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Posts by behieli
Name: elahe behin
Joined: Apr 1, 2016
Last Post: Apr 15, 2016
Threads: 7
Posts: 19  
Likes: 4
From: Iran
School: Tehran university, faculty of fine arts.

Displayed posts: 26
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behieli   
Apr 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young drivers should complete a safe driving education course before being licensed to drive [7]

Dear @justivy03 thank you for your heart-warming comment.
I do feel the necessity to read more in english to gain more knowledge and confidence. Also I feel an urgency to write and practice, because of the IELTS test I'm going to take. Actually, I feel it is better to relieve from the burden of this test and then focus on reading more literature, but I'm not sure really.

I live in a city that, it is not very common to see people communicating in english so participating in this forum is a great chance for me to expand my writing skills.

Thank you for being helpful and supportive.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some offices has put ban on smoking in workplace. What do you think? [6]

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons.

The harmful effects of smoking are absolutely proven; the social and educational systems are trying to aware and alarm the society of deadly effects of it. Yet, smoking takes the lives of thousand every year; it seems that compared to huge investigation of companies on cigarette advertisement, the educational system has not achieved significant successes in persuading people to abstain smoking.

However, due to its disadvantages for both the smokers and others, specific regulations are conducted to prohibit smoking in public places and workspaces. This rule has arouses some supporters and debaters. This essay will discuss the reasonability of this decision

First of all, scientific results show that smoking has more serious harms for people who are close to smokers than to those who smoke. It can cause breath diseases, different kinds of cancer and allergies in long course of time in people who are exposed to smoke of the cigarettes. The smoke of cigarette also can deteriorate the health conditions of who diagnosed with breath diseases, such as asthma.

For these reasons, prohibiting smoking in public places is a absolutely reasonable attitude. Though authorities do not have the right to interfere with private life of individuals, they have to protect the public health by conducting proper measures.

Secondly, although many addicts argue that smoking helps them to concentrate, sooths their nerves and reduce their anxiety while they work, it can be disturbing for other people around them. The smoke and odor of smoking is irritating for many and in work places it can interrupts their concentration and hinders them from working.

As a consequence, it reduces the productivity in workplaces. Verifying these complaints employers legislate proper laws to prevent the upcoming pauses in the work process.

Additionally, smokers in public environments encourage the young to smoke. Society is responsible to provide its young generation a proper model. Therefor, it considers high standards to abandon in in public places and workspaces and specific charges should be considered for breaking this law.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Solving for children concentrate in school [3]

Dear @Melisakaln here are some corrections. I hope it will help.

First of all. there are many verb-tense mistakes in your essay; past tenses instead of present tenses and so on...

Also;

İn spite of the fact that there were not consensus betweenamong some people for schools in the past era,theytheir invention endured many years ago. (or they have been invented many years ago)

ago.A lso,fi rst please insert space after punctuation marks.

Also, at first education systems waswere prefered by boys many years agowhile; however,there are equal rates fromfor boys and girls in the todays

thusThus(use capitals at the beginning of your sentences) ,neither girls nor boys dont have high rates to each other.superiority to each other ( or there are not much difference between the boys and girls rates.

more pay attentionpay more attention than others

every childrenchildareis affected by other children.

Morever,ıf governments have repeal for both schools hours and days,children will become more relaxed and ope-minded thanks to that.( also I didn't get the meaning of this sentence)

Therefore,they might be more ignorsnt?? and insulse??than others who go to school regularly.

Despite of the these,

Plus, I think you better review your essay for the usage of necessary punctuation marks.

Thanks.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young drivers should complete a safe driving education course before being licensed to drive [7]

The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to make all young drivers complete a safe driving education course before being licensed to drive

With the rapid pace of urban life and outpouring cars on highways, we witness increasing number of deadly accidents every year. In addition to careless or intoxicated drivers, which harass the lives of others, many fatal accidents occur for inexperienced young drivers whose thirst for speed drives them to highways. Many are of the idea that compulsory long proper safety driving education for young people can reduce the number of these accidents.

