Undergraduate / The moment I laid eyes on my surroundings in Bangladesh, it sparked something inside me. SOP [7]

As reviewer, I would immediately be drawn in by your discussion of the way that the infrastructure in the U.S. has been deteriorating over time and thus, has hampered the growth and developed of the country that was once a world leader.

Start off by discussing the trip you had to Bangladesh and then your realization that while the infrastructure of Bangladesh was in disarray, you could not help but be reminded of the way that the U.S. infrastructure is also deteriorating at a similar pace. Then, when you say that:

Here in the United States, I'm used to dependable and great infrastructure that I didn't realized the impact it brings to society and country. My life's goal became clear to me that I want to become a civil engineer to fulfill my dream and goal of contributing to society.

You can add that you do not want the United States to fall victim to the same infrastructure problems that countries like Bangladesh have. Make the essay all about wanting to first, help the United States improve itself. Since you come from an immigrant family, make sure that you refer to wanting to give back and take care of the country that gave you a chance at a better life. Second, refer to wishing to help Bangladesh as well after you have done your part in the United States. Focusing your ambitions on 2 achievable missions is better than referring to an international ambition that you know you cannot make happen in the future. Focus only on the doable aspects of your future dreams and plans :-)

Graduate / My career in the next 5 years. Oxford MSc Financial Economics Personal Statement [7]

Eloise, I think that the essay will be better and stronger if you skip / delete the paragraph that relates to:

MSc Financial Economics can help me to achieve these goals in many aspects. Academically, its curricula combine theories with application...

The reason that you should not use this part in my opinion is quite clear. The MSc reviewer will be looking for a more real world application of your college level learning instead of taking into account your college level exposure to class projects and such. As an MSc student, you will be expected to have gathered at least a few years of actual work experience in the field before enrolling in advanced studies. More weight is given and considered to your professional experience when compared to your early academic background.

This paragraph in particular also has problems:
Professionally, MSc Financial Economics provides a good transition from academia to work. My teamwork experience in Financial Economics classes has been extremely rewarding, but I did not have many teamwork opportunities at undergraduate level as a Mathematics major and I wish to learn from and contribute to a competitive and collaborative group of peers, and prepare myself for teamwork in future workplace.

Do not degrade yourself or your abilities in any application that you write. What is the sense of applying if you are telling the reviewer that you are lacking in certain aspects that are expected of this kind of student? Instead of propping up your application with positive information, you are actually bringing yourself down a few notches as a student. Don't do that.

Rather than discussing your lack of experience, present instead your experience as an intern during your graduate year. If you lack professional work experience, an internship at a notable organization can usually take its place as you are already immersed in a real world setting and have to deal with problems or situation that, as a professional, you would potentially have to deal with. The way you react to those events during your internship can definitely help increase your chances for consideration.

Undergraduate / 'I saw a future for me at Boston University' - College of Communications - Why BU? [2]

Kerry, consider removing the earlier part of your statement in order to make the tour sound more natuarl in the essay. I would delete the following portion in favor of better building up my tour experience instead:

Walking through the Boston University campus, I forgot to be the model prospective student. Others asked questions and wrote notes while I stayed quiet. Using reviews and rankings as guidance, I developed my preliminary college list junior year from schools for public relations;

The next part that immediately deals with how you allowed the tour to influence your decision making process is a better point to start off the essay with. I have a question though. In the portion where you said :

Placing myself in my tour guide's accounts,

Didn't you really mean to say:

Placing myself in my tour guide's hands,

The above sentence seems more fitting and descriptive of what happened during the tour. The English phrase is "placing myself in (noun) hands..." Unless, you meant to say "Taking into account my tour guide's statements..." I think that particular line is in for some revision.

As for the rest of the essay, I believe that the references you made to the reasons why you chose BU are strong, relevant, and displays a certain amount of analysis in your choice of university. So I would not change those factors anymore. I would use those as is.

Undergraduate / What excites you about Notre Dame - I need your opinions about my application supplement essay [6]

Abdel, like i said, you don't need to use the Latin phrase in the essay unless you are a student of Latin Studies. It doesn't really add anything to the essay if you say something in a tongue other than English. Mainly because you know very well that the reader is an English speaker and will not have any idea as to what the Latin expression means. I would rather that you omit all references to that Latin saying instead.

