Undergraduate / FSU Admission Essay (confidence and leadership) [4]

Greetings!

Your essay is a good one; you write better than you give yourself credit for. :) I have just a few suggestions.

You might want to re-think using "aggression" as one of your chief qualities. My dictionary says it means "the practice or habit of launching attacks" or "hostile or destructive behavior or actions." Consider words like "self-assuredness," "confidence," or "decisiveness" instead. Try using a thesaurus 'til you find a word that fits.

"how a person should conduct themselves" - "a person" is singular; "themselves" is plural. Say "himself" or "people should conduct themselves."

"some of the plethora of qualifications" is a little wordy and frankly, sounds like you just threw in a big word to impress; same with "prevalent," which isn't quite right there. Also, you mean "qualities" not "qualifications." Perhaps "one of my strongest qualities" would be better.

"this assumption has proven right everything" should be "this assumption has been proven right. Everything . . ."

Just a bit of polishing and your essay will be excellent!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / FSU Admission Essay (confidence and leadership) [4]

Greetings!

Yes, it is better -- it is very good! (You may have overlooked "aggression" in the last sentence; I like the way you replaced it with "confidence" above.)

Keep writing like this and you'll have to quit claiming you're not a good writer.

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Something Deeper - What am I looking for? Why am I here? Meaning of Life? [2]

Greetings!

This is an interesting topic! I'll point out a few things I noticed that you might consider correcting.

"complete the capacity of you brain " -- I imagine you mean "your."

"with verbal conjectures and mathematical theorems from 200 B.C., right? " -- Although I think I understand what you are getting at here, it is nonetheless a bit confusing. Also, saying "right?" is very informal. That may or may not be all right, depending on what your essay is for.

"30 day success" -- use a hyphen with compound adjectives: "30-day success" (although some sources will tell you to spell out numbers below ninety-nine).

"something so profound that no language can see or speak its wonders, is the answer to my question." This sentence is run-on and a bit confusing. Perhaps make it two sentences, the second being "That is the answer to my question."

"the all-too real possibility that there is no limits" -- add a hyphen and make your verb and subject agree: "the all-too-real possibility that there are no limits." This sentence is very long; by the end of it I feel lost. Even though I'm not quite sure what you are saying, I'm reasonably sure that's not a proper place for a colon.

It's definitely a thoughtful, introspective piece of writing and I think you have a very good start here!

Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / On the morning I've been waiting for all year! [2]

Greetings!

Technically a "run-on sentence" is actually two complete sentences with no punctuation dividing them. I don't see any sentences that I would define as "run-on" under that definition; however, I believe you are correct when you suggest some may be too long to comprehend. You seem to have more of them toward the end of your essay than the first. Perhaps you were rushing a little toward the end. I would suggest going through the entire essay and every time you find a sentence you think might be too long, assume that it is; cut it in two, or shorten it. Here is an example, probably the worst offender of the bunch:

"As soon as the hectic part of our vacation, unpacking the cars and stocking the cabin for the week, occasionally pausing to enjoy the familiar smell of fresh wood the cabin is made out of, is completed, we each go for the usual bike ride signifying the beginning of our week up the winding road we just traveled to the cabin on."

I think that one might even qualify as holding enough for three sentences! For instance:

"Unpacking the cars and stocking the cabin for the week is the hectic part of our vacation. As we unpack, we occasionally pause to enjoy the familiar fresh-wood smell of the cabin. After we're finished, we officially begin our week with the annual bike ride up the road we just traveled."

Notice I left out a few words that really weren't necessary. Trust your reader to understand the obvious, such as the road you just traveled being the one the cabin is on.

A few other corrections you might consider:

who rides in whose car with who > who rides in whose car with whom
chocolate covered bear > chocolate-colored bear
harms way > harm's way
gravely road > gravelly road
way to much bottled up energy > way too much bottled-up energy
shuffling tiredly out the bedroom > shuffling tiredly out of the bedroom

Your essay certainly paints a picture of a vacation anyone would be glad to take!

Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "One minute for yourself" book! [5]

Greetings!

When I need to know the nearest library that has the book I am looking for, I go to worldcat.org

This online catalog of library books allows you to put in the title of your book and your zip code to find the library nearest you which has the book you want. If you can't find it in a library that is conveniently close to you, you might have to settle for a different book that is more readily available in order to complete your assignment.

While you could translate from Vietnamese to English, if your instructor wants you to give quotes from the book, they may not come out very accurately. I'm afraid I don't have access to the book myself. Perhaps worldcat.org can help you find it.

