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Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 433  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 440 / page 10 of 11
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Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Girl Scout leaders" - university of florida addmision essay. [5]

From that experience I learned that you have to do whatever you can to help people, I learned to put everything I have towards a cause because in the end it will really pay off. Plus I showed myself how great of a leader I can be, and I know at UF I can put my skills to work, and learn how to be the best person I can be there.

This is the only part that answers the question. The rest of the story is a little drawn out. You also write in a casual tone in some sentences.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

Awkward structure.

Now you're probably wondering what was my gold award .

You should organize your essay so that you don't jump around like this.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay #1/Skating [6]

Of course that was my dream as a little girl, but I recognized that I would never quite make it to the top.

Maybe you will. Besides, you're trying to convey that you are not the average skater. Your determination should carry you to the top. What better way to show your determination than persevering to the top?

When I pass this test I will be a "double gold" skater and qualified to step on the ice with Olympians like Michelle Kwan and Shizuka Arakawa.

Michelle Kwan is no longer pursuing a skating career btw.

From skating I learned that with hard work, self-discipline, perseverance, and dedication I could do anything.

Anything?

This essay is good. It answers the topic at hand very well but I can't help but feel that your lesson is nothing special. Your essay flows well and kept me reading until the very end.

Good job.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / My dream of studying and helping aqautic animals - UC Essay #1 [16]

The bell finally rang at twelve thirty and I pulled my map out heading for what would soon become my safe haven.

Don't need this.

A polar bear, a grizzly bear, geckos, and salamanders were what I encountered upon entering Mr. Furrer's classroom with my mind in utter amazement. I could not fathom that such a fascinating room could actually exist outside of a museum; I knew I had to be a part of this amazing class in any way possible.

This is unnecessary.

Since becoming a part of the program, my perception of school has completely changed. (...) teenagers need to be exposed to as many different situations as they can so they are able to grow and mature and that simply does not happen if they constantly have their heads stuck in books studying.

This whole thing can be omitted because it has nothing to do with your point which is how the united anglers fueled your desire to become a marine biologist.

Beads of sweat raced down my palms as I approached Casa Grande High School for the very first time at the ripe age of thirteen. (...) so I quickly became lost; the school was divided into several buildings.

This can be shortened.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / My dream of studying and helping aqautic animals - UC Essay #1 [16]

I was extremely anxious throughout my morning classes and could not wait to see Mr. Furrer again and ask him the millions of questions that were swimming around in my head.

I don't understand where these questions come from.

And there were polar and grizzly bears in his classroom? I would think that these are models correct? If so, you should make that clear.

I believed that grades were all that mattered in order to get into a good school because that was what I was taught, however the United Anglers program presented me with an entirely different viewpoint.

This makes me think that you joined the United Anglers because it was a different way to get into college.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / My dream of studying and helping aqautic animals - UC Essay #1 [16]

I felt that I had summarized what the United Anglers program was about

Simone is just confused as to why your club helps the environment when it is called the United Anglers program.

Your description of the United Anglers does not need any further detail.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Failing in school - Significant experience [10]

I am a very lazy student, who sleeps in class, chats with his seatmates, lots of tardy, and does not participate in any single activity in school made the teachers no reason to pass me. I did even miss my opportunity to try robotics because I am a probation student and also got kicked out from school.

Not a good thing to include in a college essay.

"If you learn from defeat, you haven't really lost." And
"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude."
-Zig Ziglar

Quite cliche.

Your realizations are not only cliche but poorly explained. How did summer school change your laziness? Your motivation is guilt?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / My parent's smile and joy- experiences that helped to define you as a person [5]

"Who are you?" A very straightforward question. Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers themselves.
Every single one of our past experiences was characterizing us, serving as our road of becoming who we are now.

Got some tense issues here.

Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers themselves.

"not decide what to say" = "being uncertain of the answers"

When I was writing this piece, memories started to flash back. I suddenly travel back through time.

unnecessary.

As JK Rowling would say, I entered the pensieve, just like Harry Potter and Dumbledore.

This little comparison is out of the blue.

When I was writing this piece, memories started to flash back. I suddenly travel back through time. As JK Rowling would say, I entered the pensieve, just like Harry Potter and Dumbledore. Extremely vivid memories were rapidly swimming in my thoughts. It was like a collection of movie clips playing so fast. It is there. The one when I was little and don't have a care in this world. It's just me and my world.