Deleting it will not have any untoward effect on the paper that you are writing. Instead, it will adversely affect it if you keep the Latin statement in. Rather, I would suggest that you use the now available word count (after yo udelete the latin words and references to it) to explain yourself in English. Using the Latin terms as a basis, develop another statement that you believes relates to the reasons why you are excited about attending ND. You can actually use that particular Latin Statement, in English, to explain why you are extremely excited about attending ND.

Undergraduate / I need help with Stanford Essay What matters most to you? - Democracy [4]

Ahmad, this is not a bad revision of the essay. It just need to sound more academic because there are a number of times when you used slang English words. Those words need to be replaced in order to keep the professional, formal, and respectful tone of your statement. I'll revise those portions for you below:

Undoubtedly, w What matters to me the most is freedom, because since .

... A few years ago, I unwillingly arrived to school 15 mins. minutes late and I was ordered to run around the school playground for about 30 minutes, which lead to me missing my first lesson.

... expecting that she would help or sympathize with me, but instead . Instead I was accused of ...
... Thats Which is why I am infinitely overwhelmed with pride to say that I have contributed, emotionally and physically, in the acclaimed Egyptian Revolution, 25th of January to the internationally acclaimed January 25th Egyptian Revolution. I dauntlessly marched, hand in hand, with multifarious fellow Egyptians who audaciously risked their necks lives for the sake of their beloved country country's democracy, to topple off a dictator, looking forward to a change. Despite the fact that I was merely one amongst millions among many, but I am sure I was one of the factors of that led to the revolution's triumph.

This version is all set to use one you add my suggested revisions :-)

Undergraduate / 'volunteering to distribute christmas gifts' - what will you contribute essay [8]

Lydia, avoid redundancies in your first few lines. The following sentences mean the same thing:

Economics has been always a subject I enjoyed the most since I was young. Practically all my life, I have questioned topics related to unemployment and recession until I fully understand them

You can revise it instead to become tighter and more focused by saying:

Economics has been always a subject I have always enjoyed learning about. That is why I have questioned topics related to unemployment and recession until I fully understand them

Its unique open curriculum would provide me the opportunities to do more independent research that I never was able to do due core requirement of my current college.

- What facilities at the university can help you do this? Mention these specifically.

UBC extensive study abroad programs
- Which program in particular do you want to participate in and why?

Undergraduate / Dan Ariely's book "Predictably Irrational" - UPenn 'interests' essay for college of arts and science [7]

Sanchit, stop trying to insert your theories and concepts about Economics in this essay and just focus your attention the simple matter of the methods by which you will increase your academic and intellectual capacity at the school. Talk about this in general terms. Do not deviate by relating events that happened in a cinema, nor your high school studies. You are making an essay that should not be this long and complicated exactly that. Let me draft a sample response based upon your original work that you can use as a template for your revision. The example I drafted can be finalized on your end for use. Polishing of the grammar and other simple problems will be all that is needed to put the essay into final usable form. I don't suggest adding more information to it because you have a habit of wandering when discussing and bringing in irrelevant topics.

Economics demands practical involvement. That is why I find it imperative to pursue such a practical oriented subject in a university that values the education received outside. UPenn's extra emphasis on primary research is a testament to the practical academic curriculum that it follows. I can't help but to visualize myself on a bright sunny day, distributing my surveys on the Locust Walk to students, who are already very accustomed to such traditions. With its limitless opportunities to get involved in the corporate environment through specialized internship programs, UPenn will be the most suitable architect of the corporate career that I envision.

At UPenn I can undertake a unique opportunity to pursue economics as my major in the college of Arts and Sciences with a minor in Behavioral Economics at the Wharton school. I am particularly interested in Proffesser Rakesh Vohra words "some interesting problems sometimes cut across different disciplines", I don't want to miss the academic adventure UPenn provides and thus consider it as a priority college that I find as a perfect fit for my academic interests.

Apart from my academics, the inter-active community of the social IVY is not only appealing but reassuring because of the interconnected intellectually stimulating lifestyle that I wish to pursue in college. I was personally interested in the 'dhamaka' group present on campus that performs Indian dances and introduces the students to a different set of cultures and traditions through their performances.

UPenn would provide an experience that would not only serve my rigorous academic pursuits but also enrich my intellect and personality thourgh social interaction and participation.

