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Posts by aona105
Joined: Dec 20, 2010
Last Post: Jan 31, 2011
Threads: 7
Posts: 38  

From: Japan

Displayed posts: 45 / page 1 of 2
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aona105   
Jan 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

ukkuma, omg you saved my life again, I cannot thank you enough...!!!

yeah, I thought the same as you did, Jerber is right.
So I stopped trying to fit myself too much, I wrote why I choose Cornell directly and honestly.
I was encouraged by your advice Jerber, thanks!!! :) I really hope we can meet at the campus!

I now finished my whole application process, thanks to everyone's kind help!!!!!!

Good luck for all of us, and I'll continue to help others if there's something I can do :)
Thank you so much!!!! (^v^/"
aona105   
Jan 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "size, location, reputation, and the weather and the inside" Emory a college for you? [4]

"You do not have to study language for a chance to travel other parts of the country, you can study anything. Emory allows you to.."

You use the word "you" as a Subject, I guess you may want to avoid that in this situation. The readers are Admission Officers, right? It sounds like you are telling them what actually Emory is, not what you think why Emory is a college for you.

I think you can say like this, "Emory allows me to~~~" or "Its xxx programs enable me to ~~~" that way, they (AO) can imagine more vividly how you think and what kind of person you are.

The content is great, I think. You just need to change the way you express the ideas. Though these are all my personal opinions.
Hope this helps :)
Good luck for both of us!!!
aona105   
Jan 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

Thank you very much pendulum, Jerber, and EF_Susan !!!! I was happy to receive great advices!!
So this is the prompt #2, I have no idea whether it is ok or not... I wonder whether it answers well to the prompt. Any more comments and suggestions are welcome!!!!!!!!

(2) What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?

Small student body, high level classes, and scholarship opportunities; These factors allow me to study hard at academically enriched environment at low cost, and have discussion enthusiastically with great students and professors everyday. (248 characters)

thank you so much!! :) :)
aona105   
Jan 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

thx ukkuma! (私も最近知ったってばー笑 なんかでも今まで英語だったから不思議な感じ^^) 

omg, you're right. That sentence (mine) is wired, I just realized to be told by you, it doesn't make a sense! thanks for telling me that^^

yeah, Anonymoussenior's sentence is great, I wish I could use that but I have limited space...
I tried that, and it's 260 characters. Maybe I should cut some other parts?

The OCAAT system grabbed my heart. With its unique and flexible course options, I can expand my academic interest and broaden my horizons with study abroad programs. It will enable me to devote myself to education study, while still pursuing my love for music. (260)

yup, it means "Education" major,,,, what do you think how I can change the word in better way??

Do you think I shouldn't write about OCAAT in answer #2 ??
I'm struggling to make #2 answer better but I really couldn't find any other special programs Cornell offers... Other than OCAAT, I just like its small size(actually small, 1200 students) beautiful campus, student-faculty ratio (11:1), and high rate of students living in dorms. But they are too general, aren't they? Hmm....
aona105   
Jan 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

Thank you so much, Anonymoussenior!!

This is the revision. I cut some words and it's 249 characters now.
Does this version make a sense? Are there any grammar mistakes ??

(1)"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"
The OCAAT system grabbed my heart. With its unique and flexible course options, I can expand my horizons and academic interest with study abroad programs. It will enable me to devote myself to education study, while still pursuing my love for music.

Thank you :) :)

ps I'll post the other one, (2) question soon!
aona105   
Jan 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

ralph_rodgers and Anonymoussenior, thank you very much for your comments and suggestions! I really really appreciate you.

For the second prompt, I realized I misunderstood the meaning after I was told so by Anonymoussenior. Thank you for correcting that!!
I rewrite the first answer, there're two versions. Which do you think is better? or Is it still too bad? How can I make it better? Please give me any suggestions, thank you so much!!!!!

