Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: "Before an important exam, do you think it is better to prepare for ..." [2]


an introduction should include Motivator, thesis statement, your opinion, and blueprint. I think you should improve the structure of the introduction.


;


u repeated yourself in these sentences. Try to avid any repetition.


Do not repeat the phrase "is required". In addition, the word "many" is not appropriate in the sentence because the TOEFL test just evaluates four English skills which are not many.


repetition!! use synonym and try to express your ideas in various forms and use a wide range of vocabulary and sentence structures.


use another example since U mentioned this test in the previous paragraph. It seems you are talking about the TOEFL test instead of exams in general.


again TOEFL test !!!!

Work on vocabulary and grammar. The structures of the sentences used in the essay were too simple and all of them were similar to each other. U should use a variety of grammatical structures and words.

Hope u find the comments helpful
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"It was easy in past to identify career or job" [2]


I think you should improve the organization of the introduction. The highlighted sentence includes the points that you discussed them in the body. In fact, you argued each point in one paragraph. This is great, but there is a very very important problem herein. U should move the red color sentence to the end of the introduction because it is a BLUEPRINT. In fact this sentence connects the introduction to the body. U should always write the blueprint as the last sentence of the introduction. For more information about "BLUEPRINT" u can google it or you can find it in the book entitled "The Practical Writer With Reading".

Regards
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]


yes, it is true, but the question is :"HOW?"

Essays / Gender Role in the new times - Essay start help [9]

Hi,
I found some websites that u can find very good ideas in each of them.

goddesswithin.com.au/documents/ChangingRoleOfWomen.pdf

bookrags.com/essay-2005/5/23/231755/036

wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_role_of_woman_in_the_past

Writing Feedback / Where do communal responsibility and individual responsibility begin and end? [6]


Do not start the sentence with BECAUSE.


I think the words "therefore", "Thus", and the like are better than "so"; they are more formal.

Good luck
Ahmad

Research Papers / Interpersonal Effectiveness; 4 Different Categories [2]


Why did you repeat this term throughout the essay?


What is the thesis statement. You started the introduction with the different types of interpersonal effectiveness, then you gave a definition and finally you talked about the things that affect it. Connect these issues to each other and clearly mention what is the main idea of the essay. What issues are going to be discussed in the body?.

I think it would be better to open the introduction with the definition of interpersonal effectiveness because it gives some general information about what your are going to say through next sentences.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Spending a semester in a foreign university (GRE Issue Essay) [4]


I think the content is good. U provided some good examples, but there is an important thing that u should pay attention to. At the introduction u stated that you agree with the topic, but u wrote only one paragraph about the reasons why you are in agreement with the statement. Try to write two or three paragraphs about your opinion (agree or disagree) to convince your reader. Furthermore, It would be better to take one position, either agree or disagree, and u do not need to write about both sides. Another important point is that u should write about one specific issue in each paragraph. In the second paragraph of the essay u talked about a wide range of advantages that studying abroad could proved a student. I think u should divide the second paragraph to several paragraphs and at each one explain one advantage.

Writing Feedback / Spending a semester in a foreign university (GRE Issue Essay) [4]


The introduction is not appropriate at all. U should open the introduction with a motivator. Write an interesting statement at the beginning of the essay. A motivator can be a "quotation", "Proverb", "statistics", "Story", "historical event", "question", etc. Then write the thesis statement. What is the main idea of the essay? Reword the topic as the thesis statement. Give your opinion and finally write a blueprint.

students would require to take crucial decisions as well as do your personal work yourself(revise the highlighted words. The subject is "students" but you used "your" and "yourself" which are wrong)


This example is good, but if you want to write an excellent example you should add some more details to the example. For instance if you give the name of a care company it may become more tangible and believable.

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / 'even more equipped' - Physician Assistant Narrative on CASPA [4]

Why have you drawn to this field? There is no connection between the first sentence and the second one. U started the introduction with the fact that you like health care, then you talked about your educational/professional back ground. I think you should rewrite the introduction. Open the introduction with an attractive sentence and try to make a relationship between statements.

Try to use transitions to improve the coherence of the essay. U wrote some information about yourself one by one without the use of transitions. In fact, the unity of the essay is poor and it seems like a train which moves forward with no stop.

