Book Reports / Anne of Avonlea and Anne of the Island [3]


What in the world do you mean by that? Do her words depict her character? If so, how? What do they say about her?


This would be her philosophy or viewpoint on life, not her character.


I'm not sure why you variously use varying numbers of hyphens, but I am sure that no composition instructor will like that. Use standard punctuation.


This is a sentence fragment. Attach it to the previous sentence.


Who is "we"? Also, this sentence is poorly constructed. Do you mean to say something like "This might be called 'the root'"?


Why is this in parentheses?


This is awkward. Say, instead, "These are Anne's thoughts." The rest of this paragraph is very strong.

Writing Feedback / "Happiness is the same as crystal, the more sparkling it is, the more easily it breaks" [2]


That's debatable. Some psychologists would say that happiness is a quite tangible collection of neurological and physiological happenings. So, I'd suggest you phrase the second half of the sentence (which ought to be in its own sentence) less dogmatically.

Grammar:

Sometimes, happiness is as simple as a child picking up a coin on his way to school or finding a toy that he has lost for a long time.

When we are a little bit older, happiness is when we find our real love and get married.

Except, of course, for those of us who are banned from marrying our true loves!


If it's merely theoretical, how could we feel it?

Grammar, Usage / I need correction of the sentences below [5]


This looks to me like a homework assignment through which you are supposed to demonstrate your ability to do these things. We are not here to do your homework for you. We are here to give you feedback on your own writing. We will be happy to give feedback, including suggested corrections, on any of your own work that you post on this forum. But we will not complete this homework assignment for you.

Scholarship / Spiral - a scholarship application [4]


Huh? This sentence seems to spiral. It's not quite a tautology but certainly does not explain how spirals could be interpreted as evidence of an omniscient deity.


I'm not quite sure that is true. Certainly, scientists seem to believe that the natural world makes sense, even if we do not yet have the tools or knowledge to understand its logic. That's a far cry from positing some sort of unitary "logical force" that governs the world.

In summary, your writing is often lovely but your logic is sometimes spotty.

What's the purpose of this essay, I wonder? To demonstrate your creative writing abilities? To demonstrate your knowledge of natural science? To demonstrate your reasoning abilities? Which may determine in which direction you should take your revisions.

Writing Feedback / A Trip Back in Time [3]


I suggest that you make the time. Saying that you don't have time to talk to her will only increase her belief that you are not doing your best.


This is a sentence fragment.


Read this sentence carefully. Do you see the word that makes it mean something other than you intended? Careless proofreading always makes teachers think you are not doing your best.


Many lessons? Or two lessons? Your sentences need to agree with each other.

Undergraduate / 'Biomedical engineering' - Johns Hopkins Essay- Supplement critique [3]

The story is poignant and well told, but the transition to what you want to study is jerky. I got thrown off by physics and environmental science. It feels almost as if the halves of two different essays have been mashed together. Work on the transition. Otherwise, the essay is strong.

Undergraduate / Why I want to get into psychology - admission essay [4]

You've already outlined your outline:

I. Introduction
II. What Freud would say about you or your life
III. Your life according to Erikson's psycosocial stages
IV. Your moral development as assessed by Kohlberg
V. Conclusion

Graduate / addressing a tricky topic-business school essay-Comments welcome. [3]

You do an able job of explaining your unemployment and describing the valuable things you did with your time in the interim. I love the spectrum of activities and believe this will make you a stronger candidate. Indeed, you might want to add a sentence sketching the span of those activities -- from cubist painting to literacy volunteer work -- to your first paragraph. It might also be a good idea to add an anecdote or example of a person you met to the section discussing your volunteer work.

I'd omit the paragraph that begins "In closing." You've undoubtedly made that belief abundantly clear elsewhere in your application materials. No need to belabor the point here.

Undergraduate / "I opened up little by little" - Describe the world you come from [18]


Like many readers, when I see the word "honestly," I expect that the person is about to lie to me. Cut this.


Not at all! Young people routinely pronounce that they will be doctors, lawyers, astronauts, and presidents. Marine biologist is much more sensible. Cut this self-consciously precious sentence, as it makes you seem egotistical.

