Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


Thanks for your comment. An introduction for a journal paper has three main parts: 1) theories; 2) review of the literature; 3) The aim and novelty of the work.

Writing Feedback / 'unnecessory and unethical' - DEATH PENALTY ESSENTAL OR NOT? [7]


I mean you should use the sentences with appropriate and intricate grammar. Try to use a wide range of grammar structures to show your ability for using various structures. Of course, you should use both simple and complex sentences and what I said was about some sentences throughout the essay, not all the sentences. As some examples of a complex sentence I can mention the structure of "not only..., but also..", or the use of the sentences which consist of the words "Although", "even though" and the like. The use of "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" in one sentence can be another example of a complex sentence.

Hope this answers your question

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefits of online shopping over traditional off-line market [7]

Due to the development of the internet technology, on-line transactions online have exploded in many countries throughout the world. (u should connect the first and the second sentences. For example: "The high popularity and great development of the on-line shopping over the last decades can be attributed to its three main advantages over the off-line..." Online shopping has three advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

And some sentences you suggested are very helpful. I found subtle but important differences like
choosing a word "rare", to go abroad "with intent" to... and so on. Many thoughts have passed such as
"What I need to do for these subtle differences" and questions like "how can I achieve that". Surely it will take much time.

I think u should read different texts with different subjects in order to get the differences between words and find the applications of the words in various contexts. Of course it takes time.

Surely online shopping provides comprehensiveness of the products.---> lets look at what u stated in the paragraph one more time. Two main points were mentioned in this paragraph: 1) Transportation; 2) Some special goods that are found just in some specific countries. In fact the second idea is known as "Foreign trade". So, the summary should consist of these two points. For instance :"As a result, on-line shopping not only could raise the problem of transportation of goods, but also it could positively affect the foreign trade all across the world."

Writing Feedback / ibt- 'honesty is better than lying all the time' [3]

Hi,

I disagree that it is impossible for us being always honest with our friendsalways . Because I think honesty is the best policy all the time. As I have seen in my around, lying can get people in trouble. MoreoverW hen we say a lie, we would have to lie again and again. In addition, if our friends understandswhichthat we have lain to themher , sheyou will lose hertheirreliancetrust and it can ruin friendship (Open the introduction with a motivator and give some attractive, general information about the topic. Give your opinion at the end of the introduction because you are going to support your opinion in the body and in this way you can connect the introduction to the body.) .

First of all, honesty is the best policy(Repetition!!) for all human beings. Honesty makes us reliable for other people and especially our friends. I, myself choose honest(use synonym) people as friend. Because(Do not start a sentence with "BECAUSE") I can trust in them and confide my problems to them my problems and thenthus I would be sure that they can help me or criticize me truthfully. The best example of such a person is my best friend. She is an honest (Repetition!!) person. She has never said a lie to me and this characteristic has caused me to rely on her and when I face a dilemma, I get her help comfortably (add a closing statement at the end of the paragraph (Restate the topic sentence)) .

Improve your vocabulary and try to use the sentences with different structures. Repetition is another problem of the essay that u must avoid it.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Hey, That is interesting for me that you are working on Magnesium alloys, too. I have got a M.Sc degree from the University of Tehran in 2010. I have applied for several universities and I am waiting for the results, now. I could not write the aim and detail of my work here because this work has not been published yet, and I did not want to write about my ideas and the novelty of the work in a public forum. Thanks again for your comment.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


That's great that I am not the only person in this forum whose major is Material science.


This is a good advice, but I think if I do that the sentence may become too long and hard to understand.

Thanks Shi Lu for your suggestions.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Australia :)).

