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Posts by Xiaokai Jin
Joined: Mar 26, 2013
Last Post: Sep 12, 2014
Threads: 11
Posts: 23  
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From: Shanghai

Displayed posts: 34
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Xiaokai Jin   
Sep 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Public health. Should government introduce a law or is it a personal issue? [5]

Here's my updated version. I know it seems a little longer but I just want to exercise as much as I can before I take the test. I will try to make it more succinct next time. Thank you all in advance!

These days, as Ebola prevailing in the continent of Africa causes dozens of deaths, masses are gradually paying more and more attention to public health. As we all know, the main duty of public attention is to prevent disease, promote health and prolong life. As a result, some people argue that government should step up efforts to legislate for public health. However, others argue that there is no need for government to intervene in the public health. In my point of view, I concede that governmental agencies should step in and oversee the public health.

First of all, diseases such as Ebola or other epidemic diseases can be fatal and catastrophic sometimes if government fail to rein in it in the very first place. Consequently, the most effective way to reduce the damage resulting from such horrifying epidemics is to establish powerful laws to well regulate public health. For instance, government could introduce a law against citizens travelling to countries or places prevailing contagious virus. In addition, legislature could stipulate that corporation must provide employee with free physical examination once a year to make sure that employees are in good shape. Both corporation and workers all benefit from it.

Furthermore, too often, people having serious illness such as heart disease and high blood pressure don't have the enough expertise regarding food choice. As far as I know, so many people choose taste over health when they decide what to eat. In the short run, it might not be a big problem but in the long run eating too much junk food will cause some serious damages to your organism. So government should take prompt measures to make sure that masses don't eat too many unhealthy food. Having a healthy and strong population can be truly cost-saving for the government in the long run.

Given the materials aforementioned, I am convinced that government should introduce laws into the public health field. In the modern world, people having a stressful life are easily susceptible to illness both physically and mentally. However, if government can constantly keep an eye on the potential public-health risk, the chance that epidemics breaks out will be less and the property of people will be better protected. So strong measure like law establishment should be carried out.
Xiaokai Jin   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In modern world, everyone should learn to be polite to others under any circumstance [4]

Hi, Ryan!
Thank you for the constructive comments. I myself feel that my sentence is choppy too. But I don't know how to avoid writting choppy sentence. Is it going to better if I keep writing or is there any other way that I could keep practicing? Anyway, thank you for the time for reading my choppy essay:P

Thank you, MarianaS. I will revise this essay again according to your suggestion. Yes, I do agree with you that my conclusion part didn't wrap up well. I kind of get that feeling when I am writing it because it really is a painstaking job for me to finish this essay with an enlightened conclusion. So I will try to rectify that issue in the revised version:)
Xiaokai Jin   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Public health. Should government introduce a law or is it a personal issue? [5]

Thank anyone of you who helped me before. And I am keeping practicing. Hope someday my writing skills will be as good as yours!

Recently, food safety is gradually becoming one of the main social issues in many countries. In that context, government agencies and medical activists start to give serious attention to public health. On the one hand, some people argue that government should introduce rigorous laws into food industry. On the other hand, others prefer to make their own decisions about what to eat. From my perspective, I am convinced that people have rights to choose what food they want to eat, but government provide guidance that can help them know how to choose healthy food and keep fit as well.

To begin with, in the modern society, people living in a stressful life can be highly susceptible to many diseases both mentally and physically. However, if our government don't take prompt measures to supervise the food industry, it, driven by interests of shareholder and manager, will make an egregious conduct which will results in uncountable loss to the society such as the formula milk that indirectly make several babies died in China. Consequently, if people believe the self-regulate ability of food industry and the supervision of government agencies is unnecessary, we will be too naive and gullible.

[...]
Xiaokai Jin   
Sep 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In modern world, everyone should learn to be polite to others under any circumstance [4]

Hey, guys. I am back essayforum. So nice to meet you guys again. Thanks again for your helpful advice. FYI, plz give me the honest feedback and I appreciate sincere comments more than sugar-coated bullets. Thank you again!