I can see what you mean about the conclusion: You don't have one. What you need to do is to summarize the main points of what you have just written, stating clearly how these make you a good candidate for UC.

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to spend more time working than being with family? [3]

This is a solid effort for a TOEFL or IELTS test. Your grammar is generally good, and the essay is well organized.

Sometimes your word choices are not quite right. For example:


I think that you mean to say here that such people build a family with things rather than relationships.

There are a few minor errors. For example:


Here, you should say "people" rather than "person" and place "of" after "question."

Finally -- this won't hurt you for IELTS/TOEFL but it's good to know for essay writing in general -- be careful with terms like "always." It's generally a good idea to be more moderate in one's phrasing unless something is absolutely true all the time.


People can have a harmonious family but do poorly at work for other reasons. Some people escape an uncomfortable family life by pouring all of their energy into work. So, here, you should say "usually" where you say "always."

Undergraduate / "Benny? Benny?! Where are you?" (Rutgers essay appl.) [18]

This is a compelling story, and I can understand why you have told it. However, having a cousin with autism doesn't quite speak to the question of "your talents, travels, leadership activities, and cultural experiences" and how they will lead you to contribute to the "vibrant community" at RU.

If you do stay with your cousin's autism as a theme, be sure to break this into paragraphs and edit down the details of that one day which, while traumatic, does not at all answer the question to be answered in this essay.

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]

If you are a PhD student at the point of beginning your dissertation research, you must have some idea what you would like to study. To get ideas of the kinds of topics typically researched by students at your school, go to the library and browse the section where all of the dissertations are housed. You might also ask your adviser for a list of the titles of the dissertations of recent graduates.

Once you have a topic and have conceived how you are going to research that topic, we can help you with the process of writing your prospectus and, eventually, your dissertation. But any ideas we, who are not expert in your field, might have about topics would not be particularly useful to you.

Undergraduate / 'Soccer fascinates me' - Common app short essay [12]


Actually, I believe it was Thomas Edison who said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Always make sure that you are correct when quoting.

But you ought not use that quote, unless you are interpreting "common application" to mean "say the most commonly-said thing you can think of."

Scholarship / What can you contribute to ___ essay? - alumni scholarship [11]

So... What do you think? What is the role of alumni in the development of a school? Do some brainstorming -- writing down ideas as they come to you without judging them or stopping to elaborate them -- and then look back over your list of ideas to choose the ones you will include in the essay. Organize those ideas into an outline. Write a rough draft. Post it here for feedback.

Undergraduate / UCF "Bump in the Road" (Experimental Drugs) [5]

By the end of the school year, my friend had officially lost all of her friends and dropped out of school.

(Unless there was some sort of ceremony, there was nothing official about the loss of her friends.


No, because even as it stands it does not answer the question. You've described the "bump" and how you initially responded but not answered the key question of how you have adjusted to this and how it will affect you into the future. Do you now wish, for example, that you had taken direct action with your friend once you saw that simply trusting her mother to do something was not an effective course of action? What would you do differently if a college friend began using drugs?

Writing Feedback / It is more important to reserve land for human beings than for endangered animal [5]

Of course, almost everyone wants that .

Please leave some space for the animals.I f not, someday in the future, we will find the only animals on the earth are humans.

We have made so many mistakes that many kinds of animal have disappeared from the earth.

If we had thought more about other species, we wouldn't have lost lots of our neighbors.

West Africa lion, white wolf, West Asia tiger...a huge number ofso many animals are extinct.

Also, there are still numerous animals on the verge of extinction .

One day, when the spring comes, there will be no birds, no ducks, no butterflies, not even a single mouse around us.

Undergraduate / What I would pay for peace [6]

You can't come up with a structure or an introduction until you have determined what you are going to say. Do some brainstorming until you have enough ideas to fill an essay. Then organize those ideas into an outline. Only then will you be able to decide what should go in your introduction.

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]

If you are supposed to write a detailed description, then all you need to do is decide at what level you will write your description. If you or your family celebrates Christmas, you could describe a typical Christmas at your house. If not, you could describe Christmas day from the perspective of those of us who endure empty streets, closed shops, and nothing to do on a day when the government enforces a holiday mandated by a religion other than our own. Or, you could describe the Christmas season, with its orgy of consumer spending and glutinous consumption. The possibilities are endless! You just have to decide.