This essay supports this point of view according to the following reasons.
First of all, some times young generation, enthusiastic to experience anything that captures their interest including driving fast, show meager regard toward moral values or safety codes. A legal supervision should be conducted to hinder upcoming careless activities and consequently reduce catastrophic results. With proper, detailed driving education they may internalize the driving rules and attend safety regulations.

As a result, in future they will pay more attention to required safety cods. In addition the age the young who are allocated to drive should be heightened.

Secondly physical and mental characteristics of candidates to obtain a driving license play a key role in his or her driving abilities. Psychological statistics unveils that young people don't show adequate ability to control their anxiety and handle the problem when they are exposed to complex demanding situations. Long safe driving lessons can prepare and evaluate them with required features and abilities to encounter unpredicted situations in driving. An experienced driver reacts calmly facing an accident preventing devastating results.

For the above-mentioned reasons long safe driving lessons can help to diminishing of tragedies in streets. Nonetheless, even a long driving education cannot secure a permanent careful, law-obedient driver; further evaluation is required to guarantee the eligibility of a driver.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / One set fixed punishment for all crimes is more efficient. [5]

... one set punishment for each crime.Fir st of all,the system of fixed ...
... dissuasive from offending crime because,du ring imprisonment,be ing inmate with somebody who are ...

Please put the First of all, secondly & ... in beginning of a new paragraph and use space after commas and other punctuation marks.

discriminateddiscrimination against ordinary people may disappear

This means there will be no more complaints about ...

e.Ad mittedly, put in a new paragraph

it seems to me that each crime should be judged taking both the circumstances and motivation into account.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people think that men and women have different qualities... [3]

if you let me to make some corrections:

appropriate opportunities to performing their abilities,

and indirectly enhance the improvementprogress of social economy. enhance and improvement have the same meaning.

by nursing and teacherteaching

minersing, fire fightersing and sailorsing that are more suitable for men. you are speaking about jobs so useing.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / How the extensive migration affects the world? [3]

To what extent will migration from the developing world to the developed world become a social and political issue in the 21st century?

The distribution of opportunities is far from even throughout the world. This compels great number of people to leave their hometown to seek a better educational, employment and residential chances. In addition, wars and natural disasters drive many to displace every year. This displacement affects the immigrants' life and the host country as well.

Firstly, immigrants endure hardship to adopt the new rules and establish a whole new life. For some immigration is like performing suicide to reborn in new country; to start from zero. Differences in spoken language could add the problem and hinders them from communication and making bond with host country.

Secondly, the host society faces a dilemma for the opportunities it must share with new population. This can ignite the social anger and cause anti-racial movements. It will take time to educate people of a country to gain tolerance to voluntarily share their opportunities with the guest population.

Nonetheless, the wave of immigrants bring new workforce for the receiver country.
The recent decades witness fierce conflicts in middle easts, which forced a great amount of the population to migrate to Europe. It is told that Germany as the greatest host country will benefit from the educated and trained groups of this population in coming years.

Moreover, the new comers bring diversity and prosper flexibility and tolerance in host country. United States of America, with the greatest level of investment on education system, attracts young population from all around the world who seek enhanced educational facilities. As a consequence, the country is known for its cultural and social diversity, which helps to flourish its economy and education system.

Furthermore, in cases of war or natural disasters all of the countries worldwide have to participate to handle the crisis. As a consequence, the intense pressure would not be on neighbor countries.

In conclusion, immigration is a critical issue with cultural and economical side effects, which can be handled with international participation
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Scholarship / I will do whatever it takes to reach my goal (Scholarship) [3]

Good job Juan, also:

I am now a person who thinks of progress, a dreamer, and a leader in my community.
I would write it this way : Now, I am a dreamer, a leader in my community, who thinks of progress.