Nowadays, I hear less thank-you and please in the daily conversation, especially among teenagers. From my perspective, it is very important to teach kids to respect other people no matter how dignitary or underprivileged they are.

To begin with, I am conceded that kids need to realize that other people deserve respects as much as they do. Otherwise when they go to school, kids who are born in wealthy family will despise those kids whose parents are not as rich as theirs, which will result in unfriendliness and fights among kids. Then, kids with the similar family backgrounds will start to form a group of their own. Ultimately, rich kids will no longer play with the not-so-rich kids. As a result, those kids lose the chance to know kids from different social class and exercise their social capability. All those factors will exert a major negativity on the kids' mental development.

Furthermore, things will get even worsen if kids from affluent class start to show off their superiority by bringing luxury goods into their school. Then, in order to prove that their parents are the richest, kids will compete with each other in terms of what they wear or what car their parents carrying them to school. In my point of view, that kind of ideology completely contradicts the goal of education. The purpose that kids go to school is to receive knowledge, learn how to communicate other kids and fit into a new, strange environment. Truly, money is very important but not as important as learning how to be a righteous and empathetic man when they grow up.

Given all the materials aforementioned, I am convinced that people should know why they should behave courteously in public and they should be taught how to show your respect to others in their very early days. Undoubtedly, kids are the future of our society. If we cannot guide them rightly, we will eat our own bitter fruit in the end. Finally, keep that in mind, "Treat others the way you want to be treated".
Xiaokai Jin   
Sep 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. [9]

All in all, it has been proven that celebrities are known as people who have the interests of society at heart. Celebrities create activities that can benefit communities, especially the children in many ways. In other words, celebrities not only teach children the way to be successful but they also raise their knowledge about the world.

Hi nguoi! Good essay again. I am going to re-write your essay a little bit. Hope it will be helpful.

1)In other words, celebrities not only teach children the way to be successful but they also raise their knowledge about the world.

I am not sure it is a great idea that you mentioned that celebrities will raise kids' knowledge about the world. From my point of view, in the conclusion part, you shouldn't come up with a new argument which you haven't touched in the previous paragraphs. I observe you talked about celebrities raising charity and setting themselves as idols to the kids.

So, why don't you write a sentence covering most of the main points you talked about above? Like, in other words, celebrities not only demonstrate their gird and courage by overcoming the hardship in their life, but also let the kids realize it is more important to help other people to get rid of poverty and predicament.

2)Celebrities create activities that can benefit communities, especially the children in many ways.
Sorry i dont fully understand what this sentence means. Please rectify me if I am wrong here.

Are you saying that celebrities make big contribution to the society from which children benefit mostly?

I will redo this sentence this way. Celebrities devoted themselves to the communities, especially by raising charity and helping underpriviledged kids.

Xiaokai Jin   
Aug 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: What can be done to maintain biodiversity ? [6]

To begin with, governments should invest in the budget for some botanical institutions like zoos and botanical gardens. This is necessary to save some species on the verge of extinction by controlling the reproduction and fertility rate of the flora and fauna. Having said that, this remedy can only be approach on a small scales and it will only protect a small number of species.

First, can only be approachapproached . Very good sentence, but if you can completely avoid spelling mistakes, that would be nicer.

Second, I don't know if you agree with this. But I don't think biodiversity simply means variation in the plants and crops, it could also include animals.

So, why don't you talk about how to conserve endangered animals here? For instance, you could say that government agency should promote wildlife protection by educating people about endangered species. Meanwhile, animal-friendly people can lobby for hunting endangered species to be illegal and for violators to face huge fines, or jail. Last but not least, people can be involved in the breeding of some endangered species in captivity so they can be released to increase their numbers in the wild.
Xiaokai Jin   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Studying at home or at traditional school? [3]

Hi MisterWandering,

I made a few revisions and here's what this sentence means.

