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Posts by yenna
Joined: Dec 25, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 9
Posts: 23  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 32
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Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "International Relations and minor in political science" Penn - Why do I want to go? [NEW]

Here's the prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

I'm really not sure about my beginning...
thanks in advance for the help :D

At Penn I want to meet people from all over the world. I want to take classes that will expand my knowledge about the world. I want to participate in events and activities that will widen my paradigm. At the University of Pennsylvania I want to strive to make myself a more globalized person.

I want to major in International Relations and minor in political science but I also see myself taking courses in ethics, geography, international development, and cultural studies. I want to be able to learn to the most of my ability in the subjects I am most passionate about and I feel Penn is a school that will provide me an education fitting for my wants. I would also definitely consider programs such as study abroad and the Washington semester so I could further my knowledge and learn more by research and first-hand experience.

I am set on exploring multiple organizations at Penn. Model Congress, International Affairs Association, cultural organizations such as Korean Student Association, a service organization and possibly even an environmental organization are all under my radar. I would also like to participate in a music organization to keep up with my piano and violin. Penn seems to have everything I want and I look forward to being able to participate in these extracurricular.

Yes, I admit, I am greedy. I want so much but it just so happens that I have come upon a school that can fulfill these wants: The University of Pennsylvania. Penn will allow me to further my knowledge in the areas of study I wish to pursue the rest of my life and also has way too many organizations I want to join! Attending Penn would be a dream- the opportunity to do the things I enjoy, a chance to meet new people and eat great foods, and the prospect of studying the subjects I am passionate about...what else could I possibly want? Well maybe more food, but most of all acceptance into Penn!

meh . I think it may be too generic and boring? haha
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "my Grandma's house in Rhode Island" - Why Brown [3]

Here's my why Brown statement :
PROMPT: tell us more about your interest in brown. why does it appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? 1000 char

Visits to my Grandma's house in Rhode Island formed my first childhood dream: to attend a university in Rhode Island. At first I was thinking about URI but when I got older my relatives suggested Brown. "Brown?" I immediately went to the computer to research Brown. I explored the website and was elated. "This school is in Providence?! Oh Yes."I had found a school better than URI and continued to search only to find I was s more attracted. The campus was beautiful and the International Relations program is one I want to be a part of-one of the best I've ever seen. The prospect of being able to customize ones own major is also appealing, and there are so many clubs I want to join.

Brown-a match for my childhood dreams, a match for what I've always looked for in a college and a school in the Ocean State.

ehhh i don't think I focus enough on Brown itself buuuuut I one of the main reasons I want to go is because it's in Rhode Island.

p.s. URI is the university of rhode island. I figured the admissioners would know that.

Thanks :)
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Volunteering at a Frame Shop" - Short statement on activity [4]

The short statement for the commonapp :)
Thanks in advance

PROMPT:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

Every Saturday I get paper cuts, get glue on my hands, cut glass and chop wood.
"Wait, you volunteer where?" people question.
I volunteer at the MWR Frame Shop on Fort Huachuca and I help by framing artwork. My mom often disapproves of me volunteering somewhere that has nothing to do with my future career, but I have learned many valuable things that make up for it. I have learned to be cautions. I have learned how to patiently, almost perfectly complete a task given to me. I have had the honor of teaching others to frame and have had the chance to bring smiles to the faces of soldiers and their families.

I love what I do at the Frame Shop. Even though I could be interning elsewhere I am glad I chose to volunteer at the Frame shop- even through all the paper cuts.
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I love to take long walks" - My Yale [15]

other than the minor grammatical errors njanaye indicated I think it's great!
I love the description and the way you 'show' and not tell.
overall, really good and I don't really think you need much more help...
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I like traveling, cultures, and the world." - Yale - who am I?! [4]

Here is one of my options. I have another essay I could use if this one isn't good soooo please critique and tell me what you think :)

I paced around nervously awaiting my Academic Decathlon interview. As I took a deep breath the head interviewer opened the door; the interview had begun. I flashed a smile, shook the interviewers' hands and took a seat ready for the first question.

"Tell us a little about yourself."
"Oh my." This was not a question I had expected. I panicked and started to babble about my age, grade, and other forgettable facts.

This single question continued to bother me and made me wonder - "Who am I?"
I am bubbly. I love talking, laughing, and meeting new people. I am bouncy and happy almost 24/7 and there are often days when my jaw hurts from smiling too much.

I am seeker of knowledge. If there is something I am curious about try to learn about it. I remember my first fascination with the world when I would stay up late with a flashlight to read about different countries. I love to read and I love the prospect of being able to learn more.

I love music. I love my violin and piano and usually spend two hours a day for music. I loved my music theory class in high school and cannot live without my iPod.

I am different, well weird. I sniff new foods, I gave up on Doritos after I heard there was bat guano in them, and I have a terrible habit of picking my scabs. I can lick my elbow, trip over thin air, and have about ten different laughs.

I like food. Many people are often surprised at how much I eat because I'm underweight and short. I like eating and trying different foods - but I am also very picky about what I like and don't like.

