Writing Feedback / theoretical analysis of two different media sources ( book and a play) [2]

Greetings!

I think you're off to a good start! As you say, it is just a rough draft, so I won't try to correct all the little typos at this point; I'll just point out one:

One of the core assumptions of the social exchange theory is that experience in relationships influences subsequent exchanges.

Though Miss Evers did all she could to help the men recover from Syphilis, they still saw that she did not live up to their expectation of being treated of Syphilis and hope of going into recovery. - This sentence is confusing and makes it sound like they expected her to be treated for (not "of") syphilis.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Greetings!

The king would rather experience a dark and chaotic night, than to keep the companionship of his daughters who demand that he abandons his followers.

By isolating himself, he will be able to reflect and go through a purgatorial suffering only to gain some sort of wisdom. Lear sets out into the storm to find a better version of himself.

Shakespeare's tragic play, King Lear, follows the life of a damaged man, who is blinded by his love for his self-seeking daughters.

This causes him to grow weaker, and to no longer be the strong-willed king that he once was.

He was once a king who obtained great power, but became weakened by his vulnerabilities.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Greetings!

Here are some suggestions:

King Lear becomes enraged when he witnesses his daughters lack of respect towards his commands.

Lear desperately begs Regan to shelter him, but she refuses - In desperation, Lear begs Regan to shelter him, but she refuses.

Rather than providing - Saying "rather then [doing one thing, instead of something else]" is ALWAYS incorrect.

Regan views her father as a senile, weakened king, who no longer can handle control.

It's a little difficult for me to help you explain quotes taken out of context; I'd have to read the whole play to really give you an in-depth analysis. I think you have a good handle on what's going on, though.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on saving land for endangerous animals [4]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

due to humans' need for farmland,

We tend to seek our own profit, not caring about other living creatures' lives.

They can breathe, die, and give birth to their offspring

We should respect them as equal beings.
They have their own territory and their own colonies.

A great number of animals die each year. - Of course a lot of animals die each year; a lot of humans do, too. :-) I think you meant that a lot of species become extinct every year.

If this phenomenon continues, only a few animals will be left in a few decades.

What if our children go to the zoo, but find only a few species of animals there?

We do not care about other living creatures.

However, animals are not inferior to humans at all. They are equal living creatures, as are human beings.

I want to caution you against using "always"; it is almost always inaccurate. ;-)

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Jean Piaget - how is my grammar-Psych paper? [7]

Greetings!

Your paper is very well-written and has no obvious grammar mistakes. However, I found several instances of plagiarism. Any time you use phrases from a source, you need to cite that source. If you use the exact wording, which you did in a number of instances, you need to put it in quotation marks and give a citation showing where you found it, even if it was on a website. If you paraphrase an idea, you still need to cite the source, if the idea is not your own. Failure to do either of these things can be grounds for a failing paper on the basis of plagiarism.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Opinion to defend, in conflict with the majority - admission essay [4]

Greetings!

This is a very good essay! Here are some editing tips for you:

Not wanting simply to simulate others, I began to rebel against the "expected pattern" of my life...
"Are you crazy?" most of my friends responded instantaneously when I told them that I'm applying for a transfer.

Whenever I asked advice from the respected professors, I got almost the same answer.

in harmony over the great cultural chasm in the future.

Through the conflict, I suffered but became more steadfast about my life's aim.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose (objective, reasons, goals) for MIT [2]

Greetings!

You sound like an interesting person! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

Sincerely I have the constant awareness of the beauty of mathematics. - I would delete "Sincerely"; it sounds a bit strange here.

From an early stage, I have always found it an exciting exploration when tracing the history of mathematics and considered the process of cracking problems as a recreational form of detective work.

<<The Economics of Everyday Life>>, in which [no comma] he adopts popular and easily-understood cases and flexibly combines obscure economic principles with people's daily lives.

In the same year, I read Price Theory, a representative work of his.

Under the trend of globalization, China's fledging financial market has become much more open, which brings a great danger of being attacked.

