Writing Feedback / World population growth will be at the highest point in the near future; IELTS [3]

Hello, You have a great interesting topic! I wanted to read on and on. I was just unsure ( as a reader) if you were speaking of the graphs or the graphs and a topic, or just a mixture. Just make sure you point out to the reader what you are referring to. You have a great opening, middle, and closing.

The two graphs below provide a breakdown information of global and urban population figures in distinguishable ( Which regions?) regions, from 1800 to 2100 and 2015 to 2040. They are measured in millions. ( Who is they? What is measured in millions? The people? The population? world growth?)

(Make it clear to the reader by adding rich details about your topic)

It is noticeable in the diagrams ( are we referring back to the graphs?) that world population growth will be at its highest point in the near future. Afterwards, the population will decline. When it comes to the urban population in different world regions ( This sentence is a little unclear, are you referring to the sentence before or after this statement?). Developed regions will remain constant throughout many years, whereas developing regions will be steadily increasing its population.

In regards to the first graph, it reveals that at first, the population stood at 1000 million of people in 1800. This number will keep continue to rise to 8000 million of human( beings?) and following in 2040. This substantial increase from 1940 to 2040 is an was an increase of 6000 million of people. This figure will be plummet to 6000( million?), a decrease of 2000 million of folks, in 2100.

( For this paragraph be clear with your first, second, and last sentences describing the human growth) Also, when describing words attached to numbers, be consistent. If you use '2000 million' you have to use that same form of speech throughout the paragraph.

A shift to the second paragraph( did you mean graph?) illuminates that the developed countries stayed at roughly 1200 million of people during the period of 2015 to 2040. In the meantime, the developing regions will continue to climb from 2100 million of human people to 4000 million people, under the examining year.

Any thorough comment is welcome!

Writing Feedback / Parents vital role in controlling their children attitude about food preferences and lifestyles [3]

Obesity is nowconsidered( has been and now are two different words that describe time, I would suggest sticking to one form of time) to be one of the major component of many health related issues among minors. The proportion of obese children have seen to has increased by to approximately 20% in the previous decade. I will discuss the possible causes and consequences of this trend and offer recommendations to solve this problem. ( Great opening and closing, I would add one more sentence in here about obesity.)

There are several factors that contribute to children's weight gain, one of this ( these) is (an) unbalanced diet. Nowadays, young individuals tend to eat meals which is more than what they actually needed(need) and most of the time. ( Which is) unhealthy. Furthermore, some children become lazy and want to sit the whole day in front of their television or computer rather than to do outdoor activities to burn their accumulated calories. <( This sentence is good, but it is expressing your opinion, you might want to insert a statistic) One good example of that is my own nephew. He My nephew is only three years of age but his body weight is equivalent to a six years ( year) old child. Thus, overweight kids are the product of sedentary lifestyles and poor eating habit. ( This paragraph is good, I like how you explain your personal experience, but you might want to add a statistic, or percentage here to prove your argument.)

One of the major drawbacks of this problem is ( the topic) topics concerning the child's well-being. They Children are more prone to develop different kinds of illnesses compared to other kids with normal weight. There Their cholesterol level ( who? the children who are obese?) has elevated because of the abundant fats in their body which make them (who is them?) at risk to develop serious disease like juvenile diabetes later in life. Moreover, some overweight children also develop low self-esteem due to their appearance, which may affects( affect) how they socialize and interact to with others.

(Great way of showing how obese children can be affected, but make sure you describe who in detail.)

Nevertheless, parents should play a vital role in controlling their sons or daughters attitude about food preferences and lifestyles. They must teach them (their children) about the importance and benefits of routine exercise and eating nutritious meals. To add more, (the) government should also allocates (allocate) fund ( funding) for projects that will address this topic obesity. For instance, providing budgets to restore or develop parks and sport facilities to encourage the youngsters to play outside instead of staying at home where they ( can become) like a couch potato.

Overall, the above dilemma must not ( be) taken for granted and should be manage ( managed) seriously because of due to the alarming aftermath that it will cause to (our) children's life. ( Add a couple more sentences here on how it should be managed to make you point stronger)

Great start! I like the topic you have chosen. In the introduction, you mention that you will explain the causes and consequences and recommendations of childhood obesity. Make sure you point this out to your reader in every paragraph. ( You can even place," this is a consequence", or "this is a cause" in your paragraphs.) You have a great topic! I hope more people can write about this issue.

Writing Feedback / Incompleteness - the problem lay before me, challenging me to enter its deep labyrinth; inspiration [2]

Wow! What a great piece! I was engaged the whole time. I love your introduction! Since you are speaking of an experience, make sure you give details to the reader as if they have no knowledge. Explain who Euler and Pythagorus are. Explain what Gauss and Fermat are. It does not have to be long, just a simple sentence will do. You do not want to leave your reader guessing about small details that are meant to be understood while reading. Also, try not to use contractions when writing English. But closing, I love your inspirational paragraph at the end! Great writing overall.

Undergraduate / She stared at the mirror intently; CHALLENGE ESSAY [2]

The question is to state a challenging experience I have faced and explain what I have learned from it. This is quite personal, and I would like some feedback in terms of my grammar and overall quality of the essay. Thank you. (It is not completely finished by the way!)

She stared at the mirror intently, scrutinizing her reflection. Such behavior had become habitual, in which her flaws and imperfections were the only things visible to her. Her mind was a victim of distortion, which caused her to accept the idea that the sole determiner of one's self-worth was a number on a scale. It was evident that this individual was no longer _(name here)_, a young girl that had once been vibrant and spirited, but rather a puppet manipulated by an eating disorder.

( Wow great introduction, keeps me engaged. I like how you do not introduce the person yet, she has no name yet, a clear reflection of her behavior.)

My conflict with food was a psychological challenge that caused immeasurable burden, however, also one that allowed me to learn an extremely important lesson.( This first sentence, or something similar should tie into last sentence of introduction.) I came to realize that in order to overcome this obstacle, it would be vital for me take control of my own life. My future would not be defined by my past. ( Suggestion: Begin a new paragraph here, maybe you can write a little more about the "psychological challenge")

(Great! Is the girl in the introduction the same girl in the second paragraph? Make sure you clarify this. As a reader they seem like two different experiences, tie them together:) )

Thus, I began to devote my time and efforts into extra-curricular activities, as a means of relieving my emotional distress. My role as a Youth Group Leader at church, in particular, helped me recover. Each of my students served as an inspiration for me to better myself, in order to become the best possible role model for them. Last year, I took the initiative to launch a campaign called, "Love Yourself", which addresses the importance of matters such as body image and self-esteem. My ultimate goal was to raise awareness throughout my church's community, helping guide those who may be in a similar situation that I had experienced.

(I like this you are showing the reader the actions of the recovery.)

Throughout my journey to recovery, I have learned that in order to advance forward in life, one must break free from paralysis caused by fear.

Great start! Your introduction is very vivid. I would love to hear more about the psychological challenge in second paragraph. The third paragraph is detailed as well. I would love to hear more about how your students were an inspiration to you, and your launch campaign. Your grammar is well throughout the writing piece. I am excited for the completion of this essay. Keep up the good work!

Writing Feedback / Essay about investment on art and culture - IELTS task 2 [5]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One of these duties is taking care of culture of the country, which is really a serious matter (Why do you believe this is a serious matter?, Since this is your opinion, place a quote, or statistic here to prove how serious of a matter this is) . However, some people ('some people' is vague, use a noun such as: citizens or individuals) believe that the governments should reduce the amount of money spent on cultural and artistic activities, (which include)including music, theaters, opera houses and so on.

People who claim that we shouldn'tshould not spend these huge amounts of money on arts, believe that there are more important issues to take care of. For instance, they (Who isthey? Clarify with details) say that we should care more for improving health services by building new hospitals and raising the efficiency of the existing ones.

they (capital needed )have to build more roads and more railways. Also, improve the roads to decrease the number of car accidents (fragment) . Make the public transportations more efficient, to reduce the dependence on the cars as the main mean of transport. These were examples of services that people want more improvements in .( <<<floating period)

(Never begin a sentence using the word Nobody, use alternate wording please)Nobody can say that those people are not right, but not thoroughly right.

i(Capitalize) n conclusion, we can't(contraction) live in this life without art. Art is the nutrition for the soul, as food is for the body. To have a better life, we have to invest in the both aspects (period) needed)

You have some great points here! I would work on punctuation in this essay. Some of your periods are floating, and you are beginning your sentences with lowercase letters. Also, in written English, it is not advised to use contractions, spell the word out. You have a great point, but I became confused with what you agreed versus what you disagreed with. I would advise for you to state these points in the opening sentences of your paragraphs. You have a good ideas keep it up!

Essays / Career goals - I really need to know how to start the introduction for scholarship essays [9]

I need help fast. I need help doing my scholarship essay. The prompt is: complete a typed 750 - 1,000 word essay explaining career goals, leadership experience, community involvement and need for scholarship. I need to know how start the introduction because I never did one for scholarship essays I done others for other essays. I need help fast because this essay is due February 25, 2015.

Hi! I won a scholarship once, so you are in luck, I can give you some suggestions on what worked for me:

Make it very personal. Your introduction should be a clear picture of who you are. The people giving the scholarship may not know you, but you want them to. You can describe yourself in a story and how you came on the path of...( whatever you are applying for). I wanted to be a teacher, so I described my first as experience working with children and how I was so scared, but eventually I knew it was what I wanted to do. Something of that nature may help you.

