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Posts by Mayada
Joined: Jun 29, 2009
Last Post: Dec 28, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 96  

From: Saudi Arabia

Displayed posts: 102 / page 1 of 3
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Mayada   
Jun 29, 2009
Undergraduate / The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay [9]

Yeah I agree.. You should focus more on your grammar, maybe let an English teacher revise it.

As for the content, try to make it more focused. Unlike what Simone said, people are part of the world you come from, but try to include something about the place as well..

Aren't there any ways that you can show that you're hardworking, kind, and caring.
Oh, and how did the bad situation in Ethiopia changed you and your personality? That would be juicy..
Mayada   
Jun 29, 2009
Undergraduate / My UCF undergraduate admissions essay...I am dying to go here critiques? [6]

It the intro is the problem here.. then why don't you say that the challenge your facing is a life with no challenges, and no opportunities to take risks. You can elaborate in that point and start off it..

To be honest, when I look back at my life, I've been most creative only when a challenge came before me in my life. I feel sorry for the ones who have no challenges to force them to think out of the box.

lol, you can quote me. I'm Mayadah Alhashem, a 17 year old.
Mayada   
Jun 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "My Mom" - help with most influential person essay. [9]

brandon
Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest and this lovely lady is my Mom.

- I think you should use a different adjective instead of lovely, because what influenced you isn't her loveliness. ;) -

My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has showed me that if I want to succeed in anything the I will have to put my all into it and put in the extra time to make sure it is being done to its fullest extent. Another important value she has taught me is that if you are going to start something then you have to finish it(,) lose the comma.

This ((trait)) plays a big part in my life and motivates me ((to complete my)) tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and ((pushed me to)) continue playing until now, my senior year.

I don't really no.. I think it's ok. Although you should perhaps focus more on the HOW. How did your mom influence you? Try to make it clear to the addmissions what your mother did to bring you up to be a special person..
Mayada   
Jul 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes [4]

I already wrote an essay but it certainly won't fit in other essay prompt. I wrote another one..

Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes. Simple doings do lead to change, like putting a smile on an orphan's face, be there for an old friend who needs you or to simply treat your younger brother well for a week. These would make a huge effect if made by many, and these are the kind of activities I try to include in my daily life. However, I am aiming at giving the world something to remember me with, and to make a massive accomplishment under a name of a woman, a Saudi Muslim woman.

I have been always a huge fan of Powerpuff Girls when I was younger, and I've always wanted to be the forth Powerpuff. Perhaps I found that cartoon appealing because females were starring in it, and they were the ones responsible of everything. I still want to be a woman super hero, and I believe I can by tackling different issues at the same time. I can correct Islam's misrepresentatives' mistakes just by holding on to my beliefs and beautify my personality by the morals of a Muslim individual, and by satisfying today's needs as much as I am capable of. On the day of 11th of September, 2001, terrorists, whom might be Muslims, gave the world something terrifying for them to remember. I want to give the world something as shocking, only beneficial. This leads me to the next problem: the scarce sources of energy, and saving the environment. I am willing to utilize my education to take a next step toward relying on renewable energy sources. By succeeding in my life goal, it would be a challenge for the issue of women's empowerment, as women would realize that we do not wait for chances to make use of, instead, we make our own chances.

It would require lots of effort and work, as well as the best quality of education which I am going after. I am concerned about the huge dependence on oil in this world, especially in my country. Running out of oil would cause a huge damage in our country's economy, which might send us back to tents and on camels. The major I desire was chosen not only for my affection toward chemistry, but also for the reason that I chose to think about individuals other than myself for a change. Not that I never thought of others, but such a major decision in my life that requires dedication and continuation was never given for the sake of someone else before. I will never consider myself successful if I lived for myself, and I never want to be known for anything but making a positive change in this world.

Thanks for all the help.. This place is amazing
Mayada   
Aug 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

Interest in math, science, or engineering manifests itself in many forms. Caltech professor and Nobel Laureate Richard Feynman (1918-1988) explained, "I'd make a motor, I'd make a gadget that would go off when something passed a photocell, I'd play around with selenium"; he was exploring his interest in science, as he put it, by "piddling around all the time." In a page, more or less, tell the Admissions Committee how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.

