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Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 442  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 449 / page 5 of 12
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Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"; Community Problem Solving [7]

My team and I helped 32 people remain solvent, something that many high school students cannot say they did.

True but arrogant.

Stunning introduction but weaker conclusion. The surgeon thing comes so suddenly. I would say something that leads up to it or just take it out. A lot of the things that you say CMPS has taught you is not exemplified in your narrative. Perhaps you should focus on one thing like how CMPS taught you that your work can provide life changing results for deprived families instead of listing off everything that you've learned.

My familiarity with volunteering and the skills that community problem solving has taught me will benefit myself and the UF campus.

Community problem solving? You only solve problems in your narrative by gathering money.

And like problem solving, I feel that I will succeed in college and reach my goal of becoming a surgeon.

Like I said, this is too sudden.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

The doctors did not heal me, and it definitely was not any medication they put me on. It was the power of God that healed me.

Hmmm...I'm curious. Did the doctors tell you what your problem was called? Did they put you on medication? If they did, how are you sure that it was not the medication that healed you? I would leave God out of it. Not that I'm against your religion or anything. It's just that it seems a little randomly assertive. If that makes any sense. Again, just curious.

I am now able to encourage others through the worst times and understand at least a little bit of what they are going through.

I'm guessing that "the worst of times" will mostly be emotionally related. How will you be able to understand them through your physical infliction experience?

Most importantly, it showed that even through hard times, I am able to manage my time while keeping good enough grades to be in the top five percent of my class.

This is not a concluding sentence.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

wow ok so now that the anxiety of getting liebe's comment is out, i must say im glad for it.

Haha Liebe. This person has 3 posts on this forum and he already anticipates your infamous feedback. Impressive.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay [10]

Since I was younger, I had a great art teacher.

I think that you mean to say "ever since I was a young child..."

I can remember when I saw one of her pieces, which was a hand, and I was so amazed by all the detail and how realistic it looked. Ever since, I have been motivated to be as good of an artist as she was, or even a better one.

I'm curious. Was this your first exposure to such a realistic piece of art?

But something changed, I got pregnant at sixteen...

You could expand on this a little more. Make it a little more dramatic. What challenges did your pregnancy bring to you? Let the reader know the full difficulty of your situation.

You should talk about how you would be a good addition to their school.

Come to think of it, your pregnancy without expansion really has nothing to do with the topic. First you talk about how you became interested in art. This is fine. Then you throw in a pregnancy that seemingly shows your perseverence but is never really clear in its relation to the rest of your essay. Did your pregnancy dampen your dream to study art? How did you overcome it? Did you come out of that experience stronger?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]

Each student on the team was brilliant, but had a distinctive thought process. Having a thousand students who think exactly the same does not even begin to compare to just five students with completely different ways of thinking. I have a unique reasoning that will contribute to the diversity of University of Michigan.

The last sentence is neither backed up nor does it flow with the conclusion.

My hand shakes as I grip the buzzer.
The moderator asks: "In Erwin Schrodinger's model of the atom, what did he replace electrons with?"
As I try and recollect information from my physics class, I hear a buzz. I glance to my left and see my teammate's box light up. "De Broglie Waves" he says. It's correct and we are given a bonus group question. This question rings a bell, but I am uncertain. After discussing it with my teammates we arrive at a final answer. We get the extra point, which ends the round.

This experience fills up half of your essay but has nothing to do with the question at hand. It does not lead up to your attempt at answering the question either in your second paragraph.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 22, 2009
Writing Feedback / Do you believe that change is a "good and necessary" thing? [5]

With my mediocre SAT grading I would rate this essay a solid 4. You have some glaring grammatical errors but your structure remains consistant throughout. You have a clear stand.

Normally graders will give you a 3 or a 4 because of a stable structure and a few grammatical errors. Your arguments are pretty plain. If you get a score of 8 out of 12 on the essay your overall writing score should be fine.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

I think that its admirable that you knew your career from such a young age, but I think that it's also somewhat unbelieveable that you weren't swayed away by other career options. If you were, then explain those, and explain how overcoming those options helped you decide and confirm on becoming a heart surgeon.

^I disagree. The author only needs to include specific reasons as to why he or she wants to provide the type of help that doctors give. Maybe the author was swayed by other options but the reader will know that becoming a doctor is the author's true aspiration anyway. You don't have to "overcome" different career options, you only have to find one that is more suitable than the rest. Giving a list of would be careers and then stating why each one is worse than becoming a doctor does nothing for the essay.

