Ok first. this has no coherence whatsoever. It seem like you want to integrate others ideas into your thesis, hence all the quotes, and that's great, but to write an essay, you need to have an opening paragragh that states your thesis. Then the next paragraphs support your thesis and this is a good place to use other's ideas to support your own, as long as you give them credit for their ideas. In your last paragraph you sum up your thesis with a conclusion.
Good ideas here that i expanded on to give an idea of how an essay should flow. begin with your thesis(main idea) then explain your idea, then sum up. I personally don't care for "first of all, second of all" so i edited them out... the next paragraph is sufficient to explaining that you are moving on to your next point. :)
Every person admires someone. She taught me to keep moving even though I'm close to giving up, she believes that there is always something special waiting for me; " You just need to have your faith and believe in yourself."
During my childhood life there are times that I hated her because she would often scold me, but then I realized why she does that. becauseI t's theirher way of showing theirher love and that, it is not usme that theyshe go t mad at, it's what weI did wrong. You could also give an example of how she helped you learn from a mistake and how that ties into why you admire her so much. (am still working on it) Good so far :)
I have not read these two novels, but your writing on them makes me want to read them. It seems like your leaning toward a thesis about the effects of isolation since that is a theme in both novels. Really well written.
I really like the way you go into the description of biology and it's importance in global change and then go on to say that is the reason for your chosen major. I think that this is very well written.
My ambition in life is to become a product designer and entrepreneur. I want to design and create innovative new products that will revolutionize the way people live and make their lifelives better - similar to what Steve Jobs did.
This is a great and impressive essay. It's wonderful to read about someone who knows what they want to do with their life and knows what to do in order to get there. Best of luck to you :)
I would definitely Bold the headings as i have done here. you could also at the very beginning, after your name and contact info, start with the heading- Objective - and write a sentence or 2 about what your goal is for this resume... whether it be to gain experience in a certain profession or college learning experience. you could also write about the kind of job you have your mind set on. Very good resume. It shows you are well educated. Best of luck to you
I think this is very well written. At the very and would be the perfect place to add in.. I'm proud to have been a part of this effort and have been inspired to continue doing this kind of work in my life...etc. or something to that effect. I think that would tie it together nicely. and i do think that you showed that is wasn't just a one way relationship
yes, because you show how your family has influenced and shaped the way you will pursue your dreams and aspirations..and that is, through determination and hardwork. You could add that in there too if you want. :) best of luck
They say a dog is man's best friend.W ell, mine is a game controller. Be it Microsoft Sidewinder or Logitech wingman gamepad extreme, it just doesn't matter to me. I just stare at the computer screen at times while playing a game and marvel at what lines of code can create, so I hope you don't find it wierd.
I look foward to meeting you and hope you play games so we can challenge each other at FIFA 12 and AREA 51. Until then, Kevin.
How about, not necesarily "gay", but what about "love" as a topic. Or something completely different "War", or the concept of "God" that most people have, but have different names for it in different religions. just a few ideas for you best of luck
By attending the Bienen School of Music, my overall experience of playing at a professional level would grow exponentially, enabling me to be better prepared after leaving college.
This is very well written, in my opinion. I gather from this, that the unique characteristists are the world renowned faculty, the unique opportunities that could arise from attending such a school, and that it is a highly challenging and competitive academic school. Best of luck :)
MegaBloks, my younger sister, and computer-aided design. These three have assembled the person I am today. As I flipped through my issue of Servo Magazine, I sensed that my sketches arewere merely amateur.
Although my fascination with robots began with busy parents and Lego pieces, it resulted in taking care of my sister, designing my own robots, and desiring a career in which I will be exuberant and capable in .
not bad at all. You could re write the first couple of sentences though only because it seems awkward for the first sentence to be a list of things. :)
I think this does tell what kind of person you are. You are definitely describing a personal quality. It says to me that you are organized and detail oriented and how that helps you on a daily basis and that puts you ahead of the game. pretty smart. i wish i could get my 7 year old to clean her room without being told. :)
I know how it feels to see loved ones lose everything they have.and I have seen too many tears and I want to help end it and help others restart their lives onto the right path.
It's really great that you know exactly what you want to do at this college. Having a plan for success is key. :)
They let me know that it is the chance to become something in my life.