My special interest lies in the boundless imagination in mathematics and I prefer to make things as logic as graphic. - "as logic as graphic" does not make sense; I'm not sure what you were trying to say.

Whenever free on the road or quietly eating meals,

Also, I discovered that dreaming does help to release the pent up creative imagination. In the dimly understood world (which may involve more dimensions), I not only sometimes worked out "insurmountable" homework problems

Thus, the extensive courses and the environment of creativity exactly support my indulgence in unrestrained thinking.

I was greatly fascinated by the oath to "make a difference in the world, solving real-world problems for the betterment of mankind". - What oath? Say where it comes from, even if it is the school's

Best of luck with your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / "The Westing Game" by Ellen Raskin - evaluation/summary edit [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help you with some editing. Here are some suggestions for you:

Coupled with many underlying themes including, but not limited to, patriotism, finding ones self through others, and looking past differences. - This is a sentence fragment. Instead of "Coupled with" you could say "It contains..."; also, add the commas I included.

Simultaneously, on Halloween the characters share a defining moment when they see smoke rising from the supposedly empty Westing house, which symbolically signals the beginning of the game that no one is aware of just then. - This is confusing. What does "Simultaneously" refer to? They aren't receiving the letters (previous paragraph) simultaneously with seeing the smoke; did you mean they all saw the smoke simultaneously? If so, it would sound better just to say "The characters share a defining moment on Halloween when ..."

Later on, sixteen of the tenants and three of the workers at Sunset Towers received letters inviting them to the reading of Sam Westing's will, as did Angela Wexler's fiancé D. Denton Deere. After the heirs gathered at the appointed time in the Westing house, attorney E.J. Plum read the will and testament, where Sam Westing revealed, "I did not die of natural causes. My life was taken from me-by one of you!" - You have switched from present tense to past tense; in the next paragraph, you switch back again. Stick with present tense throughout.

Yet, other groups had interpreted their clues to represent people's names, apartment numbers, and even chemical equations; none of these was right.

You've got a good start; keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Qi-gong -research Paper Help for a health class [4]

Greetings!

I think you've written a very interesting essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

Qi Gong was kept secret in the monasteries and temples in China.

Originally, Qi Gong was used more for religious purposes,

The Monks believe that these are the things that make up the root of our lives and are essential to our health.

It is believed that when the body's Qi is out of balance it causes illness and discomfort.

There are two types of Qi Gong: passive and active.

As stated in the book, Qi Gong for Beginners, by Standley D. Wilson, Ph.D., "Active

One of the most important things that ties all aspects of Qi Gong together is our breath.

The idea is to breathe slowly and lower the number of breaths required in one minute. By breathing more fully, a person can breathe less often.

It is believed that when the body is in sync and healthy, illness cannot intrude.

It is also believed that illness is nothing more than a bodily imbalance, and that by taking such measures as medication, you are not healing the problem, but rather covering up the symptoms of it.

Even though the symptoms are temporarily at ease, the problem still exists. The author of the book, Qi Gong for Beginners,

He did two rounds of chemo and radiation, every time the symptoms would subside and with the end of treatment. - This does not really make sense as written.

improving posture and balance, increasing blood flow to the brain, and cancer.

There were no published downsides of Qi Gong, however, one might be limited by a physical condition. There is also the matter of finding time to fit Qi Gong into your daily life that may pose a problem.

You might want to add a sentence or two of summary as a conclusion. Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / School lunches today - Illustration essay [3]

Greetings!

There are some distinct differences between formal and informal essays. First of all, the viewpoint the author chooses in a formal essay is usually third person. That is to say, you will need to change your essay so that you are not talking about "when I was a girl"; instead, present the information from a more detached viewpoint: "Thirty years ago, school lunches were more nutritious and flavorful." The second difference ties in with your switch from first to third person: content. The content of a formal essay is more likely to be drawn from historical events rather than the author's personal experiences. In the case of your essay, you would probably want to use outside sources, perhaps journal articles on nutrition or education, which support your thesis. You might want to build up the obesity angle, as there is probably quite a bit of information available on that subject. The tone of a formal essay is also noticeably different, objective and unemotional. Avoid slang and contractions.

