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Posts by Jpuck
Joined: Dec 25, 2010
Last Post: Jan 1, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 28  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 32
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Jpuck   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Williams- "Special Olympics" second supplement needs edditing [3]

Not because he was the most supreme athlete
- the "n" need not be capitalized

This is good, but I feel like it is very trite, and somewhat impersonal. Perhaps if you had a specific story to relay from the special olympics, or made it more relative to you the essay would be better.
Jpuck   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Serving others and Tap Dance" - nation's service Princeton [5]

When I was young my mom and I would take regular trips to the local homeless shelter to drop off food and clothes, or help prepare a holiday meal

- comma between young, and my mom

recently I discovered that serving others is often the result of something other than an organized event.
- I recently discovered

It looks good. Strong writing.
Jpuck   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "looking up at the hospital ceiling tiles" - GW - My Most Interesting Mistake [3]

Still most definitely a work in progress, I'm not certain that this is even the essay I will use. Any feedback/criticism would be helpful and very much appreciated.

Prompt: "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." - A. Einstein.
Describe your most interesting mistake.

I remember looking up at the hospital ceiling tiles - a bunch of my clinic friends had painted endearing designs on them so that kids in extensive hospital stays would not feel alone, or scared. I let out an exasperated sigh and apologized to my mom, my crooked nose still throbbing against my face.

I couldn't believe I had done it. Taken my health for granted and landed myself back into the dwelling that I had worked so hard to escape - the hospital. I was ten years old, and I had broken my nose. For the average child/parent this would be a non-issue, it was just a broken nose. For me, however, this emphasized my mom's point - if I got just a little bit of freedom, I would get too comfortable and take stupid risks. I guess you could say my most interesting mistake was not listening to my mom, but that's not very interesting, so I'll go with taking my health into my own hands.

At the age of seventeen I am a lot more responsible for my health than I used to be. Before, I depended on my mom, or my grandma or my aunt to take care of me. Now, however, I am the one in charge. You see, I've been sick most of my life. And when I say sick, I don't mean a cough here or there, I mean chronically, life threateningly-ill. Lately, however, my health has been the most stable it has ever been and my mom wants to make sure it stays that way, and bars me from taking any "stupid risks".

By being held accountable for my health I have learned not to do things without thinking about the consequences first. As a result of all the health issues I experienced in my youth and still deal with today I am much more wary of the world around me.

I am very much a forward thinker because of my run-ins with my doctors. My mistake of taking my health into my own hands at age 10 has left me with the ability to see things coming before they happen, and to analyze a situation before I decide to put myself in it. I take my health very seriously, and all the things that come with it. As a result, I skipped all of the "rites of passage" associated with being a teenager and have lived not to regret it

What I considered to be a mistake at age 10 has helped me become more responsible both for myself and for my actions.
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Second Mother; I come home to her frail body lying on a bed" Common App [3]

Her eyes have a red tint to it
- tint to them

However, soon after my brother was born, she took on the enduring task of a live-in nanny of three kids
- pick one - "however" or "soon" - you don't need both.

You might want to eliminate the use of contractions throughout your paper, they are generally not used in formal writing. Otherwise, a very powerful essay.
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / A Responsibility to Humanity - Amherst Supplement [4]

Why do people need to show humanity?
It needs to be a bit more personal, talk about your specific contributions to humanity or specific experiences with humanity.
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Essay - "the calm before the brainstorm" - intellectually engaging [4]

I know its bad. Feel free to completely rip apart. I'm currently writing another draft - same topic "intellectual engagement" different subject. Thanks for any and all help.

When I was in the third grade my teacher so graciously taught my peers and I the art of "brainstorming". Back then, it was a cartoon picture of a brain with lightning bolts protruding from either end with "IDEA" written in big Mr. Sketch marker at the end of each bolt. The concept of "brainstorming" is a little different to me now. It's the five minutes of pre-write time on the SAT, or the half an hour "reading time" I receive on IB tests, and lately, it has been my head hitting the kitchen table struggling with college supplements. However, the guiding principle behind the "brainstorm" has been and always be the most intellectually engaging process of learning for me - after all, it is where my intellectual journey begins.

