Graduate / Applying for a fellowship... [7]

Greetings!

It seems to me that this essay does an excellent job of answering their questions about your experiences, interests and career goals. Very nice!

Just a few little typos and small errors to correct:

Community centers were closing; violence and teen pregnancy were on the increase; and a noticeable cycle of generational poverty was present.

and my ability to network, I began my journey [add comma]

self-esteem [remove the space]

I volunteer at local women's shelters

Walk for Hunger [if it's the official name of the walk]

I helped renovate a local school

I also helped supply

And I'd just like to add that I'm awfully glad there are people like you who care so much!

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Gang Violence. "There will be an escalation in violence on streets" [2]

Greetings!

First I'll look at technical things like grammar, sentence structure and punctuation:

The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching its higher levels with each and every single day. - Leave out "its," you don't need it. Each and every single day is redundant and overly dramatic. Just say "The level of violence in cities seems to be reaching higher levels every day."

The newspaper in my hand with a statement from police chief "There will be an escalation in violence on streets, because of disputed drug deal between two gangs in Lower mainland".

- This sentence is a bit garbled. Are you saying that you are holding a newspaper that contains a statement by the chief? You need a verb in there somewhere, perhaps substituting "has" or "contains" for "with." You also need articles for the nouns: "the police chief," "the streets," "a disputed drug deal," "the lower mainland." Periods go inside the quotation mark in American English, but if you are in Canada, using British rules, the period goes outside if it is not part of the quote; however, here it is part of the quote, so put it inside.

The distressing part is these cons always safely get away, but most of the time are innocent bystanders who have to pay price. - You have inadvertently said that the cons are innocent bystanders. Make this two sentences: The distressing part is these cons always ["usually" would be more accurate perhaps?] get away safely. It is the innocent bystanders who pay the price.

Because usually these targeted shootings happen on public places. - This is a fragment. Say "Usually these shootings happen in public places." (I'm not sure that "targeted" shootings is appropriate.)

It could be park with innocent joggers, night time bars packed with innocent chaps happen to be there to relax and have fun after a whole day long work hard, and driveway shooting for targeted house could have hit neighbour er and walking by pedestrians . - This doesn't make a lot of sense. How about "It could be a park full of innocent joggers, a bar packed with patrons relaxing after a hard day at work, or a drive-by shooting which misses its targeted house and kills a neighbor or pedestrian."

I think only solution to this problem is by educating more and more youths about the consequeces they could face after getting into gang style life. - Better might be "The solution to this problem lies in educating young people about the consequences they could face from getting into the gang lifestyle."

Is this the whole essay? You might want to go more deeply into how the education could be accomplished. What sorts of programs are there to combat gangs? If there are none, or not enough, what needs to be done? If the essay is about proposing a solution, you might need to be just a bit more specific.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / THE 12th CENTURY RENAISSANCE; history class essay [5]

Greetings!

You are correct that the literal meaning of the word "renaissance" is "rebirth." It comes from a French word meaning "to be born again." However, in describing what that term actually means when applied to history, saying that there was a "new interest" in art, literature and learning would certainly be accurate. It just depends whether you are talking about the origin of the word "renaissance" itself, or are explaining what kind of rebirth took place. :-)

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / [about society] - Is this paragraph understandable? [3]

Greetings!

Yes, "understandable" is definitely a word! It's an adjective meaning "capable of being understood; comprehensible." If you tend to make adjectives out of verbs, it is understandable that you would ask this question. :-))

I don't find it dodgy; it makes sense to me! Just a suggestion or two:

"This is because every action has underlying motives and consequences." - I'd take out "This is because" and just start the sentence with "Every action has ..."

"the consequences of the action triggers later events." - Your subject, "consequences" is plural; use a matching verb: "trigger."

"One can't predict the future unless one knows the past." - Normally, in formal writing, we don't use contractions. Unless your instructor has told you otherwise, you should probably say "cannot" instead of "can't."

You maybe not be able to give quite the same perspective as someone who has actually been to America, but there is a lot of information online about American society. You might have to narrow it down to more specific terms in your search, such as the names of civil rights leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr. or Malcolm X, depending on the focus of your paper, since "American society" is too broad a search term.

I'm not sure if that is parallelism, as I understand the term. In rhetoric, parallelism means to give two or more parts of the sentences a similar form so as to give the whole a definite pattern. In grammar, parallelism is a balance of two or more similar words, phrases, or clauses within a sentence. Perhaps you know another definition involving paragraphs that I am not familiar with. Regardless of what you call it, I like the way your last sentence is a briefer summing-up of the first sentence.