Good luck, Ha!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

An expository essay is one where you explain a topic to your reader. You have knowledge about a particular topic and you write an essay about what you know to inform your reader. It sounds as if your teacher wants you to take a piece of writing that is not an expository essay, and re-write it to turn it into an expository essay.

There are several types of essays; you may have one or more of these types in your portfolio:
a literary essay examines a piece of literature; a persuasive essay presents an argument and defends one side, to convince the reader that side is right; a research essay compares the works of others on a topic and you may add your own conclusions or analysis to theirs; an informal essay has a relaxed, more personal style and subject.

If you have one of these types of essays in your portfolio, you can turn it into one which explains the subject to your reader to make it expository. Let's say you have a persuasive essay about the war in Iraq. You might re-write it to explain the conditions which led to the war, rather than taking a side on whether the war is right or wrong.

I hope this helps your understanding of the assignment. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Looking for help - graduate school admission personal statement MSW program [2]

Greetings!

Admissions essays can be a bit tricky because most people feel uncomfortable writing about themselves, especially when the point is to persuade someone how great you are! Always keep in mind your audience: the admssions committee that will be reading your essay. Think about what elements would be important to them and strike a balance between showing them the "real" you and giving them what they are looking for. That's not disingenuous, that's simply good politics.

If you'd like me to take a look at your essay after you've got a preliminary draft, I'd be happy to.

Yes, you're quite right. An academic essay is like a paper you would turn in as a class assignment, rather than an essay about yourself.

I would start by picking a subject that really interests you. Since you are applying to graduate school, a topic from your degree area is probably what the admissions people are looking for. Use the standard format of an introductory, or thesis, paragraph, then expand and explain your topic in the body of the text. Conclude with a paragraph that restates your thesis and sums up the points you have made. (These are just reminders; I'm sure you've written many papers in your academic career!)

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you get into the school of your choice!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Your instructor mentions four different "purposes" your essay might have. It seems to me that the easiest type to do would be "informative." No one knows more about you than you.

What would you like your readers to know about you? Where you were born? What life was like growing up in your household? Who your family members were and how you got along with them? Your goals in life and how you plan to accomplish them? Decide what things about yourself are most important to you to talk about. You have only a page to do it in so narrow it down to a few important things about yourself; don't try to tell your entire life story in one page. You might even want to make a short list for yourself before you start the actual essay writing, to give yourself some direction.

Give it a try and see what you come up with!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

You certainly have been working hard and have written a heart-felt essay! It would help if you could give me the definitions of those four sentence types that your instructor gave you so that I know exactly what he or she was looking for in your sentences. I can help you correct the grammar and spelling in some of your sentences in the meantime.

"It have been" > It has been
"I enjoy myself to feel" > I enjoy feeling
"My life itself had a lot of things I bother" > [this doesn't make sense -- do you mean "my life was difficult"?]

"week" > weak
"gave me the relax" > relaxed me (or, gave me relaxation)
"Feeling sad and lacking my dears made me cannot concentrate on my studying." > Feeling sad and being without my loved ones made it hard to concentrate on my studying.

". . . I dear the people there" > [dear is not a verb] I love the people there
"I planed to study" > I planned to study

There are other syntax errors and I'm afraid I can't address every single one of them for you. Some are things you will just have to learn as you get better with English sentence construction. Sometimes it's not grammar, but just a matter of using a word in a way a native speaker wouldn't -- for instance, we don't generally call our loved ones our "dears." You are working very hard, though, and will continue to improve with every assignment.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "military analogies" - UC Admissions Essay [4]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay. I don't see the need to change anything (except perhaps to put hyphens in two-pronged and award-winning). If you have any room, within your word limit, you could add one more short paragraph that's a little more personal in tone, if you like. The ending, as is, seems a bit abrupt. You might say something about what you look forward to in college and how it will affect your life -- just a suggestion. Other avenues would work just as well.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "military analogies" - UC Admissions Essay [4]

Greetings!

I might suggest that the first two sentences are a little repetitive -- you use "describe" twice. You might be able to combine them and save a few words.

It's a judgment call, but my opinion is that it works as it is. Having said that, if I'm really looking for opportunities within the essay to bring more of a personal feel, I'd consider re-writing this sentence: "I managed to not only strengthen my arsenal of political arguments, but more importantly, to forge a fortress of self confidence." You have just mentioned a glorious victory and a shameful defeat; if you wanted something "personal" you could inject just a bit of how that made you feel. But it's certainly not mandatory.

Hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Syntax refers to the rules about the way words and phrases are combined to form sentences. It is a part of the broader field of grammar, but for our purposes, just think of them as grammatical errors. For example, "to see the gradually new development of my city" uses an adverb, "gradually," to modify a noun, "development." You want to use "gradual," an adjective, instead.

Sometimes the sentence itself may be put together correctly, yet not say what you intended it to mean: "It has been three months since I was in Singapore." This sentence means that you have been away from Singapore for three months; you are no longer there. I think what you meant was, "I have been in Singapore for three months" or you could say, "It has been three months since I arrived in Singapore."

Your periodic sentence looks perfect. In your second sentence, "sunlight" does not require a hyphen. As far as I can tell, your serial sentence and balanced pairs look fine. Your cumulative sentence, however, appears to be run-on. I would cut out "both knowledge of my studying department and understandings of many new cultures," entirely. You might then want to say "because I love the people here" instead of "there." Then I think you will have a cumulative sentence.

It's exciting to see how much you improve every time you edit your essay. Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Cause and effect paper - getting over abuse [2]

Greetings!

You have written a good essay with a strong, personal perspective. I do have some minor corrections to suggest:

"had someone abuse you whether" > "had someone abuse you, whether"

"There are many different types of abuse, why is it that a lot of times people that get abused eventually get married to someone who is abusive?" > this is a run-on sentence composed of two completely different thoughts. If you say there are many types of abuse, you need to then go on and list what they are.

"So what causes" > "What causes"
"abuse that I went thru." > "abuse that I went through."
" no body" > "nobody"
"He threatened to kill me; throw me off our upstairs banister, or to throw me out my window." > either use two semi-colons or two commas, not one of each. If you put "to" before "throw" one time, do it both times -- think balance.

"I was eleven and until" > "I was eleven until"
"was going to do, so he was always" > was going to do. He was always
You don't need to start sentences with "Also . . ."
"I played on the internet a lot, because, I could be myself and not have to worry about whether the person liked me or not since it was just on the internet." > I played on the internet a lot because I could be myself and not have to worry about whether the person liked me."

"at that point of time" > "at that point in time"
"It also took a long time before me and my brother started talking again, in fact we just recently began talking a lot 6 years after the incident. > "It also took a long time before my brother and I started talking again. In fact we just recently began talking a lot, six years after the incident." ["The" incident? Wasn't it a series of incidents over a long time?]

"Just by being around people will help, even if you don't want to talk to them, just don't seclude yourself from every person, because then you will start to feel lonely and that you don't have any self worth." > "Just by being around people will help; even if you don't want to talk to them, don't seclude yourself from every person. That will make you feel lonely and diminish your self-worth."

"not worth it, just be yourself" > "not worth it; just be yourself"
"your pretending to be something your not." > "you're pretending to be something you're not."
"for whom you are > "for who you are"
"their self" > "themselves"

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'As America closes its eyes' - Grey Decay by The Sacrosanct College Essay [2]

Greetings!

You make some good points here. The subject matter is one which can engender some strong emotions. This can create a tendency towards what I call "overselling" -- going a bit over the top. I like the way you start out with the reference to Mr. Conti; by the time you reach the end, though, it sounds more like a rant than an essay. Sometimes less can be more. Having said that, it can also depend on what your essay is meant to accomplish; different uses can require different tones.

Just a few editing suggestions:

me and Mr. Conti > Mr. Conti and I
true thinker fell like the dragonfly > feel, I think you must mean
determinate > I'm not sure what you mean here; perhaps "undermine"?
it's safety blanket > its

I hope this was helpful to you.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Did Somebody Say Genocide?; response/summary essay [2]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent, informative essay which does a good job of explaining the complex factors involved in the Darfur situation. I just have a couple of suggestions.

I was surprised when, halfway through the essay, the focus turned from the Darfur Crisis itself to Prunier's article about it. Other than "(A Response)" in the title there was no indication in the first half that this essay was meant to be a critique of an article. I'd suggest mentioning Prunier much earlier, and also stress the importance of the distinction (or perceived distinction) between genocidal and non-genocidal actions earlier on. Perhaps starting off with a quote from Prunier and a one- or two-sentence summary of the article before launching into the history of the conflict would help make this clear.

A few of your sentences, while not technically "run-on" sentences, might benefit from being divided into two; most notably, the third sentence in the essay. You also start two sentences in a row with "Though." Other than that, I see nothing that requires changing. Your writing is clear, concise and interesting to read.

