Scholarship / Need help in ideas for financial aid scholarship [4]


^This is a personal question that requires your personal opinion to be expressed.

What do you mean, by

Undergraduate / interest in interactive media - University Entrance Essay [3]

There are a number of grammatical errors in your essay that should be corrected.
But the more important matter at hand is that you fail to mention

Undergraduate / Psychology Undergrad: Work Experience as Laser tech [4]

I thought the content was quite good. I just did not like the final sentence, because I am sure you can come up with a more effective finale.

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]


^
Do you not even know what topics of HR management interest you and which ones you want to research?

Undergraduate / "I am a dreamer." - BU 3 words to describe myself supplement essay [3]


^What makes you so sure that 'most' people do not know who they are. And you are only believing. Beliefs can be false.

^It is nice to see you compliment yourself so strongly, however for the most part, you use subjective claims and you do not provide any thing that can actually support your claim and make others, such as myself, actually believe you. For example, can you give me an instance of how you ALWAYS have new goals for yourself and rarely think something is impossible. Also, having hopes is wonderful but priding yourself on being unrealistic is not a strong selling point.

Furthermore, I fail to see how just staying at home by yourself supports your claim of being autonomous and you always shall be.
Your examples are very weak and fail to support your bold claims on your personal strengths. This applies for your whole essay.

Undergraduate / Becoming a Cardiovascular Surgeon - VCU Personal Statement Help [3]

^The first sentence is not required.
In regards to the second sentence, what makes the school 'prestigious' with an 'excellent' program. Flattery is cool, but can be fairly unconvincing as well.

The third sentence is..meh?


^This is a personal experience, but I fail to see how this relates to the essay prompt which is asking you why you are choosing VCU.


^This chunk also fails to specify the reasons why you have chosen VCU.
It would seem that from this essay prompt, you are not required to narrate a story or a personal experience as much as you are to discuss why you want to study at VCU and why you feel that is a college that suits you.

Graduate / 'my career as a Visual Artist' - Statement of Purpose for Graphic Design Course [8]


^I think you can do with removing this. It is fairly cliched and not particularly informative or convincing enough to make you a strong applicant for consideration, in my opinion.


^First sentence is practical. You can d with removing the second sentence however.
I dont see how you acn ''ímply'''your studies.
How do these experiences relate to your course though? Id advise making the connection stronger and suggest how you can transfer any skills you have developed to the course you are applying for.


^I do not quite understand the point you are making in the second sentence.


^Your first sentence is just a generalization and misuses pronouns.
Knowledge and understanding...of what?
communicate and adverstise...what?
A fairly unclear paragraph.


^
On top of a graphics chart???
how is a well established instituion?
your last sentence needs grammar revision.

I am assuming that you are applying to the Central Arts of London in that case.
I suggest being more specific about your graphics course and how you expect to benefit from the course , how you are suited for the program and Uni, and why you feel that you should study there.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps motivational essay (why you are interested in joining the Peace Corp [4]

In terms of content, I do not quite see your material as particularly convicing.
Your examples and statements are fairly abstract and general, rather than concrete and personal.
My two cents.

Undergraduate / An example of introduction to the instructor - correct way of writing? [5]

You have not posted an essay, or any body of text, apart from the essay title.

Undergraduate / This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film [12]

The soft cushioned chairs, the light smell of popcorn and the mesmerizing screen. This is my escape, my chance to leave the world of violence, sadness and difficulty outside. For those 2 hours I am immersed in a whole new world: The world of Film.

This is
I am immersed
^Is this a routine ritual, or something that happened once in the past?

Now this was a cute dream at nine, but as I grew older I realized that the dream of being in the movies had transformed. I realized in high school when I first saw Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi that I did not just want to be "in" the movies I wanted to create them. I wanted to hold that shiny new camera, I wanted to call out directions, and I wanted to create the angles most directors only dreamed of. Most of all I wanted to create something that would inspire someone, anyone to find their dream.

^First sentence is unnecessarily cliched for my liking.
Second sentence revision: In high school, when I first saw Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi, I realized that I did not want to be in movies. Rather, I realized that I want to create movies.

3rd sentence: Did you want to, in the past? Or do you still want to do those things?
4th sentence: The same thing applies to ''wanted'' once again. Creating ''something'' is vague whereas creating a ''movie'' is specific.