After that section off the other portions to describe each thing they are asking for:

1)Career goals
2)Leadership experience
3)Community involvement

The closing should explain why you are the best candidate and how you will use the opportunity to continue your goals related to your introduction.

Follow the exact prompt, but be unique and creative within the guidelines.

Good luck to you!

Essays / Career goals - I really need to know how to start the introduction for scholarship essays [9]

Yes, please title it:)

Writing Feedback / Reading fiction (such as novels and short stories) is more enjoyable than watching movies. [2]

Hi! You have some great ideas, great start! I think you should develop your thoughts more for each section. This will help by separating each argument into a paragraph. You are clear on what you are arguing, but you should add more ideas to make this essay stronger. Also please work on punctuation, your I's are not capitalized and you misspelled a couple of words. Overall I enjoyed reading your point of view. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Getting excellent grade in school or university is one of the ways to achieve bright future. [2]

Hello, my suggestions and edits are below:)

Make this your first paragraph...
Education and a great life are crucial things for human beings. Getting excellent grade(s) in( your) school or university is one of the (many) ways to achieve ( a) bright future. I personally argue that intelligent people without making efforts with ( of) studying hard are impossible to reach high quality of life. ( Great first paragraph would love to see more in a couple of sentences elaboration here)

In today's world, having good education is an essential element for a better future. It is a key to attain the millennium development goals (.)Firstly First and foremost, it ( what is it?, school?) is predicted to make (help )students gain well-paid and respectable careers with a good education. For instance, American employers in general will be (are) impressed with an applicant who has studied overseas as it shows that they have international experiences, which is highly valued in ever more globalized society ( great sentence showing a statistic makes argument strong) .

Make this your second paragraph...
Secondly (Second), it ( education) prepares students' mind to make sane, healthy (,) and intelligent decisions about any situations that one may encounter in life's journey. As result, Great education is a worthwhile investment from human beings. (It would be helpful here to argue how these intelligent decisions prepare you, add a couple more sentences).

Studying hard is related to the better life. For this reason, it is estimated to be a best gate in achieving the study purpose. Taking one example, In in term cram schools is in Japan, currently known as "juku". Juku are special private schools that offer lessons conducted after regular school hours and on the weekends. Students who (are) sent by their parents can study to improve test scores and to get (a) good grade in their schools. In addition, it helps pupils to prepare for university entrance examination. Tip: You can add this part to the second paragraph but you must tie this is with how Education is a worthwhile investment. If not it has to be a stand alone paragraph

Ultimately, great education is the most important possession that people must have. It is beneficial in many aspects of lives. Therefore, in my view, the most important factor for students to achieve the best future life is studying hard.

You have a great start here! You have great ideas but you need to organize your ideas. You are making a argument but your ideas are all tied together and jumbled. It may be easier for you to follow the exact prompt. Make each question of the prompt above a paragraph so that you stay on track, answering each question in a organized form,

Tip: Try to stray away from using the word "it", by replacing "it" with the actual noun.

Good luck and great job so far!

Writing Feedback / "Doing it like a girl" - My summary analysis of #likeagirl commercial [3]

Hello my suggestions and edits are below:

Doing it like a girl ( please capitalize) Titles should be capitalized:)

How would you react if someone told you that you run, fight (,)or throw like a girl? That's ( That is) exactly what this commercial is was about. Some of us ( Who are some of us? Please clarify) would feel offended if someone( Who is someone) told us that we do something like a girl.

( Great introduction start, you really caught my attention, please clarify who are these someones, and some of us, by being specific.)
The ad discussed the stereotypes of acting or performing
( What a clear strong second paragraph! You are clear on what was being shown in the commercial.)

This ad forced attention onto this idea that all genders have been condoning the idea that doing something like a girl means to do so in a weaker, less passionate way. It brought a general stereotype to the surface and showed thousands just how literal it is taken by our generation and why it is one of many that should end. The purpose of the commercial is to encourage girls, especially young ones to keep doing what they are doing, stay strong, and never let anybody make them lose their confidence as long as they believethey're ( they are) doing the right thing, just as young boys are so often told they can do anything, especially when it comes to sports; young girls deserve to be told the same thing.( This sentence is too long, consider dividing it.)

( New paragraph should begin here)
Confidence at a young age can change the direction a person takes as they get older. One of the girls in the commercial stated that "At that point of time, young girls are trying to figure themselves out, and when someone call them weak for doing something like a girl it makes them lose confidence". Another girl said "Why can't like a girl also mean win the race?" Every person who watched this commercial will change his or her perception of the phrase like a girl and will understand that not everything good is done by boys or men, women are as strong as men in everything. They participate in the military; they wrestle, fight, and lead other countries.<(Is this your opinion? I am unclear on whether you are stating as this as fact or giving your opinion please let the reader know.)

The commercial wasn't really fulfilling its purpose of how the phrase "like a girl" is used, because it didn't explain what it truly was about, T(t)he viewer had to replay the commercial a couple of times to actually understand its purpose or what the message it's sending, it also brought the idea to some viewers that the video was an advertisement for tampons. (Is this a fact? Please let the reader know how you found out what the viewers were thinking.)

In the end, this commercial explains to us that we should change the idea of girls as being weak, we should respect girls specially the younger ones in age, Encourage girls to keep doing the right thing, and that we should treat girls or women equally. "Like a girl" should be used as a compliment not an insult.

You have a great controversial topic! I wanted to read more of what you thought. Great start! I would suggest that you please be specific on who's argument you are describing. You move back and forth between the viewers, your thoughts, and general facts and opinions. Statements like "(In my opinion..)(Studies found that...) ( Viewers opinions were...) will help. This will make your essay much clearer...and stronger! Grammar was very good overall. Good Luck on your revisions:)

Undergraduate / the prestigious learning environment - Temple University's excellent resources [2]

Hello! My edits and revisions are below:

When I think of Temple University, the aspect that (is the most impressive) most impress ( to)me and fan my desire to immerse myself in this prestigious learning environment are ( the) Temple University's excellent resources. In addition to having some of the most recognized and lauded faculty in the world, Temple is committed to maintaining a diverse student population. As person of African heritage who grew up in America, and is now planning to embark on my university studies, I see this commitment to diversity( by Temple University) as an essential element that will benefit me greatly not for a college experience but for a lifetime. I also believe that I will contribute so much at Temple University with my "unique" ways.

(Start this paragraph by highlighting your "unique" contribution as being a dancer or learning from your dance experience.)
​I learned all about leadership through my high school's dance line. Even if, at first I only wanted to be on the team to become one of the "It-girls," the challenges that the team encountered showed me that there is more in being a popular dancer. One becomes popular because she has to lead her teammates, the band(,) and the whole school to share in (the) strong camaraderie and support one another. A dancer should be able to influence others with "sassy" dancing and moves, no matter what happens.On top of establishing and keeping school camaraderie, my dance line team had to do a lot of preparations for both football and parade season. After school hours, we spent much time practicing and improving our choreography and overall presentation. Discouragement often presented itself to us, but I, as the co-captain of the flag line team continued to give hope to my team. I believed that every situation can be an opportunity if only you look at in such a manner. ( Keep this all one paragraph)

​
Moving on the college, I will turn to more I look forward to serious preoccupations like ( such as) the student council. While intensely involved in my studies, I will hope to be the head of the student council during my college years. I want to work closely with different students and college professors and honed my interpersonal skills. I know how to listen to what others have to say and tell them my side in the most assertive manner. I want to be able to establish various changes in school including more orderly and efficient career affairs and more diverse and interesting extracurricular activities that can prepare students for the working life.

​
Going through high school changed my perspective of life. I learned how to be outgoing and contribute to the improvement and benefit of others more than mine. Now, I am getting ready for greater challenges. I realize, however, that staying ahead of other is no easy task. Going to college is not much like managing a dance line team or a student council either. Nevertheless, despite whatever my major obstacles I will have to face, I will remain optimistic, as I have always been. I am very confident that I will not just benefit from my studies(,) but also be able to surpass problems using everything that I have learned.

​
I know that I am young and( missing a word here, consider revising this sentence) career path I find myself on after earning an undergraduate degree may be very different than what I envision now , but I plan to make my college education a well rounded and broadening one that hopefully will allow me to explore both my academic and artistic interests so that wherever the future takes me I will have a solid foundation upon which to build a career. I know that in the mean time , I will find the same fulfillment again ( throughout college) as I did during my high school years a dancer. That This is why I am eager to begin the process at Temple University. I have every reason to expect that my academic performance and my social credentials while pursuing my degree at Temple University will be no less than impressive.[/quote]

Great essay! I love how you tied everything together! Please be clear on which paragraphs are related to your academic and personal development. I knew what it was as I read through, but be clear so the person admitting you to the college know you are answering the questions in the prompt and pointing these experiences out. Try reading your last paragraph out loud to yourself, some of the words are confusing, then rewrite it. This will help make the last paragraph clearer.

Good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / "Doing it like a girl" - My summary analysis of #likeagirl commercial [3]

Just a suggestion:)
The purpose of the commercial is to encourage girls, especially young ones to keep doing what they are doing, stay strong, and never lose their confidence, and to do the right thing. On the other hand, young boys are often told they can do anything, especially when it comes to sports. I feel young girls deserve to be told the same thing.

The essay looks great! I love the quotes! Great progress!!

Letters / Germany is considered as pioneer country in the field of different science in Europe [2]

Hello my edits and suggestions are below,

By this letter I, WASSIM AL ALI, want to explain ( the ) motives of my interest about (to) the study at Humboldt University in Berlin as (an) Erasmus Mundus student.

