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Posts by jz7
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Last Post: Jan 14, 2011
Threads: 6
Posts: 21  

From: Canada

Displayed posts: 27
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jz7   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "college experience" - why is emory good match for you? [3]

slightly over word limit, i was thinking if i should touch on more aspects of Emory or was one fine?
i can help look anyone elses too! Please and thank you

Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation and weather. Besides these, why is Emory a good match for you? (250 words max)

I am a firm believer of "college experience". Given that Emory is based with many assets such as location and weather, I am not travelling to another country with the single intent to study or travel, but also to have the time of my life. Bounded by my innate ebullience, I cannot help but explore all the social possibilities at Emory. Large organizations such as Outdoor Emory provide me the opportunity to overcome my fear of heights in skydiving or challenge my endurance hiking the steep roads up Blood Mountain; it will enhance my outlook in life, and allow me to obtain knowledge that I may not necessarily achieve otherwise. Moreover, I want to participate in the Greek life that only college students can appreciate. This well established dominant force in Emory cannot be dismissed, and I plan to become one that can delivers the tradition, rituals of my sorority to those that scout this path after me. With over three hundred and eighty student organizations, Emory is providing a plethora of opportunities for me. I could easily jump into an organization such as Emory Wheel to further gain experience from knowledgably seniors in my area of study and interest, or effortlessly join a dance club to pursue that passion I never got the chance to. Either way, Emory allows me to invoke my familiarity with several subjects while I am this stranger in a foreign land, and provides the platform for me to associate with those who share common devotions. A prestigious academically-driven school balanced with an active social scene and diverse people , I am convinced that Emory is the key to my lock.
jz7   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Cross-stitch embroidery" project, experience, class - Brown Supplement [5]

I like the descriptions as well, the imagery used here is very good!

I agree that you could elaborate on your inspiration. Or you could also, incorporate your inspiration and thoughts into the imagery, instead of putting it all to the end, it would vary the structure a bit.

Look at mine when you free too?
jz7   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a girl." COMMON APP [12]

I really like this essay! It is quite original albeit sad, but touching!

the writing is good

The thought process included going through the list of names of my best friends in my first grade class and the consideration of naming her "Molly" after the main character in my favorite TV show, "Big Comfy Couch."

i don't really see the purpose of this.

The whole mood is pretty gloomy, I would suggest maybe adding a couple more sentences a the end, showing your determination for change ! It would compensate and add a very triumphant mood, something to think about.

Very well -written.

Look at my brown supp of you get the chance?
jz7   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "best advice: self reflection" brown [3]

Best piece of advice ever given? (500 words max)
"The only way to improve is to be humble and reflect upon you."
Much like that of any arrogant child, growing up, I hated to hear what was known as "constructive criticism". At the time, I failed to capture the "constructive component and only saw the words of my peers and elders as "criticism". My parents had always been successful people, whether it was work related or socially, they knew how to act and make people have a fondness for them. I, however, did not have the same reaction with my own generation. It was only until a certain time period that I discovered this truth to life.

Every time we had a family meeting, my parents would talk to me about the current issues they were unsatisfied with me. It was hard to absorb such a vast amount of criticism and it almost seemed as if they were attacking me. It goes without saying that I didn't really listen too much, if any, advice they gave me.

Suddenly, or maybe I was just beginning to notice, one day at school that some of my peers would ignore my words or just leave to go somewhere without me. I felt frustrated to always have to keep up with their footsteps and try to get a word in, and even more irked at the fact that I did not understand the reasoning behind their actions. It was when I found myself wandering about the hallways alone that I was able to contemplate on my behaviour. Maybe i crossed the line with a certain joke or maybe I had offended someone else's pride with a careless comment because I do know that I have a tendency to do that. It was only until I saw myself from an objective light that I was able to overcome that biggest obstacle-myself. It was finally at that time when everything my parents had been saying to me for the past years finally clicked in my head.

Self reflection is not always easy. It is explicitly telling yourself to look inside past all the superficialness, pass the pride and dignity for the dirty flaws that most likely you are unwilling to admit to. But that finding and correcting those vices, those flaws may be exactly the kind of tunnel to get across and develop yourself to another level.

