Undergraduate / SELF-COMPELLED to do the best ; UC -Advantage of the educational opportunities [2]

Greetings!

You are off to a fine start! I only have a few minor suggestions.

Line by line:

"Throughout my entire life I have felt self-compelled to do the best I can in all circumstances." I hate to say it, since you're trying to get up to 200 words, but "self-" needs to go. We'll find a place to stick more words in.

"That is why I enjoy participating in all of the rigorous AP classes and taking all of the AP tests our school has to offer-I have passed every one so far while enjoying the rigid and vast learning experience throughout my high school career."

This sentence needs just a little tweaking. First, use a long dash instead of the short one; it looks like a hypenated word. Or you could put a semi-colon there instead. Next, I think "rigid" carries a negative connotation about your feelings toward school. My first thought was to replace it with "challenging," but you've already used that word. How about "stimulating" or "demanding" (which implies that a lot was asked of you, but you rose to the challenge). Finally, the end of the sentence looks like padding. The reader already knows you're talking about your high school career. Also, "experience" needs to be plural, since it refers to AP classes and tests. Maybe you could say something like, ". . . and vast learning experiences they offered."

"For the last several years, I have taken to business administration."

Did you mean to say "I have taken business administration" or "I have taken a liking to business administration"? "Taken to" is a little colloquial for this kind of essay.

Now, for those extra words: How about saying something along the lines of how you have tried to take advantage of every opportunity offered in high school, and you intend to do the same in your university career? Admissions folk always like to hear how hard you're going to work.

You've done a great job of stating your case, in my opinion. I hope these suggestions help. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Philosophy, Robotics, and Economi NCSSM ; COMMUNITY -Academic&Residential Experience [3]

Greetings, Kalyan!

You have written an EXCELLENT essay! It's true that it's longer than many admissions essays I have seen, but the content justifies the length. The introduction and conclusion do just exactly what they're supposed to do: state your thesis, and then sum it up. I found the content very interesting, and the way you related your feelings about the upanayanam to the hopes you have for NCSSM is quite affecting and genuine. I have only a few things to suggest that might make it even better:

"I felt impressed with the level of music they were playing and wanted to be a part of that program."

"I was impressed by the level . . . " is a little more idiomatically correct.

"I find that playing my instrument is very rewarding and I certainly want to take part in many ensembles if I attend."

How about "when I attend"? If I were a recruiter, I'd love that kind of positive attitude!

"At the Hospital, I worked it Central Transport to escort patients home and around the hospital."

The first mention of the hospital doesn't need to be capitalized, since you're not calling it by name.

That's really all I can think of. I think NCSSM will be luck to have you!

Best wishes for all your endeavors,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Thesis idea for my 5-7 pages long research paper (Harry Potter or J.K. Rowling?) [7]

Greetings!

Marlene is giving you excellent advice! All her points are valid and useful--especially the advice about getting started NOW and asking help from librarians. I have worked in a library and helped many patrons, and I can testify to what Marlene says: they WANT to help!

Of course, the first step is deciding on your topic. Marlene's right on track there, too. Dig around a little through sources, including the Internet, and see what's out there. I personally can remember reading several magazine articles about J.K. Rowling over the years, so I know there's material available concerning her personal life and why she invented Harry Potter. There has also been some controversy about the occult nature of her books; some fundamentalist groups objected and went so far as to say her work was inspired by the devil. Now THERE's an interesting topic!

I would use caution if you choose to write about the content of the books. You want to do more than just summarize plots and describe characters. If you have another book or series of books that you like a lot, you might do a compare-and-contrast kind of thing--what do the books have in common, what's different, what points did each author try to make, etc.

It sounds like you would do well with Harry Potter/Rowling because you enjoy them so much. That's a real asset when you have to get down to the nitty-gritty and analyze something. Just get to that library or get on that computer and see what's out there. I'm sure inspiration will strike! And be sure to let us know how you do!

Good luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Great things don't come easy; UC Admission [6]

Greetings, Simon!

I'd be happy to take a look at your essay. We'll see what we can do to proof those little mistakes we all make and to make the idioms flow smoothly. Line by line:

"Great Opportunities are some things that don't come very often."

A couple of things here. You don't need to capitalize "Opportunities," and the word "some" is unnecessary.

"When I was growing up in Oakland, California, with my younger brother only to support me in school, my life was hellish."

It should be "only my younger brother to support me . . . "

"Burglaries, rape, and murder were common things in my neighborhood with 3 murders coming around a 3 block radius of where I lived."

Put a comma after "neighborhood," and spell out "three." Change "coming around" to "occurring in."

"All I could think of during that violent period was to get out as soon as possible as I feared extremely for the well-being of my life and my family."

This would sound better if you changed the order of the sentence; maybe something like, "I felt extreme fear for my family and myself, and all I could think of was to get out as soon as possible." You don't really need to state that it was a violent period, since you've already made that point.

"After seeing a group of men fleeing away from my house, which I later found out that it had been burglarized, I knew I had to get into college at all costs and someday stabilize my neighborhood."

Take out "that it." I would also add "return to" between "someday" and "stabilize."

"Living with fear in my neighborhood was an unfortunate circumstance and with my parents low salary it was impossible to gain a college education."

Insert a comma after "circumstance," and put an apostrophe after parents, since it's a possessive.

"College was my opportunity of a one-way ticket out of my bad neighborhood."

Change "opportunity of" to "opportunity for." Also, I'd eliminate "one-way," since you've indicated that you want to come back some day to make reforms (which is a truly inspiring idea, by the way!)

"My mother and father worked low-paying jobs only to support me into going to school."

Take out "only" and change "into going to" to "through."

"During the communist era in China, my mother and father were lucky enough to attend school."

Take out "enough."

"My mother was lucky enough to go through a few more grades then my father."

Change "then" to "than."

"I had trouble in math and English in high-school because neither of my parents was well educated in the fields of math and English."

"Well-educated" needs a hyphen. Change "in the fields of math and English" to "those fields."

"My parents still have limited English since they have been here for about 20 years."

Insert a comma after "English," and change "since" to "even though."

"She told me stories about how $1 could buy a week full of groceries because she didn't make much when she first immigrated."

I think what you're trying to say here is that your mother only had one dollar a week to spend on groceries. Be sure to spell out "one dollar."

"It became apparent that my parents didn't know how to do math when I showed them my 3rd grade homework which included multiplication and division problems."

You need a comma after "homework."

"Every night, I would go over the materials that were learned the next day in order to learn what the teacher was lecturing about."

Replace "were learned" with "for."

"Being accepted to a University of California will be one of the many great accomplishments I will ever fulfill."

It might be better to end this sentence with ". . . accomplishments I hope to achieve."

And the rest is fine--except you need a final period on the last sentence.

It sounds like you have great ambitions, and I wish you the best. You have obviously put a lot of thought into your essay, and your English is really very good. I hope my suggestions for some small changes will help you express yourself in "just right" idiomatic English.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Psychology; Intended major/ Interest in the field/ Experience [5]

Hello again, Simon!

Sorry to take so long to get to this--we've been extremely busy! I hope you'll get this post by morning.

OK, here we go:

"Being an incoming junior, I have to choose diligently as the major I select will have a big impact on my life."

Change "Being" to "As" and put a comma after "diligently."

"Psychology is the major I intend to major in because my interest in this field grew due to my life experiences and my employment."

Change the first "major" to "subject" and end the sentence after "major in." Start the next sentence with "My interest in this field . . . " End the paragraph with this sentence.

"One day on a break from working, I saw a drunk who came into my store and started yelling."

How about this: "One day while I was taking a break, a drunk came into my store and started yelling."

