Essays / Argumentative research paper on euthanasia - Need help to organize the essay [5]

Good evening.

I suggest beginning with an outline. List all of the topics you absolutely want to include and then one fact and/or a supporting detail or story about that topic. You can include as many topics, facts, supporting details, or stories as you need to make a strong essay. Once you have that done you can rough out a conclusion; wait until the very end to write your introduction though. After all, how can you introduce something that you haven't even written yet?

Make sure to include all of the proper formal citations according to your required citation style, and to include a works cited or bibliography page at the end.

I hope this helps get you started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with Globalisation of Sport Essay... [2]

Good evening :)

This is not exactly my area of expertise, so I'm not really sure how much valuable assistance I can provide on this one. What about starting by looking closely at the changing nature of professional sports in the UK and then connect those changes to these two areas? For instance, how have the sports provided the media with money, spectators, events, and sponsorship? And on the other hand, how have the media given pro sports money, people to watch (TV?), sponsors (here in the U.S. NASCAR is the promotion King. Every inch of the cars, the stands, the track, the infield, etc. is covered in ads from sponsors. Some of the funny car/top fuel sponsors pay millions of dollars to get their decals on the car for fractions of seconds at a run.) and content (events: games, meets, etc.)? How is this different than say, a decade or two ago?

I hope this has been some help to you :)

Regards,
Glroia
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on "Prevention is better than Cure." [2]

As the prompt for this essay was not included, I have made some general comments.

First, my main concern for this piece is that it is not completely coherent. By this I mean that it is very difficult to understand. For instance, what is "that subject?" What is a "medical man?" Do you mean doctors or physicians?

Here are some mechanical corrections for the first paragraph:

If we look narrowly at medical treatment history we find that many people have lost their lives just for not knowing a simple thing about infections or ways of affliction.

For example, a specimen of fever called "milk fever" is infected from milk to the body and makes an agitation in the digestive, nervous, and immune systems of the body, and it can be prevented by simply boiling milk.

Make sure you are placing spaces after your punctuation; there should always be a singular space between your punctuation mark and the first letter of the next word.

Here are the corrections for a subsequent paragraph:

I believe government plays an important role in raising the awareness of a preventative culture; they can do it by investigating medical centers for different purposes such as creating training course for people who are impacted by the illness or sending a trained medical representative to an afflicted area. Also, providing a budget for developing medical research along with encouraging people to work in this field will help raise further awareness.

Using these suggestions, go back through your piece and look for other instances such as these that need correcting, and your essay will become greatly improved.

Undergraduate / An Italian student, Lse Personal statement [2]

Good evening :)

First, a few mechanical comments. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Second, make sure you are properly placing spaces between your punctuation and the first letter that follows it; there should always be a single space there. Third, make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only. For instance, "First Certificate" and "Certificate of Proficiency," while very impressive, should not be capitalized.

New paragraphs should be placed when you switch topics; for instance, the sentence "I have been traveling a lot..." should be a new paragraph because you are changing subjects from your GPAs to the best experience of your life. Also, make sure you run this piece through a spell checking program such as Word or the Mozilla web browser to check for spelling errors.

In regards to content, you have a lot of information here. Do you have a word count restriction? If so, (or even not, for that matter) you should think about condensing some of this data into a more abbreviated, less detailed form. It almost reads like a bulleted resume, without much analysis or inflection presented. But then again, I'm not sure what the requirements of the essay are, so that might be appropriate.

For a first draft, it's not bad. Organizing the information more will help improve the flow, and if you can condense some of it and group it together better that will also improve the "readability" of the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Not about memorizing' - Math, science - UC prompt #2 [2]

Good evening :)

First, a few mechanical suggestions. Avoid contractions in formal academic writing. Make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only. For instance, "Physics" and "Chemistry" shouldn't be capitalized.

"In a last minute rush, I skimmed through the table of content of Plane Geometry volume II by V.V Praxolov (translated into Vietnamese), Kelly's theorem, linear transformation technique, and many others also popped up."

"...knowing the words contained in the theorems but obtaining the logic theypossess ."

What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? I don't see how you answered this part of the prompt. Otherwise, I think you've got a great start.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My parents, my uncle and passionate teachers. [2]

Good evening :)

I only have a couple of suggestions. First, make sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns. As such, "Physics" and "Mathematics" should not be capitalized. Also, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing.