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I usually fall in love with things I consider easy which I find myself good at. This explains how I can be a writer, an artist, or a dancer.

I am fond of drawing, because my hand skillfully creates magic between the pen and paper that compels them to work together and bring out the best of what could be accomplished by these two. I can see myself in whatever I draw, whether it's a girl, a horse, or simply abstract art that is not understood by anyone but me.

I love writing, because I can better express myself on paper as I can rephrase my message a thousand times in my head before I get out my final piece. I can hear myself speak, scream, and whisper in my writings, sometimes all at once.

I cannot live without dancing, because I cannot stop myself from moving collaboratively with the beats of the exciting tunes of music. I can feel myself through observing my moves working and cooperating with sounds and jingles.

However, that is not why I desire to be an engineer or why I care passionately about science. Science was different. Science challenged me, and I was up for it. I fell in love with something that I actually found challenging.

I am fond of math, because a simple unsolved equation invites me to crack it. I can see myself in whatever I solve; I see a person with problems in her life that is ready to be cracked. When it's free-time at school, I tend to ask my teacher for math questions to compete with my friends in solving them.

I love physics, because it provided me with answers that I found illogical in the most logical way. I can hear myself excited and cheerful about discovering a new answer to a question I have always had. I skip my way to class when we have physics when most of my classmates watch me, surprised.

I cannot live without chemistry, because it is subject that deals with mystery and predictions made by scientists who might have been a lot like me in one stage of their lives. I feel myself in chemistry, and I feel that chemistry is my path to success in my life.

I decided to take my relationship with math, physics, and chemistry to the next level by choosing to major in chemical engineering. I fell in love with chemical engineering because I can see, hear, and feel myself a chemical engineer.

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thank you everyone!! Your feedback is very much appreciated.
Mayada   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

Yeah that is totally true.. Relevance..
That is the main problem.. but to be honest Liebe could have commented in a nicer way like the rest of you did, I mean, I did put effort into this and it is an irrelevant essay but she can't say that it isn't strong at all..
Mayada   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

:$
yep, sorry..

Anyways I wrote a whole new essay, hopefully this time it will be relevant ;)

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Interest and curiosity are never satisfied without experimenting, and I wanted to satisfy part of my curiosity and explore my interests. The summer of 2009 was the last summer before I start applying to colleges, making it the best time to enroll myself in a program that would help me rate my interests.

I attended weekly programs for four weeks at Michigan Technological University; Explorations in Engineering (EIE) which I won a scholarship for, Wide World of Chemistry, Chemical Engineering, and Catapults, Rockets, and Robotics. Being from Saudi Arabia, I had to be really wise when I chose this program, for the fact that it is a thirteen-hour flight to New York, and a six-hour flight to Michigan. "It better be worth it!" I thought, waiting for our arrival at Houghton, Michigan.

The first week, which was in EIE, was exploring most different types of engineering. Each day we explored two types, continued working on two-group projects, and had different lectures. The projects I chose were Exploring Renewable Energy and From Imagination to Creation with Computer-Aided Design. Working on computer design and trying to figure out how to work with NX 0.5 caused putting my mind on never majoring in that field. Through projects, I realized what I am really passionate about, renewable energy. We built wind turbines. We discussed the pros and cons of each renewable energy source. Our instructors noticed my serious interest in fuel cells, and by the end of the week, they brought a speaker to introduce us to fuel cells, and that was the first time I saw one in my life. The explorations facilitated and assisted me in my major-choosing process. I discovered that nanotechnology appeals to me, and most importantly, chemical engineering felt right for me.

The weeks that followed confirmed my choice as I enjoyed chemistry and chemical engineering. In chemistry, I got to break a flower, a phrase I wouldn't have understood before I was introduced to liquid nitrogen. We did not only work on experiments, but we also were responsible of conducting one and explaining how it happened. I never took chemistry in English, and being able to explain what I demonstrated made me feel capable. As for chemical engineering, we operated machines manually and from a control room. I enjoyed being what I want to be in the future for a week. The last week, although beneficial, was not that fascinating to me. I am now determined on what I want to be.

