Undergraduate / 'to wonder how things work' - University of Pennsylvania Supplement [2]

Hello,

As many now know, I am a University of Penn graduate and I take pride in all things Penn. After reading your essay, I did not get a sense of why you truly wanted to attend Penn. Yes your friends go there, Yes Penn is a great school(which it already knows very well), and Yes some really cool things are developed there. What the admissions committee really wants to see is your desire for Penn. What specifically does Penn offer that will really make you as successful as you want to be? This essay needs a lot more work in order to be ready to compete on the level that Upenn demands. admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / 'The Lamorinda community' - UC: Where you come from [3]

Hello,

This is a very pompous essay to say the least. Although you accurately talk about where you come from, it does not come across well. Admissions officers are looking for overall well rounded students. Students who are also compassionate. Your essay makes you sound as though you have the attitude of "I am rich and I intend to stay that way." A far more appropriate spin on this essay is to talk about your relation to South Korea. Talk about how your work ethics have been shaped by your parents and your culture. Then relate this to how that culture values hard work and produces success. This way you will both accurately answer the topic without coming across as being lofty. - admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / "Is hostel life new to you?" - Stanford Supplementary Essay - Note to Roommate [5]

Hello Nadia,

Just a few pointers. In the states, Hostels and Dorms are different things. You should use the word dorm instead of hostels. Also, I intend to take up...should be, I will major in communications. Other than that, this is a great intro note that will help the housing staff place you. -essay polisher

Undergraduate / Issue, DREAM Act - CommonApp essay [5]

Hello,

You essay is very controversial, but well written. The only thing that I would change(remove) is your usage of the word "alien". "Undocumented resident" is much more appropriate for a college application essay. Also, when you write an essay such as this one, you need to be careful that you state what is your opinion and what is fact. Facts need to be backed up by references. You make two general assumptions that come off as facts, which they are not..."There is also no evidence that the United States government will ever propose, let alone pass, anything like this act ever again so they need not worry." and "The millions of permanent residents with a college education could certainly be the key to solving numerous issues, such as the current financial crisis." Unless you have facts to back these statements up, you have to make sure your phrase them so that the reader knows that you are merely stating your opinion. -essay polisher

Undergraduate / 'in the working class' - What community you come from University of Michigan [8]

Hello,

Your essay does not fully answer the question. Probably the strongest argument you could have here would be for you to talk about being the product of a divorce. How did it make you feel? Talk about how grateful you are that your parents get along? As the child of a divorced couple, you are apart of a larger community. Exploit this further and you will have a powerful essay which will get you noticed. -admissions essay advice

Graduate / "my view of nuclear energy in the future" - SOP for nuclear engineering PhD [2]

Hello,

You have a few grammatical errors and omitted words such as in the second sentence of the third paragraph where you should have the word "my" there. However, the major weakness of this essay is that you do not talk more about why you want to study nuclear engineering. Yes, the world knows about what happened in Japan earlier this year. That incident brought the topic of nuclear engineering to the forefront, but what specifically interests you? There is no passion for nuclear engineering that comes across in your essays. To make this essay stronger you need to show serious interest in the field beyond the fact that your uncle earned a degree there or that you browsed the department's website. Because of the events that happened in Japan earlier this year, you can expect that many other students will also attempt this switch. As such your essays really need to be well written and your passion for and desire to study NE abundantly clear. -essay polisher

Graduate / 'Doing field work and teaching archaeology' - Letter of Intent-Archaeology [3]

Hello Kim,

This LOI is much stronger than your first. You are moving in the right direction. Now you need to strengthen this by talking more about your research desires. Try to talk about any exciting projects you completed as an undergrad or an inspiration professors or books. Admissions officers want to know that you have real passion for the field. This is especially true on the graduate level as normally most departments only accept 1-9 students per year. -Essaypolisher.com

Hope This helps

Graduate / (mechatronics, control and robotics) Statement of Purpose of mine--applying to ME PhD [2]

Hello Lei,

Since you wish to attend Berkeley, you really need to present a sharp essay. It seems you have a hard time grasping written English. Your word choices are fine, but in almost every single sentence there is a problem with agreement. Since you state that you want to be a researcher and publishing is a major part of being a researcher, you need to make sure you statement of purpose is as succinct as possible with no grammatical errors. Also, your opening paragraph has very little to do with your actual program of interest. You should change this and focus your opening paragraph more on why you should be admitted to study ME on a PhD level. We can help you with this- admissions essay advice

I'm an amateur writer, the first prize winner of the Youth Essay Competition of Beijing and the author of quite a few works of fiction . What makes me a writer? The incredible creativity to build dreams for readers .

Hope This Helps
admissions essay advice

Graduate / 'analytical abilities and leadership' - Short Term, Long Term, Why this MBA [5]

Hello,

You don't work across clients unless you are laying in their laps while working. You work across different client segments or work across from clients etc...

