Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should people take care of others_Discuss? [9]


The easiest way for writing a clincher is a prediction. For example:" If governments urge themselves to help both their own people and the individuals from other countries, the world will be a better place for living".

OR
"Nevertheless, different people have different attitudes toward the issue and it seems that they will not reach an agreement in the future" :D

U can write a question: However, there is still this question that "Which policy should governments an authorities take and which one is really true?". More investigations on the different aspects of this question may answer it in the future.

Do you think these clinchers are appropriate?

Book Reports / I need help with my first English Lit essay (The Great Gatsby & the American dream) [4]


The answer is NO. As I told you a blueprint is something like the outline of the body and it also can be considered as the support of the thesis statement. In fact, it shows that what issues is going to be argued in each paragraph of the body. Pay attention to the introduction that I wrote below (I mentioned different parts of it) (The first sentence of the introduction has been written in the website "soc.ucsb.edu/faculty/baldwin/classes/soc142/scznDEF.html":

Socialization is the process by which children and adults learn from others. We begin learning from others during the early days of life; and most people continue their social learning all through life (unless some mental or physical disability slows or stops the learning process) (Motivator and general back ground. The writer of this introduction tried to open the introduction with the definition of socialization) . There are different elements that can influence socialization process (Thesis statement: the essay is going to focus on the factors which affect the process) . However, sociologists have classified all these effective factors into four main categories of the family, schooling, peer groups, and media (Blueprint: these four elements will be discussed in the body. In fact, the first paragraph of the body is allocated to the role of family, the second paragraph to schooling, and so on) .

Hope this helps
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS - REWRITE - Public libraries should not provide books only [4]

U should clearly mention your opinion and it would be better to write the reasons of your opinion (agree or disagree).


U do not need to open the paragraph with this statement. In the introduction u stated your opinion and the reader can find out the body is in basis of your idea. Start the paragraph with an attractive and clear topic sentence.


regardless of ...


The verb "help" refers to "resources" which is a plural word, so u need to use the verb without the third person "s"


Why do you think that they should do that?? Why do you think that such activities are negative and should be decreased? Explain your opinion apparently and support it.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS-people who have original ideas... (scientists and innovators) [2]

For an "agree and disagree" topic, an introduction should have four main parts :1) Motivator: use interesting opening sentence to attract the attention of a reader. A motivator should also give some general information about what the topic asks; 2) Reword the topic to give some specific information about the essay; 3) Write your opinion; 4) Blueprint:mention the reasons of the position that u have taken (Through several words)

In the introduction that u wrote, u just stated your opinion.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]


Yes, this is better than the first one. In this way a reader can easily get your opinion and he/she does not need to analyze the sentences to understand your idea.

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]


It would be better to write "in my opinion", "From my perspective" and the like, to show this is your opinion. I did not get that this is your idea. U should write your opinion clearly

In addition, you should mention the reasons of the position that u have taken.

Writing Feedback / "my aunt's weeding" - recent news story affected you the most? [14]


Why did you write my name above?? :D This is not my essay !!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should people take care of others_Discuss? [9]


An introduction has three main parts :1) Motivator/General background: Start the introduction with an attractive statement which gives some general information about the topic; 2) Thesis statement: This is what you wrote. Thesis statement gives the main idea of the essay and for writing that you should reword the topic; 3) Blueprint: What is going to be discussed in the body. Blueprint connects the introduction to the body. It is similar to neck which connects your head to your body :D.

In fact what you wrote as an introduction just included the second part (Thesis statement)


In this type of topic, you should write the conclusion as follows:
1) Restate the topic; 2) Give your opinion; 3) clincher (ending statement)

Hope this helps
Good luck
Ahmad

Graduate / 'Energetic and philanthropic' - goal statement, george mason university [3]

I think it is not appropriate to start the introduction with some statements about the university. U should begin with some interesting statements. It would be better to write about what encourages you to study and then talk about the academic atmosphere and the facilities of the university. I think you should write about the university in the body and after stating your educational and professional experiences. After stating such experiences you can connect them to the university and the reasons why you chose this place for studying.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

At the end of the introduction you should clearly mention your opinion; Agree or disagree. Then state the reasons why you agree or disagree with the statement. This part of the introduction is called Blueprint which shows what issues are going to be argued in the essay and , in fact, it is an outline of the body.

they have to focus foron larger areas


What is the relationship between this paragraph and the topic?

