Writing Feedback / Find out the peripheral vision in sport [3]

Hi pha-pha,

It is my suggestion for your nice summary:

Sometime weWe sometimes simply tolerate thea blur. It is important to pay attention to ...
Athletes, for example, must be keenly aware of what isare happening all around them.
... not only depends on physic, but also visual training ability.

On the other hand, thean environment also contributes to ...
It is that caches the athlete's attention ...
As the result, the eyes move in and out ...

Writing Feedback / "Comparison underground railway systems in 6 major cities." [2]

The data given in the table compares the underground railway systems in 6 major cities.

Overall, as can be seen, London, Paris, and Tokyo are(...) which serve many moremassive commuters than the later ones including WhshingtonWashington DC, Kyoto and Los Angeles.

... It serves almost doubly --> (the word "doubly" doesn't seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one) the quantity of ...

... Tokyo underground is used by 1927??? commuters per year,...

... shortest railway among 6 cities with the only 11km, compared to (...) in the fifth place, Itit serves nearly as many ...

Writing Feedback / Most Americans Think Burgers Are Healthy [3]

It is my suggestion:

... Americans who had ordered a tasty burgertasty burgers instead of healthful ...
As much as 62 percent frompercent of the respondents (...) choose fatty burger than the fresh sandwich, while ...
... because they think the burger is not only a (...) such as protein, iron, and vitamin B12.
... fatty meat, sugary ketchup, and refined grain buns.
... contained in the burger instead of the healthy sandwich.

Regards

Writing Feedback / "Reasons for study" four out of five people under 26 take part in courses because of job opportunity [3]

The first bar graph illustrates the percentage of students in different age groups , who study for career or interest, while the second one compares the support received from their employer --> employers . What stands out from the charts is that a majority of young people study because of their career. On the other hand, they generally receive more support from their companies.

-->> give a space

As can be seen, four out of five people under 26 take part in courses because of job opportunity, compared to only 10% for passion. Similarly, Almost -->almost 70% students between 26 and 29 admit they study for career rather than interest. As regards the age group of 30-39, twice as many as participants in the survey said their studying motivation mostly related to their career than preference. An interesting point is that the proportion of student studying for career as many as that for interest, at 50%. If we look at the age group over 49, It follows a considerable different trend, with nearly a quarter of the respondents said they prefer studying because of hobby than work.

--> > give a space

In terms of working hour and financial aid, top of the list were students under 26, with 60% have the supports from their employers. The age group of 26-29, over 49, and 40s come next, at 48%, 40%, and 32% respectively. Last on the list is people between 30 and 39, who do not receive as much as support from their employers than the others, at only 30%

Writing Feedback / Poverty Among Seniors has dropped - Summary Article from Times [3]

It is my suggestion for your summary article

... a historical moment since the U.S --> United State (U.S.) financial crisis and Great --> great recession.

... was decreased considerably from 14.8% to 13.5 --> 14.8 to 13.5 percent , which indicated the increasing in ...

... by several factors, for instance, health care --> healthcare cost data, work expenses ...

Regards

Writing Feedback / Modern technology and its global impact on human. Writing body paragraph. [2]

... about modern technology today is pollution, since vehicles and major ...
... with vehicles and factories hashave contributed to 60%percent of its nation pollution.
... this condition might greatly havehas an enormous impact ...

*****

... notion that mentioned the drawbacks are also likely to occur.
... number of technologies nowadays still relyrelies on fossil fuel energy.
... the actual of socializing, and social isolation becomes ...
... latest technology is harmful is when it comes to the youth.
... for instance they hashave accessed through the internet and television which are ...
... modern technologies has brought the humanpeople race into.

Writing Feedback / 'only a few companies could stick out over 5 years' - WHAT MAKES SMALL BUSINESS SUCCESSFUL ? [6]

... but less than 50%percentwhowhich survive until the second year. AndHowever, only a fewer companies could stick out over 5five years.
bB ut if the company has a ...
... excellence customer service and better location are the couple (...) project the cash flow and etc.

Writing Feedback / Parents are imperative to teach their children - even more than the professional teachers [3]

From that stand point --> standpoint , I totally agree that ...

Although some people believe that stake holder --> stakeholders in the school can do ...
... one for developing people's capability --> capacity .

Writing Feedback / Summary : The World English Mania [3]

Jay Walker on Ted.com

... idea to get a ball in the net, religius --> religious mania that are wiping and vision.

... world are trying to learn english --> English.
Chinese student start to learning english --> English in the third grade. Then China would become the largest english --> English speaker. So why do they learn english --> English?

They believe that by learning english --> English they have the opportunity to ...
... take a big test on 3 fulldays --> whole days.
The way they learn about english --> English is almost unimaginable.
... should know about english --> English is America isn't pushing ...

Writing Feedback / Both parents and school should obligate to keep the children fit. [3]

@hailun11,

This my suggestion:

Nowadays --> "Nowadays" is an ancient vocabularies, therefore you need to change this word to be"these days"or"this recent decade".

an unhealthy way of life --> unhealthy lifestyle.

has become a highlighted topic for kids --> this sentence is pretty confusing because this motion is not for kids, but it is for adult, teacher or parents.

Writing Feedback / The Roles of Parents and Teachers in Controlling Diet for Children [5]

Hi Hirani03,

I have suggestion to enhance your writing:

This has become a problem that needs to solve by ...

This phenomenon lead children to the dire consequence and it should be overcome by doing the most effective method which is conducted stakeholders who are related to the young generations.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article Children : Leave them Alone [5]

Dear Mr Faridadwi18,

I want to give you some suggestions.

- ... psychologist and writer, andwhile Paula Flass is a social historian.
- Two of themThey ....
- Gopnik wrote in her book, " The Gardener and the Carpenter" and told people that " parent should be like gardeners.....
- Flass also believes .....

Student Talk / Is it necessary to learn English? [38]

I want to provide my opinion:

English is important international language. In my country, Indonesia, English is studied by student since elementary school. It could be provide the basic ability to communicate with international community since early stage. My government regulate it in the national education curriculum.

Regards,

Respati

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hi Tanya!

How do you do?

I am Respati from Java, Indonesia. I am also learning to improve my English skills.
I am happy to be friends with you. I hope we could sharpen our English in this forum.

Best Regards

SWR10