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Posts by polk540
Joined: Oct 10, 2011
Last Post: Nov 29, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 16  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 21
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Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / (how I helped my grandma become a US citizen) a good idea for my UC prompt #2? [4]

Sorry if it is offensive, but you are pretty late to write an essay. So you may or must be very active for nights.
how I helped my grandma become a US citizen -->benefits to her and you??? and what kind of abilities did you employ?
I would spend hours of my time baking cakes/brownies to sell at school to help her with the fees -> it might be little childish OR very touching, so you must make this part polished and sincere.

--> you may simplify this story into several sentecnes and tell more about YOU
college app essays are about YOU so that eventually you should tell about how you have figured out your abilities and how would they contribute to UC and society and your future?
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 - You Hyundai for Making Our School Better [2]

Please help me improving this drafty essay!@!! We got not much time left!!!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I was proud to witness a miracle at Alabama: at field trip to Hyundai Motor Manufacturing Alabama at Montgomery, we saw signs from schools to houses, saying "Thank You Hyundai for Making Our School Better," and "Thank You Jesus for Bringing KIA to Our Town!" in the way of trip, I was thrilled to explain to American friends how the factory works and how this benefits local economy.

I am from Korean community of Eastern Alabama, where admixture of Korean origin at American influence intertwines to seek opportunities to improve relation between Korean and American.

When I stepped down in the deep southern state of Alabama, a new chapter of automobile business unfolded, and I have been writing the rest story with my improving local relation between American and Korean. Here in Eastern Alabama, automobile industry is growing miraculously, which is led by Korean companies. I am part of a growing Korean community that is creating a vibe to regional economy and cultural diversity to the society. I learned work ethic from my work experience at Daewon America, auto-parts company for automobile companies of Southeast; it helped me envisioning how Korean community is assembled through this business and why I should improve relationship between Korean and American. As a quality manager, I am proud to hear that Korean automobile companies in America have better units per hour (measure of industrial production) than any other companies in the world. Not only I but also Americans learn work ethic from those businesses. From news in Korea, I hear how the business has boosted Eastern Alabamian economy and how Americans learn work ethic.

From my community, I learn that education is not just for career but is for giving back to community. As American churches donated land to build Auburn-Opelika Korean Church, Korean community gives back invaluable humanitarian works and educational aids to American; many local professors from Korea organize educational programs to help Americans in Alabama; Korean automobile businesses in Alabama offer American teachers an educational trip to Korea, with intention to help them understanding Korean culture. Likewise, I volunteered to display my artworks at Korean Affair in Auburn University; I helped tutoring American students to improve mathematic skills. While cultural center for improving Korean-American relation is now being built, I enthusiastically am seeking to volunteer at there.

From these experiences, my community shapes me to dream of improving relation between people, interest groups, and nations, based on advantages of diversity. As long as I could rely on my origin, I could continue aspiring improving local relations at California, where diversity has already set, yet cultural understanding is lacking.

Thank you for reading! I appreciate it a lot!
Nov 20, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Essay: Architecture, immigration and God. [3]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My dream is a construction site where different worlds conjoin to consist of my aspiration as if different parts of architecture. I am eager to design houses and churches for people who need shelters.

I am a representative of different mosaics : a n immigrant whose ancestor survived through the war, a Christian who embraces others, an environment lover who designs architecture and its urroundings, and a Korean community of Alabama, which supports me to pursue my dream. Admixture of my worlds intertwines me learning deeper and acting for humanitarian causes.

My story of immigration and faith, which guide me to study architecture, begins with my family. My grandparents survived during the war that deteriorated Korea. They raised my parents with putting education and work ethic into the integrity of life. With bare hands, they constructed backbones of economic growth, and my parents continued to build a better society, creating a miracle that transformed the poorest country into the industrialized country. Since California is the Melting Pot where embraces diverse people like me , I would continue developing my academic and social life at the University of California.

As if a base of building, my faith shapes me into a person who devotes his efforts to the poor. Religious activities, including m ission trip to Yucatán, leadership of the youth group, and bible study , have shaped my morality and abilities. My faith interacts with my other aspirations; I learn how to show love to others: it has shaped my dreams of being an architect, since I can help others by designing their shelters and churches.

I have enjoyed living in a nature of Sweet Home Alabama, where beautiful environment and colonial buildings calm my eyes and mind that had been suffocated by hectic, urban setting s. I have dreamed digging in designing a building that harmonizes with its surrounding. Grown up in such environment, I have developed a sense of harmony and earthiness in accordance with architecture. My enthusiasm of studying environmental designs allows me to dream being an architect. Hours from desert and mountains, minutes from Pacific Ocean and cities, California offers me to learn various spaces where harmonizing architecture can improve the mankind and environment altogether.