Add a summary at the end of each paragraph.

Such partialities are attributed to unequal dissemination of services

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:Growing violence in films has affected youngsters in a negative way? [10]


I did not say it is wrong, but I mean in writing all words should completely be written. a writer should not use "we're", "it's", "I'm", and the like.

Writing Feedback / (Music Choice / Pop Parade) IELTS COMPARISON OF TWO NEW MUSIC SITES [6]


:) OK then, u do not need to writ a conclusion:D. However, I believe a conclusion makes the essay stronger and in this way u can impress an examiner (as a result of better and stronger structure and organization). There is a difference between conclusion and a general trend. It would be better to write the general trend at the end of the introduction, but a conclusion is different. I recommend u to take a look at the samples of the Cambridge books (1 to 8), and then u will see that all of them have conclusions at the end which are different from general trends. For example, imagine a graph that compare the income of people in some European and Asian countries. As a general trend a writer can mention that " the results show that people who live in Germany can earn highest amount of income compared to other studied countries". However, as a conclusion it can be written that :"the level of income in developing countries is considerably lower than that in developed countries.". In fact, u cannot come to this conclusion before giving some data in the body. This is the main difference between a general trend and a conclusion (for writing a conclusion u need to give some results and information in the body)

Writing Feedback / (Music Choice / Pop Parade) IELTS COMPARISON OF TWO NEW MUSIC SITES [6]


An overview or conclusion, what's the difference? The aim of a conclusion or an overview is that to show the essay has mainly focused on what results and also to show the final paragraph of the essay.

Undergraduate / 'College, my second home' - Transfer admissions essay to Stanford [3]

As a child, I was forced to see my mother struggle to support my sister and me. I watched that my mother had to do very difficult jobsmy motherwork a series of odd job, rangingthat ranged from a cashier at a fast food restaurant to a maid at a motel. I had to watch my mother, thea woman that I love so deeply, get treated like she was worthless.


It is not a good sentence because Stanford is not you partner to fall in love with it.


What do u exactly need?

I looked forward to theget a chance to apply to the research honors track within the Department of Political Science because my current university does not offer thean opportunity to participate in an honors program that is specifically geared towards my major. I also looked forward(use another phrase. for example "seek") to thea chance to assist a professor with his research and study abroad at one of Stanford's overseas campuses.

I think you should work on the organization of the information that you have provided in the essay. I focus on the body. First talk about your educational and professional experiences. Then in the second part of the body connect these experiences to the Stanford University. Why do you want to apply to this university? u can answer this question through two separate paragraphs. In one paragraph write about the academic atmosphere and facilities of the university and in another one talk about campus and other features of the university.

Hope the comments help

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / 'learning more on computers and future' motivation letter for ms computer science [2]

Hi,
There are lots of samples and guidelines for writing a great SOP in the internet. U need to google "statement of purpose" and then u can find many different websites which can be helpful in this respect. Moreover, u can find many other samples in this forum that may help u to write a SOP.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / The skill of writing letters will disappear completely - do you agree? [2]

Mobile phones and computers , which are accompanied by thea considerable development ofin technology, have today become two dominant communication tools. However, this fact ismay also linkedcontribute to the disappearance of writing letters day by day, causing many debates(what kind of debate? it is not clear.The topic stated the skill of writing and you should also mention this issue in the introduction. You should apparently write the thesis statement of the essay) . In my opinion, such worries are generally logic (Why?? write the reasons of your opinion briefly) .

Regards
Ahmad

Book Reports / I need help with my first English Lit essay (The Great Gatsby & the American dream) [4]


What you wrote as introduction was really good, but there is only on thing that I think you should add to it. At the end of an introduction u should mention that what issues are going to be discussed in the body. This part of the introduction is called "Blueprint". In fact, a blueprint is the outline of the essay.

I personally liked the second introduction because it was more related to the topic.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:Growing violence in films has affected youngsters in a negative way? [10]


Do not use "&" in writing.


Do not use contractions.



I think the use of the term "role model" is better than "child's favorite".


Behavior is an uncountable noun, so u cannot write it in plural form.