My father told me advice this when I was ten. Seven years later, I am finally able to engrave this into my mind and wrap my head around it. Though disconcerting that it took me so long to realize the profound meaning and effective, I am forever grateful that I know it now, for I can apply it to the rest of life to give it the most depth and meaning as can be.
jz7   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "carpe diem" is my motto - Stanford --Letter To Roomate. [9]

The "carpe diem" idea is good, I think you could elaborate that a bit more and how you abide by it.

Also, do not say you are a "normal girl", it is very stereotyping and wayy cliche.

"I cannot promise you perfection ".

Also, if "carpe diem" is your motto, don't mention you enjoy doing nothing. "Lounging around" is not that appealing.

The answer itself is very honest and easy to relate to , good job! Check out mine when your free?
jz7   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Not limiting what a student should study" - Brown essay, why brown? [3]

Hi
I find this answer to be wayy to general.

Almost every other school, you can create your own major and Brown AOs would probably not appreciate this.

Try doing some research and relating it to yourself, adjusting the question a bit as "Why is brown unique? What do you like about brown" possible specific academic programs that are only offered at Brown. You have around 200 characters left, you should use that wisely!!

Hope that helped! Check out mine too?
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / The day that my parents bought me my first Tarzan..Penn Supp [4]

My parents' greatest regret was probably buying me my first Tarzan 100 piece Jigsaw Puzzle in first grade. From then on, there was no going back.

Though this version is better, it stills seems mighty awkward and not too much of a hook. Maybe try to rearrange the words a bit more?
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "one of these stars I saw that night" - Why Columbia? [8]

Haha i love the star concept, its very cute. The beginning is very captivating. Though I think you put a bit too much description at the start about the stars.

However, though very fanciful and "fairy tale like", maybe talk about some specific college or program that is unique to columbia. I understand you like the environment of nyc, but nyu has the same environment right?

something to think about . great work !

look at mine if you get the chance?
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / the School of Social Education and Social Policy - Northwestern Supplement [7]

This is a very well done piece, but try to not use contractions . Use "that is " instead of "that's" and " I have" instead of "I've".

You show you know a lot about the college and its many academic/extracurricular programs.
I think it could be more improved if you incorporated more personal aspects into the essay, what makes NWU FIT YOU as in applicant.

This way you would be able to "stand out" instead of just praising the university.

Look at my NWU post if you get a chance and help me out a bit? Thanks!
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "my low grades" - Northwestern- would you send an essay like this to a school? [11]

When you read my application, the first thing that will probably come to your attention are my low grades. Other than that, which is unfortunately the most important part, I think I make a good candidate for Northwestern; my test grades are strong,

this is contradictory and may need a better explanation.

furthermore, don't waste space sayin you WILL CONVINCE them, just do it by showing, not telling.
i would advise rewriting the first paragraph.

For as long as I can remember, I have been an unconventional thinker.

this seems awkward.

you only talk a little about NWU in the last paragraph, try to incorporate more areas of interest and its unique qualities.

hope this helps and it would be great if anyone could look at my NWU app as well!
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Touring the West Bank" - STANFORD INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE [7]

I agree with Kelsey, that was one point that struck out to me when I was reading.

A question aroused when I was reading:

I did all I could do to know about Israel from every aspect: I bought multiple guide books, practiced my Hebrew and Arabic, and read the Lemon Tree, a novel impartially written captured the Arab and Jew perspective in the heart of the Middle East. I was prepared to gain an intellectually stimulating experience of a lifetime.

the "preparedness" mentioned here seems to be talking more about the physical and geological aspects of Israel rather than the humanitarian, as mentioned by the women.

If that is the case, maybe you should mention that you were in no way prepared for this sort of stimulation?

btw, use "arabic" and "jewish",not the informal way as it may be offensive.

just a suggestion, otherwise very solid essay, good job!! look at common app please?
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "favorite angiosperm, Hubert," - short MIT Supplement [8]

Hi! I think the descriptions and fluency of the essay is very good.

If your activity is meant to be "climbing trees", I think you should mention that.

Right now, i would have to say your "activity" seems to just be hanging out. Don't get me wrong, if that is what you are trying to express, that is fine too.

hope that helped? good luck and maybe look at my personal statement essay or others if you get the chance?
jz7   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Marketing + New lifestyles + God is the most important - NYU [6]

1st essay :
The first two sentences seem okay.

I have practiced this process repeatedly through both paid and volunteer experience in graphic design. I have also served as chair of the marketing committees in Valley Youth Council, Community Resource Network, and San Ramon Student Ambassadors, as well as the publicity branch of student government.

it seems as though you are just listing your experience, and there is no "finish" to the prompt. Try incorporating these activities and your interest towards NYU.