You may also want to discuss exactly what makes you want to be a doctor. "Helping people", although true, is kind of sappy.

Helping people is not sappy. The author only has to narrow this down so that readers can tell why the author wants to help people as a doctor rather than a garbage man for example.

If you weren't swayed, then talk about how everything you've done in high school, all your classes, your extra curriculars-- how everything fit into this perfect mold of what's needed to be a doctor. You may also want to discuss exactly what makes you want to be a doctor.

The author does not need to have these classroom/extracurricular event experiences to prove his compatability.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "When there's a will, there a way." - Common App Essay [5]

Its about 560 words, maybe too short compared to the others I've been reading on EssayForum, but I read the essay should stay between 500-600 words on multiple sites.

500-600 is good. Anything over that is either a great essay that needs more room or a boring essay that goes on and on. Your length is fine. Do not add things just so that your essay can be longer.

I like the introduction. You got a little arrogant when describing other cars though. Your third paragraph comes abruptly, it is also the least effective as written.

I find that the effect that your project had on you is not very profound. Honors to AP for one class? Like you said, you were already taking 4 AP's. You already had enough determination to take the other 4 AP's. All the project did was add another AP. I do not feel the amount of determination it took for your decision to switch into AP.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]

I completely understand what you mean. But I am a little lost, because if you think about it, this is supposed to be a personal statement; that's how I tried to write it. I know what you mean by adding more info about my friend, but HOW would that relate to the person I am?

I feel that you can fix your arrogant tone by telling us what your friend meant to you. Tell us what you thought you would lose if your friend was not going to be okay.

Right now I get the feeling that your friend is an object of your compassion, not a peer. You spend the whole time talking about everything that you did for him. Who is he to deserve your warmth? Treat him like an equal.

You're obviously not going to add info about your friend that is just random.
Saving your friend was like preserving a piece of yourself wasn't it? By developing your friend the reader will know that it is not a rat or a hamster that you are saving.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

The burden between my history teacher and I continued to develop as the presidential election progressed.

I would say that the tension continued to develope.

The majorities of students don't have even a basic understanding of politics or the current issues, and can be easily persuaded.

Arrogant. How can you assume this? Even if this was fact why wouldn't they be just as easily be persuaded into the democratic side?

Standing up for myself helped define who I am, and made me grow as an individual. I left my history class not only with an open mind, but I learned so much from the experience that I joined my high school debate team as well.

Random conclusion. Debate is not entirely about politics. I am confused. How does learning a lot about republicans from your teacher prompt you to join the debate team?

The next day I showed her Obama's economic rescue plan, and her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource.

You need to make it clear to the reader that Obama's economic plan is not to print off more money like your teacher assumes. Maybe CNN is bias on some topics. Why was your teacher wrong?

If I had mistaken her as biased before, it was definitely clear now.

Your teacher is not bias just because she has her own views in politics. If she sat with your democrats would you say that she is bias?

My heart was pounding fiercely, my stomach dropped; I had stepped out ...

The transition to this paragraph is extremely confusing to me.

Anything I was unsure about I simply looked it up online and brought back what I learned to class the next day.

,which is then promptly denied by your teacher as was CNN.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Admission essay - Grandfather [7]

You need a complete remodel of your essay to fit yourself into it. Your conclusion is not enough.
The only thing you got out of this was that you discovered hope. This is confusing. What kind of hope did you discover?

"Talk about someone significant to your life."
This essay does nothing to answer the prompt. Your life has not been effected by your grandfather in this essay. A significant person must bring about change or provide guidance. You do not change in this essay. Your actions and thoughts are not guided by your grandfather.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]

By attending Bowdoin, I will be dedicated to participate in academic conversation inside and outside of the classroom, and get to know my fellow students and teachers on a more personal basis.

Your essay does not back this.

I offer Bowdoin not only insight on world culture

You mean Italian culture?

but an understanding of how art in the early 15th century still strongly connects to themes in modern day.

And that contributes to the school because?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]

Throughout the time spent there, my days were filled with insightful advice, constructive criticism, discussions on art and Italian history, but most importantly, fun. A bond was built over common interests, and laughs only made each day more memorable

This? I see. It was a little unclear to me.