I am confident. I believe in myself.
I am active. I love interaction and like to keep myself busy. I joined clubs during high school so I could keep myself busy doing community service and meeting new people. I like to move around and can't sit still for over maybe four hours.

I like traveling, cultures, and the world. In the future I want to travel to different places and learn more about the people and cultures of countries.

So who am I? Of course there is more to me than what I just talked about but I think I have a general idea. Through this essay I have been able to explore myself - who I am, what I like.

Now I am confident about my next Academic Decathlon interview. I will now be prepared to tell the interview judges who I am:
"My name is Annabell Brien and I'm 17 and a senior in high school. I'm a quirky, bubbly teenager and I like music and food. I love involvement and hope to pursue my passions and further explore myself at Yale."
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Rochester Short essay 150 words edit [10]

You re-edited one is much better than your first.
I also think that you did a better job of concluding your whole topic.
It's definitely original annnnd you did great :)
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / My parents "never gave up." - Brown [4]

This is for Brown but I don't know if it's good enough...

Prompt: Best piece of advice you've ever been given, why? <500 words but i'm under>

"Never give up:" advice that keeps me going. Advice my parents have told me countless times, a phrase I'll keep to heart.

If this advice had come from anyone else, I probably would not have taken it seriously but because the advice came from my parents I have stored it in a little crevice of my brain: no, not because of filial piety or anything like that, but because I have grown up seeing my parents follow this advice and succeed.

My parents "never gave up." They had their goals and always strived to achieve them; in this case their goals were to achieve a college education. Getting a college degree was not easy for my parents. My family was constantly moving because my father was enlisted in the military, English was my mom's second language, and my dad was constantly deployed. Online courses and college breaks had to be taken and credits had to be transferred. However, through all the bumps and cracks my parents continued to pull through. After 11 years my dad achieved his undergraduate degree, got his masters degree, and is applying for law school. My mom got her associates degree and is now on her way towards her undergraduate degree - in fact she'll graduate next year. My parents had a set goal and they constantly tried to continue on towards achieving it. They encountered hardships but were not driven from their path of getting an education.

I want to become like my parents. I want to always strive towards a goal I have - I want to pull through no matter how many obstacles there are and achieve success. I want to "never give up," and I want to be able to succeed like my parents so I can pass on the message. I'm going to live everyday with this message in mind and "never give up."
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / ""Alex, you're not wearing sweatpants to school." - YALE Supplement [16]

Great essay :)!
It definitely fits the prompts and your topic is unique and different.
mmmm I'm also thinking you could end your essay with a better concluding sentence buuuuuuut your ending sentance right now is good as it is too.

Your message clear, your grammar great :)

goooood luck!
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The elderly Korean country folk on the bus" - Commonapp essay - about myself [4]

So I decided to write another essay for the commonapp but I'm not sure how good it is :)
Feedback on ideas grammar and other stuff..I'm not too sure how I feel about it. I'll write back on your essays too. thankkkks

My entrance onto the Korean bus marked the beginning of an ultimate stare down.
The people staring: The elderly Korean country folk on the bus.
The target: Me.
"Why is everyone staring at me" I thought. Cautiously I felt my face to make sure nothing was on it but there was nothing that could possibly attract attention. Next I looked around to find there was nobody else standing except for me. "It can't possibly...ohhh." The strong impact of realization hit like a tsunami wave: who knew my physical appearance would attract this much attention

Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "political philosophy" - UVA- College of Arts and Sciences [3]

No major grammatical errors so yay.
I like your essay. It's not a piece of literature most people would pick and I think you did a great job. One thing I would do is shorten the beginning and put more of youuuuu in there. The part about you and how Locke has impacted you is good, very good - but I think there should be more than what you have. Right now I see more about Locke which isn't necessarily bad.

But, overall great essay! Great ideas, great personalization and I think you're in the word requirement :)

Good luck and hopefully we both get accepted to UVA :D
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Why International Relations is my dream area of study- Brown Supplement [5]

Here's the prompt: Why are you drawn to the academic field you indicated above ( International Relations) max 1000 characters.

Please critique :) :/

International Relations, a concentration that was unknown to me before, is now my dream area of study. After discovering the program on the website I knew that IR at Brown and I were destined.

My favorite book as a child was the atlas. My favorite piece of the art was a map. My favorite placemat was one with the world pictured on it. At a young age I became fascinated with the world and the aspects within it. I remember staying up with a flashlight to read books to nourish these fascinations. Social and cultural aspects of the world became favorites and after taking AP Human Geography foreign policy, equality, and human rights were added to the list.

Culture, nations, geography, international law, the world: my passions. Who knew that my childhood interests would stay with me until now? Who knew these interests would become topics I will study in college? I sure didn't but all I do know is that I now want to pursue my passions, elements of International Relations, at Brown University.

Thanks guys :3
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Fan of giving; I am much more than 250 words" Stanford Roommate Prompt [6]

I actually like the 250 words part. It shows that you know who you are and it also shows that the qualities you wrote about are your best. It also ties in with the 80% part at the end.