Moving to the U.S. was life changinga turning point for our family.

at night after arriving home from middle school.

including advancement and earning the respect from professors and peers.
behieli   
Apr 14, 2016
Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

Hi everybody!
I found out today that three or four of my essays have been deleted and my posts are decreased. I contacted the forum and they said that it was an information backup mistake and maybe they can fix it or not.

is this common here? did this happen for you too?
behieli   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Empowering the societies with the most effective-functional policies to maintain their advance [5]

What a government should do to empower a society?

In highly competitive world of today it is every government's responsibility to equip a society with the most effective functional policies to maintain its progress and advance.

To reach this crucial goal, the first step can be to cement a friendly international relationship with the world.
International affairs will help a country to have access to opportunities and experiences of other nations and share it's own with the world as well. In addition, it will avoid unnecessary conflicts with the world. Instead of wasting a nation's energy and resources over military purposes a responsible government designate its economical resources for advancements in culture, art and science. And this leads us to the second most important function of a responsible government; to improve and upgrade the educational system. With an enhanced and advanced educational system the handling of the social and economical problems hastens. A society, which values the art and culture, can survive the local and international crisis in a more civilized and logical way.

In addition, an effective government should provide equal employment opportunities for educated people of society in suitable positions. An unemployed educated power faces the society with social problems.

Providing a country with a stable economy is the third most important duty of any responsible government. A stable progressive economy system ensures its citizens to function properly and ensures them to investigate on local industries.

In addition, distributing the opportunities equally for people of different social classes will prevent social conflicts and discouragements. However, there should be enough encouragement to compete and gain the privileges of higher educational and social grades for young generations.

In conclusion, reaching to an effective international relationship, an advanced educational system and a powerful economy, in addition to stable social system are the most important principals any successful government tries to reach.
behieli   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IElTS writing topic: should rich countries share their wealth with poor? [3]

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Rivalry over occupying the best survival opportunities is a practice that has compelled the nations to progress and persevere since the dawn of the civilization. Every government is responsible to manage the best policy to support its nation's progress and function.

However, in this competitive world some nations are deprived of the basic necessities to survive and progress.
Lack of natural resources, occurring a natural disaster or an irresistible political crisis or war can bring a nation's fate to despair and hinders the function of the society.

Developed countries have responsibility to aid other nations in desperate times to go through the crisis for the ethical as well as political reasons.

First of all, humanistic and ethical values shape the strongest bonds among people of the world, which has guide them to survive even over the most disastrous times. Poverty is an international issue that could be tackled only by contribution of every group and individual as well.

Secondly, from political point of view, poverty should be considered as a critical issue, which can lead to more serious local and international problems. Pouring immigrants, terrorism, and corruption are some of the results of poverty, which if not rapidly handled could be contagious over vast areas of the world. For this reason, the international organizations should scan the regions with economic vulnerable economic system to find a constant resolution.

Specific situations require urgent international aids however; the aids usually could lead to interference of the contributor country in the receiver country's politics.
Plus, receiver country may suffer years from the heavy loans it's offered.
The best solution may be sharing the scientific and management experiences. Sometimes the poor country suffers the lack of technology and management skills to protect and manipulate its natural resources and environment and consequently faces more complicated problems. If rich countries support the poor country by sending experts and technology to domesticate the natural resources the problem can be handled.

For the above-mentioned reasons the proper international aid to is not necessarily injecting money to poor countries but supporting them to come over the unpredictable crisis they face and guide them in their path to progress.

The efficient policy prohibits poor nations to loose their independency and control, and helps them to persevere and flourish.
behieli   
Apr 4, 2016
Book Reports / SUMMARY and RESPONSE to "Story of an hour" by Kate Chopin [2]

Dear Xutong
First of all, you told the story in understanding way but, maybe you could shorten it more.

Also some suggestions :

But as the story goes on, we start to doubt if it's a psychological ... . But as the story goes on, we start to doubt if it's a psychological problem or the result of all that suppressed feelings she has kept for years.

