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Posts by etaang
Joined: Dec 30, 2010
Last Post: Jan 2, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 40  

From: America

Displayed posts: 44 / page 1 of 2
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etaang   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / watching the same episode, the babysitter, the messager, gap-year student [3]

The majority of your work is incoherent and full of what seem like useless ramblings. I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish here, but it doesn't look like you succeeded in doing anything except bore the audience.

I guess you were trying to explore the multiple "versions" of yourself? In any case, the quality of writing is very weak and the personal anecdotes you used are both awkward and unconvincing.
etaang   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Experience-Washington Youth Tour - Common Application [6]

Yeah, this definitely is not what you want to be submitting for your Personal Essay; from reading all of that, I've learned more about D.C. and the program than I have about you.
etaang   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Find X-The X Chromosome [2]

The first half of your essay was very strong and interesting. However, it seems as if you milked the experience a little too much. At times, your writing sounded as if it were just rambling on and on; cut out some of the unnecessary parts so as to preserve the succinctness of your piece.

Also, I don't really like the ending that you chose. It seems like you were trying to just throw in another theme at the end. It was very abrupt and leaves the audience on a negative note.
etaang   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "An expansion on photography" - my elaboration of snapping a photo [7]

Cacophony isn't the right word, either...

This essay is a prime example of what you shouldn't be doing with your diction choices. You ever see that episode of Friends when Joey tries to make his writing sound more intelligent by substituting every other word with a "smarter sounding one" that he gets from a thesaurus? Right. That's exactly what it seems like you've done.

There's a huge difference between using advanced language to communicate a high aptitude for writing and using big words just to try and sound smart. Adcoms will easily be able to see through such tactics, especially since half of the words you used don't even make any sense.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others [15]

Your writing is filled with ungrammatical phrases and incorrect word choices; what you call "slight verbosity" is more or less just an immature level of writing. If you were to write succinctly, I'm sure that your work would be much more successful.

Content-wise, nothing in your essay stands out as being sincere or meaningful. All of the reasons you listed for why you want to transfer are incredibly generic and uninteresting to read. As was noted by the previous poster, at times you seem to be getting carried away with yourself (dropping a painting, novel or some other literary work every few sentences just makes you sound pretentious).

On a final note, you won't be able to fool adcoms into thinking that you have a certain degree of cultural literary or intellectuality; as such, there's no need to jump around from topic to topic (why you want to go to a LAC -> your major -> existentialism?).

Your essay isn't bad because it's "too professional sounding"; your essay is bad because it just sound so fake.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Faq, Help / Why is my topic / thread deleted? [78]

It's not okay, unfortunately. Your best option is to choose one website and stick to it - not to pollute the Internet with the same/duplicate publications.

Because the Internet is running out of space...
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "everything that extends beyond my knowledge" - APPLES - Brown what don't you know? [5]

Your essay is written pretty well, but I'm a little unsure as to how good of a job you've done answering the prompt. I mean, you're pretty much saying that what you don't know is what you don't know. The abstract ideas that you touch upon in the second half of your essay are all reasonably developed and interesting, but the pertinence they have to the question at hand is stretched.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Motivation - Common app essay: learning from a failure [2]

Your piece is decently written but the piano and learning from your mistakes are literally some of the most overused college essay topics; and you combined them together! Ahhhh.

When it comes to the substance of your essay, nothing in there is interesting to read. Adcoms will have heard this same story many times.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Tipping Point" - University of Virginia Supplement [3]

Decent book report; bad college essay.

UVA could care less about what book you chose; they are deciding on whether or not to accept you, so your essay needs to be predominately focused on you. The only parts of your work that showcase your character is in the first paragraph, where you actually spend more time highlighting your negative attributes than you do presenting yourself in a good light.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "I play Classical music on the piano" - MIT - What do you do for the pleasure of it? [7]

If you pick an overused topic like piano, you really need to attack it in an original way. That being said, aside from a few bouts of fluffy language, the two essays you are very uninteresting to read. Perhaps you should something more engaging, like writing an essay on you playing one song and fill it with a lot of vivid images. Hell, write a piano essay from the perspective of your fingertips! Do anything to make it original.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / James my barber (determination and courage essay) [3]

First of all, you can cut phrases like "as unconventional as it seems" and "it may seem unusual" that do nothing but purposefully stretch the originality of your essay. We can see that premise of your work is unconventional: pointing it to us is just unnecessary.