Writing Feedback / Employee should have chance to select their retirement age [6]

Today, in the mostmany countries , the idea for retirement age is raising. But(do not start a sentence with "BUT") there are many factors to beshould be considered and discussed about an appropriate retirement age. Personally, I think the government should discard mandatory retirement. In this essay I will analyzeses the issue in details (As I suggest other people in this forum, it would be better to write the reasons of your opinion. This reasons should be written through several words. In this way you can show that the body will encompass what issues. For more information you can google "blueprint in writing essay" to get my point. A "Blueprint", in fact, is the outline of the body) .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Employee should have chance to select their retirement age [6]


I start with the differences between the concepts of "coherence" and "cohesion" in writing. "Coherence" refers to a reasonable relationship between sentences. For this purpose, you should use good transitional terms, and related examples as supporting sentences. "cohesion" refers to the ideas' connection. For providing a good relationships among your ideas you should organize your essay before writing it. I have written some templates for different types of topics that may help you to improve the cohesion and organization of your essay.

Type1: Agree or Disagree
Introduction: (Motivator/General back ground; Thesis statement/reword the topic; Your opinion (Agree or Disagree); Blueprint)
Body: Explain your opinion (agree or disagree) through two or three paragraphs. Use statistics, examples, quotations, researches' results, etc, for supporting the topic sentence of each paragraph.

Conclusion: (Reword the first paragraph or the topic + clincher(ending statement))

Type 2: Multiple questions:
Introduction: (Motivator/General back ground; Thesis statement/reword the topic; Blueprint)
Body: First paragraph (Answer the first question which is asked in the topic)
Second paragraph (Answer the second question which is asked in the topic)
Conclusion: (Reword the first paragraph or the topic +Give your opinion+ clincher(ending statement))

Type 3: Advantages and disadvantages
The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but in the body you should write one paragraph for advantages and one para. for disadvantages. It would be better to compare them in the third paragraph of the body.

Type 4: Cause and effect:
The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but the body is different. You can choose on of the following ways for writing the body : 1) in each paragraph write a cause of an issue and its effects. In fact, you should write one cause and one effect in each paragraph; 2) write one paragraph about causes and one para. about effects.

Type 5: A Problem and Solutions
The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but in the body you should allocate one paragraph to the problem stated in the topic and write another paragraph for suggesting some solutions.

Regards
Ahmad

The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but in

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


I do not know because I did not download it. I bought it from a book store:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:Growing violence in films has affected youngsters in a negative way? [10]


Do not use "&" in writing.


Do not use contractions.



I think the use of the term "role model" is better than "child's favorite".


Behavior is an uncountable noun, so u cannot write it in plural form.


"effect" is a noun and u cannot use it as a verb. So u should replace it with "affect", "influence", or "impact.


U should elaborate on this paragraph. What negative effects? How can such scenes affect children?

the study of youngsters shall always beenshould always be controlled


I think u should revise these two sentences and write them as one single sentence with a better structure


Regards
Ahmad

Book Reports / I need help with my first English Lit essay (The Great Gatsby & the American dream) [4]


What you wrote as introduction was really good, but there is only on thing that I think you should add to it. At the end of an introduction u should mention that what issues are going to be discussed in the body. This part of the introduction is called "Blueprint". In fact, a blueprint is the outline of the essay.

I personally liked the second introduction because it was more related to the topic.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / The skill of writing letters will disappear completely - do you agree? [2]

Mobile phones and computers , which are accompanied by thea considerable development ofin technology, have today become two dominant communication tools. However, this fact ismay also linkedcontribute to the disappearance of writing letters day by day, causing many debates(what kind of debate? it is not clear.The topic stated the skill of writing and you should also mention this issue in the introduction. You should apparently write the thesis statement of the essay) . In my opinion, such worries are generally logic (Why?? write the reasons of your opinion briefly) .

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / 'learning more on computers and future' motivation letter for ms computer science [2]

Hi,
There are lots of samples and guidelines for writing a great SOP in the internet. U need to google "statement of purpose" and then u can find many different websites which can be helpful in this respect. Moreover, u can find many other samples in this forum that may help u to write a SOP.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'College, my second home' - Transfer admissions essay to Stanford [3]

As a child, I was forced to see my mother struggle to support my sister and me. I watched that my mother had to do very difficult jobsmy motherwork a series of odd job, rangingthat ranged from a cashier at a fast food restaurant to a maid at a motel. I had to watch my mother, thea woman that I love so deeply, get treated like she was worthless.


It is not a good sentence because Stanford is not you partner to fall in love with it.


What do u exactly need?