I was born in Homs sity ( city) in Syria and I obtained the( what did you obtain? a diploma?) senior high school in the year 2002 with a rating very good. After that(,) I have studied agricultural engineering at Al Baath University in Homs and I have obtained the certificate of agricultural engineering in 2007 with a rating (of) good. And after Then, I warked (worked)immediately in the field of quality management and exactly in agricultural quality ang (and) food quality up to 2010 and I have obtained many certificates withen (within) this specialty. after that Last, I warked (worked) as (an) HACCP (Hazard Analysis and Critical Cotrol Points) department manager at a consultant company concerned of with qualifying and training of companies willing to obtain the quality certificate. Currently I am studying a master of quality management at Syrian Virtual University and I am in the second semester now and I have finished while finishing the first semester courses with an excellence rank which Inconside r (is considered) that an important achievement for me in spite of the hard circumstances of my country.

(You use the phrase" after that" one to many times I would suggest using the word Afterwards, and only once! Not more than once)

I am wishing to complete my study in Germany because it is considered of (the) Pioneer countries in the field different science in Europe and the world (.) and because It encourages science and the study in Germany (.) It does not cost too much and it is known that Germany is(a) very beautiful country and its people are kind(.) In addition, to that because I love agricultural and food quality management and I want to develop my information and skills about this specialty to benefit it in my future job(.) and It is very important for me to obtain an excellent scientific level in this field and because there are nonany not many universities in my country that has this cpecialty specialty. so I have searched for a university which has this specialty in Germany and I have found (process and quality management in agriculture and horticulture) specialty at Humboldt university in Berlin which is one of the biggest German universities and one of the pioneer universities of food and agricultural quality(.) and This university has a different studies and scinces (sciences) and especially it gives an extensive field of scientific researches selection. so I an am wishing to complete (my) master study at this university to reach the academic level which will help me in my work field and my study. at This university will be a big (will give me an)opportunity for me to get more information about a deep-rooted German culture and the developed scientific level(.) In addition to that, I will obtain an advanced level of German(,) a lovely language and to develop my skills in this language .

( Where are your periods?)

It looks like you have a great wealth of experience and many aspirations! I see that you are making minor mistakes in your application, which can weaken you application. We do not want that to happen. First, make sure you utilize the spell check, and all in all use periods, a sentence can have 5-9 words. Once you complete a thought after those words place a period. The second paragraph is one long run-on. You use many repetitive phrases. Look at your paragraphs, if you are using more than one phrase more than two times take it out, and use alternate words. Your vocabulary is very advanced, you do not want anything small like not checking periods and small grammar mistakes to affect your application.

Good luck on your revisions!
Thank you very much for considering my application and I am waiting the positive response from you.
Sincerely Yours;

Undergraduate / FROM 4 LEGS TO 2! How Veterinary medicine led me to Nursing. [3]

Hello,

My edits and suggestions are below:

I didn't ( did not ) always know what I wanted to do;( semi colon not needed here) growing up. [...] to your program and a very successful Registered Nurse.

This is a great opener, I love the substance! It moved me and pressed on how smart you are and how you tried out different options in life until you found a fit.

While working in an animal hospital I developed an interest in the process of treating the injured and ill patients (despite the fact that those patients were four legged). I found myself fascinated with so many aspects of it; studying/researching/determing( determining) pathology, assisting in surgery, and discussing treatment plans with the owners. I learned so many things about myself as a person and (as) an employee that I had not been able to see previously. I react calmly and even thrive in high stress, visceral situations, for example. I also found that I could be very valuable when our clients became aggressive or emotional, due to an issue with their beloved pet, because I was able to comfort them.( When it came to an issue with my clients becoming emotional or aggressive due to their beloved pets, I was able to comfort them, I can be very valuable in this aspect.) These experiences eventually led to a moment of realization for me that I belonged in the health care field. After five years in the animal care field I resigned and focused on my new goals. ( End your paragraph here)

Since deciding that I wanted to pursue this career (in nursing) I have had the pleasure of speaking with many nurses, both active and retired, and they have only strengthened my desire to reach my goals. They speak of challenging, but rewarding experiences and have given me great advice. There are, of course, selfish reasons for wanting to become an RN also. I am attracted to the longevity of nursing as a career and look forward to the opportunity to continue to learn as the years go by. I am not one who wants to remain stagnant and do the same thing every day without growing or moving up. The variety is appealing also, as I am interested in learning more about many specialties ranging from geriatric to substance abuse nursing. A long-term goal of mine is to be able to one day become a nurse educator. Having had the been given the opportunity to train many co-workers(,) I have been told that I have a gift for explaining something in such a way that it is easily understood.

I would be remiss if I did not take this opportunity to discuss my GPA. While I have excellent scores from my more recent educational record, that is not the case for my first college attempt. Because of my indecisiveness and lack of direction, I allowed my grades to suffer. I never would have guessed that a decade later I would finally know what I was meant to do, but have to overcome the consequences of those mistakes. I humbly ask the admissions committee to focus on the commitment and diligence I have shown in my more recent college experience. I am fortunate to be at a time in my life that I have no other responsibilities than my education and am prepared to devote all of my energy into succeeding. During my tour of your university I was so impressed and have had the same impression with every interaction I have had with the counselors since( the visit). My only hope is that my hard work and determination will show and my dream of attending your incredible institution will become a reality.

Wow! Great essay! I made a few revisions, but overall I enjoyed reading this. Your opening is great, and your closing is honest and to the point. Your second paragraph I divided to keep the subjects on topic. Keep up the great work!

Scholarship / To learn how to use advanced mathematical concepts in the development of engineering application [2]

Hello, My edits and suggestions are below,

I am writing to express my interest in the PhD position in XXXX at XXXX. Having a background in Electronic Engineering and Computer Science, I believe that my skills and experience present an excellent fit for this position.

I have always had a special interest in Mathematics and ( I have always) been very impressed about ( with )the applications that this science has in almost every field. This is the reason why I decided to study (in) an applied career like Electronics Engineering. I feel very satisfied with my decision since , every class I took have taken (in Electronics/Math) has contributed to my understanding of (the)theoretical concepts and their application(s) to solve practical problems. Therefore(,) I have been able to learn how to use advanced mathematical concepts in the development of engineering applications.

My first contact with signal processing was during the courses of Digital Signal Processing, where I was really amazed by the applications of theoretical concepts to solve real world problems, like audio and image processing; and VHDL where I studied the possible hardware implementation of these systems specifically using FPGA's. Later(,) I took courses on Computer Vision and Machine Learning, which led me to choose the subject for my graduation project in these fields(.) (During my project I/ For my project I) built a system to detect human falls using computer vision and alert them via SMS and email (I divided this sentence it was too long) . In this project I (developed using OpenCV for C++) (and) used a combination of different fields like Programming, Linear Algebra, Image Processing and Machine Learning.The project was awarded a meritorious mention by the examination committee.

I worked as a teaching assistant and researcher at Universidad XX in the development of a driving assistance system to avoid collisions with other vehicles using computer vision. These projects, and the knowledge I acquired during my undergraduate studies, provided me the some experience in Image Processing and Machine Learning(,) which this encouraged me to take the next step into advanced studies in these fields.

(Currently, )thanks to an XX scholarship, currently I am studying a Master in Computer Science abroad, at University of XX in France. I expect to complete my Master by July 2015. I am working in a research internship in the specified in the area of Machine Learning; specifically in a with the topic, topic called Boosting of One-Class Classifiers. The one class classification paradigm is a specific kind of classification technique in which during learning step, only one class is well specified. In this internship we are trying to improve the performance of this kind of classifiers by using ensembles of them.

My research interests include the areas of Machine Learning and Computer Vision. The combination of them these interests is are very exciting to me since ! t(T)he combination integrate interdisciplinary concepts of different areas like Mathematics, Statistics and Computer Science in general. It is very gratifying for me to work in trying to emulate the ability that the human brain has to interpret and understand image data.

I have seen some of the works shown in the website of the XX Lab and I am extremely interested in working with the group. The Tracking and Modeling People is a topic in which I worked during my undergraduate thesis and I know by my own experience that (it) is extremely challenging but has a vast number of real world applications. Particularly the work of professors XX and XX: Tracking People Using Multiple Cameras, using their Probabilistic Occupancy Map (POM) algorithm for Detection and the Tracking problem represented as a Linear Program is outstanding for me and I would be very glad if I could work in this team.

With this PhD, I hope to get the experience in the field of research and cutting edge knowledge in Computer Vision, which would allow me add to the collective knowledge base in this field. After the PhD(,)I would like to return to XX, and have a life in academia, hopefully at Universidad del XX, to contribute in collaboration with the XX Lab,(and) in the consolidation of a strong research group in this area which has not been studied much there.

I would like to thank you in advance for considering my application.

You have a great essay here! Your experience in the field seems very knowledgeable. I did a few edits and took out some words that will make your essay clearer. Your paragraphs are clear and stay on topic. Good luck on your application!

Undergraduate / South Asian cultures typically emphasize that the only career choice for students is in medicine. [4]

Hello, my suggestions and edits are below:

South Asian cultures typically emphasize that [...] to highlight your strengths and passion first.)

(This would be a great opener)

In the winter of my senior year, I visited my childhood home [...] utilize technology to achieve cleaner air and water.
( Now this paragraph tells me all about your passion!)