Regards
Ahmad

Essays / Gender Role in the new times - Essay start help [9]

Hi,
Introduction
the topic is not too hard and many psychologists and sociologists have focused on this issue through last few years. U should open the introduction with a motivator. The motivator can be a historical event or the roles of men and women in society changing. People love the history because it is something like story. Or u can open the first paragraph with a personal experience. Statistic is another option. Talk about the the number of men and women who work today and compare it with last centuries.

Then u need to writ a thesis statement. What are you going to discuss in the essay? What is the main idea of the essay? answer these questions as a thesis statement in the introduction.

The next step is a blueprint. Write a sentence to connect the introduction to the body. What issues are you going to argue in the body? the answer of this question is a blueprint. It can be the role of gender in political, social, and psychological issues.

Body :(explain the issues that u mentioned as blueprint. For example: in the first paragraph write how men and women contribute to political problems. In the nex paragraph write about civic roles of men and women, and so on.

Conclusion : Reword the introduction and briefly state the main points that u discussed throughout the essay. , then write a clincher.

Regards
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I am waiting for the outcomes of the universities that I applied for. I hope to get admissions in the near future. However, getting visa is another story. These days getting visa, especially for Iranian, has become too hard.

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I studied for all my life. In fact, I invested my life in studying. I could get an M.Sc degree two years ago and I could publish several articles in the journals with good reputation. When I publish a paper it makes me happy, but u cannot live with such things. I think what I did in my life was wasting time, and what I could achieve was useless.

Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

The essay was a wonderful work. If you want to reduce the number of words you should decrease some details of the story. U tried to describe anything accurately. This is a good point for writing but u have word limitation and for this purpose u should delete some sentences. I wrote my suggestions below :

u can make the conversation a little shorter. U can delete some sentences that u think they are not necessary. Nice story, though.


This statement that I quoted is OK, but as u should make the essay shorter I think you can combine two highlighted sentences as one single sentence. In both sentences you are talking about this fact that U did not know what to do.



These details are really good and the reader can completely imagine the situation , but if you want to decrease the number of words u can make all of these details as one short sentence. For example u can just mention that your hand was injured.

Hope this helps

Regards
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]


:-D I'll try

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

U talked about MONEY. Money is everything my friend. "Money talks B.S walks", I really agree with this statement. Without money you have nothing: no friend, no relationship, no respect, no FUTURE. This is the real meaning of this ridiculous world. Nobody considers your abilities, the only important thing is Money. I heard a song in Farsi that I translated it as follows:

"The world is turning not because of gravity, but this is money that causes the earth's rotation" :))

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

despite the wide agreement that authority; refers to the government institutions in this essay; havehas (this refers to "authority") an obvious intent ofon fostering society's well-being

Your introduction is great, but there is a problem in the organization of it. You started the introduction with a good motivator/general background. After that, u should rewrite the topic (thesis statement) and then give your opinion. In fact, the main idea of the topic is that "Can the questioning authority improve a society in various facets?". U wrote this point at the end of the introduction. In my opinion it would be better to write the different parts of the introduction in the order that I wrote below:

1) Motivator; 2) Thesis statement(What is the main idea of the essay); 3) your opinion; 4) Blueprint


How will the questioning authority jeopardize such issues that u stated above? U did not support this statement.


U tried to support your words by a quotation from Gandhi, but it is not clear. What type of change do you mean? Make it apparent.

Good job

Hope the comments be useful
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

wow, you are too young. I wish u luck. U know, sometimes the hard conditions in life may become intolerable, sometimes you may want to escape from what you really are. I am a human, and just like other people I have some good days and some bad days. But, the fact is that the world is turning and we should live, as u said.

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Can I ask you something? How old are? what do you do ? and What is your major? You talked like psychologists:)

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I will try to pull myself together and think positively. Thank you for your valuable, helpful words. U made my day :)))))

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I think I need to get some rest. May be I should travel to a place to put my mind in peace. U know, I work hard all days from 7AM to 7 PM without any free time. I think this is the reason why I cannot think positively, I am tired :(. What do you think?