I think that your essay is quite good actually. I just had some questions.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Implementing Liebes suggestions should take more than 6 minutes. Of course you could choose not to take the advice, forcing us to give you the same feedback.

You did not take my feedback into account much either.

Through her unintentional influence, I learned to speak up and to realize that even though I can't know everything, I can teach myself.

This statements leads the reader away from what seems to be your real point.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Interaction with one another, University of Miami essay [6]

Interaction with one another influences oneself in many ways, though it takes someone special to really alter your judgment. Not to get confused with the average person, this significant person's presence makes you want to do your best. Eric. Two years ago, this name wouldn't have meant anything to me. Yet now it holds true to my spirit. I first met Eric on my first day of work ever, lifeguarding. Being a senior lifeguard holds many responsibilities, and being one of three lifeguards, he always had our best interest. Having more years of experience lifeguarding then me, heEric has been through a lot at relatively such a young age, 26 . I am not surprised of this due to the fact that he's a firefighter in Davie.On the fortunate dayswW hen I have break with him, he usually tells tales ofme about his adventures. Sitting there like a schoolboy listening to his mentor, I watch and learn from his experience. Yet theses stories are not for the faint of heart.

Wait ok I regret that I did not read your essay before trying to fix it because it has more important content errors.

He told me something that I will never forget. Sometimes you have to laugh at things to get over them, if not your not going to get over it. I never knew that one statement could have such an impact on my life.

It impacted your life? How? Nothing in your essay shows how this applies to you so Eric's statement should have no profound effect on you whatsoever. I may be wrong. I think I have a different view on this than other forum members. I feel like these deep lessons that you learn have to directly apply to your life in order to be truly influential.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Appearance and society values--An GRE issue [9]

For example, women in Iran should shelter their face from being seen by others, which reflects the society's belief and thoughts about women's rights.

This doesn't really reveal anything about the attitudes and interests of Iranian women.

Some of them may like wearing sports costumes ,while others enjoy putting on formal clothes; some like smoking cigarette, while others indulge themselves in natural and fresh air; some are busy climbing mountains, while others traveling on the sea. This reveals the society's tolerance to diversity of existence and people's freedom of pursuing their own life style.

I am confused by this. What is this supposed to prove?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Admission essay - Grandfather [7]

The only thing needed, content-wise, is to perhaps add an anecdote showing how the writer puts this hope or this dedication to others into practice.

I misspoke. This is exactly the thing that you are missing in your essay. Forgive my confusing attempt at directing you haha...
Llamapoop123   
Aug 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "I eat fish" common app + uc app essay [8]

The quick turn from crying bitter tears to basking in frowns and stares is a little abrupt for me. It is the word basking that is throwing me off. It conveys too much pleasure.

^Yes. I feel like this is the main problem in your essay. There is no event that brings you to your realization that your culture is great despite what others may think.

I was born in America, I speak English, but through and through I am Korean. My love for sushi was instilled in me by my parents, and through this love I truly felt my Asian roots.

^You try to use this as a transition but it does not explain how you overcame discrimination.

I havn't seen an essay like this in a long time. I read an exellent one about cheese awhile ago...

Anyway, good essay.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

Dinner was usually potatoes and tuna with maybe beans on Friday

Perhaps I am deprived but potatoes, tuna, and beans sounds delicious as well as nutritious.

PS: can the essay be too long?

Your essay is more than 1400 words long. I am frightened.

You don't have to mention your mother not being there for you separately. You can just simply state that your sister was replacement for your constantly busy mother. You can actually just take out your mother out from this essay.

I tried to explain to her how I wanted to be like Professor X because when Jean needed help with controlling Phoenix within her she went to him, and when Wolverine needed help with his past he went to Professor X who also helped him.

Again, professor x doesn't help people like a doctor does. If cartoon characters like Jean and Wolverine do not go to doctors for help, especially since Wolverine is basically immortal.

I truely believe that this paragraph is unnecessary because it is just making everything so much more complicated and annoying to read. I told you that as long as you can justify your resolve you become a doctor you do not need to use this.

You can condense this paragraph also. Your experience with your teacher really does nothing to you. The class laughs at you, the teacher doesn't understand you, and you come out of it without any reaction. After the ordeal, you look up types of doctors, which seems to have nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph.