Good job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Learning To Fly by Victoria Beckam; New way of writing [5]

Greetings!

You're right, it's not a typical book review, but I like your casual, slightly sardonic style. I feel, after reading it, that I know more about the author than I do about her book; if you intended that result, then I'd say your piece has achieved its goal. After all, it is an autobiography.

One thing I find myself saying a lot, when I give input on others' writing, is to remember your target audience. Since you're in the UK, it's probably not necessary to explain who Victoria Beckham is, especially if your readers will tend to be under 40. I, on the other hand, am neither, and had to look her up. ("Oh! Posh Spice!") Just something to keep in mind, depending on the use to which your review will be put.

A couple of technical things I noted:

"This was published in 2001 followed by a publication in 2002." This is a little confusing; do you mean the same book was reprinted? That the first run was so successful they did another?

"notwithstanding" is one word.

"Suprise, suprise" - did you mean "surprise" or were you affecting a southern U.S. accent, a la Gomer Pyle? (If you have to ask "who?" then it's probably the former.)

When hyphenating words like "quick-fire" don't leave spaces in between.

"bimbo girl band who incidentally wrote their own songs" -- did they write their songs incidentally? Or did you mean "who, incidentally, wrote their own songs . . ."?

I enjoyed reading your review and hope this input was helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Graduate Studies - Disability Studies [2]

Greetings!

From a quick internet search, it appears there aren't a lot of doctoral programs in disability studies to choose from. The PhD Program in Disability Studies at University of Illinois at Chicago claims the distinction of being the first PhD in the United States dedicated to the field of disability studies and one of only a few such programs in the world. Syracuse University in New York also offers such a program. I can't vouch for how "good" they are, but it would be a place to start.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / SPUTNIK! (Essay Perspective) [5]

Greetings!

It's important to understand the cultural context in which the Sputnik launch took place. The cold war between the U.S. and Soviet Union was in full swing; we were only three years past the rabidly anti-communist McCarthy hearings/witchhunt. It was a very big deal to the U.S. government and probably to most Americans that the communists had beaten us in the first major event of the space race. The fear that Soviet supremacy in space could somehow lead to Communism overpowering our country and destroying our way of life was not considered far-fetched.

On the other hand, the press was not nearly so "free" in that pre-Watergate era as it is now. It might be worth exploring the role of the press at that time and whether focusing a spotlight on the fear so many felt would have been considered "un-American" or detrimental to our country. Remember, this was only a dozen years after the presidency of FDR, who was never photographed struggling to stand or being wheeled around in his chair, and whose disability was never discussed in the press out of "respect."

And one more thought: later accounts which were written after the U.S. landed a man on the moon didn't have to downplay what happened in 1957 -- we had "won" and could afford to shine a light on the fear Sputnik engendered, knowing there was a happy ending.

I hope this gives you some ideas to work with!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayFoum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Even though B- is not what most people would consider a bad grade, you worked very hard on your essay and I can understand why you would have liked an A. You are still learning how to properly express things in English; the more you work at it, the better you will get. While I will give you as much guidance as I can, there is a limit to how much editing I can do for you without actually re-writing your paper for you. But I certainly don't "mind" helping you -- that's what I'm here for!

I'm not entirely sure I understand your question about the expressive essay. When it comes to really understanding what it is that your instructor wants you to do, the instructor is the best source of information. I'd hate to tell you to do it one way, when she really meant something else. If at all possible, talk to her about it, ask her as many questions as you need to, and then once you understand what it is she wants, I will be happy to help you.

Remember, too, that expecting perfection is asking a lot of yourself. If you work hard and do the very best you can do, you can be proud of your accomplishment!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

I'm not clear on whether you are required to write on the topic "this is me" or whether you can pick another topic. But let's assume for the moment that you are writing (or re-writing) the "this is me" essay. What if you talk less about Singapore and the world around you and write just about the inner you? What would you say?

Before actually writing the essay, try writing short sentences that describe you. Start with "I am ... " For instance, "I am sensitive." "I am eager to learn." You might also try sentences that start with "I like ... " This is just to get you thinking about yourself, the things that make you -- you!

You have some of that already in your essay. "I am a sensitive girl but not a weak one." You could go on from there to give examples of what types of things you are sensitive to, and in what ways you are strong. "Happiness is something simple to me" you say. You could perhaps expand on that some more.

I hope these ideas will be helpful!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Learning To Fly by Victoria Beckam; New way of writing [5]

Greetings!