Nice work so far!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / [about American people] - stuck with a sentence [3]

Greetings!

(And I apologize for the delay in getting back to you; I've been stuck in an ice storm without electricity.) That's an interesting question. It's a lot easier to come up with nicknames for specific states than the whole country. You could go with something descriptive, live "Britain's former colonists." Or, if you wanted something lighter, perhaps "Uncle Sam's offspring." (Uncle Sam is a recognized symbol for the U.S. but I added offspring to refer to its people.) You could also use 'children' or, for a slightly critical tone, 'Uncle Sam's errant offspring,' depending on the context.

I hope this helps. If I think of any more, I'll let you know!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / What subject to choose from for business English class? [2]

Greetings!

It can certainly be more difficult to choose a topic when the options are so wide open. I would suggest thinking about the reasons you chose that major. Why do you like it? What aspects of it interest you the most? Is there a particular area that you are thinking about specializing in? Are there certain tax laws that you think should be changed, which would affect accountants? What about ethics? Occasionally, there is a news story about an accountant who mishandled his clients' funds and ended up in jail. Could you write about one of those cases, or about how to avoid ethical problems?

If none of these ideas appeals to you, I would suggest you start with making a list of all the subtopics under accounting that you can think of. Then choose one of those subtopics and see if you can narrow it down further. You'll have to do a lot of narrowing to get from a broad topic like "Business" or "Accounting" to something small enough to handle.

I hope this gives you some ideas. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'A Night Classes program' - college application short response [5]

Greetings!

I'm sorry for the delay; the ice storm kept me from answering you sooner. If you haven't turned in your essay yet, I'd be happy to help you with editing it. Please let me know if you still need assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'In the Lord of the Flies...' - Part of an Essay [4]

Greetings!

I think your assessment of your work is much too harsh! I find very little about it to criticize and have only a couple of suggestions for revision:

"Simon, unlikely the other boys did not possess these faults and was therefore able to make this realization." - I think you must have meant, "Simon, unlike the other boys, did not possess these faults and was therefore able to make this realization."

"Just as the Lord of the Flies foreshadows, Simon does die in his attempt to warn the others; however, Simon was aware of the risks from the start, unfortunately, Simon's selfless characteristics resulted in him having greater concern for the other boys than for himself." - I'd suggest "Just as the Lord of the Flies foreshadows, Simon does die in his attempt to warn the others; however, Simon was aware of the risks from the start. Unfortunately, Simon's selfless characteristics resulted in his having greater concern for the other boys than for himself."

A question: are you sure "foreshadows" is the word you want? It means "to present an indication or a suggestion of beforehand." I will admit to being one of the few people in Western civilization who has never read this book. ;-) So, that may well be what you mean. But just check to make sure the Lord of the Flies was "foreshadowing" rather than "predicting." It depends whether it was more of a literary suggestion or a stated prediction by a character of a future occurrence. When you said "Just as the Lord of the Flies foreshadows" it sounds like something that was expressly stated by him.

I think you've done an excellent job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'In the Lord of the Flies...' - Part of an Essay [4]

I think you're probably right about that. Not that it's always a bad thing to be "forced" to read something in school ... but I suspect there are books written in the last 30 years that are worthy of attention, too. ;-))

You're welcome, and good luck!

Sarah

Essays / I Need Help With a Thesis Sentence for a Movie [2]

Greetings!

Before writing your thesis statement, you need to be clear on what argument(s) your essay will be making. That way, you can target your thesis to include those major points. Simply saying something like "The movie, 'A Knight's Tale,' contains many similar themes to the epic poem Beowulf, but has differences, too" is probably not going to make your instructor happy. What themes will you be discussing? What similarities do you see between the two? What differences? You might consider such things as mortality, heroism, social class, monarchial authority. How are they used in each?

Once you have decided on the direction your essay is heading, writing the thesis statement should be easier. For instance, if you wanted to talk about how the sub-plot of "courtly" or romantic love which is presented in the movie is one which was not in use during the time of Beowulf's writing, you might say something like "The movie, 'A Knight's Tale,' intertwines themes of heroism and social structure with an underlying quest for courtly love for which there was no social framework at the time the epic poem Beowulf was written."

This is only one of many possibilities. See what you can come up with!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'A Night Classes program' - college application short response [5]

Greetings!

I think you have written a good essay. It starts off strong, but I think could use a little bolstering toward the end. Here are some suggestions.