"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"

(ver.1)
The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. I like this unique block plan because it enables me to make flexible choices and expand my interest, devote myself more deeply to concentrate on each subject I am interested in, and broaden my world. (246 characters)

(ver.2)
The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. I like this unique block plan especially because it enables me to participate in various off campus study programs - which I believe is significant to broaden my world - more easily than other colleges. (249 characters)
aona105   
Jan 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

Hi everyone :)
This is my "Cornell College Supplement", two answers with 250 characters limit for each.
I appreciate any comments or suggestions,,, especially grammar check!!!
THANK YOU ALWAYS !!! :) :)

1)"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"

Since it is great joy for me to devote myself to concentrate on learning a particular subject to understand the world more deeply, OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. It seemed perfect for me, and gave me confidence to make my final decision. (just 250 characters)

2)What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?

I chose very small colleges having high retention rate and motivated student body. I believe these factors enable me to have argument with people enthusiastically everyday, which is significant for me to learn different views and move myself higher. (just 250 characters)
aona105   
Jan 23, 2011
Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

Hi guys :)
I'm from Japan and I'm applying to some LACs in USA such as Bates, Beloit, Cornell(IA), etc. But some colleges are really "dream school" for me, especially Bates. I tried my best but I really wish I could pass....!!! Good luck for all of us :) :)

oh my toefl ibt was only 90, very bad.... I'm studying hard now to get over 100 before I go to America, though my application has almost done.

What are yours??
aona105   
Jan 23, 2011
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [412]

Hi everybody !! :)

I'm Moe, from Okinawa Japan !
I'm applying to some LACs in America.

Hey Aya, are you also a Japanese student ?! great !!!!!!!!
I couldn't find any Japanese friends here before, but now I know 3 Japanese :) and I met my first Chinese friend here. so EF is important for me you see :]

Although it's uncommon to study in USA for Japanese students, I'm quite encouraged by everyone here from various countries!

let's improve our English together by helping each other (^^)
aona105   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "Yuimaru spirit" Why Beloit, piano lessons (not whole) [2]

Hi !! I need your help again, the last answer to Beloit supplement. but only some parts which need grammar checking.
yup, the deadline is TODAY omg, I really need somebody to check my grammar!! I greatly appreciate any comments or suggestions !!!!!! and I'll see yours, too :)

Thank you so much!!!!

What should the Admissions Committee look for in you, beyond your transcript and scores, and why is Beloit among your college choices?

Although I am not the student who always sticks with friends and go to the bathroom with them, I always acquire deep knowledge not just by myself but by learning with my friends. Being in classroom and asked to help, I always had to face the fact that how I was ignorant of my ignorance, and found how difficult it is to help other people who have different views. But all the more, it was most purely-pleasurable moment for me, the moment when there were many lessons to learn about."How can you say this logic is wrong? Come on, explain it and convince me." We are often harsh to each other, demanding more and more convincing explanations. Well, it's true we often end up being lost for words and rush into the library or review the textbook carefully. But there is always the moment that we finally find what we seek and say, "Hey, I got it! You know what --- " and excitingly share the new knowledge with each other, ultimately with great satisfactions. Such learnings and helping with my classmates in the small competitive school taught me the importance of the "Yuimaru-spirit", the Okinawan traditional spirit of cooperation in a community. In Okinawa, we have firm community ties which has disappeared in mainland Japan. As an Okinawan, I'm proud of having this spirit, the invisible connection among people which I've found in teaching each other with my friends, helping neighbor children practice the traditional dance Eisa, or leading the school volunteer activity and the school chorus club.

Beloit, I believe, is the best place for me to seek my potential and enhance my strength; I've gained a leader ship in a school chorus club and a local community, a persistence from my piano lessons over 14 years, and a strong intellectual curiosity which always makes me energetic.
aona105   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "Happiness" - Creative Essay - Art major [4]

Hi :)

I think it's really beautiful essay. I especially love the middle part.