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

Thank you for your great words. I had a hard life, full of difficulties. I tried to make my life better, but nothing was changed. What do you feel when you work hard, but nothing is obtained. This is so sad. When I look at all the things that I did for a better life, it makes me disappointed since I could not achieve a considerable thing.

Writing Feedback / 'transporting goods on railway and pipeline' IELTS [4]


this is not an appropriate sentence for expressing general trend. Write it clearly.


do not use this, because the examiner who reviews your work doesn't have the question booklet and he/she cannot see a graphs/tables/etc

U should compare the information given in the graph. u did not consider this imperative thing in the essay.

Good luck
Ahmad

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

I'm 27. I am a hard working person, but sometimes you cannot change your life. This is my destiny and I cannot change it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1: Percentage of UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet [2]

Hi,
the essay contains 148 words, while u should write at least 150 words. However, I think the essay is good and the low number of the words can be attributed to this fact that the graph reveals few data. In a real test, it is given more than just one line-graph and in the most of the times u should write about two or even three different graphs, pie-charts, table or a mixture of them. Well done.

U should add two main points to the introduction. 1) time: you should write that the data have been collected over which years. 2) General trend


;


Use different ways for reporting data. For example u can write: "it reached a peak ...", "it dramatically decreased to xx% in 19xx", "the graph shows a three-fold reduction in the percentage of vegetarian people in 19xx compared to 19xx".

Try to compare the results in the different years. It is not enough to just write about increase or decrease in something. COMPARISON is very very very important in the IELTS writing task one.

.. gradually increased gradually until 1980

didn't ateeat meat dipped


Which two years? mention it.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'becoming an architect' - Georgia Tech Admission small essay [2]

U should use some transitional words and terms to connect the sentences. U stated your experiences one after another without considering the coherency of the sentences.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] - Topic:international organisations should provide technology [5]


It would be better to mention your reasons through some words.

Based on the aboveAccording to what was sated above , technology support is more necessary than financial support.


U stated good points with suitable examples, but there is only one thing that I think u should consider it. In one or two sentences you could write why financial aid cannot provide the advantages that u mentioned for other types of helps.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'money is much important' - The Main reason people go to work is to earn money [6]

Hi, Thank you for your kind words about me.

As a conclusion, in the 21st century money ismuch important(it is important for what?? and most of people are looking for best salary to follow the pace of life demands. I think it is better for everyone to start his life in a highsalary job,(repetition) while working in a place that fit his or her interests can be achieved later.

You should work on grammar and try to use suitable sentences with stronger structures. I think, reading some story books can familiarize you with good sentences' structures and vocabulary. It also improves your reading ability.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'dependant on computers and technology' - past circumstances and major choice [7]

yes it is true, but what Bwang13 wrote was correct too. I made a mistake in the last post. The preposition of "spend" is "on". I spend my money on Sth.

Undergraduate / 'dependant on computers and technology' - past circumstances and major choice [7]



The preposition used for both "spend" and "accustomed" is "to". check the following terms in your dictionary: Spend something on something; Be accustomed to (doing)something

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "our" city, bank and school district - Causal Essay, English 101 [4]


My mistake. It was just a misunderstanding. I'm sorry. I read the rest of the passage and I got your point. By the way, I still think the first two paragraphs should be combined and make them as one because they are revolving around the same thing.

Essays / What I would tell America's Founding Fathers... essay 300-400 words - how to start? [16]


Exactly. This is what I suggested Carlos Zhu previously. I think you can make your discussion more attractive, if take a critical look at the issue. As Kaylie said, compare what founding father expected and what the authorities and government are doing now. Consider various aspects such as poverty, freedom, employment, wars, etc.

Hope this helps
Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "our" city, bank and school district - Causal Essay, English 101 [4]

Hi, I read the first three paragraphs and I really liked your essay and your writing style. However, I think in the second paragraph you are repeating yourself. The same problems were stated in the first paragraph (u cannot read, u cannot communicate with nobody, anything sounds strange for you). I, as a reader, could understand that you are a person who grew up in a foreign country, and now you are walking in the streets of your original country. So, u do not need to repeat this issue. This is just my opinion

Great job.