However, what the science technology brings to students is really beneficial to their studying or studying at traditional schools is an always better option for students.

However, students can only benefit from science technology when they know how to correctly exploit these appealing high-tech devices, rather than be excessively obsessed to them.
Xiaokai Jin   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Studying at home or at traditional school? [3]

Hi guys, please give me some advice. I'll take the toefl exam soon. Thank you very much!

In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice.


With the development of science technology, it won't be a long time before students can access all the compulsory lessons at home by using technology. However, what the science technology brings to students is really beneficial to their studying or studying at traditional schools is an always better option for students. From my point of view, I prefer studying at traditional schools to studying at home for the following reasons.

To begin with, studying at schools provides more opportunities for students to communicate with each other face to face. To illustrate, when the teacher assigns a group discussion with a very intriguing topic for students in the class, it is very convenient for the students who are studying at home to take part in the discussion. What's more, even though they can join in the discussion in the manner of video conference, they still won't be fully committed to the discussion due to the absence of the enthusiastic feeling. Meanwhile, it is easier for students to come up with some innovative and ingenuous ideas when they are in the heated discussion. Considering they cannot see the expression of each other when they are discussing or cannot feel the excited atmosphere, it is very hard to spark the creativity of them.

Furthermore, studying at schools offers a more efficient atmosphere to students. For instance, when students are studying at home, most of them will tend to relax and play, especially when there is no person overseeing them. But, if students are studying at school, they will see plenty of students studying hard in the library, which will stimulate them to study even harder because in most cases, nobody wants to be a loser. So more and more students want to spend more time in studying in the library, which lead even more students to want to study in order to catch them up. In this case, a virtuous cycle will be formed.

To encapsulate, I am convinced that studying by oneself is not a good choice especially for those who have a very limited self-control capability. In the meanwhile, I also think it will be more fun to study at school where he/she could make a lot of new friends and hang out together in a real life, not in the cyberspace. That is a very important lesson for children to learn. As a result, I agree with the statement that studying at traditional schools is better than studying at home.
Xiaokai Jin   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Social networks create more harm than good to teenagers. What are your views ? [11]

Hi,elfailure
The content of your essay is very good actually, and seemingly every necessary element is in your essay. Point of view, examples, conclusion and so forth.

I just want to revise your conclusion part because I feel it is just too simple to complete your essay. I hope it'll be helpful to you.

By considering these things my conclusion is that social networking sites are only good if you know the limitation. We must be careful about what we are going to share on these sites.

These advantages I mention drive me to convince that social networking sites are only beneficial to people if they know what they really want to acquire from it. People who addicted to social networking sites will simply loaf around time on the Internet by refreshing the webpage again and again for nothing. The most crucial thing for people to know is advanced technology is like a double-edge sword. The only way people can take advantage of it is to stick to what our life goal is and never diverge from what you really believe in. In that manner, you will never lose the way in your life and always have a bright hope for future.
Xiaokai Jin   
Jun 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: HOW TO BE A QUALIFIED CO-WORKER? [3]

Thank you for your time! Please give me some advice!
23. We all work or will work in our jobs with many different kinds of people. In your opinion, what are some important characteristics of a co-worker (someone you work closely with)? Use reasons and specific examples to explain why these characteristics are important.

With the development of the civilization of human society, it is no doubt that globalization will become an inevitable trend. Many people with different education background and various cultures have to work together in a multi-national company in order to improve the competitiveness and quality of their service and products. So there comes a problem that what are some important characteristics of a co-worker. In my point of view, I concede that there are three crucial elements representing themselves on a co-worker. They are communication skills, analogous ideology and enthusiasm about his/her job.

To begin with, to be a good co-worker, it is necessary for him/her to have a good command of communication skills so that potential misunderstandings and conflicts can be avoided in the first place. To illustrate, suppose someone and his/her co-worker have some different arguments over a problem, they will probably end up with a fight for both of them lack wise communication skills. In that case, the relationship between them will strain and become uncomfortable, which will lead to a more unharmonious working atmosphere. However, if both of them know how to handle these kinds of things wittily and smoothly, the bad outcome mentioned above will never happen.