Writing about arts might be kind of difficult, but I think it is especially in this topic where you can take whole the readers to your own world. I envy you~ :) I wish I could write like you!

if I say one thing, (it's wonderful already but), maybe you can put a vivid sentence in the very last, like " ..., I am definitely up to take that risk, because art is my/ because it means that ....". I would make the last words about "why you want to pursue an education in the artistic field, even if take a risk."

but it's really a good essay, I like it :)

btw, if you have time, please check my grammar !!
I gotta hand in that today (omg lol)

"Yuimaru spirit" Why Beloit (not whole)PLEASE check my grammar !!! deadline today X(
thanks!!
aona105   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

thanks for your comment!

hey !!! A Japanese student planning to apply for the colleges in the US ?! sweeeet! :) やったー仲間だー^^

are you also took the exam of Grew-Bankroft scholarship ???
are you from international school??? you seem like a native English speaker like ukkuma! oh I envy you guys ^^

お互い頑張ろうね*
aona105   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / UNC-lost in the mountain [6]

コメントありがとう^^日本語が表示されるとは知らなかったー笑

well, yeah I agree with other people. it's not boring at all !! :) I enjoyed reading it, thanks !
it's very strong, and I can imagine the situation clearly. nice essay ^^
but if I say one thing, hmm,,,, I just feel that you can write like, what you gained from that experience, as a leader. Then maybe you can finish the essay much better i guess :]

good luck !!!
お互い頑張ろうね
aona105   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / How did you originally learn about Beloit? (a Japanese student) [6]

Hi abatado!!!
Thanks so much for your checking! :)
Because you kindly cut some part, it's 445 now! thx :)
So sorry that I couldn't check yours in time, I wrote this thread before I went to bed, and now I woke up and saw your comment and your thread, but it has been closed already X( sorry!

Your essay was quite unique, I felt ^^ good luck !!!
aona105   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / How did you originally learn about Beloit? (a Japanese student) [6]

Hi :)
This is the second part of my Beloit college supplement.
Words limit is 400 characters, and it's 650 right now --- I gotta cut 250 words!
I wonder if I can answer the question well :( How can I fix it to make it better ??
Any comments/suggestions/criticisms are welcome !!!
Thank you :) :)

How did you originally learn about Beloit? What or who has been the most valuable search engine, book, tool, or person you have used in your college search and why?

As a Japanese students, the only available tool for my college search was the Internet sources - I checked lots of site like college board, unigo, or the princeton review. Though I deleted nearly 200 colleges from my list, Beloit have never moved its position. One day, searched its name on the website. To my surprise, there were some blogs by Japanese exchange students who reported their real life at Beloit college. That was the first time when Beloit grabbed my heart. Reading all of their detailed journal about their lots of delights and struggles at Beloit, I learned how they are welcomed by its international community. Their honest opinions and all the reviews about Beloit including complains and compliment, made me feel confident that Beloit is the best place for me.
aona105   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

@ukkuma
hey you must be kidding! I know you're smart :} cause I can see your English skill is awesome!
wow, Oberlin is also wonderful school, isn't it ?! I heard that it has great international community:)
I'm applying to Bates, Beloit, Cornell (IA), and three more schools. I have two supplement essays left, Beloit and Cornell. I gotta finish all of my application till the end of this month XP

thx for your help!
yeah, the second one exactly! "don't sweat the small stuff", that's it! thank you so much ~~~ ^^

okay so I'm gonna finish it and complete the form soon, thanks to you!!
I'll make another thread, which is also a part of Beloit supplement. Would you please check it if you can, but really, you don't have to, I know you're also so busy now!! :) and I'm always ready to check yours though my English is not so good XD anyway, thx again!!
aona105   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

Hey, thx so much for your comment!!! :)

oh really? but you gonna apply to Amherst, right? it's really awesome!! you might be smart indeed :)

thanks, yeah, you're right! I'll cut some synonyms! ^^
um,,, about 'not lose sleep over', I didn't know what to say and just picked up it from my Japanese-English dictionary :P maybe that's why it's strange. I meant that 'never continue to cry or be negative when something bad happens to me'... you know, "kuyo-kuyo-shinai" :} how can I say that in English ? I just couldn't find it and I have no vocabulary X(

were you able to understand other words ???
aona105   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

Hi :)
This is my answer to Beloit College Supplement. There're 3 questions but I haven't done one of these, and this is it. I'm worry if I misunderstand what they mean, and I know it's not a good answer. Should I avoid using dialects (I'm from Japan) ?? What should I do to improve this??