2nd essay : first question was where is danville? Maybe mention that it was your hometown, as nritya suggested. Also try to address "global network university" as asked in the prompt.

3rd essay: This is an interesting concept. It seems to be kind of a paradoxical situation that you are in atheist (a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings) and want to bring god. It is kind of confusing for the reader and does not tell me much about you.

hope that was not harsh, if you have time maybe look at mine?

Good luck on your apps!
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP "Behine-the scenes" of entertainment" + "informal rules" + "special person" [5]

I found these supplements quite hard as the word count is severely limited and every one else seems to have a similar generic answer? Is there any suggestions to alter mine a bit and make it maybe more personal? Any critique is appreciated, harsh welcomed! I shall look at your essays in return as well.

What led you to select your anticipated academic area of study at any of the colleges at NYU?What interests you the most about your discipline ,mention any extracurriculars that show your interest. (500 characters)

Growing up, I have absorbed countless pieces of information that media has fed to me through various mediums. Slowly, my interest in media developed from only pure entertainment purposes, to a keen awareness for the "behind-the-scenes" work. Among completion of various programs at the local television and radio station, as well as involvement with the 2010 Winter Olympics Programming Team, I am more convinced that this is the path I want to explore. Media delivers all to the world. I want to take part in that sending. I believe that NYUCAS is not only the only option, but it is best option.

What does the concept of global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in NYU, OR ANY SITE would change you as a person and equip you to build cross cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

I have travelled to at least eight different countries and been through numerous cities. The concentrated facts I learn from the tour guides, however, is not enough for me. I wish to learn a culture of a location. The slang, the "informal rules" and even the little bargaining tricks are what appeal to me. That is what NYU's global network university offers. It is at NYU where I can truly absorb and apply the universal values that I have obtained and forward that to myself in the future. Only NYU would allow me to stand at one point, and absorb from all sides.

Bring any person past/present to anywhere SPECIAL TO YOU , who and why? (NYU)
With his speech "I Have a Dream" Martin Luther Junior defied what was deemed as conventional and sent his message tenaciously. For that, he is my hero. More than anything, I would want to bring him to Canada, my country, a country accepting of refugees; a country where diversity roams freely, and make him see his dream realized. Because of people like him, civilians like me no longer worry about racial discrimination; I can know and love people of various skin tones; I can learn from the assorted cultures. I want to demonstrate to him the immense change that he took part in, and the success of that revolution
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "loved competition and teamwork" - Extracurricular Activity Short Answer [5]

Since I was a little boy

try : growing up,

omit the "and" in the second sentence

And when I reached high school, I could think of no better idea exceptthan to combine my passion for learning with my desire to competeboth passions by joining the Science Olympiad team.

The elders not only intrigued me by relating science to daily life but also mentored me through the difficult transition to (ambiguous, through middle school or from elementary school ) middle school. I remember my first SciOly competition, where when I was put into the beginner team. I studied all night and day and ended up disappointed as I was ranked 15/26 (write this out ) .

I came back next year the subsequent year and won 2 medals. This year, I was chosen to beas the Vice president and now ...

some grammar errors, please edit and revise

as for the word count, try to copy and paste into the common app, see if it allows it or not.

good luck with your applications!
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "devoted to my goals, and confident" -personal or creative essay that describes YOU. [14]

Hi thanks for your input in my essay :)

Overall it's a good essay.

I would suggest that you use some examples to demonstrate the traits that you claim you have.

Right now, i see a lot of "telling" and not "showing".

How can you prove to the admin officer that you are "complex, independent and outstanding"?

Something to think about, good job though!
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Northwestern Essay-past and future [3]

Wow..that was good :)

I really like the ending. You are a good writer.

Stylistically, I think some of wording is a bit complex in the middle "magnetize" ... Don't get me wrong, big words can be nice, but you use them at quite a frequency that it can be kind of strenuous to absorb. Remember, simplicity and conciseness can get to the idea through faster.

Just an opinion.

Check out mine too if you could?
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "a school to achieve the seemingly impossible dream" Northwestern Supp [3]

Any sort of criticism is much appreciated! Please and thank you in advance.
[b]What are the unique qualities of Northwestern University - and of any specific undergraduate school-and how will you take advantage of this?