"I realized he must have had a mental disorder and I never saw him again."

Put a comma after "disorder" and change "and" to "although."

"This incident persuaded me that our society needed to be treated for disorders."

You might want to change this to "many in our society need to be . . . ", since not everyone needs treatment. :-)

"When I entered the doors of my psychology class at Merritt College, Mr. Slaughter, psychology teacher, greeted me and welcomed me into his class."

Insert "my" before "psychology teacher."

"I began to get interested into subjects such as phobias and disorders."

Change "into" to "to" and add "other" before "disorders."

"A disorder that made me admire psychology was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a disorder that was common in war veterans."

It might be better to say "A condition that I found interesting was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder that is common in war veterans."

"Psychology has influenced me to be more accepting of mental patients and I hope to major in this field."

Do you "hope" to major in it, or "plan" to?

Another good essay, Simon. Best of luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Psychology; Intended major/ Interest in the field/ Experience [5]

You're welcome, Simon! You have every reason to be confident.

Sarah

Undergraduate / Great things don't come easy; UC Admission [6]

You're welcome! I'm relieved that you got it in time. Good luck with the psychology classes. I find it a fascinating subject, too.

Sarah

Undergraduate / World Affairs Challenge; UC -'A difficult academic endeavor' [5]

Greetings!

You've written an interesting, involving essay that provides insight into your character, achievements and goals. Well done! It seems to be long enough; it makes your point very well as it is, so unless it's short of the word count requirements, I'd leave it alone.

I'll be happy to proof it for you. Some of what I find may just be typos, so bear with me!

"...announced my teacher gleefully to a class of 30 blank faces."

Spell out "thirty."

"This years issue is global energy."

Needs a comma in "years" for the possessive form.

"We learned about Brazil's depleting Amazon and it's essential "carbon sink," India's rolling blackouts, and the worlds melting ice caps."

This could be improved by adding "the" between "depleting" and "Amazon" and specifying whether you're referring to the Amazon rain forest, the Amazon basin, the Amazon river--whichever. "Amazon" by itself is a little general. Also, "worlds" needs an apostrophe.

"Finally, with our costumes on, lines memorized, and knees shaking, we ready."

Oops--left out "were" between "we" and "ready."

"And amidst pattings on the back, appreciative feet stomping, cameras flashing, (I'm not joking) and the continuing screams of our fellow Mercy girls, the six of us stumbled onto stage and were handed the first place prize--- a Nuevo Latino CD. Weird right? But, we were ecstatic nonetheless."

"(I'm not joking)" is probably unnecessary. We know you're serious! Ditto "Weird right?" Nothing weird about it; it would be weird if you weren't excited. Maybe you could change the last sentence to "We were ecstatic."

"My academic achievements do not reveal that when I now come across an unknown word, whether it be in Othello or in a Newsweek article, I look it up."

"Othello" and "Newsweek" should be italicized, since they are titles of complete literary works. I realize you may have done this in the original and it just doesn't show in this format. Ditto all the subsequent referrals to magazines and TV shows.

That's it! An excellent essay--you should be proud! It sounds like any university would be lucky to have you.

Best wishes!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'eagle project' - contribution or personal quality.. [3]

Greetings!

This an excellent essay! It clearly outlines the qualities you intend to bring to the university and says a lot positive things about your character. The remarks by v8m9t are right on target, and I echo them.

Now I'll list the things you might want to look at, proofing-wise:

"Working on my Eagle Scout project was the toughest challenge I faced in scouts."

I think "Scouts" should be capitalized, since it refers specifially to the program. This holds true throughout the essay.

"I quickly made new friends in other scouts who had joined at a different time than me. I quickly learned how to work together with others through interacting with my peers, and through that partnership I found that hard work makes projects much easier and faster."

"Me" in the first sentence should be "I." You could add say ". . . than I did" instead. Also, you might want to take out the second "quickly." The sentence doesn't need it.

"The main point of an eagle project is to let the eagle candidate learn how to be an effective leader on his own."

"Eagle" should be capitalized; again, it refers to a specific program.

"After leading my group for two years, joined the Senior Patrol, which consisted of four youth who are the leaders of the entire troop."

Oops--left out "I" between "years" and "joined." You also need an "s" on the end of "youth." Typos, right?

"I became a leader and a mentor to the younger scouts, just as the older scouts had been to me when I started as a scout."

Again, the capitization of "Scouts," and I'd end the sentence after "started." The rest is redunant.

That's it. You'll do very well with this essay, in my humble opinion.

Good luck in all your endeavors!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / BREAST CANCER/ Doing something without feeling helpless; Donho UC [3]

Greetings!

What a great look into your personal mission and the growth of your character! And well-written, too!

I only saw a few small things as I read through it. Here we go:

"As long as no one I knew was affected, I could have cared less."

OK, I admit it--this one is a pet peeve of mine. I know it's common nowadays to say, "I could care less," but the phrase is actually, "I couldn't care less." Think about it--the first way says you have not reached the limits of caring; the second says you have. I'm stepping off my soapbox now. :-)

"Her willpower and strength had to outlast the cancer, she had to because she was raising two boys at the time, one, two years old and the other had just been born."

This would read more smoothly: "Her willpower and strength had to outlast the cancer; she was raising two boys at the time, a two-year-old and a newborn." Or something along those lines.

"I was too self absorbed."

"Self-absorbed" should be hyphenated.

"It was soon further tested personally in my life."

Does "It" refer to your growing awareness? That's not really clear. And "in my life" is a bit redundant, since you've already said "personally."

"The cancer causing substances that my friends were consuming had to be stopped."

Two things about this sentence: "cancer-causing" is a hyphenated word, and the way the sentence is constructed makes it sound like you want to stop the substances themselves, rather than stop your friends from taking them. A subtle but important difference.

That's all I see. I found your essay very moving. Tragic as your aunt's death was, it has inspired you in ways you might never have considered. I hope your support of cancer organizations will continue, and I wish you the best of luck in all that you do!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / World Affairs Challenge; UC -'A difficult academic endeavor' [5]

Hello, again--

That was quick work! And you're getting closer to perfection. Here's what I see this time:

"And it's a tie for the Best Overall Team! Mercy High School and---" the speakers voice was drowned out by our triumphant screams of glee.

I think you need a new sentence after the quote. Also, "speaker's" needs an apostrophe.

"Academically, I have since strived to achieve the same level of preparedness, organization, and diligence I achieved in the World Affair Challenge."

Is "Affair" supposed to be plural? You might want to check that throughout the essay.

"No, I am not that abrasively annoying kid that always makes sure the teacher remembers to collect the homework, but I do, as cliché as it is, try my best."

The phrase is actually "clichéd as it is." A typo, no doubt!

"Personally, the World Affair Challenged has instilled within me an undeniable sense of personal responsibility and an unquenchable desire to remain politically involved."

I don't think you really need the "Personally," especially since you use the word "personal" later in the sentence, but that's up to you. I think you probably didn't mean to put the "d" in "Chanllenged." And "instilled in me" might be better than "instilled within me."

I like the additions you made. Good job!

Sarah

Undergraduate / World Affairs Challenge; UC -'A difficult academic endeavor' [5]

And now for the other essay:

"But as the year went on, I became utterly miserable as my awful time management skills finally caught with me; I no longer ate dinner with my family or read for fun, my weekends became devoted to sleeping, my lunches to extra studying, and the only times I would see friends was during practice or school."

"Time-management" needs a hyphen. A colon rather than a semi-colon is needed after "caught up with me" (BTW, you forgot the "up"), since the rest is really a complete sentence that describes the first part of the thought.

"Hopping"--oops, typo!

"Unfortunately it did not, and I received my first C."