I'm a professional academic researcher and editor and a co-author/editor of this website, which is how I came to be on the forum. This is an American website, although we do get questions from students who are in other countries.

Thanks for visiting!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Grad school admission - essay writing ideas? [3]

Greetings!

Check out our "Free Essays and Articles" section. There you'll find an essay entitled: "Graduate Admission Essays: How to Beat the Odds" which gives specific information on what your essay should include.

If you'd like some input on your essay once you've written it, I'd be glad to assist!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Your essay certainly conveys your love of aviation and flying. In fact, the first paragraph is dedicated almost entirely to how planes, flying and all things aviation make you feel. I think your essay might benefit from spending a bit more time on the academic aspects of aviation -- perhaps some of the courses you are interested in taking and how your high school courses prepared you for them -- and less on the emotional aspects. As with all essays, start with a topic sentence that summarizes the purpose of your essay, for example: "After researching a variety of schools which have programs in my area of academic interest, aviation, I believe that BSC is the one which can best help me reach my goal of becoming a pilot."

While imagery is certainly important in some types of essays, I'm not sure I agree that a college admission essay is one where you need a lot of it. The insight your essay should provide is insight into why you are qualified to be admitted to BSC.

You say,"Bridgewater has an amazing aviation program that I am completely interested in studying." Being more specific about what this school has that makes it good and why you think this school will help you accomplish your specific career goals would show that you have done your homework about the school. You might also consider using somewhat more mature-sounding adjectives: "Bridgewater has a well-respected aviation program that is a perfect fit for my areas of interest and the goals I wish to achieve."

In short, I think you have a great start here, but I'd recommend re-working the first paragraph and continue tweaking the rest of it until it tells BSC exactly what they are looking for.

Hope you find this helpful!

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Yes, I think your organizational ideas will work very well! I'd be happy to have a look when you're finished.

Poetry / American Poetry question [2]

Greetings!

When American poets are mentioned, a few standouts immediately spring to mind: Theodore
Roethke, Edna St Vincent Millay, Edgar Allan Poe, Sylvia Plath, Emma Lazarus, Walt Whitman, Maya Angelou, Edith Wharton, William Carlos Williams, Carl Sandburg, Emily Dickinson -- it depends which era you are referencing, but there are many American poets to choose from.

The Museum of American Poetics might be a good place to start if you are interested in American poets. Also the Academy of American Poets at poets.org.

Best wishes in your poetry writing endeavors!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Greetings!

Yes, I like your new opening! I think you have greatly improved the essay from the original draft. And yes, you are welcome to use any wordings I suggest to you. I have a few more suggestions, mainly to do with punctuation.

Most of the time when you use a semicolon, you really need a colon, because the phrase that follows explains or elaborates on the first part of the sentence.

"flying appeals to my senses: the pressure sensation ... "
" meteorology and flight physics: weather patterns at flight levels interest me."

This sentence is a little more of a judgment call, but I think an em-dash is the best choice, rather than a colon:
"located about an hour away-- in Bridgewater Massachusetts!"

This paragraph has its own subject, reading, so I'd make it a separate paragraph. I'd also change "affluence of details are ..." which sounds a bit awkward. I made a couple of other minor changes as well:

"In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. The richness of detail is difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading more enjoyable for me and made English class one of my academic interests."

Then start a new paragraph when you go back to aviation. Your last paragraph could be worded a little more gracefully. I would suggest something like:

"I strongly believe that when I graduate from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people in the same industry. The aviation training program BSC provides is exactly what I need to prepare myself for the career I have chosen. I feel quite sure that Bridgewater State College is the best choice for successful fulfillment of my goals in the commercial aviation industry."

I'd say you're well on your way to a great career!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What is the career that most appeals to you? [4]

Greetings!

You have a good start on your essay. I especially like the way your conclusion summarizes the major points you made.

There are, however, some sentence fragments and run-on sentences, and a few other things I'd suggest changing.

"Such as the goodness, equality, freedom, truth, and justice principles which are deserved by everyone in treatment." This is a sentence fragment. Also, "everyone in treatment" sounds as if you're saying these things are deserved by people who are undergoing treatment for something. What about saying, "Everyone deserves equality, freedom," etc.?

"Firstly, I had heard stories from my mother of how my family back home, mainly my aunts and uncles, that are all high ranked cops or in the military." Another fragment, and I think everywhere you use "firstly" and "secondly" you should eliminate it.