Your first sentence gives the impression that you are going to answer question one. You're very detailed in the first few sentences and then it becomes vague statements. maybe elaborate more? :)
Through this I acquired(ascertained, grasped, understood, learned?) that learning can be enjoyable, and isn't a mere chore. I was given an opportunity that my parents never were given.You could elaborate more hereT hey let me know that it is the chance to become something my life. Responsibility was handed to me in order for me to excel in all the things I do.
you've only addressed one question. the answer is pretty vague and scattered though.
Mr. Binkowski is the most intimidating teacher I have ever met and he challenged what I thought an English course should be.
For the first time, an English course seemed to have more substance than the regurgitation of facts. andThis encouraged me to understand the experiences being conveyed in the literature and what they suggested.
Yet, feelingThough I felt infinitely little,I had an infinitely simple answer: voice.
Wow. I think this is really good. I think ants are a perfect metaphore for what you are describing. How small one can feel amongst a crowd of so many other people. The perspective is really interesting.
Perhaps more at the end about psychology to tie together the prompt of "and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
In his mind, XX only taught myme Chinese; in reality, he taught me much more.
Last year, a freshman came up to me in Pre-Calculus with a furrowed brow and pursed lips and told me he was struggling with the trigonometric properties that they were learning.
I smiled too; this was the same way XX taught me to learn Chinese.
This is good. you wrote of the person who influences you, how he influenced you, and the manner in which you applied the influence.:)
I enjoyed reading your essay, or rather, the story of your struggle with having a learning disability. Conquering your education despite your learning disability is quite an accomplishment. I'd like to see you mention something that is motivating you to move forward with your accomplishments, like specific goals you set for yourself and a plan to make it happen. :)
maybe one about, your own personal goals, acedemic goals, spiritual goals, what kind of person you strive to be... something you are passionate about. an experience that means a lot to you and has shaped you to be who you are...
interesting topic. I think that if you are finding not enough "meat on bones" you could combine them if they integrate well into your thesis statement. or rather, find a different argument. I'm just not sure how genetics play into attachment, but if you can find info to support that, than you'd have a good argument. Think about the effects that different styles of parenting can have on attachment, while also taking into consideration, stress and trauma surrounding the situation. :)
This is very good and honest. It might be better to show your specific dreams and asperations, other than you want to keep your life out of poverty. What would you like to do in your life? maybe follow in your father's footsteps and have a job like his? A plan to keep your secure life permanent?
this is nicely written. the only thing i might suggest is to have an intoductory sentence/paragraph. Something in the first paragraph that ties together your last paragraph.. something to do with the Henry David Thoreau quote and finding your own niche. :)
Ok, so i read this earlier and really like the way this was written, but just couldn't get over the dolphin aspect. That is until i researched it and found out that you are most likely talking about the dolphin fish, known by most people from their Hawaiian name, mahi mahi or by their Pacific coast name, Dorado. Really, you should specify this or it really will give the wrong impression. you did mention mahi mahi, but then you kept saying dolphin, so i was confused
just try to think of when you first heard of the college. do you know of others who have attended and inspired your decision? Have you always wanted to go there? Is there a major there that really sparks your interest? :)
The Huntsman Program and the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business will not only provide the strongest foundation for my dream to start a transnational business, but will also allow me to develop into a global-oriented leader who is prepared to make the choices needed to improve society in the 21st century.
My stress level rose quickly and Mrs. Defusco reassuringly said
That night I didn't sleep a second. I continued to dread my responsibilities as a leader and kept kicking myself for giving in to Mrs. Defusco's nomination so quickly.
My potential for that day, and age, began to be recognized. I now look to leave that comfort zone again of home and community and wonder, "Who will be my next Turkey Lady?"
this is really great :) I think you're right, the end needs something to tie it all together and reflect how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
The University of Florida is the optimal university for meeting new people because of its vast majority of diverse peoples. Maybe something more about how your unique perspective will add something wonderful to the University community. Good luck :)
yes, "on the weekend" is correct then again, you could take part of the sentence out too, and that would be another way to say it.
To relieve psychological burden, citizens need some ideal diversion to increase mutual understanding and ease their minds, such as enjoying a wonderful football game with colleagues on the weekend or taking a day trip to a theater.
As I completed Advanced Honors French III my sophomore year, I contemplated whether i should continueing French for another year or yet again expanding my knowledge of another new language.
or As I completed Advanced Honors French III my sophomore year, I contemplated continuing French for another year orand yet again expanding my knowledge of athe language.
I jumped onat the opportunity.
good writing, I had some trouble seeing where you were going with that one line. maybe rewording it would help
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