Undergraduate / I need help with Stanford Essay What matters most to you? - Democracy [4]

Ahmad, you have a good concept for the answer to the prompt. However, there is no real personal connection between the statement that you made about democracy being important to you and the events that you discussed in the essay. This is not a history lesson. So you don't have to mention too many facts relating to the uprising that you participated in. What you have to do is create a channel in the essay that connects the events that occurred with your participation and your realization that democracy is important to you.

After you say that democracy matters to you, discuss your life leading up to the revolution. How you lived in fear, saw the seeds of democracy being planted in the sentiments of the people, describe your feeling of unrest growing within you. Then launch into a discussion of how you slowly found yourself participating in the demonstrations, describe the growing activism in you that came from your desire to help instill democracy in the hearts and minds of the people, until that day when you successfully helped to overthrow the oppressive government. That is the discussion you have to present / develop in order to give your closing statement more impact. When you finally say the following words ;

So I am infinitely overwhelmed with pride to say that I have contributed, emotionally and physically, in the acclaimed Egyptian Revolution. I dauntlessly marched, hand in hand, with multifarious Egyptians who audaciously risked their necks for the sake of their beloved country.

You have to make sure that the reviewer can actually feel and understand where your conviction for this statement came from.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about the measures of protecting endanger animals [4]

Pham, the first thing I want to point out to you is that you have to be careful of the way that you spell the words you use in your paragraph. Make sure that you spell the words in the proper manner. Avoid using text spelling such as "pepple shoudnt". It should be spelled out as "people shouldn't". Make no mistake about it, you will lose points for wrong spelling so this early train yourself to always use the formal spelling of words. Whether taking a test or simply learning ESL, you need to make sure that you come across as academic and professional in nature, and that is done through the proper spelling of words.

Another point of correction:

Another measures is that THE government should be introduce strict laws to ban poaching

I had a difficult time reading your paragraph because, while your sentences made sense, you neglected to separate the sentences by hitting the space bar after you completed a sentence/thought. Without the separation between sentences, it seems like you are not capable of separating your thoughts. It is simple enough to remember, hit the space bar each time you finish a sentence.

Your essay shows an ability to think logically on your part. The essay shows a coherent flow of thought and a talent for writing. You just need to practice writing in order to continue developing your thought, logic, and writing skills.

Undergraduate / 'FOCUS' program - Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? [5]

Olu, this version of the statement response is just as good as the first and also, has a problem sentence that I think you should remove. When it comes to your statement that indicates:

Secondly, I like belonging to small, closely knit groups. I am attracted by the fact that the Focus program will make that possible for me through small classes made up of the same people I will also live near.

It seems like the statement is not as strong as the rest of the essay. All of the information that you placed before and after this line indicates a clear connection as to what attracts you to Duke in a strong manner. However, this reference to your possible residence and relationship with your neighbors and classmates does not resonate as strongly as the other parts. My opinion is that you can omit this part and just keep the focus on your interest in the Focus program. That makes for a more informative and stronger response statement.

Speeches / SkillsUSA Speech: Connecting You to Career Success [2]

Ted, have you already submitted this essay to your professor? I hope you haven't done so yet because you need to go back and proof read the essay. You have a number of problems that you need to revise in this essay before you can submit it. Please tell me that you just posted a draft version for our review here and that we still have time to address the issues in the essay.

To begin with, you have a tendency to write the start of new sentences in small letters when, as I am sure you know and just forgot about while you developed this speech, that a capital letter is required to start a new sentences in all instances. That is the basic sentence structure rule. If you review the essay, you will see that you failed to properly start the sentences a number of times. Even if you will only be reading this speech in class, you should always strive to follow the correct grammar rules in writing sentences at all times.

In relation to that, you also failed to use a capital letter when spelling out a proper noun. That means, the word america should always be capitalized as America. If you used a word document for typing up this speech, the red line under the proper noun should have alerted you to this mistake. Please review the essay and make sure that you capitalize all the proper nouns. That includes the word American as in "The American Dream".