The referral to the dropping of AP English as a helpful measure is a little muddy. Maybe something like: "Unfortunately, it didn't help, and . . . " You may have a better idea.

"But as much as that C is a blemish on my academic record, it is moreover a reminder of a lesson I will never forget: time management is key for a balanced life."

I don't think you need "moreover." Maybe ". . . it stands as a reminder of a lesson . . . " Again, hypenate "time-management." BTW, I totally agree: we all need to realize the importance of balance!

"But, I have also joined the clubs Amnesty International and Green Team and began volunteering every week for an hour at a soup kitchen."

You don't need a comma after "But." "Began" needs to be "begun" to match the tense of the first part of the sentence.

"I sincerely hope that I may apply this new resolve to not only be a good student but one with good time management skills at a University of California."

You know--the hypen thing.

I admire the way you came to grips with your problem of over-extending yourself. Many adults never realize they need to do that, and are mega-stressed as a result.

Another great essay!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "most of us take what we have for granted" ; COMMON APP [6]

Greetings!

You have written a great essay! I'll be happy to do some proofing and editing for you:

"Several years ago, the grandparents that were responsible for my upbringing had passed away. This was a devastating loss I feel to this days."

I'll be that "s" on the end of "days" is a typo!

"At the time, I have not seen my grandparents in quite some time and did not speak to them as much as I would have liked to."

I think you've used "time" too often. How about "When they died, I . . . " instead of "At the time."

Also, you probably meant "I had not seen" rather than "I have not seen."

"I was unable to deal with their passing for an extended period of time until I came to an understanding of what was to be done.."

You've got two periods here. Bad typos!

My grandfather shared on pair of shoes with 12 of his siblings as they were growing up in freezing winters of what used to be known as The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."

"One pair of shoes," not "on pair," right? I would spell out "twelve" and add "the" between "growing up in" and "freezing." And, wow, I can't imagine how they survived! What incredible determination they must have had!

"He did not let this stop him from became an engineer who is single handedly responsible for some of the largest developments in Moscow, Russia."

"Single-handedly" needs to be hypenated.

"My father came to the United States with a small sum of money and endured homelessness so he could someday bring me to the country of endless opportunity in hopes that I would be able to utilize the liberties and freedoms to prosper ."

It might be better to say, " . . . in hopes that I would prosper under its liberty and freedom." Or something like that. Also, you've typoed an extra space before the final period.

"Holding a job since the age of sixteen and obtaining a full-time position immediately after my high school graduation."

This is an incomplete sentence. How about "I have held a job since the age of sixteen and obtained a full-time position . . . " instead?

"I was driven by the sacrifices my parents and grandparents have made.. But, as I became acclimated to the inner workings of the country I can now call home, it was more and more operant that a lack of education was a likely dead end."

You've got an extra period in there. Also, you can eliminate "can" from the phrase "I can now call home." And I think you mean "apparent" rather than "operant." I would end the sentence with something like ". . . more and more apparent that my lack of education would lead to a dead end in the job market."

"I enrolled in Orange Coast College and struggled to find time and energy between a full time job and my newly acquired endevour."

How about this: "I enrolled in Orange Coast College, where I struggled with the demands on my time and energy as I tried to find a balance between a full-time job and my new academic endeavors." Note that I hypenated "full-time" and changed the spelling of "endeavors."

"It was at a dead end; on one hand I had a duty to support my parents start a new life and on the other I needed to continue my education without which I would likely find myself to be average at best."

You probably meant to say either "It was a dead end" or "I was at a dead end." And you probably didn't mean to say ". . . duty to support my parents start a new life . . ." That looks like either a cut-and-paste accident or a revision that didn't quite get completed. Either way, you need commas after "new life" and "my education."

Fueled by the determination, I sought an employment opportunity that would allow me to provide the same support as before in conjunction with consideration for me as a student."

A couple of things here to make your meaning more clear: take out "the" before "determination," and change "me" to "myself."

"After a prolonged search, a perfect job opportunity opened allowing me concentrate on my education"

Insert "up" after "opened", then add a comma. And I think your final period got lost somewhere.

"With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student was no longer a dream and the grades drastically increased, eventhough, I continued to work in excess of 40 hours a week."

May I suggest: "With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student changed from a dream to reality. My grades increased drastically, even though I continued . . . "

"I spent the first half of my life in a country which is commonly known to be responsibility for the Cold War, vodka and caviar."

Replace "responsibility" with "responsible for." I like the touch of humor!

"Growing up, I spent several nights falling asleep to the tune machine gun fire and the bedtime story of a tank shelling a building only a few blocks away."

Insert "of" between "tune" and "machine gun." What an ordeal--I'm so glad you're here now!

"I can only say that I will not be one to give up and ever take anything I have granted."

I suggest inserting a comma after "give up," and then saying, "and I will never take anything I have for granted." Note that I inserted the word "for."

It's amazing what you and your family have endured, and inspiring that you have come through it so well. I truly wish the best for all of you, and I hope your educational and career dreams will continue to come true!

Best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Canadian Identity -- Highway's Rez Sisters and Hall's Diaspora [4]

Greetings!

You have obviously put a lot of thought and feeling into this essay. It sounds as though you have done academic and/or professional writing--is that correct? My compliments! I would be glad to proof it for typos and give you my thoughts on content, keeping in mind that all suggestions are just that--suggestions. (And I must confess that I had to look up "aporia" in the dictionary. What a great word!)

"Africa is the name of the missing term, the great aporia, which lies at the centre of our cultural identity and gives it a meaning which, until recently, it lacked. No one who looks at these textural images now, in the light of the history of transportation, slavery and migration, can fail to understand how the rift of separation, the 'loss of identity', which has been integral to the Carribean experience only beings to be healed when these forgotten connections are once more set in place.'"

Is this a quotation? I don't see a cite for it. If you wrote it, I suggest that you identify whose cultural identity you are addressing in the first sentence. It's not clear whether you mean Canadians or perhaps a specific group of Canadians. Regarding the meaning of this paragraph, I'm not sure why Caribbeans are entering into the discussion. Would it be possible to draw a clearer connection? Did you perhaps mean "begins to be healed" rather that "beings to be healed"?

"Yet, however much this 'oneness' of historical experience evades Canadian cultural identity, Margaret Atwood suggests a convenient solution, "we are all immigrants." "

I suggest a semi-colon rather than a comma before the quotation.

"The ways in which each emigrating cultures have, and continue to, navigate the political and economic experience of immigration sets them apart from one another."

I would replace "each" with "various."

"How do we console the Canadian-British with the Canadian-Moroccan; the Canadian-British-Manitoban with the Canadian-British-Quebecan?"

Is "console" the right word here?

"Since aboriginals do not fit into the convenient schema of immigrant survival, the native, or, aboriginal community has refused to fit into Canadian cultural identity."

I think you meant the comma after "or" to be placed after "aboriginal."

"(Hall 226)"

Needs a period.

"Thus, if the anchor for the canadian immigrant resides in the struggle for survival, which then makes him Canadian; the Native-Canadian is left to con-form within a space that he is incapable of identifying-that is, to be both Native and Canadian is an impossibility considering our current understanding of the similarity that binds Canadian identity[6]."

Something seems wrong with the first part of the sentence; did you mean "this then makes him Canadian"? I'm not sure that the semi-colon that follows that phrase is correct. The hyphen in "con-form" is probably just a typo.

"There is a jostling of identities that is occurring."

A little passive. How about "A jostling of identities is occurring"?

"If we consider the Native to be Canadian then we exclude the immigrant experience, if we consider the immigrant to be Canadian then we exclude the native experience."

I would change the comma to a semi-colon.

