Unanswered [13] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by menukagrg
Joined: Nov 12, 2011		 Last Post: Apr 12, 2012
Threads: 7
Posts: 98  

From: Nepal

Displayed posts: 105 / page 2 of 3
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menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "You're Lucky"-Stanford Roommate Letter-Is it too vague? [16]

I'm ready eat almost - ready to eat

Your essay is hilarious. I did LOL (i hate saying that) on the "perhaps of equal importance" and "watching me sleep" part.

I actually read someone else's essay on the same topic. His/Her essay was longer. I love the way your essay is but if you could make it longer, maybe you should.

Good luck.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / (mess on my desk) roommate essay + (my apologies) five words that describe you [6]

God, I absolutely LOVED both essays. They seriously had me laughing and it's 2 in the morning so consider it as an achievement. :) If i had to choose one, i would go with the latter one but i really love "Kant touch this" bit the best. Try mixing up both in one letter. I would have loved to get a letter like this from my wouldbe roomate.

Also, i am torn apart between 2nd and 5th. Really can't choose between these two.

Seriously, best of luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Flushed' + 'I am exhausted' - Extra Curricular activities essays [15]

First essay:

I teach english classes to people who never went to a boarding school. In my country, only students who go to boarding schools have a fairly good idea of how to read, write and speak english.

Love both of your suggestions.

Second essay:

I know, the ending bit is very weird i must say. I was trying to say that i had been smitten by the surroundings so much that i had made up my mind there and then to be a part of Habitat for Humanity from there on, something like this.

Ps. I have no idea what song it was. It was a country song and Tim Mc graw is the only one i have heard of. I might actually just put a random song there.

All in all, i absolutely appreciate all the effort you went through to make corrections and i assure you it won't go to waste.

Thank you so very much.
menukagrg   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "How the hell do i do it" Transfer essay to Smith [12]

Dear Grammar Nazi,

You have no idea how much of a great help you have been. I really appreciate you taking your time to read and make all those corrections. :) Thank you so much.

I will do a revision with your suggestions and pretty much replace my wordings with your corrections. And also think about something else to replace the lofty christian comment.

Thanks again,
Ps. I also love the word "ballyhoo" :)
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / The ugly princess. Common App Essay [10]

I discovered myself through the brush I held and I discovered myself through the figures I drew- Suggestion, maybe cut out the second "I discover" to avoid people from thinking it is redundant. I know what effect you are trying to create (i like to do the same too), but others might not get it.

They were indifference- They were indifferent

All in all, very nice essay. :) Best of luck
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Essays / My sat score got cancelled [11]

Your essay, there is nothing wrong with it but it doesn't look like it's going to catch the Admission's attention. The way you wrote it looks a bit too simple for a college application. To make the essay more personal, you should try focusing on the additional year you had to take. Insert some vivid events, emotions, to lure the readers.

Hope this helped.

Good luck.
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "You're Lucky"-Stanford Roommate Letter-Is it too vague? [16]

I also think that you should keep the sleeping reference. Like everyone else, i would have loved to read it with paragraphs, but i get what you are saying.

"Unfortunately, cooking is not a passion of mine, but I'm sure we can find a way to grab a bite." - This line isn't really needed so if you want to cut something for more conciseness, you can delete this line.

Good luck
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Barnard College Supplement- one woman to talk to, [6]

I know, Smith is my dream university but i am applying to Mt. Holyoke too (which is also pretty awesome). Love'em both.
Super duper Best of luck to you!!!!!
menukagrg   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not ashamed of my duties' - CommonApp - I am japanese [9]

Chong is right. The opening is a bit weak. Why don't you give the readers a vivid imagination of the Janitor? Give him a shape where your essay will be based. Make him sympathetic, yet mysterious. And then include the conversation you had with him, in which you first realize the enigma of work.

I hope this all makes sense. Try doing a revision and i can look it up again.

Good luck :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why I Joined MUN (Model United Nations) EC Essay - Common app [7]

"while other people"- Suggestion: while others suffered

"I learned that day that if I can make a difference here, I can make a difference in the real world. That's why I joined MUN"- "here" meaning where? at the conference? For some reason, i don't like the latter part. It makes it sound as if the difference you made "here" isn't worth or something.

All in all, your essay is very good. You could probably use some "strong" words since the content is very strong as well.

Hope this helped. Good luck. :)
Is this extracurricular essay? If yes, can you read mine as well? Thanks.
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

I think yes, late assignments should receive lower score. As a college student, one has to be very responsible and be upto date about assignments. Even if a student has a problem, the professers make sure that you get plenty of time to organize so there is no excuse. Noone should be given special treatment except in case of severe accident or something.
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Scholarship / 'Before I came to America..' - the need and how to contribute to living environment [5]

I am really sorry but your essay isn't very special. The content of you essay is very similar to thousands of international students' stories (including mine).