Down in the deep southern state of Alabama, I am part of a growing Korean community that is creating a vibe to regional economic and cultural diversity to the society. With its miraculous economic and population growth, the Korean community of Alabama tries to improve local economy and education through humanitarian works and financial donations. Even if Korean community is different from the American community in ethnicity and mother tongue, we altogether cooperate and believe in a God who guides us in the construction of automobile factories which boosts the economy. From my community, I learn that education is not just for career but is for giving back to community. My community's emphasis on well-roundedness has shaped me into becoming involved in various extracurricular activities and intellectual learning. I have had opportunities such as saxophone lessons, Jazz music, Bible study, geography, architecture, interior design, tennis, and graphic design. My community always helps me dig into diverse fields, as my local atmosphere has led me to participate in humanitarian works. As an immigrant, I embrace others; I am proud to call myself architect who works for mankind, God, and community.

****A new chapter unfolds, the rest is still unwritten. Education is not just to get a job but is to give back.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

My passion for architecture and global studies are related to each other by one experience. All my life, I designed buildings for aesthetics until I saw a desperate need to upgrade the function and the technology of buildings in Yucatan, Mexico. While on a mission trip to help Mayan natives, I decided to use my passion for architecture and global studies to help those people in need. In the past, I have designed a church and its architectural elements, club T-shirts, and my house for beauty; however, after I witnessed that such beauty is a luxury in Izamal, Mexico, I decided to improve their lives with my talent. The mission trip helped me to arouse my enthusiasm to sketch a church, bridge, and houses for the Mayan people; the trip allowed me to become passionate for architecture and global studies.

My zeal to convert an underdeveloped country's vicious circle into a virtuous one has transformed me into a person who is eager to assist others. While pondering how the world can improve its problems, I developed an analogy: located in a different axis or sphere, the rich and the poor cannot communicate; located in the same Möbius strip, they cannot have any access to others. Hence, I devised a sketch (plan) to build a bridge between the rich and the poor by designing the bridge and helping people to organize it. In the summer of 2011, I learned to love and care about the Mayan people. This mission trip experience made me compassionate to people in need and passionate to learn global studies.

My future effort would be focused on Uganda, where my former AP American History teacher works as a missionary. She shared with me a vision that provoked my love for people and knowledge to provide the Ugandans a better life. I will show my compassion with excitement. I would be thrilled to learn architecture, geography, and global studies at the University of California system, so that I can use my education to help others.

Thank you for reading! Your support means a LOT!!!!
My concerns so far are "religious bad for UC application?" and "more detail and story maybe? or more general?"
Nov 5, 2011
Undergraduate / 'from a middle-class family in hong kong' - UC [7]

I come from a middle-class family in hong kong -> not necessary since you describe this later again.
a little boat to park on -> to dock on
little more description on your metaphors and terms: spoon-feeding education policy, bread winner
Oct 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'From back down Alabama...' - U Michigan Supplement Essay [3]

U Michigan

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words

We are now making a miracle. Back down the deep southern state of Alabama, a growing Korean community is creating a vibe to regional economy and cultural diversity to society. Respected for its miraculous growth, Korean community of Alabama tries to improve local economy and education by humanitarian works and financial donation, creating another miracle to Alabama. I am proud of being a part of Korean community in Alabama, where its southern tradition is strongly based on its uniform, religious conservatism; however, even if Korean community is different from American in ethnicity and mother tongue, we and American altogether believe in God who has guided us constructing automobile factories that boosts economy of Alabama.

Michigan is a unique state for people of Alabama; established, industrious, and religious, Korean society of Alabama resembles those of Michigan's. Since many Korean workers of auto-parts companies are from Michigan, from them, I have heard Detroit's unemployment and decaying cities; however, all people from Michigan are unhesitant to call their state an educational center of Great Lakes area. Transforming impoverished Southern towns by helping America to be industrialized and globalized, my Korean community has an intellectual vision: we pursue greater and deeper academics as well as extracurricular activities. I have enjoyed Alabama's easy living as well as love of nature and family. I am eager to devote, however, my life into learning diversity, a charm of University of Michigan.I am passionate to meet people from diverse areas and learn academic subjects in a higher education.
Oct 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'organized various community service and charitable projects' - short answer (FBLA) [4]

Wow, one specific activity. Nice job. Common app wants you to write only one specific, so you are right on track.
Oakton? where is it?
From these experiences, I realize that these community service projects were opportunities to gain as well as to give: to give support to the local and national charities and to gain useful skills that give me a leg up in situations that I may encounter later in life.

you can simplify or separate this long sentence.
Oct 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'taking care of the elderly was a responsibility' - UC My world and My Experience [4]

Use diverse verbs: strong, plain, and/or complex(abstract).
Prompt 1 is predictable and has cliche-topics.