In high school, they try to extract the fun out of your education. They give "warm-ups" funny names like "activators" and they no longer ask you to put your Popsicle stick on the bulletin board under "hot lunch", "brought lunch", "sandwich". The "brainstorm" however, has stood the test of time. The margins of all of my tattered one subject notebooks have miniscule "brainshowers" all over them - in the margins, above the headers, everywhere. And some pages, well some pages have "brainmonsoons", "braintornados" and "brainhurricanes".

In the few peaceful moments before the commencement of a paper or test, I'll always take a couple of minutes to mentally prepare - the calm before the "brainstorm".
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Hours of arduous practice" - Common app - orchestra/violin [6]

At one point, I almost quit playing because I wasn't superb at it, but glad I realized passion, not skill, is what matters.
- I feel like you may have missed the word "am" before glad. I know you're working with a character limit but it just seems to end kind of awkwardly/abruptly.

I think it is very well written.
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "experienced poverty and hardship" - Nursing Entrance Personal Statement [6]

I have been a student most of my life and was fortunate to have developed skills, strengths and interests that make me a good candidate for your nursing program.

- was could be replaced by am. I have been a student for most of my life and am fortunate to have developed skills, strengths and interests that make me a (use a stronger word instead of good - prime, etc.) candidate for your nursing program
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "influenced by my Lebanese culture" - University of Virginia Supplemental [2]

I wrote this same topic for UVA. Good luck!

Family is always first, in any situation
- the comma isn't necessary

Why has this influenced your life so much? And because of your Lebanese culture, how have you become the person you are?

I think you might have missed answering those questions, and I think they're kind of vital to the prompt. Overall well written.
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / [Female Objectification In the Media] - issue of personal/local/national concern [7]

I'm a little biased because I am very anti-feminist.
But I do think the message is good. I know very many people who find this issue to be of a huge concern and I think you did well displaying that. However, you might want to consider making it a tad more personal and discussing how this issue has impacted you greatly. You discuss it in a broader sense with some personal details but really involving yourself in the essay may show some more of your personal involvement.
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

the benefits of an intimate neighborhood. But being raised in a relatively homogenous community has also fostered a powerful need within me- to be a part of a global community

- I don't know that you need the dash between "me" and "to"
- Homogeneous is the proper spelling.

NYU is my first choice in higher education because, in my opinion, it's the best example of a school devoted to diversity and progress in existence.

- I don't think the comma between "because" and "in" is necessary.
- I know you're working with a stringent character limit, but how do you know NYU is the best example?

I performed as a lead in a play of his as a junior, and I've remained in love ever since- absurd dramatist Eugene Ionesco

- I think this sentence is a little awkward, you might want to play with it. Perhaps: "After playing a lead in a play of Eugene Ionesco's, I have been in love ever since..." or something.

Overall, good responses!
Jpuck   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / [Female Objectification In the Media] - issue of personal/local/national concern [7]

How often is it that a woman looks into a mirror and finds herself to be dissatisfied with what she sees?
- you don't need "to be" just dissatisfied will suffice

one was innately given
- "was" = "is", you should usually write in active voice.