"give students academic helps." - should be "help."

"I have successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help" - your verb tense is confusing. I recommend saying "I successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which provided extra help ..."

"Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person." - This could be stronger. How about "Leadership is one of the most important skills a person can have in today's world."

"contacted with many people" - say either "connected with many people" or use "contacted" and take out "with."

"when I was a president." - just say "when I was president."

"I found that listening can provide a good leadership. So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college. In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions. Listening means thinking, since I can analysis what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from others speeches. College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world." - This paragraph has some grammatical problems and is hard to follow, logically. I'd suggest a re-write something like this:

"Being a good listener is an important skill for surviving in college. Listening relates to many other things: listening relates to thinking, since, by listening, I can analyze the way others think; listening relates to speaking, because in order for people to listen to me speak, I must first be a good listener; listening relates to learning, since I can learn by listening to others. I have found that, through listening, I can provide good leadership. College is the place where I will prepare myself in this small community for a future in the larger world."

Best of luck with your college applications!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Howard Community College, Essay for scholarship application [2]

Greetings!

Here are the changes I would suggest:

At 6:45 pm, after I said the last "goodbye" to my mother, I walked into the airport lounge. At 7:00 pm, the KE968 flight took off. In that moment, I left the place I had lived for seventeen years.

I saw an air stewardess hanging a "Merry Christmas" decoration on the cabin wall. Christmas had arrived. Even though that took place in China, western culture has gradually merged into this traditional country. Families became accustomed to reuniting on Christmas holidays; everyone else on this plane was going home, but me. I left my mother and was en route to another side of the world.

Now I have not seen my mother for a year. Every friend of mine here has his or her mother to be with. I always "complain" about this to my mother when I call her overseas. When someone's mother treats me like treats her daughter, I always feel thankful to her, and I start to miss my own mother. I envy my friends. I tell my mother how unfair it is to me; I want to go to the airport to buy a ticket and back to my country; I tell her I should have stayed with her, but I did not. Even though my mother is far away from me, I can always feel her love. Even though she can not support me in everything in my life, she gives me the important thing - my heart. "A daughter's heart comes from a part of her mother's heart," an old Chinese maxim says.

The reason I can still smile in front of the world, why I can still enthusiastically strive for my dream, is because of my mother. Life is about choices. My mother has given me the opportunity to either choose to enhance my future, or stay stagnate. Although the sacrifice is great, I have chosen to enhance my education. Although China offers a rigorous educational system, the American education is more appealing to a student. We are encouraged to expand our horizons, and to learn outside of the textbook world. We are taught to use what we learn in the classroom and to apply it to our daily lives.

My mother has given me an opportunity to choose. And I've chosen to be the best student I can be. Even though my days are challenging, and at times I ask myself why life must be so hard at the age of eighteen, I remember my mother's loving eyes and remember the choice I've made - the responsibilities I've taken on. Howard Community College is a prestige school with great diversity. This institution offers not only a strong educational opportunity, but also the opportunity to grow as an Asian American woman through cultural diversity and a sense of community.

Best of luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "The stangest thing i ever stole" - English Essay [3]

Greetings!

First, I'm guessing you meant "strangest"? It's a provocative title and an interesting assignment. Can it be fictional? Or does your instructor actually want you to cop to a misdemeanor (or, worse, a felony!)? ;-)) If it can be fiction, that gives you loads of leeway. You could come up with something that appeals to you, personally. For example, if you like to read science fiction, you could write about how you stole parts from an alien spaceship that crash-landed on Earth. If you prefer sports, you could write about stealing second base -- the actual base -- from Yankee Stadium.

If, on the other hand, you really are supposed to write from your life, that's a little trickier. You want to be careful what you admit to, just in case you ever run for President. ;-) Did you steal your best friend's idea for a science fair project? Your next-door neighbor's rocker/recliner remote control? The great thing about "the strangest thing" is that you can have fun with this.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / RESEARCH PAPER ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING; I just got into high school [4]

Greetings!

Fortunately, there is a lot of information online about global warming. It's a fairly broad topic, though, so first, you should probably decide what focus you want your paper to have. You'll want to start with a definition of global warming, of course. Then, you may want to give a brief history of the debate about global warming. For some years, many scientists maintained that it was a myth. Recently, global warming has come into mainstream thinking as more fact than theory. Depending on whether this is for a science class or some other class, you may want to discuss the scientific reasons that most people now accept global warming as a real danger. And what are the dangers? What do the people of Earth have to look forward to if global warming is not addressed? Is it too late already?