Overall, I believe that you were able to write a compelling speech that could help you successfully argue your cause. It just needs to be proof read for the mistakes. Hopefully you will catch any other errors in the essay when you run your spellchecker and double check for grammar and punctuation content :-)

Undergraduate / Dan Ariely's book "Predictably Irrational" - UPenn 'interests' essay for college of arts and science [7]

Sanchit, in all honesty, when you mentioned the book that was turning yellow in your room, I thought that you were referring to an author who was working as a professor at UPenn. Had you mentioned the book, your interest in behavioral economics, and that the professor worked at UPenn, ending it with something like "I look forward to enrolling in Prof. XX's class in at UPenn in an effort to continue my intellectual development which he helped me start when I first read his book." You can actually use the name of any professor at the university whose class you are interested in enrolling in, provided you can provide an explanation as to how that professor will inspire you to achieve something intellectually through the class.

Another way of developing your intellectual interest would be to indicate that you are interested in performing research based upon a particular economic theory that you would like to develop. Explain what the theory is, how you see yourself doing the research, then mentioning some libraries, professors, research centers, etc. that the university offers which can help you develop your research. That is another example of intellectual interest development.

Now, when we talk of academic interests, you can mention either an existing research or professor at the university whose work has intrigued you so much in the past that you would like nothing more than to make personal contact with that professor and assisting in his or her research at the moment. This would be a very interesting way of discussing how you see your academic interests growing outside of the regular classroom lessons and professor interaction at the university.

Please feel free to ask additional questions if you feel a need to do so. I will do my best to clarify things for you as soon as possible :-)

Undergraduate / Caltech studens have quirky sense of humor - technology maniac! [3]

Shrey, the prank that you are talking about is not really as successful as it should be. The reason that is so is because the person involved decided to giver up on the game instead of continuing ti play the game. I am not sure if the end result of the program you planted was just the constant rebooting of the program, is that what it is supposed to be? I have to tell you that the end result, his giving up, isn't exactly the funny prank that it should have been because he decided to give up on playing the game.

A successful prank would have been if, since the computer kept on rebooting, he decided to either run an analysis of the system, then find the plant that you made, or he decided to keep looking for the source of the problem to no avail. Then you could have revealed what you did and gotten the laugh that you sought for. The way your prank ran was too forced through so it isn't really successful in terms of pranks. Is there any other humorous prank that you can consider for this essay? One where the elements that I described above existed in its implementation :-)

Undergraduate / Dan Ariely's book "Predictably Irrational" - UPenn 'interests' essay for college of arts and science [7]

Sanchit, I am not sure why you are discussing an experience of seeing a movie with your dad, a book that is turning yellow in your room, or GDP and other states of being in your country in relation to your academic interests at UPenn. I think you may have misunderstood the requirements of the prompt, which led to this off base response at the start of your essay.

The requirement of the essay is simple and clear. Consider your academic and intellectual interests. List them down, then do research on the class offerings, laboratories, libraries, or research facilities that exist at UPenn. Which of the university offerings fall in line with your own interests? Why do you think that those classes, lab work, research facilities, or other learning related offerings at UPenn will help you better pursue your academic and intellectual interests at the university?

Make sure that you represent your response to the prompt in a manner that makes it clear to the reviewer that you did your homework by doing an in-depth research of the university offerings in relation to your interests. The prompt requires you to prove your familiarity with the course that you will be enrolling in and the intellectual and academic demands that it will be making on you as a student there. The reviewer wants to know how you will be able to grow academically with the help of the university, so connecting the university offerings with your interests is of the utmost importance to the reviewer in this case.

Undergraduate / 'FOCUS' program - Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? [5]

Olu, if you remove the first sentence that you wrote and instead open the statement with the line " I like making connections..." then you are able to create a more memorable opening hook for your response. You should always make your response about you, first and Duke, second. All of these essays are meant to give you an opportunity to present various facets of your interests and personality to the reviewer. So wording the statement, no matter how short, in the correct manner is of the utmost importance.

When you open the statement with "One of the things that attracts me to Duke is the FOCUS program." You remove the focus from the reason that Duke is a perfect match for you and instead, make it all about why Duke is a good university for you to attend. Setting up your statement in certain ways manages to change the trajectory of your response and in the process, ends up changing the implication of your response. That is what happened in this statement when you opened with that sentence. However, it is easy to get it back on track by simply editing the response.

Your response is strong and accurate. Don't be worried about whether you addressed the prompt properly or not because you actually did. There was just a slight misstep in the way you formatted the response that needs to be addressed in order to make the response statement as strong as it can possibly be.