For your second point, you really do not need to talk about your current job that much. Just state briefly, the skills you have learned and how you would apply them to the MBA program and your family business. -admissions essay advice

Hope This Helps

Graduate / 'analytical abilities and leadership' - Short Term, Long Term, Why this MBA [5]

Hello Vishwas,

Your essays are good grammatically. Everything really does flow well and I would only advise you to make a few changes namely "Working across clients and projects." I am sure you are not literally working across clients or projects so you should change this. Aside from the almost great grammar, there is one glaring problem that I have with your essays and I am sure the Adcoms will have with your essays. You say that you have worked as a consultant for the past 2 years, but you want to lead your family business. You do not talk at all about anything you have done so far for your family business. Most Adcoms will see your essay as being concocted and unsubstantiated. Why do you want to lead your family business? Have you interned there? Have you worked there? What are some major flaws? Tell us about an impact or failure you lead or witnessed at your family's company. All great MBA programs have Centers for Entrepreneurship, what makes BBBB stand out? We can certainly help turn this waitlist essay into an accepted one-admissionsessayadvice.

Hope This Helps.
admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / Ready to complete English degree-Readmission Essay/Personal Statement for Application [3]

Hello,

Your essay sounds great so far. Aside from a few grammatical errors, the only problem is that you do not talk about how your English degree will help you in the future. I would also add what aspects of the college do you feel will most help you earn the grades you desire going forward. Example: Since I have been away from college for X years, I will take full advantage of the touring resources to ensure my grades are in line with my expectations.... - admissions essay advice

Hope This Helps.

Graduate / Letter of Intent for Graduate School-Anthropology [2]

Hello Kimberly,

Your Letter of Intent is written in such an awkward way that most admissions officers will have a hard time reading it. It reads more like a plea for forgiveness for your bad grades than a statement of intent. The opening is not good and does not draw the reader in. A more appropriate opening would be for you to talk about your love for pyramids and the like. Admissions officers will NOT look at your application negatively if you have bad grades at the start of your academic career. However, if you feel you should really talk about why your grades are bad, you should include this is a seperate smaller essay. Your statement of intent needs to be as strong as possible. Talking about any weakness(unless specifically asked,) will only weaken your statement of purpose overall. -admissions essay advice

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / 'the field of Social and Cultural Anthropology' - Duke Supplement_Research Project [4]

Hello,

I still didn't learn anything about your research. You only have two short paragraphs, you need to talk more about your research including what actions you took to complete the research and most importantly the results and what you have learned from the process and results. Also "Furthermore, my research focused on the 20th Century, more specifically, the time before, during, and after World War II," can be omitted as "focused on the 20th Century include the entire 20th century....

Graduate / Statement of Intent for Masters of Science, Physiology [5]

Hello,

I wouldn't be able to tell you which experiences you should elaborate on because you don't really talk about any of them. You should take two experiences and talk about what you did at that lab and how you contributed to the research efforts there. I am not sure why this professor told you not to elaborate, maybe he does not want you to get accepted. Professors are all about research. They love it. Since most Graduate School programs use professors as admissions officers, the more in detail you talk about your research the better. I have been helping students get accepted to graduate school for years now. Many of my clients have been accepted to top Universities with full funding. I would never allow a client to send such a generic letter, even if it is to be used by multiple programs. What you should do is create a separate SOP for each application group.

Graduate / Statement of Intent for Masters of Science, Physiology [5]

Maria,

There are many issues with this SOP. It reads more like a generic cover letter than a SOP. 1)There is no need to state that you just finished your Bsc., The admissions officers will already know this. Secondly and probably the most important aspect is you should take the time to research the school to ensure you know the correct name of the school. The University of McGill does not exist. It is McGill University or The McGill University. Lastly, instead of dropping generic experiences you've had with research, try to elaborate on one or two. This will make the research you have completed seem more substantial and credible to admissions officers.

Undergraduate / My intellectual interest, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to me-Cornell [5]

Emmanuel,

Where do you attend high school? In what country? You have great experience, both personal(lizard) and academic(Bio Lab), however your essay reads really rough. You use very big words to tell a simple story. Your mother's "instantaneous interference" "bombshell," and other "grandiose" words should be used only after you have a strong command for the English language. Otherwise, it just sounds like you are trying way too hard, and in this essay it just doesn't work. -admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / (Choosing what to be when growing up) - from colombia to texas UT transfer [4]

Maria,

You should really talk about how your passion developed and what steps you have taken so far to realize your goal of being an aerospace engineer. If you have taken pre engineering courses in High School, such as calculus, then that's all you need to form the base of your essay. For inspiration one of the sample essays on our website talks about a student who had a burning passion to become a pilot. -admissions essay advice

Graduate / (the area of Asset Management) - essay about purpose of taking this program [3]