Please, ANY COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS / CRITICISMS ARE WELCOME !!! :) Thank you !

Beloit's viewbook describes our college with words and phrases intended to give you a sense of place and being a Beloiter and may be unexpected: 'inspiring,' 'attitude,' 'frontier,' 'like nowhere else,' 'turtles,' 'double major (not uncommon),' 'swoon,' 'real people,' 'responsibility,' 'confusion,' 'DNA,' 'venture,' 'entrepreneurial,' 'tight-knit,' 'hands-on,' 'wry,' 'live.'

What words or phrases describe you or your life? No essay required, just words.

'Uchinanchu (Okinawan),' 'inner passion,' 'curious,' 'loving nature,' 'quest,' 'explore the world first-hand,' 'pioneer,' 'limitless,' 'optimist,' 'no music, no life,' 'persistent,' 'visionary,' 'earnest,' 'adventurous,' 'enjoy challenges,' 'indomitable spirit,' 'pride of identity,' 'keen traveler,' 'cross-fertilization,' 'defiant of circumstances,' 'thrive adversity,' 'aspiring,' 'Yuimaru (mutual cooperation),' 'my own way,' 'not lose sleep over,' 'blessed.'

max 400 characters and it's 412 now.
I have to cut some words...
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I love playing the piano" - SHORT ANSWER [7]

thank you everybody !!

I just finished my common app, I send my essay successfully :)
Thanks so much !!!!

I wanna help you in return in winter break !

good luck for everyone :) :)
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "to seek and enhance my strengths and potential" - WHY BATES [9]

I finished my common app right now!

thanks sooooo much !!!!! you really helped me, I was really encouraged to know that there're also students in Japan who tried hard to get in the university in America, like you.

good luck for both of us ;)

thx so much again !!
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

thanks so much every one!!!!!!!

I just finished my common app successfully, thanks to every one's help :D
I really really appreciate you ><

best wishes to you !!!!!!!!!!!

hope all of us get in ^-^

have a nice holiday !!!
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "to seek and enhance my strengths and potential" - WHY BATES [9]

Do you think it's strange to write "I believe that..." here?

I believe that Bates has been a home for thousands of people who have various backgrounds where they can conduct discussions openly and enthusiastically.

Is my essay too focus on "international Bates" ???

Any last comments/suggestions are welcome!!!!!!!!!
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

I'm gonna complete my essay soon !

Please, any last grammar mistake checks or suggestions are welcome !!!! :)

I'm a bit worry about the last paragraph... I used present form, but is it ok?
Are there any mistake about sequence of tenses ??

Thank you so much !!! :) :)
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The way of the bow, Japanese archery" - Common App short essay - [7]

hey yours is wonderful, I can assume you are so smart!

I can't find any mistakes or parts to be fixed... indeed!
you write clearly, though it includes enough elements to give readers real-mood, it's just great.
I think I know how you felt, cause I'm also the person who do Budo(I do Aikido).
I don't know whether Americans or other people think and feel that, but as one Japanese, you write about the mood so vividly that I can imagine it clearly and I like it :) and it's also well written about what you learned from Kyudo, so I guess there's no problem to send that!
aona105   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Thx for your comment&check !!
3-digits...! I hope I can shorten my essay more if I have time:) I'll try ^^
it's 1026 words now, so I think it's not impossible.
I just fix them, is it Ok? or as a whole, did you find any grammar mistakes??

Every summer my family and I enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. Unlike other beaches in Okinawa which is famous as a sightseeing spot in Japan, there're no tourists or noisy music in this beach. There are so many things I love about this camp.

oh sure thing! I'll look it up yours :]
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Thank you so much peachyreese !!

yeah, you're right! I tried to shorten that part :)

Every summer my family enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. There are so many things I love about this camp. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun ....

Are these sentences make sense? Is my grammar OK ???

any comments welcome !!!

