Writing Feedback / Being afraid of changing can make people conservative and less interesting than others. [6]


It's too short and too vague.

---What are the problems?
---Why do they matter?

---What are your solutions to the exact problems you cite?
---What will your solutions accomplish?

Grammar and punctuation donotmatter unless you answer the essay question.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Should student study the same National Curriculum ? [4]

Don't make a list of points in your introduction. High school teachers (and teachers of all kinds) are wrong to tell kids to do this. Real writers don't do this, and on the GRE it amounts to nothing more than a waste of precious time.

However, YES to the rest of what you propose.

Undergraduate / Study Abroad/Gain Exposure of new culture; CU Boulder/ Diversity [9]

This is...interesting.

It's very readable and somewhat engaging, but I'm not sure you've answered the following questions:

How do you think you, dogsrule216, could enrich [their] diverse and inclusive community? (Look up the word "enrich" even if you know what it means.)

What are your hopes for your college experience? (There's a lot more to it than taking classes. Look up the word "experience" and read every part of its definition.)

Graduate / My work with obese patients opened my eyes ; PA/MPH program [5]

Aside from a couple relatively minor usage issues, I don't see any problem with this.

Am I to infer from your "more to the point" comment that you need to make this shorter?

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

What's the word count requirement (and how many words do you have now)?

Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]

The biggest problem with this essay is its vocabulary. (I've cited some examples below.)

Really, the whole essay should explain the "better living conditions" to which you refer at some point.


This sentence isn't about you.


What does this mean?


What kinds of knowledge? Why does it matter?


What does this mean?


Explain this.


These paragraphs are about me. They need to be about you.

Book Reports / Theme in Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass [2]

I'm not sure what to make of this.

1. What's the assignment in your teacher's words?

2. What's the length requirement?

3. In what specific areas would you like help?

Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]

Millions and millions of students do! It's a matter of practicing correctly.

Lots of people here (myself included) are willing to help.

Did my comments make sense? If not, I can try to clarify them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]


What does one learn from playing music?

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

List ten feelings that YOU associate with the word "time." I mean words...not phrases.

List ten different priorities you developed as a result of your friendship with James (again, exactly one word each).

Before you met James, how did you feel about the future? Give me five WORDS.

Give me five words describing how you felt about the future AFTER your conversation with James.

I need exactly thirtydifferentwords here.

Writing Feedback / Grade this GRE issue essay task out of 6.. feel free to point out any mistake [6]

I'm not a moderator, so I'll reserve comment.

As for THIS paper, it's a three.

If you'd like more input, let me know.

Writing Feedback / A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status [5]


Unless your name is Henry David Thoreau, you are not allowed to write sentences this long. It looks to be at least fifty words.


You've used the word "status" three times in one sentence!

The essay is an IELTS five.

Write an outline of the essay you've posted above. If you find it hard to do, then you'll be able to see what I consider to be the biggest problem here.

Undergraduate / I say with conviction that my neighborhood has helped me grow;COMMUNITY/App [4]

This is much stronger than the IELTS paper I just read.

Aside from some minor usage issues, the main problem I see is that the counselor paragraph doesn't really deal with your neighborhood. It's about the counselor.

Furthermore, I'm not sure the reader's going to buy your premise that an office is your neighborhood.

Undergraduate / I say with conviction that my neighborhood has helped me grow;COMMUNITY/App [4]

I owe someone an apology. I didn't realize that this and the IELTS paper were by different writers.

I'm glad to help the IELTS kid; sorry again if I came off as rude.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]


I'm giving you a "tip" as to the difference between a winning essay and a losing essay.

Your essay needs to be controlled by insights rather than facts.

This particular essay should focus on exactly the three things you mention above.


There is no "quick and convenient" way to learn how to write an upper-half paper.

Your teacher is wrong about how to write introductions. On a timed essay, you can't afford to repeat a single thing. You simply do not have the minutes to spare.

Read any essay written by any published professional writer. If you can find even one that includes in its introduction a "list of points" that are later repeated, I will send ten dollars (US) to the address of your choice as long as the postage itself doesn't exceed ten dollars. (Blogs and social media posts don't count---I'm talking about The New York Times, etc.)

Please, please, please...if you believe nothing else I say, believe what I wrote above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]

1. I'm sure he (like every teacher) had some valuable tips. However, you need to beware of any "one-size-fits-all" suggestion. If any of them worked, everyone would be using them. The fact that most people (even native speakers of English) do poorly on standardized writing tests tells you all you need to know.

2. As I said, there's no ONE way to organize ANY essay. What is universally true is this:

a) You must answer the question thoroughly as it is asked.*
b) You must say something unique.
c) You must NOT tell your reader what he already knows.

An essay is scored according to the following criteria (pretty much in this order):

---ORGANIZATION* (I'm NOT necessarily referring to how your paragraphs are arranged. See "a" above.)
---VOCABULARY (which does NOT mean the use of "big" words)
---SYNTAX, including GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, and USAGE.

If you insist on a template to use for each paragraph, here's one:

INTRODUCTION: State your opinion on the issue. If you'd like, you might acknowledge other viewpoints here (as someone else mentioned above).