"I really wanted to have all these qualities, who wouldn't?" That should be a semicolon instead of a comma, but you could probably find a better way to put it: "These are all qualities I admire and aspire to achieve."

"I believed that all people need goals in life, it is a social need." Another semicolon needed instead of comma. Is having goals more of a social or a personal need? Just a thought.

I find your first paragraph confusing. You say that you did not decide on a career early in life, yet most people would consider the end of high school "early in life." It sounds as if you are contradicting yourself; considering re-wording the first few sentences.

I hope you found this input helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'The cynic is one' - UA Essay [5]

Greetings!

I have to say, your writing is utterly enjoyable to read! I think BOTH your essays show you to be a candidate any college would be lucky to recruit!

I think your changes to the more "controversial" essay were perfect: you managed to keep the spark while toning down that which might have offended or irked. Excellent job of "murdering your darlings"!

The only possible change I might suggest is to the ending of the one about Pat and her garden. It was slightly anti-climactic. The imagery throughout was wonderful, and I chuckled aloud at the results of your dad's "imitation." But it seemed as if you were building up to something -- say, that Pat had added something strange and unusual -- and I felt just a little let down not to know what it was.

I am not familiar with the specific requirements of the Common Application, so I can't tell you how well I feel it fulfills them. The more controversial essay actually gives me more insight into who you are -- but if good writing is the key, I'd say you have that more than covered with either option!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Suggesting a few ideas about Qualities of a good speech [11]

Greetings!

You have listed some very important qualities of a good speech. I will add a few more:

It has emotional impact: your audience feels something as a result of your words, whether excitement, joy, a twinge of sadness -- if you are inciting an emotion in someone you are connecting with that person.

It is memorable: people will remember what you said if you say it through an anecdote or personal story. Repetition can also be used, albeit judiciously. Different examples to make the same point or arrive at the same conclusion will support your position, provided you don't seem to be just repeating yourself.

It begins with an opening that grabs the audience's attention and ends with a powerful, memorable conclusion.

Thanks for your ideas!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / What is the career that most appeals to you? [4]

Greetings!

Please don't feel you have wasted my time in any way -- this is what I'm here for! In fact, if everyone wrote essays which never contained any errors, I'd be pretty useless here! :-)

I'll address your points in order:

1. I don't feel that transitional words are necessary for coherence most of the time, particularly within a paragraph (as opposed to transitioning between paragraphs). If one sentence logically follows the next, it will be coherent. For instance, you say "My friends and family were an enormous impact" and in the next sentence you demonstrate how by telling us about your mother's stories of family members. However, it's true that the next two examples you give might benefit from transitional words. I feel that "First of all," "Second," and "Finally," sound better than "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Lastly," though I suppose reasonable minds might differ. I do think, though, that in the following paragraph, you could leave out the transitional words and be just fine.

2. By all means, if that's what you learned in ethics class, stick with "social need." You're right, it's definitely subjective.

3. Yes, I like your change. :-)

4. I think that sentence is a little narrow for your thesis statement. When you say "therefore," it sounds like the fact that there "will be many future job openings in this career" is the sole reason for your choosing it. Perhaps if you broadened your thesis statement a bit: "I chose a career in law and security administration because it holds many future job opportunities which will allow me to help my local community while receiving personal and financial rewards."

Remember that writing is a skill and like any other skill, you get better with practice. I doubt that Sebastian Janikowski kicked a fifty-yard field goal the first time he put toe to pigskin! :-)) You're doing fine. Keep at it and you'll get even better!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

Greetings, Nick!

I'm glad I could be helpful. As to your question: it depends what type of citation you are supposed to use. If it's MLA, the MLA Handbook specifies that you list your name, instructor's name, course number and date at the left-hand margin at the top of the first page, each on a separate line, double-spaced between each line.

That is, if you don't use a separate title page. The title page has the title on line 20, centered; student name, instructor's name, course and date are single spaced, right-justified, one below the other, beginning on line 40.

If you are supposed to use another format, let me know and I'll try to give you information on that.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / AVIATION ; ACADEMIC INTEREST & CAREER GOALS; BSC [9]

If they don't specify a particular format, I wouldn't worry about it. And yes, as far as abbreviating the college name, I'd probably write it out the first time you use it, then abbreviate subsequent uses -- although it might be nice to spell it out again at the very end, as a sort of summing up. That's not mandatory, just an option.

Good luck with your application!

Essays / Need help with AP European History [3]

Greetings!

It's always helpful when tackling an assignment like this to first make sure you have defined what it is you are researching. Something as general as "a social issue" is harder to research than a more specific topic.