I suspect that once you start doing internet searches, you'll find many helpful sites that can get you started. Once you've got some ideas fleshed out, let me know if I can help with some more questions or editing!

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Influencing the future' - COMMON APP - Person with siginificant influence [3]

Greetings!

I think you have a great start here! I do have a few suggestions. I'm not sure I'd start out a college admission essay talking about the potty dance. If you could find a different sort of anecdote, I think it'd be a good idea. I like what you said about Ms. Slack at the end, but your reference to her seemed to come from out of nowhere. If you could start with a story about something that happened in her classroom, and then tie it in at the end with substantially the same last paragraph that you have now, it would give your piece a sense of completion.

Also, a few editing notes:

full fill = fulfill
judge-mental = judgmental
dwindled = dwindle
self motivation = self-motivation
that year, Completing two years = that year. Completing two years
After a full days of classes = After a full day of classes
arrive home at nine do my homework = arrive home at nine, do my homework

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with Law and Contracts Assignment! [5]

Greetings!

The almighty Sarah thanks you! And you're in luck, because I know a little about arbitration. :-) Here are a few of the advantages:

1. Cost - As everyone knows, litigation is horribly expensive. Paying a good attorney hundreds of dollars an hour for thousands of hours of work on litigation is a bank-breaking proposition for smaller companies and an outcome even corporate giants naturally wish to avoid. Arbitration avoids the lengthy discovery process, including depositions and interrogatories, and cuts prep time for lawyers drastically. The actual arbitration itself may be able to be done in one day, depending on the complexity of the case. From a cost perspective, it's a no-brainer.

2. Timeliness - Not only is litigation costly, it can take, literally, years to get a case to court. Court systems are overburdened, dockets clogged, and even if that weren't the case, the nature of litigation, with all its rules, statute-imposed time frames, and discovery process, is designed to be an extended event. Arbitration can shave years off the time it takes to get a conflict resolved.

3. Ease - Let's face it: nobody wants to get subpoenaed and have to go sit in a witness box and testify. It's time that could be spent much more productively and is also likely to be very stressful. With arbitration, the parties' participation is limited (no depositions or interrogatories) and the time you do spend in front of the arbitrator making your case is in a less stringent atmosphere for a shorter period of time.

4. Finality - Most arbitration is binding. When the arbitrator makes his or her decision, that's it: you're done. There's no lengthy appeals process that drags on for years and keeps the parties in limbo. This ties in with numbers 1, 2 and 3, above.

That should be enough to get you started! Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Once I was....., now I am..... - Essay [3]

Greetings!

I like this kind of assignment, because it gives you the chance to be creative -- and even humorous. There are several ways to do this. You could go for contrast:

Once I was a shopaholic, now I am broke.
Once I was an optimist, now I am a realist.

Or use words in a humorous way:

Once I was delusional, now I'm institutional.
Once I was static, now I'm electric.
Once I was a mushroom, now I am a fun guy.
Once I was always right, now I am still always right. :-)

Hope these ideas will get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "My weekend" - essay writing ideas [2]

Greetings!

The hardest part about writing is getting started! First of all, give yourself permission to just get something down on paper (or screen) without worrying about how good it is. If you can write about any weekend in your life, choose one where something fun or unusual happened. If you need to write about your most recent weekend, where not a lot was going on, you'll want to make it interesting by the details you include.

In any writing, including details that paint a picture and draw the reader into your story will make reading it a pleasurable experience. For example, you could just say, "It was a typical weekend. I ate breakfast, then went to the mall and bought a sweater." Ho hum! How boring is that?

So, jazz it up with some good description and metaphor: "I woke up with a growl in my stomach worthy of a bear emerging from hibernation. Breakfast was sausage and eggs for me -- I needed strength for the coming battle: Saturday at the mall. I could feel that glorious, pink cashmere sweater calling my name and knew I could resist its siren song no more."

See the difference? It's all in the details. Once you've gotten a draft ready, I'd be happy to have a look at it for you. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'Eleven' - A personal response essay about a short story [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some feedback! I think I see what your professor is saying about the opening paragraph. It lacks cohesion and is a bit confusing. I think you could leave off the first sentence entirely; the second sentence sounds like a good way to start. The following two sentences are where I lost you a bit (particularly not having read the story). If you were to describe a bit more clearly what happened with the sweater, it might flow better. "The story aptly illustrates the importance of image to a young girl and the frustration and humiliation she faces in the light of unfair accusations" or something like that.