Come to think of it, I think this whole passage should be omitted because it describes your thinking process.

And in just a mere second I saw myself going up the stage receiving my very first award, my parents being so proud of me. But in an instant my moment of happiness was transformed into moment of humiliation. Why? Because my tampered memories came into view. Tampered because I don't want to remember them, since it was all losing memories.

What? This is so random. Tampered? How did you get an award on the first day of school?

"I was not delivered into this world into defeat nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be lead by my shepherd, I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny. I will persist until I succeed"

Again, What? I am utterly confused.

So you see? I was afraid of losing. I don't want losing. Cause I am not a loser.

huh?

I'm sorry but I do not understand the last half of your essay at all.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 12, 2009
Undergraduate / I LOVE HISTORY; Cornell college of Arts and Sciences essay [3]

Awesome! A Cornell essay. Go you!

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.

I don't feel that you describe the evolution of your interest for history very well.

You write about how you look at history but not how you started liking it. You do have one example about how the mayan video made you like to study history but you never state why this is.

These are my intellectual interests: studying history, and looking for things that can be connected to today.

I would say that a branch of history is, in fact, connecting it to today.

My love of reading and thinking about different ways of doing things translated naturally into an interest in the past and how people used to do things.

Quite broad. Especially since you give no examples of this throughout your essay.

Ever since, I have loved to learn about how people used to live; what they used to eat, what they used to build, and what they used to do for fun.

Why?

All the questions you ask in your body paragraph are, no doubt, already answered. I, for one, know why Japanese people fought so ruthlessly.

After reading this I do understand your love of history but I do not understand how you love history enough to pursue it as a career.

Good luck
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Gay Marriage: Is It Right? [13]

John6503-
1) You don't think gay people are influenced genetically.
2) You don't think they should have children because they made a choice to be gay, sacrificing the right to have children.

1) Sexual Antagonism
A genetic theory of homosexuality.
By William Saletan
Posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008

First, it implies natural limits to homosexuality. You don't need to worry that gay teachers or television characters will "convert" hordes of boys. Sexually antagonistic selection is self-limiting and impervious to postnatal cultural factors. The authors' computations show no scenario in which male homosexuality spreads throughout a population.

^Based on a study far more recent than 2001. Published in 2008.

2)

showing that homosexuality is cultural and environmental rather than genetic

You post a comment which claims that homosexuality is cultural and environmental.

I know those gay people chose their own destiny to become homosexual

Which completely contradicts this statement.
Since environment and culture are both determined at birth gay people don't really have a conscious choice. So therefore why should they be subjected to the kind of inhumane discrimination you show. They can have children. I like the point simone made above about discrimination.

Also, instead of prohibiting gays from adopting, how about prohibiting the discriminaation of the children of gays?

Would children want to be left as orphans or as the sons and daughters of loving parents?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "the break-dance performance" - UT essay form B [6]

On the contrary I think that this essay has some serious potential. Your topic surprised me (in a good way). I was utterely fascinated by popping. I think that you need to develope your change a little more.

Then, I see the people who really want to dance and who want to chase the fame. Just like two years ago, I saw some people leave and stay. I didn't teach the people who were full of vanity, because those people will not be able to get through the practice with perseverance.

This makes you seem slightly arrogant.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Payal was my role model and my inspiration" - University of Florida Essay [9]

Undoubtedly, the field cancer research is filled with people who, like the author of this essay, were first motivated by the death of a friend or relative.

I am just worried that the writer has sacrificed some kind of other aspiration to do something that he/she feels is their responsibility. Also, I am worried that he/she is not self-motivated.

Of course I could be severely underestimating the power of the author's experience as I have never had such a death in my life.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Payal was my role model and my inspiration" - University of Florida Essay [9]

Your experience is rather good. It is just that the image of you shouting "wake up" and your determination to find a cure for cancer.

Finding a cure for cancer is rather loose. It's like saying that you want to solve global warming or promote world peace.

Also, I understand your determination but I can't help but wonder if becoming a researcher is your dream. I get the idea that your friends death has made you feel like you have a duty to cure cancer. I feel that you really want to become a researcher but others may wonder after reading this essay.