The culprit could be none other than the mass media.
- you might want to replace "could" with "is". This makes your essay more forceful and shows that as a writer you are confident in your assertion.

objectification of woman
- "of women"

remove their bodily hair
- "body hair" - bodily, in the way you used it is an adjective

It is impossible to deny amount of effort we put into hoping we look nice.
- I think you forgot the word "the" before "amount".
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / NASA spacesuit Cornell Engineering Supplemental [15]

It's ironic that"
- "it is" do not use contractions in formal writing

day get to mars and
- capitalize the "m" in Mars.

with its most abundance in carbon dioxide.
- with its most abundant gas being carbon dioxide

I like the way its written but some of the sentence structure is a little awkward. I believe that what you have demonstrated in the essay is impressing, but you might want to discuss why Mars is a beckon of life, or why this is your dream.
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App "Dear Identity..." [14]

I honestly don't know that they will be that critical of it. The way you explain it both in and out of your essay emphasizes your point. I think it was very well done.
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App "Dear Identity..." [14]

"And at the end, when you look at the big picture, you'll see that you've been progressing at an upwards slope towards a higher destination, whatever it may be."

when I look at the big picture of a cosine graph I just see continuous ups and downs, they don't go up higher each time.

Other than that, I thought it was a great essay, written well.
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Living in Japan has been an unpredictable" - Common App [4]

I quickly realized that going to a rural middle school in Japan wasn't going to be a normal
- going to middle school in a rural part of Japan

They had never met a foreigner their age and I had never met Japanese students mine.
- the end of this sentence is a little awkward.

After learning enough Japanese to take part in my classes
-"to take part" = participate

But after coming to Japan
- "coming" = "going"

This essay is very strong, and very detailed. It sounds like your experience in Japan was enlightening.
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "a late motivated bloomer" - common app essay Boys State [4]

A bit of a non-seq, but while you were there did you by any chance meet a guy named Charles Wanless?

This is very detailed, and very well written, but to give you a full critique I need to know which prompt you chose. I assume the "significant event" one.
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "the reasoning behind choices" - (Tell us what makes Stanford a good..) [3]

You list what you want from a college, but you should probably emphasize more how Stanford offers those things for you. Emphasize what it is about Stanford that proves to you that it was much better than you thought it would be.

"In short, Stanford is an excellent school for me because it possesses all the resources I need to become a well-rounded, globally-conscious, successful citizen of earth."

Elaborate upon why it is this way for you, make the essay a bit more about Stanford. The admissions people seem to want to know why Stanford clicked so well for you.
Jpuck   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / GW Honors Program - "perpetual quest for knowledge" - Over the Word Limit (HELP?) [6]

The prompt is: In an essay of approximately 300 words, let us know why you want to be a member of the University Honors Program.

I have about 386 words, any chopping/editing you want to help me do would be greatly appreciated. I'm kind of all on my own with this college app process. I'll definitely edit back for anyone.

In a graduating class of roughly 400, there are 14 IB Diploma Candidate seniors. There are 14 people who have the desire for an interdisciplinary approach to learning with the opportunity to work closely with each other, and their teachers. I am one of those 14, and the University Honors Program is the type of environment to which I am drawn.

I took IB for the challenge. As pedestrian as it may sound, I am on a perpetual quest for knowledge. Whether it was being enrolled in all of the "Gifted and Talented" classes in elementary school or taking a combined AP/IB schedule in high school, I have always wanted to learn more in a rigorous academic arena. It is this desire, and these special characteristics that have driven me to apply to the University Honors Program.

The University Honors Program offers a school within a school approach, something I am very much familiar with, given my IB education. This type of environment is the type in which I do my best work - where I have the ability to stand out, and collaborate but where I am forced to work hard and apply myself completely. I wish to be surrounded by others who feel the same way, individuals who are incredibly self-motivated, articulate, and disciplined; which I believe is found most exclusively in the Honors Program.

I am undeterred by the extensive work-load the Honors Program would bring. I have mastered the art of time management, completing my 4000 word Extended Essay well before the deadline, and will work to complete a task until it is completed superbly. The small class environment I would experience as part of the Honors Program would provide for me, the optimum educational collegiate experience and would allow me to not only thrive as a student but grow given the collaboration of experiences and intelligence that would surround me.