You'll have to do quite a bit of rewriting, but I hope this will help you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Greetings!

I've made some corrections for you:

His denial stems from his not being able to see his daughters' true colors. This denial leads to his rage, when he is able to see Regan and Cornall are being thoughtless of his authority. He eventually isolates himself, in hopes of redefining who he is. Lear moves through stages in his life before any wisdom can be gained, resulting in his becoming a victim to his own poor choices.

It is said [by whom??] denial is "an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable." King Lear's denial derives from his blindness towards Regan and Cornwall's deceitful actions. He can't see his daughter and her husband's true motives, since he is masked by their lies and deception. Lear and his followers arrive at Gloucester's castle. Kent hails the king, who promptly asks who has placed his messenger in stocks. When Lear finds out it was Regan and Cornwall who did this to Kent, Lear immediately refuses to believe they would imprison and disgrace someone in their King's employ: "They durst not do't: They could not, would not do't---tis worse than murder" (II.iv. 212-214). Lear convincing himself his daughter and Cornwall would not mistreat his servant Kent symbolizes his denial .[It does not "symbolize" his denial; it IS his denial]

By being in denial, Lear can avoid the harsh reality that his daughters Goneril and Regan, as well as Regan's [?] husband Cornwall, do not respect his authority. To circumvent the truth, he makes an excuse for Cornwall's devious behavior: " No, but not yet, maybe he is not well/ Infirmity doth still neglect all office/ Whereto our health is bound/ We are not ourselves," (II. Iv. 294-297). Lear deniably [deniably? who is denying it?] suggests, when sick an individual constantly neglects their performances of duties that they are bound to carry out when in health. This reason, excuses Cornwall from disrespecting Kent. Even though Lear attempts to solve this problem, he stands in fierce denial of his loss of authority. He no longer has power, only the title King. His unbelievable denial alternates into a powerful rage. ["alternates" means it goes back and forth between the two; did you mean it develops into rage?]

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Colossal dissertation problems [11]

Greetings!

While I'm happy to look at it for you, I'm not sure that my opinion as to what grade it should get would necessarily align with what your instructor would think. I don't know what criteria your instructor uses; he or she might place emphasis on things I would consider less important, or vice versa. However, I'm willing to give it a try, if you would like to post it here. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Greetings!

I thought perhaps you could start with the thesis sentence I gave you. ;) You might want to add a few words, though, such as: In William Shakespeare's tragic play, King Lear, the title character is a flawed man whose inability to see the truth in front of him leads to his downfall. King Lear's journey through the play takes him on a path from denial to rage to isolation, leaving him, in the end, a broken fragment of the king he once was, who dies from grief at the loss of the daughter he had rejected.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / descriptive writing: creating an exterior scene [3]

Greetings!

I'm happy to!

The pavements were packed with people: men and women, old and young, all sluggishly crawled down Orchard Road with their big boxes of presents. - "sluggishly" carries a sort of negative implication, as if they were doing so reluctantly. Perhaps better would be "all slowly lumbered down Orchard Road, burdened by their big boxes of presents."

Cameras flashed. - It's a little unclear whose cameras they are--shoppers'? tourists'?

Kristy crawled to a stop, turned back to have a good look at the street, - One normally thinks of a car crawling to a stop, but not a person. Perhaps you could find another word. Was she meandering?

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Greetings!

Well, of course, "Business" is a very broad topic! I assume you must have a background in business and at least a bachelor's degree in some aspect of business. If there is a particular area that interests you, or something you wish to accomplish once you have your graduate degree (is it going to be a Ph.D.?), that would help narrow it down. It's always a challenge to choose something which has not been done before (if it's for a Ph.D.) but which is also going to have enough materials available so that you can do the research that you need to do. If you could tell me in what areas your interests lie, I could perhaps give you more specific help.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Education is only single factor in country's wealth? [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing pointers for you:

This essay will discuss what comprises the vital elements of a country's wealth.