Thank you :)
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

This is the new version! it's 1069 words. not so changed though,,,
Would you please someone do last check for me? I think I'll hand in this one but I'm worry about my grammar X( I really appreciate you!!!
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Please...!! any comments are welcome !!!!

I need to finish it today X( do you think I should decrease the number of the paragraphs ??
is it Ok to hand in this essay???

Thank you so much :)
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "to seek and enhance my strengths and potential" - WHY BATES [9]

oh, during the summer break! I misunderstood that :P yeah you are the one who left the room with another girl who finished her interview before yours, right??? wow, really? I don't have any email address, I didn't ask everyone to write me :( hey text me when you get the result from the college!

This is my new version, still long? it's 531 words now.
wanted to cut more, but I didn't know where to cut anymore.
Does anyone have any suggestions ??? Do you think it's OK to hand in this essay? I'll fill in my form today...!!! Thank you so much!
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "on jumping" - difficulty and achievement, Amherst Supplement Prompt 5 [6]

hey, it's a pretty nice essay !!

though I said I wanted to help you with yours, I guess I can't find any mistakes or criticisms... :)
well... if I would say one thing, maybe you can write more about how difficult it was, what made it difficult or how you felt it. I could clearly imagine and felt how happy you were, and it's really good thing, but maybe you can focus on the difficulties as blackpixel23 said :)
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "An international student discovering Bates" - app essay [6]

As an international student, coming from country in which there are only a small number of options to choose a college, deciding the colleges I would apply required me to make an exhaustive college research. When it was time to start looking at for the colleges I wanted to apply I started my college research with help of my university advisor. I knew I wanted to assist to small liberal art school.soWhen I asked my University Advisor for advice, he recommended a couple of colleges and one of them was Bates. After reading about Bates in yourthe webpage and learning about Bates, I also read some other students opinion and reviews. Having read all of this and taking my university advisor's advice, I decided to apply to Bates.B ecause it covers not only it covers my academic expectations, but I believe it also has the greatright environment for me.

I consider myself a multifaceted person. I have very diverse interests and this helps me develop in many aspects of my life. These aspects, such as intellectual, spiritual, social, emotional and physical are something I value and consider vital in my life and also complementary. This is what motivates me the most to apply to Bates. I consider that Bates is a college in which balanced in all of its aspects and provides the right environment for a student with my ambitions. In this stage of my life, I'm still discovering myself and I believe that and place whichthat allows me to develop every aspect of my life is the right place for me. The two main aspects of Bates which attractthat interes t me the most are the academics and the community.

Not only Bates has good reviews for its challenging academic level in general, but it also has excellent reviews on the areas of my interest. Before coming to the United States I had never had an Economics class, but for many years it was something I was interested in. This is the reason I'm taking the IB Economics course at my present school, United World College USA (UWC-USA). I've discover that this subject is something that makes me passionate and that there are many students and professors at Bates that share my passion. This is one of the reasons I want to attend to Bates, since Economics is one of yourits top majors and I've read many good comments from yourthe students. Furthermore, I consider that being in a small school, like Bates, brings many benefits that large schools can't provide. At UWC-USA, for the first time, I had the experience of being in a small class and this allows the teachers to provide more attention to each student in classrooms. ThisBeing a member of a small class is important for me because small classesit allows more participation and interaction and it also encourages the student-professor relationship, giving me the opportunity to feel more comfortable talking to them outside of class. Nevertheless, academics are not the only reason I wish to attend to Bates College.

The extracurricular activities and the campus life is also an important aspect of Bates that calls my attention. Being in a small school in which I can meet people and get to know them and establishing connections with diverse people is really important for me. I want to be a part of an inclusive community which does not only care only about academics but also about other human relations. From the experiences I've had, I can tell that an organization that provides a more supportive environment for the racial, ethnic, religious, and economic diversity, have more to offer to me that the ones that dowho don't care about them . I believe that Bates would give me the chance to get to know the people with different ideologies from whom I can learn and develop my skills and knowledge and therefore expand my global perspective. Furthermore, it would give me the opportunity to transmit my ideas and principles to other people my ideas and principles , that are congruent to the principles of Bates. I strongly believe that attending to Bates College would be an experience of holistic and integral formation that would promote my intellectual and personal growth. Attending to Bates would be an experience that would open me the doors to many other opportunities that would allow me to make a more transcendental impact on me and the people around me.