You have to tell the school that you are different. No sob story, nothing. Show them that you are active, intelligent, caring, someone who is worth a scholarship based on ability, not desperation or need (even though the latter might be true)

"I have contributed diversity to my living environment"- almost has a cocky connotation. The school knows that you have contributed to the diversity.

Try writing about how your major/education is going to help others, and probably some hints about your economic condition but not focusing it.

Hope this helped.
Good luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My two years of hope' - Uchicago/Yale/Harvard Supp Essay [8]

I liked the essay but after it was over, i was also thinking what you actually found. I really do love Levin's idea about putting "I found something..." It makes the ending stronger and helps you stay in touch with the question.

Some questions i was just wondering-

Did you apply to 10 different schools?
Do none of them have application fee waivers? If it is not mentioned in the website, you could still ask if they can waive the fee because of your financial situation?

The schools should have them if they have generous aid. And i am guessing you are applying to those types of schools.
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Scholarship / 'Before I came to America..' - the need and how to contribute to living environment [5]

Gotchya. Even though those might be the specific questions, i think you still need to show that you excel in education and your financial situation has impeded your progress, your dream. Anyway, here are some grammar mistakes.

Before I came to America, I had realized that my parents don'tdidn't have enough money to pay for my 4 year degree in United States. They cancould afford my 2 year degree. Due to my cousin providesd me free food and place to live, my parents don'tdidn't have to pay for my living expenses. However, it seems that now I and my cousinmy cousin and I cannot get along with each other. As a result, I have to rent an apartment in order to continue my education in America. This matter certainly will increase my parent's expenditure since they have to pay for my food and apartment rent. If I cannotdon't get a job on-campus and anyor a scholarship, I will not be able to finish my four year degree.

By studying in American college as an international student, I have contributed diversity to my living environment. I have shared my experience when I was living in IndonesiaIndonesian culture with my American and international friends. Some of my American friends had never heard of Indonesia before, so I described to them where exactly Indonesia isexplained them in details about Indonesian life . In addition, I also introduced some simple Indonesian's food to my multicultural friends.

To conclude, my financial crisis was caused by unexpected problem which can affect my education progress. As a result, if I can overcome this problem, I can get better education in United States and contribute diversity to my living environment.

May i ask which university are you applying to? I kid you not i had the same exact issue. When i couldn't live with my cousin, i rented an apartment ( san francisco) which was uber expensive. After couple of months, i became broke and came back home. Now it's been almost a year since i have not gone to school. Currently i am applying to schools as an international transfer student. International transfering is ridiculously hard and the financial aid is so limited. Are you transfering or just applying for aid in the same college? Sorry, about all these questions. I couldn't help but ask since i went through the same thing.

Work on your essay a bit more and I hope you get the scholarship.
Good luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

Massive improvement on your second essay. Really love it. One thing i was thinking is the kelly clarkson reference. You write "I put on Kelly Clarkson's new album and loved it all the way home" and then you write "I can't name a Kelly Clarkson song to save my life". A bit misleading. Maybe change the ending sentence. Also i am not sure if some people will get the reference about Kelly (Love her though).

Hope this helped
Good luck. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "How the hell do i do it" Transfer essay to Smith [12]

Ya, i do get the feeling that the last paragraph needs more of an "oompH"(whatever the hell that means) but i am out of ideas.

It's great to hear to from another nepali. Where do you live? Oh, and i see you have written an essay. I will definetely check it out.

Thanks for your comment. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

I think i am just confused (all my fault, not because of the essay). I thought you listening to Kelly clarkson, before, was a way of showing your move towards independence (you know because kelly clarkson was something your cousin would never listen to and since you were trying to impress him more, you never listened to her as well, even though you liked her). Is this correct? If yes, then why wouldn't you be able to name her songs?

I hope you understood my confusion. :)
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Satori through Fishing" EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES ESSAY [10]

I am glad you liked it. :)

I understand what others are trying to say with focusing-on-you part but i guess appreciation of nature, or the extent of emotions during fishing could be enough to show your personality. But i really do see why others might think it's not enough. Personally, i like these types of mellow essays.

Feel free to make edits and i will try to help further.
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App: "Sign Up - Student Council President" [7]

Your essay is really good and your grandfather is super inspiring. :) Some things that crossed my mind were:

1.You used "instead of" twice in your second passage. I am guessing you were trying to be dramatically consistent, but others might think it was redundant. Maybe you should put something else on the second "instead of.