After discovering that pesticides, oil, and landfills were the main pollutants, I focused on cost-effective and efficient solutions that tackled these areas. <( These sentences are detailed, but most of your essay is focused on finding your passion and following your dream, these sentences do not match with the essay as a whole, consider cutting it out or shortening.)

The responsibilities I learned through my leadership roles, along with my communication and management ...
( Make this your closing, but add more)

This is a great essay! Very rich details that give me a glimpse of who you really are and who you would like to be. The second paragraph is strong, make that your opening. The last paragraph has too much detail. Let me explain. In your first paragraphs you focus on what motivated you, then you switch over to your community college experience towards the end, I suggest shortening that paragraph and adding to the last to make a stronger closing. Keep the essay as a whole consistent with the style you introduced us with. I divided the last paragraph also, so you can add a little more to your closing. I love the story of how you came to be, good luck and I hope this helped!

Graduate / My goal to study medicine all started out with my brother being diagnosed with diabetes [8]

Ahhh I see! Okay that makes sense! Well good luck! With that essay I am sure you will be a great candidate!

Jasmine

Undergraduate / My mom is my real teacher; "If you grow up what will you do?" [2]

Hello my edits and suggestions are below,

One day my mom asked me,"If you grow up what will you do?" ,when i (I) was 9(nine). I answered, "I wouldn't know". She frowned. 'What did you say?,some of the children are planned they're future,so what did you do?" ( This sentence is a little unclear, who is still speaking your mom? Make this clearer by writing something like, my mom said after this sentence.) . She always said told to me be brave, (and to )be kind to everything that lives. Her warmth and affection gave me a great sense <( add a word after sense like of affection, of love, or of hard work) . She taught me what is humanity what humanity is. I learned everything from her. Now i'm( I am) 13 ( thirteen). Now (I am )always trying to study hard. This is my big gift from my mother.

Last sentence...Is the gift to your mother or from your mother?)
Write:
If it is from your mother write: 'Studying'... is a big gift from my mother.
If it is to your mother write: 'Studying'... is a big gift to my mother.

Hi! This is a great start! Make sure you capitalize your I's and spell out your numbers( write out nine instead of 9). Also make spaces after each period before a new sentence begins, so your paragraph flows more. When you are not using dialogue ("speaking") spell out all contractions (I'm). I liked reading this, I can feel your compassion for your mom in the paragraph. Good luck!

Scholarship / Father from India - Evaluate personal statement for scholarship [3]

Please state in the space provided below or on a separate sheet of paper, in your own words, the reasons for this application. Some indication of your financial situation would be helpful. We would also like to know about any achievements you are proud of (academic and/or otherwise) and how you expect your studies to influence your future career. You can also mention how you feel the scholarship and studying at a UK Higher Education Institution will benefit you (and /or your community) when you return home.

Hello my edits and suggestions are below:

My father's humble background began in a nondescript, tiny village in South India, attending a non-English medium school where the dropout rate was high due to lack of finances to see through most children's education. Determined to not forego his schooling, my father worked hard to excel academically thereby fulfilling his dream of attending college and later, (a) University. His personal story struck a deep chord in me and impressed upon me the importance of attaining education as a means to remain competent in the corporate bubble. (After experiencing his youthful setbacks and trials, (my father) has always prioritized equal opportunities through education, unlike most Indian fathers who raise daughters) .< I reworded this last sentence. ( Place a sentence here transitioning us to the next paragraph, maybe how your fathers beliefs gave you sympathy for animals or something of that nature.)

My concern and instinctive sympathy for animal welfare (is what) compelled me to help set up the local chapter of PAWS, a shelter organization dedicated to rescuing abandoned animals. The most memorable accomplishment I recall with clarity is , (was) when a campaign personally spearheaded by me,(decided?) to shut down illegal breeding facilities, (this) received widespread attention and exceeded the fund target by several thousands, thus enabling us to petition the Ministry to conduct successful crackdowns on unchecked cases of animal cruelty. The campaign was propelled into the social limelight, which bore testimony to the powers of perseverance, vigilance and determination to be the united voice for the voiceless. What continues to produce a deep satisfaction for me is the knowledge of having been a part of the team from the very beginning, working tirelessly (a)round the clock to ensure the physical safety of all animals( are) under our protective wings. I do strongly believe that the present position of PAWS as a regionally recognized rescue shelter adds another feather to my cap. ( Transition:))

My passion for technology is based on an intense desire to acquire a broad range of effective computing skills that would lead to making significant contributions across a wider network globally. An extensive online research on information systems brought me to the University of XXX 's computing department. ( Elaborate more on your passion for technology here)

(Make this your closing)
I was delighted to find that one of the best pioneering computing schools in the UK offered an accredited course combining business and technical modules to graduates from all disciplines. The accreditation status proved a strong factor in helping me decide to apply for a place on this course and subsequently accepted. I strongly feel that the collaborative and diverse study environment would influence my ability to work with a broad age group(s) with on planning, developing, executing and delivering live projects in the technical side within any business organization. I am confident that( no comma needed) by being accorded the privilege of receiving the prestigious -----scholarship, the award would serve to strengthen my mental and physical ability in advancing my career progression in a managerial capacity. Nothing would give me greater personal happiness than the vision of becoming academically and professionally well regarded. The prestige associated with being a scholastic merit student would help me achieve my dream of serving the community locally and internationally. I intend to do this by contributing and enabling educational materials through MOOCs, ensuring equal opportunities are made available to people uniformly, especially from developing countries and last, but not least, serve as an inspiration to the next potential candidate to pass on the proverbial baton of knowledge.

Is there something more to work on? any and all suggestions welcome!

Hello! I would like to share this is a great essay start! Your paragraphs are well developed, you are very a very talented scholar and inspirational! I added a few words, took some commas out, but my main concern is your transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. I recommend you use sentences at the beginning and end of your body paragraphs to link your story together. I gave you an example in your introduction. Otherwise, it looks like three paragraphs standing alone. Link it all together! Give the scholarship judges a clear picture of yourself and how one accomplishment led to another. It will make your essay stronger.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Trash bins at every nook and corner, more public toilets and regularly cleaned garbage piles [2]

Hello! My edits and suggestions are below,

I come from Chennai, India. It ( Chennai) is one of the four major metros in the country. Recently, according to BBC report, Chennai made its place to (as one of the) top 10 ten cities that are best suited to live in the year 2015. Safety, expansion of metro trains(,) and ( the) positive attitude(s) of the people towards different cultures were(only a) few reason(s) mentioned. However, there are few things in the city that has to should improve. If I could change one thing in my hometown, which will make it better, is it would be the cleanliness of the city and the attitude of the people about cleanliness. ( I like how you began by introducing the city, now I have a clear picture, good introduction!)

To the outside world(,) ECR road and Tech parks are the faces of Chennai city. These places look very clean and neat in the photographs. Marina beach, which is the second largest urban beach in the world(,) is in Chennai and many visitors who come to Chennai never misses these places. (Yet) when people visit these places(,) they are will be in for a shock.( There are)lack of thrash bins, piles of papers and cans at the corner of the street, pan stains on the walls and people urinating in public are common site in many places in the city. These are definitely not a pleasant scene for a tourist or a visitor.

Once when I was taking my morning walk, I saw a man throwing a plastic bottle on the street. When I asked him about it, his answer was ( use "quotations" with dialogue here) it is ok okay to throw things on the street as there is already a huge pile of garbage on the street and this one bottle is not going to make any difference. This is the attitude of the people. They always point to others and expect others to change before they change. People tend to forget that change has to start from within. ( I love how you tied a personal experience with making change.)

I feel that the government has failed in its part in many ways. Government should install trash bins at every nook and corner, build more public toilets(,) and regularly clean garbage piles. They can even privatice (privatize) some of these works. Law makers should be creative in making new laws, such as community work for people who urinate in public, which will change the attitude of the people. ( Add one more sentence to make this a full paragraph)

Hi! I like your essay, it is full of rich details, I like your perspective. You have some grammatical errors I helped you out with. You are missing a strong closing. Now your closing should reflect everything you wrote about, use your opening, your experience, and explain ultimately how you would change everything. Your last paragraph was about the government, add a sentence to that paragraph, and make your closing paragraph next. Great start! I enjoyed reading!

Writing Feedback / "Engineering is an application of science to the purpose of life" said by Count Rumford [3]

Hello, my edits and suggestions are below:

"Engineering is an application of science to the purpose of life" said by Count Rumford. In fact, it has a significant impact on the development of our modern society in the recent decades. ( I would love to have you elaborate on your quote and how it ties to engineering.)

As far as I (am) concern(ed), engineers integrate their knowledge of physical sciences with more abstract realms beyond the boundaries of current technology in all areas of life. In other words, engineers are problem solver(s) who seek for quicker, better advanced, and less expensive ways to meet tough challenges. For example, Software engineers (,for example,) are working with source codes in terms of creating applications and software to help people with their works and communication. Civil engineers construct skyscrapers, buildings and accommodations with unique architectures. ( Another sentence about "types" of engineers would be a great fit here as another sentence.)

There are several attributes (that) accompany with an engineer's profession. that Anyone (that) decides to chase this profession should be aware of these ( Very confusing sentence, I placed in my suggestion by re-wording it) . The very first requirement is a broad knowledge in variety of fields. A civil engineer have has to understand about the environment so that he (or she) could can construct strong skyscrapers with solid foundations. which are able to endure severe weather conditions <( consider making this into a new full sentence). The next one requirement is the ability of deductive reasoning, it is useful for dealing with tough problems. A software engineer usually( has to) apply the process of deductions in order to come up with algorithms for his(or her) source codes. Last but not least(it) is the ability of working in (a)group, the team which works as a single unite will produce the optimal efficiency in what it is doing.