My parents had always been adamant that I earn a degree. As the youngest of three girls my sisters left little hope that we would be attending a graduation ceremony in the near future. When my dad retired after twenty years with the VA hospital and numerous moves we finally returned home to Texas. In this time I attended twelve schools in twelve years. Making friends was hardly worth the effort and my main focus became school and I graduated in the top twenty-five percent of my class. I never dreamed that college would be out of reach when I graduated high school but when my dad became disabled and unable to work I left my acceptance to the University of Texas at San Antonio behind and continued working full time while attending Northwest Vista Community College. For the next eight years my only concern was applying to the Radio/Television and Film school of the University of Texas at Austin. Each class selected was purposely chosen to coincide with UT's requirements. I watched as all of my high school classmates completed their degrees and walked the stage. I vowed to be the first member of my family to graduate from a major University with a Bachelor's Degree.

^Personally, I found this boring.

My purpose is to accomplish my dream of finishing college, earning my degree and inspiring others with the films I plan to create

^Revise grammar parallelism

As a Mexican-American I have watched films that portray people of my heritage in a negative light. The stereotypical images on screen are solely of gang members, drug dealers or prison inmates. Oddly enough very few Latino characters are portrayed as college graduates. As I struggled to continue to attend school while working full time I now know why Latinos are portrayed in film this way. When you have very little money and works fulltime to survive, it is easy to let school slide to the back burner if not completely off the stove!

^The first four sentences are, what Id consider to be, fairly controversial generalisations.
Your final sentence's simile is rather ineffective in my opinion (I dont get it)
Furthermore, the pronoun ''you'' in this context is incorrect.

I want to become a part of the film industry not only to change the negative view of minorities in film but to also change the view of Latinos in this world.

^Perhaps, you can give an example of how you can do this? Its one thing to make a big claim. Its another thing to know how to live up to that claim.

Undergraduate / "my own unique and irreplaceable personality" - FSU Application Essay [3]


^Cliché. Vague.


^An example of how you do this would be helpful.

Your opening sentences are enough to bore a reader, such as myself.
Work on a more engaging opening, for starters.

Good luck x

Writing Feedback / Sex Trafficking, an issue of international significance [3]


^It is fairly well spoken about and fairly well publicized in my opinion.
O, and your punctuation in the first sentence needs to be worked on.
*This is just the first sentence, and it already quite problematic.

Undergraduate / "Church and Family"-UC prompt 1, "Being Observant"-UC prompt 2 [3]


^This is not related to how this aspect of your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.


^This is all quite cliched and hence, boring. I suggest removing it, or finding a better way to write it.

Undergraduate / Qatar, Middle East - Describe the world you come from .. "what shaped my dreams" [2]


^Right. The first sentence is highly subjective and not necessarily true. Also, ''different'' and ''unique''..to what?
Also, I fail to see how pointing out that you went to a public independent school, let alone mentioning that it is ''one of the best'', is of any importance. If it is one of the best, the Unis that you are applying to will know this (Assuming that your and their understanding of ''best'' in terms of schooling is mutual)


^What motivated you Faisal...?


^Right....Its great to see that you are a proud Muslim, but is there a reason you are mentioning this? Because right now, it just seems that you are mentioning that you are a proud Muslim for no reason.

To be honest, I personally see no reason for this entire paragraph.


^You abbreviate too often here. I would suggest not abbreviating. At all.
Also, earlier you pride the multitudes of cultures in Qatar, and here, you say that there is not enough (to promote English).


^Literally of this is just a giant cliche.
Also, the whole ''success'' thing can be removed in my opinion.
Effectively, your entire conclusion needs to be reworked.

My two fils Faisal

Graduate / "to pursue retail management" - Human Resources Grad Admission [3]


^Personally, I think this can be removed.

Also, you resort to an informal sense of writing. I suggest implementing formality in your writing piece.

I hope other people take a look at this and help you out Brett.

Graduate / "the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing" -need help with sop writting [3]


^^Might I suggest completely removing all of what I have quoted.
Furthermore, I dislike your use of cliches in the opening sentences. Phrases such as ''reach the summit'' ''benefit human life'' and ''quench my thirst for knowledge'' annoy me because they are boring and have been used countless times before. Imagine how the Admissions staff might feel when they have to come across those ineffective phrases.