What's more, analogous ideology is another indispensable factor to be a good co-worker. For instance, considering someone likes to finish his/her task as soon as possible but with lower quality and his/her co-worker is fond of dealing with tasks in a slower pace but with a high quality, their disparate characteristics will result in inefficiency and low willingness to work.

Last but not least, having an enthusiasm about his/her job will be the last significant factor that I claim is highly important on a co-worker. Think about it. As long as someone and his/her co-worker have a deep love in what they are doing and are always energetic about their job, they are halfway successful. They will work around the clock and devote themselves to their task set up by their manager due to their enthusiasm and aggressiveness.

To sum up, to be a good co-worker doesn't necessarily mean that to be the same person who he/she is working together. The most important essence of being a good co-worker is to realize how to cooperate with his/her working partner to finish their task well. Without appropriate communication skills, analogous ideology and enthusiasm about job, it is impossible for someone to a qualified co-worker because they aren't aware of the importance of team spirit or cooperation spirit. So, if you want to be a good co-worker, here's some tips for you, think yourselves less and try to understand your partner's idea from his angle. Then, I believe that you will have a wonderful time in working with your working partner.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 31, 2013
Essays / Research Question - Death Penalty; Need a direction [10]

Hope what I say may help you.

Argument 1: It doesn't necessarily mean that punishing someone for his crime, even with death will prevent the similar tragedy from happening. What we should do is to find particular reason leading to the crime and take precautious/preventive measures to reduce the incidence.

Argument 2: With the development of the human civilization, our society should be aware of the savage of the death penalty. The essence of death penalty is human being kill each other, which is such a pathetic thing because among all the sensible solutions, we choosed one of the most primitive methods to deal with the wrongdoing of someone.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / Governments money for artsists; 'Artists have been seen as talented people' [7]

Hi, lilythuy2289.

spending more money on artist will devastate economy development gradually.

Investing too much resources on artists will have a negative impact on the development of the economy

Accordingly, many conflicts or protests related to this policy, absolutely, sooner or later will happen.

My version is ' As a result, it is no need to say that many conflicts or protests against this actists-support policy may stage sooner or later'.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/Agree) Establish a large shopping center in our community or not? [3]

Thanks lilythuy2289 .

considered a large shopping center set up in our community cannot but hire a lot of workers to help it run smoothly

By writing this sentence, what I want to say here is that if a large shopping center newly built in our community wants to run smoothly, it cannot but hire plenty of workers who constitute a intact organizational system of this large shopping center.

Hope this time I make my point clear.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/Agree) Establish a large shopping center in our community or not? [3]

Thank anyone that give constructive advise to me in advance! And thank you for the time to read my essay!

Topic: It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Recently, there is an argument that a large shopping center will be established in our neighborhood. Some people advocate that there are a lot of benefits of building up a large shopping center in our neighborhood, while others don't. From my point of view, however, I am convinced that the advantages of having a big shopping center in our neighborhood outweigh disadvantages of that.

To begin with, without any doubt, having a large shopping center here will bring more jobs into our community. For instance, considered a large shopping center set up in our community cannot but hire a lot of workers to help it run smoothly, the shopping center will employ a great number of residents in the neighborhood who cannot find a job here because they are short of enough experience or prestigious credentials. Then, people who get hired in the shopping center will get trained by certain department of the shopping center in order to make them meet the service standard formulated by the senior manager. Consequently, people's skills get improved, which also lifts their competence for finding themselves a new job if they are sacked due to the deteriorated economic condition in the future. So, thanks to a large shopping center, more people in the neighborhood will be offered a better opportunity to develop themselves and meanwhile, get their income higher.

