Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Fixed punishments or the circumstances of an individual crime. [4]

Hi there!

Thank you so much for your advice and comment about my essay.

Looks like I post my essay in a wrong thread, anyway, please give me some more advice about my writing. I want to know if my arguments are good or if there are any grammatical errors in my essay.

Writing Feedback / We shouldn't ignore the underlying danger of spending great amount of time practicing sport; TOEFL [3]

Hi there!

I think your essay was good. You address all the topics that need to discuss, but I think adding some relevant examples can make your essay more stronger. I will add some few suggestions, I hope it can help you.

It is commonly acknowledged that doing sport is vital in one's life. Many parents send their young children to learn a kind of("a" is an article for singular subject, so whenever you use this word make it sure that your next word is singular in nature.) sports such as tennis and swimming. There is no doubt that practicing sport will benefit the children a lot, but on the contrary(I think using two contradicting words here are quite add, so I removed the next one), spending too much time training sports will sometimes do harm to the young children (use other synonyms for the word "children"), physically and psychologically. My reasons can be articulated as following.

To concentrate on the advantages of practicing sports, firstly I think that practicing sport will strengthen the children's immunity (How can it strengthen the children's immunity? Please elaborate it more.), as young children usually are vulnerable to the pathogens in the air. Also, in some degree, sports develop the intelligence of young children (I think you should explain it more), the coordinati on of body will do good to the growth of brain. In addition, children who love to practice sports do not have enough time to play computer, unlike other childrenyoungster . In their spare time, they choose to do exercises rather than to sit on the sofa staring at the computer screen which is harmful forto theirthechildren's eyes.

However,O n the other hand, spending too much time (in what) is not good for children. Obviously, children need adequate time to read the books , to attend to school and to learn new knowledge.E xcessive devotion to sports will let the children be easy to get easily tired and can't cannot (Avoid using contractions because it will make you use less words.) pay attention to the knowledge that their teacher taught in the class. BesidesFurthermore, young children are in the period of growth at an startling speed, too much body exercises will exceed their physical load, which will evencan break down the body of the young children.their immature body.

AdditionallyOverall, I think that sport is a very personal thing. If a child choose sport as their job infor their entire life, it is undoubtedly wise to practice sport harder . But if a child is just enjoy doingplaying sport, heavy training will kill their enthusiasm to do the sport , and even let them hate the sportitandto the point that they willnever involve in any sport activities again.anymore,thatwhich is a very disastrous consequence. SowePeopleshouldn'tshould not ignore the underlying danger of spending large amount of time practicing sport while children are not willing to.

Some tips of advice:

1. When your writing an essay, it is important to observe proper spacing of each words and sentences. I had seen in your work that you forgot to leave space in your every paragraph. For instance with this one, It is commonly acknowledged that doing sport is vital in one's life.Many parents send their young children to learn a kind of sports such as tennis and swimming.There is no doubt that practicing sport will benefit the children a lot,but on the contrary,spending too much time training sport will sometimes do harm to the young children,physically and psychologically.My reasons can be articulated as following.

2. There are also some repetitive words such as children, sports etc. I suggest that you should use synonyms with those words. For example, instead of using children the whole time, why not change it to other words such as youngster, minors etc.

3. As I said before, adding relevant examples regarding your essay can make your arguments stronger.

4. Avoid using any contraction such as ''shouldn't, can't", this will make you use less words.

5. Practice, practice and practice.

Best of luck :)

Writing Feedback / Knowledge from teachers, not from internet or TV? IELTS essay - Learning Resources [3]

Hi there!

Just to add some points.

Some students mostly obtain knowledge formfrom their teachers instead of internet or television as such resource can be accessed easily.
... because of the advanced of technology and some improvement in education. (I think you forgot to mention your stand in your introductory paragraph)

This is because students can every day see their teachers, and the teachers always provide ...
... elementary schools in developing country,like Indonesia, where teachers always give a direct answer for every question ...
(What do you mean with this sentence? Are you saying that their teacher does not answer their question, which sort them to find it in their own? Please elaborate it more.)

This learning method generates the lack of students' determination and independence in their whole school life.
(Your first argument is good, which you are referring how students are dependent in their teacher etc., but I think you should explain or elaborate more you example and conclusion to make this argument stronger.)

This advancedof technology havehas been working alongside theto improvement ofthe education methods such aslike student-centered learning (student learning center?) which now are more often applied in schools today.