This is one of the features of a human being, which differentiates us from other species.

Even if majority of people are knowledgeable enough, what if they are reluctant to work?

even if they do not get enough schooling, the country will make significant progress, as we see the case of China.

In summary [or, "To sum up,] it is very tempting to think education is what the country's development is all about.

Thus the statement-'education is the only single factor in a country's development-is not entirely true.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on Novel Character - Esther from the novel "The Endless Steppe" [17]

Greetings!

Here are some suggestions and revisions:

Unfortunately, after her father was sent to work far away, Esther was not able to spend much time studying, as she had too much work to do.

Esther's strength is her family. She feels that if her family could stay together, she could go through anything, but worries that things will fall apart if her family does. Her greatest strength is also her weakness, though, because she cares so much for her family. She becomes weak for a moment when she learns that her father has to go away to work. When she thinks about her family and how they are starving, she gets motivated to work harder so she can buy bread and butter for them. After her father, goes awy and does not even send letters back to her often and does not return for months, she gets very upset but she does not express that to her mother or grandmother. She gives them courage that everything is fine and her father will come back.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Greetings!

It seems to me that denial, rage and isolation have a sort of cause-and-effect link. Denial leads to rage; rage leads, eventually, to isolation.

Your thesis and opening could go something like this:

King Lear's journey through the play takes him on a path from denial to rage to isolation, leaving him, in the end, a broken fragment of the king he once was, who dies from grief at the loss of the daughter he had rejected.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Cannery Row Project... Steinbeck [6]

Greetings!

If what you gave was the entirety of the instructions, it's a little difficult to tell whether your thesis is supposed to encompass only the good-hearted prostitute or include the other types of women as well. The two sentences I suggested don't really follow as one idea from another very smoothly. You could add a sentence in between them; something like "These character types are more than one-dimensional, though."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on Novel Character - Esther from the novel "The Endless Steppe" [17]

Greetings!

You have a good start; here are some editing suggestions:

Esther, an eleven-year-old girl who has to work the whole day on a farm to survive, is one of the strongest girls imaginable.After her family received permission to go and live in a small village, Esther was able to start school. Unfortunately, after her father was sent to work far away, she lost the privilege of going to school. Even in times when her parents broke down because of the terrible things that happened to them, she never became weak. She always had the strength to endure all circumstances around her and bring solutions to them. The time that she should be spending studying, she works so her family does not have to starve. She tries to look for customers that need some sewing done; in return for that, she gets bread, milk, and a little amount of meat if she is lucky.

This is a good sentence, but is out of place where you have it: Childhood is one of the most precious times of life, in which one plays freely, eats enormously, and goes to school.

As you continue your writing, think about not only the things that happen to Esther, but of her reaction to them and what that says about her. The important thing is to get at the heart of the character, understand her motivations, her strengths and weaknesses (she must have some?) and whether she might be symbolic of other things. Look underneath, rather than just on top of the surface of the character.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Cannery Row Project... Steinbeck [6]

Greetings!

I think you're off to a good start; it just needs a little honing.

In Cannery Row, Steinbeck casts women in a feminist light by making them unruly, difficult wives and prostitutes. The good-hearted prostitute that Steinbeck describes in the novel shows that, even though prostitutes are immoral, they have an altruistic side as well.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on The most remembering moment in my life [3]

Greetings!

Learning a new language is a big challenge! Just keep working at it and you'll continue to improve. In the meantime, I'll help you with some editing. I didn't highlight every change I made because I made quite a few, but this should help:

Black, long stripes of braking wheels, big spots of dark, spilled fluids, blood and little rectangles of broken glass. Screams and waiting for help.
It was an early morning, July 6, 2007, in Denver. The sun was about to rise from black skies starting to change color. The light breeze slowly moved the green leaves on roadside trees with birds singing from the branches. I and my friends, Pole and Rome, were coming back from work to home. We worked at the casino in Central City and it usually took us one hour to get to Denver. Our trip consisted of two parts: the first one was 21 miles in the canyon and the second was 30 miles on straight freeway. The canyon road was kind of dangerous because of many sharp curves and blind spots. The other 30 miles was very easy to drive because the road is straight and all you have to do is stay in your lane and watch for police patrols if you are driving over the limit.

