Writing Feedback / A paragraph about Dreams [9]

Why have you written this paragraph? What is its purpose? Is it an assignment? If so, for what class? Were there instructions? What were they? Some background information might make it easier to help you . . .

Undergraduate / 'the harsh reality of my injury' - Michigan Setback Essay [3]

Actually, I rather like the essay. The setback isn't as harsh as some I've read about in these forums, but it meant a lot to you, and you learned something very important from it. You have some solid, specific details in there, too. A couple of minor things:


Don't start out by apologizing for what you are going to write.


Leave out the "harsh" here. It isn't necessary, and as you pointed out, it might seem like hyperbole to some.

Undergraduate / Common App about Calligraphy [3]

Your grammar needs work, but we'll worry about that later. At the moment, you state twice that calligraphy is an important part of your moral life, but you don't explain that at all. It isn't self-evident. I think you would have a very interesting essay if you did explain the connection, but until you do, the essay feels unfinished.

Undergraduate / Big Shoes- Personal Statement [4]

I like this essay. It's personal, detailed, and sounds as if it comes from the heart. You become a bit vague at the end, though. The prompt asks you how your background has shaped your aspirations, so why not say what you aspire to accomplish by studying mathematics?

Essays / Hi I need some thoughts/ideas for an essay, The Myth of Individual Opportunity [7]

You're working backwards. You are trying to come up with a thesis, then trying to think of information you can use to support it. Start by taking plenty of notes on the topic you are researching, then craft a thesis that seems reasonable based on your notes. In other words, figure out what the information will support, and make that your thesis, instead of trying to cram the information into support of random thesis.

This debate usually comes down to whether or not you think people are generally equal in their abilities, attitudes, and values. If you do, then social inequality must be the result of an unfair social system. People like Barrack Obama, who are black and come from lower class backgrounds and still succeed (and I don't know of any position that would be considered more of a pinnacle of success than POTUS) are outliers and exceptions.

If, on the other hand, you believe people are not equal in their natural abilities, their personal disposition, or in the choice of their values, then you will see people such as Obama as proof that the system works, that people with the right abilities, attitude, and values can succeed no matter where they start from.

Like most long standing debates, the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. Clearly, it is possible for people in America to rise to the top even when social conditions are against them, if they are intelligent and hard working. At the same time, it is clearly easier for some to succeed than others. The white son of a wealthy businessman will, all other things being equal, do much better than the black daughter of a prostitute. In other words, it is possible to believe both that America allows a high degree of social mobility and still recognize that opportunities in America are unequal. The two aren't mutually exclusive. It depends on the breadth and depth of the inequality (If the vast majority of people fall into the same range, even if there are extremes populated by a very few at the ends, then most people might still reasonably find the playing field level in most cases), the avenues in place to combat inequality (scholarships, for instance, might allow hard-working, intelligent students from lower-class backgrounds to attend college when the tuition would normally be out of reach), and a host of other factors.

Essays / Literary Topic or theme for my thesis: "slavery" or "prodigal man" [8]

Well, why not start by reading the novel, and writing down what you think the themes are? What do you think the the author is trying to say in the book? The answers you come up with to that question will be your themes. Once you have thought about the themes a bit, you can begin to brainstorm a thesis statement.

Undergraduate / Elaborate on ONE of your activities (common application) (basketball) [14]

The first one is better, though your ending in both versions seems to imply that what you want the reader to know about you is that you savor being dirty and sweaty, not necessarily the main point you want to make in an admissions essay.

Undergraduate / "RABBIT SISTER"--MY PERSONAL STATEMENT [10]

Very good essay content-wise. I don't know about the last two paragraphs, though. They almost seem unnecessary. Ending with your acceptance of the nickname seems stronger.

Undergraduate / 'My boss's head to explode' - Dairy Queen UF essay [5]

I thought it might be something like that, but psychology and neurology are very different fields, so the connection isn't really that strong, at least not as your essay is written at present. Maybe you could even explain that you became interested in neurology because you believe neurology will ultimately subsume psychology, which you also clearly like, or something along those lines.

Undergraduate / "Guys stop it!"; FSU ESSAY; helping and making an impact on others lives [10]

Good essay overall. A few minor things:

"They have instilled in me to try to be helpfulness and empathy ."


Why? And how do you know if you have found such a moment?


The humor here is outweighed by the implication that you have an addictive personality and/or poor impulse control. Nice try, though.

"I want to pursue a career as a teacher, psychologist, or a lawyer,"

Undergraduate / Bambi and George Bush (Common App admissions essay) [6]

I'd be curious to see your revised draft, if you have one.