Graduate / "Goodbye" - SOP for Masters of Public Administration for the University of Colorado [10]

Julie, while you have offered an interesting look into your background in public service and laid out a very impressive foundation for the reasons that you wish to pursue a career in this field, there is a certain aspect of the response that is lacking. There is no reference to your future plans in the field of public administration. You spoke strongly and quite vividly of the impact that your volunteer experiences. the influence that these exposures had on you is something that has affected you profoundly and yet, you failed to develop a clear purpose for your wish to complete a masters degree in public administration.

In order to strengthen that part of your essay, you first need to develop a paragraph that clearly indicates the purpose of your desire for advanced studies. How do you see this path of education helping you to advance your career? Where do you see yourself working after you complete the course? How does that relate to your desire to improve public administration in the sectors that you have been exposed to? Most importantly, what is it about the University of Colorado that made you interested in further studies there? How do you see their specific programs or opportunities as an MS student helping you to attain your objectives?

The concerns I have in the paragraph above compose the weakest point of your essay. Addressing these, as the reviewer will most certainly look for a response to these questions, will most certainly strengthen your essay. If you find yourself lacking in space due to the word count, then shorten the portions about your work experience or immersion events to only the most important parts or as a summary. That should release an appropriate amount of words for you to properly develop the essay.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - 7 short answers. Advice/Corrections [2]

Yasmin, in order to improve your statement response within fifty words you need to choose only the strongest response that you can muster from your list of answers. While the questions are posed in plural form, you are not expected to deliver only rapid fire, multiple answers to the questions. Instead, you are expected to deliver only one well developed response that will give the reviewer a clear idea of the extra curricular activities that you enjoy and why.

The essay is testing your response and writing skills. You need to prove that you are able to deliver coherent, and accurate responses, with as detailed explanation as possible within a limited word count. Consider it a test of your ability to express yourself in English. Right now, the multiple responses that you have delivered does not deliver any significant response that the reviewer can use you analyze your background, personality, or English skills. By opting to only use one answer that you can expand upon, you will deliver a response that can actually help your application.

Graduate / SoP of VT for doctoral program at VT - my ambitions of working as a Polymer Engineering (PE) [9]

Zara, see if this 2 page version of your essay works well for you already. Let me know wha tyou think so we can discuss and edit further is necessary :-) I already divided the essay into paragraphs for you.

Experiencing 68 °C heat in M campus of UT seemed a logical reason for my peers to never apply there. However, the campus seemed a perfect place to me for other reason: fulfilling my ambitions of working as a Polymer Engineering (PE) apprentice in one of the largest chemical industrial zone in x to figure out a number of important unsolved problems about polymers.

My outstanding performance and diligent attitude towards my studies drew the attention of one of the tier 1 professors' in UT, prof. N. I took the opportunity to cooperate with him tin order to strengthen my laboratory prior to graduate school. I developed my passion for research on structure-property relationships of polymers by optimizing the melt flow of Polycarbonate (PC)/Organoclay nanocomposite during this time.

Considered as an exceptionally talented student, I have an offer from our department to continue my graduate studies as an M.Sc. student. That is the other reason why I wish to attend graduate school.

One of the major challenges I encountered in the laboratory setting of Prof. N. was the prevention of the prefoaming of poly (lactic acid)/Organoclay during mixing with chemical foaming agents (CFA). Our laboratory extruder was not equipped with scCO2 injector so I had to use CFA. I explored a number of factors that contributed to the decomposition of CFA, but all of them failed. However, instead of setting a new deadline, I tried to ignite my curiosity and thinking for a new material design.

Finally, adding Epoxidized Soybean Oil (ESO) as a bio-sourced plasticizer which prevented the prefoaming of my samples and also opened up new research directions for me. ESO, in combination with Organoclay resulted in a considerable enhancement in toughness of nanocomposite samples. Based on these results, I awarded a scholarship for development of biobased packaging materials from Iran Small Industries and Industrial Organization which is also led to a patentable research.

The three years of enjoyable researches in prof. N laboratory put me in a very strong position in the R&D center of ITT where my experiences of familiarity with PLA hone my ability to integrate the same engineering techniques into our blends of commercial Starch masterbatch with Polypropylene: The low impact strength of our masterbaches was a major downside of them being used in packaging applications which has been overcome by adding ESO.