That day, problems began as soon as we finished our work. First, I could not find my keys and we spent twenty minutes looking for them. Finally, we were on the way home and after fifteen minutes of driving one of our front tires just exploded and I had to replace it. This took me another fifteen minutes. After that, we returned to the road and began to discuss what happened.

"It is a little suspicious that I lost my keys and punched a tire on the same day. What do you think guys?" I said.

"It is just a coincidence. Do not worry about it," exclaimed Pole.
"I think that it is all the devil's game or a sign that we should not drive a car," said Rome, thoughtfully.

Having listened to their answers I started thinking about the devil. Is he real or just imaginary? What if Ivan was right? What if it was a real devil's game? If nobody saw him it means that he is unreal, I calmed myself. Meanwhile we passed half of the way and entered the freeway. After five minutes I realized that there were only three cars on the road. Two of them were in the middle lane and one in the right lane. I drove my car in the left lane at eighty miles per hour and I was about five hundred feet away from them. I began to speed up to catch those cars.

"One hundred and fifty miles is too fast. Please slow it down," Rome said.
"Give me a minute. I just want to pass and after that I will drive normally," I replied.
Trees, houses, everything behind my windows became solid and invisible. When you can only see what is in front of you but not what is on the sides, it feels like diving without goggles. At that moment, a car, which was in the middle lane going around sixty-five miles per hour, quickly changed lanes just one hundred feet from me. My first reaction was not breaking. I gave him some time because I thought he would pass the other car and return to the middle lane. I was totally wrong. He stayed in my lane and did not even think about passing. Then I hit the brake pedal, but it was too late. Also, there was no free lane to pass because there was a car in each line.

It happened quickly and powerfully. I saw how the crashed hood jumped in the air, how engine parts scattered on all sides; everything was moving in slow motion. In front of me, everything crashed with a terrible noise, clouds of a dust were raised as we went through the side rail guards. Through the dust clouds I saw the damaged car that I had hit and the people inside. There were a tall, skinny man and his wife. He was dressed in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. His face was deformed from horror. His wife also was nicely dressed and her mouth was open. She shouted in panic, but I did not hear her because of all the noise. We continued falling from the height and my car began rolling. In desperation I closed my eyes and covered my face and head with my hands. At that moment I hoped that it was just a nightmare. I waited for a second, but it seemed to me as long as an eternity. Then there was an impact. I was flung to the back of my seat and then pressed to my seat. Finally we stopped rolling; everything was silent and dark. No images, no sound, no feelings, absolutely nothing. I knew that I had to be strong; I had to wait until help arrived. I did not wish to die today. I was still too young. I tried to hear the helpful sound of the firefighters' alarm. If they would come fast then I would have a good chance to survive. I would spend some time in a hospital. Doctors would fix me and then all would became as well as it was earlier.

Best of luck with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on Customer Focus [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I've done some editing for you:

At Park Place Lexus, the company works really hard to achieve customer satisfaction. The company doesn't just focus on making their employees happy or listening to what they have to say on how to improve their quality, but they focus more on their clients (customers) to find out how their company could improve at two of their locations in Texas. Park Place Lexus has one very effective technique that they use to obtain information from various sources to define market segments and target clients; that technique is the "Listening and Learning Process." By using this technique, Park Place Lexus can identify the types of client and potential clients that live in the surrounding two areas owned by Park Place Lexus and to identify client needs and exceed their expectations.