Calvin Coolidge once said, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence...persistence and determination alone are omnipotent..." and with him I agree completely. I may not have the highest GPA, or the highest SAT but I can and will work incredibly hard and believe that the Honors Program at your university would provide me with an optimum learning community in which I would undoubtedly perform at, and perhaps above expected standards.
Jpuck   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Opportunity's Door' - Cornell "Arts and Sciences" Supplement [5]

A few grammar nuances that I noticed were:
1. You may want to avoid "I'm". I was always taught never to use contractions in formal writing, I don't think changing it to "I am" would hurt, but its usually author's preference with these things.

2. There should be a comma between "Academically" and "this" you also might want to consider changing the sentence from "Academically this is no different" to "Academically, I am no different" to continue with the personal-ness that is your essay.

Also, if you're really set on Cornell you might want to change "can" in "can academically..." to "will". Just a stronger verb.

I hope this helps. I thought it was really well written.
Jpuck   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Princeton: a painter's summer [8]

I think this a very unique essay. I love the way it was written, and it flows really well. I did not notice any grammatical/diction errors and felt it ended somewhat abruptly, but nicely nonetheless.
Jpuck   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "Whenever someone shuts the door..." - Common App Essay Help [6]

This is a response to the Common App Essay about a significant person and their influence, if you could please tell me how the essay is/any necessary grammatical changes and/or give me feedback on an appropriate title it would be greatly, greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

When my unkempt and sloppily dressed IB English teacher emerged from the doorframe of my IB Math Studies class, I wanted to slink under the desk and hide. "May I speak with Jenny?" he inquired to my math teacher. I could not help but think of how arrogant he was being, intruding upon another teacher's class time to speak with me.

Whenever someone shuts the door behind you, it is never an enjoyable situation. Ever. "Sit", he said, as if I were some rogue dog incapable of knowing what to do in this particular situation. "No, I think I'll stand", I retorted. "Look Jenny," he said, stroking the Thoreau beard at which I always laughed, "you're easily my most brilliant student, and at the same time, my most troubled..." he let his words linger, despite what he said about his speaking skills, he knew how to emphasize a point, "and therein lays the problem. You are your own worst enemy, and I think it's time you knew it".

He was right and wrong at the same time, like he always was, not that I would ever admit it if he were the former. I do spend a lot of time preoccupying myself by helping other people solve their problems and very infrequently tending to my own. He was wrong, however, in the assumption that I did not know it. I knew it then, and I have known it for years, I just never wanted to address the issue.

Mr. Garrick and I certainly have a colorful relationship, but underneath all of the head butting and argumentation over improper grammar and unfair pop quizzes is a mutual understanding of respect and shared backgrounds. The beginnings of our relationship were tenuous at best. I thought he was an ignorant and arrogant overworked English teacher, and he believed I was just another "privileged white IB kid" that thought I knew more than he.

After several afternoons discussing and revising papers, our relationship became a little more personal. I discussed my meager upbringing by a single mother and grandmother and he relayed that he, too came from a similar background. I felt comfortable to discuss the medical issues that plagued me all my life and made school difficult to attend and he began to understand that I was much humbler and humbled than my peers. He spoke candidly about being stabbed in middle school, robbed in college and how much it broke his heart to run out of funds that lead to him having to halt his quest for a graduate degree. It was in those long afternoons in his office that he made me realize that he wanted me to succeed just as much as I wanted to succeed, but he was going to make me work for it.

Although many individuals have influenced my life, my English/T.o.K. teacher Mr. Garrick has been one of the most significant. A tough nut to crack, and even more difficult to please, my relationship with Mr. Garrick has only ever made me want to strive for more, achieve more, and attain success. I have never worked harder, or exerted more effort than I have in my IB English and IB Theory of Knowledge Classes. Mr. Garrick has shown me that I must be willing to rise to the occasion and that no one will show sympathy for poor circumstances - it is the responsibility of the individual to overcome what appear to be insurmountable odds to be successful at both the societal level, and in their own right. And for that I am eternally grateful to the sloppily dressed man with the Thoreau beard for all that he has made realize.
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