"On one level, I think I have lost 'you' only to discover that 'I' have gone missing as well." (Butler 22)

The final period needs to go outside the citation.

Much as I'd like to proof the whole essay, time does not permit. I think I said enough to give you an idea of the things I was looking for, both nit-picky and significant. The main thing I would suggest is to remember that your average reader (like myself) has little background in this area and needs as much clarification as possible. Of course, if you are writing for an audience of academic professionals, this will not hold as true, but if this essay is for a class, I would keep the ignorance factor in mind. And on the footnotes, I noticed some of them are missing the mandatory space between. Probably a computer-translation problem, but just thought I'd mention it.

Best of luck, although you really don't need it! You seem to have talent in abundance; just combine that with a careful perusal and you'll do very well (in my humble opinion).

Cheers,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "most of us take what we have for granted" ; COMMON APP [6]

Well, Michael, you can't do more than tell the truth, in my opinion. If that's what happened, then that's what you should write about. It doesn't sound to me like you are asking for special favors--just telling your story. I advise getting some other people to read your essay and tell you what they think.

Don't worry about the proofing--that's why you posted, right? I know I picked at a lot of stuff; I've been told I was born with a red pencil in my hand, so I can't help myself! Everyone's first (and probably second and third) drafts are rough, so don't sweat it. Your story is compelling, and you can fix all that small stuff easily.

And BTW--you're welcome! Glad to help.

Sarah

Undergraduate / "most of us take what we have for granted" ; COMMON APP [6]

Hey, Michael--

Lacking in depth? After what you have experienced? Surely not!

Do you have academic accomplishments or extracurricular activities you want to include? If so, you'll have to figure out a way to condense your family information. If you don't have any of those, then I'd say it's fine the way it is.

I wish you had more time before you have to turn this in. Sometimes walking away from a project for a day or two, and then rereading it with fresh eyes is useful. But in this case, you may just need to be satisfied with things the way they are (I realize that may be difficult for someone as determined as you are!). Remember, we are always our own worse critics, so cut yourself a little slack. You have a moving, well-stated essay here that highlights some very admireable elements of your character, so trust yourself.

Good luck, and try to relax!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / BUSINESS/ STOCK BROKER, BANKER, LAW FIRM ; UC - Intended major? experience? [2]

Hello, again--

Very well-stated! You say exactly what you need to about your accomplishments and desires, and you say it with enthusiasm and clarity. I see only one thing to mention:

"Finance, accounting, business law, economics, communications, ethics all interest me."

I would either put "and" before "ethics" or use a long dash: " . . . communications, ethics--all interest me."

Other than that, I think it's good to go. Nice job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Topic # 1 What you will bring to the University of California - review [4]

Good morning!

Why would I hate you? Because you're doing your best to make a good life for yourself? I don't think so! That's what we all want, after all.

So, with that in mind, let's look at your new essay:

"I met individuals from every corner of the earth and every walk of life and quickly realized that I, as a first generation immigrant would not be alone."

Insert a comma after "immigrant" to finish enclosing the clause.

"After some inquiry, it occurred to me that they did no understand what gift they posses and how many people would kill to be in their shoes."

Typo alert: you forgot the "t" on "not" and the last "s" on "possess."

"My background has allowed me to have the ability to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the opportunities I have been presented with."

"My background has given me the ability . . . " would sound better, but if you are trying to meet a word count and don't want to shorten anything, it's OK as it is.

"With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities I will undoubtedly will allow me to succeed in any facet of life."

I think you may have accidentally combined two different versions of this sentence. That leaves you with a couple of choices; either: "With the confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities, I will undoubtedly succeed in any facet of life." Or: "The confidence and unbreakable determination I have developed overcoming all of my adversities will undoubtedly allow me to succeed in any facet of life."

"Furthermore, my multi-lingual and multi-national background, as well as, my natural leadership ability can unite those striving to reach a common goal and enlighten those who do not see what treasure is at their finger tips."

Move the comma after "as well as" to after "ability."

You sound confident and motivated to succeed, both very good qualities. I'm glad you decided to emphasize your abilities. I hope the admissions people are as impressed as I am!

Good luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Scout/ Grammar School/ Drama/ Peer Counseling; UC - More on Academic Record [2]

Greetings!

Let's see what I can do, whether we're within the deadline or not:

"Several times a year I take camping trips, some as far away as Oregon."

Change "take" to "took," since the rest of the paragraph is in the past tense.

"As a young student in grammar school, I decided became active in various clubs and activities."

I think you may have accidentally combined two versions of this sentence. That leaves you with the choice of ". . . I decided to become active . . ." or ". . . I became active . . ."

"I also enjoyed an after school program called G.A.T.E., which taught finer arts such as acting, drawing, and several other crafts."

"Fine arts" would be better than "finer arts."

That's all I see. You stated your accomplishments quite well, and your writing is clear and to the point. Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Canadian Identity -- Highway's Rez Sisters and Hall's Diaspora [4]

Greetings, and good morning!

It really helps to get someone else's perspective, doesn't it? Glad to be of service.

On first read, I missed the information that this is an essay for English class. With that in mind, I think you should consider simplifying your concepts and language for the sake of clarity. I'm sure academics would have no problem with concept-dense style, but it might be a bit high-flown for the average jane or joe. Of course, it all depends on what your instructor expects, and what you are comfortable with.

I can give you an example of what I'm talking about. You wrote:

"Highway's play is able to look upon a distorted Native past-the Native aporia-and retell the Native experience as a hyrbridised identity, an intercultural Native that still maintains origin."

I get what you're saying here, but it took several readings and a lot of concentration (and I'm reasonably bright). Something like, "Highway's play looks upon the Native past--the Native aporia [which, BTW, I suggest you define the first time you use it]--and retells it as a tale of distorted identity. The play's protagonists retain their Native character, but in a hybridized form that has been altered by the dominant culture."

There are any number of ways to express the same idea, of course; this is just one suggestion. The point is to assume that your reader, while not actually as dumb as a stump, isn't a genius, either. My philosophy is that an essay should be accessible to anyone of average intelligence who is willing to put a little bit of effort into reading it. If it is too erudite, the reader's eyes will quickly glaze over, and you've lost him or her.

I think your essay contains some well-thought-out ideas and good research. The quotations are apt, and your command of language and sentence construction is impressive. I also think that if you take the language down a notch, more people will be able to enjoy it.

I take it that the Rez Sisters play is a work of your own imagination and does not exist otherwise? I like the context it provides for an exploration of the fusion of Native and colonial identities.

And BTW, I like "jostling." It gives a clear picture of identities rubbing up against each other in a rather chaotic way. As to "con-form," I like the humorous touch, but it might require an explanation ("con-form, in the sense that . . . ", or something along those lines).

All in all, I think you are right on target in your assessment of your work so far. I would suggest that you run a spell- and grammar-check on it; I noticed a few uh-ohs. Your main ideas are excellent, the inclusion of The Rez Sisters is creative, and you obviously have no problem letting the words flow. You might want to get input from a few other readers; their opinions could be completely different from mine.

Good luck, and keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Irelands education history in the 1960's [2]

Greetings!

Well, I'm more familiar with America's educational system than Ireland's, but fortunately one kind find almost any information on the Web these days. :-)

Here's how I research a paper: First I go to my local library and use their computer to look up my subject. In your case, you would look for "Education." You will probably get a list of books that cover Irish education, since libraries tend to focus on things of direct interest to their patrons. If the field is too broad, narrow it down: "Education in Ireland" or "education 1960s", for instance.

