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Posts by tcohen
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Last Post: Dec 31, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 24  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 25
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tcohen   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'three dimensional problems' - BROWN Supp [6]

It always amazes me how we interact with the nature and with each other, forming a giant network. From this simple truth, we have created a quite complicated interactive system, and by studying economics, I will be able to analyze this system and seek for the ways to improve efficiency and equality.

How does what you write have to do with economics? It seems more like psychology to me.

I too like the second one
tcohen   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Making a difference and becoming an engineer' - Brown Supplement [5]

Participating onin various Math Olympics has helped me develop the ability to think analytically and solve problems easily. My increasing passion for numbers enhances my ability to set my goals (how do numbers enhance your ability to set goals?) and never give up until I find an answer. I want to make a difference, I want to become an engineer.

I understand where you are going with this answer and know that 300 characters is not a lot. However, I think that you need to add what specifically makes you want to be an engineer. Just my opinion! Good luck
tcohen   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / perspecitve and art - NYU [3]

The first answer is well written but not specific to NYU at all. Find a program that appeals to you or something else that is only at NYU.

The second answer is also quite general. Also, it is anywhere near 1500 characters? I would make both of your answers WAY more specific.

Good luck!
tcohen   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A Korean minority in boarding school' - common app [5]

This is a really great essay! It's starts funny and ends sincere. My one comment would be to change the quote. It sounds a bit forced when you cannot articulate what you want to say in your own words.

Good luck!
tcohen   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'It all started in my Physics class' - Common Application [10]

Hello! I think this is a great story. I would advise rereading it out loud and finding where there are a few short sentences in a row. This makes it sound a bit clunky. Also, where there are words like "good" and "very" try to find something more descriptive. Good luck!
tcohen   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / I missed my train - Caltech ethical dilemma essay [6]

Is this true? Wow, you are truly amazing!

I loved this essay. It was creative, original and heartwarming. Just a few suggestions.

I noticed a few homeless men near the stairs. As I walked by, one of them suddenly cursed.

who appeared to be asleep.

-- This does not sound significant enough. Make it sound more dramatic and serious.

I rushed off the train, and flew up the stairs.

Good luck!
tcohen   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'good stories in my head' - NYU Supplement essays [2]

There are a thousand good nicer word than good? stories in my head, and the reason they're not printed on paper is the reason I'm applying to NYU. It's fear. A book is the culmination of an Author's private thoughts spilled out to the public; after all, it really kills a writer when the effort in his words doesn't please his intended audience (awkward sentence) . I'm hoping NYU can heal this fear. I write so many versions of the same story I need some really, really smart Shakespearian Einstein to teach me what's good enough, when my writing becomes perfection (this sentence is awkward and makes you seem like you're not creative... which I am sure you are). NYU has the best teachers, the best authors, and I want to learn from the best to surpass the best. If NYU can rate the poignancy of every word I know, I will know which words to use in my writing. After graduation, I want to know the confidence of famous men publishing art, and when I finally do, people will stop quoting Salinger and start quoting Dylan R. Tan.

Hi Dylan, I really like the end of this essay because it comes across confidently. However, the rest does not put your talents into as bright of a light as it should. I also think that somewhere in the essay you should write exactly which major and school at NYU you are applying to.

Hope this helps! Good luck
tcohen   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Shape me by shaping others- Brown RD Essay supplements [3]

I completely agree with Lishan. I think that the admissions officers know that you want to go to brown and that saying it in a question that is meant to show off your personality isn't helping your cause.

Otherwise, I was really intrigued by the second and fourth essays.

In the third essay you start two sentences with "It was during this time..." I think you can spice it up a little more, but I think that what you did with the Green Team is truly amazing.
tcohen   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Collaborate' + 'Finance' + '50 cent' + 'Developing India' - NYU Supplements [2]

i suggest that you start off strong instead of I feel, just say "New York University is all about opportunity."

Also there is a bit of repetition in your first response, so I would go over that again.

The rapper 50 cent was on the set of his movie name? and at the same time was recording the soundtrack. When a reporter boldly asked the rapper when he gets sleep, 50 retorted

I would also rephrase the last sentence, it is a bit awkward.

Besides for those correction I really like your essay about 50 cent. It's original and fun to read.

I think the second essay needs the most work, here are a few suggestions

Finance allows me to harness my quantitative skills and passion for economics and to apply them to real life situations . It is intriguing to look at the allocation of resources to optimize the efficiency and performance of different economic entities. Maybe I just don't understand economics but this sentence doesn't really make sense to me What is more important to me is the quantifiable values behind this distribution. Stern School of Business would allow me to explore finance due to its location in a global epicenter, as well as the positions it holds around the world with its global alumni base and academic centers.After discerning this academic and intellectual interest, I began to look for schools that would give me the best opportunities to meet my goals. The academic excellence at NYU combined with the professors, dynamics, diversity, and location of the school will create an experience that would push my boundaries of intellectual knowledge and create opportunities for me that no other university in the world could.