"effect" is a noun and u cannot use it as a verb. So u should replace it with "affect", "influence", or "impact.


U should elaborate on this paragraph. What negative effects? How can such scenes affect children?

the study of youngsters shall always beenshould always be controlled


I think u should revise these two sentences and write them as one single sentence with a better structure


Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


I do not know because I did not download it. I bought it from a book store:)

Writing Feedback / Employee should have chance to select their retirement age [6]


I start with the differences between the concepts of "coherence" and "cohesion" in writing. "Coherence" refers to a reasonable relationship between sentences. For this purpose, you should use good transitional terms, and related examples as supporting sentences. "cohesion" refers to the ideas' connection. For providing a good relationships among your ideas you should organize your essay before writing it. I have written some templates for different types of topics that may help you to improve the cohesion and organization of your essay.

Type1: Agree or Disagree
Introduction: (Motivator/General back ground; Thesis statement/reword the topic; Your opinion (Agree or Disagree); Blueprint)
Body: Explain your opinion (agree or disagree) through two or three paragraphs. Use statistics, examples, quotations, researches' results, etc, for supporting the topic sentence of each paragraph.

Conclusion: (Reword the first paragraph or the topic + clincher(ending statement))

Type 2: Multiple questions:
Introduction: (Motivator/General back ground; Thesis statement/reword the topic; Blueprint)
Body: First paragraph (Answer the first question which is asked in the topic)
Second paragraph (Answer the second question which is asked in the topic)
Conclusion: (Reword the first paragraph or the topic +Give your opinion+ clincher(ending statement))

Type 3: Advantages and disadvantages
The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but in the body you should write one paragraph for advantages and one para. for disadvantages. It would be better to compare them in the third paragraph of the body.

Type 4: Cause and effect:
The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but the body is different. You can choose on of the following ways for writing the body : 1) in each paragraph write a cause of an issue and its effects. In fact, you should write one cause and one effect in each paragraph; 2) write one paragraph about causes and one para. about effects.

Type 5: A Problem and Solutions
The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but in the body you should allocate one paragraph to the problem stated in the topic and write another paragraph for suggesting some solutions.

Regards
Ahmad

The introduction and conclusion in this type is similar to type 2 but in

Writing Feedback / Employee should have chance to select their retirement age [6]

Today, in the mostmany countries , the idea for retirement age is raising. But(do not start a sentence with "BUT") there are many factors to beshould be considered and discussed about an appropriate retirement age. Personally, I think the government should discard mandatory retirement. In this essay I will analyzeses the issue in details (As I suggest other people in this forum, it would be better to write the reasons of your opinion. This reasons should be written through several words. In this way you can show that the body will encompass what issues. For more information you can google "blueprint in writing essay" to get my point. A "Blueprint", in fact, is the outline of the body) .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Australia :)).

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


That's great that I am not the only person in this forum whose major is Material science.


This is a good advice, but I think if I do that the sentence may become too long and hard to understand.

Thanks Shi Lu for your suggestions.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Hey, That is interesting for me that you are working on Magnesium alloys, too. I have got a M.Sc degree from the University of Tehran in 2010. I have applied for several universities and I am waiting for the results, now. I could not write the aim and detail of my work here because this work has not been published yet, and I did not want to write about my ideas and the novelty of the work in a public forum. Thanks again for your comment.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / ibt- 'honesty is better than lying all the time' [3]

Hi,

I disagree that it is impossible for us being always honest with our friendsalways . Because I think honesty is the best policy all the time. As I have seen in my around, lying can get people in trouble. MoreoverW hen we say a lie, we would have to lie again and again. In addition, if our friends understandswhichthat we have lain to themher , sheyou will lose hertheirreliancetrust and it can ruin friendship (Open the introduction with a motivator and give some attractive, general information about the topic. Give your opinion at the end of the introduction because you are going to support your opinion in the body and in this way you can connect the introduction to the body.) .

First of all, honesty is the best policy(Repetition!!) for all human beings. Honesty makes us reliable for other people and especially our friends. I, myself choose honest(use synonym) people as friend. Because(Do not start a sentence with "BECAUSE") I can trust in them and confide my problems to them my problems and thenthus I would be sure that they can help me or criticize me truthfully. The best example of such a person is my best friend. She is an honest (Repetition!!) person. She has never said a lie to me and this characteristic has caused me to rely on her and when I face a dilemma, I get her help comfortably (add a closing statement at the end of the paragraph (Restate the topic sentence)) .