What IS a "social issue," anyway? The most on-point definition I found (in the Free Online Dictionary) was "Of, relating to, or occupied with matters affecting human welfare: social programs." All right -- what affects human welfare? Health is the first thing that came to my mind. European countries, unlike the U.S., have universal health care systems. How did this happen? That's a paper topic.

Let's try another. The economy affects human welfare. There have certainly been major economic changes in Russia and Germany since WWII; private ownership of property? inflation? taxes? All issues that could be explored.

Or take the "social programs" aspect of our definition. Did Russia have a "welfare program" (as we know the term) when it was a part of the U.S.S.R.? Did any Soviet countries? I have no idea, but I expect someone has written on that topic.

If you still have trouble finding what you want, try picking a few of those scholarly journals and cruising their table of contents. That should yield a few ideas.

I hope this has been helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Religion is Great? OR it isn't ?; Satirical essay [2]

Greetings!

You have a great start here on a satirical essay! You have some good lines (jokes) in your essay.

An important concept of satire is that the humorous point is often made by saying the opposite of what you really mean. For instance, when you say that the great thing about religion is that "the decisions on how to live your life have already been made" you are impliedly saying that religion keeps you from thinking for yourself. If that is the point you intend to make, then you have made your point, satirically. If, say, you wanted to make the opposite point -- that religion helps keep people from making bad decisions -- you might say something like, "Since I dropped religion and started thinking for myself, I have a lot more freedom; I was discussing that with my cell mate here at my new home just last night ..."

Another way to express satire is to connect two things that don't belong together, such as when you say you have to get to church in the morning "after a long night of heavy drinking at the club." This contrast demonstrates how much going to church helps -- religion isn't interfering at all with your partying.

A few technical notations about your writing:

"Basically it usually takes place in a church and a priest gives me a free bath, but you should only go when you are really dirty. After this takes place I am ready to be a Christian." -- Switching back and forth between second and first person (you/I) is confusing; stick with one.

In your paragraph about Mad Cow Disease, you are mixing pork with beef: bacon, spare ribs, ham, sausages and pork chops come from pigs (I haven't heard of pigs getting Mad Cow); rib roast is a cut of beef and steaks are generally, too, unless specified as pork steaks.

I don't really feel that the questions you ask at the end add to the satire. If your satirical writing does its job, you shouldn't need to draw attention to the fact that it's satire by asking your readers if they think you are mocking religion.

I hope these comments are helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Letter to the Editor ; "Tamiami Trail Scenic Highway" [2]

Greetings!

While I'd agree that science writing has its own style (as do other fields, such as law), you've done an excellent job of stating your position in this letter. The only corrections I would make are to minor punctuation errors:

lands adjacent to the trail". -- should be trail." Periods and and commas always go inside the quotation mark in American English.

"deny residents opportunities for cultural enhancement -- specifically the planned restoration of Monroe Station -- and kill plans ..." You need to set your Monroe Station remark apart with either commas or, as I prefer here, em dashes. (This font doesn't really do em dashes, so I had to use two hyphens.)

I think your PR work is in good hands!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How to Revising a Story into an Expository Essay? [4]

Greetings!

First, let me say how much I enjoyed reading your initial story! And I think you have done a marvelous job of turning it into an expository essay. To answer your questions:

1) I found the flashback very powerful and well-written, especially the use of short, clipped sentences for impact. But no -- it did not register with me that the flashback occurred many years ago; only after I went back and re-read your question did I understand what you were saying. I think you could fix that easily, though, with one sentence in the third paragraph when you talk about how Ah Keong's symptoms started right away; perhaps after "scanning tree tops for camouflaged snipers. " You could add something like, "The flashback at his daughter's school was one of many such incidents."

2) Although you had to add a lot of material, I think this is probably the only way you could have turned a story like that into this type of essay. I can't speak for your instructor, but if I were grading your assignment, I'd think you did a marvelous job of it.

3) and 4) - I'll suggest changes that will help with tenses (and some punctuation) and also with making the last paragraph more powerful:

"veterans like Ah Keong struggle with psychological injuries"

"Even though it has been sixty years since an armistice was signed"

"drug abuse"

"within weeks of his returning home"

"dramatic; he "

"deep inside of him: one was of the few blackened remains"

"the horrors and traumas of war [I'd pick one, not both horrors and traumas]; this experience would burrow "

"a Japanese mortar"

"The explosion, [b]however[b],"

"Deprived of the most basic human needs -- food, water, shelter, sanitation, and medical care -- how Ah Keong managed to survive captivity and preserve his sanity was a mystery to him.