Some regard musical training as a luxury or even a mere hobby. However, its benefits are vast and numerous.

You can write a little more if you'd like. However, I've sat in many reading rooms and you can trust me that on a timed test, the reader expects a very short intro. Often, it just gets skimmed.

Each BODY PARAGRAPH would discuss one of these benefits. Support with facts if you can, but don't overdo it. They're looking to read YOUR work...not an encyclopedia (whatever that is).

Lots of people have been "taught" that a CONCLUSION "repeats the ideas from the introduction." Wrong. Nothing should repeat. Instead, your conclusion needs to do what it says: it draws conclusions about the subject of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Grade this GRE issue essay task out of 6.. feel free to point out any mistake [6]

This can be true.

However, if I don't know my multiplication tables, should I be teaching arithmetic (let alone real math)?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]


I doubt that you "misunderstood" anything (or at least not "most of the things") that you have studied.

Your confusion is understandable---most students have been taught so much conflicting information that they don't know what the hell to do.

Regardless, I'm glad to help in any way I can.

I apologize for having caused "mixed emotions" on your part. Still, I've been around long enough to know how this game works.

As for using examples, of course you should use examples where appropriate and IF they don't take up too much space. However, one of the top essay killers is the failure on the part of the writer to explain the relevance of the examples. (If the reader sees your examples and wonders, "So what?," then you have a problem.)

Perhaps part of the problem (and this goes for my SAT, GRE, and AP students, too) is the overuse and/or misuse of the term "example." A better way to think of "examples" is to view them as FACTS or points of EVIDENCE.

You need to remember that, above all else, IELTS is a test of your writing fluency. It is not a history or literature test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]

gmad:

I have an assignment for you. It'll take between 20 and 40 minutes. Let me know if you'd like to try it.

Perhaps we could communicate via email as I don't wish to hog up this entire forum. (Of course, if you'd prefer and if no one minds, we can just correspond here.)

Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]


That's kind of like asking me to explain outer space.

However, here are a couple of general pointers:

1. Watch American television. I don't care whether it's simple cartoons or sophisticated news programs. TV shows people speaking English and using words in their proper context.

2. Listen to American talk radio (not music). On radio, the speaker doesn't have the ability to show the listener what he means. He is forced to use words to paint a picture.

3. Read quality English writing. Not every newspaper article or editorial is free of errors in grammar or usage, but you'll learn a lot of words fast. Plus, you'll see how smart people arrange the parts of their sentences.

4. Practice writing. Note that I didn't just say, "write more." That doesn't help. Find a sequential writing curriculum and follow it.

5. Get quality feedback on your writing. The right teacher knows what matters and what doesn't (and he or she plans his curriculum accordingly).

Graduate / Application for Master of Information Technology (MIT) [5]


There doesn't seem to be too much here that can't be found in your transcript.

What's the writing prompt?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Reward or punishment for a good behavior? [6]

The words "punish" and "reward" appear far too often.

The same is true of the words "good" and "it."

Remove the words "you" and "your."

Essays / Common app personal essay: selecting a topic for significant experience [8]

Start by making a couple of lists for me.

List the five most important things that have happened in your life. (Don't include your birth!)

List the five most important things you have done.

Keep each item very short.

Essays / "Choosing a Career is very difficult"; thesis statement [4]

They've given you the thesis:

Choosing a career is very difficult.

Your job is to prove that statement.

The stuff you've already written is fine for now. Use it as your introduction.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]


The word "passion" shows up more than once in the conclusion (once as a noun, once as an adjective).

This stuff isn't personal, so it doesn't belong in a personal statement.

Also, the word "make" doesn't mean much (unless you're making a cake, in which case the proper verb would still be "bake"). "Make" (or some form thereof) appears several times in your essay.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Aerospace Engineering being a student of Electronics & Comm [9]

This is more like a resume than a statement of purpose.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Aerospace Engineering being a student of Electronics & Comm [9]


As I said, what you've written here isn't a statement of purpose.

How will being an engineer (as opposed to a teacher, dentist, or plumber) enable you to achieve your purpose in life?

You've said almost everything except this.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Aerospace Engineering being a student of Electronics & Comm [9]


I never suggested that you edit this. Like almost every other essay I see here, yours is nowhere near ready for editing let alone proofreading.

Here's what you need to do:

Write about why you would like to become an engineer, what it is about you that would make you an effective engineer.

Pick a few reasons (not facts...reasons) and elaborate on each.

Write a paragraph about each of these reasons. Allow yourself 15-20 minutes for each paragraph. WRITE FAST, without thinking too much. Don't worry AT ALL about spelling, punctuation, etc. That stuff comes last.

Say as little as possible about what you've done in the past. (We might add a little of that later.)

Then post this new essay and I will help you from there.

Writing Feedback / Books and experience - rate my essay for TOEFL iBT [5]

This essay should be about the different kinds of knowledge we glean from books.

