Writing Feedback / IELTS : The high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of ads [3]

The length of your introduction isn't the problem.

Look at the prompt:

The high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of ads.

In the intro, you need to agree or disagree. You've done that. You did it in only one sentence, but you did it.

Each body paragraph needs to discuss a separate reason why ads are powerful.

What I'm saying is that the entire essay is too short. You need to divide the topic and elaborate on each part.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - How can young people be made responsible drivers? [8]

What is the essay question you're answering? I can't tell whether you've answered the question when you haven't posted the prompt.

Book Reports / The Old Man and the Sea literature essay [5]

What are you trying to prove here? (What's the essay question to which you're responding?)

Your writing doesn't make me cringe, but this isn't an essay so much as it's a plot summary. There are just a few sentences in which you analyze anything.

Well over half of a literature analysis essay needs to be analysis; well under half should be fact.

You have it the other way around.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:How should people spend money? Personal Enjoyment or Fulfilling Duties? [3]

This essay should focus on the consequences of people "spend[ing] too much time on personal enjoyment."

In other words, you need to tell me what's wrong with this.

Give some reasons and elaborate on each.

Undergraduate / Explore the world!; Who do you want to become in the next 10 years? [4]


(Read my whole answer because I'm not sure it'll be clear unless you do so.)
Rather than asking about careers, they're basically asking you two things:

---Why do you want to go to college?
---Why do you want to go to college in the United States?

The best way to answer this is to tell what KIND of person you'd like to be in ten years. Pick a couple of personality traits you'd like to have and then tell why you'd like to have them. Also, tell how ONLY a college education in the United States will help you to attain these "character goals."

You start to do this a couple times in this paper but you don't go nearly far enough:




Start anew, elaborating on the above ideas. Little else in the first draft you posted will prove very useful to you.

Your grammar is indeed a problem but it doesn't matter until your ideas are collected and organized.

You have the beginnings of a very special paper here (and I don't say that very often).

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - How can young people be made responsible drivers? [8]

They want proof that you know how to read, write, and follow directions. Let's take a look at this:

Young drivers are careless and overconfident They put forth a sweeping stereotype. Many adolescents (and adults for that matter) are NOT "overconfident." To the contrary, most are insecure.

too many are killed in accidents No one could disagree, but do their deaths necessarily result from carelessness or overconfidence?

To eliminate this problem, we could teach children the skills of safe driving while they are at school How does this change the personalities of the kids who are "careless and overconfident." Those kinds of kids often do poorly in school anyway. Furthermore, couldn't a kid learn "the skills of safe driving" from a private driving instructor?

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? This is the most important part. Read below:

INTRODUCTION: Should we teach driving at school? (YES or NO)

Each BODY PARAGRAPH would deal with a specific reason why you feel the way you do.

Book Reports / The Old Man and the Sea literature essay [5]


I'd love to, but that's like asking me to give you suggestions about life because literary analysis can take many forms.

I'm going to assume that this was your primary goal:


If so, you need to do the following:

Write an introduction. (I can help you if you'd like me to.)

Write three paragraphs of about 150 words (each) in which you identify and discuss Hemingway's "messages." (You'd write one paragraph per message. (In literary writing, "messages" are called "themes.")

Do these three paragraphs and post them. I'll look them over and then we'll talk about the introduction and conclusion.

Grammar and punctuation come last.

Undergraduate / The Power of Family - UC Prompt #1 [3]

A personal essay needs to be specific to its writer.

I've listed some cliches that appear in your essay. Rephrase them in your own words. (What you've written below are really other people's words. You're just borrowing them.)

This is a dealbreaking problem!

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Surest indicator of a Great Nation [7]


This is a significant improvement. Congratulations!

I will try to find time later to comment in more detail (mostly with regard to punctuation and phrasing).

Do you have my email address? (I tend to forget who's who.)

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree ? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. [10]

Compared to other issues, it means almost nothing.

Don't sweat it unless you're doing it for a sneaky reason.

Contractions don't lower scores either.

Undergraduate / Study Abroad/Gain Exposure of new culture; CU Boulder/ Diversity [9]

Your essay is flawed but it is NOT pathetic...and I'm not the kind to "sugarcoat" anything.

