Undergraduate / Coffee seed, coffee tree and Starbucks - Common apps: topic of your choice [7]

I love the creativity of this essay and the vivid details in the narrative.

Every day , he enjoyed having fun with jackfruit seeds and cashew nuts in a small house near a paddie field.

Who am I? Am I a Vietnamese? Am I a Singaporean? An applicant to [college]? The coffee seed, the coffee tree and the trip to Starbucks symbolize my Vietnamese childhood, how my education in Singapore has allowed me room to grow as a person, and my decision to study in America.

Undergraduate / "Why I want to major in economics?" - uc personal statement - prompt # 1 [4]

You must always place an article before "economy" e.g., "the economy" or "a healthy economy."

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]


I think so. Let's see what others have to say. Reactions to creative writing are so subjective! That's why creative writing is often taught via the workshop method, where each student gets feedback from several other aspiring writers, much as forum members get feedback here.

Writing Feedback / Access to information about the defendant criminal record - Ielts writing task [8]

In order to bring your conclusion in line with your arguments, you might suggest that information about a defendant's past record be made available to whoever (judge or jury) is doing the sentencing after conviction.

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

This is a very powerful story. You can cut it down to fit your word limit by saying less about the mechanics of how you came to be working at the day care center and by excising excess words from sentences without sacrificing their meaning. Don't cut any of the story itself, as every element is essential.

For example:
I grew more depressed as the guilt gnawed its way through me;so that soon I was just an empty shell. I couldn't concentrate on schoolwork and found no interest inneglected my friends. To make matters worse, our rent was raised,giving both my mom and Iadding more pressure. I felt more trapped than ever. Eventually, my teachers contacted my mom about my grades. She demanded to know what was going onhappening, but I could not tell her. Instead, I suffered the chastisement silently.

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

No, it's not a grammatical "fail" to use fragments and the like in creative writing, as long as they are used to good effect. I like this little story and wonder what prompted you to write it. I also wonder, not for the first time, if we ought to start a creative writing category for stories and other works of creative writing that aren't quite essays.

Writing Feedback / Offering Incentives - IELTS Essay [14]


"I just bought the groceries" puts the emphasis on "just," meaning very recently.

Example:
"Where have you been?"
"I have just bought the groceries."

"We're out of coffee."
"I can't believe that. I just bought the groceries!"

Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]

You mean "dubious" where you are using "ambiguous."

Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]

This has the potential to be a very gripping beginning. Fix up the grammar, as Liebe suggests, and also tell us the reason you are writing the essay and the prompt you were given, if any.

You are using "allusion" when you mean "illusion."

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]

I'd like to see you start this essay with what is now the title: "I am a bird." Then, carry the metaphor all the way through in as many ways as you can (e.g., references to sky, wings, etc.)

Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]


Is there any student in the world for whom this isn't true? Do you really want to use some of your precious words making such an empty statement? Do you really want to start your essay with such a weak statement?

No! Start with something unique about yourself or your desire to attend UCF. Also, go through the whole piece and change as many of your "is" and "has" sentences to sentences with action verbs.

Scholarship / How to get scholarship to study abroad? (architecture) [7]

The first step will be for you to research what scholarships are available (a) for people in your country to go abroad, and (b) for foreign students at architecture schools you wish to attend. Then, apply. We can help with the essays. Perhaps some forum members will have some ideas for you about the research process or particularly good architecture schools to which to apply.

Scholarship / "Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." Rhodes Scholarship Essay [7]


This doesn't make sense. Do you mean to say that your childhood was not careless but still was good? Say that. "Imprudent" has a very different meaning. Be very careful when using thesaurus words.

Your story is very compelling and is somewhat better organized now. I would start with your desire to pursue your MscR in Water Resources Engineering and stress the environmental applications of that. Then tell your story.

Undergraduate / Major in economics - NYU supplement essay [6]


The point would be to pick somebody very famous -- past or present, real or fictional -- from New York. If, truly, this is your response to that imaginative exercise, then maybe NYU is not for you. Sorry to put it so bluntly. But, you want to go to one of the best schools in the country, a school located in the heart of the nation's most famous metropolis, yet you are so disinterested in the world that you would not want to lunch with even one of the hundreds of famous actors, authors, artists, athletes, politicians, judges, business leaders and -- yes -- economists who are from or have lived in NYC? Or perhaps you are so disinterested in the city and the school that you have not bothered to look up famous New Yorkers (there's a long list on Wikipedia) while thinking about this question? This does not suggest that you are somebody who would make the most of the vibrant opportunities at NYU. Perhaps a smaller, suburban, less competitive school would be better for you.

Book Reports / "the count of monte cristo" - i need help on a thesis paper [4]

For what level of schooling are you writing this paper? Your thesis is fine but simplistic. In the U.S. it would be acceptable for a high school paper, but a college teacher probably would be looking for something more sophisticated.

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Sonnets, Analysis [6]


I'm so glad you did that! It's important to stretch oneself.

Your interpretation was fine up until your misunderstanding of the last couplet. Don't feel bad about that. Shakespeare was not making a joke exactly, but was using a kind of inversion that can be difficult to get.

As for your question about tone, check with your teacher. Since literary criticism inevitably involves interpretation and since one's interpretations are inevitably colored by one's standpoint and history, some teachers allow or even prefer first person. Others are dead-set against it, for some reason preferring you to assert your own perceptions as if they were universal truths.

Undergraduate / Topic to write on (RIC undergrad admission) [5]

What they want to know is what excites you intellectually. What do you wonder about? What would you really like to learn about? How have you demonstrated intellectual curiosity? Tell them why you want to go to college and then medical school rather than, say, trade school for phlebotomy.