At the beginning of the program I was excited about science and engineering. Now, I am passionate about them. At the beginning of the program, I did not understand myself, nor did I identify my interests. Now, I know exactly what I want to be and what my alternatives are. I thought that this program will end my curiosity in science and engineering. Instead, it increased it tremendously, and I understood that it will never end.

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thank you everyone :)
Mayada   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]

When comparing one to himself in childhood, we tend to find many differences, but if we look deeper, we can see that he resembles his younger personality, only now he has become more into what he used to be. It is rational to find new traits in his personality, but in the end, being that child is a base of what he is in the present.

My mother used to keep lists of different things, one that led me to this discovery. There were lists of the things we wish to have or do, one for each of my brother and me. Each item on my list has evolved into a quality in my personality. Flower, the first item, could be interpreted as my tenderness and softness with whoever surrounds me and the ones I love and care for. "Learning second grade's subjects," shows ambition, as I was a first grader by that time. Colored pens, a sharpener and an eraser, reveal my interest in art, which I have improved throughout my life. A mobile, (which I never got until an older age), demonstrates the desire to be connected to others. A piano, to me, was a chance to learn more, as I would have to learn to play, as well as a buoy to help me learn how to swim. Traveling to Dubai illustrates how I like to travel, yet I am economically considerate for choosing a nearby destination. Swings, a slide, and a seesaw display playfulness and an urge to have innocent fun. A backpack from "Toys R Us" that could transform into a chair proves how I prefer the compressed and practical. New shoes portray an interest in fashion, and now shoes are what most interest me when it comes to clothing. Renewing my room's furniture expresses how I like change and modification every now and then. Lastly, a mid-sized Qura'an (our holy book) symbols religious belonging. It symbols my Islamic identity. It symbols my beliefs and values. These items partly define me, and tell me who I really was.

Today, every item means something to me. Each item tells me about myself, and how I haven't changed, but only developed what I already had all along. Trying to understand myself has been very difficult when I feel that my life is complicated, and that I have plenty of things going on, but trying to compare myself to what I was helped, as it showed me that a sunflower only grows from a sunflower seed, and I have grown from my own seed. Just like growing up makes you bigger in size when you're still the same person and look similar to what you were, my different qualities have also become bigger in size, although not always for the best, for no one is perfect. Everything around me shaped who I am at this moment, nevertheless, no matter how much they see me unlike who I was in the past, the fact that I originated from that little girl I was ten years ago cannot be denied.
Mayada   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

I did appreciate your feedback,but you could have said it in a nicer way.. and I'm sorry for assuming that ur a she, Faisal.

Hmm, can you tell me how I can make it more of a relevant essay? Seems like I have a problem with that.. It's hard to write about how u "express" things, and that last essay is as close as I can get..
Mayada   
Aug 17, 2009
Undergraduate / UT topic B (freshman) - Costa Rica, issue of importance. [5]

I think you should focus more about the main topic, why this issue is of importance to you..
and about the intro, it's really good for an essay but shouldn't you consider ur audience? ur asking these questions to an admissions dude.. maybe u should address yourself instead of saying what have "you" done to reduce global warming and stuff..

But it's great that you noticed those details when you went to Costa Rica!!
Mayada   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

Well obviously my problem is not a lack of interest in science. I am truly interested and I am willing to do the impossible to achieve more in those fields.

The thing is about "expressing" interest is my problem. Expressing means showing, and I show interest to myself rather than showing it to others, because it's something that involves me personally. The reason why I chose that program was because it was all about engineering, and this is how I expressed my interest, by choosing this program to spend my summer on instead of a really neat Harvard leadership program that I really want to attend. I show interest by reading about fuel cells and renewable energy; the things I really like. This is how I showed interest, by actually doing something about it.

You, Faisal, have said that you would have spoke about your interest in biology, and "what" you did because you had this interest.. The problem is it's a tricky question, and it's really hard to keep on track in the whole essay, that's why I need help.

Thanks for ur help btw :)
Mayada   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]

I just re-read my post on this thread. I wanted to apologize now if I came across as a little harsh.

It's ok.. I've heard worse ;)

None of those traits tell me that you will be a successful student in the US.