Undergraduate / Ronald Reagan once said "if you're explaining, you're losing" ; Why UCF? [3]


How? Why?

You've barely begun.

Undergraduate / I have always been a competitive person; Stanford intellectual vitality essay! [6]


Every word in the prompt counts.

You need to write about a single idea or experience that contributed to your intellectual development AND that reflects your intellectual vitality. (Look up the word "vitality" right away.)

Contrary to what anyone here tells you, it is perfectly acceptable to write about your AP bio class. However, you will need to rewrite it according to the guidelines I've detailed above.

To summarize, you must describe how this class changed you and, more specifically, how it changed your attitude toward learning.

Don't write about Batman.


This is a sentence fragment.

Scholarship / 'The Sun and the Sea' - My parents have taught me not to give up; QuestBridge [5]

It fits the prompt you mention HERE better than it does the one to which you responded above.

Undergraduate / My Dad cheated us ; COMMON APP [5]

The quality of your writing isn't a huge problem. (I can help with that at another time.)

However, too much of what you have written here is more like a short story than an essay.

I'm not even sure what the prompt is. (I'm guessing it's something like, "Describe a significant event and discuss its importance.")

Here's how it goes:

1. Briefly tell what happened.

2. Give me several body paragraphs, each focusing on a different WAY that this event changed or affected you.

Undergraduate / 'Wishing to major in American Sign Language translation' - About Me essay [3]

1. What's the essay question you're attempting to answer? (I mean the exact words from the instructions you were given.)

2. Who's your audience? (Who is this for?)

You've mentioned...

---"a woman" (who is later revealed to be you)
---the places you've lived
---your family (both generally and specifically)
---The symptoms and consequences of ALS

Only below (which is too near the end of the essay) do I start to learn anything about you:


An "about me" essay needs to tell me about how you're different from everyone else.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument; Child-rearing traditions in Tertia [6]


You're smart to have caught this omission.

This paper is a bit too short for an upper-half score.

Make a list of missing points of evidence and post them here in bullet form.

Post them here.

Here's what I mean:


This is really the main idea of the essay. (It should have been your thesis.) Your job is to identify which details are missing and then tell me how their absence weakens his argument.

You've partially accomplished the task but your discussion wanders around quite a bit.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial Discovery for people in my country in the last 100 years [7]

You've barely begun to address your subject!

What's the length requirement for this?

There is lots of fact here but not nearly enough analysis.

Please accept this in the helpful spirit in which it's intended...

A lot of students worry about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. Those things are important, but they are about one-tenth as important as answering the question and showing that you know how to think.

Grammar and mechanics do require attention, but that comes last---almost never first.

In this paper, your usage needs work but it wouldn't be the problem that lowers your grade or score.

Are you preparing for a test?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:things learned by children from watching tv and movies [9]


This person meant well, but I implore you to disregard his or her advice.

Undergraduate / As a young Haitian-American woman, I have faced many hardships ; MassART/ SOP [3]

For the most part, you've written an autobiography (along with some discussion of your goals) rather than really addressing the writing task. There's a big difference.

The job is to express what makes you unique and to let us know who you are.

Much of what you've written applies to lots of other people.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


I doubt that anyone can answer that for you (at least not in a sincere way).

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]

That's better.

Would you mind posting the exact words from their letter?

Otherwise I can't be as helpful as I'd like.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]

I don't know whether you need to add more because I don't know the exact question they're asking you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Opinion on wearing uniforms in schools [5]


If it's "obvious," then you need not cite it.

This is one key difference between a seven and an eight. (Am I correct that IELTS scores on a nine-point scale?)

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


This is in reference to your application for a Canadian study permit.. In order for us to continue the processing of your application, we require the following documents:

-Details concerning the length of your program

-Your study plan for the long term[/quote]
Got it. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't leaving anything out of your paper.


I think you have enough, but answer the questions I pose to you below:


Where does it say that this is required?

Also, when is this due?

I'll be back in a few hours to take another look at this.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


Thanks for the info.

I'm not sure what time it is where you are, but I will get to this ASAP. I have a couple students to deal with first.

As I wrote earlier, I'll get to your paper within a few hours.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


I am a private composition instructor.