Here are a few grammatical hints, with corrections in bold:

the way she establishes certain parts of the story

at the end of the fifth paragraph

This makes her writing style very effective

relate with the main character the way most readers can with Rachel

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "ART IS A FORM OF PROBLEM SOLVING"- Undergrad SOP/ Graphic Design [2]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay -- congratulations! I have just a few suggestions to make it even stronger.

You could strengthen your opening by making the reference to your teacher more immediate, like this:

"Art is a form of problem-solving," my high school art teacher said. "But unlike math, in art there is never a single correct solution." He aimed his pencil toward the class, pointing at each student in turn. "Each one of us has a chance to create solutions." My interest in art and design has continued to grow since that time.

See how making it like a story draws the reader in? And the sentence which follows the action flows naturally from the story, rather than abruptly switiching gears to say "My interest in art and design has continued to grow since I was quite young"

A couple of editing suggestions, too:

"planning and organizing of elements of art in such a way which is best to accomplish a certain purpose" - would be better as "planning and organizing artistic elements in a way which best accomplishes a certain purpose"

"majoring in the Graphic Design course" - say "majoring in graphic design"

"characteristics required for a design success" - take out "a"

"not only gain first hand experience, but a major plus point would be" - when you say "not only" you should follow with "but also" -- but since you did that in the previous sentence, you could just say "I would gain first-hand experience and benefit from the rich cultural and ethnic diversity."

"carry a notebook for our recording purpose" - better might be "carry a notebook to record our observations."

"16 hours exam was always very demanding in patience and tested our persistence. " - should be "sixteen-hour exam was always very demanding of our patience and tested ..." although it might sound better to say "our demanding sixteen-hour exam tested our patience and persistence ..." Using "lengthy sixteen-hour" is redundant.

"I have also experimented book jacket covers" - I think you left out "with" after "experimented"

"It would infuse the knowledge needed to cope" - Avoid the passive voice. Consider instead saying something like "I would gain the knowledge needed to cope"

"as taught by Savannah in order to" - put a comma after "Savannah"

"the people themselves - the viewers and the listeners - the target." This is something of a judgment call, but I think it should be "the people themselves -- the viewers and the listeners: the target.

Very good job. Good luck with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Correct word use? "Without a leader to guide our people..." [4]

Greetings!

Good questions! To your first one, I should first point out that the word is "populace" not "populance." Second, "loose grains" is plural and requires a matching verb: "are" instead of "is." Now, let's look at the sentence as a whole. Since you refer to them as "our people," it would sound better to say "we": "Without a leader to guide our people, we would be like loose grains of sand that are easily washed away by the tide." To me, that sounds best. :-)

Now then, a liberal arts expert. Hm, that's a puzzler. "Liberal arts" can include languages, literature, history, philosophy, mathematics, and science, so it's hard to imagine one person being an expert in ALL those things. I'd have to see it in context before I could give you a good catch-all term. My suspicion is that it might be better to be less general and more specific.

If you'd like to post what you are working on, I'd be happy to see what I can come up with.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / History Paper on Revolutions [3]

Greetings!

First, let me say you've done an excellent job here. Very good work! I'll make a few suggestions and try to help with the sentences you pointed out.

"better engineered roads" - should probably be "better-engineered roads"

"coining the idea of a 'traditional family.' " - I've heard of coining a phrase, but not of coining an idea. Also, surely the roles of men working outside the home and women working within the home existed long before the Industrial Revolution?

"in the Western society" - you use this phrase several times. The accepted way to say it would be "in Western society."

"The Declaration of Independence justified the right of the governed people" - I'm not sure "justitifed" is the correct word here. What about "proclaimed" or "established"?

"The American Revolution had a fundamental impact on political views by spreading and encouraging republican ideals both nationally and to the rest of Europe. The revolution's social impact was minor. Despite the upturn of a local government over a distant one, there was essentially no notable change in the life of the common people. These two sentences are awkward. How can I incorporate the idea of these two sentences while keeping the flow from the previous sentence? "

OK, how about this:

"The American Revolution had a fundamental impact on political views by spreading and encouraging republican ideals both nationally and throughout Europe. The revolution's social impact, however, was minor. Replacing a distant government with a local one brought about no notable change in the lives of the common people."

"The Russian Revolution of 1917 was another movement that promoted equality, though more economically than politically." - If you are describing the type of equality that was promoted, say "...movement that promoted equality, though more economic than political."