I looked forward to theget a chance to apply to the research honors track within the Department of Political Science because my current university does not offer thean opportunity to participate in an honors program that is specifically geared towards my major. I also looked forward(use another phrase. for example "seek") to thea chance to assist a professor with his research and study abroad at one of Stanford's overseas campuses.

I think you should work on the organization of the information that you have provided in the essay. I focus on the body. First talk about your educational and professional experiences. Then in the second part of the body connect these experiences to the Stanford University. Why do you want to apply to this university? u can answer this question through two separate paragraphs. In one paragraph write about the academic atmosphere and facilities of the university and in another one talk about campus and other features of the university.

Hope the comments help

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / (Music Choice / Pop Parade) IELTS COMPARISON OF TWO NEW MUSIC SITES [6]


An overview or conclusion, what's the difference? The aim of a conclusion or an overview is that to show the essay has mainly focused on what results and also to show the final paragraph of the essay.

Writing Feedback / (Music Choice / Pop Parade) IELTS COMPARISON OF TWO NEW MUSIC SITES [6]


:) OK then, u do not need to writ a conclusion:D. However, I believe a conclusion makes the essay stronger and in this way u can impress an examiner (as a result of better and stronger structure and organization). There is a difference between conclusion and a general trend. It would be better to write the general trend at the end of the introduction, but a conclusion is different. I recommend u to take a look at the samples of the Cambridge books (1 to 8), and then u will see that all of them have conclusions at the end which are different from general trends. For example, imagine a graph that compare the income of people in some European and Asian countries. As a general trend a writer can mention that " the results show that people who live in Germany can earn highest amount of income compared to other studied countries". However, as a conclusion it can be written that :"the level of income in developing countries is considerably lower than that in developed countries.". In fact, u cannot come to this conclusion before giving some data in the body. This is the main difference between a general trend and a conclusion (for writing a conclusion u need to give some results and information in the body)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:Growing violence in films has affected youngsters in a negative way? [10]


I did not say it is wrong, but I mean in writing all words should completely be written. a writer should not use "we're", "it's", "I'm", and the like.

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

At the end of the introduction you should clearly mention your opinion; Agree or disagree. Then state the reasons why you agree or disagree with the statement. This part of the introduction is called Blueprint which shows what issues are going to be argued in the essay and , in fact, it is an outline of the body.

they have to focus foron larger areas


What is the relationship between this paragraph and the topic?

Add a summary at the end of each paragraph.

Such partialities are attributed to unequal dissemination of services

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / 'Energetic and philanthropic' - goal statement, george mason university [3]

I think it is not appropriate to start the introduction with some statements about the university. U should begin with some interesting statements. It would be better to write about what encourages you to study and then talk about the academic atmosphere and the facilities of the university. I think you should write about the university in the body and after stating your educational and professional experiences. After stating such experiences you can connect them to the university and the reasons why you chose this place for studying.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should people take care of others_Discuss? [9]


An introduction has three main parts :1) Motivator/General background: Start the introduction with an attractive statement which gives some general information about the topic; 2) Thesis statement: This is what you wrote. Thesis statement gives the main idea of the essay and for writing that you should reword the topic; 3) Blueprint: What is going to be discussed in the body. Blueprint connects the introduction to the body. It is similar to neck which connects your head to your body :D.

In fact what you wrote as an introduction just included the second part (Thesis statement)


In this type of topic, you should write the conclusion as follows:
1) Restate the topic; 2) Give your opinion; 3) clincher (ending statement)

Hope this helps
Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]


Why did you write my name above?? :D This is not my essay !!!

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]


It would be better to write "in my opinion", "From my perspective" and the like, to show this is your opinion. I did not get that this is your idea. U should write your opinion clearly

In addition, you should mention the reasons of the position that u have taken.