This is a normal essay. I'm in a Saudi school.. It doesn't matter in this essay if I will be a successful student in the US or not, lol..
Mayada   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

^I reread the question. You do not only have to discuss interest.
'interest, curiosity, or excitement'

there's an or.. so I can base it on any or all ;)

But whatever.. since I was having problems with the topic, I asked the assistant director of admissions , using an e-mail i DEFINITELY won't use when I apply to Caltech, lol, and she said:

"It's fine to explain how you satisfy your interest."

Anyways..

I wrote another one.

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"Yes, I am positively sure." I said, determinedly. That was one of the few times I replied that way after giving it thought. My mom wanted to make sure that she wasn't talking to the stubborn me again. I can't deny that I was confused at first, but after thinking about it, I am certain that I have made the right choice.

Never did I try so hard to exploit my summer. When I did in the past, it was unintentional, but this time it was different. It's the last summer before I start applying for colleges. I was confused between two programs, unfortunately, I couldn't attend both. A leadership program in Harvard sounded very appealing to me. I could even get myself the sweatshirt I have always wanted. Yet, I chose to go to Michigan Tech.

I have known science; I have had a general idea about its topics and applications. I have always wanted to be an engineer, but apparently, my thought of engineering was totally different than it really is. I thought engineering was trying to fit science into real-life, and since I was curious about how that happened, I chose to apply for a scholarship to experience the Explorations in Engineering program. I enrolled myself in chemistry, chemical engineering, and how stuff works for the weeks that followed.

In the engineering week, I realized the misconceptions I had about engineering. I have always wanted to be something I was ignorant about. Now that I have not only found out what an engineer was, but also tried to be one for a couple of weeks, I became more eager to solve problems. It turned out that chemists and biologists are the ones who apply science to life, not engineers as I assumed.

I was grateful that I chose Michigan. I even tried to make the best of it, since, unlike most; I came a long way to the US. I was specifically interested in fuel cells. Usually, I bore people with questions and get a not-so-good response. In America, asking to many questions got me a speaker by the end of the week. Dennis Meny, who studied fuel cells, showed us a fuel cell. He showed us the parts and briefly explained how it worked. "Do you prefer hydrogen fuel cells of methane?" I asked. He preferred methane saying that we lose energy trying to store hydrogen, while methane is easier to deal with, even if the process produced carbon dioxide, it could be taken advantage of by making use of the carbon dioxide's pressure to keep it running. In another week, the chemical engineering instructors hosted another speaker. That one preferred hydrogen claiming that the carbon dioxide from the methane fuel cells is going to end up affecting the environment anyway. I knew about both almost enough to have my own opinion by then.

Since I am willing to become an engineer, I asked about the obstacles in the way of proliferation of fuel cells. Identifying the problem is halfway through solving it. The membrane of a fuel cell is costly, for the metal used is rare. "Hmm, since it's rare and we're running out of it, we need to find other metals to use. They'd be cheaper too!" I offered. "We're actually doing some research about it." Dennis replied. Maybe one day I will be a member of that research team, hopefully not too far.

I sat comfortably on the chair by the aisle, and asked for water. I kept wondering what would have been if I chose that leadership program. I recalled how my mother preferred us going to Cambridge. I giggled. Mostly, my mother isn't easy at all, neither is my brother. "Well I am a leader alright." I thought. "I did drag my mom and brother all the way to Houghton."


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Mayada   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery. [6]

I was struck overwhelmingly by the state of confusion I was in

I got what you mean, but I don't know, maybe you should rephrase it.

----

Umm overall, you have been through a very heartbreaking experience. Try to show more of it, try to establish a direct link between what you have suffered from and how this will contribute to UF. Was your point that since you were a victim of cancer you want to prove that this is not a reason that would let you shine in UF? Make your point clear.. and make sure you don't state anything that you could show instead, like:

With the surgery for me came a new determination to succeed and to make the most of my life while I can. This event reaffirmed the fact that I need to strive for only the best in all facets of my life.

Think about it. ;)
Good luck!
And I'm glad you survived it without losing your confidence.. :)
Mayada   
Aug 19, 2009
Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science [11]

What we have and use now can only get better

Gosh I loved this phrase :P

Me being able to run my fingers over ridged buttons with letters that seemed to magically appear on the screen fascinated me and kindled a deep desire in me to learn more

Nice, I like the way you thought of it. It is magical.