I must pursue the medical field in order to truly have the ability to watch over others. I have to return the favor to my community for what they had done for me.

I like this part and it must be developed little more.
Less explanation on the Alzheimer, more description and YOUR thought on the conclusion/experience/change.
Oct 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Baba Yetu, Baba Yetu & Art through God, and diversity - CommonApp Personal [NEW]

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

First draft, it is erroneous and random but please revise mine.
I appreciate it.

Askance: relating the song with the content. Be certain on the question. Be clear on explaining my experience. Not be repetitive. Associate different themes into one big picture

Baba yetu, Yesu uliye
(Our Father, Jesus who art)
Mbinguni yetu, Yesu amina!
(in Heaven. Amen!)
- Baba Yetu (Our Father)

When my iPod is beating Baba Yetu, the Swahili version of the Lord's Prayer, the African rhythm and soulful voice enrich my soul. The song always reminds me of how my environment affects me and why I study abroad here in the United States. I not only am influenced by but also influence the environment; by providing creativity and religious beliefs, I provide diversity to the community.

I hum the song, believing Jesus who "art." Even if 99.9% of people would say the word, art, simply means "are" in old English. I believe it to be different: art means art. Mrs. East, my former AP American History teacher, shared the idea of her mission to Uganda; we enthusiastically talked about the humanitarian and religious causes. She guided me to use my artistic ability to help people who cannot help themselves. I had had restrained the definition of art as fine arts that are simply aesthetic. My perspective changes with different environment; now I think the art more deeply and differently. Studying different subjects such as Spanish, architecture, industrial design, English, and Jazz, I began to open my mind to different worlds where unique people aggregate with their zeal. I accepted such diverse worlds and found myself: I am no more reticent and weak, but there is cool and unique person named Josh who is hugged by God and friends.

I had had worried even before I saw an opportunity. As an immigrant from South Korea who now lives in the Deep South Alabama, I faced difficulties from language and culture. Mother tongue is different; philosophy and lifestyle are unique in each type of person, and they conflict with each others'. But I noticed that many minors have same problems. The poor, elderly, colored, and emigrated people seem they don't belong to the American world. I was determined on my future: helping those who cannot help themselves. I began to realize my potentials and rely on Father Lord to use me in his way.

Having a Korean, humanitarian, and conservative backgrounds, I blended my natures to help the impoverished society. Not just seeing destitution, I related my academic zeal and experiences. From voluntary works and studying arts, I have developed my soul that would provide diversity to a college community. It is not just my ethnicity, but it is my true nature given by God. My passion of architecture and the ethnic studies allows me to continue my soul beating. It is time to widen my perspective and effectively utilize my natures in a college community.

I saw a similarity between Mayan people, whom I worked a mission for, and me: reclusive to foreigners, but creative and reliable to their true friends. In Mexico, I saw desperate people who need their shelter; last week, I designed a church for them; today at the school, I meet with unique and diverse people whom I can associate with; Today, I play Baba Yetu with piano and appreciated that God gives me opportunities to learn and help the world, which will be continued in my college years and future; This Sunday, I believe in Lord Father.
Oct 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'character, leadership, and integrity' - What community service mean to me? [2]

ommunity service means more to me,then (than) completing hours and turning them in. It (more clarity?) builds character, leadership, and integrity. Community service also, (delete) stands as a foundation builder to becoming (become) a more caring person, opening you (he or she (since you used a person)) up to many opportunities that can carry you a very long way (more explanation).

Over my high school course, I have completed many different community service projects, ranging from events as big as food banks and can food drives, to services as small as shoveling snow for the elderly. Of all these projects, although, one stood out the most to me. What started out as a church visit to gain community service hours at the Men's shelte (?) escalated into something more. While spending time at the shelter, I served food and was allowed to sit and have conversation with the families there, being opened up to things that I couldn't possibly imagine. At my school, I am a Star ranked Boy Scout of Troop 3030, and currently hold the position as senior patrol leader. One requirement of this rank was to complete six community service hours. With this objective completed after two trips to the shelter, I could have easily stopped attending and volunteering at the shelter, but I wanted to do more. To start off helping the shelter, I started off by just encouraging more children to come and fellowship with the other children that were at the shelter. When It hit the winter seasons, I took part in helping my school run coat drives for coats, gloves, etc., and distribute them to the families at the shelter, completing the goal of putting smiles on the faces.