Writing Feedback / Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay? [7]

Research your topic more, and spend some time reflecting on it. Once you know the material well enough, your problem will be staying under the maximum word count.

Undergraduate / 'My boss's head to explode' - Dairy Queen UF essay [5]

Good essay overall. A couple of things, though. First, why do you want to be a neurologist? Given that you were reference your psych class, I had expected you to say you wanted to be a psychologist. As it is, the choice seems rather arbitrary and disconnected from the rest of the essay. Second, Maretta is right -- you need to talk more about what you would contribute to the university as the result of this experience. This is especially important because you have picked a fairly minor experience to talk about. Doing so makes your essay stand out, and your treatment of the material is certainly good, but you do need to make sure to explicitly state how your ambition will make you a good student, because the experience itself doesn't imply much.

Writing Feedback / low-paying secure job OR high-paying unsecure job? [8]

Your thesis changes at the end. You start out saying that high-paying, high-risk job is better than a low-paying, low-risk job. You end by saying that the two are about equal, or that one is "no better" than the other. Your grammar is also a bit rough. Beyond that, though, you have a clear preference and solid reasons to back it up, which is good.

Essays / 'my first Language is Arabic' - my essay ..about person I admire [4]

First off, capitalize the personal pronoun "I" when you are writing. Second, at least try to use punctuation correctly. Simply separating your thoughts with ellipses isn't a good habit to get into when you know you will not be able to do that on your assignments. Beyond that, reading a lot is probably the single most important thing you can do to improve your writing.

Poetry / Shakespeare's Sonnet #73 Translation [4]

Yes, you are definitely on the right track. I especially like your gloss of the first four lines, which correctly interpret the metaphors, going a bit beyond the simple translation that was asked of you. The rest of translation certainly captures the general sense of the poem, though at points you seem to have gone line-by-line, even when the punctuation in the original would indicate a single thought spread out over two.

For instance:

"In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire that on the ashes of his youth doth lie," although it covers two lines, should be read as one, as there is no comma after the that. Your gloss treats each line as if it were its own clause. Just something for you to think about.

Undergraduate / My Meaningful Experience - UF Admission Essay [3]


Are you saying that your parents have been unable to support you? Okay, just finished reading your essay. Still, not knowing how to cure someone who is sick is not the same as not being able to support your child in general.


If your body were lifeless, you would have been dead. Clearly you are not. Revise.


Oh no, the patient is developing a clear case of triteness! You can see the raised cliches blistering his conclusion. Don't end a strong essay so weakly.

Undergraduate / UT admissions personal essay "alcoholism" [4]


This is a bit harsher than I would have been, but I can understand the comment, and am not surprise your essay provoked it. You seem, by and large, to be indicating that you believe that alcohol use = abuse. Given the experience you seem to have had with your parents, this is perhaps understandable. However, it is not a popular or widely shared view. For instance, you say


Did you know that 73% of statistics are made up? More importantly, do you know that "addiction" is a very vague term that has no agreed upon meaning. There are certainly some people who are clearly addicted to alcohol, but without defining the term, your statistic is meaningless.


This really means "People consider the use of alcohol at levels that *you* consider to be abusive to be fun," which isn't the same thing at all. Some studies indicate up to 90% of Americans drink alcohol on at least semi-regular basis. So, you have a 9 in 10 chance that your reader will drink occasionally, and a better than even chance that he or she likes drinking. Criticizing your readers' habits is not a great way to win their support.

Perhaps you could talk more about the need to fight alcoholism itself, rather than drinking as a social phenomenon?

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Missing Opportunity in Life [5]

Writing about the event as if it happened to you will indeed make it easier for you to craft a moving, compelling narrative. You will still need to use strong verbs and varied sentence structure, though, and time shifts may still be a problem. Also, there is a good chance others will strongly urge you not to claim the story as your own because it is dishonest. I personally don't think it much matters given the intended audience, but you should be aware that some people may take offense at the notion.

Book Reports / Need help with my thesis on the Aeneid [2]


How?

If you can come up with a good answer to that question, your thesis might begin to seem a bit more focused.

Undergraduate / Pomona supplemental essay/Does the essay capture the experience vividly enough [6]

I realize what you meant -- I was just pointing out that this is a usage of the term that only occurs in certain academic circles. Just looking up the word in a regular dictionary is likely to yield a definition that doesn't really fit with your original comment.

In any event, mia7, few people are likely to take offense at your finding a exotic culture exotic, or enjoying the experience of being immersed in a different culture.