When I've found a book, I look in the table of contents and the index for words that cover my subject. Some will have what you want, some won't. If you have a large library available to you, you can look for educational periodicals. These are most likely to be found in a university library. And be sure to ask a librarian for help. I used to work in a library, and trust me when I say they WANT to help you.

You can also check book stores, of course. I have occasionally bought a used book for research if I thought I might be able to use it more than once, and if the price is right (this means very cheap!).

I supplement the books I find with Internet research. Just type your subject into a search engine and see what pops up. Again, if you get too many possibilities, narrow down your terms. You can also search for educational journals by name; some will let you download articles for free, but most charge for the privilege.

The very best place to look for academic articles is in the database of a university library, if you have access to one. There you will find articles that you can download from scholarly journals. You search for them by subject, just like with books or on the Web. You are likely to find articles that specifically address the areas you mentioned--state, church, etc. Again, ask a librarian for help.

This is pretty basic researching info; forgive me if you already know it. I took you at your word about not knowing where to start!

I hope this info helps. Post again & let me know how you do!

Best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Greetings!

I wish I could give you a definitive answer to your question, but that kind of insider info is generally not available to the public. The safest course would be to find a bit of your essay that you think could be trimmed. Going over the limit by a word or two--or five--might be alright, but 80 is quite a few.

You might ask your guidance counselor what he or she thinks. You could even call the university's admissions office and ask there; they would very likely say to just follow the guidelines, but you never know. You might get hold of someone super-helpful who knows the ropes.

I would be cautious about getting advice from peers--unless you run into someone who has actually gone all the way through the process. Even then, I'm not sure I'd follow advice from an unofficial source. Circumstances change, and so may requirements.

I hope this helps. My first inclination is always to go to the source for information--in your case, the university admissions office. Or else steel yourself to push that delete button 80 times! (Ouch!)

Best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Philosophy, Robotics, and Economi NCSSM ; COMMUNITY -Academic&Residential Experience [3]

Greetings, Kalyan!

I love the addition! It makes me feel as though I'm right there with you. I would suggest setting it apart from the rest of the essay as a special introduction--maybe by italicizing it, or leaving an extra line between it and the body text.

I do have a question about the opening lines:

"It was a crisp, cool morning in June. I sat in a rented cottage on the hills of Tirumala, one of the holiest places in all of Hinduism. The place where God Himself became a statue for all the world to adore."

The third line is an incomplete sentence. You may have intended it to be that way; sometimes writers do that for effect. However, technically it is incorrect. IF you want to change it, I suggest using a long dash: ". . . all of Hinduism--the place where . . ." The admissions people may see it as I do--a way to emphasize your idea. Or they may see it as an incomplete sentence. Just do what you feel best suits your intent.

One other thing:

"When I visited NCSSM for open house, I was impressed with the jazz band that was outside in the courtyard. I was impressed with the level of music they were playing and wanted to be a part of that program."

You've repeated the word "impressed." Maybe you could substitute another word in one of those sentences for a little variety. I'm sure you can find a word in your thesaurus that would work.

I am certainly "impressed" with your essay, and I am sure the admissions committee will be too!

Best of luck to you, Kalyan!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay episodic content (1447 words) [5]

Greetings!

Goodness, you're awfully hard on yourself! Sure, your essay could use a little help with the details, but you've got a great basic concept, and you state your position well. I think your arguments are convincing. I'll be glad to help you with proofreading and editing. So, line by line:

"The whole house asleep except for yours truly."

Insert the word "is"--I think you just overlooked it.

"The television cast a ghostly glow to the room."

"Casts" needs an "s", since you're writing in the present tense.

"My face fixed to the center of the television screen in a zombie-like gaze."

"My face fixed" is a little awkward. How about: "My eyes are glued to the center of the television screen with a zombie-like glaze." (Yes, I did mean "glaze"!)

"I was finally at the first boss, after having to navigate the treacherous lake filled with all kinds of unspeakable horrors."

I'm not sure what "at the first boss" means. I'm a gaming ignoramus, so if this is a technical term, it's probably fine as it is. If, however, you meant that you have finally reached a boss-type person and are about to engage in combat, it would be better to state that specifically ("I was finally about to fight the first boss, after . . . "). Come to think of it, ". . . after navigating a treacherous lake" might sound a little smoother.

"I almost killed the gigantic monster until a knock came from the door. It released me from my stupor."

How about: "I had almost killed the gigantic monster when a loud knock on my door released me from my stupor."

"My mother, awaken from the loud shrieks and screams coming from the television, was standing outside the door waiting to strike like that demon hound."

I would used "stood" instead of "was standing." "Was standing" is in the passive voice, which is a writing no-no. Also, I'm not clear as to which demon hound you mean. It might be better to say "a demon hound" or to name which hound ("that demon hound of the Baskervilles" or whatever).

"It was Monday morning and I definitely had school to go to."

". . . I definitely had to go to school" would be better.

"Sitting on the bed, I glanced around the room seeing a pile of video games yet to be played from years."

I'm not sure if you mean that there were unplayed video games that would take you years to get through, or if you've already spent years playing them. I also think the sentence could be tightened up a little: "Sitting on the bed, I stared at the pile of video games that would take me years to complete", or something like that (depending upon your meaning).

"It is undoubtedly frustrating to see a game go unfinished. Which is why I believe episodic content, in other words episodic games, will be the wave of the future."

The second sentence is incomplete by itself, but would be fine added to the first sentence (again, with a little tightening up). ". . . a game go unfinished, which is why I believe episodic games will be the wave of the future." I think your reader will understand that episodic games and episodic content are the same thing.

"I'm thinking that the first episodic game would be a pilot to see if consumers are interested then thus expanding on the first game with additional episodes."

I would take out "I'm thinking that" and start the sentence with "The first episodic game . . . "
The whole essay is about what you think, so you don't need to restate it. The end of the sentence needs clarification; maybe, ". . . if consumers are interested, then additional episodes would be developed to meet consumer demand."

"Instead of $49.99 for a regular game, it would only be $19.99 because of the less development time and resources used developing the game."

I think we could smooth this sentence out. Maybe something like: "The cost of an episodic game would be $19.99 instead of the $49.99 charged for a regular game. An episodic game would require less time to develop and use fewer resources, justifying the lower price."

"Just like a successful TV show like LOST, 24, the unit. These TV shows build an audience over time.

You've got another incomplete sentence, and the show titles need to be italicized: "Successful TV shows like LOST, 24 and The Unit build an audience over time."

"The same can be said about episodic games, if the game is engaging and challenging then it would build an audience. Having an audience has the potential of creating a steady stream of revenue for the game developers so they can continue to further the series."

How about: "An engaging and challenging episodic game would build the same kind of audience, providing a steady stream of revenue and enabling the developers to further the series."

"Since a lower price point is appealing to consumers, selling one hundred million copies of an episodic game at $19.99 versus ten million copies of a regular game at $49.99. To me, the obvious choice being the higher sold with the low price point. Plus I as a gamer get to enjoy spending less for a game."

We need to clean up a little muddiness here. Maybe you could start the sentence as you have it, then continue: ". . . consumers, the potential exists for selling one hundred million copies of an episodic game at $19.99, as opposed to ten million copies of a regular game at $49.99." Then you could go on to say something like: "As a business person, I prefer the scenario of higher numbers of sales with the low price point; as a gamer, I would enjoy spending less for a game."

Whoops--my clock just chimed at me, telling me I have to go for now. I will be happy to look over the rest of your essay later in the day. I hope the suggestions I have given you will help!

Until a later post,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay episodic content (1447 words) [5]

Hi--

I'm so sorry I haven't been back to finish this yet. Life happened! I'll get back with it tomorrow.

Until then--no, you don't have to spell out money amounts, so you're fine!