Through this volunteering, I was able to see firsthand of the struggles families are put in today because of the pounding economy. Instead of thinking about myself and my well being similar to before, I constantly think of ways I can help other people, and the shelter. I am glad I participated in going to the shelter the first time I went. It has instilled in me the key components for becoming the person I want and need to be for growing up in the real world. Hopefully, in the future, I can lead a toy drive in honor of the shelter, and distribute the toys among the kids.
Oct 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My family emigrated from Zambia' - UCF Essay [3]

complex sentences may be revised to punctuated sentences.
My family emigrated from Zambia 3 years ago, just so I could receive a good education and chance to live the American Dream
No one in my direct family has been to college and my parents have pushed so I can be the first one
y grandfather is a school teacher in a small village in India, he is the only teacher teaching about 300 children under one big tree in a village.

He made me realize how important education is, whenever I went to India, he would introduce me to some of his students, some of who had to walk 5 miles just to come to school.

These are all in a sentence, which could be simpler.
It made me realize -> realized
Oct 11, 2011
Undergraduate / No more being ignorant - CommonApp Writing - Short Answer [6]

I wonder if it has any grammar problems and word choices, also redundancy is my concern. Immigrants and living in two yrs in America, I lack ECs but hope that this will work.

Question: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
1000 characters version:
Focusing on myself for success, I had been ignorant on people in need. I had not used my ability to help people. Even though I developed leadership as a class president in South Korea, I had not discovered leadership to contribute to humanitarian causes. The Vice President of church's youth group, I dedicated my summer for a mission. I should have prepared for such work. It impacted me, however, to learn reality of global poverty, presence of God, and reason to learn subject like Spanish.

Humanitarian works warmed my soul, and religious cause made me determent on future; however, learning business was necessary. The Quality Management Manager, I organized the documents for quality of auto-part production at Daewon America. I learned to coordinate.

I contribute to club by designing six different shirts. I learned how to associate with others' idea.
Church orchestra and Jazz Ensemble increase my appreciation of music. To keep the first chair, I truly enjoy it with soul and practice.

1000+ version:
Focusing on myself and academics for success, I had been ignorant on people in need, when I was in South Korea. When I looked back my life, I had not used my abilities to help and lead people. Even though I developed leadership as a class president in South Korea, I had not discovered my leadership and artistic ability to contribute to humanitarian causes. As the Vice President of the church's youth group, I dedicated my summer to help Mayan people in Yucatan, Mexico. After the week of mission, I realized the unpreparedness of us: donation was in shortage; the trip was too short for a mission and aid; I should have learned Spanish more fluently. The mission trip alerted me that I lacked preparedness on humanitarian and religious works. It, however, impacted me a lot; I learned how people in poverty live, how should I dedicate myself to them and God, and why should I learn a new academic subject such as Spanish. I greatly widen such a humanitarian, religious, and global perspective.

Humanitarian works warmed my soul and religious causes made me determent on my future; however, it was necessary to experience the business. As a Quality Management Manager, I organized and checked the quality of auto-parts production at Daewon America, whose facility in Alabama helps the local economy greatly. I learned how to communicate and coordinate with other employees.

I also enjoy arts; I contribute many clubs by helping with my artistic ability. Designing six different club shirts, not only I enjoy when people wearing shirts that I designed, but also I learned how to associate with others' idea on arts, which is vague and unruly.

Music had been none of my interest, when I was in South Korea; however, instrumental activities, including the church's orchestra and the Jazz Ensemble, increased my appreciation of life and music. I play alto saxophone, the sexiest musical instrument, for the church's orchestra and the high school Jazz Ensemble. Playing Jazz and hymn helps me to enjoy cultural learning and other religious activities. To stand the position of first second alto in Jazz Ensemble and first alto in the orchestra, I had to practice and truly enjoy with soul. Hence, I learned organization, cooperation, religion, humanism, global perspective, arts, and music from various activities. Such opportunities to work on extracurricular activities have totally changed me, comparing to when I was only studying in a Korean educational system; I hope to increase and continue my area and interests in college life.