2. "even when my horse suddenly bursts into an uncontrollable cantor"- since the first part of the sentence was in past tense, i think the second part sounds better in past tense as well. " ....suddenly bursted..."

3. Again, i do understand why you broke up passages in three parts in the last bit. But how about putting all three in one?

4. I get this all the time as well on my essays so i kinda cringe when i say this but do you think you could work on your last sentence? I love your essay so i feel like it needs better ending.

"Whatever scares you - sign up for it," - ridiculously amazing. Who would have thought i would learn life lessons in essayforum. haha. All the best to you.
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'favorite pair of shoes' - Connecticut College Supplement- Community [7]

I really like the suggestions made above. Some things are redundant. Maybe if you have more word space, you could add some more details and split up the essay in two? I love specific details (it's just me).You can explain one event where the sense of community played a vital role in your life. But i think it will be hard to do with your choice of topics. What do you think?
menukagrg   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "I'd rather just be myself"-Tufts Univ. essay :) [5]

I personally like it. It's something a lot of people can relate to but i think the readers(admissions) might think this is a negative answer since you say "I still don't fit in at Greensville". Even the first half of the essay talks has negative connotations. Also, i get how you were influenced by your community but i am afraid the admissions might not see it. If you can talk about your hardships more positively throughout the whole essay, you should try doing it.

I am not sure i helped but i tried. :)
I will be more thank happy to read your essay if you make a revision.
menukagrg   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / I missed my train - Caltech ethical dilemma essay [6]

If you had to cut something, i would suggest cutting the "CPR" sentence, just to show that you just genuinely felt guilty, not only because you knew how to help him. Also your thoughts might be incorporated into something small or into another sentence.

I see that you have a lyrical way of writing your sentences but it seems a bit repeated. "Slowing down, I noticed ....", "Walking by, one of them suddenly ..."

"Boarding the train, though, my indifference ..." The repeatition hinders the flow of the essay after a while. Also, although i do love commas, you have a lot of them, considering the length of your essay.

Very good content though.
Hope this helped. :)
menukagrg   
Jan 9, 2012
Undergraduate / '38 year old daughter-in-law' - my extra curricular activity essay [3]

A 38 year old daughter-in-law who quit school when she was in grade 7 to get married, a 46 year old devoted wife who came closest to getting an education when she would stare at her brother amble to school, a 50 year old jaunty grandmother who mustered up the courage to learn, only after becoming a widow. These are some of the many brave students in my cousin's Praudh Shiksha class, a place where these women challenge their cruel fate. I do not help them learn mere alphabets and numbers: I hand them the power to own their life. Albeit gradual, the learning process is anything but insipid. Listening and ruminating different stories is both heart wrenching and powerful. Many women have been the victim of the sanctimonious society that loftily hands the prerogative to study, if not only, more to sons. But now they fight to finally retrieve their right to learn, and more importantly, to live. And I have the privilege to become a part of it.

Note. This is my third essay on the same topic. I think the essay is missing something and it is not clear. I have chosen to write about my experience in teaching women how to read and write. Also, extra question. Is extra curricular activity suppose to be only the ones you were involved in during your school? I am on my break and this essay is based on my teaching experience during this time. Please let me know. Thank you. :) Will be happy to read yours.
menukagrg   
Jan 10, 2012
Undergraduate / '38 year old daughter-in-law' - my extra curricular activity essay [3]

Superb!! Thanks. I do have some space left to write more but i don't think it's enough but i will work on it. Also, Praudh Shiksha is the name of a certain type of class, hence, the apostrophe comma. But again, thank you so much.
menukagrg   
Mar 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Hi, i am an interntional student. I have written a new essay, taking a whole paragraph from the old one i had written before.

I am applying to a university in the U.K for the English Language and Linguistics Programme. The essay is not finished yet. I have yet to explain why i want to go to the U.K for my study. But would you mind checking my progress. I have tried to be as simple as possible. Let me know what you think. Do i make my point across about wanting to study English and Linguistics?

Help me and i will help you back. Thank you so much in advance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------

I was talking to this tiny, yet ridiculously warm looking lady on an almost empty bus going to the city. She appeared to be in her late 50s. I was in a less-than-good mood and to my greatest fear, she started talking to me. After the usual introductions, with a sweet nonchalance, she asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I replied, "I..ah...don't know." She raised her head and her eyebrows slightly, in unison. I tried to follow up with a smile, but failed miserably. With a dramatic flair in her voice, the lady said, "You will know when the time is right." And after what I had thought was an awkward silence, she added, "Take it one day at a time."

That was almost two years ago. I had been out of school, frustrated at my limited study options, hungrily searching for my vocation. As dramatic as it may seem, something clicked during that awfully tentative conversation with the lady. I realized I had to do what I had loved but had ignored before; I had to go back to teaching.