Hello,

Just going by what you wrote here, it seems like you have no passion for finance and are just looking for a position that has some respect and pays well. Admissions officers will see right through this. The masters of Finance degree is one of the most applied to degrees in the world. The applicant pool is extremely well experienced and highly analytic. You stated that you wish to develop an analytical sense during the program....wrong program buddy. Your analytic skills must be strong before you even think of applying to a masters of finance program. You need to tell a story as to why Finance and why Finance Now. I would not talk about a developing a tool that uses astrology as it probably will make the admissions officers chuckle and nothing else. If you are really set on gaining admissions to a great Masters of Finance program we can help. - admissions essay advice

Graduate / "Clubs and Career Management Centre" - HEC MBA essay [4]

Hello,

I learned a lot about your work experience at JP Morgan, and more about your desire to switch over into a revenue generating position at an investment bank. MBA admissions officers are well aware of the huge desire of literally hundreds of thousands of back office and tech workers who want to land in the front office. What I didn't get was a strong sense of why Hec? Besides extra curricular clubs, what does HEC offer that will allow you to achieve your goals? This essay needs to be made 10X stronger if you wish your application to be successful.

Undergraduate / "the custodian taught me about the world" - One who influenced me [5]

Hello Nikki,

I think the second part of your essay, including your conclusion is great. Actually, I think its one most interesting I have read so far this admissions cycle. What I would suggest is that you CAN your entire intro. You may think that it sounds interesting, but it is cluttered with non-relevant details. Your attempt at conveying graphic imagery only muddles the real story being told here.

However, I really like the second part of your essay because of its PROFOUND SIMPLICITY. You talk about how this ordinary custodian had so much to tell. You should focus your entire essay on this. Keep the theme of simple yet profound throughout. Your journey throughout DC with your friend only detracts from this simple yet profound theme. -admissions essay advice

Graduate / (applying for Master of Accountancy program) Ethical dilemma in professional career [4]

I have worked with a few students who have applied to Mac programs. Several of them did not have any experience and used their volunteer activities as their professional experience. They were all accepted.

Graduate / (applying for Master of Accountancy program) Ethical dilemma in professional career [4]

Hello,

You can always use volunteer and extra curricular activities such as clubs and sports to demonstrate your ability to handle difficult situations.

Graduate / "the more I learned about Finance" - personal statement for Finance program [4]

Hello,

Before I can critique your essay, can you tell me in which country are you applying for the Mfin? -admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / "the nagging stress of the day" - Common app short answer [9]

Hello Chris,

Maybe I was reading a different essay than Ana Maria Rosca, but I think this essay needs major work. You have a lot of issues with sentence structure and agreement. For example, "Every day required me pushing myself and making sure I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to get on varsity." In this sentence you are jumping from past to present and back. Try to keep one voice throughout your essay. Secondly, I cannot tell from reading your essay what your prompt was. A reader should always know or have some idea as to what the prompt of an essay is just by reading the first few sentences. In your final sentence you write "Going backwards," I was a little confused by this? What is "going backwards" or did you mean running backwards. Always try to be very clear in your essays so that Admissions Officers are not so easily confused. Just to double check, I auto scored your essay. It received a 54/100, this tells me that your essay also confuses the auto score system. This is important because most admissions offices also auto score applicants and their essays using the same system. Your goal is to try to get the essay to the point where it easily passes the auto score, even if this means using less complicated sentence structure. - admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / "... and everybody was smiling" - UCF Admissions [5]

Hello Lauren,

Your essay is off to a great start but needs deeper examples. You write using a very generic tone----"The beautiful campus, the modern classrooms, and the energetic high-technology classes allow for a phenomenal education." What school are you speaking about? I know of thousands of schools that offer the same features. The admissions team wants to know why UCF? What do we have here that makes you want to study here? Instead of writing generally, try to be specific. Talk about some of the "high-technology classes." Give specific examples such as "working with Microsoft class xyz." This will demonstrate to the admissions counsel that you have really researched the shchool and really want to be there. Also, try to use the actual name of the admissions ambassador. This will further demonstration a connection with everything UCF. -admissions essay advice

Graduate / "Learning appeals to me the most" - My FSU application [5]

Hello,

This essay is a decent start. However, I feel it is not strong at all. Remember, in every essay you write, you should try to convey to the reader your burning desire or passion for the subject area. You selected to write about "learning." I did not get that you had a burning desire for learning from your essay. You basically say "learning makes the World go round," and gave a few examples to support this. What FSU is asking you for in this essay, is to tell them "WHY FSU?" What would you do here at this WORLD CLASS UNIVERSITY and how can we help take your passion for learning to the NEXT level? A great response for this would be, for example, someone who has a desire for research - lets say for cancer research. This person should write their essay about how they would take advantage of all the research opportunities at FSU to learn more about cancer and how it represents itself in the human body. This would show how someone has a true passion learning and how FSU can help them. admissions essay advice

Also, the following sentence needs revision.
It isn't money, material items, or even love that makes the world go round, but learning, having an education, is.