In regards to content, you have an excellent piece. You answer the prompt nicely, are well organized, and use good transitions. Your introduction and conclusion also tie the piece up nicely. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I cherished friendship" - UC APPLICATION prompt 2 [3]

Good afternoon :)

I think you have a good idea here, even a good example, but I wonder if it properly answers the prompt. If you could, instead of using all of the excessive dialogue, paraphrase the discussion and focus more on expanding the last paragraph. Shift the focus onto why/how you value friendship, and how this conversation changed that for you. Why is this "chance" so important to you?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Against - Global Warming research paper [5]

Good afternoon :)

In regards to the thesis, the thing is that it should start out very broad (you could talk about the media influence here) and then narrow down your discussion to the actual statement. Your actual thesis statement should be very close to the first sentence you wrote here: Global warming is not an actually occurring phenomenon; rather, it is a natural phenomenon that humans happen to be caught up in. Prior to that, you could definitely use the example of the media and the earth being flat as a precursor to your actual thesis statement. For example, start out by discussing other times in history where common (today) natural phenomena were seen as impossible or not feasible, and how popular opinion influenced that way of thinking, and then draw a direct parallel to your stance on global warming, concluding with the actual statement.

As long as you are properly citing credible sources (not your gramma's personal opinion) you shouldn't have a problem with your paper gaining credibility. Just make sure to cite your sources.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The expansion of higher education from 1970~2000; leadership of the Presidents [2]

Good afternoon.

"With Louise's instruction, I analyzed the expansion of higher education in from 1970~2000, and discussed leadership of the Presidents among 83 universities. Using the transformational leadership theory, semi-structure interviews, quantitative method to inquiry the effectiveness of Presidents' leadership.What happened? You begin with "using," insinuating that there are results. The toughest part was gettingthe valid samples as many as possible.This is an incomplete sentence. Please finish it. Due to the lack of official integrated contact list...

... system, academic and administrative, in the higher education system are. By my hardship, my thesis was acceptable and published in the National Graduate Conference in 2007. However, if possible, I'dAvoid contractions in formal academic writing. like to discuss this topic in more detail and study how other universities that experienced similar expansion among the world deal with their challenges. That is what I exactly want to study from your program."

Essays / Media Evaluation Argument Essay/ Masculinity [4]

Good afternoon.

I suggest beginning with an outline. List all of the topics you absolutely want to include and then one fact and/or a supporting detail or story about that topic. You can include as many topics, facts, supporting details, or stories as you need to make a strong essay. Once you have that done you can rough out a conclusion; wait until the very end to write your introduction though. After all, how can you introduce something that you haven't even written yet?

Make sure to include all of the proper formal citations according to your required citation style, and to include a works cited or bibliography page at the end.

I hope this helps get you started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "An antisocial student" - Rutgers Admission Essay [4]

Good afternoon :)

Since you did not describe what kind of specific assistance you were looking for, I have made some general comments.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. When you use quotation marks make sure your punctuation is enclosed inside the marks. For example, "face". should be "face." Also, make sure you capitalize the first word in sentences enclosed in quotation marks. For instance, "a journey of a thousand..." should be "A journey of a thousand..."

In regards to content, your answer is a good response to the prompt. You answer all of the facets of their question and it is organized well, with good flow throughout.

I hope this helps some.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers in terms of commitment and emotional support [3]

Good afternoon :)

A few suggestions. First, when you are dealing with possession, such as you have in the first sentence, make sure you are properly using the apostrophe. For example, "Parents are the children very first..." should be "Parents are the children's very first..." because the children belong to the parents.

Avoid using abbreviations in formal academic writing. For example, "etc." should not be used here; write your complete list out with all of your examples included.

Make sure all of your subjects and verbs agree in your sentences. For example, "..teachers in term..." should be "...teachers in terms..." because parents and teachers are plural; term should be plural as well.

Make sure you are using linking verbs to properly connect the words in your sentences and make them structurally sound. For instance, "They willing to sacrifice..." should be "They are willing to sacrifice..."

Read through your piece and make sure that all of the words are what you mean. For instance, do you really mean "mummy?"

Make sure you are properly using commas. For instance, in the last sentence there should be a comma after "knowledge."

In regards to content, you give some good examples to support your opinion. Your essay is organized and easy to read.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Research paper review :online gambling should be illegal [4]

Good afternoon.

As you did not explain what type of assistance you are seeking, I have made some general comments on the piece.

First, make sure all of your direct quotes are enclosed in quotation marks and properly cited, including the *dictionary* (I assume) definition in the beginning.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing.

Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Taxpayers" shouldn't be capitalized.