What's more, having a big shopping center here will largely rehabilitate our neighborhood. To specify, more and more innovative products, or products with novel technology will be introduced into the shopping center. Hence, people here will be accessible to high-tech products or cutting edge products more easily and conveniently than before. With the assistance of all the ingenious inventions and novel products, it is no exaggeration to say that the life of people here will take a big step forward. Simultaneously, the advent of all these fresh new things will absolutely revive the life here.

To put it into a nutshell, making a leap forward in life quality and enhancing their working capability make me concede that it is a good idea of building a large shopping center in our neighborhood. With this large shopping center, there are more new channels for the people here to get in touch with the brand-new things produced from all over the world. It is no need to say that having a large shopping center around will add more color and happiness to people's lives. So it's a wise decision to agree on the statement that we'd better have a large shopping center here.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Arranged and love marriages. Discuss both views. [2]

To begin with, one of the biggest advantages of love marriage is that it freesexempt the parents from their responsibility of choosing life partner for their children.

Good sentence. But I just want to show you a more suitable word here.

believe that in performing them with the permission and agreement of parents.

I am sorry,but I think that most people including me are confused about what you are trying to say here. Please make your point clearer.

feedingrear/foster their own children,

Again, good sentence. Just show some new words.

In fact they understand their children and its needs

My version: In fact, they have a better idea of their own children and what they really needs in their marriage.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL;If I am to change something in my hometown,it is to provide more bicycle roads [4]

I am a citizen of a prettythe word "pretty" is a little bit informal big city
My version : I am living in a major city/in a cosmopolis.

It would make people healthier and will ease the traffic on roads. Your sentence is good and I just want to make a few changes here.

It would build up people's health/enhance people's health and will alleviate/relieve the traffic congestion.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / With the assistance of technology, students will learn faster and assimilate more knowledge. [3]

I would like to thank whoever give me advice or any correction suggestion. And thank you for the time to read my essay!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? With the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In today's society when the information technology is in his golden age, more information can be accessible to students in a more rapid and convenient way than before. Some people say that with the help of new technology, students can learn more and absorb knowledge faster, while some people don't. From my point of view, I am convinced that with the assistance of advanced technology, students can learn better.

To begin with, with the assistance of technology, useful information on the Internet can be accessible to students as soon as possible. For example, when a group of students are doing research for their presentation for the astronomy class in the library, they need a lot of information about astronomy to help them have a good idea of what they are going to present in the astronomy class. If they cannot use computer or other mobile device to search for necessary materials they need, it will definitely take them much more time to figure out what interesting contents they should present in the class. They will have to leaf through a bunch of books to extract some necessary material and if the book they need cannot be available right now, they have to wait until the book is returned. Anyway, without the advent of the information technology, there must be plenty of troubles and inconvenience students have to confront when they are trying to write a paper or anything not simply related to academia.

What's more, with the help of new technology, it is more convenient for students to discuss what they learnt in the class with other students who are not in the same school. To illustrate, if there is a biology community for biological amateurs or students who want to know more about biology out of the class on the internet, students from various schools will all come to this cyber biology community to share their new finding and interesting experiences. Moreover, maybe some professors from the biology department of reputable universities will also come to this electronic community forum to answer some questions came up with by the students. In this case, it is no doubt that students will learn faster and more.

To encapsulate, students being accessible to necessary information easier and more electronic community forum for students to discuss drive me to advocate that with the assistance of technology, students will learn faster and assimilate more knowledge. Anyway, there's no such things that is not a double-edged sword. So what people should do is trying to take advantage of the good side of it, but not vice versa.
Xiaokai Jin   
May 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ;Reasons for attending college- Increasing knowledge &preparing for career [8]

Here's a few suggestion I made and may what I said help you!
When people study in high school, what they are learntthey learnt only provide with them a fundamental education background.

I would write this sentence this way if I were you.
Some people do not satisfy with this experience because it does not serve their demand of getting knowledge.
Some people feel the knowledge which they assimilate from high school courses is far from enough if they want to get a high income job or achieve their personal value when they enter into their career.
Xiaokai Jin   
Apr 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/agree) spend money as you earn it or not [3]

Please give me some constructive advice! Thank you in advance!