Having such experiences, I strongly believe my academic participation in an industry-related project has a positive effect on my career. Therefore, as a student playing a leading role in the development of innovative materials for nano-enabled applications makes me more determined to pursue Macromolecular Science and Engineering program (MSE) at (VT) , I believe industrial problems will be addressed more effectively by participating in the interdisciplinary program of MSE. In addition, the scholarly orientation of MSE is broadly compatible with my own. I am particularly interested in the possibility of working with Dr. , Dr. , Dr. , Dr. or Dr. who make MSE my top choice.

After completing my PhD studies at VT, I will initiate and expandupon a a sustainable polymer research network with the large community of interdisciplinary x expertise at VT and practitioners in x plastics companies. I believe, my goal-oriented approach toward research and solution-seeking orientation in the development, processing and preparation of nanocomposites, with preferred emphasis on biopolymer technology makes MSE program at VT a perfect fit for me.

Undergraduate / Cornell ILR Writing Supplement opinions (eh, I tried) [2]

Kevin, have you already submitted this statement of purpose? If you have, i wish you hadn't before submitting it for review here. During my first read through, I already spotted a number of problems that should have been addressed in the essay prior to finalization. These include problems with the punctuation marks, lack of focus, lack of information, and the need for a stronger conclusion.

The major problem with the content of your paper is that you made the focus all about you instead of the cause that you hoped to resolve by getting this masters degree certification. It owuld have been better for your essay if you had focused on a single problem that affected you and those in the labor work force in the strongest manner possible. It should have been a problem that, although acknowledged as being in existence, has not had any sort of solution proposed for it yet. If you were able to propose a unique solution for the little known, but highly important problem, then you would have caught the interest of the reviewer as a student who really has a deep and thorough understanding of the international labor problems.

While this essay, if you have already submitted it, will manage to do the job (somewhat), it could really have been made better and more impressive if we just had the time to collaborate on the final form and content of your essay/

Undergraduate / The moment I laid eyes on my surroundings in Bangladesh, it sparked something inside me. SOP [7]

The way that I see it, you can actually offer two examples in this essay. The first example, should be the way that you view the excellent infrastructure of the United States and how it has served as your role model for the way that urban cities should be developed. Then, move into the discussion of Bangladesh and how their infrastructure suffers by example. Depict how you plan to use the knowledge that you will be gaining in improving their infrastructure and creating new ideas that can help the industry move forward in the 21st century.

Be sure that the connection between your plans, be it in terms of internships, training, seminars, partnerships, or anything else, with the way that the university has structured its curriculum for its students. In any SOP, the most important aspect of the latter part of the essay is the explanation as to how the university you have chosen to enroll in will be able to assist you in attaining your goals and ambitions.

I'll probably be able to guide you more towards the proper content and structure of the essay after I see what your revision will look like. I hope I can read about it soon here :-)

Graduate / Scholarships canceled, need my possible appeal letter/reasoning reviewed :P [4]

Curtis, certainly moving nearer to the campus with the support of your parents will be a step in the right direction. You know that this was the main cause of your previous grade problem so you should really work on addressing that issue to help get back your scholarship. Are you truly seeking housing nearer the campus at the moment? Mention some of the addresses that you have inquired at if you can to add substance to your statement. That will prove that you are indeed looking into closer employment.

You can also mention that in order to better support yourself financially this coming semester in terms of housing, you will be seeking on-campus or near campus employment when the semester starts so that you will be able to schedule your class, study, and work hours in a more relaxing and conducive to learning manner.

Your plan of action the minute you feel overwhelmed by your classes again should work well with the aforementioned plans because you will be living in the learning environment that can continue to inspire you to do well academically with the help of your parents and the university scholarship. Don't forget to reiterate the need for the scholarship towards the end of your letter.

Undergraduate / A Berea College Aspirant From India, Still Figuring Out The Steps..........Friends, Can You Help? [5]

Nil, you seem to have misunderstood what the Tuition Promise Scholarship scholarship is all about. The Tuition Promise Scholarship only applies to students who already have private grants, in the case of foreign students, to help offset the cost of the tuition fee at Berea. The scholarship does not pay for the total tuition feel. Instead, the college will only sponsor the remaining cost of your tuition fee. So you should not be looking to Berea for the scholarship but rather, other possible tuition sources. Other tuition sources can be found through private scholarship foundations within your home country. Go to your school guidance office or college advising department and inquire as to how they can help you look into scholarship grants that will allow you to enroll at overseas universities.