Sarah

Dissertations / US IMPORT POLICIES; summary paragraph [2]

Greetings!

Yes, it does make sense, and you made your point well! There are a few places that need clearing up, and I'm glad to help with that.

"Its policies; however, strict still let contaminated into our country."

Just need to move the punctuation around and add one word: "Its policies, however strict, still let contaminated goods into our country."

"Our border control has gaps and insufficient inspections, which have our country vulnerable to unwanted outside viruses, bacteria, and pests maybe even terrorism."

I suggest changing "which have our country" to "which leave our country" and changing the end of the sentence to ". . . viruses, bacteria--maybe even terrorism."

"Twenty five percent of the produce consumed by Americans is imported."

"Twenty-five" needs a hyphen.

"If only 2% of produce consumed inspected, 23% of the imported produce is potentially contaminated."

I'm not sure that your meaning is clear in this sentence. Since 2% and 23% don't add up to 100%, an "if-then" sentence doesn't really work. In any case, you need to insert "is" between "consumed" and "inspected."

"Rep .Tom Tancredo has introduced legislation to help protect our borders."

I'm sure this is just a typo, but you need to move the period in "Rep." over.

"The measure would require "a significant increase in the number of border patrol authorized, actually 20000 authorized."

"20,000" needs a comma.

"In addition, "it encourages the president to use the military on the border".

The period needs to be inside the quotation.

"Invasive species and disease from overseas present a largely overlooked risk to our welfare, one that we must vigorously attack on all fronts."

"Diseases" needs an "s" (assuming you mean it to be plural).

And that's all I see that needs a fix!

You've written a very persuasive essay. With a little clean up and clarification, I think you have a winner!

Best of luck,

Sarah,EssayForum.com

Essays / reaction paragraph; Protecting low feelings of students [3]

Greetings!

You make some valid points to support your opinion--congratulations! Let's take a look at your paragraph:

"Author suggested, "Protecting the low feelings of a student is more important than celebrating another's high accomplishments."

You need to start with "The author suggested."

"Encouraging the high accomplishment student is right but they should attend to students who have the low grades. Because of that the students who have low grades they start get into the trouble. Also they will not be interest in the school life. "

These three sentences can be combined: "Encouraging the highly accomplished student is right, but they should also attend to students who have low grades, because these are the students that may get into trouble and be disinterested in school life."

"In addition their parents feel irritated to their children."

Just a couple of small changes: add a comma after "addition," and change "to" to "toward."

"School shouldn't separate the students to their honor rolls."

Your meaning might be more clear if you said something like, "Honor rolls separate students, and schools shouldn't use them."

OK, there you go. Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Spending money; I realized that i used a lot of money for unnecessary things. [5]

Greetings!

You have written a very honest essay that shows you are willing to learn from your mistakes. I will be glad to help you put it into proper English. Don't be too hard on yourself; you will get better and better as you practice writing and speaking. You are already good enough for me to understand exactly what you are trying to say in your essay!

First, a few words of general advice: When you are typing the final copy, be sure to watch for things like capitalizing "I" every time you use it and putting a space after every period before you start a new sentence.

OK, now let's look at it line-by-line:

"I never thought that spending money was important until i got the college in the USA."

Change "i got the college" to "I got to college."

"Being a college student is the perdect time to start practicing smart spending money because it will prepare me for the real world afterward."

How about: "College is the perfect time . . . " I think that "perdect" was probably a typo.

"For example: four weeks ago i bought two modern styled, fancy shoes instead of BUsiness's reference book."

Use a comma instead of a colon, and change the wording. "For example, four weeks ago I bought a pair of modern, fancy shoes instead of buying the reference book I needed for my business class."

"After the next day, i lied my parents that i bought school supplies."

Change this to: "The next day, I lied to my parents and said that I bought school supplies."

"In fact, Business's reference book is more important for my study than fancy shoes which i can buy later."

You are very close to correct with this sentence, but it would be better as: "In fact, the business reference book is more important to my studies than fancy shoes, which I can buy later."

"Now i understand that i have to decide how to spend my money smartly when my parents are not around me."

"Wisely" would be a better word choice than "smartly," although "smartly" is OK.

"i think that to spend money is easier than to earn it."

This sentence is fine (except for needing a capital "I"), but you should use it to start a new paragraph.

"In this semester, i tutored College algebra to high school student for five days in a week.

This sentence would be better if you said, "This semester, I tutored high school students in college algebra five days a week." You don't need to capitalize "college" unless you are naming a specific one.

"It was a little experience for to know that how it is diffucult to find money."

Try this way: "It was a good experience to learn how difficult it is to earn money." Notice how I spelled "difficult."

"To study in the USA is more experience than in the MOngolia."

I think you meant to say "expensive" rather than "experience." Also, it would sound better as: "Studying in the USA is more expensive than in Mongolia." You usually don't need to put "the" in front of the name of a country, unless you're talking about someplace like The Netherlands.

"For example: i bought my books for six hundred fifty three dollars."

Again, I would use a comma instead of a colon. (Wow! It's amazing how much textbooks cost these days!)

"If i were in Mongolia, i would pay for my one year tuition."

Congratulations on saying "If I were" instead of "if I was"! A lot of native English speakers get confused about that one, but you got it right. However, the rest of the sentence needs to say, "it would pay for one year's tuition."

"My parents are paying for all my college expenses. But i want to earn some money to spend living expenses by myself."

These two sentences can be combined: "My parents are paying for all my college expenses, but I want to earn some money for expenses myself." I changed the wording a little at the end so that "living expenses" didn't need to be repeated.

"That's why i have to control myself when i spend my parent's money right way."

I think you are trying to say, "That's why I have to control myself and spend my parents' money the right way." Notice that the apostrophe goes after the "s" in "parents'"; this is the proper placement when you are doing the possessive form of more than one person or thing. "Parent's" refers to only one person, like saying "my father's money."

"At the end of my all thoughts.Spending money is the most important thing for me."

Since this is your final sentence, summing up what you've said and telling what you've learned, you may want to rewrite it. As it is, it sounds as though spending is still the most important thing to you, and I don't think that's what you meant to say. Maybe something like, "The most important thing I have learned is that spending money wisely pays off in the end." Or something like that.

I really admire your desire to learn to write well in English. That's why I've not only told you what needs changing, but why. Learning to think logically about what you are saying in a foreign language is difficult, but it gets easier over time. And, of course, a lot of it is just learning the idioms, exceptions to the rules, and the unexplainable weird things (of which English has plenty!). Good luck, and keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Euthanasia Essay Feedback (Ethics class) [2]

Greetings!

Sounds like this is due soon, right? I'll be happy to give you a few pointers. Time doesn't permit me to edit the whole thing, but I'll try to get you started.

"Euthanasia is one of the most complicated issues in the Medical field due to the clash of ethically point of views."

You don't really need to capitalize "medical" since it is a general noun. The correct way to say the last part of the sentence would be "ethical points of view."

"But we still are unable to find cure to all illnesses, and patients hae to go through extremely painful treatments only to have time."

I think if you look closely at this sentence you'll find a few things you didn't mean to do (i.e. you forgot the "a" in front of "cure," the "v" in "have" and "more" in front of "time").

"Due to highly costs treatments, few capability to have total control of their lives and the only option to live a short amount of time with painful treatments: People should have the right, with certain restrictions, to end their lives in the best way possible to stop suffering of an endless pain."

This sentence sounds like you may have had a cut-and-paste accident, or you were revising and got a little lost. :-) It happens! How about: "Due to the high cost of treatment, few have total control of their lives, and the only option is to live a short amount of time with painful treatments." The next phrase is OK, but it should be a new sentence.