Graduate / 'My management team and my prospects' - Baker College Admission Essay for Doctorate [3]

Skip the first line. Go through what you have now, editing ruthlessly to take out anything you don't need. Then answer the all-important questions of why you want a doctorate and what you will do with it.

Undergraduate / The cruel and the heartless/ Significant risk or Ethical dilemma [8]


That's the problem I have with this: You were so young when this happened. I'm guessing that the college would like to read about a more recent (and complex) dilemma or experience.

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

You're off to a good start. The story is unique and the first line certainly does draw the reader into your narrative. I'd like to see you tighten up the narrative, omitting unneeded phrases like "and probably more."

Let our expert editors have at it -- Liebe? Noto? Llamapoop? -- and I'm sure you'll get plenty of suggestions for what to cut.

Essays / Thesis Help: History of race in the South of America [7]

Your second sentence is a fragment.

Is Stories of the Modern South an anthology of writing by 20th century southern writers or a work of literary criticism about those writers? If it is the latter, then your first sentence is phrased correctly. If it is the former, then "depicts" should be "demonstrates."

Essays / British Lit theme essay on Beowulf [6]

Your mistake is to try to just start writing and to start at the beginning. How could you possibly know what to say to introduce the essay if you don't yet know what you will be saying in the essay?

First: Freewrite or brainstorm until you have enough ideas for an essay. Next, organize those ideas into an outline. Next, write a thesis statement. Next, write the body paragraphs. Then, go back and write the introduction and conclusion.

Undergraduate / "How Your Mind Works"; Why I want to major in psychology [5]

It's good that you mention that you are Korean, as this helps to explain why the Cho incident so deeply affected you. (From what I understand, the Korean American community was particularly transfixed by the incident.)

In general, this essay is very strong. I'd like to see you replace trite phrases such as "light in the dark" and "beacon for help" (which are redundant anyway) with your own unique metaphors.

Undergraduate / Topic to write on (RIC undergrad admission) [5]

Tell us the exact prompt as the school has worded it.

Undergraduate / "How on earth did you get interested in opera?" Common app essay (option 4) [9]

No,no, no... Keep it where it is. It is perfectly clear that Das Reingold is the particular work of which you are writing, with opera as the wider topic.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


Once you have left helpful comments for two other forum members, then you can start your own thread with this letter, and we will be happy to give you feedback.

Writing Feedback / The relationship between an organization and environment - essay [9]

The first sentence is awkward, due to the lack of an article in front of "business environment" and the inherent awkwardness of "comprises of." Otherwise, your grammar is quite good.


This makes no sense. Dynamism is a fact. It cannot be overcome.

Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]

Much better! Still very lively but now on point.

Essays / What History Means to Me [6]


Actually, the international genocide conventions that are now part of international law were inspired by the Holocaust and do, in fact, represent new laws against genocide. However, these certainly have not prevented genocide since, although it has tended to be non-industrialized, as in Rwanda in the 1990s.

Writing Feedback / Interacting with the same kind of people in work on a regular basis [10]

I think this is an essay question for one of the standardized tests of English proficiency. And Sean is right: You should brainstorm your own ideas and then try to put them into some sort of order. We can help you after you have done at least that much yourself.

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Look at your application materials. If no maximum is listed, there is no max.

Undergraduate / "How on earth did you get interested in opera?" Common app essay (option 4) [9]

For me, the essay begins to drag with the paragraph that begins "After that first try" and continues to drag through the next paragraph. But let's hear what others think!

Also, in general, avoid empty modifiers like "rather" and "pretty much."

Undergraduate / "decision to change schools" - common app additional info response [3]

I agree. If the focus of this optional essay is your decision to change schools and what you got out of that, stay with that, offering more details.

Essays / What History Means to Me [6]

Who's "we"? Who is asking you to write this essay? Why?

I see that you have a consistent theme here: History means learning from the past, and especially from past mistakes. Some of your examples are apt, but your common cold/vaccinations example makes no sense to me. What do we learn by knowing that people used to die from the common cold (for which there is still no vaccination)?

Avoid slang terms like "coolest" when writing class assignments.

Writing Feedback / Education career. Everyday you deal with kids and their challenging behaviors. Why put up with that? [4]

I'd cut the first paragraph and launch right into the story.

Undergraduate / "been there for my friends" - Transfer essay [5]

I agree. You don't sound selfish at all. You sound like someone who shared herself generously and then, by happenstance, learned what it's like to be on the other side of that.

Graduate / Graduated from Marketing. SOP for masters in Communication [8]

"and such"... "open doors"... "PR executive"... "own business" -- all of these are exceedingly vague.

What, exactly, will you be able to do with the Masters degree that you would not be able to do without it? What, specifically, are you interested in learning? How, precisely, do you intend to put that knowledge to work?

Undergraduate / Green Bay, Help with UC-Berkeley Admission Essay [15]


Here's my problem with this sentence: The story of Adam and Eve is not universal and absolutely does not resonate universally. Virtually all human cultures have some sort of origin story, but the story of Adam and Eve specifically probably would not resonate with someone from a culture who believes that the first people rode up from the underground on the back of a turtle.

In short, your reference to one very specific origin myth contradicts your use of the phrase "universal resonance" later in the sentence.

Apart from that logical contradiction is the problem that Berkeley in particular will be wanting students who have a rudimentary understanding of cultural diversity and will not, for example, assume that everybody resonates to the story of Adam and Eve. Find a way to rephrase your opening so as not to undercut the rest of your essay.

Graduate / Research Exerience and Plans [4]


I would replace this -- which doesn't really say anything -- with a sentence that summarizes the research experience you will be recounting in the remainder of the paragraph.

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]


No, the connection with Vires is not at all clear.