Improve your vocabulary and try to use the sentences with different structures. Repetition is another problem of the essay that u must avoid it.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefits of online shopping over traditional off-line market [7]

Due to the development of the internet technology, on-line transactions online have exploded in many countries throughout the world. (u should connect the first and the second sentences. For example: "The high popularity and great development of the on-line shopping over the last decades can be attributed to its three main advantages over the off-line..." Online shopping has three advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

And some sentences you suggested are very helpful. I found subtle but important differences like
choosing a word "rare", to go abroad "with intent" to... and so on. Many thoughts have passed such as
"What I need to do for these subtle differences" and questions like "how can I achieve that". Surely it will take much time.

I think u should read different texts with different subjects in order to get the differences between words and find the applications of the words in various contexts. Of course it takes time.

Surely online shopping provides comprehensiveness of the products.---> lets look at what u stated in the paragraph one more time. Two main points were mentioned in this paragraph: 1) Transportation; 2) Some special goods that are found just in some specific countries. In fact the second idea is known as "Foreign trade". So, the summary should consist of these two points. For instance :"As a result, on-line shopping not only could raise the problem of transportation of goods, but also it could positively affect the foreign trade all across the world."

Writing Feedback / 'unnecessory and unethical' - DEATH PENALTY ESSENTAL OR NOT? [7]


I mean you should use the sentences with appropriate and intricate grammar. Try to use a wide range of grammar structures to show your ability for using various structures. Of course, you should use both simple and complex sentences and what I said was about some sentences throughout the essay, not all the sentences. As some examples of a complex sentence I can mention the structure of "not only..., but also..", or the use of the sentences which consist of the words "Although", "even though" and the like. The use of "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" in one sentence can be another example of a complex sentence.

Hope this answers your question

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]


Thanks for your comment. An introduction for a journal paper has three main parts: 1) theories; 2) review of the literature; 3) The aim and novelty of the work.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefits of online shopping over traditional off-line market [7]


The introduction still doesn't have a motivator. Try to revise the introduction. Each introduction should have the following structure :
A. Motivator/General background, B. Reword the topic; C. Give your opinion; D. Blueprint.


Do not use "as u can see". As an example u can write the following sentence as a conclusion at the end of the paragraph:" Therefore, on-line shopping gives an opportunity to a purchaser to find his/her favorite product among an extensive range of goods just in a short time as long as a minute"

For example, online shopping allows buyers who want to purchaseorderthe products which are rarenot available in their countries and thus they do not need toto order easily without goinggo abroad with intent to purchase such products . Furthermore, we can quickly seek out a product whatthat we want on the internet because of a few bargain websites like Ebay and numerous information-rich websites. Surely online shopping provides a wide selection of products(This closing statement doesn't give a summary of the paragraph. Try to point out the main idea of the paragraph. ) .

In conclusion, accessibility, price, and wide selection are three benefits of online shopping. [Yes u need a transitional term here) (transition "therefore" needed?) It is clear that everyone can use such advantages if the information of people about on-line shopping increases.online shopping can have some great benefits for everyone.(Try to end the conclusion with an ending statement called clincher, which can be a "question", "prediction", description", "quotation", etc)

Good luck
Ahmad

Scholarship / Need your assistance - (reasons for receiving the scholarship) [7]

Hi, you should write about your interests and your research area. Why you want to do a research through the offered post-doc position. U can also write about the university that you are going to apply for. How did u become familiar with this university? Why did u choose this university? Talk about the facilities and academic atmosphere of the university. U can also talk about your educational and professional experiences and connect them to the post-doc position.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / GREW issue topic:law to protect remaining wilderness against economic gain [2]


I could not understand that which paragraph was the introduction, but I thought what I quoted above was the introduction. In the introduction you should state your opinion at the end of it because you are going to support your opinion (agree or disagree) in the body. Therefore, if you mention your opinion at the end of the introduction a better coherency may be provided between the introduction and the body.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / FAST FOOD has many good effects on population? [9]


Do not copy the topic

because of some harmful effects that fast foods may have on health fast food may have

However thethis ascending trend in the number of such restaurantsincrease has many good influences on population. In my opinion, I'm(do not use contractions) sided with these positive attitudes toward fast foods and fast food restaurants. (It would be better to add the reasons why u have a positive attitude toward fast food. Just write the reasons through several words)

One of the main benefits associated with the increase (in what?) is that people can save more money and time asthe more fast food restaurants are opened that is why more time and money people can save


U do not need to use the statement "What has been discussed above has my point of view that" in the conclusion. Firstly, you should reword the topic or the introduction and then write a clincher (ending statement).