Therefore the word "knowledge" need only appear in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Books and experience - rate my essay for TOEFL iBT [5]

Sorry...ran out of time to edit last post.

main idea of essay = knowledge

one big paragraph = practical information

another big paragraph = we can learn about this and other worlds

another big paragraph = books teach us empathy and understanding

conclusion = final thoughts

My subpoints are merely examples (and maybe not great ones), but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say

Writing Feedback / Let various boards maintain their autonomy in preparing curriculum [7]


This is either a 3 or a 4. It's a perfect split.

If the right readers were to get it, you'd score a four.

The mechanical quality of your writing (grammar, syntax, punctuation, vocabulary, and usage) is a four, maybe even a five.

However, there are far more important factors than these. The biggest problem is that this essay is very repetitive. That will turn a four or a five into a three in no time.

This looks to be right around 500 words, but you could have written about 350 words without sacrificing any content at all.

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

Cool. I'll need a few minutes to check out what you've done.

Please respond so that I'm able to post my thoughts as the forum software allows only a few minutes to edit and it will take me longer than that.

Just write "okay" or something like that...

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

Okay...I was able to add another post.

I want you to add every single one* of these words to the revision I did. Use them in any way you deem appropriate.

---As best you can, use them in completely new and different sentences.

---You might consider writing about your attitude before and after your conversation with James.

*The only two I don't want you to use are focus and encouraged, as you've already used forms of these.

Then I will edit again and you should be close to finished.

Graduate / I want to provide a positive change to other's futures; PA/Personal Statement [4]


"Anything at all" is not sufficient.

Below are some general comments. If you'd like me to edit this paper, I'll be glad to do so IF it isn't due tomorrow and IF you take my suggestions to heart:

1. Reread the prompt. You have only implicitly expressed your desire to be a PA. Too much---far too much, really---of this essay is a list of things you've done. No effective essay is controlled by facts or events. In fact, every paragraph except the conclusion begins with a fact.

2. Your sentence variety is far better than average; from a mechanical standpoint you're an excellent writer. Your essay does NOT need much proofreading. (Proofreading done incorrectly will harm this paper.) Rather, it requires the most subtle of editorial changes.

3. Part of the "subtle editing" to which I refer above involves the removal of words that serve no purpose. Without giving away all my professional secrets, here are a few of these words:

---this, that (the pronoun form, not the conjunction)
---the verbs "to have" and "to make" (Yes, I know Emerson uses "make." Keep that one.)
---it
---positive/negative
---thing

Not ALL of these need to removed in EVERY instance in EVERY piece of writing...but they pretty much do need to disappear from yours, especially given that you have a wordiness problem.

I also see a couple of misplaced modifiers.

Anyhoo...the quality of your writing alone distinguishes this from two-thirds of all admissions essays. Unlike most of the admissions essays I see, this one will NOT hurt your chances, even when I take into account the problems noted above.

Undergraduate / I found my ultimate goals ; UW CSE - broad perspective to the engineering classroom [4]

---Make your conclusion into your introduction.

---Focus the body of your essay on simplicity, minimalism, and productivity.

---Post the next draft here and I will give you my next suggestions.

---We'll edit it for vocabulary, syntax, and organization.

Make the next draft as long as necessary to cover everything. Don't worry about the word count. I guarantee that we'll get it to under 251 words.

Writing Feedback / Human activity is harmful to the existance of earth; what's your opinion? [5]

This is a 21 out of 30.

Here are the problems:

---The essay is awfully short.
---It's even shorter considering how repetitive it is.
---Your overall argument sounds more like a science report.
---You haven't really addressed the human side of human activity.

There isn't much here that I either didn't know or couldn't find out.

If the quality of your writing were the only criterion, this would be a 23 out of 30. However, grammar and mechanics aren't a huge part an essay test score unless they're noticeably poor (which yours aren't).

Writing Feedback / Let various boards maintain their autonomy in preparing curriculum [7]


I think I've given you the most important tip I can give.

Tonight when I have more time I'll try to go into more detail.

Undergraduate / I found my ultimate goals ; UW CSE - broad perspective to the engineering classroom [4]


You're most welcome. However, I need to see the word "simplicity" in the first sentence of a body paragraph. Same goes for "minimalism" and "productivity."

Writing Feedback / MY THOUGHTS ABOUT WRITING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN, FAST OR EASY; Reflective essay [3]

What I'm going to show you below might indicate otherwise, but this is still a fairly strong paper. We just need to fix this problem:

This summer, I will be reading the rest of the short stories in 50Essay's to help expand my vocabulary more. I am after a new passion for WRITING and I told myself after that second essay, "I am going to overcome my fear and learn how to WRITE." Going into English 1A, I am excited to learn more about WRITING so that I can express myself at a higher level. I have a lot of work ahead of me before I am a great WRITER. However, the time that I have spent in EWRT 211 has opened my mind. Knowing English 1 A is not going to be easy or a walk in the park but I am prepared to WRITE about this new journey in my life.

This is an issue throughout the essay.

Writing Feedback / Social networks create more harm than good to teenagers. What are your views ? [11]

THESIS = main idea of entire essay
TOPIC SENTENCE = main idea of a paragraph

Each is a claim that you prove.
Neither should include much if any fact.

Also, it's none of my business, but I doubt that you're a failure. I wish you hadn't chosen that screen name.