Writing Feedback / Personal Definition (AP Composition class) [3]

You talk a bit about yourself at the beginning and end of the essay, but mostly it seems to be about your Dad. You need to explain in more detail how your Dad has inspired and influenced you if you wish to fully follow the instructions you have been given.

Writing Feedback / 'discussion in Indian parliament' Teens have paid jobs during studying? (Toefl) [8]

And try to avoid overgeneraliztions. For instance, to say that teenagers are uniformly immature, drunken, drug-addicted gamblers as if this were true of all teenagers is patently false.

Undergraduate / Not sure if this essay can be used for this prompt so.. let me know! (: [5]

Bear in mind that intelligence, of any kind, is really only the ability to recognize relationships. This may give you a place to start when thinking about how you manifest good intrapersonal intelligence.

Essays / Political Science Essay Question - formulating a thesis [6]


Was it? Or was it to allow people to become homeowners whether they could afford it or not? And how was this injustice (the giving of something unearned) supposed to be in the public good? And wasn't one of the main methods used to achieve this goal the forcing of lending institutions to give out mortgages to people who would normally not qualify for them? And wasn't a high rate of defaults and the eventual crisis that it precipitated predictable enough that the goal was probably ideological rather than pragmatic, i.e. one that didn't really considered what the public good is at all?

Your problem here seems to be that you want to reduce a very complex phenomenon to a single cause -- "it was greed in the kitchen with the knife," or "it was government in the living room with the candlestick." Any such analysis is likely to provoke the sorts of criticisms you have been getting so far. You need to acknowledge the complexity of the situation, and look at how every party involved managed to screw up in some way.

The government, under both Democrats and Republican leadership, pressured banks in making bad loans. Democrats believed that banks not lending to bad credit risks was discriminatory (because minorities were disproportionately affected). Republicans believed that increasing rates of home-ownership would validate the notion of America as a land of opportunity, while allowing the party to shed it cold-hearted image.

The banks, having been forced into folly, compounded the situation by slapping ridiculously high interest rates on the mortgages, essentially squeezing poor people for money they didn't have and making sure that the defaults the rates were supposed to compensate for would in fact happen.

Said poor people didn't let that stop them from taking on the mortgages, though.

And Wall Street got in on the deal by playing financial games that let the mortgages in question be transferred en masse from one institution to another. People were eager to acquire them, because the rate of return was so high thanks to the high interest rates. The risk wasn't recognized, or was overlooked, or was expected to only kick in after someone else had acquired the package.

The tendency now is for people to place most of the blame wherever doing so is most ideologically comfortable. So, if you're a big fan of capitalism, it was the government's fault for interfering in the free markets. If you're a socialist, it was the banks fault for trying to rip off the poor. And so on.

Perhaps you have put the cart before the horse. Mayhap you should do your research first, then come up with a thesis, rather than coming up with a thesis and picking sources that support it.

Undergraduate / "Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic [14]

A very moving story. And it shows that you will be a strong student who will contribute to the university community how, exactly? You need to make sure you answer that question at the end of the essay, or as interesting and well-written as it may otherwise be, it will not be doing what you need it to do.

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

I liked this essay. A couple of things though,


Not quite as bad as "It was a dark and stormy night," but still . . .


Raises the question of "what do you want to study to become?" And "what does your love of animals have to do with your chosen profession?"


This just invites readers to imagine what the two things you rank up there with animal torture are. An amusing game, to be sure, but I don't think you want the admissions officers to associate you with a mental list of horrible acts.

Undergraduate / Anime (My essay to u-m) [15]

Your grammar is rough, and needs polishing. I'll leave that for the members who enjoy that sort of thing. Content-wise, you need to focus more on what you want to accomplish as a CG designer, what makes you think you'll be good at the job, etc. That you are an enthusiastic anime fan. while interesting, is not a strong enough qualification to hang an application essay on.

Undergraduate / Not sure if this essay can be used for this prompt so.. let me know! (: [5]

The essay you link to doesn't work that well. It *could.* Certainly the experience you describe gives you reason to be introspective, and to think about your emotions and motivations, but you don't go into enough depth about either at the moment. You could condense what you have into a introduction to the sort of essay you want to write, though.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

Good essay so far. You might want to tie what you have learned from your experience into what you plan to contribute to the university a bit more explicitly at the end, though.

Writing Feedback / President Bush's September llth Address to the Nation [7]

Hah! The logic works, you must admit. If you believe there is a God, and that He is on your side, then it makes perfect sense to quote scripture to reassure people that the evildoers must inevitably be brought to justice through His divine will. Sure, you could ask why He would allow the attacks to be carried out in the first place, but questioning Him is a big no-no.