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing-international organisations should provide poor countries [6]


The introduction was great and I liked it. I think this sentence, that I quoted above, is also good for expressing your idea. I think it would be better to add the reasons why you think like that. Note: If you want to add the reasons, you should write them through several words and do not explain them. For instance you can add this sentence :"...because of poverty and education issues."

Hope this helps.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Some items such as clothes or furniture can be made by hand or by machine? [3]

Hi,
The essay contains only 237 words, while u should write at least 250 words. This is the main problem of the essay.

The Industrial Revolution marked a major turning point in history. Since then manufacture has played an important role and gradually replaced handicrafts because items made by machines have lower price and more sustained high quality than hand made one(u can talk about this in the body) . Hence in my opinion manufactured products is a better choice in comparison with the same things which are hand made by hand .

Being manufactured, goods have very competitive price because machines can produce fast and continuously which can save time and labour("workforce" is a better word in this context) . Take Chinese silk made by hand and silk sew by machine for example, Chinese silk have sky-high price. In the massive inflation nowadays where almost people have to budget carefully, items made by machine are more preferredpreferable than handicraft ones.

Another factor which makes manufactured products be a wise choice for consumers is their sustained high quality. These items are produced by those which based on the same technology, even the same machine; therefore, there is no difference in the products' quality. Whereas handmade ones, though having to meet a certain standard, are still influenced by many outside factors such as different makers' levels of skills or producing conditions (add a summary at the end of this paragraph) .

(Write a term like "in conclusion" to show this is the final paragraph. At the beginning reword the topic and then write rest of the conclusion) In view of what I mentioned above, I suggest that we should choose manufactured products because of the high inflation rate in the today's modern worldin the circumstance of inflation nowadays . However if you are thea person who are not influenced by varieties inofgoods' price or quality and are interested in handicraft items you should choose what you want.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Essay: Poverty problem may invite various detrimental effects [7]


I am not an examiner and I can not score your work. Do not think about the score, just work on vocabulary and grammar and I think if you improve them u can get a good mark

Writing Feedback / Essay: Poverty problem may invite various detrimental effects [7]

Hi,
I think the score of this essay would be less than 6.5 because of the following reasons: 1) Grammar: the essay consists of many grammatical errors. 2) Vocabulary: U did not use strong words. 3) Complex sentences: U tried to use complex sentences, but u did not use suitable structures for them and in most of the cases they were hard to understand; 4) Organization: U did not show the essay is going to discuss what issues. In addition, U did not open the paragraphs with apparent and attractive statements.

Writing Feedback / 'unnecessory and unethical' - DEATH PENALTY ESSENTAL OR NOT? [7]


The answer is NO. A complex sentence should have a strong structure, but it shouldn't be too long. If a sentence be too long, it may become hard for a reader to understand it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT -- should governments be responsible to help the unemployed and homeless [4]

Hi,
The essay has some issues; 1) you did not write about homeless people and you just focused on employment. 2) the supporting sentences were not good enough to make the discussion clear. 3) The words that you used were not strong enough and you should have used better vocabulary.

Therefore, I think it is unlikely that the essay get the band score of 7 :(((. By the way, everything depends on the examiner who review your work, he/she may like your essay. Do not think about the score, just wait and enjoy your free time now:))).

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]


Thank you very much for the correction :))

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]

Yes, it looks fine. I have a suggestion. How about this one:

"In conclusion, the advantages of large cities could draw many rural people to the cities every years. Therefore, it is necessary to find the roots of such migrations and find some solutions. If authorities and governments do nothing about this problem, the countrysides and rural places will change into the areas free of inhabitants."