Back then most of the students wanted to be famous like P Diddy or Shaq, whereas I just wanted to be a doctor like the ones on the commercials happily helping the injured; When kids in my class knew all the new and "in" dance moves and song lyrics, I knew the precise moment to snap my fingers and sing along to the Addams family theme song; When parents didn't allow kids to go out they would lie or sneak out to hang with friends, while I would stay at home with my sister talking or trying to figure out the big words in stories I didn't understand.

This has got to be the longest sentence I have ever seen.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Money or Health [10]

Perhaps you could be more helpful by pointing such errors out since the author already acknowledges the presence of these mistakes.

Ever since the invention and advent of the item money from thousand years ago.

Back in the day people used to trade things. I would say that civilization at that time was already "churned".

Nowaday, with ultra sophisticate of the infrustucture in the field of medicine has cured thousand of disease helping hundreds of people from the gate of death. Although it is a good news for us but when we come across the question"How much then we start thinking". Money or Health which one would you choose for?

It is difficult for me to understand what you are trying to say here.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to the University of Central Florida. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me.

It shows that UCF is a place of open arms and a place where everyone will feel welcomed.redundant

I thought to myself, "Who is in charge of hiring these people? What can I do to contribute to the betterment of how a medical facility is run?"This is a little arrogant. You may question the organization of the facility but not its employees. Employees are human beings. You cannot assume that they are consciously ignoring your grandfather because they are lazy. They obviously delivered his food.

I would make it my duty to choose a staff of people who possess the best qualities and who can prove that they are committed to treating people with compassion, no matter what their situation may be.I don't understand what you mean by "no matter what their situation may be" but if your employee's child dies in a car crash I wouldn't expect them to be gentle and compassionate the next day. Would you fire them in that case?

I do not sense your compassionate qualities in this essay. I would think that someone who is critical of others should first check themselves. It sounds like you want to be an administrator because you want to hire nice people. I see a problem with this. Also, I see no connection between your introduction and the rest of your essay.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]

I think that this revision is excellent. However I would like you to include a few sentences that relate to the prompt more.

What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Money or Health [10]

If you know how to fix my essay could you tell me?

It would help if you provided the prompt for this essay.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

Quite the comparison Noto. All of your points are valid. However we have to remember that although people post their essays up for our critisism, they also secretly want us to point out the quality aspects of their writing as well. There's nothing better than an unbias and random person complementing your writing. No matter how many problems there are, lets boost some self-esteem here while we're at it. It's good for the writer.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / help pick my essay topic (applying to art colleges) [10]

a really powerful essay on how much a student wants to attend their school and what they'd do with their education, or a mediocre essay about an awesome month in israel.

Why are you unable to make both essays powerful? If this is really your situation, I would write about Israel. If they want you to write about how you hope to contribute to their school and your area of interest they would ask you.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / help pick my essay topic (applying to art colleges) [10]

Well it is hard for us to make the decision for you if we cannot see the essay. I'm sure that others on this site will try their hardest to give your essay its "punch" haha.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

If there really isn't anything about the essay that is well written or if there isn't any good points then the writer should really start over.

My contributions on this site are not limited to spell checking. Therefore, an advanced machine would be more suitable. I like the concept of advanced, and the machine suggests that I do an efficient job as well.

I knew you would say that ;)

Llamapoop, you are very good at giving feedback. You really know your stuff and take time/care with your responses. I'd really like to see contributor next to your name.

Thank you :D
Although I do have a long way to go. My judgement is flawed a lot of the time. I sometimes go back and read my posts O.o Painful haha.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]

I personally like this essay very much. It is lively, different, and it also answers the prompt well.

However I feel that your first paragraph is a little confusing and...slightly overdoing it. I am a little skeptical of the parallel you try to draw between overcomplecating math and overcomplicating life. That is what your trying to do right? Otherwise this experience has only taught you to look at the whole picture in math.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "the League of Nations after World War 1" -Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [7]

The quote "With great power comes great responsibility" by Stan Lee rang through my head as my AP US History teacher called me and 4 other students to be that weeks moderators for our socratic seminar.

^Spell out the number four.

Being the moderator is usually the dread of students as you almost have to write shorthand to get everything you need to write down written.

Many students dread becoming moderators due to the amount of notes that have to be taken.

Your first paragraph is a little...weird. I am not a big fan of the quote since it has become overused. It isn't really explained in your essay either.

I became responsible for a entire nation and with that, the fate of the world in my hands and a experience that was one of the most intellectually engaging moments of my life.