Engineering is a job that brings imaginations to real life and hence engineers must face with many challenges during their works. ( Give concrete examples about the challenges and imagination to real life:))

Environmental engineers seek for solutions to help reduce the level of air pollution released from many industries, find the ways to bring clean water to poor people and prolong the period of erosion. Software engineers are trying to upgrade their software with new features in order to compete with others. Medical engineers are studying in terms of making new vaccines with lower price.( Move this red section to your second paragraph)

Although this profession is difficult and challenging, I have still made my mind to chase this career. The first reason is that the difficulties themselves of this job is very interesting and I understand my works will contribute to the development of the mankind. I am able to master the technology and use them to create tools and devices to help people in living and working. ( Move these three sentences to your paragraph about challenges)

In conclusion, I believe that engineering is the occupation of the future and engineers will make over the innovation of techno?

Hello! First off I want to say you have some great ideas about engineering, and you are very knowledgeable. I enjoyed reading your ideas. I would highly suggest you outline your essays before writing, though you have many good ideas, they are scattered. I also suggest you read your essay aloud:) you are missing some words between your sentences. Look at the prompt above, you can even follow the same question form they are asking, making each asked question a paragraph in itself. Great start!

Writing Feedback / Children are tomorrow asset for parent and nation. IELTS essay [2]

Hello, my edits and suggestions are below:

Children are tomorrow(s) asset for parent and nation. For this reason, children in some countries in the world had( were?) introduced into well to-paid work( I can't quite understand this statement, please clarify?) . While the majority of people against this statement as it completely disorder (is)related to children who are not appropriate in terms of working, others believe that working enables to create a sense of responsibility through among younger ages' life. However, it is my firm conviction that to work will be available for children with exceptionally such live in poor family as far as they are concerned with their particular subject schools. ( Good opening, you are laying out the points, that you will be arguing.)

In a gist, these days the majority of children in many countries earn enough money to make a living. As they have enough ability to get a job, they are more likely to continue the job as their hobbies. As an obvious example, many under(age) teen children in America work as artists. They work full time to meet their daily necessity and to help their parents to finance their study (studies) through further degrees. As an inevitable result, children do not have enough time to study due to their quality time for studying(as is being) is been used for working.

Admittedly, societies contend this argument to be wrong owing to the fact that under(age or aged) teens ages is the time to acquire a wide knowledge. What it is important is how they (are) enabled to concentrate and focus well on their studies at school, not been (being) forced to work in their inappropriate time. In consequence, children's bright future determines how well they obtain knowledge.

Conversely, the way to build responsibility up into children's soul is by training to work experience. By doing so, children are estimated to gain wide experiences such meeting new friends in a workplace. Unintentionally, children are able to have mental agility due to (from) communicat(ation) with other people in all ages frequently. Take into account from this (the) argument that children will improve their critical thinking further compared to their friends in their ages who only study without earning money.

Personally speaking( Is this your opinion or experience, it would be great if you elaborated :)?), it seems that real work has to be done by adult people. How about poor (a) family which they have that has to survive to make a living for food consumption and children's education? This is that Children are supposed to take a part to earn money in their spare time to help their parents to finance their education. It does not matter for children as far as they can balance their time for studying and working. In consequence, children will be more mature to face a reality of life. ( Your argument in this paragraph is not clear, do you agree or disagree or are you arguing both sides?)

On the whole, although the majority of children in this world commonly earn enough money to make a living, I personally argue that they should take priority over studying at school through the further degree due to the fact that education is a basic step of their bright future. Where possible, parents should allow their children to study not for working, and government should create a new rule for children under age which is forbidden to make a living. Good closing, you argument is clear!

Hi! You have a great vocabulary and your ideas on child labor are great ones, you have good points. The only thing is some of your sentences were a little unclear as to what you were trying to say. I have placed suggestions ;). I think a great quote or maybe a couple paragraphs with statistics or percentages about child labor will be great to discuss in the views. A personal experience would be great as well! I would love to read more on this topic!

Writing Feedback / On the whole, people need to be aware of the value of food-consumed. [2]

Hello! my edits and suggestion are below:

Food can be produced cheaper if we use improved fertilizers and better machinery. However some of methods may be dangerous for human health, and have negative effects for local communities. What is your opinion?

Chemical fertilizer resulting from today's developments in science and technology are bound to pose benefits to the local community and human health. While this argument is nearly to be true to some extent due to the fact that some people could enhance productivity as to achieve cheaper food( End sentence here). Others argue that plants grown in this fertilizer are fairly susceptible to diseases organisms. Both ideas address merits and demerits. Therefore, it is my firm conviction that while controlling the increasing in use of chemical fertilizer in farm lands, local government should also lead the farmers into the true belief that organic fertilizer is more productive. ( Great way to start your introduction, your argument is clear! I notice you use the word "to" a few times, try replacing "to" with an alternate word)

Food using artificial products enables society to get this in the economical price owing to the amount of this production is affordable in every place, and this is totally different compared to organic food <( A little confusing, consider revising this sentence). A research study has examined that well-manicured European ( is a great expenditure) due to the huge amount of money ( they spend annually) because this Europe country is the biggest market for organic food in the world. This is slightly different compared to Indonesia where the majority of people in this country consume chemical food which is in low prices is low priced. In consequence, human beings are always attracted by economical market(s).< (Did you mean human beings like low prices for food? Your last sentence is not clear.)

Conversely, what stands out from food using fertilizer and better machinery is ( that) this approach affects to people's health and local communities. For pragmatic instance, people are easily to get disease get diseases easily such as cancer because the food that they consumedcontents contain of natural toxins, so this poison attacks their health. As an inevitable result, conventional farming neverdoes (is not) not becomes safe through (the) human body.

On the whole, ( Please consider using another closing phrase) people need to should be aware of the value food-consumed. For this reason, government should cooperate with health authorities in terms of controlling pesticide-used into the food. Also, they ( who is they?) should remind farmers to use the organic fertilizer is more productive rather than going back to basics.

Hi! You have a great start here! I see where you are going! You have a great vocabulary! Some of your sentences came across a little unclear, I gave you edit suggestions.Once you clarify the sentences you will have a great essay on your hands. Try closing your essay( last paragraph) with wrapping up the whole essay such as, your thoughts, and a couple of sentences about what you agree with and what you disagree with. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Movement of population to cities becomes more popular in many countries for several reasons. IELTS [3]

Hi! Great start!
Here is an outline that may help you:

Introduction- Introduce the question and your thoughts
Body1-City advantages and disadvantages
Body 2-Rural city advantages and disadvantages
Body3-Argument of both sides/ reasons
Conclusion- Close the paragraphs with an overview

I see you have great thoughts but your advantages and disadvantages are jumbled up. This outline is just a suggestion, but structuring your thoughts/sentences would make your essay stronger. You are on the right path though!

Graduate / I have known her well for the past three and half years as an undergraduate student [3]

This is my letter of recommendation. Please review it and also provide feedback. Your comments will be highly appreciable. Thank You.

To Whom It May Concern(,)

I am pleased to write this letter of recommendation for ****, who is keen to pursue graduate studies in at your university.

I have known her ( students name) well for the past three and half years as an undergraduate student. She ( Students full name) was my student for the courses Data structures, Theory of automata and formal languages and Computational intelligence<( I would suggest all the classes are capitalized or all lowercase, however you are trying to present it) . During the (this) period of association, I perceived her as having (an) outstanding overall intellectual and analytical ability.

Being (a) computer student, her keen interest in computational skills and application of these skills in the project impressed me a lot were impressive. She was always an attentive student in the class, and ( was always) receptive to new ideas. ( New sentence here)> She and has concepts and her capacity for lucid presentation( exceeds expectations). She was regularly and punctual during her studies and (she) was very much hard working( in my classes). She is extremely co-operative and possesses the capacity to contribute positively while working as part of a team. She has strong communication and presentation skills. During my lectures she always participated confidently. ( She was or she is?, make sure you stick to the same tense, which ever one you choose to use :))

Considering ****'s academic excellence and effective communication skills, I rank her among the top 2% of the students of her class. I strongly recommend her for the graduate program in Computer science at your University with full financial aid.

I take this opportunity to wish her all the best in her future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Great letter! Very thoughtful. I placed a few edits that may be helpful,what I noticed was that you are using "was" and "is" interchangeably. If she was a great student in your class, stick to that tense of "was" in one paragraph. If she is a great person now, stick to "is" and the present tense, and who she is now in another paragraph. Good luck to you:)

Writing Feedback / In developed countries like America, France and Germany nearly everyone seems to own a car. [3]

Hello,

My edits and suggestions are below:

In developed countries like America, France(,) and Germany, nearly everyone seems to own a car. Private cars are obviously necessary to go to work, to do the weekly shopping(,) and to stay in touch with friends. But Yet, we are living in a changing world and I believe that there will be fewer cars in use in twenty years( versus ) than there are today. My opinion is supported by natural, social and even infrastructural arguments.

I love your last sentence, you move smoothly into your argument.

As we all know the natural gas and oil resources are limited and exactly these commodities are the main substances of fuel we use in cars. In the next( upcoming) years, the supply of oil and gas will decrease which(will) subsequently leads to an increase of fuel pricing. In twenty years fuel will be so expensive that only very wealthy people are will be able to buy some (it/fuel). (A great point to place here is how much it costs in comparison to the costs from a few years back?)