I have always been a big dreamer. Growing up, I've told countless people my dream of working in the entertainment industry, the "show-biz". The dubious looks and awkward chuckles that I have received, however, remind me to this day how difficult that goal may be to obtain. Therefore, when I came across Northwestern University's School of Communications, my eyes lit up, for it was no longer a matter of choosing from an array of schools with academic programs too broad or narrow, but a matter of "communicating" my vision, my dream to this ideal university.

My current interest of study is very specific, yet open to new paths. I have inherited some business-savy nature from my parents and aspire to work in the industry on a more management level, such as an event coordinator. I hope to incorporate aspects from both business and communications into my future career. Most universities I find, only have a general "journalism" or "media culture" program, which deviates from my interests and varies from my focus. Here, I believe I will be able to explore a myriad of programs and opportunities all related to my dream, and undergo a significant personal development to inch toward my final destination. Furthermore, with the programs much more closely connected at the School of Communications, I would be able to share ideas and thoughts of a piece of work and accumulate different perspectives from my peers even if they are from a different major or academic program.

Because being comprised of great academic programs is critical for any school, I also sought out Northwestern University for its student body organizations and activities. For me, going to Northwestern would mean travelling to a foreign land, a stranger to the people, a stranger to the customs, a stranger to its culture. The four hundred student organizations would not only invoke my familiarity with a certain subject but introduce me to a broader context and allow myself to associate with those who share common passions. As a fervent communications lover, I indulge daily in the practice of expressing and absorbing various outlooks. To be given such a plethora of opportunities for me to perform this task brings me indescribable delight and excitement. It would only be foolish of me not to quench my thirst in this well of benefits.

Northwestern University, unlike many other prestigious universities, is located in a rather suburban location (Evanston campus) which allows students to be in a more concentrated and isolated area. This fosters a sort of community and allows for its own set of culture. Northwestern's small size would also allow for a more personalized college experience, giving students like me, an equal chance to create our own road to success.

I could go on with praise about Northwestern University because every minute detail, some that even the students neglect, is taken care of to such a great extent. These three factors: a rare, renown college with compelling academic programs, a diverse and abundance of student body organizations and activities and a comfortable, separated small community are what make Northwestern outstanding among the numerous universities to me. I am convinced that this is the school that can not only assist me in achieving my life-long dream, but prove those skeptical spectators wrong.
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / the Senior Capstone Program in Engineering, technical expertise - Why Olin? [8]

This is a pretty solid essay. It shows you know a lot about Olin and you show full interest in going there!

My suggestion would be to incorporate the part of the prompt that says "why you thin Olin is a GOOD FIT FOR YOU".

you mention a lot of how Olin is great and you love this program, but think about how you can contribute to Olin, like from an Admission Officers point of view.

Hope that helped! just a suggestion.

Please maybe look at my personal statement or other posts if you have time, thanks!
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP: "bring anyone past/present/fictional to anywhere and what would you share" [6]

Revised Version:

With his speech "I Have a Dream" Martin Luther Junior defied what was deemed as conventional and sent his message tenaciously. For that, he is my hero. More than anything, I would want to bring him to Canada, my country, a country accepting of refugees; a country where diversity roams freely, and make him see his dream realized. Because of people like him, civilians like me no longer worry about racial discrimination; I can know and love people of various skin tones; I can learn from the assorted cultures. I want to demonstrate to him the immense change that he took part in, and the success of that revolution.

this is my edited version, still thinking about that "greater reason" but i appreciate any input , thanks everyone!
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "my class's performances for holidays": experience and its impact on you [3]

I actually think this is a great essay! It's a solid story.

It's clear your a good writer:)

A few pointers: I think this essay is a bit lengthy ; as in there is a lot of stylistic description that may not serve much purpose to the thesis. For example, you talk about how "colourful " and nice New Years is as a holiday, but what does that serve to your influence?

"Eventually, during preparations, together with Zhazira we added more bright moments to
the performance, replacing the old Russian characters from "The irony of fate" into
Kazakh traditional family members, who represented Kazakh culture and later appeared to
be more familiar and interesting to the audience. Besides, we could additionally make a
short humorous performance to raise a joyful atmosphere."
this part is kinda plot driven, maybe try to reshape or somehow incorporate the moral decision and impact on you?

hope you didn't think that was harsh, just a personal opinion :)

check out mine when your free? could use your help!
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP: "bring anyone past/present/fictional to anywhere and what would you share" [6]

Should I talk more about the place and why rather than why I chose him? Any Critique is welcomed, harsh or otherwise :) Please and Thank you!