"Society should have compassion and respect to the patient's decision whose life becomes unbearable."

You need to change "to" to "for" and "whose" to "when."

"When a person has a terminal disease, all the types of treatments have been practiced, nothing works and the endless pain of the patient still exists:Euthanasia could be an option, depending on the case."

I would make these two sentences.

"For example, a person is in coma due to brain stoppage, so his life is meaningless for that person. This human being will not be able to feel or rationalize what is going on."

Oops! You forgot the "a" in front of "coma," and you don't need "for that person" on the end of the sentence.

"In such cases, Euthanasia could be an option for the patient and family members to relieve from agonizing processes."

You don't need to capitalize "euthanasia," but you do need to insert "them" before "from agonizing processes."

I hope that helps you figure out what to look for when you're proof-reading and editing. The very best advice I can give you is to read your paper out loud. You'll be amazed at how much easier it is to catch mistakes when you can hear as well as see your words. Just read carefully and really listen to what you are saying, and the mistakes will jump out at you.

I think you did a very good job of presenting your ideas clearly and in a logical sequence. Your argument is well-presented, and it will be well-stated, too, with a little careful proofreading.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Burst of Rainbow. Compare contrast essay: skittles and starbursts [5]

Greetings!

Yes, you have definitely made your essay more interesting and colorful. Good job!

I'll be glad to help you get started on proofreading and editing. Let's take a look:

"The main one; happiness."

The rule for using a semi-colon is that the text on either side of it is a complete sentence. What you've got here are two incomplete sentences. The most correct way to say it would be "The main one is happiness," but since you're going for effect, you could say, "The main one: happiness." Using a colon indicates that you are stating something to make your point. It often combines two complete sentences, but not always.

"Following this opening statement is a comparing and contrasting of two candies, fighting for their rightful place in creating happiness in ones mind."

"One's" is the possessive form, so it needs an apostrophe.

"Skittles verses Starbursts; one will stand on top and bring forth the true demeanor of peoples tastes."

Again, "people's" is possessive. As you read through the rest of your essay, you'll find other instances where you need an apostrophe.

"Starbursts create a sensory feeling, much like the predecessor in Skittles, but the difference with Starbursts is that they create their own language with their sweet, slightly sour bodies, manipulating ones mind to agree with their so-called fabricated faux-love."

The phrase "the predecessor in" is unneccessay. ". . . much like Skittles" is less wordy. Also, you need a comma between "so-called" and "fabricated".

One other thing I might mention is use of the word "fruitful." I looked it up in the dictionary, and it means to bear fruit or to produce something. You could certainly use it somewhere in your essay as a clever play on words, but if you want to say the candy is full of fruit-type flavor, the better adjective is "fruity."

I see what your teacher was trying to do with this essay. The assignment seems kind of lame at first glance, but it makes you really think about how to decribe something. You did a very good job of picking out the differences and similiarities in these candies, and I like the addition of more colorful language.

The best advice I can give you for proofing your writing is to read it out loud, really listening to what you are saying. If it doesn't sound right to you, it probably isn't. I also advise checking carefully for things like apostrophes and other punctuation. It's those little things that often trip us up!

It looks like you worked hard on this, and with a little more proofreading, you'll be good to go. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Importance of Having Lots of friends [3]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to help you get started proofreading your essay. Let's take a look:

"One goody and crazy memory can be told through the following story."

This is probably just a typo, but you've got "goody" where I think you meant to say "goofy."

"We had a crazy idea to scare children."

You need to insert "the" in front of "children."

"Our idea was the ghost came during children were dancing and scared them."

This would sound a little smoother if you said, "Our idea was for the ghost to come while the children were dancing and scare them."

"One of us wore a white cape, and came to the disco."

You don't need the comma.

"All children scared and some girls cried.

Insert "the" in front of "children" and "were" in front of scared.

"That was really crazy idea."

Insert "a" in front of "really."

"They called our parents, our parents took us from the camp, and we all punished."

Insert "were" in front of "all punished."

"For me, I could not go out for one month during summer time."

You don't need to say "For me," since the sentence is already about you. Also, add "the" before "summer time."

You are off to a good start with your essay. It looks like the main thing you need to watch out for is making sure all the necessary articles are included with your nouns ("the", "a", etc.). The very best advice I can give you is to read your essay out loud and really listen to what you are saying. That will help you hear your words the way that your teacher will be reading them, and help you find mistakes. It might also help to read it to a friend to see if they understand what you are trying to say.

You are doing very well with your writing, so keep up the good work and practice those proofreading skills. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Abortion should be allowed but with certain restrictions! [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay that you only need to proofread to catch a few mistakes. I'll be glad to help you with that.

"In certain situations women should be the only one who can decide whether the life of the fetus should continue for the good of both lives."

You need to add an "s" to "one" since you are referring to "women," not just one woman.

"Each person has different perspectives about life and morally values."

I think this is probably a revision that you didn't quite finish; you have "morally" where you meant "moral."

"As we respect how each person is with their culture and their religious believes, we should respect the woman's decision about their pregnancy state."

A more direct way to open the sentence would be: "Just as we respect each person's culture and their religious beliefs, we . . . " Notice that I changed "believes" to "beliefs."

"When the fetus has not developed into an individual, then the moral rights of a woman should overweight the fetus' rights."

You need to change "overweight" to "outweigh."

"The fetus that is becoming a new life into the woman's body should be received in this world with appreciation and motivation to nurture."

You need to switch "into" and "in": "a new life in the woman's body" and "should be received into this world." Also, "the motivation to nurture it" would be a little more clear.

"If a woman rejects her pregnancy due to a rape imagine how she will overreact."

Insert a comma before "imagine."

"The psychological effects of a rape in a woman, causes a immensely degradation of her self-esteem."

You don't need the comma after "woman", "causes" should be "cause" and "immensely" should be "immense."

"In other cases of unplanned pregnancy due to bad relationships or stage of life, could cause an even worst rejection of the baby's and own life."

This sentence needs some restructuring. How about: "Cases of unplanned pregnancy due to bad relationships or stage of life could cause . . . " You don't need the comma. I understand what you mean by an unplanned pregancy that is due to a bad relationship, but I don't understand the "stage of life" part. Can you think of a way to clarify this? Also, I think you meant to say ". . . rejection of the baby's and the woman's own life."

I hope this gives you an idea of things to look for when you are proofreading your work. The best thing you can do is to read the essay out loud and listen carefully to what you are saying. If you hear something that sounds wrong, it probably is. I've caught lots of my own mistakes when I read out loud; try it and see if it doesn't help.

You've stated your point well. Just look for those little errors in punctuation and places where you may have had a cut-and-paste or a revision accident, and your essay will be even better than it already is.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Personal Statement (applying for Development studies) [5]

Greetings!

I'm not clear about the meaning of "Development studies," so maybe that's a good place to start!

If I were to ask you to explain this field to me, you would tell me all the things you think are important to know in order for me to understand. This makes you think about the most crucial elements in the field, and the areas you find most interesting. These are the things you want to talk about in your essay.

You don't need to explain developmental studies to the Admissions committee, of course, but you do need to state your goals for study and the things about which you are most enthusiastic. They want to know why they should choose YOU as a student in their program, and you need to provide them with some good reasons.

If you have special accomplishments in this area, let them know. Emphasize the elements of your character that will contribute to the program (maybe you are a very hard worker, or have particular knowledge in some areas, or have exceptional leadership abilities--anything that can be seen as an asset to the program and the school). You want to strike a balance between undue modesty and bragadoccio. If you are too modest, they won't see you as having anything to contribute to the school. If you brag too much, they may not believe you or want to work with you. Be honest, but let them know all your positive qualities.