Graduate / (research in the field of composite materials) This is my SOP. [2]


^I personally do not believe the need to laud the fact that you went to a boarding school for ''gifted'' children or that you went to one of the ''biggest'' universities in Iran. One of the biggest literally means nothing, because it is not THE biggest, so I personally believe it is quite useless to even bring that point up.


^
I stopped reading here. Hopefully others shall be able to help you.
Whilst the first sentence does have an obvious grammar error, ''very interesting'' could either be omitted or elaborated on.

What makes you think that you were the only student who could publish a ''strong'' paper?

Undergraduate / CUHK, planning to study Public Health in college, China experience ("why essay") [3]


^
Hi. Personally, if it is just American culture, how is there cultural diversity? Surely diversity refers to a range?


^^Remove


^Examples can help

Overall, I think it is decent. Some work can make it even better

Undergraduate / Physics and Computer Science -- caltech Supplemenent [3]

You have submitted it. No need to be fussed, nor worried anymore
Good luck

Undergraduate / Why I want to be a doctor and what are my skills/accomplishments. [4]


^Very cliched starter. Capable of boring a reader immediately.


^You make a claim of a passion that supposedly grew. Nothing that proceeds your claim does anything to support it.
If you make such a grand claim, its always good to support it. Otherwise, it just stands as a claim.


^Again, more claims. What proof do you have that you are very competitive, and have a tendency to overachieve? Is this just in your opinion, or is there a way of actually proving that you actually have these qualities? If it is the former, you are doing little to promote your modesty.


^How are you an active person and appreciate social activities? Playing piano, reading, and watching movies are not necessarily social activities. And going to a swimming lesson is different from swimming as a means of competitive/physical activity.

Ill just leave it at there. You appear to be very academic, which is great. But you make claims that need to be supported.
It is like me saying that my father invented the question mark. (Stole the joke off Austin Powers, yes).
As far as it stands, it is just a claim that my father invented the question mark. No one cares. People would rather be presented with proof that my father invented the question mark. Hope you get my point

Good luck dude

Undergraduate / "promising marketing career, computer software, engineering" - transfer to NY college [4]

Had a skim read. Seems alright. There are some obvious grammar errors, which you should be able to rectify upon proof reading.
Perhaps you can develop on what your academic, professional and personal goals are in more detail? (If you have the word space)

Hopefully, others shall help you with this.

Good luck man

Undergraduate / Asian Studies-Gender Studies-Art-Yale transfer [2]


^Do not understand how quality of life is ephemeral...


^always?


^Perhaps you can remove this. If you knew it was perfect, then there is no need to transfer?

It seems that you have done some good research on Yale's programs, to be honest.

Hopefully other people shall contribute to this essay so that it, can also become a piece of art (Lame wordplay, yes.)

Undergraduate / "In drawing and in economics" - Transfer for Art and Economics [2]

^Well, as a 'last minute' suggestion, I would suggest removing all of this. Therefore, your reader can start reading from the paragraph that directly explains why you want to transfer; the reader can get to the point more directly and quickly.

Your reasons for transferring seem fairly strong and well-researched, by the way.

Undergraduate / Computer Science faculty - Tell us about your academic potential and accomplishments. [6]


^Personally, I believe this is irrelevant and thus would suggest removal.


^Grammar is considerably off here. Also, this sentence sounds more like a brag than a sell.


^'Our' should be replaced with 'my'
*Worthy of trust=remove/rephrase.


*In regards to your extra-cirruculars essay, I personally suggest an extra cirrucular that does not pertain to IT. By no means am I saying that this is the necessary or correct thing to do, however I just believe that showing interests other than just IT would show more diversity in yor character.

Nice one dude. Good luck

Undergraduate / "Interested in medicine" - Personal Statement: your reasons for applying to course [4]


^Remove all of this, and mention how you are interested in Medicine in a few words.


^Remove


^I dont understand how wanting to know that is simply wanting to help people; remove first sentence


^Too cliched and generalized, therefore you can remove seeing as how you are past the word limit (otherwise, I would have suggested an elaboration)


^should read 'xx and I'. Remove the 'impelling' adjective.
Just say, I asked 'Dr.Katherine?'


^replace with 'she said'.


^Remove


^Seeing as how you mentioned in your opening sentence that you never took medicine seriously, find a way to rephrase this. Alternatively, you can remove this point completely.


^Chemistry classes to help understand people better?