There are many access points for client feedback that are being used in the dealership. One of the most significant access points is the use of "suggestion boxes," which are located in and around the important area of the dealership, where the clients and employees can have access to the box easily. The suggestion boxes are checked very often by the human resource employees and are then input into the computer system, where the suggestions are sent to the manager to be discussed later on in the manager meeting. By doing that it allows managers and other employees to be continuously improving their product and satisfying customer wants and needs, whether adding new loans service, adding more vending machines, or even adding free features for the cars, and improving dealership customer service. After reading all the suggestion messages, the company management team sends out thank you messages to the clients and employees for their suggestion feedback. That is what I call pure quality.

Another access point to the listening and learning process is the complaints system. Park Place Lexus takes every complaint seriously whether it is the employee's or the client's, and works to resolve the complaint quickly. All the employees have access to the online "Clients Concern Resolutions," system to log any complaints they receive. After the concerns have been resolved, whether it is on the phone or in-person, the department managers will provide a "follow-up call" to see if the resolution has met or exceeded his or her needs. By doing that Park Place Lexus is building loyalty between the employees and customers. [Note: I am not sure if you are using British or American English; if British, then it's okay to use the plural when referring to the company, so "Park Place Lexus are" would be fine.]

Focus groups are also another key access point of the Listening and Learning Process. Focus groups allow the company to see what kind of thoughts the clients have on their product, dealerships, and service. These sessions are open whenever changes in client expectations are identified, when researching new opportunities or when preparing for strategic planning.

At Park Place Lexus, it is all about building relationships with the clients so they can have a sense of excellent quality at Park Place Lexus. The relationship starts when the clients first set foot onto the dealership property. Employees are trained to greet the clients in a certain way and make them feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible and offer them drinks. The atmosphere at the dealership is very soothing and luxurious. The reason behind this relationship building is because they once lost many of their clients due to a lack of relationship-building and a not-so-luxurious atmosphere at their dealerships. As a result, by reading clients' feedback, it provided the opportunity for the dealership to be more interactive with their clients and employees.

One of the interesting access points that Park Place Lexus does is known as "follow-up process," several days after the client receives the product or service. The dealership will either do a "follow-up call" or "follow-up survey" by mail. This is to obtain information on clients' experience with the product or service. Follow-up calls also allow them to hear any constructive feedback about their sales or services experience. The feedback is then read like a suggestion card and is used to improve the sale and service process later on in the future.

Now you just need a good summarizing paragraph, maybe three sentences, to tie it all together. Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Successful friends" - an essay paper and having troubling starting HELP [2]

Greetings!

While we cannot provide answers by email, I'd be happy to give you some suggestions here! You might want to start with something like this:

There are some people who, even from an early age, stand out from the crowd. My friends, A, B, and C, were those types of people. The promise they showed as students has been fulfilled in their post-graduation careers.

Then, you could go on to talk about them, individually; for example:

As early as our sophomore year in high school, A showed signs of being an overachiever. Since that time, the promise he showed has been fulfilled. A majored in construction engineering in college and went on to become a successful architect. He designed the Hyatt Parkway Hotel in Minneapolis and the landmark casino, Arabian Nights, in Reno, Nevada. The artistic talents and leadership abilities he showed as Art Club President and Student Body Leader in high school have stood him in good stead. He is now one of the most sought-after young architects in the country.

B, my friend since freshman year at O.U., has achieved success of a different kind. Always active in her church, B majored in religious studies and business, then, after graduation, formed a charitable relief organization that assists school children in third world countries.

...and so on. I hope this helps to give you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A business letter/essay on the Duma (Tsar) [5]

Greetings!

I think it's coming along very well! Here are some suggestions for you:

As you know, I am also a member of the Socialist Revolutionaries Party. My aim is to bring socialism to Russia through the support of the peasants, even if it violence is required to achieve that end. I am doing my part by being a member of the Duma and expressing my point of view. In addition, my group is also working hard to give local assemblies more power in education and road building and to legislate some boundaries on police control.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on Novel Character - Esther from the novel "The Endless Steppe" [17]

I'll be happy to! I look forward to reading it! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with analytical paper for Children's Literature class [4]

Greetings!