That aside, you unfortunately seemed to convert a decently interesting idea into an incredibly boring essay. I mean, its cool that you've looked to your barber for guidance, but when all he does is give boring, patriarchal advice, you might as well have just written your essay on a parent.
etaang   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Bob Dylan and Dental Hygiene: BROWN supplement [4]

I mean, I really liked where the essay was going prior to the shift. The imagery and stylistic choices were awesome (I'm a Dylan fan myself). It's just when you tried to make too much out of that one anecdote, your essay loses its sincerity and pathos.

And I'm not sure if this topic is that well-tailored to the prompt at hand. You're being asked to reveal something that you don't know, but you spend a lot of time talking about the things that you do know. This would be fine if it were all in an attempt to convey some greater meaning, but it sounds as if the part of your work that actually addresses the prompt (What you didn't know) is as uninteresting as you know understanding what cavities are.

Again, what I'm trying to say is that while I agree that every single experience in your life can in some way be shaped into a college essay, it's easy to tell when things have been exaggerated.
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Bob Dylan and Dental Hygiene: BROWN supplement [4]

The connection between your dental anecdote and the "message" of your essay is very, very shaky; the second half of your second paragraph, where you try to draw similarities between knowledge and hygiene, is almost completely incoherent.
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair: how I defeated my mother" AMHERST SUPPLEMENT [6]

This topic doesn't really seem that well-tailored for the prompt at hand. You're supposed to be talking about overcoming adversity, but it sounds like half the time you're conceding portions of your argument and redacting your opinions. Besides, do you really think that writing about how you want to "defeat your parents" sets you in a good light in front of the adcoms? In part, it just makes you seem immature and slightly ignorant.

You just really need to focus on actually answering the question.
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Letter to Mr. Chu." - Common App Essay [7]

Eh. The premise is solid and I like your stylistic choices, but it get's a little tedious reading the "You were...So I..." format twenty times in a row. I'd suggest removing some of the parts where you linger on the mistrust and negative feelings you have about your dad; keep the overarching positive tone, and just keep stressing how this entire ordeal made you into a stronger, better person. Also, I don't really like you breaking the 4th wall in the last sentence.
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / ("Princeton in the Nation's Service") How to Improve Princeton Supplement Essay? [30]

The introductory paragraph is a little verbose (too many sensory adjectives and vivid images) and your concluding paragraph has many redundancies (the first two or three "I will fight hate..." sentences are enough for us to get the point) but that aside, everything looks good.
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Economic improvement + Chinese social expectation + Rural + Earthquake NYU and Brown [2]

I only read your Brown supplements.

1. The weather and the curriculum? Come on. If you were trying to write something that is generic, cliche and uninteresting, I'd say that you succeeded. Brown's Open Curriculum and campus-setting are ridiculously overused topics.

2. You spent too much time on the anecdote and not enough time emphasizing how Brown's resources can help you in furthering your passions. The only time you actually answered the prompt was in the first clause of your last sentence...
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Responsibility, Humility and Kennedy -> Amherst Supplement [3]

"It seems to me incumbent upon this and other schools' graduates to recognize their responsibility to the public interest... unless the graduates of this college... are willing to put back into our society those talents, the broad sympathy, the understanding, the compassion... then obviously the presuppositions upon which our democracy are based are bound to be fallible."

John F. Kennedy, at the ground breaking for the Amherst College Frost Library, October 26, 1963


The weight of societal responsibility has been driven into each of our individual characters; whether we like it or not, it's a responsibility that we will all eventually have to answer to. However, there's a keen difference between merely recognizing the truth in Kennedy's words and being able to actually put his ideas into motion; as eager as I am to start doing good for this world, I have to admit that, at this stage of my life, I simply don't have what it takes - maturity, experience and education included - to substantially better my society.

What I do have, in great abundance no less, is a vision of what I want to make of my abilities and interests. For these past four years, almost every single endeavor I've undertaken has been in an attempt to further my understanding of public policy, law, political science and government. My participation in organizations like Model United Nations and Policy Debate has rewarded me with insight into the mechanics of international affairs and domestic political reform; through Mock Trial and Moot Court, I am capable of perceiving the inherent worth of jurisprudence and legal forensics. All of these extracurricular achievements are rounded-out by the knowledge I've accumulated in my Government and History classes, along with my self-studying of economics.