Another factor which that has an effect of car usage is the factor of status symbols ( it embodies/it carries). Currently Fast expensive cars are used to show your prosperity( You do not need the word currently, you have a present tense word"are" to tell us it is happening now) . But in twenty years, cool or successful people will ( be able to) use a green lifestyle to get social credit. Because of Environmental pollution and the climate change is more will most likely be a relevant topic in the future. More people( Detail who more people are) want to stop pollution and protect the environment. All these people will use public transportation as often as possible which reduces the used cars in the future.

Appealed by schools, universities and jobs even more people will live in cities in twenty years that there live today ( Please reword this sentence it is unclear, what you are trying to explain.) This rise of cities is accompanied by a greater infrastructure system cities have to offer. Even today it is unattractive to use cars in big cities. There are hugh problems to find finding parking spaces and it is really sad to waste alot of time in traffic. In twenty years more people will use public transportation(more) than today which subsequently(will) leads to a decrease of used cars.

Summing up, limited natural resources, the change of status symbols and the increase of city's infrastructure will lead to fewer car usage in twenty years than there is today.

Great essay! You have some great points! I would add some topics or details or stats about your topic to make it stronger. I added some edits for the grammatical and wordiness. You might also want to add a few more sentences to your closing. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Essay : an incident or set of incidents in your life that had the most profound influence on you ! [5]

Wow! What a touching essay! I enjoyed the read. I took out some smaller words to help you shorten without loosing the passion and thoughtfulness of it. What helps in shortening essays is taking out the smaller words, and replace those few small words with a synonym or longer/larger word. This keeps the value and thought of the essay good but still giving your message to the reader. ( It takes practice though) Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'pull myself back together'- exceptional achievement that highlights your academic experience gained [2]

Hello my edits and suggestions are below:

No One can not achieve victory without facing any challenges at any point( in their lives). Life is full of challenges. I have faced many challenges in my life. Sometimes I have failed, and sometimes I have achieved success. I learnt learned from (my) mistakes and it gives me experiences ( allows me) to face the next challenges. I was in year (two), when school started toget got tough. I had to learn to learning to adapt to a new place( what place? School? please specify:)), meet new people(,) and learn new skills in a short period of time.

I had decided to join a CCA despite having to juggle with my busy schedule. I wanted to meet new people, adapt to different environment, solve a problem(s), (and) accept responsibilities for a problem and solving it. However, things it started to get tough. My grades dropped drastically. ( Add here why your grades started to drop)Getting a GPA lesser than three was a disaster for me. as I wanted to further my studies which requires a good GPA. Then, I knew I was not ready for something new . I( started to) blame myself for everything. Despite all of these this, I managed to pull myself back together. A friend once told me, "No matter how bad something is, something good will always come out of it". I then realized that trying that joining the CCA which was something new, was not a bad thing.

The CCA I joined was a blessing in disguise. The new friends I made gave me advice and support, that ( this) gave me strength to overcome any obstacles. The challenges I faced were a tough one. But, slowly, I managed to pull through. My GPA got better but my cumulative GPA was not that good. I believe that a consistent or better GPA shows a student effort throughout his studies. The reason why I take This is as my greatest achievement is because in my opinion it is not just an achievement , but (also) something that changed my whole character and personality. In the end I became more confident in accepting new challenges.

Hi!
Great start! I took out some words to help you out, I see you faced many great challenges and succeeded! Try to section off your paragraphs to separate your topics. I would love for you to be a little more specific with what new place you had to adapt to and why your grades started to drop.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'my grandfather has diabetes' Young people enjoy more than older people? [2]

Hi! My edits and suggestions are below:

So that we can help you to our best abilities, it would be helpful if you placed the prompt, or be specific about what your writing assignment is:

Is this an argument essay? An opinion essay?

In my view, I liketo support for both people groups,because they are doing good job in professional,social and health areas( <Are you speaking of older groups or younger?).Younger ( groups) onesarehaving (have) the flexibility to do any kind of work and they are smart(er) than older people.They usually have many friends and enjoy by having fun in their life.

In professional life they( who is they?) have many opportunities to study as well as work,but i dont( do not) think people who are 60 in age are not supposed to study or sometimes work,because that it said to be their retirement stage.High salaries are paid only to the young ones who are smart in doing their work.( opinion, needs a statistic to support this)

According to health conditions young ones are good( what does good mean?) and healthier when compared to older people( what study is this?).Young people does not have restriction(s) in their intake of food and they enjoy,( space)but older people have to maintain their restrictions .For example,my grandfather is a dibetes patient and he is prohibited to eat sweets.Likewise,each and every older people will have some restrictions in their food,due to their health conditions.S

In social aspect of view,most older people make friends only of their own age,but this is not the case in younger people.They make friends with all and have lot of fun.Younger people usually go to gym and maintain their body ( <do you have a statistic on this?),but most older do not do this as they are old and their health condition may also not permit.

At certain point of time,old people also enjoy a lot by spending time in park,and chat with their friends.They also have exteme happiness when they are looking after their grandkids.Sometimes they enjoy in recreational activities.Some older people enjoy similar to younger people like going to gym and park.

To sum it up,young people enjoy more,but at the same time its not never old people enjoy more.

Hi! I see you got off to a great start, you have some good ideas, but you have many grammatical errors, which make it a little hard to understand your point of view. Always remember, writing is different than speaking. In writing you must clearly form your thoughts before typing them. You must make spaces after commas, and make a spaces after a periods. Also some of your statements are biased, some statements look like they are written as your opinion, for example if you are saying young people go to the gym and older people do not, you may want to find a fact that supports this. Or write"In my opinion" if you do not have a fact from a source. Also make sure some of your statements are from a respected position, for example, it may not be so wise to call older people"old people":) this wording can be taken as a insult. Maybe use words like "the elderly" or "senior citizens". Please replace your "they" words with an actual noun :).

I can help you by giving you a possible outline: Each section can have 3-5 sentences.
1-Introduction and your thoughts
2- The advantages of being young
3-The disadvantages of being young
4- The advantages of being elderly
5-the disadvantages of being elderly
6-Closing

Undergraduate / "Arguments of Affection"; dinner with my family. UC Prompt #1 [3]

Prompt: Describe the world you come from. For example your family, community, or school.

Hello! My edits and suggestions are below:

It's( It is) Friday night, and the soft sound of plucking guitar strings is resonating faintly from the walls of Friar Tucks Restaurant. The lighting is dim and the mitigating buzz of conversation around me(is) pleasant;( You somewhat jumped into the arguments quite fast in the paragraph, I would love another sentence here about the ambiance, then move to >) then as always the arguments arise. Our tones rise slowly at first gradually diminishing the amiable flow of small talk(,) until our simple disagreement teeters on the verge disaster. This is dinner with my family. (Wow you have a great vocabulary and an astounding way of describing the scene.)

As the only child of my parents, and the only grandchild on my father's side of the family, I have always been the center of attention. My grandfather, "Papa" as I call him, was a commander in the Navy during the Korean and Vietnam wars. As his only grandchild, I have always been subject to an endless number of lectures regarding everything from parallel parking to politics( I like the humor here ). My grandfather has always pushed me towards academic success, and motivated me to be studious and disciplined in everything I do.

While my grandfather is my motivator, my parents are my supporters. When I was Growing up(,) I remember looking at my house, which was small and rustic, and being embarrassed that it was not like the large beige houses with the perfect green lawns and white picket fences my friends lived in. It wasn't until I grew older that I realized that those big beautiful houses were filled with loneliness.The loneliness of a father who works four hours away, of a mother who couldn't remember the last time her children hugged her, and of children who used their parents absence to do whatever they wanted.It was after this realization that I re-evaluated my own home, and saw the vibrant, yet quite awful, paintings of my childhood displayed on the walls with pride, and most importantly I saw the love my parents felt for each other and for me something that no amount of fancy cars or perfect lawns could buy( This should be two sentence s). My parents are my supporters. The people that showed me the importance of creativity, of doing my best, and of having enough faith to believe that it will all work out. ( I really admire your descriptive sentences, but some of your sentences can be shorter, the words will flow smoother. Try shortening or using commas for some of your longer sentences.)

To say my family falls to opposite ends of the spectrum would be a bit of an understatement. We don't( do not) agree on politics, religion, sports, art, or even what restaurant to eat dinner at. Now that I come to think about it, there is very little we do agree on, but we are a family and that is what is important. That's( That is) why even when the people sitting at the table next to us leave the restaurant because we are arguing so loudly that our voices have covered the soft plucking of guitar strings, I simply hide my shadow of resigning embarrassment and smile. Because at the end of the day, it is their differences that have shaped me into the person I am, and will continue to shape me into the woman I hope to become.

Great ending! I love your poetic style of writing! As a reader, I had a little trouble understanding some of the longer sentences. I had to read it twice to get the flow and thought of the sentence as a whole. Overall this is a great piece. My suggestion is work on your longer sentences, work on dividing them if you have two to three thoughts in the writing. Good luck!