,I was also

Hmm, shouldn't you use I was too, or I was as well. "Also" isn't right at the end of the sentence.

my new program I will be creating more easy to use tools

I'd wanna use it!! The ones we have ARE difficult to use sometimes ;)

Just imagine what I can do with further education

I see your point here, but your method kinda ruined it.

Instead of saying: "That's what I can do with just books, tutorials, and advice. Just imagine what I can do with further education."

Why not say: "I can do far more with advanced education than I have done with only books, tutorials, and advice."

See how you phrase it best, because it's a good point, and you don't want the structure to sound as if it's not.
Mayada   
Aug 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]

You enrolled in a class called "How stuff works"?

yeah, should I quote the names of the classes?

You got a speaker? What does that mean?

A person to speak about something.. how can I say it then?

This sentence makes it sound as if you were choosing which one to attend after they both accepted you.

They both don't require acceptance. The one in Michigan had the scholarship program for one week.. otherwise it we paid for it, the 3 remaining weeks.

Why do you even talk about your difficult choice between Harvard and Mich Tech?

hmm.. harvard wasn't about science.. but I guess ur right, my point of it isn't clear.. maybe I should omit that part and try to relate the essay more to fuel cells?..

or should I relate the question about the two programs by saying that i had to make a choice between science and self development..?
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

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To me, meeting people, debating, public speaking, researching, and traveling all sound tempting. Something that could combine them all is even more alluring. Model United Nations seemed appealing; although I was not interested in politics by the time I auditioned to join the club. It was an addictive drug; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance after I joined. I traveled to Singapore, Turkey, and England to attend three conferences representing different countries I barely knew of before. I valued that experience and this opportunity to make friends from all over, be introduced to politics, and have intellectual conversations. I lost my stage fright through repetitive exposure to audience. Gladly, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it, what I did was just the beginning. 
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

I don't think you should state the fact about the top five percent, not only because it weakens your ending, but also because it is would probably be mentioned elsewhere in your application..

I like the story, and I agree with everyone else. With a strong start we would expect a stronger ending..
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

The problem is keeping it within 100 words. I really have a lot to tell about this experience but I can't fit everything within the limits.. and yeah drugs sure sound extreme!! :P

here's the edited
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I need advice on how to make it more interesting as well.. and if there's anything to omit ;)
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

Actually, the countries I represented were African countries, and I made friends all over by attending the conference.. MIT has those conferences as well so they know about the debating and the "making friends" plus the conversations students mostly have.. students our age come from all over the world to attend these international conferences, and MIT is well aware of what they are and such..

... hmm, lol you crossed over everything.. including the name of the club, hehe.. it's not just any conference, it has all the things i mentioned in the beginning included in the preparation process and the actual process.

-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?

It's not going to be the end of participating in Model United Nations.. and it's the beginning because it's just an introductory experience to what I'm planning to do if I get accepted in MIT, because I can do better in more experiences in Model United Nations.. :)

So what do you suggest I should say?
how can i make my point clear?

Thanks btw :D
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]

About the US entertainment thing, keep it.. it's a nice idea you're telling and I think it's too good to be omitted..

You got some grammatical mistakes in your essay. I'm not the best person to point them out, I bet others would.. However, I think you have some amazing ideas in your essays but the way you phrase them kinda makes them lose they're sparkle..

Take a piece of paper, list down the main ideas, and then rewrite the essay in the most creative way you can.. Maybe this is the best way to phrase your thoughts better..

Good luck!! :)
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / My Four Year Old Role Model (Common App Essay) [4]

Many people might say aspiring to emulate a four year old might seem ridiculous. Yet I would beg to differ. After meeting 4 year Dakota from West Virginia, there is nobody else that could exemplify the type of person I want to be. When I decided to go on a mission trip with my church youth group to West Virginia, I expected to be helping others; yet this wasn't truly the case. Dakota helped me more then I could ever help him and his family. He helped me understand more about the world around me, and more importantly, he helped me understand more about the person I wanted to become.