(...) This is proved in a study conducting in UK that pointed out 98% of primary school students do small research online to acquire full grasp of their lessons. (Your example here is great.)

Just to add some suggestions.

1. When your writing your introduction, especially with this type of question. It is important to always express your stand or side. Are you 100%, 75%, 50% agreeing or disagreeing with the topic etc.,because this will the baseline of your overall arguments. I think that in your essay, you both discuss why students from certain institutions learn from their teachers and also sort to use other resources.

2. There are few grammatical error, which hinders the reader to understand some of your sentences.

3. Be aware of some repetitive words in your work, you can use synonyms to solve that issue.

4. Let's practice and practice more to improve our skills.

Overall, your essay is impressive, maybe just add some arguments and examples to make it much stronger.
I hope that I help you somehow. Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Helping an Old Man; College Admissions- Better Person [2]

Hi there!

Just to add some points

I just got out of work one day (much better if you put the date here) around 5:30 in the afternoon, and I was walking towards my car when an old man walked upalong sidetowith me. He looked very weak, and frail, and as if he had been outside in the cold for a long time. The old man asked me if I knew where he parked his car. I answered him saying that I didn't know where his car was, and I then I asked him if he can still remembered where he last parked it. The old man told me that the only thing he remembered was he parked his carparking it in a parking lot. So we walked along to the next parking lotthatwhich was right nextstoreto where Imy work to try to find his car. We walked up and down the(I did not get your points here) rows of cars but the old man kept saying that none of the cars there were his.them are his car.

Then the old man said to me, "I parked it in a parking lot, and walked" and he began to say this over and over again. I interrupted him and asked if he was sure this was the parking lot that he parked it in, and he told me he wasn't sure anymore. The old man began mumbling to himself, and then he looked at me and said I walked from the doctor's office where my wife was. Right as soon as he began speaking about walking from the doctor's office I knew hethat there washad something wrong with him because he had no clue of where he was.

I asked him if there was anyone from his family that I could try to get in touch with. He stared at me blankly when I asked him this then he fumbled through his pockets and pulled out his cellphone and handed it to me. I scrolled through his phone trying to find his contact list but all the numbers that were entered in his phone didn't have a name assignedto them . This wasn't any help.

I then decided to bring the old man into my work place to get him out of the cold. We walked in, and my boss was standing there asking me why I came back. I told him what was going on and he told me that I should call the cops since I couldn't get in touch with anyone from his family. I looked upfor the Norwood police department telephone number and called them. I explained to the cop who answered the phone what was happening and it turns out the cop iswas very familiar with the old man. He told me that he wouldwill come to our place to help usbe right over to my work to help out.

When the cop came into my work , I could tell that him and the old manboth of them knew each other right away because the cop walked in and said, "You know youre not supposed to be out on your own Mr. Johnson." The cop came over to me and told me that the old man's name was Mr. Johnson, and that he suffers from Alzheimer's disease. He went on to tell me that Mr. Johnson leaves his home a lot and gets himself lost, and that he is not supposed to be out alone. The Norwood police department has found Mr. Johnson wondering around town quite a few times and more often than not he doesn't know where he is or what's going on.

This may sound cheesy to you, but helping Mr. Johnson out that day really changed my outlook onin life. It taught me to appreciate life, and to never take anything for granted because you really never know what life is going to throw atto you. And,A lso, knowing that something like this could even happen to my grandfather who also suffers from Alzheimer's disease really made me realize that the time I spend with him is precious. This story as a whole has really changed me and made me an even better person in life. I'm so thankful that this happened to me because now I have a greater appreciation for the little things in life.

I will just add up some few suggestions to help you improve it.

1. Try to leave space between each paragraph whenever you write a certain topic. It will make your work looks neat.

2. There are some grammatical errors that can be fix by just few editing. I also seen some repetitive words, you can use synonyms to solve that issue

3. Lastly, I think you essay was great, it was very rare to read an essay saying a good news about helping other people.

I hope that I can help you somehow. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: multinational companies are supporting our life, in lieu of ruining it. [2]

Hi there!

I think you essay was great, but one advice that I can give is to avoid using personal pronouns like "our, you, your, we, us". This type of pronouns make sounds that you also include the examiner in your opinion. What if your opinions are not the same with what she/he knows, then you will get less points. I suggest that you use other types of synonyms instead of personal pronouns like for example people, individuals, persons, others etc...

Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Some individuals consider to eat outdoors while others choose home dishes. Which is better? [4]

Thank you Vns9x, I will keep your advice in my mind :)
Godbless

Writing Feedback / Everything has two sides and Gasoline cars are not an exception. [3]

Hi there!

1. When you write an introductory statement especially with this type of question, it is important to always present your stand. In your case as Vns9x mention, the introduction does not contain your side whether your 100 percent or 50 percent agreeing or disagreeing with the question.

2. There are also some grammatical errors that can be fix with just few editing.

3. You should also avoid using any contractions like for example this one "In the last decade`s", maybe it just a typo error. But as a piece of advice, do not use any words shortcut when writing an essay. It will make you write less word.

4. Do not use any personal pronouns except the word "I". Personal pronouns like "our, you, your, we, us" sounds like you also include the examiner in your opinion. What if your sides are not the same with what she/he knows, then you will get less points. Use other types of synonyms instead of personal pronouns like for example people, individuals, persons, others etc..

5. You should also not include your stand in any part of the body. The purpose of the essay's body is to present your arguments not your side. For example with this one, "Moreover, electricity cars expenses are less than gasoline cars, because of cheap electricity prices. In addition, electricity cars are easier in implying with technology equipments (equipment), so people enjoy driving and navigating easier. I completely disagree that gasoline cars remains useful than electricity cars.

6. Your conclusion should be the summary of your whole essay and to repeat again your stand. There should not have any arguments or recommendations because all of those must be tackled in the body part. Like for example here, "To sum up, there are many evidences that electricity car more useful than gasoline one. Even I recommended that, governments should proceed with some laws, forcing people on replacing gasoline cars with electricity ones."

7. Lastly, some examples can make your arguments more stronger. For example, "There are many scientific researches proves how much electricity cars are going to help our environment.", you can elaborate here what kind of researches that can prove that electricity cars are indeed very helpful to the environment.

Overall, your arguments are good. I hope that I help you somehow. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Female and male and their ages; which group watch TV more? IELTS task 1 [2]

Hi there!

Your introduction was great, but I think you should start it with the word "The" like for example with this one: "Two charts provide a breakdown information of TV programs" to make it looks formal. There was also some repetitive words like "percent" for example, you can use synonyms for this one. I also think that you should use more words than numbers in describing the chart like for instance when you mention there ages. Instead of enumerating 16-24 or 45 and older, why not change it to young adolescence or young adult and older population for 45 and above. Overall, your description of the graph was good.

Good luck! :)

Undergraduate / Disappointment with an initial dream school, a dreary social life, homesickness, and pricey colleges [2]

Hi there!

I think your essay was very good. You elaborate your reasons and objectives very well. As a licensed nurse, I think your passion for nursing was so great. It so rare to see a young individual like you who are willing to help other people nowadays. Good job and I hope that you achieve your goal in the near future.

Writing Feedback / The birth of computer and its fast paced development could influence our lives in different ways. [4]

Hi there!

This type of question is "To what extent do you agree or disagree" which is part of the writing task 2 in IELTS exam. In this kind of question, you are asking on what extent do you like or not like the idea. Are you wholeheartedly agree or partially? I had seen that you forgot to mention the extent of your stand on introduction and conclusion too which is very important in this sub test. Above all your arguments are great :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; Employment patterns of females and males in Britain! [2]

Hi there!

I hope my comments can help you a little. Anyway, I can see that you forgot to write the main introduction of the pie chart aside from your own version. In that way, the reader can analyze if there is a redundancy with the introductory paragraph. The way you described the graph is very detailed that all the numbers are tackled. But one problem that I have seen is that you keep using the exact words over and over again that makes it look repetitive. In this issue I suggest that you use other synonyms or alternative words. For example, instead of using "percent" why not use proportion or percentage. Another example is about ''male and female'', you can change it to girl and boy or woman and man. Books like thesaurus can help you in familiarizing in other words that can be useful in your writing.

One more thing is, about how the way you compared the two graphs. You discuss both of them by simply saying there differences in percentage. I suggest that you should use other term to elaborate them. For example, in this sentence Other manual had the same story, women were recorded 27%, and this is 1 percent higher than a male's one.[/b]. This is my alternative sentence. Both genders had the same proportion in other manual area with almost half of the overall percentage was recorded.[b]. You can use half to describe 50% or quarter for 25% and so on.

Lastly, I think you do not have the conclusion for the whole task. Conclusion is one of the most important part of this test. It will make your writing complete and detailed.

Well that's all, I hope my advice can help you in your future test. Good luck and god bless :)