Always make sure to place your punctuation after the last ellipse of an inline citation. For example, "Legal gambling operations in the U.S. pay millions of dollars in taxes annually to local and federal governments" ( Hammer, Ryan D.).

Make sure that you use apostrophes to indicate possession. For instance, "...abuse a persons credit worthiness" should be "...abuse a person' s credit worthiness."

In regards to structure, the piece is well organized, the paragraphs are structured nicely, and the flow of the overall piece is good. Your introduction and conclusion tie together nicely, and with some mechanical polishing could be a very nice piece.

I hope this is of some assistance.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay: "Better an egg today than a hen tomorrow" [4]

Good evening! :)

There could be a flipside to this. Why would it be better to be an egg today? Don't people fry eggs? They also eat hens, but that wouldn't make it better to be an egg as each can be devoured. I've also heard the saying like this, "If the chicken knew what it was in for it would never leave the egg." Especially if it is being said when making eggs for breakfast...I think that is the line of some disenchanted kid in a movie, but I'm not sure...

Anyway, let's see:

How about it being a metaphor for assumption? In other words, it is better to rely on what you physically have presently (i.e. the egg) than to assume that you will have more/better in the future (the hen, which will lay more eggs). It could also be looked at as a metaphor for knowledge. Knowledge can be thought of as fragile in the present, especially if it is a new idea without a strong following, and if nurtured correctly it will one day (tomorrow) turn into a hen (a more mature, wiser, grown version of its former delicate self).

I hope this helps you get started. Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / To enrich Howard University - Help with law school personal statement. [9]

That sounds like a fantastic start. You are very welcome! Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / MPH program - GRADUATE APPLICATION ESSAY [4]

Good morning.

This is a public website and at this time we don't provide private consultations.

Regards,

Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Why do villains sin? - essay help [6]

There isn't any reference to an unpleasant childhood experience in the book or cartoon version of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." I am not sure what other versions of the tale there are out there, but the book and cartoon versions both start out explaining "No one quite knew the reason why..." I would double check the source you have in mind.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay: "Better an egg today than a hen tomorrow" [4]

Good morning :)

What is the prompt and/or requirements for this essay? I'm afraid I will need a little more detail before I can provide any worthy assistance.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / About the description of study experience [3]

Good morning :)

"As having substantial studying in UCC,This is confusing; please clarify.m y professor, Mac, is well known for his enthusiasm of general education. By learning with him, what inspired me was the mission held by the Presidents in Harvard shaped its unique curriculum.This needs more detailed explanation to be understood by your readers. Even though there is nonstop debate on general or professional oriented in the campusGeneral or professional oriented what? You have a subject here but no predicate, resulting in an incomplete sentence. , they believed that university is not only a vocation preparation but a place for developing liberal men. If I have a chance, I'd like to undertake this research again since the curriculum design in Harvard has been modified recently, and its next-step development attracts me."

I have a few major concerns for this piece. First, there really isn't any flow, so the reader never really "settles into" the piece. I'm not sure what your topic is, because there are many spots that are indiscernible; make sure you are including complete sentences that provide enough information for your reader to understand what you are saying to them. Mechanically, make sure you are placing spaces between your words and between punctuation and your words; there are many instances where letters and punctuation are not properly spaced.

With work, this piece should improve.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Personal Response (Ten Things the Chinese Do Much Better Than We Do) [3]

Good morning :)

I like this format; it is easy to read and very organized. You move quickly from one point to the next, keeping your reader's attention while getting your information across. I think the structure is great; again, it keeps things moving along while still covering your main points thoroughly. Since you put your own analysis in each point, it helped make the essay more than just a list of another's work. I think the flow was great; it was fluid through the points, and your intro and conclusion both helped tie up the piece. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'sure-to-be-discovered director' - Person Who Impacted You -- UT Essay A [3]

I think it answers the prompt nicely, you have good flow between paragraphs (respectively), and your introduction and conclusion tie up the piece tightly. Good work!

Letters / Guidance on writing a reference letter [6]

Good morning :)

For some in-depth examples and explanation of reference letters, type in "examples of reference letters" in your internet search engine; there will be an incredible amount of results, and you should be able to find what you are seeking there.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'The truth about catholic schools' - why i chose this college (St. Olaf College) [2]

I think you could make this essay stronger by discussing more in-depth what it is that makes this school "safe" to you. Why do their rules make it easier for many cultures to co-exist? How have your past experiences with Catholic schools influenced your decision to attend this one?

Undergraduate / short answers - 1. community activity and 2. personal goal [2]

Good evening :)

I think the first piece is great as it is; I wouldn't change anything.