This is an interesting topic! However, it is not the easiest concept to run an internet search on, as the way it is phrased does not provide the sorts of key words that come up with useful hits. You will have to rely on other things to get started. Think about how books of different eras differ in their subject matter, tone, underlying message, language, dialogue and so forth. One of Jane Austen's books, for example, would be very much a reflection of the late-eighteenth/early nineteenth century world she lived in. Social class was extremely important, as were good manners and, for women, a good marriage. For children's literature, the main attributes that anchor a book to its own time will differ, but the principle remains the same. Robert Louis Stevenson's A Child's Garden of Verses (1889), with poems such as "A Good Boy" extolling the virtues of being "good" is a far cry from Lesléa Newman's book, Heather Has Two Mommies, written a hundred years later about a child raised by two lesbians. The literature differs in these periods because the needs, desires, understanding and experiences of the children reading it are so different, and the books they read must reflect their lives.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / How to start a statement of purpose for art University? [3]

Greetings!

You will need to fill in the details that fit you best, but here is an example of how one might go: "I have always had a great love for expressing myself artistically, but it was during my course of study in graphic design that I began to narrow my interests down to a specific area. I developed a keen interest in illustration and began to feel a strong desire to hone my talents in that area. I feel that by advancing my studies in the field of illustration I will be able to put my artistic talents to their best use and continue my work as a professional illustrator with an even greater degree of creativity and originality."

I hope this helps to get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Sociogram for "The Endless Steppe" book [4]

Greetings!

A sociogram allows you to make a diagram, or graphic representation of the social links that connect people to each other. What those links are depends on the criteria used. They could be social relationships, influence, likes and dislikes, or many other shared qualities. Since I can't really draw one for you here, in this format, I would suggest that you do an internet search of "sociogram"; you will find numerous sites that discuss the topic and some pictures that show what one may look like.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Poem about Friandship - can I try this one? [2]

Greetings!

I think you have a great start to your poem! I like the line about war being an "innocent" word. :-) Let me give you a few suggestions about the grammar:

A great word that means a lot to us
A wonderful word that can make us smile

A horrible word that means a lot to us - There is an implication with the phrase "that means a lot to me/us" that the thing is good, rather than bad; it might be better to say something like "A horrible word with grave meaning.."

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on Novel Character - Esther from the novel "The Endless Steppe" [17]

Greetings!

You might start off with something like "In the novel, The Endless Steppe, the character of Esther is a young girl of remarkable bravery and strength, who must endure hardship, loss and the cruelty of a world which steals her childhood while teaching her valuable lessons about life."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The novel: "The Hundred Secret senses" - 12 items and what they represent [2]

Greetings!

Although I can't give you specific items, I might be able to help you search for them. Look for small things, as well as larger, more obvious ones. For instance, if there were a scene in which the mother was cutting tomatoes, could the juice represent blood? If there is a misty day, could the mist represent a character's lack of clarity in understanding herself? Try looking at small sections at a time, paying close attention to detail to try to determine why the author included that particular little detail. They won't all have bigger meanings, but some of them will.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: Religion based discrimination [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing tips!

Recently, I viewed a video clip on Yahoo! featuring Michelle Campbell, a referee who was discriminated against due to her sex. (You might want to say "gender" rather than sex, at least some of the time.)

situations like these are not heard about very often, but are occuring nearly every day.

Rather than allowing people to discriminate against others due to religious beliefs, everyone should be treated equally.

Many institutions, such as schools and workplaces, have a religious foundation.

There are many examples of this discussed in various books of the Bible. In Genesis, women are viewed as property of either their husbands or fathers. They are creatures who are useless until they can bear children;

he will seek a priest, who will decide whether she was truly faithful

For instance, St. Mary's Academy, a school near Topeka, Kansas, is owned and operated by the Society of St. Pius X

Therefore, Michelle Campbell was not allowed to officiate a boys' basketball game because the academy did not want her influence over the boys.

They feared that a woman referee would be a bad influence over the basketball players. - Did they really say that, or is this an assumption about their motives?