Language piqued my interest and teaching liberated me. So I combined both and freed myself. There are still people, including my father, who love flaunting the financial aspects of a technical degree. But they don't know what I become in a class. My father hasn't seen me evolve from a shy girl into an excited maniac when I help my students decipher English language. It's not just the English that gets me going. It is the idea of a language becoming tangible from picayune human needs and consequently, the sad falling of a tongue due to inevitable human greed.

Ever imagined a world where people spoke only one language, united by a single outlook towards life? Well, I have. And I can tell you there is nothing so serenely tragic about having no diversity to humble us. The ballyhoo that languages create is something that is unnerving but an essential part that holds us together. Maybe the day will never come when there is only one language. But maybe there will. Especially in today's world of ubiquitous technology that has made it easy for us to learn and possible to forget. I do not want to watch the progressive social phenomenon of language from the sideline; I want to be a part of it, right in the middle.
menukagrg   
Mar 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Thank you so much for your awesome comment.

I am actually applying to a Creative Writing and Linguistics programme too. But i didn't want to focus on that since i don't know how to include my interest in Linguistics, English Language and Writing in one single essay.

I have added a line after "right in the middle". Maybe that will work.

I haven't thought of mentioning my future goals because i think there wouldn't be enough space to do that.

I will finish my essay in a bit. If you could, would you please read it again? That would be really amazing.

Thanks again. I will read yours too. :)
menukagrg   
Mar 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Hema Preya:

Yes, it should be "interests". I wrote in a hurry. And "knowledegable admirer" sounded good in my head but i know it kinda doesn't make sense and leaves the reader a bit confused. I will change that. I also like "It's my time" idea. I think i will use that.

Really thank you so much for your feedback. It has helped me tremendously.

Chalumeau:

I can't thank you enough for your suggestions but thank you.

I don't know how to be more specific with the linguistics part. I will work on that.
This is my first draft so i know i will be working a lot on improving it. I do read my essays out loud and try to find awkward sentences. This forum has helped me a lot because of members like you.

I am thinking of teaching English as a foreign language but i am also interested in Journalism. So let's see what happens. For now, i just want to study English and Linguistics.

Again, thank you very much for the feedback.
menukagrg   
Mar 12, 2012
Essays / ESSAY ABOUT MY MOST DIFFICULT DECISION (how to start it?) [15]

What kind of help do you need? With the subject or writing?

If subject, then maybe you can write about your decision to study further and pursue masters. This is, incase you don't have anything to write about.
menukagrg   
Mar 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Made some changes. I would love for your guys to read it again and give me suggestions.
Chalumeau:
The only reason i didn't make all the changes you suggested was my pride. haha. Your sentences are definetely better than what i wrote. I tried to put all your suggestions in my essay but i wanted to keep some of my sentences as well even if they weren't as good. I know it's stupid. But anyway, i would love for you to take a look at it again.

By the way, i have seen you give feedbacks to other essays and they are marvellous. Do you do this professionally? Are you a writer? Sorry for prying. Just wanted to know. :)
menukagrg   
Mar 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

I don't know about the comma but linguistics, as it turns out, should not be capitalized. I never really thought about it. Thanks. I literally googled "should linguistics be capitalized"

Thanks for your positive feedback. Even if you hadn't liked my essay, i wouldn't have known what better to do with it. I like writing but it is this polishing that i hate. By the end of it, it feels as if you have a completely different essay than what you had started with.

Good luck with your application. :)
menukagrg   
Mar 14, 2012
Grammar, Usage / Proper comma usage in English language [8]

Comma placed correctly?

Is the comma placed correctly here?

My dream of exploring languages and my want to preserve it cannot be achieved here, in Nepal where Linguistics is not offered at any university.

Should it be after Nepal?

Also, should there be a colon or semi colon?

Well, I know that the time is now: It is right. It is mine.

Thank you very much in advance. :)
menukagrg   
Mar 14, 2012
Student Talk / How to study in America? [6]

American universities are really helpful. They realize that international students not only struggle with language barrier but also with homesickness. You will be surprised how many student clubs, college programmes are meant to help international students have the best time of their life. :)
menukagrg   
Mar 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Language piqued my interest ' - Personal Satement. Linguistics. [26]

Points taken. :)
I will make some changes now.
I really like the placement of the "speak hindi, english..." part on the second paragraph.

Revising has helped me quite a lot. I used to be really frustrated but now i have come to realize that i can benefit from other people's suggestions and opinions.

Thank you so much.
menukagrg   
Mar 14, 2012
Grammar, Usage / Proper comma usage in English language [8]

I think i will just stick with the period. :)
But the examples are really helpful.

Thanks again. You are amazing.

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