I feel that your hyperbole does nothing to spice up your introduction. After reading the rest of your essay I see what you are trying to do with this. It is interesting.

The class was divided into 4 different sides, the Realist, the Wilson Idealists, the Isolationists, and the European Imperialists each trying to convince the 5 League of nN ations members to follow theretheir own political philosophy, and if they did, theretheir reward would be a free homework pass.

Certainly this seminar was supposed to teach me something about the League of nations or something like that, but in fact turned out to be a much more rewarding experience.

This sentence is too casual. You leave me confused as to how it turned out to be more rewarding than intended. Is it because you found out that leaders use their power for selfish reasons? Is it because you found out that leaders work hard on domestic and international problems?

As the seminar unraveled in that short hour, I learned more about how leaders have to unravel peoples own personal agendas and make critical decisions off that information than any textbook or TV show could ever show.

You use "unravel" twice. This sentence confuses me.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Who has made you who you are today (my uncle) [6]

I have stumbled across many special people in my life. For the most part, my parents particularly special and significant,

^This is unnecessary.

Without him life would not be the same.

^Not necessary

His ethics and values taught me how to be a person and a lady, everyday from school he always asks me; "what homework I have," "how was my day," "how was school," and keep me on my toes.

^For some reason I think that this is normal for a gaurdian.

I read the rest of your essay and it doesn't appeal to me. It sounds like your uncles influence on you is average. If this is true, I recommend that you do not write your essay about him. If this is false, you should emphasize your uncles influence on you with something other than empty statements. Almost all of the sentences in your essay are empty.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Major in economics - NYU supplement essay [6]

In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.

This question is pure awesome. Wongfu Productions popped up in my mind (they make excellent and emotional short films). You should play around with timeline. Where in your life do you want to start? You could start in your future and flashback to your teenage years. This will hopefully be fun for you. Will there be a profound moral?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / 'Everyone was burned to crisp' - "Jacob" - grammar for my Essay? [4]

He ran to his room and slammed the door shut... his nana came bolting through the door like a bull charging at a piece of red cloth. They argued for 10 minutes until his nana found some words of wisdom to persuade him to go back to school.

This part is confusing to me. You should state that Jacob insisted on quitting school first. Otherwise, there is no explaination as to why nana is arguing with him.

Everyone was burned to crisp nana, popi, Elie Martha and Olek.

I don't really like this...description.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]

My lust for knowledge is unquenchable;so much so it has a name, and it is programming.So unquenchable that it has a name? What? I don't understand.

Some may find my choice of words to be bold, but once you know my intentions even those words become too minuscule to describe how I truly feel about what I love. "Vires," and "Artes," is what embodies both the spirit of FSU and myself. My rationality is my strength, and from it I draw my intellect; my ambition and initiative is what put me at the forefront of my field within my own social circles.Huh?

My "Vires" rooted out of my desire, and it drives me to the pursuit of knowledge like programmers to their cubicles.Vires drives programmers into cubicles? Since I was a toddler, adults have asked me one reoccurring question in my life; the question being:"What do you want to be when you grow up?"As a toddler, most kids responses came from figures of respect (firemen,astronauts,etc.), but that was never the case with me. I grew up in a rapidly changing world of technology where even video games were new, but from those games came the seed of my ambition.I think that most people around you grew up in the same environment...From my strength stemmed my "Artes."Artes doesn't stem from strength. Artes is strength. I was not satisfied with the answer people were giving me about computers. This drove me to research and pursue this particular craft. Back then very few people knew what made computers tick, and yet I questioned everything.Not many people know now either. It was not until I entered middle school were any of my concerns put to rest, when a friends parent whose career was in programming enlightened me. I cannot remember that exact day in middle school but that was when my ambiguous hobby turned into my newfound lifestyle.Newfound lifestyle? What? How?

Since then my knowledge has blossomed, but without FSU my lifestyle will never see the fruition of its work.RewordI have had only myself to teach,learn, and practice from.You said you learned from your friends dad.In that there was the philosophies FSU and I share.???I'm positive that your career professionals will answer all my questions and help me further my knowledge into the life I dream one day it will be.Try simplifying your sentences so that they make more sense.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions? [11]

I have always been a fan of this essay. I think in the introduction you should state how Scotts death effected you in such a negative way. That way this sentence:

Later, I realized that this was the first step in creating a vision for my future, persevering in spite of Scott's death.

will make more sense.

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