EDIT: Good luck Pete

Scholarship / "Bangladesh is a very poor country"- reasons to apply, scholarship essay in Education [5]

I only read your first two paragraphs, and I found grammar errors and boring cliches.

^Whats wrong with different curriculums? In the UK, some schools follow the IB program, others A-level etc.

Personally, I think this essay lacks your focus. Perhaps it is rash of me to base that judgement on the first paragraph alone, but please attempt to support your statements if you are going to make any

Undergraduate / "Sharing blessings is what makes life worth living" - experience that has molded you [4]


^Sounds a bit fake in my opinion.

^Considering the essay prompt, you dont have to discuss why you have chosen the University.

The essay has grammar errors for certain, as well as cliches.
Am I right in believing that giving away your toys was a significant experience that has molded you into the person you are now?

Undergraduate / 'optimistic, musical geek who can cook' Stanford Roommate [6]


^Interesting. It is Stanford that shall be reading this, rather than your room mate, so I am not sure how keen Stanford will be to read that their student population is mainly comprised of geeks. Furthermore, there are people that get in through athletic scholarships, who may not have the typical academic acumen that most Stanford kids are known for.

This has always been a tricky essay prompt, and I do not know the right formula. Whether to write it casually, or formally, since it is the Stanford Admissions office that shall be reading this only.

Graduate / Passionate programmer following the dream to persue MS in CS. [5]


^I may be wrong here, but I think this is just a filler.


^This would be a perfect chance for you to prove how you managed to learn more than what was prescribed in the academic curriculum. Take advantage of this space, rather than just stating an achievement and not backing it up.

Writing Feedback / 'Which Way to Go' - my reflective essay [3]

I am sorry, but the first few paragraphs were rather boring as they read more like something from a history book rather than as if it were from a reflective essay.

Try and engage your reader from the beginning, than boring them with facts that your reader may already know/not care about. (As harsh as that may sound)

Undergraduate / 'free tickets for this Sunday's concert' - a significant risk Malcaulay honors [3]


^I envy? Incorrect grammar.

Undergraduate / How did you spend your last two summers? Princeton supplement [2]


^Boring. Remove in my opinion.

You make several basic grammar errors as well. Proof read and you should find them

Writing Feedback / "This is the third time you've almost lost it" - Free Response Essay [4]


^Should be in past tense, and questionable use of semi-colon.

And I dont quite know what activity you were doing in this essay. Some form of rope climbing? But how did you secure yourself as a winner?

Undergraduate / 'Being different and wanting more equality' - Personal common app [4]

LGBT is a rather controversial issue. Are you sure you want to write about it? It may upset some readers, and that is quite risky in my opinion.

Just my thoughts however. Perhaps a moderator will disagree with me on this one though, but if you do feel passionate about the topic, then it should be alright. That doesnt necessarily reduce the controversy of the topic however.

Undergraduate / 'My job at Staples and its wonderful influence' - CommonApp short answer [2]


^Grammatically suggests that you were your first job... Fix this?


^Questionable relevance to your work experience.

Undergraduate / "Auto-didact" My Commonapp Essay [2]


^Misinformed assumptions? Such as?

I already disagree with you.

Undergraduate / 'what Darwin or Newton or Einstein felt' a personal quality, talent or experience(UC) [5]


^Lost interest there, due to your poor attempt at modesty.

Undergraduate / 'what Darwin or Newton or Einstein felt' a personal quality, talent or experience(UC) [5]

Corrective measure: Lose the attitude? Its poor from the start.

Consider it this way. There may be/are applicants that are better than you, so much so that they may what you have accomplished look meaningless in comparison. So boasting about something that is comparatively meaningless does not put you in the spotlight. At all.

Be modest and humble, and sell as yourself as being able to achieve more rather than showing off what you have already achieved.

Undergraduate / 'more in-depth learning process' - Optional Harvard Essay [2]

I had trouble understanding the first five sentences of your essay. Not because of the quality of English, but to your overuse of jargon.
You have used too many science terms that could easily disinterest an average reader who has no/limited interest in the topic. In my case, I just got bored and didnt even bother reading the whole thing. Just consider little things such as this

Undergraduate / 'there are many more mountains to climb' - University of washington Personal Essay [2]

^Reads like a forced quote, and everything that proceeds it is rather cliched for my liking. Basically, a dull opener.