The official makes fair and equal calls. A good referee is unbiased and will spot violations instantly. Any good referee, regardless of sex, will make impartial calls

They can be anything, but just as along as they are fair and a good referee, that is all that matter right? - Delete this; avoid rhetorical questions.

take action to eliminate it wherever apparent.

Think about how many voices and ideas are smothered each day because of religion-based discrimination. - While this may be true, it is a point which is somewhat off-topic, or at least, tangential, to your letter.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A business letter/essay on the Duma (Tsar) [5]

Greetings!

A business letter has a different tone from that of a personal letter. A chatty sort of "Hi, how are you?" is really not appropriate for a business letter. You might want to start with something like this:

"Dear Sir:

I am writing to advise you of some recent events of importance to our country and its government. Tsar Nicholas II has finally bowed to pressure and reluctantly granted Russia a parliamentary government, of sorts. This was accomplished by the creation of the Duma, an "elected" assembly. I use that term somewhat ironically, as the Duma has used its new power to declare that supreme autocratic power in Russia rests with the Tsar; in fact, the Duma cannot even propose laws."

You can continue to add in the information which will provide the requested information. My letter, as you can see, is written by a person who is not altogether pleased with the power retained by the Tsar. You may wish to make your letter's author have a different attitude.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Discuss the accuracy of the historical setting... [2]

Greetings!

My understanding of the assignment would be that you are to look at the historical details the author provides and essentially test their accuracy by looking at research that has been done. For example, in the novel, a large banquet is held and the nobles are described as eating with knives and forks. You could search history books and scholarly journals to discover whether that is an accurate portrayal of utensil use. If the novel is set in the 4th century, your research would likely show that forks had not yet been invented; thus, the novel contains an historical anachronism.

Because you are discussing whether the setting is accurate or not, I would consider that "criticism." You are giving your opinion based on the supporting evidence.

I hope this clears it up a bit!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'PSECU credit unions' - people helping people essay [2]

Greetings!

I think perhaps the focus of your essay is too much on the credit union itself and not enough on the meaning behind the philosophy. There is an implication behind the question that they expect you to do good things with your education, once you have your degree. Focus on what kinds of things you can do as a construction manager to help other people. Habitat for Humanity would be one, along with other types of community involvement or non-profit service. In the profession itself, your skills will help to build communities and infrastructure, which contribute to a better society.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Need to find a topic, anything that affects me (maybe fashion or sports). [2]

Greetings!

It can be hard to pick a topic when the field is so wide open! "Fashion" and "sports" are very general terms. What about fashion interests you? Is there a current trend that interests you? You could write about its roots and which designers are embracing it. I'm guessing you're a Boson Celtics fan. ;-) What about a history of the team? Or an in-depth look at the life of your favorite player? You might want to start with just a list; make a list of any and every sub-topic you can think of under those two broad categories, then see what looks most interesting. Try a few internet searches to make sure you can find sources on that topic, then, start writing! :-)

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / What issue of local, national, or international significance concerns you? [2]

Greetings!

I think your writing is very good! I have some editing suggestions for you:

Childhood is a memorable but fragile time. ... of poverty, indifference and dishonesty.

naive ness - naiveté

Consequently, my heart hurts whenever I see ...
... more meaningful and filled with love.

Furthermore, I realize that economic stability is the basis ...
And I decided to devote ...
... developed country, the U.S. has ... and the most mature researching ...

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Compare and contrast of two poems: 'Death of a naturalist' / 'Out Out' [10]

You're welcome! (and mistakes are only human! :-))

Sarah

Undergraduate / 'A real connection with people' - Fine Arts admissions essay [3]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay! It is nearly perfect as it is. The one thing I might suggest is to remove the quotation marks around these two phrases: 'train hopping, departure lounge napping, breadcrumb eating, bathroom searching' and 'indecisive, neurotic, daydreaming, rambling' The quotation marks make one wonder "who said that? why is that in quotes?" Sometimes phrases like these, which are essentially adjective phrases, have forward slash marks dividing the words: train hopping/departure lounge napping/breadcrumb eating/etc. That is not strictly necessary, though.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com