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / "got me wishing I'm a Yalie" - Why Yale?=Short answer [29]

Rechy,

Yale wants to know that you are interested in their programs or some other tangible aspect of undergraduate life there. The only person at Yale that would love this essay would be the webmaster. You need to talk about other aspects of Yale that draws your attention and link those to reasons why it would be a perfect fit for you. -admissions essay advice

Undergraduate / "got me wishing I'm a Yalie" - Why Yale?=Short answer [29]

Rebecca,

Absolutely not! A website CANNOT be your main reason for why Yale. As you know Yale is a highly respected institution. You need to link the offerings of Yale with your academic pursuits. To say that you look at their website and feel an affinity will just cause your application to be quickly placed in the rejection pile. Also, you need to really check your grammar as there are many grammatical mistakes in your essay. We can help you with this - admissions essay advice

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone" short answer (extracurricualar activities) [2]

Hello,

As I read your essay, all I seemed to picture was the lush tropical oasis that is Jamaica. I thought very little of you and your summer experiences. You need to really elaborate and paint a picture of what happened. Although the essay is suppose to be a short one, you still have enough space to really give the reader a sense of why you value that experience. Talk more about what activities you completed with the mentee. Talk more about the hurdles you both had to overcome to get to the point where he could sing the first verse perfectly. I want to be left with an image of you and your mentee at the end of reading your essay, not one of the beautiful Island of Jamaica! -admissions essay advice

Graduate / "different stages in their diseases" - personal statement for post bacc med program [6]

Janeen,

I think you are off to a great start. The trials and tribulations of your parents provide a solid base for which to start a personal statement as to why Med school. However, your essay has serious flaws and a tremendous amount of grammatical errors. First off, you would need to talk more about why Med School and why Med School now and not 20 years ago. Secondly, you will want to make your statements stronger. You do not want to seem as someone who all of a sudden said, " Hey, I have nothing to do...Maybe I should try to become a Doctor." Lastly, you should always avoid using the phrase - "bloody stool" in personal statements - there is a high chance the A.O might read your essay while eating. - admissions essay advice

Graduate / Challenging Relationship at work - Wharton Essay [5]

As a proud Wharton Alum myself, I can honestly say that if I were an admissions officer, I would put this essay and your application in the not sure pile. Wharton is ALL about teamwork. During the 2 years, there may be only 1 or 2 projects where you will be asked to work alone. You must convey that you can actually work through issues, rather than telling someone "no, I will not do that and doubting their ability." We can Help you create an essay that will better highlight your strengths when it comes to teamwork. admissions essay advice

Hope this helps

Undergraduate / Choosing Topic about meaningful Event (University of Florida Application) [5]

Hello Keisey,

I really like the idea for your second idea. You are applying to a Florida University. Chances are they have heard the old country vs. new country story a zillion times as a large amount of applicants have some international ancestry. However, being raised by a single dad is far more rare. I cannot tell your sex by your name alone, but if you are a female, it would make your story soooo much more interesting. I am really looking forward to reading whichever essay you decide to go with.

Thanks,
admissionsessayadvice

Graduate / My path to the Post-Bacc in Pre-Health Program at UPenn- Admissions Essay [4]

Hello Jeremy,

I am guessing you missed the briefly in the prompt. I can assure you that not a single admissions officer will read this entire essay. I understand that you are trying to weave a story here by including references to the auto fixing industry, but your essay would be much more spectacular and to the point if you only focused on your grandmother. Post Bachs are not as intense in terms of admissions as other programs. They do not require the spectacular essays that other programs would. I would really try to cut your essay in half. I know from my experience, when I read an application that was to the point an entertaining, I was much more inclined to accept the applicant rather than the other way around. Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Essay for experience@singapore why I want to participate in this programme, how to? [8]

To start think about some noted aspects of the country and how those are things you wish to experience. Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / "to live the best life they can" - Extracurricular Activities or Work Experiences [3]

Hello,

The infinitive phrase, "to communicate", may be unnecessary. Ensure this phrase is required in your sentence. Consider replacing it with a finite verb or noun phrase.

Using infinitive phrases can make your writing appear more formal, but may also clutter it unnecessarily. Clearly identify the infinitive phrases (which include verbs beginning with "to"). Consider re-writing this phrase as a finite verb or a short noun phrase.

Incorrect: The responsibility of a parent is to ensure the health and safety of their child, as well as to provide an environment of happiness.

This sentence could be otherwise written: "A parent must ensure their child is healthy, safe, and in a happy environment."

Also, I am not sure exactly what message you are trying to convey with this essay. We can help you fix this..

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