Undergraduate / "on our way to Africa" - rutgers admission [3]

This is a good start: You've got the rudiments of an interesting essay that answers the question. Your narrative is a bit rambling, but with a stronger introduction and a summarizing conclusion that applies what you learned inyour travels to your future studies at Rutgers, you should be in good shape.

Undergraduate / Two Months in Peru [6]


This is a bit much. Imagery is good, but "my mind submerges into a pool of crystallized memories" is a bit extreme for thinking back on a time when you learned to do your own laundry.

That said, this story does serve the purpose specified by the prompt.

Undergraduate / What I would pay for peace [6]

Yes, this would be a good place to start. You could then expand from domestic violence to other forms of violence and go on to express how truly valuable peace is to you.

Undergraduate / A Mother's Influence (Common App Essay) [4]


The topic is that or just revolves around it?

I ask this only semi-sarcastically, because I notice a tendency to talk around what you want to say rather than just saying it directly.

Essays / Best way to practice writing essays... [5]

Look in your AP English textbook. There are probably questions to stimulate thinking after each reading. You could use those as essay topics. You can also find such topics in any college composition reader.

Of course, to improve your writing, you'll need feedback on the essays you write. You can use this forum, but you might also want to enlist a classmate. You could both write essays on selected topics and then swap and critique your work.

Undergraduate / How will the realization of your dreams create a lasting imprint on society? [9]

You don't begin to answer the question until the penultimate question and, even then, we must read into what you say to extrapolate the answer. You never say directly that this is the field into which you want to go. Nor do you say specifically how doing so will create a lasting imprint on society.

So, you're going to need to cut back on the philosophical musings that begin the essay and add some specificity to the conclusion.

Essays / Rogerian Argument essay on "moonvertising?" [2]

Arguments for: Sorry, I can't see any. "Marketers will benefit" hardly seems like a strong argument -- an entity that belongs to nobody (and therefore everybody) ought to be defaced so that a small number of profiteers can make more profits? I don't see how that is an argument that would convince anybody other than marketers. So, you're left with: It could be used for a good cause, e.g., teaching everybody on the planet how to use condoms in order to avoid the spread of HIV.

Arguments against: Could start wars over access. Would certainly hasten global warming due to the extreme greenhouse gas emissions associated with rocket lift-offs. Would surely contribute to the growing "space junk" problem. Defaces an entity considered sacred by a number of faiths (sort of like putting up a McDonalds on the Dome of the Rock.)

In a Rogerian argument, you don't come up with a compromise. Instead, you find common ground on which everybody agrees. On abortion, for example, there is no compromise possible. However, all sides agree that unplanned pregnancies are unfortunate happenings. Furthermore, no unplanned pregnancies means (virtually) no demand for abortion, making the controversy essentially moot. Therefore, the Rogerian argument is that all sides should work together to end unplanned pregnancies.

So, the question becomes: What would both opponents and proponents of moonvertising agree? Is there something that, based on this agreement, could be done to make the moonvertising controversy moot?

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

I guess you could say, "I never had a paid work experience, but I did learn x, y, and z from my volunteer work." This will be especially apt if you did some volunteer work that was in any way distasteful but you stuck with and learned something from, as that experience most closely matches what one learns from paid work.

Undergraduate / My house is a farm (UF college admission essay) [3]


Not true. Many farms grow fiber and vegetable crops only -- no "livestock."

Furthermore, the metaphor doesn't work anyway. Are you suggesting that your relatives are "livestock"?

Your last line is excellent. Consider using it as your introduction, replacing the atrocious "famr" metaphor.

Writing Feedback / Psychiatrist are doctors that deals with prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of mental disorders [2]

You need to break what is now your second paragraph into several shorter paragraphs. What is now your final paragraph repeats some of the information from the previous paragraph, including the fact that you interviewed Dr. Austin after your psychology test -- which is a piece of information we didn't even need the first time around.

Otherwise this is fine if all that you were asked to do is provide an account of the interview. I like it that you included how you felt, as it is important for people who will be going into psychology to be attentive to such things.