I get the idea that you want to become a researcher because of others, not yourself.

I would be more at rest if you originally wanted to be a researcher and what Payal's death did was make you want to be a cancer researcher.

Should mention that I could make a connection with students at UF who have the same problem? Let me know what you think!

How long is the essay supposed to be? Don't sacrifice good writing to add. What you have right now is great.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "the break-dance performance" - UT essay form B [6]

For my ordinary sense of dance, moves were an epic. Bboys were spinning on the floor, and, poppers were waving and popping their bodies.

I can spin on the floor. Perhaps you should make it sound more impressive.

It wasn't hard to find. Actually, I was amazed of the numbers that I found.

Unnecessary.

A few months of Popping practice, I could know that it was a complete mockery. The style called, popping should be done slowly and smoothly as possible.

I don't understand this.

Your actual lesson learned is buried amongst your descriptions of popping.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2) [16]

I think my fascination with the universe is a bit deeper than your average star gazer's.

I want to learn about the fundamentals of the universe so I can answer my own and others' seemingly unanswerable questions.

What makes you want this?

Your essay leaves me with one question. How did your love for astronomy come about??? I don't have any idea of why you would rather study the universe than go fishing.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Texas - Austin, Transfer Applicant (Important issue - My Mother) [8]

As a kid, my mother rarely, if almost never, picked me up and held me
against her chest.

Rarely=Almost never

I understand that this is a true experience but it just sounds so cliche. Perhaps it's just that I've read too many of these.

How have ou changed through this experience? I understand that you have turned into a life-valuing person but I value life as well. In what ways do you value life? How did you show this?
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / My dream of studying and helping aqautic animals - UC Essay #1 [16]

The quarter of a mile walk from my house to the school appeared to take days as the overwhleming feeling of entering a new world put my mind in a haze

Seeing as the quarter mile seemed to take days, this means that you wanted to get to school, you were excited for it. But you were, in fact, filled with fright. Meaning that the walk should have felt too short.

I began to walk towards the office, the only building I knew the location of

Your school office is a seperate building???

While my job will not make me a millionaire

Unnecessary.

Although you do bring up your dream to become a marine biologist, your last paragraph says nothing about your dreams and aspirations. I feel that it should.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Perseverance"- UF Application Essay [5]

understand now how to learn from my mistakes.

You didn't make any mistakes though. The music stopping wasn't your fault.

The writing is ok. The experience not so much.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Payal was my role model and my inspiration" - University of Florida Essay [9]

how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to
the UF campus community.

I don't see how your essay answers this part of the question. You only state why you need UF not why UF needs you.

In my opinion, your narrative seems a little cliche. The impact on you seems cliche also. But of course, this experience is real. That's just what I feel.

Otherwise, it flows well and doesn't have too many grammatical errors. I'm sure the others on this site will point those out.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

Forgive me. I meant completely starting a new essay that deals with a different example which shows your respect for intellectual or social differences. However I do like this essay, I am just giving you alternatives if you find this essay inadequate.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "My transformation" - accomplishments that have helped define you as a person [3]

Everything in your essay happens without explaination as to why it is important or how it effected you and why. What is the point of this essay.

You met your best friend in a dark alley. You proceeded to write a book with her. You suddenly became popular. You left your friend behind for god knows what. Then the "book of friendship" that we never cared about was closed.

You describe yourself as stupid and moronic no less than 3 times in this essay.

In the beginning you say your stupid. Then you become popular in the middle. Then you become stupid again.
Am I the only one who finds this pointless.

Good luck with a revision.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

The essay question asked for intellectual, social, OR cultural differences.

If you agree with our suggestions for this essay but can't find ways to include them because of space or something then thinking about a different topic doesn't hurt. Now I think that your essay is adequate for UM admissions, having lived in Ann Arbor for half my life I've had dozens of friends who went to Michigan with horrible essays. Not that your essay is horrible.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

I think this essay is pretty good however Liebe makes crucial points.
I don't recommend you scratch this essay but I do suggest you look into the social and intellectual difference part of the essay and see if you can write about those instead.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a 3.93 GPA and achieved a 28 on the ACT. While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face. On top of all that, I am a Varsity Cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society. I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school.

I think that this whole passage should be omitted. It's just repeating your resume which is in your app already. It would be ok if you stated that all this conveys your ability to multitask but you don't.