After more than 25 years in high school and college classrooms, I couldn't stand the system anymore! Watching so much misguided and inadequate teaching was making my career miserable.

The pay is comparable but I can choose my own students and make my own schedule. Life is better.

Sooner or later I'll start a forum similar to his one (although I do enjoy helping kids here when I have spare time).

I sincerely hope that your career (like mine) will be more of an avocation---a passion---than just a job.

Writing Feedback / What is the responsibility of an educational institution? [6]


This is a three.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- "A development of more intensive ways to exploit the natural environment" [7]

There are no "resources" that will enable you to do this in a matter of days. None.

It's like asking me to recommend resources where you can learn mathematics.

When are you taking the test?

Writing Feedback / International and traditional music should be treasured and respected equally. [7]


This is a yes/no question.

You've hinted at the answer toward the end of your essay, but you haven't elaborated on it.

YES or NO and WHY

Undergraduate / Solitude was my only companion - The Hermit ; Personal Information - U Texas [6]

Your paper is fairly well written, but let's look at the prompt:

Write an essay describing your personal info you want considered as part of the application.You might include exceptional hardships, challenges or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.

Now let's look at it piece-by-piece:

---exceptional hardships
---challenges
---opportunities
---academic credentials
---personal responsibilities
---exceptional achievements
---[what] you might contribute

I'm not sure which, if any, of these things you've covered here.

Undergraduate / Solitude was my only companion - The Hermit ; Personal Information - U Texas [6]

Sorry so late responding; lots of students to deal with today.

It's not necessarily a question of erasing or shortening the storyline. It's more a matter of ensuring that your storyline fulfills the criteria outlined in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / What is the responsibility of an educational institution? [6]


Getting from a "3" to a "4" is difficult enough that I can't explain it all here. I'd have to teach you some skills that would require time and study on your part (not to mention mine).

The most pressing problem is this:

When I look at your essay from a distance on my old-school computer screen, I can see the word "education" (and other forms, such as "educate" and "educational") so many times that it almost jumps off the page.

I didn't even have to read the paper (although I did read it) to know that it was a three. One word or idea so deeply pervading an essay reveals problems in every important area of writing: organization, vocabulary, and grammar.

Over the years I have sat in many GRE (and GMAT and SAT and AP) reading rooms. You don't want to give the reader a reason to skim your paper, slap a score on it, and move on to the next.

There were similar problems with other words and phrases.

The good news is that your paper can't be a two because it attempts to answer the question and because your mechanics are generally strong. I realize that you'd like a six, but at the very least I can almost guarantee that you'll score at least a three on the test.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]

dumi is asking you to tell us exactly what question you're answering.

A prompt is an essay question; an SOP is a statement of purpose.

We can't tell whether you're following the directions, and that counts for a significant portion of the success of any essay.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]

Can we see the instructions please?

Also, what does "smart polymer's field" mean?

Even without knowing those things, let me tell you this:

Your paper looks more like a list of events than a declaration of your purpose.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]


You've discussed the following:

---basketball injury
---a PA who treated you with kindness
---your courseload

There's not enough here about how THIS particular profession suits YOU . Consider the following:


Many people (a friend, a clergyman, a relative, a gardener) could have eased your emotional pain. What you've given isn't a reason to become a PA. You've told us about this PA's personal qualities. I'm sure some physician assistants are kind while some are cruel.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument; Child-rearing traditions in Tertia [6]

Don't stop practicing!

However, you are right that you shouldn't do so "mindlessly." Millions of kids (not that you're a child or anything) just practice without knowing what they're doing. That's why the world is full of threes and fours on the GRE (and every essay test, really).

If you'd like, I can give you my email and I can give you more detailed advice.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

What makes you feel "desperate" about this paper?

How long does it need to be?

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]


Thanks. It was just phrased oddly in the context of your post title.


The college hopefully gave you instructions to follow in writing this essay. (They probably at least gave you a question to answer.)

I'm asking for that because I can't tell whether you're giving them what they want until I know what they want.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze Issue;Best way to teach- praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [7]

I don't want you to give up.

Are you online now? If not, when will you have an hour free?

I'd like to walk you through this.