Topic: Some people say that it is better to spend money as you earn it, while others think it is better to save money. Which do you think is better: to spend money as you earn it or save it? Use reasons and details to support your answer.

Despite the popular belief that people had better save money rather than spend it when they earn it, I maintain that it is a wiser choice for people to spend money as they earn it. I will back up my point with two crucial reasons. One is that certain activities which are especially made for youngster are not suitable for the old even if in most cases, the old have more money than the young. The other is that the more money people spend, the more impulse to make money people will have.

To begin with, certain activities which are particularly designed for the young are too dangerous for the old even if the old have more money. To elaborate, when a senior who may just retire from his/her old job wants to go for a ride/spin with a newly-bought sport car on the freeway, he has to give up such an idea because it is too dangerous for an aging person to drive too fast. It may end up hurting himself/herself or other people. But if people spend money in buying such a nice car when they are young, they can completely enjoy the fun of driving. As a result, people should spend their money when they earn it, the sooner the better.

In addition, people will have more energies and willingness to make money after they spend the money they earned. For instance, a shrewd businessman just makes a deal which will definitely brings millions of dollars to him/her. Subsequently, the successful businessman decisively makes a decision that the whole company will go to Hawaii for a vacation for free. Although the businessman pays all the money for his employers to go to a travel, the employers will have more vitality and enthusiasm to work after they come back from Hawaii which will lift the working efficiency markedly and consolidate the solidarity of the whole company.

All in all, I am convinced that people had better spend their money instead of saving them because certain activities are not allowed to do when people are getting old and people will have more energy to earn money after they enjoy the service that money provide. Do remember money is just a piece of paper with some portraits on it unless you use it.
Xiaokai Jin   
Apr 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Why do people work? Reasons/ Examples [4]

Hi, norza , although i am not quite good at writing, i hope what i did could help you. If I were you, I would write the last paragraph like this.

In finally I want to say that they lots of reason working in this world and not only money. So in this short time I have no enough time to explain ever thing. So working for money is good but not going over or greedier on that.

In conclusion, apart from working for making money, there are still lots of people who work out of kindness and patriotism. For these reasons, I am convinced that people work not only for earning money but also for other lofty ideas. So please remember that making money is an essential part of life but making money is far from everything in life.
Xiaokai Jin   
Apr 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/Agree) Establish a research center for agriculture in your country or not [2]

I'll very appreciate if someone can come up with any advice.
Thanks in advance! ^ ^

130. A university plans to develop a new research center in your country. Some people want a center for business research. Other people want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these two kinds of research centers do you recommend for your country? Use specific reasons in your recommendation.

A new research center will be built up with the assistance of a university in my country. There then comes an argument that a center for business research will be more helpful to our country's economy than a center for research in agriculture. However, from my point of view, I am convinced that a center for research in agriculture actually does seem to have an even more important role to play than a center for business research for my country.

To begin with, my country, China, has the largest population in the world. As a result, making progress constantly in the agricultural technology is very important to my country. With the development of this agriculture research center, more and more prominent experts in agriculture realm from all over the world will come to this research center to conduct various crucial projects such as, how to increase the agricultural productivity per acre, how to lower the side effects of using the pesticide and etc. That will clearly escalate our agricultural technology to a new extent.

In addition, undoubtedly, in order to sustain the stability of our society, my country cannot but keep developing agriculture. With a world-class agriculture research center here, our government will lay more emphasis on the agriculture and invest more funds into research projects related to agriculture, which is beneficial to the development of my country and also the development of the research center. That is one of the best examples of a win-win situation.

To put it into a nutshell, according to the particular national condition of my country and advantages of setting up an agriculture research center, I believe that to establish a research center for farming is the best choice for our country. Moreover, if with the forceful policy support of the government, the scientists make some unprecedented breakthroughs in the agricultural field, all humanity will benefit from that. Consequently, I think we should found a agricultural research center.
Xiaokai Jin   
Apr 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / What should children do during their leisure time? [3]

You write many good sentences. However, If I were you, I would keep my lastest paragraph more inspiring and profound.