Your writing is very good! I think you should be in excellent shape, grade-wise. Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Themes in Macbeth: Consequences of Corruption [11]

You make a good point -- more member input would be great! Why not think of it like this: the moderators have their role and the members have theirs as well. While you might get somewhat more technical advice from a moderator, student input can be very helpful, as it comes from a different perspective. It's been many a year since I was an undergrad (or a graduate/professional school student, for that matter), and sometimes it can be helpful to hear what someone in your own situation has to say.

And I'd certainly never claim to have all the answers!

Thank you for your comments. :-))

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Genocide Essay [2]

Greetings!

Well, you certainly make some valid points here! You don't say what the exact assignment was. I'm a little unclear on what the thesis of your essay is. It seems to be "Genocide is bad. How could anyone commit genocide? I have no idea." Whatever the assignment was intended to accomplish, make sure that it does so.

I like the way you start with the "struggling artist ends up in homeless shelter and becomes cold-blooded dictator" bit. However, you throw in "the fear for you own safety and the belief that your race, religion or life choice is superior over that of someone else" without explanation. How do you know this? Where did these beliefs come from? How did Hitler arrive at these beliefs?

I also like the anecdote about the neighbor sending the thugs next door, but again, the transition to talking about it being "a flaw in most humans" is rather abrupt. From the action in the neighbor's house to suddenly talking about the psychology of human beings seems almost as if there are two different papers going on here.

Perhaps if I knew exactly what instructions you were given with regard to the assignment, I could give you more direction. These are the impressions I can give you now.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / struggling with admission essay question. [2]

Greetings!

These are good questions! I think a paragraph on your strengths, with examples to back them up, a paragraph on your weaknesses (doesn't have to be as long! ;-)) and perhaps combining your motivation with what separates you from other applicants -- that might work well. Then another paragraph for the final question about HU, which can probably also serve as your conclusion.

If, after writing it, you feel it's too all-over-the-place, you can always try combining paragraphs, but it seems to me that if you are answering the specific questions asked, you will be right on target.

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Themes in Macbeth: Consequences of Corruption [11]

Aww, thanks! Well, if you have to get older, at least you can get wiser! ;-))

Essays / Unless guided by knowledge and insight, power will destroy us - how to start? [4]

Greetings!

I'm sorry, but we don't write essays for students here. Have you tried using "Macbeth" and "Lord of the Flies" together in an internet search? I think you'll find that the two have been compared before and that they share some common themes. You can try searching both works separately with "themes" to find out what the major themes of the works are, if you're having trouble with that. Be sure that when you refer to "Macbeth" in your essay, you don't refer to it as a novel; it's a play.

If you'd like me to have a look at it when you've got a rough draft, I'd be happy to. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Application to The University Of Mary Washington 250-500 words [3]

Greetings!

What a wonderful essay! I really enjoyed it. Particularly impressive is the last sentence. It does a great job of summing up, in one sentence, what you have told us about yourself in the preceding paragraphs, and linking them in a way that makes the reader smile.

I have just a few little editing suggestions:

"Spirit Of The Game", - In American English, commas ALWAYS go inside the quotation mark (except that, when referring to a single letter, like "Q", it goes outside like that).

often hanging out with the team that we had just obliterated us on the field. - take out "we"

I feel our current culture suffers from a lack of principle, everyday people are willing to bend their morals to attain their goals. - the comma after "principle" should be either a semicolon or period. I think period might be best. Also, in this context, "every day" is two words. "Everyday" means something ordinary or usual, like "She was wearing her everyday jeans."

Politicians - don't capitalize it.

resource rich lands - hyphenate this adjective: "resource-rich"

My academic interest focus on - say either "interests focus" or "interest focuses"

I don't want to add to the problem by becoming an activist against this or for that, my goal is a shift of political perspective. - the comma should be a semicolon (or period).

Great job! Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Ideas for beginning my essay on Mobile Phones and their impact on life [10]

Greetings!

I hope you still have time to submit it. We can't promise instant service, but we do try to answer within 24 hours.

On an assignment like this, I find lists helpful. What are the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones?

Advantages:

1. Safety; you have access to emergency help if you need it.
2. Convenience: you don't have to look for a pay phone to call someone.
3. Staying connected: you won't miss important calls, whether from friends, employers, or others.

Disadvantages:

1. Expense: who needs another monthly bill?
2. Distraction: while driving, or doing other potentially dangerous tasks, you can be distracted by a ringing phone or ongoing conversation.
3. Annoyance: sometimes you don't really want to turn your phone off, in case you're expecting a call from that one special person, but would rather not be bothered by other callers; also, your call may be annoying to those around you.