The second piece is great as well, but there are a couple of spots that could use some polishing. First, if you are going to talk about the CARE program, make sure you explain it a little more in detail. For example, exactly what is the "help" that you provide to these women? Second, how does that organization directly tie into your career choice? A little more explanation is necessary here.

Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / short answer - "Identify type of intelligence and discuss experiences" [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, only one suggestion:

-"I am logical-mathematical, with a penchant for naturalist." Try "I am logical-mathematical, with a penchant toward naturalist."

In regards to content, you've done a great job. You relate yourself and your explanations to each point in your introduction, justifying each point you declare at the beginning. Your conclusion is a great tie-up to your introduction, and it flows nicely with the rest of the piece. Your paragraphs are well structured and are linked by nice transitions, giving the entire piece a smooth, fluid movement. Great work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / short answer - "what would you do if you had 1 year prior to college?" [4]

Good afternoon :)

Mechanically, watch the excessive use of commas. For instance, "For the past eighteen years (Remove comma) I have sought to learn the science, the psychology, and the relationship embedded in a person's life. If I had one year, I would explore the nature of life (Remove comma) so that I can have a better understanding of how to live the best life (Remove comma) and how to attain the experience that will lead my life to the right direction."

Run this piece through a spell checking program such as Word or the Mozilla web browser to catch the spelling errors.

In regards to numerals, the general guideline is that if the word is between one and ten, go ahead and spell it out; if it is 11 or higher, it is acceptable to use numerals.

Stay in one tense throughout the piece; you switch from past tense to future tense intermittently throughout, and this is confusing to your reader. For instance, "To learn both positive and negative aspects of lives, I will talk to them about their thoughts regarding their lives, and changes they have experienced" should be, "To learn both positive and negative aspects of lives, I would talk to them about their thoughts regarding their lives, and changes they have experienced." In this case, "would" is better than "will" because this is how you started the piece out.

In regards to content, I am not sure what the "Truman Show" has to do with the rest of your piece. Perhaps you should explain to your audience what this is and why it relates to your piece.

How will this experience in the future give you "deep knowledge of other cultures," and how will you "apply them to strive for a better life?" More detail and explanation here is necessary.

You've got a great start; keep up the good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'AIDS vaccine and cure' - Bard College essay [4]

Good afternoon :)

You didn't specify what kind of assistance you are seeking, so I've just made some general comments.

-Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate.

-Avoid the passive voice: "...they would have to walk..." should be "...they have to walk..."

-When using quotation marks, make sure you are using the double marks (") when you are referring to something or writing dialogue. For instance, 'doesn't work' should be "does not work," and 'flawed' and 'failure' should be "flawed," and "failure."

-Choose a different transition word than "therefore." You use it many times in this piece and it becomes redundant.

-Your introduction and conclusion are great, and you stay on topic through the body. Your paragraphs are structurally sound, and the essay has good transitions, resulting in a nice, even flow.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Why do villains sin? - essay help [6]

Good afternoon :)

Your pieces look good. How about these:

-Rodya in "Crime and Punishment": Acted out of desperation/greed

-The Grinch in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas": Acted out of coldheartedness and selfishness

-Count Dracula in "Dracula": Acted out of hunger/nature.

-Draco Malfoy in the "Harry Potter" series: Acted out of jealousy/insecurity.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "women are solely responsible for bringing children up"; I completely disagree [3]

I completely disagree with this idea, "women are solely responsible for bringing children up" .
For two reasons:

First, personality of child in age infancy grows up when father and mother affect on it together.
For example when a child fall into a trouble and for resolve it needs to father's attendance ,father has been being and it wouldn't ask it from mother or any persons, because father has a distinct personality and give a distinct method of contacting that nobodies can offer it and also it's correct for mother too.

Second , mother never can 't behave exactly like father because a woman has different view than a man."All of this should be moved to the beginning of the essay to clarify your stance and "set the stage" for the rest of your paper.

Best of luck :)

Essays / Need an exemplification essay topic / idea [6]

Good afternoon :)

An exemplification essay is simply an essay that gives an example about something you say. It usually involves providing many examples to support some kind of generalization you make, and the examples serve as your support, giving your statement credibility. An example of a generalization could be that not everyone needs a high school education to be financially successful in life, and give the example of Christine Comaford. She never completed high school or college, but became an entrepreneur, CEO, and multimillionaire. She has worked as an operational high-tech officer at Microsoft, Lotus, Adobe, and Apple and has worked as a strategy advisor to Oracle and Symantec Corp.