Following is my version, hope that will help you:P

In conclusion, various capabilities developed out of leisure activities, escalating the ingenuity of the kids and bringing up children with the interest-oriented idea drive me to believe that children's leisure actitivies are not supposed to be educational only. The potential of an all-around development kid is much greater than a kid who simply focused on the academics. So not only should parents pay attention to foster the academic ability of their children but also lay more emphasis on enriching the children's leisure activities.
Xiaokai Jin   
Apr 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why people go to college? Reasons and examples [13]

Hi, malhamed. I'll be honoured that if what I said could be helpful to you.

At first, it's a good habit that you come up with your point of view in the first paragraph, like And that is mostly attributed to two points, have a better income and better position in society. . Very good! But in the following parts of your essay, I suggest that you'd better use more phrases like " in addition", " what's more", " last but not least" ," to put it into a nutshell" to make the sturcture of your essay clearer and smoother.

And then, I see that you've already used some good words in your essay. Nevertheless, if you use more academic words in your essay, more interesting and sophisticated your essay will be. I would like to revise a part of your essay.

One of my friends for instance, whose father is a big business man, went to medical college. Obviously, he did not need to work, but he wanted the title "Dr." before his name in order to get respected position in the society. Hence, I believe that there are many other people who care about making their career through higher education, but not for the money.

For instance, one of my friends whose father is a very successful businessman went to medical college just for a doctorate title, not for a bright furture career. Therefore, it's a authentic testament that the reason why some people prefer to get a higher educational degree is to get a preponderant position in society rathen than to make more money.

Keep practicing! Good luck!
Xiaokai Jin   
Apr 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / Businesses need to give more opportunities to diverse workers [4]

TOEFL: Businesses had better not employ the workers for the whole of their life

Thank you for your time even if you haven't got time to reply your advice.But I will be happier if you can post on your recommendation.

In today's society where profitability is always most concerned, here comes an argument that businesses are supposed not to employ the workers for the whole of their life. However, some people hold the opposite idea. Which approach will facilitate corporations to make a fortune? In my view, I am convinced that businesses had better not employ the stuff for the whole of their life.

To start with, a corporation which wants to make money in today's fully competitive market is eager to find novel ideas which can contribute to increase its sales. Suppose a corporation employs the workers for the whole of their life, fewer and fewer new employee will have chances to show their creativity and imagination. As a result, the products of the corporation will lose their competitiveness gradually, which will definitely have an adverse impact on the profitability of the corporation, in some cases, will even induce bankruptcy if the manager of the corporation aren't able to cope with the crisis well.

What's more, given the workers who are employed by the corporation for their whole life are keeping confronting with repetitive works, their efficiency of work will be lowered. That will also diminish the profitability of the corporation. If we could recruit new workers and lay off the old workers if they cannot reach the goal the manager set before, youthful vitality are drilled into the corporation. Consequently, the working efficiency is getting improved and the corporation is entering the virtuous cycle.

Last but not least, appropriate turnover rate of workers will largely lower the possibility of business corruption. Think about it. If someone has been working on a same position for a very long time, he must be very familiar with the people related to his work and they probably know how to take advantage of the oversight of the management to make extra money. If that happens, it will clearly lead to a huge loss of the corporation. Conversely, if the corporation replaces old workers with new comers from time to time, such situation will not easily happen.