In short, mobile phones can be both our friends and our enemies!

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Describe a potential classmate you believe you could learn from [5]

Greetings!

I think this is a very fine essay! You have given a lot of thought to the characteristics you'd like a classmate to have.

I have just a couple of editing suggestions:

If the quotation from Henry Ward Beecher is his exact words and not a paraphrase, you should put it in quotes.

"My classmate should be good in studies and show a positive attitude towards learning new things so that I can be helped by him in studies whenever I want and can be motivated to learn new things." Rather than using the passive voice, consider re-writing it something like this:

"My classmate should be a good student and show a positive attitude towards learning new things so that he can help me with my own studies and motivate me to embrace new ideas."

I think you're in good shape here. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison of past thirty years of special education [5]

Greetings!

You've made a great deal of improvement! Good job!

I replied to your earlier posting before I saw this one. Some of the suggestions I made there are still applicable. In addition, I've noted a few more suggestions:

"the earlier a child receives the services the more they will benefit." - "a child" is singular; "they" is plural (yes, I know, most people say it that way nowadays, but it's still not accepted as proper English). Better would be to say "the earlier children receive services ..."

"In 1975 the federal government promised that they would pay 40% of the cost to educated children with disabilities, " - I think you must mean "educate" rather than "educated."

"The Individualized Education Plan was first developed in a meeting that included a representative from the local educational agency, a teacher, parent, and in some cases, the student."

"There was only one plan during that time and it was for school age children. Today the IEP is developed in a team meeting and now a second plan for infants and toddlers, the Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP)." - If I understand your meaning correctly, this is a fragment. And now a second plan ... what?

I think you're doing a good job of developing this essay. Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison of past thirty years of special education [5]

Greetings!

I think you've done an outstanding job of working on your essay until it evolved from a rough draft to a very good finished product. :-))

The only change I would suggest is to this sentence:
"The education for children with disabilities has improved greatly, in the last thirty years." I'd take out "The" and begin with "Education ..." and also take out the comma. It's interesting to note that when the sentence is inverted, as in your first sentence, the comma is needed, but here it is not.

You've worked very hard and it shows!

Thanks,

Sarah, EsaayForum.com

Writing Feedback / My most recent discovery is Japanese music, J-ROCK [11]

Greetings!

What an interesting insight into a little-known (at least to me) sub-culture! I think the essay is well-written, expressing your fascination with J-rock without gushing effusively, as essays of this type sometimes do. I do have a few suggestions for you:

"I continued my hunt (search, pursuit?)" - I think any of these words are fine, though I think I like "hunt" the best.

"in 1999 he decided to go solo due to unknown reasons." - This struck me as a little odd when I read it. Are the reasons unknown to everyone, or just you? If he refused to tell the world his reasons (which sounds in keeping with his personality), how about saying, "he decided to go solo for reasons known only to him" or "he decided to go solo, but gave no reason for doing so."

I think it might help to have some sort of transition after this sentence: "Many people would most likely describe him as odd, and I guess they're somewhat right." Perhaps before launching into his childhood story, say something like: "Gackt's 'differentness' dates all the way back to his childhood. He began to see himself as an outsider ..." etc.

"After his near-death experience (or death experience as he states), he has had the ability to see the dead. His family didn't believe him, though." - You're switching tenses here. Instead of saying "he has had" just say "he had the ability ..."

The episode where he collapsed at age ten is a little confusing, because it seems at first to be related to his near-drowning ("When he was ten, however"), and then not to be. Leaving out the "however" would help. Also, saying he had to be hospitalized at a hospital sounds redundant. You might wait to explain that it was a hospital for very sick children until the sentence about his friends in the ward dying. "It was a hospital for gravely ill children, and he had to watch his friends in the ward die, one after the other. This had a profound effect on him."

"Unique" is a word that is often abused these days. By definition, it means there is only one; therefore, something cannot be "really unique" or "so unique." You can just say "Compared to European/American bands they are unique." (Put an "s" on "band.")

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / My most recent discovery is Japanese music, J-ROCK [11]

Greetings!

OK, let's take these questions in order. First of all, yes, "abnormality" is a word, and you can use it there. Another way to say it might be "Gackt's deviation from the norm" if you like the sound of that better.

Say "he was born in the year 1540 ..."

It sounds redundant to say "continuously more and more ..." I think I'd leave out "continuously."