Good luck
Ahmad

Undergraduate / today most of the young children use mobile phone ,what is your opinion? [4]


If the topic is an "agree or disagree" type you should clearly mention your opinion at the end of the introduction, but if the topic is another type it would be better to state your opinion in the conclusion. In general, in a conclusion you should reword the topic at first, then give your opinion and write an ending statement.

Regards
Ahmad

Essays / I'm going to sit speaking test for muet... how to write essay effectively? [9]


If you want to improve your writing you should write and practice. Write an essay and put it here, then other students and moderators will review you work. The comments that people put on your essay will familiarize you with grammar errors, the true structure of an essay, and the use of appropriate words in different contexts.

Moreover, there are many different writing books and websites that u can use for improving your writing skills.

Good luck

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]

In our lifelives , there are many events or new stories thatmay happen minute by minute.each hour.But(do not start a sentence with "BUT")However, only whata small number of such events can affect us the most and change our lives, is important. Recently, the one that hasdramaticallyaffected(use synonym like "influence")me the most is about a woman fighting lung cancer.(Revise the structure of this sentence. It is hard to understand. U can write it in this way :"I recently met a woman who was fighting with lung cancer. This essay is about the effect of that woman on my life and the way that she could influence me") This story teachestaught (this event happened at the past, so you should use past tens) me efficiently and showed me how life is valuable and left a great influence on me.

To begin with, this story is about a woman who is diagnosed with lung cancer(u stated this in the introduction, so do not repeat yourself.) . She encouraged herself and her family to be optimistic and declinedshe never thought that her diseases could not be treated (u can use the word "incurable disease") . She was tring to spend most of her time with her family and enjoying her life (Here u should add some sentences to show how these observations could influence u. For example u can talk about the concept of "hope" here ) .

Moreover, she was a sociable person and she was chatting/communicating withdoes much charitable works to other people. Despite of her pain she iswas so lively and believeds that life is too short and human life is valuable because each single person is not replaceable (why did she think like this? Again, how her attitude toward life could affect u? explain and support it) .

All in all, (reword the topic at first) I greatly appreciate this woman who could change my attitude toward the world and life . Indirectly, she indirectly taught me a valuable lesson: there are situations in life that may rarely happenare hard to undergo , but nothing is impossible as long as we try to(I could not understand this sentence????)

U should improve your information about the structure of an essay. Each essay has three main parts: 1) introduction (Motivator+thesis statement+your opinion (if the topic be an "agree or disagree" type+blue print); 2) Body: Write two or three paragraphs to discuss the topic. Each paragraph starts with a topic sentence. Then u should support the topic sentence with examples, statistics, quotations, researches' results,etc. 3) conclusion: Reword the topic or the first paragraph+clincher (ending statement)

If you have any question about the structure that I wrote above, please ask me. I would be happy if I could help u.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]


Yes, of course, Rewrite it and put it in this thread. Shirin can I ask you something? Are you an Iranian??

Writing Feedback / 'acceptable solutions for global village' - IELTS-Globalisation [5]

Globalization ishasbecome a commonly used t] termword in the twentieth century (U can write the sentence in this way:"Globalization is a word which is commonly used in the contemporary century") . Because of globalization many things are adjusting and the world is becoming combined economically, socially and politically through, resulting in the assistance of technology and communication. Some people argue that globalization has a fundamentally beneficial influence on our lives, while others believe that it has a lot of badnegative effects on us. For better understanding of the globalization's effects both its positive and negative aspects should be viewed and discussed [Write a sentence to connect the introduction to the body (it is called Blueprint)]

Firstly, since the globalization is occurring, it has contributed to the world's economy with the beneficial ways, especially, the changes which happened in technology have allowed businesses to easily cross the boundaries(this sentence is too long and vague. Revise it. U should use better grammar .) . (how does it cause to technology cross the borders? Support it) Consequently, companies and factories are paying attention to generate goods which has a great quality (Support the topic sentence. Give examples, statistics, etc, to support what u claim in a paragraph) .

Good luck
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'experience in health care prior to a PA' - motivation towards becoming a PA [11]


News is an uncountable noun, not a plural word.

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]


I am sure that u can get a good score in the test, if you work hard. I remember that about two years ago, I could not write even one correct sentence. "Practice" is the key factor for getting better at writing.