I don't see any grammar errors and I like it :)
I see your personality and enthusiam.

goooooood luck~
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alec's suicide" - significant event, Common App [13]

Wow really strong essay.
I loved your beginning like ALOT.
One thing I didn't really have a major problem with a length but I think don't think it would hurt to shorten it. Another thing is to connect the death of your cousin and BRAP in less abrubt way. Maybe a transition or something that has to do with his death in the first sentence of that paragraph.

Well good luck and R.I.P Alec
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Frederic Chopin's Revolutionary Etude" - University of Virginia Supplement [3]

... hmmmmmm haha
please edit. butcher it. tell me what you think.
i'm not sure what I think about it sooooo you guys can tell me hah.

PROMPT: in 250ish words:::: What work of art, music, science, math or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, why?

Currently Frederic Chopin's Revolutionary Etude and I are in a duel.
I started the duel when I challenged myself to play the etude, a piece that is the antithesis of what I normally play.
Chopin's Revolutionary Etude is a fast, loud, grand piece that takes endurance, strength, and large hands. I, on the other hand, have always had problems with playing loudly and always played on the softer side without much dynamic (sound) changes but when I decided to learn this piece I also decided to take on a challenge to myself and the etude.

At first my small hands were a handicap but I found a way around it. My small frame and short height still prevent me from playing with my whole body and my thin arms lack the strength needed for the piece. I also lack the endurance to play such a long, energy draining piece. However, I knew all these things and in fact decided to challenge myself by deliberately playing a piece that would take me out of my piano comfort zone and possibly change me.

Although I am still dueling the etude I am determined to win the challenge I started. No, I will win. By the time I will have completed the song I am sure I will have learned and gained many things- strong arms and a new challenging personality. Through succeeding this challenge I will be able to go on challenging other things in my life other than piano and will gain confidence, and once again stronger arms.

So take that Chopin- your Revolutionary Etude is in danger of being defeated!
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Religion and Atheism" - Common App, significant experience [4]

oh HAY i'm half korean

ahhh daebak. So like I edited your essay and everything and guess what? the page refreshed itself. yayyyyy.

So I PROMISE i'll re-edit it tomorrow :3

buuuuuut! I really like how you wrote your essay on tackling a social norm/korean norm. It shows your personality.
I like the question at the end. You have questions earlier on in your essay and it shows your curious nature. I would just change the last question to something else that goes better with your whole essay.

Don't start sentances with but or and...
watch out for commas: you have to much.

AND! if you still want me to I'll edit it tomorrow morning... I live in arizona and it's like midnight right now hehe

anyways overall I reallyyyyy like it! good luck ^^~
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "In Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital" - JHU supplement [10]

I really like it! I can get a sense of what type of person you are and your essay shows that you are a driven person.

lightoftheeyes revision is good. EXEPT I would just change the part about America to "Coming to America for the first time, living and studying at JHU..."

good luck!
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "going through the numerous clubs and organizations" - Columbia Supplement [8]

Here's a revised version

Right now, I'm re-exploring Columbia-searching the website, and getting info from current students and Columbia materials.
Right now I am going through the numerous clubs and organizations printed in a Columbia guidebook I received over a year ago. An entire two pages are covered [...]

Right now on the website I see big bolded words that say New York City - the city I've always [...]

Right now, I'm done exploring and am somewhat disappointed I didn't look into Columbia earlier.
Well I can't go back now but ...
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "going through the numerous clubs and organizations" - Columbia Supplement [8]

I'm not sure about it at all but here it is... I don't really think i fully answered the prompt either. :/ ugh

PROMPT: What about Columbia appeals to you and why?

Right now I am pulling out the Columbia to go section of the Blue Album. Sent to me over a year ago I now look at it more in depth and re-explore Columbia.

Right now I'm going through the numerous clubs and organizations. An entire two pages are covered with 8-fonted club names and in the first column alone I spot one I would join. I'm looking through the list, and see tons more I would totally join: Student Government, Model UN. "Perfect. I'm pumped." The clubs in high school that I partook in changed me and I was able to grow more comfortable with people and gained responsibility. Meetings, service projects and leadership soon became a part of my life and I want to continue on with the experience at Columbia.

Right now I see the big bolded words New York City - the city I've always dreamed of visiting. New York would offer me so many opportunities and would open my eyes to a more cosmopolitan aspect of the world. The thought of NYC is exciting and makes me jump in my seat. But wait! I see this and now I'm leaping: 'Fact: A Columbia ID card gains Students free access to 30 NYC museums.'

"SCORE! I love museums!"
Right now, I am now at the end of the Columbia info book. I am now reprimanding myself for not looking into Columbia earlier.
Well I can't go back now but all I can do is hope. Hope for a life in New York City, hope to join Adventist Christian Fellowship, Korean Students Association, and Vegan & Vegetarian Action, and hope for acceptance into Columbia.

I like your quotations after everything exiting which brings though your personality and the repetition. I especially like your last sentence. Also I'm not sure if you want to make it seem like you got all your information from the info book. Maybe you should say you got some information from the guidebook or alumni or a current student if you could fit it into the theme.