Scholarship / My life has always fixated on robotics - one of reason why I chose study in Scotland. [3]

Hello, My edits and suggestions are below,

I have faith in imagining things, pursuing them with all my grit and whittling them into certainty, an
instance in my life is robotics. My life has always (been) fixated on robotics, to go to a great university, and to A cquire
immense knowledge of robotics and build them. It feels very right that I've( I have) committed myself to robotics
despite my many interests, R obotics combines nearly all of them( please replace "them" with another descriptive word), it is capable to connect every field from ecology to music to astronomy, and this makes robotics even awe-inspiring to me. However T hese are not ( the)only the motives for me to decide on artificial intelligence I t will aid me to develop advanced robots which would help me in contributing the development of mankind which is like giving back what I have grown because of them( <run-on, please divide this sentence).

It is very exciting as(I) imagining ( imagine) the robots I could build,(it) is envisaging the environment where I will learn
to build them. At this point I would like to quote the words "If I have seen further it is by standing on the

shoulders of giants" by Sir Isaac-Newton .< floating period) Which will be exactly suited the specific motive for opting the
prestigious "University of ABC", Pioneer in the Artificial-Intelligence having cutting edge research
laboratory; K nown for the outstanding reputation for excellence in world-leading research, innovation and
teaching. < Run on, please shorten this sentence)I foresee as the best place for me to hone my robotics skills better .

While considering The University, which is going be a new transformation in (my)career advancement, the
location of the university is an important factor to ruminate. In this state(I ) am elated to embark (to) Scotland.
Not only because of Scottish university (is) leading in the world rankings, but (it is)also the country which that always
showing willingness is willing to support researchers. This may be is reflected (in the) change in of the world-renowned
inventions. from Examples are, Cloning to MRI to touch bionics; and in addition to the reputation which it has been earned from the international peoples as the "B est place to be".

As I previously expressed, about my love in the realistic and heroic possibilities of robotics ( confusing sentence), I am
fascinated about the realism in robotics, it really defines my passion of serving mankind via robotics ( you mentioned robotics once). my
under-graduation "Mechanical-Engineering" provided solid platform to visualize my dream into reality,
by developing( a fourteen)robot prototype for various applications. Leading daily published a pictorial titled (< Confusing how you introduce this sentence, please consider revising) "Robovin Brammakkal (means Creator of Robots)" emphasizing my achievements. Also, I am

maintaining a blog nijanthanvasudevan.blogspot.in where I post my research online to share and
aid any budding inventors. The innovative and conceptual design skills which I learned helped me to land
a Design Engineer job in Research & development sector of corporate such as AAA, BBB
energy solutions (India) Pvt ltd & CCC (India) Pvt ltd. for more than
2.5years( Please type out all acronyms) .

These years of professional experience helped me to get a whole new perspective towards
designing, conceptual and prototype developments. In addition to that, but it enhanced my teamwork skills,
perseverance & and vision which I believe it would make a perfect combination to pursue my dreams in
University of ABC.

Hi! I see you have a great vocabulary and you are very talented! I am almost sure you will be going to Scotland! I have added my edits above. Please work on run-ons, and wordiness in your sentences. This can take away from the value of your essay. Simpler sentences may work better for you, you have an advanced vocabulary, so advanced words in smaller sentences can help your writing, and deliver your message. Please use capitals at the beginning of your sentences, you have random capitals( highlighted red). Watch out for small things like floating periods. Spell out all acronyms, and spell out all numbers. For example, 2.5 should be two and a half. Great start and good luck!

Undergraduate / I decided to learn something practical, technical and capable of creating huge material [3]

Hello my edits and suggestions are below:

When I was about to choose a major to specialize in, I convinced myself of learning (to learn) something practical, (something) technical and capable of creating huge material wealth. At that time, I thought only that (this was the only) kind of occupation( that) could truly make a difference to the world.( Place a simple sentence here about which major you chose> you jumped ahead assuming the reader knows you picked Architecture) Architecture seemed to be a nice choice, combining engineering techniques and romantic imagination. ( I see your passion here, good sentence.) Then there I was, studying architecture at one of the best engineering schools in China. ( Overall nice introduction!)

Admittedly, I did have a great time exploring the world of architecture for the past one and a half years. However, it did not take long before I realized that architecture was just an okay ( mediocre/ average) option rather than a real interest for me. ( Place a sentence here that gives your reader a sense of you being an architect student, but how you loved college) As for campus life, I did enjoy the time of being a tiny spot in a huge crowd, cheering for our school team in a basketball game. But I felt lost in a seemingly boundless campus with more than 40,000 people.

One day(,) it occurred to me that I had spent so many years trying to meet some "so-called" criteria but failed to be at being myself. I have bought a lot of fashionable clothes but they were not my type.(< This sentence is out of place. Tie in how buying clothes that were not your type was similar to what you were experiencing with your major and your sense of self. ) Likewise, I thought architecture would suit me fine because it is a popular major.

( Make this a new paragraph) But My real interest lies in liberal arts. After so many detours I have made, I eventually decide(d) to pursue my real interest and dream college life regardless of what other people may think of them. I want to transfer to a medium-sized private school with fertile ground for liberal arts. I am fascinated by the with the complex relationships between ( among) (< between should only be used when speaking of two things) countries or nations. As an acute observer of international affairs as well as and an active participant of Model United Nations, I enjoy the time when I am involved in delicate negotiations. I have taken part and am planning to continue being active in various kinds of public speaking activities.

( Make this a new paragraph) Apart from that, I also love writing and plan to pursue further development in creative writing, which is a not yet (a)available field in Chinese universities. In particular, I am keen on poetry and novel creation. I have been constantly contributing articles for school magazines and am confident of being an excellent writer in your school.

I believe that the active academic atmosphere in your school provides will would bring out the best in me. First, I intend to take various courses on arts and humanities in order to enlarge my knowledge base. Second, I am looking forward to being involved in international and intercultural communication. I will also take part in relevant competitions and conferences to upgrade my negotiating skills and to prepare myself for achieving the goal for the goal of becoming an ambassador in the future. Last but not least, I plan to write a book about my college life and have it published after graduation. I have made detours and have been through tough times redefining myself. But, I (will) treasure all the knowledge and experience I(will) have gained and would love to share (this) knowledge and experience with (the) people in your diverse community.

Hi! Great essay! I love how you explain your career change and the reasons. This makes your essay very thoughtful and passionate. I added some edits and moved around some paragraphs that may help your essay. Tips in your introduction, write every sentence as if the reader does not know who you are. Never assume the reader knows. I gave you some edits that may help. Good luck on your journey!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine [2]

Hello my edits and suggestions are below:

Good health is a key for (to a) happy life. For this reason,( there is an increasing amount) people are increasingly of people using alternative medicines to treat illness. While this traditional treatment addresses unknown side effects, owing to not be tested ( these are not tested) scientifically, (and) many patients report positive experiences with this ( these treatments). Therefore, I personally believe that seeing high-qualified doctors is a valuable solution for people suffering (from) illness(es).

In an (the) industrialization era, alternative medicine is a pathway to treat illness, and this becomes a popular trend in medical aspect. Research studies have shown that an alternative therapies in Australia (have) climbed steadily during the past 20 twenty years, and people in this country( which country?) is are very conservative (in their) attitudes to natural or alternative therapies. ( Place a statistic here) As a result, alternative medicine is common issue for (the) public.

It is believed that alternative medicine can cure many kinds ( types) of disease(s). According to the Australian Journal of Public Health, 18% percent of patients visiting alternative therapist(s) do so because they suffer from chronic illness. TheyThe individuals in the same studycommented that they liked the holistic approach of their alternative ( alternative? medicine? doctor? please clarify) and detailed attention they had received. By doing so, patients do not need to drink medical drugs. In consequence, alternative medicine enables to treat illness.

Conversely, many alternative medicines have not been tested scientifically. What stands out from this case is( that) an illness could (can)get worse without being tested and treatment from a doctor. Research studies have shown that 12% of American(s) cannot treat their backache problem after getting acupuncture for several times in a therapist. As a result, alternative medicine may have no beneficial effect at all.

In conclusion, alternative medicines might treat ( many) kinds of illnesses . However, people should know (seek) the opinion from (of) qualified doctors to know and identify accurately what kinds of disease suffered them (they are suffering from). When people come to suffer from a chronic disease, it could may be better for them to see a doctor (physician) soon to get receive medical treatment based on scientifically tested (ing).

Hi! You have a very well organized essay! I see your introduction, body paragraphs, and closing. I see you weigh both sides of the argument which is good! You may want to add a couple of sentences to your body paragraphs. Unless specified in the prompt, aim for 5-7 sentences per paragraph. I have placed some edits to help your grammar. The percentages are good, it gives strength to your argument. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / "Grades" - immense educational pressure put on the little children in our South Asian societies [4]

Hello my edits and suggestions are below:

She sat on the swing just , by the deserted school playground, fixated on the colored blue paper on her hand - staring at it - as if her life depended on it. To be honest it literally depended on it, or so most would say. Painstakingly running her fingers through every line ( what line? the paper? be detailed) and checking over and over; she sighed deeply. The last few weeks have (had) been extremely hard on her.

She tried to recall ever getting up( <standing up? finished with her work? unclear) from her table at the corner of her dimly lit room donning bright posters of cheerful Barbie's against the candy pink of her walls - the ambience hardly reflected her psyche. She worked hard, she really did, but all she could think of now was the sheer disapproval that'd be on her mother's eyes. Did she let her down? She did, didn't she? After all her mother had invested most of her time on her.