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]


Yes, this is better than the first one. In this way a reader can easily get your opinion and he/she does not need to analyze the sentences to understand your idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-people who have original ideas... (scientists and innovators) [2]

For an "agree and disagree" topic, an introduction should have four main parts :1) Motivator: use interesting opening sentence to attract the attention of a reader. A motivator should also give some general information about what the topic asks; 2) Reword the topic to give some specific information about the essay; 3) Write your opinion; 4) Blueprint:mention the reasons of the position that u have taken (Through several words)

In the introduction that u wrote, u just stated your opinion.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS - REWRITE - Public libraries should not provide books only [4]

U should clearly mention your opinion and it would be better to write the reasons of your opinion (agree or disagree).


U do not need to open the paragraph with this statement. In the introduction u stated your opinion and the reader can find out the body is in basis of your idea. Start the paragraph with an attractive and clear topic sentence.


regardless of ...


The verb "help" refers to "resources" which is a plural word, so u need to use the verb without the third person "s"


Why do you think that they should do that?? Why do you think that such activities are negative and should be decreased? Explain your opinion apparently and support it.

Regards
Ahmad

Book Reports / I need help with my first English Lit essay (The Great Gatsby & the American dream) [4]


The answer is NO. As I told you a blueprint is something like the outline of the body and it also can be considered as the support of the thesis statement. In fact, it shows that what issues is going to be argued in each paragraph of the body. Pay attention to the introduction that I wrote below (I mentioned different parts of it) (The first sentence of the introduction has been written in the website "soc.ucsb.edu/faculty/baldwin/classes/soc142/scznDEF.html":

Socialization is the process by which children and adults learn from others. We begin learning from others during the early days of life; and most people continue their social learning all through life (unless some mental or physical disability slows or stops the learning process) (Motivator and general back ground. The writer of this introduction tried to open the introduction with the definition of socialization) . There are different elements that can influence socialization process (Thesis statement: the essay is going to focus on the factors which affect the process) . However, sociologists have classified all these effective factors into four main categories of the family, schooling, peer groups, and media (Blueprint: these four elements will be discussed in the body. In fact, the first paragraph of the body is allocated to the role of family, the second paragraph to schooling, and so on) .

Hope this helps
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should people take care of others_Discuss? [9]


The easiest way for writing a clincher is a prediction. For example:" If governments urge themselves to help both their own people and the individuals from other countries, the world will be a better place for living".

OR
"Nevertheless, different people have different attitudes toward the issue and it seems that they will not reach an agreement in the future" :D

U can write a question: However, there is still this question that "Which policy should governments an authorities take and which one is really true?". More investigations on the different aspects of this question may answer it in the future.

Do you think these clinchers are appropriate?

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]


I am sure that u can get a good score in the test, if you work hard. I remember that about two years ago, I could not write even one correct sentence. "Practice" is the key factor for getting better at writing.

Undergraduate / 'experience in health care prior to a PA' - motivation towards becoming a PA [11]


News is an uncountable noun, not a plural word.

Writing Feedback / 'acceptable solutions for global village' - IELTS-Globalisation [5]

Globalization ishasbecome a commonly used t] termword in the twentieth century (U can write the sentence in this way:"Globalization is a word which is commonly used in the contemporary century") . Because of globalization many things are adjusting and the world is becoming combined economically, socially and politically through, resulting in the assistance of technology and communication. Some people argue that globalization has a fundamentally beneficial influence on our lives, while others believe that it has a lot of badnegative effects on us. For better understanding of the globalization's effects both its positive and negative aspects should be viewed and discussed [Write a sentence to connect the introduction to the body (it is called Blueprint)]

Firstly, since the globalization is occurring, it has contributed to the world's economy with the beneficial ways, especially, the changes which happened in technology have allowed businesses to easily cross the boundaries(this sentence is too long and vague. Revise it. U should use better grammar .) . (how does it cause to technology cross the borders? Support it) Consequently, companies and factories are paying attention to generate goods which has a great quality (Support the topic sentence. Give examples, statistics, etc, to support what u claim in a paragraph) .

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]


Yes, of course, Rewrite it and put it in this thread. Shirin can I ask you something? Are you an Iranian??