Hi :)
I just correct some words, hope this helps!
I think it's pretty long, and I guess they say that we have to write "one or two paragraphs",,, so maybe you can cut some and make it much better!

By the way, I'm also an intl student(I'm from Japan), and I'll apply for Bates, too!!!! You must spend hard time for finish your essay I suppose (yeah, me either!)

Hope we both will get in....!! :)
aona105   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Hi, everyone!!
Thank you so much for your honest and great comments!!
As you know now, I'm really bad at shorten my essay x( but I tried, this is the new version.
I just cut 2 paragraphs and it's 1072 words now. Is it still too long? What is the ideal length???
My dad told me that I had to write about "sekitei" again after the first paragraph to make some connection,,,, otherwise, it had no mean in this essay. What do you think?

I need your help again, I need to complete my essay till tomorrow !!!!
Any comments/suggestions/criticisms are welcome !!!!
Thank you so much :)
aona105   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "I love playing the piano" - SHORT ANSWER [7]

Thanks for your help!!!
you helped me lot! I really appreciate :)

let me help your essay when you post your essay!!

thx again*^^*
aona105   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "to seek and enhance my strengths and potential" - WHY BATES [9]

wow!!!! then I met you there!!! it's awesome !! :D
I think I remember you, you said you studied abroad for a year,right? I'm a girl from Okinawa... maybe I talked some about myself, and you did, too :}

Naaaah, me neither! That's why I'm here haha :)

Great idea!!!
Then, they'll understand for sure. Thanks so much !!!
I'll post a new version if I can fix them tonight ><
thanks again, hope you have nice Fuyu-yasumi !!
aona105   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "to seek and enhance my strengths and potential" - WHY BATES [9]

Hi ukkuma!!
Omg, are you also a Japanese student ?! so happy to receive your comment! Thank you :)

yeah, you're right. I'm always bad at make something short... I gotta do something with it!
I appreciate your improving my sentences. And I'm glad to hear that I can keep the red part--- I agree with you, I think I need it. I'll try to fix them!

About my conclusion, were you able to understand what I said about "foundation" and "castle"?
I didn't put the sentence "Relating back to my favorite phrase" cause I thought it's too much, as you thought, but I was worry that whether readers can understand what I am saying about "foundations" or "castle".

If I cut that sentence, will it still make a sense??

hey, by the way, did you by any chance, applied for Grew Bancroft scholarship program?! I guess there're two students from Kochi and I spoke to both of them...maybe we met there before....!!!
aona105   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Hi everyone!
I really need someone to check my essay. This is my common app essay "essay of your topic".
What is very bad is that it's 1372 words!! too long x(
As I said before in other post, I'm a Japanese and as far as I know, no other students in my province apply for a college in America,,, that is why I need your help here. Please, give me any suggestions/criticisms/comments, I really appreciate you.

my question:
1) do I have to change the title? Is it too general?
2) my English teacher told me to erase the red part in order to make the essay shorter. do you think it'll still make sense if I put away it?

Thank you very much!!!

"The moment in the shallows"

It was only a tiny drop of water at first. I looked up at the sky, where other rain drops fell one after another. They were falling on the surface of the water, in which I was standing knee-deep. The beautiful patterns on the surface reminded me of my favorite sekitei - a sand and rock garden which I was impressed by at a temple in Kyoto. I used to hate the rain but, as I watched the changing patterns spreading to the horizon, I realized that I have grown to love it.

Every summer my family and I have gone at the beach. Unlike the normal beaches where tons of tourists enjoy their vacations, the beach we spend time at every year is small but a beautiful local beach in a village with no tourists and no noisy music playing over loudspeakers. It's still a mystery how my parents found it, as it is quite difficult to find this kind of place in Okinawa, an island as a famous sightseeing spot in Japan.