Undergraduate / Bambi and George Bush (Common App admissions essay) [6]

Well, given the liberal biases prevalent on most university campuses today, you are probably on fairly safe ground. However, be aware that you cannot be sure what political affiliation the admissions officers who read this might have. Also, even people with liberal sensibilities might find the simplistic sloganeering here signs of shallow thinking rather than maturity. A more nuanced discussion of environmental policy might serve you better.

Undergraduate / "Soccer" - comments/suggestions on common app short answer [8]

You use only short sentences. This is disturbing. It makes you sound unintelligent. That is bad. Try revising.

Writing Feedback / Puerile Prince or Stalwart King: An Analysis of Shakespeare's Henry V [7]

It's been too long since I read the play for me to comment on the interpretation, but your essay makes sense from the quotations you have included. In your second-to-last paragraph, it would be nice if you made it clear from the outset why the Crispin day speech is so important. By the end, I see what you mean -- he says that the troops are all his equals, and proves it by refusing to negotiate a ransom (though this is of course not part of the speech). However, the speech itself can be seen as little more than words until he refuses ransom, so perhaps you might want to say that the speech and battle together prove that he has finally decided to live up to his responsibilities? Just a thought.

Writing Feedback / President Bush's September llth Address to the Nation [7]

Religion rarely, if ever, appeals to reason. I suppose it could be considered an appeal to reason within the Christian framework, but only if you believe he was only speaking to Christians.

In any event, be careful when analyzing Bush's religious references. As Simone's comments indicate, many people saw them as framing the upcoming conflicts as holy wars, and not just the fanatics on the other side. Before going there, though, you should ask yourself whether or not you think Bush would have included the same references if the attacks had been carried out by non-religious terror groups.

Essays / How to approach essays such as, "Why do you want to attend this university?" [6]

In such as a way as to show I know about the university, of course. So ask yourself, why did I apply to that university instead of any of the others? If the answer is, "because it is close to where I live and I think I can get in," ask yourself why someone else might have applied there, even if they lived far away and had plenty of options.

Essays / I need ideas for a informative paper (+visuals)! [6]

Why not write about how to perform heart surgery? Or about the dangers of turning personality traits into medical diagnoses, as often happens with ADHD (kids aren't supposed to find sitting in school staring at a black board natural). Or about the health effects of living in space for prolonged periods. Really, you can write about anything at all, if the only purpose is to inform. So pick something that interests you.

Poetry / "Gone, Gone Again" by Edward Thomas [3]

You seem to be on the right track. Why not post the full draft? That would make it much easier to help you.

Writing Feedback / GOOD AND BAD OF MULTICULTURL SOCIETY. DISCUSS [4]

Lol, I see you have discovered that some topics are, um, more sensitive than you thought. You are right to point out that one of multiculturalism's flaws is that it is at least partly self-contradictory, in that the cultures it wishes to tolerate or even embrace rarely have such tolerance built into them themselves. Immigrants may indeed settle in ethnic enclaves, with like being drawn to like. They may also persist in trying to practice traditions that multiculturalists would rather not see practiced.

Your problem, I think, is that you tar entire ethnic groups with the same brush. It is probably true that *some* Chinese immigrants prefer not to socialize outside of Chinese-American communities. However, quite clearly many Chinese immigrants have no problem with this, and indeed do their best to adopt American culture, and have kids who view themselves simply as "American" without any qualifiers before it. Likewise while a higher proportion of university professors may be British rather than African, and while a higher proportion of laborers may be African rather than British, it is clearly possible to have African professors and British laborers. It is one thing to point out trends, quite another to use them to come to generalizations that are little more than stereotypes.

Undergraduate / Pomona supplemental essay/Does the essay capture the experience vividly enough [6]

Wow! I wouldn't have read this as a particularly ideological essay. You went to Japan. You enjoyed yourself and appreciated experiencing a new culture. This seems like a reasonable incident to talk about in an application essay. Also, Simone's advice, while normally excellent, I fear will lead you astray in this instance. Looking up "Orientalism" will tell you that it is:

"the character or characteristics of the Oriental peoples.
the knowledge and study of Oriental languages, literature,"

You will be hard pressed to figure out why this should make someone cringe, or be considered a negative. Simone is referring to a particular usage of the term as it crops up in literary criticism. If you were already aware of that usage, you likely would already have got your undergrad. So, I wouldn't worry about it.