I actually liked the intro.. nice job.

one of the richest countries on the planet.

oh really?,, hehe. You don't have to state that ;)

I want to die knowing that I did everything that I could possibly do, and experienced as much as I possibly could. I want to die being able to say been there, done that.

Why negative?
How about: "I want to live on doing everything that I can possibly do, and experience as much as possible. I want to live saying: "been there, done that." "

You know, your intro did sound really good.. but you can omit the whole first paragraph.. you can omit the intro, and go directly into the story.. The essay is too long, so you have to shorten it.
Mayada   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

My mind raced and I threw my hands to the nearest section I remembered. I took care of the mistake,

You can consider this an example of how you try to manage your mistakes.. because it's a really good example. Everyone makes mistakes, but a smart person knows how to deal with them and manage them. I think you can relate a lot of this to your life and personality.
Mayada   
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

Ok, I rewrote it like you suggested..

"I object!" I yelled while raising my placard; a white piece of paper with a four-hundred-and-twenty sized "Gabon" in a black Calibri font. The chairman declined the motion to move into voting procedure. Ironic how an African country's vote counts as a veto power country's when it comes to motions. America's delegation must have felt the intensity of the debate we were holding, and that's why he called for that motion. Hence, I had one more speech that would surely bring down that resolution that was not in favor of third world countries. That was the last conference I participated in before I became an organizer for the first Model United Nations (MUN) conference in our school, and a mentor for some of the delegates. Fortunately, I can still be an "MUN-er" at MIT. MITMUNC will be more interesting. Instead of just politics, it deals with technology and science as well.

The problem is that it's too long, and I need to know what to omit. And I wanna know if it's clear. Because I have to make it short, I think the transition between the theme of the conference and the idea of being an organizer is sudden and doesn't really sound right.. another thing is the ending. I have no ending :P

I need suggestion :)
Mayada   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

thanks!
but should I say that it will not be the end of my involvement with "politics"? Maybe it wouldn't be clear enough that I would like to join MIT's program.. MUN is probably going to be the only involvement with politics i'll have :P even if it continued on if im at MIT
Mayada   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion" - UCF personal statement [5]

Hmm, I love the ideas you have in your essay, but why haven't you continued your story till the end? What happened? Did you finish your model?

My whole family's history

Try not to repeat phrases from the essay prompt question

The sight of my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion will forever stay with me, and as. As I worked on my crushed architectural model I couldn't help but to recall this image.

use another word that suites better than "crushed"..

someone had carelessly crushed my model 24 hours before judging for the state competition begun.

"judging for" is confusing.. do you mean before evaluation time? or before they determine the results? "judging for the state competition" doesn't sound right

strange second language.

second languages aren't strange.. you can use another word like "poor" language instead

All throughout I never heard anyone complain; there were no "I can't do it" or "This is just too hard" in my household.

You can cut this :P You made it clear before that your family is not a family of quitters.. You shouldn't keep saying it in different ways or it would just sound cheesy

Everything I am, my determination, passion, and persistence, I owe to my family and the values they placed in me.

In my opinion, the qualities you referred to yourself is something the admissions readers are supposed to understand from reading your essay.. I think it's better to think of another stronger ending for that essay

Otherwise, good job!!
Mayada   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Assisting others without compensation' - FSU Admissions [7]

Not that it's not good, but Llamapoop123 did you a favor by crossing off a bit from your essay..
The intro was all about "what you're about to say" and why do you chose to write about it that way.. don't do that. You do not justify what you write, you just type it ;)

and try not to mention scores and GPAs.. it totally weakened your essay.. try to focus on stuff that will move the readers. And don't say "what" you have done.. describe it! Don't say that u like helping ppl, give an example..

"Vires, Artes, Mores" is symbolic in me because I don't mind assisting others without being compensated.

symbolic in me?
and it's not clear that assisting others without compensation includes strength, arts, or culture

I think you should focus more on finding more relevant examples
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

You have to focus on writing it in a way that would not offend anyone. Some people are from the ghetto and are proud of it. And I didn't get what changed your opinion about acne. I thought it was sudden, no "story" that changed how you saw it, no successful person u met that had worse problems in their appearances that didn't affect their social life, no conversations with your friends who had more acne and thought you were lucky, no campaigns with the title: "I have acne and I'm proud", or a book you read about judging people based on their inside. We want a real story. Gaining confidence isn't usually an easy process. You should show that and show how you gained it again. Give an example or a scene that would show contrast between your attitude before and after..