I've long-since realized that law and politics is the environment most conducive to my talents, and that I may one day channel these talents into resolving societal issues. Nevertheless, I also understand that being purpose-driven does not equate to readiness in pursuing such grandiose aspirations; I look to Amherst because I see that an education here will create the foundation I need to enter into politics and law, the areas that I have the greatest capacity in giving back to our world.

Urgent help needed.
etaang   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a girl." COMMON APP [12]

Far too much of this essay is devoted to your father's opinions and ideas; you need to spend time writing about who you are and what you want. Your concluding paragraph is very terse and underdeveloped, and the underlying "message" of your work is also incredibly cliche (which greatly contrasts to the relatively original anecdotes you used).
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I don't have time to go through your work with a fine-toothed comb (it should be obvious where you have ungrammatical phrases), but here's what I can list for you after a quick read.

When I first learned about the Greek city-states in sixth grade, Sparta was the one that really caught my attention parallel structure needed, When I ... I was...

Spartans were the hard, relentless people, loyal to their state and strong.

Me being me , I exaggerated these characteristics in my mind--Spartans were nearly immortal by the time my teacher separated the class into "city-states". However, that chapter in our social studies book was done after while and it wasn't until I saw the movie 300 a year later that my interest in Sparta was born again. The movie was incredible. It magnified the characteristics that I admired about Spartans, zoned in on the already prominent militarist culture of the state.

Just as the ticket-selling characteristics attributed to Spartans were milked in the movie, one of Sparta's unpleasant qualities was also put on display. Spartans practiced eugenics through infanticide. It was Spartan law to get rid of weak infants, for they weren't useful to Spartan society. They could neither bear strong warriors or be them .

I questioned what it was that triggered one's allegiance to their government to overpower the innate characteristics of humanity, such as the want to protect one's child. I had to take into account that the modern world is much more agreeable than the ancient one. Their laws maintained them; Spartan loyalty was to Sparta, but it was ultimately to their own will to survive . Infanticide is unacceptable, but the eradication of certain phenotypic characteristics was a necessary evil. Only the fit survive.

As for your second question, a quick look to the last sentence of your work should be enough to see what I'm talking about; you said verbatim that you approved of eugenics.

Hope that helps!
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "carpe diem" is my motto - Stanford --Letter To Roomate. [9]

You need to tighten up the grammar in the first and last paragraph of your essay. As for the content, you had a decent premise (that you had imperfections, you were humble etc.) but the the rest of your writing was overwhelmingly unexciting and cliche. It's good that you establish a relaxed tone, but your essay simply doesn't do anything aside from sharing your most basic personality traits.

Hope this helped!
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

^Yeah, in line with that train of thought, your essay has a lot of awkward phrases and poor syntax, highlighted below.

But moving on to the content, you spend far too much time providing some background information in the introductory paragraph of your essay. You need to be concise with these short supplements; the fact that your longest paragraph was also the one that had the least amount of substance and purpose is not a good sign for where the rest of your writing is headed.

Additionally, I think it would be wise for you to take a step back and think about what you are going to be telling Stanford. You approve of eugenics? Really? Regardless of whether or not you are heavily opinionated in this field, this isn't something you want to be sharing with an adcom.

As a whole, your essay just doesn't reveal much about the author; we are looking for insight into your character and mind, not a biography about Sparta.

And on a final note, 300 came out in 2007, so I don't understand how you could have seen the movie when you were in 7th grade.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / participation in organizations + extracurricular resources - Hopkins supplement [3]

1. Remember that the prompt itself does not ask for you to identify the major; it's more or less implied in the Supplement itself (where there is a button/slot for you select your major) and it simply wants for you to elaborate upon your decision.

2. Again, the prompt is asking for extracurricular activities that pique your interest; just because you pick a few activities that overlap (in orientation) with your major does not you have missed the purpose of the question.

But that aside, thanks for the helpful feedback! I'll get onto yours in a second.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / participation in organizations + extracurricular resources - Hopkins supplement [3]

1. Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

For these past four years, almost every single endeavor I've undertaken has been in an attempt to further my understanding of public policy, law, political science and government. My participation in organizations like Model United Nations and Policy Debate has rewarded me with insight into the mechanics of international affairs and domestic political reform; through Mock Trial and Moot Court, I am capable of perceiving the inherent worth of jurisprudence and legal forensics. All of these extracurricular achievements are rounded-out by the knowledge I've accumulated in my Government and History classes, along with my self-studying of economics.