Perhaps instead of "acting normally" you could say he "began imitating what he perceived to be 'normal' behavior, which eventurally convinced his doctors to release him." And I'd go with "This experience had a profound effect on him."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison of past thirty years of special education [5]

Fantastic!! I'm so glad!!! You are very, very welcome!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / My most recent discovery is Japanese music, J-ROCK [11]

You're welcome and yes, you're quite right, I meant "eventually.". Even I make typos! :-)))

Sarah

Speeches / Demonstration Speech Topics [3]

Greetings!

Sometimes deciding on a topic is far more difficult than doing the actual assignment! Apparently, you are required to actually demonstrate the activity you choose, so it has to be something that you are capable of doing yourself, which is a bit of a challenge for me, as I don't know you. But I will throw out a few ideas and maybe one of them will work for you.

- How to use a digital camera

- How to sell an item on eBay

- How to polish stones to make jewelry (this might require a polisher)

- The proper way to build a campfire (you'd probably have to stop short of actually lighting it)

- How to make custom t-shirts with iron-on transfers

- How to do a PowerPoint demonstration

- How to make paper

- How to refinish a table

- How to build a birdhouse

- How to give a good massage (I'll bet you could find a volunteer to receive a massage!)

- If you speak a foreign language, you could demonstrate how to make introductions in that language.

I hope these ideas are helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay about the disappointments you faced in life [3]

Greetings!

We can't promise a response within three hours, but I hope I can still be of some help.

Sometimes an essay starts off in one direction and ends up in another. That's the problem I see here. You start out sounding as if you will be telling about numerous problems: "my life was in fact an ocean of endless problems ..." You then launch into "The first disappointment" revolving around your mother's cancer. However, everything you mention thereafter is related to "the situation at home." After discussing this one "disappointment" your troubles are over. It leaves the reader thinking, "Wait, that was the first disappointment, what was the second? the third?"

I doubt if it is true that you haven't faced ANY disappointments in life. They may, however have been relatively small ones, compared with something life-threatening like cancer. But haven't you ever been lied to by a friend, or not won a spelling bee, or had to watch your school's team lose an important game, or wanted something for your birthday that you didn't receive? Even the small everyday disappointments of life can be interesting if you write about them in enough detail that the reader will know how you felt.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The big difference - book report [2]

Greetings!

First of all, take a de-e-e-e-p breath!! You're going to be just fine! :-))

The difference between a book report and a book review lies in how in-depth your paper is. A
book report summarizes the plot; it is essentially a re-hash of the story. A review, on the other hand, is much more in-depth. It analyzes the themes and ideas of the book, and may also explore the text's significance and relevance to the place and time of the story's setting.

If you're meant to do a book report, rather than a review, that should be a somewhat easier starting point for you! Once you've written it, I'd be happy to read it and give you editing suggestions if you'd like to post it here.

Congratulations on your new educational pursuits!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 8-paragraph compare & contrast essay [5]

Greetings!

You do a good job of explaining the difference between hydrogen electric motors and internal combustion electric motors. Very interesting!

One thing that might help with your punctuation is to read your essay aloud to someone. Come to a complete stop at every period, and only pause slightly at a comma. In this way, you (or your friend who is listening) should be able to hear if the periods and commas are in the right places for your words to make sense.

Also, make sure that when you ask a question, you end your sentence with a question mark. "Right now our cars run on gas, so how can we convert to hydrogen?" and "It doesn't make it very far, does it?" (There were a number of errors in that sentence; compare my version with yours.) However, normally, one does not address questions to the reader in an essay like this. If you are presenting it orally to the class, though, that's probably fine.

You have a few misspellings of the sort that spell check won't catch, because they are also real words -- just not the right words. :-) "Witch" should be "which" ... and it should come after a comma, not a period; you have a sentence fragment.

Go through your essay very carefully and make sure that all your sentences end with the appropriate punctuation mark and start with a capital letter. Do not capitalize nouns that are not proper nouns, like hydrogen and performance.

You have quite a few sentence fragments like this: 'Now that we have looked over hydrogen in internal combustion engine and in fuel cells running electric motors." -- Now that we have looked them over ... what happens? It will make sense if you take out "that" and connect your two fragments, like this: "Now we have looked over hydrogen in internal combustion engines and in fuel cells running electric motors, and on the basis of cost, performance, and implementation, the hydrogen internal combustion engine is the preferable solution."

You have a bit more editing to do, but stick with it and you'll have a fine essay!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com