Anyways that's what I can think of.. Good Luck!!
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]

Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?

I had no other choice but to be born a female in Saudi. That was God's will, and I will not change what God has decided. I lived most of the seventeen years of my life opposing whatever I find not up to my satisfaction level here in Saudi Arabia. I have lived here all my life, but as they have always said: "The grass is always greener the other side." I did not try to "make our grass greener." Instead, I focused so hard on finding ways to get to the other side where the grass is greener.

Last year I had to write about "How can I turn my passion and enthusiasm into actions that will make Saudi Arabia a country that I'm proud of in the next ten years?" It was a writing competition that I was part of. What I did not know was that it was not simply a contest, it was more. Each time I typed a sentence and reread it, I began to believe it. I did not expect that my power of persuasion could turn against me, but it turned out to be for the best. It made me realize that my attitude wasn't right. I should not keep looking at the positive points of "the other side," but should look at the positive point of my country that I belong to, and the negative points that are vulnerable to the power of human minds and the creativity of Saudi's youth. I know that I can leave this area, where I can't find the grass green enough for me, yet it would only mean that I am weak as I am escaping my troubles.

We do not want Saudi women to feel less than Saudi men. The thing here is that many women here in Saudi see that men are offered more and easier opportunities than women. I have been in this phase myself. Maybe it is because the country is recently becoming open-minded by starting to provide more chances for women. I can see that. I also see many determined motivated open-minded women that outnumber the chances provided. They are willing to break the barrier of old customs and go for every voluntary, educational, or career opportunity they hear of, competing against each other to get them.

Utilizing chances our school provides is the best policy. As a Saudi girl, I do not have that many opportunities to shine and prove myself. Dhahran Ahliyya School (DAS) was different, it compensated for the opportunities our society has not provided enough. The clubs and activities no other schools offered were accessible in ours. DAS even sent girls outside the kingdom for various purposes, including international competitions and conferences. DAS is the one school that includes traveling as an educational experience among all Saudi public and private schools.

Although school has indeed provided me with everything I might ask for, it opened my eyes to witness reality; women should never wait for opportunities to make use of. Instead, we should create them. After observing how DAS overcame challenges to introduce more options for girls with the Saudi Ministry of Education, I realized that. I felt responsible of conducting such change ever since I saw that it was possible. I am able to generate opportunities for me and others my own way by establishing clubs about areas that interests me. Not only did the situation in my country shaped who I am, but it also motivated me to team up with whoever thinks similarly to me and overcome it just like our school did. I believe that I can make the grass greener in the lands of Saudi Arabia. Just wait and see.
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "there is more to music than just the written word" - UF undergrad essay-> 1979 [5]

Oh my God. You have proved that ANYTHING could be a significant experience. It depends on how you express it. You have BEAUTIFULLY described how a simple song affected you. Although I'm not that interested in music and instruments, I have been touched by your essay. I felt it..

What I feel that this essay lack is "why this song".. You like music. How come no other song influenced you like this one? What does that year represent in the song "1979"? What about the lyrics itself, how did it affect you, and what were they about?

When I read your essay, I felt that you are deep person, but I still wanted to find out more about the song itself. You did explain how it affected you, but all I know about it is its title and singers..

Other than that.. I love it!
Wow.
Mayada   
Sep 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "My love for Computers" - U of I #1 [4]

My computer taught me about myself as much as it taught me about itself

How so? I think that you should omit this sentence because it's irrelevant.

This may seem boring to some, but I loved it.

Omit that too. Why do you have to say it?

Every day, I read about new breakthroughs in processor technology. I think to myself that years down the road, I want to be that guy.

A better whay to say it:

>>>"I want to be that guy!" I thought, as I read about who lead a new breakthrough in processor technology

I want to be the one that comes up with somea great new idea that revolutionizes how they are built or even how they function.

Add a new closing sentence. I believe it shouldn't end with that last sentence.. and if you omit what I suggested you to omit, you would have space for a new closing sentence.

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