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]

In our lifelives , there are many events or new stories thatmay happen minute by minute.each hour.But(do not start a sentence with "BUT")However, only whata small number of such events can affect us the most and change our lives, is important. Recently, the one that hasdramaticallyaffected(use synonym like "influence")me the most is about a woman fighting lung cancer.(Revise the structure of this sentence. It is hard to understand. U can write it in this way :"I recently met a woman who was fighting with lung cancer. This essay is about the effect of that woman on my life and the way that she could influence me") This story teachestaught (this event happened at the past, so you should use past tens) me efficiently and showed me how life is valuable and left a great influence on me.

To begin with, this story is about a woman who is diagnosed with lung cancer(u stated this in the introduction, so do not repeat yourself.) . She encouraged herself and her family to be optimistic and declinedshe never thought that her diseases could not be treated (u can use the word "incurable disease") . She was tring to spend most of her time with her family and enjoying her life (Here u should add some sentences to show how these observations could influence u. For example u can talk about the concept of "hope" here ) .

Moreover, she was a sociable person and she was chatting/communicating withdoes much charitable works to other people. Despite of her pain she iswas so lively and believeds that life is too short and human life is valuable because each single person is not replaceable (why did she think like this? Again, how her attitude toward life could affect u? explain and support it) .

All in all, (reword the topic at first) I greatly appreciate this woman who could change my attitude toward the world and life . Indirectly, she indirectly taught me a valuable lesson: there are situations in life that may rarely happenare hard to undergo , but nothing is impossible as long as we try to(I could not understand this sentence????)

U should improve your information about the structure of an essay. Each essay has three main parts: 1) introduction (Motivator+thesis statement+your opinion (if the topic be an "agree or disagree" type+blue print); 2) Body: Write two or three paragraphs to discuss the topic. Each paragraph starts with a topic sentence. Then u should support the topic sentence with examples, statistics, quotations, researches' results,etc. 3) conclusion: Reword the topic or the first paragraph+clincher (ending statement)

If you have any question about the structure that I wrote above, please ask me. I would be happy if I could help u.

Regards
Ahmad

Essays / I'm going to sit speaking test for muet... how to write essay effectively? [9]


If you want to improve your writing you should write and practice. Write an essay and put it here, then other students and moderators will review you work. The comments that people put on your essay will familiarize you with grammar errors, the true structure of an essay, and the use of appropriate words in different contexts.

Moreover, there are many different writing books and websites that u can use for improving your writing skills.

Good luck

Undergraduate / today most of the young children use mobile phone ,what is your opinion? [4]


If the topic is an "agree or disagree" type you should clearly mention your opinion at the end of the introduction, but if the topic is another type it would be better to state your opinion in the conclusion. In general, in a conclusion you should reword the topic at first, then give your opinion and write an ending statement.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "our" city, bank and school district - Causal Essay, English 101 [4]

Hi, I read the first three paragraphs and I really liked your essay and your writing style. However, I think in the second paragraph you are repeating yourself. The same problems were stated in the first paragraph (u cannot read, u cannot communicate with nobody, anything sounds strange for you). I, as a reader, could understand that you are a person who grew up in a foreign country, and now you are walking in the streets of your original country. So, u do not need to repeat this issue. This is just my opinion

Great job.

Good luck
Ahmad

Essays / What I would tell America's Founding Fathers... essay 300-400 words - how to start? [16]


Exactly. This is what I suggested Carlos Zhu previously. I think you can make your discussion more attractive, if take a critical look at the issue. As Kaylie said, compare what founding father expected and what the authorities and government are doing now. Consider various aspects such as poverty, freedom, employment, wars, etc.

Hope this helps
Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "our" city, bank and school district - Causal Essay, English 101 [4]


My mistake. It was just a misunderstanding. I'm sorry. I read the rest of the passage and I got your point. By the way, I still think the first two paragraphs should be combined and make them as one because they are revolving around the same thing.

Undergraduate / 'dependant on computers and technology' - past circumstances and major choice [7]



The preposition used for both "spend" and "accustomed" is "to". check the following terms in your dictionary: Spend something on something; Be accustomed to (doing)something

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'dependant on computers and technology' - past circumstances and major choice [7]

yes it is true, but what Bwang13 wrote was correct too. I made a mistake in the last post. The preposition of "spend" is "on". I spend my money on Sth.