But truthfully, I don't turn to politics solely because of its utility. That politics allows for us to resolve issues on the societal scale is a powerful motivator, but my fascination with this science caters to a much deeper need: more than anything else, I love listening to the ideas of others. It's that sudden rush of comprehension when I hear another opinion more informed, reasoned and correct than my own - a feeling of pure frustration and humility - that I've come to crave. In the political world, the environment that is most conducive to such an experience, I'll be forced to accept that there will always be debates above my level of comprehension, arguments that I am incapable of winning, and points that I just can't rebut. Arriving at this conclusion is what ultimately allows for me to refine my intellect and improve upon my character.

2. A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

I've been told that education is less than half of the total Hopkins experience, so ignoring the extracurricular resources your school has to offer would be doing me a horrible disservice. Primarily, I've always been immensely interested in collegiate-level Model United Nations and I hope to join the Hopkins program. Model United Nations is something that has become inextricably connected with my life, so whether it's having a spot on your school's travel team or contributing to the Johns Hopkins Model United Nations Conference, I anticipate keeping this passion of mine alive for another four years. Moreover, because I want to continue the development of my speech and debate skills, I find the Hopkins Policy Debate Team, the Woodrow Wilson Debate Council and the Mock Trial Association to be exceptionally compelling. The assets that are accrued through such organizations, such as eloquence in public speaking and analytical prowess, will undoubtedly enrich both my political studies and my stay at Hopkins as a whole.

But that's not to say that I'm stubbornly committed to only academic competition-related extracurriculars. I have been perennially interested in one particular activity - an activity that has also consistently eluded my grasps due to financial and geographical reasons: sailing. There's just something unmistakably attractive about being on the open water while there's a palpable level of uncertainty in the air; I hope to take advantage of Hopkins' access to the Chesapeake's Outer Harbor in earning my very first pair of sea legs.

I really need some help with these...
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Curriculum + political and social activism + inspirational professors- Why Columbia [4]

Your first two sentences are filled with awkward clauses (they run-on really long) and should be revised to improve the flow of your essay. That aside, the reasons you stated are all very, very generic; pizza, core curriculum and diversity? Come on.

You're definitely a decent writer; you just need to make your essay more concise and earnest.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" - UPenn supplement [9]

First of all, Penn being the "social ivy" is not synonymous with it having the most school spirit. The two are very different.

You should think about it like this. Literally every single person applying to Penn can cite the social scene as being why they are won over by the school. It is a universally overused topic that you should avoid at all costs. The smart and successful applicants are the ones that pick an area of interest that applies only to a very small amount of kids and write about that instead. Anthropology is a topic very conducive to such an approach, and I advise you to make your essay more, for the lack of a better term, original.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I saw this grinding machine" - UPenn- Supplement Essay [4]

In my opinion, if engineering is truly the major that you want to pursue, you should try to communicate even more about why you are interested in the field. Adcoms don't want you to try and hit every aspect of Penn in your essay; you need to pick one area that you are passionate about and develop that as much as you can.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" - UPenn supplement [9]

Your opening lines are, in my opinion, very weak; implying that Penn is the only Ivy League school with "school spirit" couldn't be further from the truth. It's nice that you are aware of some of Penn's quirky traditions, but there's really no need to highlight such a experience unless you can use to present yourself in a better light.

That being said, I think that the rest of your essay is very good. You clearly communicate why you intend to pursue Anthropology and you also demonstrate your active interests in Penn.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / NASA spacesuit Cornell Engineering Supplemental [15]

Sensory detail is very important in establishing the overarching tone of your essay, and the anecdote presented in the first three paragraphs is very clear, but I think you have devoted too much of your work on your experiences with the rocket. We can infer from your writing that you are enthusiastic about NASA and have an aptitude for engineering, but you need to ask yourself this question: who is this essay for, NASA or Cornell? Much of your essay is devoted to providing what seems like a biography of some of NASA's past achievements, whereas you should be focusing on your interests and your ideas. With that said, you seem to have missed the second part of the prompt (How can Cornell help...), too.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "my low grades" - Northwestern- would you send an essay like this to a school? [11]

^Agreed. While it might be a knee-jerk reaction to try and "explain" the weaknesses of your application, essays only do a very little amount of compensating. You are better off using your essay to show how, despite your grades, the other parts of your app are still excellent.

