EF_Season
Feb 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age. IELTS WRITING TASK II [4]
To begin a strong paragraph, particularly one that is an argument, it is generally a good practice to begin with a complete sentence. Here, you write: "World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age." What about the world's population? What is a geometric rate? To what day an age are you referring? Great writing is specific. Give your reader a full sentence that outlines precisely what you intend to say in your essay/answer.
Later you write that "some people" argue. Who are the some people? Again, be specific with you writing. The more specific you are able to be the better your reader will be able to follow your ideas.
When you write: "I am of opinion, a great number of societies impact on environmental." What do you mean? What societies? What is the impact? When you write "on environmental" it raises the question for the reader on environmental WHAT? Finish your thought here so that your reader has a better understanding of what you intend to argue.
In the conclusion, when are "the old days?" Do you mean the 1980s or the 1800s? Again, the more precise you can be the better the experience for your reader.
Grammar: At times you tend to misuse pronounce. An example is you write that "people should be aware of the danger TO the situation." The correct pronoun in this instance is "OF the situation." You might want to study the usage of pronouns and see if you can apply the proper rules across the entirety of your answer.
I enjoyed reading your answer to the question. I think you have a good start and to ensure that your question is more clearly answered, go through the essay to find places in which your reader might need clarification. Then, instead of assuming the reader knows what you mean, go ahead and write more accurately. Define phrases like "this" or "that" which refer back to things that came before. And so forth. Good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
EF_Season
To begin a strong paragraph, particularly one that is an argument, it is generally a good practice to begin with a complete sentence. Here, you write: "World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age." What about the world's population? What is a geometric rate? To what day an age are you referring? Great writing is specific. Give your reader a full sentence that outlines precisely what you intend to say in your essay/answer.
Later you write that "some people" argue. Who are the some people? Again, be specific with you writing. The more specific you are able to be the better your reader will be able to follow your ideas.
When you write: "I am of opinion, a great number of societies impact on environmental." What do you mean? What societies? What is the impact? When you write "on environmental" it raises the question for the reader on environmental WHAT? Finish your thought here so that your reader has a better understanding of what you intend to argue.
In the conclusion, when are "the old days?" Do you mean the 1980s or the 1800s? Again, the more precise you can be the better the experience for your reader.
Grammar: At times you tend to misuse pronounce. An example is you write that "people should be aware of the danger TO the situation." The correct pronoun in this instance is "OF the situation." You might want to study the usage of pronouns and see if you can apply the proper rules across the entirety of your answer.
I enjoyed reading your answer to the question. I think you have a good start and to ensure that your question is more clearly answered, go through the essay to find places in which your reader might need clarification. Then, instead of assuming the reader knows what you mean, go ahead and write more accurately. Define phrases like "this" or "that" which refer back to things that came before. And so forth. Good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
EF_Season