The specific question asked is WHY you want to be in this course of study. There was obviously something about this program that you found attractive, or else you wouldn't have applied. Tell them what that was. Let them know that they are offering something special and valuable to you, and how you plan to take advantage of this opportunity.

I hope this gives you some idea of how to frame your essay. If you would like to post it after it is written, we'll be happy to look it over for you.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with my thesis on link between obesity and suicide [4]

Greetings!

That's an interesting topic, and one that may not have been explored much. Who knows--maybe you'll open a door to new research!

The first place I would look is in academic journals. I would start with the field of psychology, and then bariatrics (I think that is the field that studies obesity, right?). I assume you have access to a university library; they should have a database of academic journals available to you. Do a search on your topics, then decide which articles are most relevant. Asking a librarian for help would probably get you started in the right direction.

You can also look for books on the subject while you're in the library (again, the librarian could help you). I would do a search for "obesity" as a subject. When you find a book, check the index for the topic "suicide."

You can also do a search on the Internet for both your topics. This may lead you to the names of books and magazine or newspaper articles.

Good luck! I hope there is lots of information out there that you can use!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Resource paper on violence and kids [2]

Greetings!

You're off to a good start with your essay! You have stated your case and given one example. Other examples would help reinforce your point (and make your paper longer, of course!). And then you could write a conclusion paragraph to sum it all up.

I'll be glad to help get you started with proofreading. Let's take it line by line:

"Even in their early ages kids see and hear everything between their parents, but kids may not distinguish what's right and what's wrong and think that this is something they should do when grow-up."

It would be a good idea to state what you are referring to when you say "this." Maybe, ". . . think that arguing is something . . . " Also, I would start the sentence with, "Even at an early age, kids see . . . "

"A lot of today's teenagers living in violent families show signs of violence such as starting fights in school, substance abuse, joining gangs, and robberies ."

You need a comma after "violence." I think that extra space before the period is a typo, right? Also, it would be better to say ". . . and commiting robberies" at the end of the sentence.

"But everybody is different; we can't say 100% that kids will become violent."

I would switch this around a little: ". . . we can't say that 100% of these kids will become violent."

"Many traumatized kids seek the help of their friends or specialist."

Insert "a" before "specialist."

"An example of such heartbreaking story is Curtis Jackson or also knows as 50 Cent."

I would insert "one" before "such." I think you meant the last part to be something like, ". . . Jackson, also known as . . . "

"50 Cent lived without his father and was going back and forth from his mother's house to his grandparent's house."

The only problem here is that you're not supposed to start a sentence with a numeral. You could substitute "This popular rap star" (or "musician" or "hip hop artist") for his name. That way you also make it clear to the reader who he is and why his story is important to young people.

"After her death, at age of 13, 50 Cent took over her place."

This would be more clear if you said, "She died when 50 Cent was thirteen, and he took over her place in the family."

"He survived after a year of rehabilitating in the hospital."

"Rehabilitation" might be better than "rehabilitating."

"Now 50 Cent is of the most notorious rap starts in the world (50cent.com)."

I think you meant to say "one of the most" and "stars" rather than "starts."

"This is an example of how parents' behavior could affect the life of a child. In his case no parents were present after his mom died."

I don't think the second sentence is necessary, since you already made that point when you told his story. As for the first sentence, I would replace it with a statement that ties it to your next example: "Too many children experience the kind of childhood that 50 Cent had. Another example is the story of . . . " You may already have heard about other famous people who overcame childhood trauma; if not, you could Google your topic.

I hope this helps you with writing the rest of your essay. Keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The Changeable Hero In Celtic Culture...The Essay [2]

Greetings!

It's hard to focus when you have a deadline looming. Believe me, I know!

I think the point you're making is that stories about a hero have to change when a culture's circumstances change. If a country is invaded by a seafaring enemy, their heroes have to become expert sailors who can vanquish any attack from the sea.

You say you are focusing on religion, language and mythology. The mythology part is probably the least complicated, since it refers to a fixed set of stories. Do you notice an changes in the stories over time? Do the heroes change in any major ways (acquire new abilities, compromise their morals, develop new strategies for coping with an enemy, etc.)?

Changes in a country's religious beliefs (as when Christianity came to Ireland) would be bound to have an effect on stories about heroes. A hero in the Christian era would probably have an entirely different outlook from earlier, pre-Christian heroes.

As to language, that always changes over time. Is new vocabulary necessary to describe changing circumstances in a culture? Does that affect the way the hero-stories sound? You probably have a much better grasp than I do on the points you want to make about language.

Good luck! Breathe deeply, and listen for the muse whispering in your ear (that's what I always tell myself when I get stuck for an idea!).

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Burst of Rainbow. Compare contrast essay: skittles and starbursts [5]

Wow, I'm really surprised! I wonder why she kept lowering the grade?

One thing I've learned as a student is that sometime's it's hard to know just what a teacher is after. The best way to find out why she gave you that grade is to ask for her help in improving your essay. It sounds like whatever she was looking for, she didn't find it in your paper, but she'll have to tell you why not.

Sorry it turned out that way! I hope the next time things are better!

Sarah

Dissertations / Thesis - Relations of French and English Canadians [3]

Greetings!

Yes, I think you're right--that's too much information just for a thesis. You've gone from introducing your topic to explaining it in these paragraphs.

"During the 20th century the relations between the French and English Canadians were in tension, therefore it could lead to a separation of two large populations in Canada and create disorder in many aspects of the country. The change in Canadian Politics, Military, Culture and Economics also had an impact on their relations because there were many debates which were not agreed between the two sides."

This is your thesis paragraph. Usually a thesis can be stated in one sentence (unless your instructor has given you other directions). Can you condense this down to one sentence? Maybe something along the lines of: "Debates between French and English Canadians over politics, the military, culture and economics led to increasing tension during the 20th century that threatened separation and disorder throughout the country."

Then you use the body of your paper to elaborate, and conclude by summing up the problem and your arguments (and proposed solutions, if any). Sound good?

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay about the career opportunities [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay does a fine job of meeting the criteria for a "logical division of ideas." You begin with a paragraph that states the main idea, then the body of the text elaborates and give specific examples, and you end with a summary of your thesis. This is exactly what this type of essay is supposed to do.

Your English is excellent. I would, however, advise you to go through it carefully, looking for nouns that are missing an article ("the", "a", "an", etc.). Also, I would advise you to run a spell-check.

Your use of English is almost perfect--congratulations! I think you have a great career ahead of you.

Thanks for sharing your essay. Best of luck to you in all your endeavors!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / differences between men and women in a relationship [2]

Greetins, Paola!

Sounds like you'll be doing a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"-type essay, eh? Let's see, you might introduce your topic with an example of a misunderstanding in a relationship ("Jon gave Clarisse a leaf-blower for her birthday and couldn't understand why she hit him over the head with it. She'd been complaining about the leaves in the yard, after all." That sort of thing.) Then you could use the body of the paper to outline some of the most common types of assumptions about male and female relationship behaviors, and why the other gender finds them incomprehensible. Then conclude with a paragraph that restates your thesis and sums up the points you've made.

Do you have any resources to find out what the behaviors are that you'll be talking about? You'll undoubtedly be able to find relationship books in your local library, and the Web should have lots of information, since this is a popular topic. You can use your own experiences, of course, but it's always good to back them up with evidence from people who are experts in the field of relationships.

I hope this advice helps get you started. Just keep your topic in mind as you write each paragraph, and remember that you want to keep your reader interested, so use material that you find interesting. It's a great topic--I wish you the best of luck as you write!

Sarah, EssayForum.com