She took her to coaching's( Who is her? Her mother's coaching?) diligently all around the city day after day, sat outside her class the whole time Bella was inside - listening absentmindedly to the vague lectures aimed at her, and took her back home religiously. Her mother unearthed every forgotten friends, every acquaintances - and pulled all the strings in her power to land the best home tutor available. And now how will her mother show her face in front of the other parents? And what about her cousins, uncles and aunts? What would she say to them? Maybe they are already calling her mom to check on her, about how she did. In one stroke she has disgraced her whole family. ( Did she feel as though she disgraced her whole family? Did the family tell her she was disgraceful? Unclear ) Sitting there on the desolate playground she pondered over the purpose of her meaningless life.

But should( she) an 11-year-old worry about the purpose of her life and ramifications of her actions? ( <You should keep this sentence in the "she"pattern, you jump to questioning the present when this whole story is based on how "she" feels.) Sometimes she wishes (wished) she was Shimu, the little bubbly girl her age, who also happens to be her domestic help. She Shimu goes about her works, does the laundry, cleans the house, cooks the food and meekly follows every order - but yet somehow always remains cheery. At times she does find herself on the receiving end of sharp name-calling and caustic reproaches; but she would soon forget and return to the TV room at night all chirpy and jovial; what wouldn't Bella do to take her place right now. "Maybe her life is simpler", she supposed, "at least not too much is expected of her".( <This whole section is unclear, you should use the name Shimu instead of she, it becomes unclear who is "she" when you are speaking of of she and Shimu. ) Bella shook her head and focused on the blue paper gawking back at her. She never thought some pesky letters would make her feel so sad and insignificant. But here she was reminiscing every single things she could've done but instead sat alone, utterly disgusted at herself - at how she let everyone down; the shame bore down on her like a thousand mountains. Amid these flurry of emotions she looked up and saw the only person she dreaded to see enter the playground. Seeing her mother's face, she couldn't hold back her tears anymore, she did the only thing that made sense to her, she ran to her - sobbing.

Very moving, I can feel the emotions in the writing, I like your form of storytelling! My suggestions are that if you are going to use a creative style of writing you have to keep your reader clear. You should try to stick to the "she" tense in all your sentences. When you are speaking of Shimu, I noticed you use she for both, this became confusing to read. I was also unclear on whether you were speaking of grades at first, or a letter in the end. Keep in mind, you want your audience to follow what you want them to, you have to make certain specifics clear, so the reader is not guessing small details you want the reader to know :) I love the ending, you have a good way with words!

Scholarship / What is an intellectual concept that you find stimulating and what does it tell us about you? [3]

As I was First introduced to the concept in of existentialism in world history class, it fascinated me.

Existentialism dictates that every person has an individual sense of truth and free will they are able to act upon candidly.

Yet, as a society, we all abide by secular rules despite our human nature.

Existentialism is like being eighteen years old, but living in your parent's house.

You legally have the freedom to do as you please, but you (must) obey your parent's rules because, it is their house.

I enjoy studying human behavior. and

It is interesting to see how people change their habits to align parallel with societal norms.

Great start! I just shortened and cleaned up some of your sentences, overall you have a good point. I enjoyed the read. I would love to read more concrete examples, I hope my edits and suggestions help!

Writing Feedback / It's an argument essay in which finding of Dr. Field observation is challenged by Dr. Khap approach. [2]

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate
the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

The argument claims Dr. Field's conclusion about Tertian village culture is invalid and the observation-centered approach carried by Dr. Field is also invalid. Stated in this way(,) the argument manipulated factors( what factors?) and conveys a distorted view of the situation( whats the distorted view?) ,which fails to reveal several factor(s) on which it could be evaluated. (You have a good introduction, but it may helpful if you took a couple of sentences to describe what factors and distorted views Dr. Field and Dr. Karp are speaking of.)

Firstly First, the survey had been done two?( twenty or two years?) years back and by observing Dr. Field concluded that children in island of Tertia were reared by an entire village.This statement is a stretch. M oreover, (the) Argument readily assumes that observation-centered approach is not an effective approach to provide any conclusion. It might be possible that Dr. Field had observed only a few children on the

island of Tertia and by observing them he concluded that children were reared by an entire village. (Spell check and space your sentences after a period))

Secondly Second, Dr. Khap, an anthropologist, who took interviews of children living in the group of islands that include tertia.
This evidence undermine(s) the Dr. Khap statement that the interview- centered method is more accurate than observation
based.Because Dr. khap not only took interviews of children who were living on teria but also apart from tertia.
So,it might be possible that the conclusion made by Dr. Khap is based on the accumulated data of different Island. Cleary
there is no evidence that can commensurate that the interview-centered approach is better than
observation-centered approach of Dr. Field. ( Always capitalize cities and capitalize names of people)

The argument could be bolstered if Dr. Khap had provided the exact statistics of interviews done to the Tertia's children or
if they have provided the conclusion based only on island of Tertia. These are some factor which makes the argument more reasonable.

In the conclusion, the argument remains flawed for the above-mentioned reason and is therefore unconvincing.
It could can be considerably strengthen(ed) if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts.Wi thout this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

Hi! You have a very good vocabulary, you know how to use the data above to state your argument, which is a good skill to have! I found your argument difficult to follow, you mix up Dr. Khap's studies with Dr. Field's studies. Thus, making it hard to read into your argument the first three paragraphs.

Suggestion: Use one paragraph to explain Dr. Khap's views and another to explain Dr. Fields views. Use your third paragraph to tie in both their arguments, and to make your point with last paragraph( as you did above). I also placed some suggestions for your grammatical errors,

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Chalk and Cheese. Not all siblings have the same personality, some are as different as polars. [4]

Not all siblings have the same personality, some are as different as polars. One big example is are me and my sister my sister and I. Although we were raised together and same blood runs in our veins, we never agreed (agree) on one same thing. Many friends (of our friends)were become surprised, saying they say, "Wha t do you both have in common? You are more like chalk and cheese than sisters!"

To point out some the differences, one day we were going to a party together, I got in walked in,extremely quiet hoping that none would notice me. In contrast, my sister made a loud entrance (into the party) and she was (became)the life and soul of the party. ( This was) unlike me. I believe that my sister's high self-confidence is the reason. (Add sentence here about your personality and why you feel you are quiet.)Another difference is that My sister is a down to earth person, she also can make relationships fast with strangers and persuade them. due This is due to her charismatic personality. On the other hand, I am a quite stand - offish person,(I) am not that as friendly. which makes most Many say that I am aloof.

Despite all the contrast we both have, me and my sister my sister and I are like best friends. and we are so close together We are close, I am lucky to have her as my sister.

Hi! Great start! I was not sure of what the writing prompt was about so I went on ahead and made some corrections and edits. I like how you began, you gave us differences between you and your sister. I would love for you to elaborate a little more on yourself and what makes you different (but in a positive light). Good luck!

Writing Feedback / More attention should be paid on how people live - the society, people migrates from place to place [2]

In the past, people usually stayed in one place throughout their lives. These days, people move more around. They often live in several places in their life time.

Agree or Disagree?
==============================================

Place an introduction sentence here about how people staying in one place and moving around motivates your opinion on how more attention should be paid on how people live> More attention should be paid on how people live. Many a person thinks that people In the past (people) were more likely to live in a (the) same place. While it is utterly true to some extent as they that wanted to be close with to their families, others people argue that people today tend to move to other (alternate) places because they want to improve their quality lives. However, I strongly believe that living in the many places is difficult for some people. ( You use persons and people 4 times, try to reduce using the same words over:))

In modern era, staying in many places gives many advantages. Firstly First, when people need to earn a high income, they have to move from their villages to the city because they have many choices of job, and they can apply the job which provides a better salary. Secondly (Second), people will meet see? new environments( People can not meet environments, meeting is more like a person to person statement ). They can learn many cultures and customs in their new places. Thirdly ( Third), people will receive new information when they live in the new town because their news facilities are different than their previous home town. Hence, moving around to many places will bring benefits. to people.

Apart from these tangible advantages, living in many regions gives negative impacts. People who want to move to other places have to prepare many things such as their mental(health) and finance(s). If people tend to go to some go places, they will also bring their families. They Families moving should encourage their families to adapt for (to the) new habitat. It is very essential, because they usually experience real culture shock. Likewise, money is the most important factor when people move around( <repetitive.You do not need this sentence because you already told us "finances") . They should buy many goods to support their daily needs in the new place. It is widely recognised that moving around should be under consideration. (Please consider using an alternate word for they)

For this reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that although people are more likely to live in many different places, they have to take this into consideration before they make a decision to move around. It is imperative that people should be well-prepared when they want to move to other places with their families because it is not easy to change our live environment.

Hi! Great start! I see you have some strong valid points! You have a great argument! What I noticed is you are using repetitive words like "they" and "persons" and "people" and "It". Try using these word less than twice, and find an alternate word to replace, it will make your essay an easier read. I have placed suggestions for your next draft. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / People's life would be completely different without Internet; IELTS essay [5]

Hi! I enjoyed the read, I love reading about different perspectives, you clearly pointed the positives and negatives of internet usage, I have placed some edits that should help your revisions! At the beginning of each sentence you do not always need, an introduction( First, Second, furthermore) to your thoughts, just move into it!

Good luck!

Scholarship / I realized I had interest on impacting knowledge and affecting the lives of young people [3]

Hi! I see your inspiration! You have good experience and your ideas are well thought out. I would say you should work on your timing. I was confused about when and what dates you taught, when you decided to switch to teaching the subjects and so on. I was once told, never assume the reader knows, you must map out your writing to clearly explain to the reader. I edited and gave some suggestions that may help you on the next draft.

Good luck!