Your essay sounds like bragging to me.

My personal integrity is top notch. I believe in always telling the truth, no matter how bad it is. I always try my hardest and never settle for cheating my way through something.

^ Not cheating and lying does not add anything to the university.

The best example of my personal integrity is one day at work I found $100 laying on the floor. Instead of picking it up and keeping it, I set it up front for the rightful owner to claim. It would have been extremely easy for me to keep it and act like I never saw it, but my conscious would not let me.

No matter how honest you are, I do not believe this cliche example of morality.

You have no in depth examples. Your essay is basically your application in complete sentences.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

Is there any part that I can shorten to leave space for deep discussion?

^ I think you can omit the part about your stereotypes because the changing of your stereotypess is not the focus of this passage.

Perhaps the singing around the fire part can be left out also. I know that you are just trying to show the strong bond that you developed with the others but the sentence before that wraps it up pretty well.

I have an idea. Maybe you can make your story stronger by talking about the process of making the foods. Did you make all the foods together or individualy?

Perhaps you realized aspects of their different cultures through this experience.

Good luck
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm much younger than everybody in my class; Edison state college adm. essay [4]

Cool. Now write an essay about it. By the way, in your essay, I wouldn't diss edison state because it doesn't answer the question at hand. You want to go to UCF because there are people you can realte to there? Wow, this just shows your lack of tolerance for different people. Your only valid point here is that UCF will further your dreams of becoming a teacher. Expand on that.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "around my family" - university of central florida essay #2 [5]

This essay is 206 words. Are you sure this is ok?

I'm around my family way more than I probably should be, but I don't really see that as a bad thing because they have made me who I am

This is unnecessary. In addition the rest of this sentence is a run on statement.

I love my family and being around them because there's the feeling of security and familiarness that you don't get from everywhere else.

I don't believe this is necessary either.

Plus the support my family gives me that makes me feel as though I can do anything I dream of.

What are these dreams you speak of.

From being around my family I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how hard something is you have to try your hardest cause other- wise there's no point in doing it at all.

You had to learn that everything has a reason from your family? This is quite broad. What made you come to this realization?

They have also given me the courage to try and be a teacher which has been a dream of ever since I can remember.

I would say that it is Your dream not just a dream. Omit "ever since I can remember"

At first i thought they were gonna oppose my decision becuase most of them are barbers and i was thinking they all wanted me to go to cosmotology school but they all were incredibly supportive, which has given me even more courage to try and obtain my goals.

Not a good ending.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

also my comprehensive attitude will definitely accelerate the blend of multifarious culture on the campus of University of Michigan.

But your not saying that you will promote culture. Your comprehesion only shows that you understand and accept culture.

This essay is clear in answering the prompt. However I believe that it lacks some depth.
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "A level-headed individual" - UF Admission Essay. [4]

I feel that this essay is very clear (though not void of grammatical errors).
However, I do not think that you answered this part of the prompt well: "affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community."
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]

I'm mistaken then. I think that all "my friend died" "my family friend" suicided" stories never move me, I always end up bored. I guess I'm just a rock. :]
Llamapoop123   
Aug 10, 2009
Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

Well, first we really both decided about it. Secondly, If I didn't mention my sister this "A year later, she got her prayers answered" sentence will be kind a bit awkward.

It makes your conclusion weak. It's like your saying because your sister got her prayers answered you should too (I know you don't mean it like that but this conclusion has no point)
Llamapoop123   
Aug 9, 2009
Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

I have found that the general atmosphere of the school, the outgoing nature of the students, and the beauty of the facilities all make University of Connecticut a college that I would thoroughly enjoy my time at.

How do you know that there are outgoing students there...This sentence also has grammer issues.

The deciding factor for choosing University of Connecticut as my primary transfer school sprouts from the campus tour that I went on 2007.

Omit

My professors even with their busy schedules, they accommodated my problems and helped me accomplished my courses with my head held high.

There are a number of grammer and sentence structure mistakes in this sentence. I'm not remodeling it because I am certainly not suitable for the job.

Building a strong A.I. that matches and exceeds human intelligence is no easy task, but I am up to the challenge it brings.

A little out of the blue.

"After the campus tour, my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun."
Why are you including your sister...

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