By opening with the paragraph you chose, you aren't doing much to convince NU to accept you. There is a keen difference between being conscious of your deficiencies (a very positive attribute) and trying to make excuses for why your grades aren't a little higher (not very good).

Content-wise, you need to spend more time simply addressing the question. Your first and third paragraphs seem almost completely unrelated to the prompt at hand and what time you do devote to "Why Northwestern" is very underdeveloped. Remember that the central tenet to college essays is to reveal, not tell. If you explicitly communicate that you feel you are an "unconventional thinker", you better have the experiences and substance to prove it (again, this goes back to the format of your work, since you really only have half an essay).

You seem like a decent writer and if you spent some time revising your piece then you should be fine. I hope this helped!
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / the School of Social Education and Social Policy - Northwestern Supplement [7]

^Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. If only I had a single experience that I could use as the root of my interest, haha.

And the idea of only briefly mentioning those aspects of NU was intentional; it's incredibly cliche/overused to write about those aspects of any school.

Thanks for the good feedback.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / the School of Social Education and Social Policy - Northwestern Supplement [7]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

Of all the reasons why I could possibly be attracted to Northwestern, none interests me more than the idea of studying Social Policy under the auspices of the School of Social Education and Social Policy. That's not to say that I don't find other aspects of your school to be compelling - Northwestern's curriculum offerings, cozy location on Chicago's north shore and Big Ten-status are hard to overlook - but, for quite some time now, I've known that I wanted to pursue an education in social policy. For these past four years, almost every single endeavor I've undertaken has been in an attempt to further my understanding of public and social policy, law, political science and government. My participation in organizations like Model United Nations and Policy Debate has rewarded me with insight into the mechanics of international affairs and domestic political reform; through Mock Trial and Moot Court, I am capable of perceiving the inherent worth of jurisprudence and legal forensics. All of these extracurricular achievements are complimented by the knowledge I've accumulated in my Government and History classes, along with my self-studying of economics.

I look to Northwestern because I recognize that it is one of the few Universities that actively devotes resources to undergraduate-level public and social policy. The more I learn about the School of Education and Social Policy and the Institute for Policy Research, the more I want Northwestern to become my home. From SESP's academic advising policies that will help me in deciding the right concentration and its core curriculum that stresses public policy in a pragmatic, societal context, to the ease at which SESP students can earn double majors at the Weinberg College and engage in interdisciplinary specialties - the School of Social Education and Social Policy has precisely what I'm looking for in my collegiate education. Here, I would be enrolled in a program that caters directly to the interests and talents that I've already spent years trying to develop. Moreover, the Institute for Policy Research and the dozens of professors in its ranks act as an on-campus utility through which I'll be able to apply my public policy studies. After seeing a few of the publications released by the IPR and its faculty members, I hope that I too may contribute to the Institute during or after my stay at Northwestern.

Additionally, I find the Northwestern Model United Nations Club, the highly-decorated Northwestern Debate Society and the Northwestern Mock Trial Team to be exceptionally compelling. These extracurricular activities easily relate to my intended major and will act as the most conducive environment in preparing me for real-life Social Policy issues. My familiarity with Speech and Debate aside, becoming involved with these clubs at Northwestern is an appropriate way of rounding-out my education at the School of Education and Social Policy, while at the same time acting as a strong segue into graduate- and professional-level political studies.

I could really use a better opening line, but I was trying to get to the point succinctly with all of my supplements.

Thanks for the help!

etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I saw this grinding machine" - UPenn- Supplement Essay [4]

Your essay is full of substance and easily communicates your interests and passions. However, the one discernible problem is that you try to encompass too many of your interests and passions; you should devote this supplement to one topic - either your engineering, student government or soccer experiences - so as to preserve the consistency of your piece as whole. I thought the transitions between each "part" of your essay was far too sharp.

I think that if you were to spend all of your essay talking about your engineering anecdote (which sounds like your most powerful memory), you would have a very solid piece of work.
etaang   
Dec 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Perceptions of Muslims/Arabs [8]

EDIT:AHH, sorry. I am unfamiliar with this forum and I assumed that all essays were college essays. Excuse the misguided advice, please.

There are a lot of awkward phrases in your essay; you have a knack for using commas in an ungrammatical fashion. Many of your sentences and individual clauses are jittery to the read, which compromises the overall flow of your writing. Unfortunately, I don't have the time (or the attention span) to go through your work with a fine-toothed comb (because its freaking long!), so I suggest waiting for some more substantial feedback.

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