The reason that she felt so physically exhausted was probably ... .... the reason of all her physical exhaustion probably was her pretending (or make-believe) behavior.

the lost of a loved one...the loss of loved one

She died of not the joy that her husband's being alive brought her ,....she didn't die of the joy of finding her husband alive but knowing that......

In fact, the moment when she husband just walked in through the door... . ...In fact, the moment her husband walked in through the door, the new self she had discovered, died.

There was no information gave as in the .....no information was given in the story about her past, about the real nature of their relationship.
behieli   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The differences between rich and poor [3]

Dear LaPolo

Over last decades, the difference between rich and poor create ...Over last decades, a huge gap has been created between poor and rich and it is widening.

As such, some people claimed that the predominant ... The predominant cause of this phenomena is materialization of the world and .....(it needs to be explained with more details)

Nonetheless, in my personal view, I believe that the best ... in your view if poor children have access to education the gap between poor and rich will be removed?! how you came to this conclusion? the free education could be one of resolutions but just one of them. However, you started with NONETHELESS so it means you disagree with previous sentence.

In general I think you may think more reasonably about the topic. to be honest, I felt confused reading your essay. maybe it is because that you started with the GAP BETWEEN POOR AND RICH but then you stuck to EDUCATION.

The good thing is you have a good level of vocabulary. just try to use them in more arranged and logical way.

behieli   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Shining stars in the dark skies" Should money be spent on space exploration? [7]

Dear @Ester Napitupulu, @Adrian21 and @Juan Sebastian R I read your kind and precious comments and learned a lot. I'll consider your suggestions on rewriting my article.

However, I still prefer my own sentence-making on some of them. sometimes I learn some phrases from documents and movies and save them to use in future. :) for example I borrowed the sentence:have been haunted men's minds for thousands of years. from National Geography series so I'm sure it is right!

anyway this forum have the great advantage of being connected with you guys in learning english.

thanks a lot.
behieli   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Smoking is Littering - this habit should be limited in public areas. IELTS Taks 2 [3]

the essay is good, though you should pay more attention to the grammatical structure and the flow of the words. I'll mention some sentences I noticed which, with more attention will improve your essay.

It has become debatable for smoking case in the public ...........there is a debate over smoking in public and an increasing number of people are of the belief that smoking has harmful effects on human body.

The habit of consuming the cigarette makes some problems ..........The habit of smoking makes problems for smokers as well as the environment.

in Indonesia, many adult people are risks to get deseas ... .....in Indonesia many adults risk their health every year simply as the result of (or because of) smoking in their youth.

smoking habit can bring some negative impact for......the habit of smoking can impact on......harmfully (or has harmful impact on)

And try to arrange your reasons by numbering themin your mind:
1-the first reason why you agree with banning smoking in public
2-the second reason
3-....
it will help you focus on the flow of your sentences.

hope my suggestions help.
behieli   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Numerous features contribute to production of a movie and among them some plays the key role [2]

In your opinion what factors contribute to a good movie?
feel welcomed to comment and making any suggestions. Thanks.

Numerous features contribute to production of a movie and among them some plays key role to make it a successful one. In this essay we will look at the most principal elements of a good movie.

First of all a movie is shaped based on a story. Story or what it is called in movie production, plot, provides a structure on which other elements are arranged. As a famous director once said if you give a fantastic story to a bad director the result will be an ordinary movie, but even the most skilled director cannot turn a bad story to a good movie; just a miserable one. Classically plot is formed of the obstacles the main character encounters and endeavors he or she makes to find a resolution usually simultaneously gaining spiritual development too. In this way audience empathize with the character and consequently follow the story to the climax and discovering the fate of the hero.

Modern movies may follow a different pattern. However, even the most absurd movies should talk about their own era's issues to capture the imagination of the audience.

Second most important feature a good movie should benefit from is a creative director. Director is the one who decides how to utilize different elements, arrange sequences and frames to narrate the story in specific way. The director possesses managing skills to govern a wide range crew members and to compel them to do their responsibilities at the arranged time.