"This is the tragedy of war: some combatants pay with their lives, others suffer long-term psychological trauma. World War II interrupted"

"those ills. Today, Ah Keong"

"the war exacted"

Sometimes, just chaniging a verb tense slightly, as in the last example, can make your writing stronger, as does removing qualifying statements like "For the most part."

I think you've done some excellent work here and I hope your instructor agrees!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How to Revising a Story into an Expository Essay? [4]

Greetings!

These are some very good questions. I've never heard of an "implicit thesis statement." While that doesn't mean one can't exist, it does seem to me to defeat the purpose of a thesis statement, which is to provide a concise and specific statement of the argument you intend to make or the question you intend to address. A strong thesis usually presents a position or assertion that can be argued, rather than just relaying a set of facts.

You could combine the first two sentences of your second paragraph:

"Thousands of World War II veterans, like Ah Keong, struggle with the psychological injuries of post-traumatic stress that are triggered by everyday sights and sounds." - This statement relays facts, but to express a "clear purpose" that takes a position, you might say, "Thousands of World War II veterans, like Ah Keong, struggle with post-traumatic stress that may eventually lead to alcohol, drug abuse, or even suicide."

You have then taken a stronger position, and the instances from Ah Keong's life that you relate will bolster this argument.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Expository Essay question - choosing and re-writing my essay? [16]

Greetings!

Yes, I am very impressed with your progress indeed! You have vastly improved the grammar, punctuation, and content of your essay, and it seems to me that it fulfills the requirements of the assignment very well.

Every language has its own particular quirks. You may write a sentence which should be correct, grammatically, but which is not quite worded the way a native English speaker would do it. I will point out the few remaining instances of this in your essay; these are, for the most part, just "turns of phrase" that you just have to speak English for some time to learn.

And speaking of "some time" ... in your first sentence, you want to make it two words, as I did, above. The two-word form of "some time" means "an unspecified interval or period of time." You could even leave out the adjective "some" and just say, "spend time." If you say, "I'm going to do that sometime," meaning, "eventually," or "at some indefinite time in the future," it's one word. Confusing, yes? :-))

"Now when being a foreign student " -- better as "Now, as a foreign student ..."

"I feel relaxed after the hard-working at school." -- if you say "the hard-working" you need a noun for it to modify: "the hard-working day at school." However, it would sound more natural to say "after working hard at school all day."

"to come over the difficulties " -- never used in English; say "to overcome the difficulties."

"Now I have not felt as strange as the first." -- "Now I do not feel as strange as I did at first."

"I often told my friends about Vietnam, especially Hanoi, when I have free time." -- you have both past and present tense in this sentence. Say, "I often tell ..."

"I still love it much." -- for some reason, we never use "much" alone in that context. We always say "very much" or you could say "I still love it a lot."

"visit their countries on one day. " -- leave out the "on."

"my loved once" -- should be "my loved ones."

"The thought of me going back" -- leave out "me."

"I am then, prepared to face any challenges that lie ahead." -- if you mean you are presently prepared, that is right now, simply put a comma after "am." If you mean that when you get back to Viet Nam in the future you will be prepared to face challenges say, "I will then be prepared."

You've worked extremely hard and it shows in how much you've improved. Great job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Starting my euthanasia research paper and my topic? [5]

Greetings!

The Jonestown events would certainly make an interesting study from a structural functionalist standpoint, examining how the insular "society" of Jonestown separated itself from mainstream society, maintained internal stability and survived over time until suddenly self-destructing. It would be something of a stretch, though, to tie that in to euthanasia. Would you be describing Jim Jones' actions as a form of "mercy" killing (from his perspective, of course)? Or did you have another approach in mind?

It's an interesting idea, but you might want to run it by your instructor before committing too much time to it.

Let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I bought a book about essay writing and it is a real god-send. Essay Introductions? [2]

Greetings!

You have asked a good question! The answer is not one which is written in stone; it can vary, depending on the type of essay, the complexity of the topic and your instructor's preferences. When in doubt, ask! However, keep in mind that, depending on font size and margins, one page will be comprised of approximately 275-300 words. Therefore, a 500-600 word introduction will be about 2 pages long. This is a probably a reasonable length for your essay , unless your topic is very broad and complex.

You want your introduction to be long enough to introduce the topic and the focus your essay will be taking, but not so long that your readers lose interest before they've really begun!

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com