For each facet of your generalization you could provide an example. If you decide to do something like successful people without formal education, you could include college as well, and include other examples in this list. The stronger your examples the better your paper will be.

I wish you the best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Against - Global Warming research paper [5]

Good afternoon.

You already have a good amount of main points that you want to discuss in the piece. The next step in the outline is to jot down some data, statistics, or an example for each one of those main points. Include a fair amount of detail in the explanation or story, and properly cite any factual information you use. Don't really worry about the order just yet; you'll get to that later. Focus on gathering your information right now.

What is the purpose of your essay? That purpose should be clearly stated in your thesis. The statement should be as long as it takes to fully describe the scope of your paper without giving all of the factual data away.

If you want to use that piece for your introduction sentence, make sure that it relates directly to your thesis and contributes something structurally to the paper. The opening statement should flow directly into the thesis statement.

Your outside research is going to help you with background information. See what you can find for each one of those main topics. For help with this you can contact your academic advisor or media center specialist; they can help you access a wide variety of research information, including journals and academic papers you can only access through your educational institution.

I hope this helps you along! Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Critical reflection on self essay [4]

Good evening.

How about starting with an outline? I usually begin with one instead of right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?

List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body. It sounds like you should have at least two main expository topics for this paper.

Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.

I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / diversity experience short answer question umich [2]

Good evening.

Mechanically, are my suggestions:

"The folded chairs set crowded around the table were nearly full. Thick and thin, strait and curly, black, white, red, yellow, and all shades of brown."

This is an excellent response! Very nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Finding strengths and weaknesses of the article [3]

Good afternoon.

It sounds like the assignment wants you to look critically at the article and evaluate its good points and its weak points. For instance, is the subject matter relevant and pertinent to the topic? Does the author treat his/her audience as an equal, or does he/she talk down to the reader? What about the actual content of the piece. Is it organized and coherent or jumbled and confusing? Does it make good points? What are they? Does it glance over important points, or even ignore them completely? Things like that.

For a more detailed explanation, I suggest you consult with your instructor or other classmates, as they will be more familiar with the text and the expectations for the class.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Maths Personal Statement for London universities - general checking [4]

It does show that, but you could condense it and make it more of a short list rather than an extended expository paragraph. I think it does show that you are dedicated and have a long history with the subject matter.

Essays / Essay about why do we need laptop? [2]

Good morning.

This website is a public forum for students to receive assistance with their writing. You may post your pieces here for myself and others to suggest changes to and help you with brainstorming for your work. We do not write custom academic papers here; for that type of assistance you should seek a paid writing service.

If you have the piece written, please feel free to post it here so that I and others may make suggestions. If you are seeking other assistance beyond this scope, you will have better results elsewhere.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Describe a significant experience or achievement (the Corps) - essay [2]

My main concern here is that your piece doesn't quite answer the prompt. You were asked to explain a significant experience or achievement; while it is obvious that your time with JROTC is this experience/achievement, it needs to sound less like a persuasive paper and more like an expository essay. Spend more time discussing why it has impacted you and less time trying to recruit new members. :)

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Maths Personal Statement for London universities - general checking [4]

(New paragraph.) My expertise in being organised is reflected by my time management skills. I have looked into a range of careers that a mathematics degree can lead to. Merrill Lynch gave me an opportunity to spend to two days at Merrill Lynch Financial Centre in London shadowing its staffs from the different divisions of an investment bank. I have been selected to attend another insight day there at the end of this year where it will be based more on the technology involved in an investment bank."

As to a conclusion, how about discussing how these experiences have made you into a well-rounded individual ready to take on the challenges of being a London university student?

Research Papers / Trouble narrowing down research topic about sport hiring process [6]

Good afternoon.

OK, let's see. The outline should have (for this length of paper) probably five major points that you absolutely want to discuss; the pillars of your paper, if you will. Do you have any outside research yet? If so, perhaps it can assist you with topics. If not, how about the "beauty is beastly" concept, or the debunking of it? Or this phenomena in different cultures? What about the maturity level or age of the person conducting the interviews or carrying out the hiring in regards to their susceptibility to this phenomena?

As far as subheadings, they should give examples of or exemplify the main pillar statements. Your outside research will provide much of this supporting information. Statistics, interesting stories, or examples could all be examples of your subheadings.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I volunteer at an orphanage here in Senegal - Short Answer for Common App [4]

I agree; the rest of the essay flows so well that the beginning does seem problematic. I think the rest is great; just enough detail but still within the word count. The flow through the rest is good, and I do like the conclusion.

Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com