An inappropriate or uncreative director spoils considered budget for production of a movie and fails the expectations of audience with an unsatisfactory inartistic result.
The selection of actors and actresses is the third most important decision to be made to hand a memorable outcome.
Only talented and gifted actors and actresses are capable of making a character believable and win the empathy of the audience.
Unnecessary to mention, attractive celebrities have an excessive role to succeed a movie in box-office. Nonetheless, history of film production has been witnessed countless examples of unvalued movies, which benefited the presence of the most eye-catching celebrities.

According to the elements mentioned, the success of a movie depends to key features such as valuable story, bright director and keen actors. However, in some genres such as historical movies elements including costume design can turn the result to grand and significant production. In addition, outstanding example comes to mind while considering the role of technology to make a movie prosperous. the most recent example is Mad Max movie or terrific examples in animation production.
behieli   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Shining stars in the dark skies" Should money be spent on space exploration? [7]

I'm preparing for IELTS writing test. Any comment and correction note is highly appreciated.

Shining stars in the dark skies have been haunted men's minds for thousands of years. Meticulous observations and mathematical calculations were made by astronomers from their observatories to trace the stars and measure the distance between them to discover the effects of celestial bodies on the callendar. However, it was only in the modern age that technological progress made it possible to penetrate the areas that had been remaining obscure for years. Still, due to its expensive price, the necessity of space exploration is debated. This essay will discuss whether or not countries should invest on space exploration.

Firstly, space exploration has accelerated the progress of science by providing new research grounds, from meteorology to topology. The information's gathered and transited by satellites every seconds have changed our lives profoundly. Special pictures presented the humankind a whole new perception of himself, as a part of infinite universe. For these benefits it provides, world should make a worthwhile contribution for space exploration progress.

Nevertheless, governments have to invest astronomical amounts of money on space exploration, while they ignore more important issues they face here on earth. The critical issues like international poverty or environmental pollution can be handled with far less expenses than those spent on space exploration.

Secondly, with the ever-increasing population of earth and its finite natural resources the idea of dwelling in other planets no longer seems far-fetched. Even some scientists like DR. Hawking argue that it is the only solution for the ever-increasing pollution of our natural environment, which will lead to extinction of all species in distant future.

Thus, we can't stop science of its progress but it can be wisely programmed.
The investigation on space exploration is an inevitable issue which governments should handle with realistic plans to not underestimate other social and economical problems people face here on earth.
behieli   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Discuss task 2 IELTS: technology like e-books will be disappear printed media like books, newspapers [2]

It is an interesting topic and I noticed that you tried to provide reasons to compare the e-books and real books from several aspects and this empowers your essay. Yet, it suffers from some grammatical and phrasal mistakes. here are just some and my suggestion for correcting them. ( surely there may be better choices ) :

several human consider....you may simply write ("some" or "many believe")
other people contrast ... others oppose this opinion
The modern era emerge technology as the part science ...I didn't get the meaning!
There is shows about the fast for finding material from e-book with the tools search....it may help to rewrite it in a simple form and pay attention with the verbs!

grade students, most preferred e-book...graduated students...
without visit the library....without visiting

your piece needs more revision and correction.

good luck!
behieli   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The Real Reason for Teenage Crime [3]

I think for writing a good essay you should concentrate on understanding the topic and giving reasonable explanation to support your point. assembling some scientific data would not necessarily lead to an understandable piece of writing. The question you are challenged with is whether or not the epidemic violence among youngsters is the result of lack of education they received from their parents. however, in your essay you've focused on parental attachment and its effects on children behavior.

by the way, there are word in your piece with no meaning: delincuency, decuce, perpetrantion??
I guess you meant "on the other hand" wherever you've used : "in turn"
it may be helpful to rewrite the essay with your personal understanding of the topic. I'm sure it will improve by far.
good luck!
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