In a nutshell, improving working efficiency, avoiding business corruption and developing novel ideas drive me to agree with the statement that businesses had better not employ workers for their whole life. I believe that wise managers will absolutely give up the out-of-date ideology and try to embrace the new thoughts, which means give more opportunities to diverse workers.
Xiaokai Jin   
Mar 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Disadventages of the Internet ; 45 minute Essay [8]

I see you've already made your key point clear, which is good. If you can develop more details after each of your key point, that would be better. Try to use more academic words and long sentences, because if you want to get a good score on your exam, you should write at least three paragraphs. Just try to read more essays here and keep practising. You will be great!
Xiaokai Jin   
Mar 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Teachers should avoid expressing their political and social views in classrooms [4]

Do you agree or disagree that teachers should make their social or political views known to students in the classroom.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

There is always a dispute about whether teachers should make their social or political views known to students in the classroom or not. In my view, I am in favor of the argument that teachers are supposed to avoid giving their views on social or political in class.

To start with, refer to the main responsibilities of a teacher, a teacher should impart knowledge, encourage his students to think out things independently, inspire his students' mind and of course get his students pass the exam. Those things are much more important than talking about his personal idea about social and political issues. In addition, making his social and political views known to his students doesn't improve the quality of teaching. Inversely, it will lower students' learning efficiency. Because students holding different opinions will start to argue with each other and even quarrel in the class, which will definitely make harder for them to focus on what they are learning.

Moreover, what a teacher should do is to teach his students how to think by themselves rather than implant his ideas into his students' thoughts. What's more, a teacher's saying and behavior always has a significant impact on his students when they are young. If a teacher transmits some radical ideas in his class, we should really start to worry about what kind of influence will have on our kids.

So, to sum it up, I am convinced that a teacher is not supposed to speak about his views on political and social issues. A qualified teacher should devote most of his energy and enthusiasm to how to make his curriculum more interesting and engaging instead of drilling his thoughts into his students' mind. So that's why I think a teacher shouldn't give his ideas about social and political issues in class.
Xiaokai Jin   
Mar 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

What you said is objective and reasonable. I myself also agree that bringing up children in the rural area is not a bad choice. Growing up in the countryside will help the know the hardship of life and cherish what they already have. Those are very important things in people's life as well. Anyway, thank you for your advice.
Xiaokai Jin   
Mar 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children should learn foreign language at primary school; 'hard to focus' [3]

lindalinda007

Hi, at first, I think it's a good essay. And I want to say I think if you can make your second argument clearer, your essay would be better. I mean, in your second point of view, you said middle school students are easier to regard learning new language as something boring, but what about kids in elementary school? Aren't they much easier distracted by other things and more likely to be tired of studying? So I think maybe you can choose a new angle to express your point of view.

I, myself, am also going to take a Toefl exam so my advice may be not so incisive and helpful. But if it could help you, I will be happy.
Xiaokai Jin   
Mar 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

In today's society where is full of competition, anxiety and resentment, some people think it is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. However, others are oppose to that idea. But, from my point of view, I am in favor of the latter idea because children growing up in big cities can have better educational resources, expand their horizon and integrate into such a competitive society.

First and foremost, children who are brought up in big cities are more likely to access to novel things, such as high technology, newly-built fancy restaurant catering special food, a blockbuster science fiction movie and so forth. As children are touching more and more things which they never have seen before in their life, their mind will be updated and stimulated a lot.

Moreover, in big cities there are much more outstanding educational facilities like big metropolitan library, schools with a long history and etc. With no doubt, someone who received good education in his early age is more likely to become an elite in his field. In addition, children who are well-educated are less likely to commit crimes, be addicted to drugs and things like that, which will largely improve social safety.

At last, today's society is full of intense competition which gives adults and kids a lot of stress. If people in this era are not able to treat the stress on them in a right way, they will have big problems, sometimes even get a severe mental illness. However, children growing up in big cities usually solve the concerns about tremendous stress in their life better because they live in such an atmosphere when they are kids.

In conclusion, although growing up in big cities will have some negative impact on kids, we cannot ignore the fact that there are more advantages of living in big cities than in the countryside. In a modern society, people need to have an open mind, optimistic mentality and know how to get rid of negative feeling. Obviously, children in big cities can learn these things more easily because they have all the advantageous resources I just mentioned above. So it is better for children to grow up in big cities.
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