Prompt: If you had the chance to bring anyone, who would you bring and why? What would you share with that person? (500 characters)

He changed the world that day, with his speech "I Have a Dream". Risking not only his own life, Martin Luther Junior defied what was deemed as conventional and sent his message tenaciously. For that, he shines brighter than any light source; for that, he is my hero. More than anything, I would want to bring him to Canada, my country, and make him see his dream realized. As an immigrant to Canada, I was first worried about racial discrimination, but was blown away by the welcoming response. I want to share with him the immense change that he took part in, and the success of that revolution.
jz7   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "thinking outside the box" - What makes Stanford a good place for you? [6]

good job, you have the ideas down, a few pointers:

try: there is only enough space for a volleyball court,

its my motto: the sky is the limit.

try to use an adjective, rather than "terrifies me (in a good way)." try "astonishes me"

your paragraphs seem a bit choppy, maybe add some transition words in there?
Also, you should develop your ideas more...I think of Officer of Admissions would appreciate it more if you elaborated on one of the two ideas (study abroad/ activities) rather than cover both in a few sentences.

hope that wasn't harsh, good luck!
jz7   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "the underdog in a foreign country" common app statement and short answer [5]

Please help! Any critiques are appreciated !
Thank you in advance.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its influence on you.

The first step I took into that country, my "home" country, I was already at a disadvantage. I could not understand the, and my less than fluent Chinese did not, by any means, help me in communicating with the speakers of the local dialect. At school, I was 9 years behind each and every one of my Chinese peers. My main priority, therefore, was already in black ink imprinted in my mind: I need to catch up.

This was easier said than done. Growing up in a western society, I believed schools sought above all creativity in its students rather than discipline. Educators believed in stimulating free thought in each student. Even though I was among peers of the same age, I felt the curriculum imposed a great challenge on my abilities, I had never had my potential tested in so intense a manner before.

My first week there, my father had already gotten me a tutor for every subject except for English, which could only be described as a painkiller, a temporary relief. I remember crying in class due to the frustration of not understanding the teachers, and feeling as if my situation were futile. Every day, I would go home and write down on flashcards new vocabulary and their romanizations, but it was extremely difficult. I was still learning grade one material while my peers were already on grade five. My peers were starting to become irritated by my never ending questions, for they also had to focus on their own work. Most teachers believed that I should work this difficulty out for myself. I was on my own. I seriously would have to adjust my attitude towards school greatly if I wanted any sort of output. This was a game against me.

A year later, I was able to catch my breath for the first time. Not only did I receive an A on my Chinese essay, but my teacher complimented my essay in front of the whole class. Staring at the bright, scarlet letter, which probably only took the teacher a millisecond to actually write down, I almost collapsed. All the late nights of memorizing and all the belittling looks from my peers did not matter anymore; this moment was priceless. It meant that I was making a progress that no one could disprove of.

That year, I was ranked third in my Chinese class and top fifteen percent of my elementary graduating class. When I received the news, I did not boast or scream out of ecstasy because I knew how hard I worked for this, and I knew exactly how many extremes and limits I conquered to get there. I pushed myself to reach my potential, for one's biggest limitation is only oneself.

short answer for common app: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the spaces below.
Sweat trickled down my forehead from nervousness as twenty eyes stared at me expectantly. I had just blown the black whistle, which is the final point to determine a team's win or lose. I clearly saw the away team hit the volleyball a margin out of the line (which would make my school win), but I as a rookie referee ,I had my doubts and I also did not want the other team thinking I was biased. Then, I remembered what my trainer told me: you call the shots, believe in what you see. I lifted my head, with confidence and called the ball "out". Two reactions instantly bombarded my senses. My home team shrieked from ecstasy while the other team cussed and threw me dirty looks. I absorbed both reactions nonchalantly and walked towards home, because at the end of day, I must do what is right for myself.
jz7   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Different Road" - Common App Essay [9]

Negativity may not be bad..but maybe focus more on the "significant influence" of the prompt.

You seem to be really engrossed in describing the details of your sister's rebellion, but maybe elaborate more on the effect? :)

if you could, check on my essay too?
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