I love so many things about this place. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun - an tiny agile blue fish- with my sister under the sea, and sleeping in the dark hearing only the sounds of calm waves. But one of the things I love most is this; to wait until everyone takes a siesta, stealthily going down to the beach with my swimsuit on, and then standing in the middle of the shallows where the cool waves gently lap against my calves. Just standing there with nothing special to do, this is the time I love, to look into both my heart, and at the world.

Every time I stand in the shallows, I recall some fragmented memories, and realize that I can't forget them easily. When I was small, I really hated rain because I was forced to face lots of my bitter memories. I couldn't forget that it was a dark rainy day when my parents left me for one night in a night child care center. I also remember the smell of the sea and rain --- which is the smell of my Grand-pa. He used to take me and my sister to go fishing with him when we were little. I loved him and fishing but I almost cried, because I had to a some notched lugworm on the hook by myself and it tried to bite me with its ugly teeth. As time goes by, however, I've been surprised to realize the fact that things I used to hate have changed as I have changed; now, I feel rather fond of them so that I even can cherish those memories. I've also found that there are some new added memories about rain which make me happy, like the sekitei in Kyoto. However, at the same time, I also find that the things I loved are also not what I believed them to be; growing older, now I know that the beautiful rose will wither and die someday and the dreams I have sometimes don't come true. Life is not so simple, not so easy.

Though, these realizations are not the biggest realization. What I was impressed to find out is that not only in joy but also in the pain that I have experienced, I have discovered the beauty of nature which holds my heart and will never let it go, and that realization taught me the true value of life. It is true that not everything in this world will turn out to be pleasant. Although a part of my heart still cannot avoid feeling sad to see the fading autumn leaves, I now understand that this melancholy makes winter even more beautiful and solemn. What I know now is that life is rich and profound, all the more so, because it has both pain and joy, rainy days and sun-filled ones.

Standing in the shallows also allows me to incite my deep intellectual curiosity. In the middle of the shallow, I can see the world clearly. Every movement and expressions of nature amazes me with the wonder and the mystery of it. It is fabulous to see rain squalls in the distance under the shining sunlight, or to feel a gentle breeze changing into a damp and cold wind. I saw the rain fall form the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act. For the first time, I felt I understood the word I learned from my textbook. This knowledge sank into me as a vivid and fresh revelation. Even though I've already learned it, finding nature's laws in the phenomena by myself is always a great discovery for me. I realized that what I was watching was a piece of the enormous structure of nature. I was standing so close to it that I heard its warm breathing.

I noticed that the wonder of nature was vast as the universe. I don't think I can know everything about it, but why would I give up seeking the wonderful truth that surrounds me and grabs my heart? The fact that there are too many things I still can't understand makes me feel excited, because that simply means there are so many possibilities I have yet to encounter. I just cannot stop loving wanting to explore the world that I've never seen, smelled, or touched.

Although it might be just for an hour, I always return from the shallows to the tent filled with the feelings that I cannot express in words. Happiness, ardor, joy, respect, gratitude --- I feel these things simultaneously. As I slowly get out of the water, I see my blended colorful feelings gradually change into a rosy red passion like the sunset on my back. I now can see the solid will in my mind; I am eager to learn about the world. I want to live, in this wonderful world. Even if I were standing in a forest in Norway, a stream in Vietnam, or a desert in Morocco, I would never forget what nature has told me in these shiny, shallows. "Life is beautiful," it's telling me, "in this unlimited universe and your unlimited future."
aona105   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Short answer (violin) / gap year explanation [5]

short answer: it's well written essay I think! Very logical, that made me easy to fallow the story. it's just my personal suggestion, but what about mentioning your present "passion and love" for music in last paragraph? I understood well about what you learned, but I just wanted to know whether you love music now :) but it doesn't need to be written I think! just my suggestion :]

gap year explanation: the you explain about jump of frogs are just a little bit long, I think. I think you can make it shorter and compact so that it would be smoothly connected to the part written about yourself.

anyway, both are nice essays :)

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