Good luck with your applications!
tcohen   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Emory rollercoaster ride (Hulk) short answer [9]

Has the Hulk become your favorite ride? Or are you just happy that you overcame your fear of riding it? That would be my only comment, since the prompt does say "your favorite ride." Otherwise I love the way it's written and the imagery is great!
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]

It's not forced nor am I an aspiring musician, it's just that if I miss a day, I'd get the itch to play the next day.

this sentence is unnecessary if you need to cut words

While I have my quiet moments, I'm quite sociable.

this comes a bit out of nowhere

Try putting a few sentences about your music into one sentence. That will make your writing more concise and affective and will also help you stay under the word limit.
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'beyond the realm of traditional engineering' - why Northwestern/engineering? [4]

The school that I am applying to- the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Sciences-particularly appeals to me because its focus extends beyond the realm of traditional engineering.

I would delete "the school that I am applying to"

Another thing that I like about Northwestern is that

Maybe write, "Another aspect about Northwestern that I like" instead of using the word thing, it's a bit weak.

I think this is a great example of a Why X? essay. Really well thought out and detailed. Good luck!
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]

i just noticed i put the at in the wrong place. it should come after ice cream

A few awkward sentences:

As I made the transition from middle school to high school, my anger has subsided as I won more freedom from my parents and I begin to see things in a different perspective.

I have everything from posters of Linkin Park to T-shirts of Nirvana.

When I first entered adolescence, I felt the need to fit in, but having lived in China for 10 years, my English was poor, so as a result I was uncomfortable with my heritage.

--- I understand where you are going with this, I think the connection needs to be a little clearer. Why does your English being poor make you uncomfortable with your heritage? Explain a bit more. Maybe something like " When I first entered adolescence, I always felt the need to fit in. However, having lived in China for 10 years, my English was not up to par with the other students. I felt uncomfortable with my ability to communicate and as a result felt uneasy with my heritage." That just came out in two seconds, and is completely just a suggestion!

Let me know if you need more help!
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'multiple times' + 'raised in Jamaica' + 'strenuous exercise' Stanford Supplements [6]

I know that they still help me up when I'm down.

-- made a few changes to this sentence

i think your last essay highlights a lot that is important to you, which is great! However, I think that it is a little jumpy and you should work on some transitions.

I love your future roommate piece! It's fun and not too serious, which I think the admissions people will appreciate.

Good luck with everything !
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not molding myself to fit in anymore' - BU supp essay [8]

Just a few corrections

so please don't be alarmed if you catch me getting at ice-cream two in the morning.

In the first paragraph I would take out "Aside from music, I'm also a film camera enthusiast and I've spent a lot of my free afternoons doing art." It interrupts talk of music. If you take this out it will flow better.

"At first it was very energetic. Energetic perhaps is not the best description; it was more like aggressive." I do not think that this sentence is necessary. Maybe a good way to cut down words?

There are a few awkward sentences -- I would read your essay out loud. Otherwise, I think it's very informative for your new roommate and the last paragraph is great!
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'write down the number quickly' Harvard, Stanford, Yale - a person who influenced you [3]

I think this is truly a great common app essay! It's interesting and original. The one sentence I felt sounded a bit awkward was "Magdi Yacoub is the reason I can proudly say that I want to be a cardiac surgeon and help those whom are less fortunate and be the very best at what I do." Three ands in one sentence is too many. Also, I think the ending of your second to last paragraph would be a great ending to the entire essay! While the last paragraph is nice, it doesn't have the same WOW-factor that the second to last paragraph has.

Good luck with your applications! You should be very proud of this essay -- it's incredible !
tcohen   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / Introduce Yourself to Penn - TaCo Nickname [10]

Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

TaCo. That's my nickname. Sure, it's a cute abbreviation of Ta(lia) Co(hen). But come on, who wants to be called a Mexican food dish?

Well, I do. Growing up at a Jewish school, Talia was one of the most popular names. It's pretty, it's meaning is beautiful, and to those who weren't raised Jewish, it's original. However, when I am one of five Talias in a class of fewer than 100, the name can be frustrating. Soon, I stopped turning around. Sure, it could be me, but the chances were just 1/5. Plus, I knew that if it was indeed me then my friends would say "Talia! T-A-L-I-A C-O-H-E-N."

Then, one fateful day, the ingenuity of my nickname, TaCo, was discovered. Soon, I was no longer one Talia in the crowd. Rather, I was the distinctive TaCo.

My name helped me realize, it is okay to stand out. I use to feel that my talents were only for my own benefit. I didn't want to brag or seem conceited. However, with the discovering of TaCo I have started to display my strengths on a regular basis. I have volunteered for numerous musical performances and have enthusiastically offered to read my creative writing in class.

Who new that some meat and a shell would be the source of a new me?
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