Before you go looking for tuition sponsors though, you should first prepare to take the TOEFL or Test of English as a Foreign Language Test. Getting a good GPA and acing the SAT tests in your home country will be useless if you are unable to successfully pass all aspects of the TOEFL test. My advice to you is this, use the next 2 years to look into scholarships and prepare for the TOEFL test simultaneously. Once you successfully pass the TOEFL test, you will be in a better position to qualify for a scholarship overseas.

Graduate / SoP of VT for doctoral program at VT - my ambitions of working as a Polymer Engineering (PE) [9]

Zara, I am still trying to work out the kinks in your essay. However, I was able to edit it down to 417 words. Would you mind reviewing it and letting me know if you think I was able to get a bit close to the information that you hope to present in this essay? I am not familiar with the PE world so I guess we will need to assist each other with this one :-) Here is what I have come up with so far:

Experiencing 68 °C heat in M campus of UT seemed a logical reason for my peers to never apply there. However, the campus seemed a perfect place to me for other reason: fulfilling my ambitions of working as a Polymer Engineering (PE) apprentice in one of the largest chemical industrial zone in x to figure out a number of important unsolved problems about polymers.

My outstanding performance and diligent attitude towards my studies drew one of the tier 1 professors' attention in UT, prof. N., with whom I interned as a method of developing my passion for research on structure-property relationships of polymers by optimizing the melt flow of Polycarbonate (PC)/Organoclay nanocomposite.

Considered as an exceptionally talented student, I received an offer to continue my graduate studies as an M.Sc. student, without taking the qualifying national university entrance exam.

The three years of enjoyable researches in prof. N's laboratory put me in a very strong position in the R&D center of ITT where my experiences of familiarity with PLA honed my ability to integrate the same engineering techniques into our blends of commercial Starch masterbatch with Polypropylene: The low impact strength of our masterbaches was a major downside of them being used in packaging applications which was overcome by adding ESO.

I strongly believe my academic participation in an industry-related project has a positive effect on my career. Therefore, as a student playing a leading role in the development of innovative materials for nano-enabled applications makes me more determined to pursue Macromolecular Science and Engineering program (MSE) at (VT). In particular, I believe industrial problems will be addressed more effectively by participating in the interdisciplinary program of MSE. In addition, the scholarly orientation of MSE is broadly compatible with my own. I am particularly interested in the possibility of working with Dr. , Dr. , Dr. , Dr. or Dr. who make MSE my top choice.

After completing my PhD studies at VT, I am highly motivated to initiate and expand a sustainable polymer research network with the large community of interdisciplinary x expertise at VT and practitioners in x plastics companies. I believe, my goal-oriented approach toward research and solution-seeking orientation in the development, processing and preparation of nanocomposites, with preferred emphasis on biopolymer technology makes MSE program at VT a perfect fit for me.

Therefore, as a student playing a leading role in the development of innovative materials for nano-enabled applications makes me more determined to pursue Macromolecular Science and Engineering program (MSE) at (VT).

Undergraduate / NORTHWESTERN SUPPLEMENT--McCormick Integrated Degree, Design for America [3]

Erin, I agree with Kevin in the sense that the first paragraph that you wrote does not exactly instill confidence in the kind of student that you can be at Northwestern. However, I have a different take on how you should approach strengthening the essay. As I read through what you wrote, I came to the conclusion that the rest of the essay is quite strong but the new conclusion as I see it, needs more work.

We have to start by deleting the first paragraph in its entirety and the essay will immediately go down to below the required word count and also deliver a more confident discussion coming from your first person point of view. Consider the essay content as I have it edited below:

Northwestern's philosophy of "whole-brain engineering" perfectly mirrors my ambitions to become an engineer who not only has broad technical knowledge, but can also communicate articulately. I am excited to delve hands-on into real-world engineering problems during my first semester through Northwestern's unique Engineering First initiative. Also, by taking classes like Design Thinking and Communication, I know I will be challenged creatively and technically to develop skills vital to success in the work force.

I am also drawn to Northwestern for the community-minded entrepreneurship and innovation it fosters, as evidenced by McCormick's Farley Center and Segal Institute.

The last part of the essay is the conclusion that i hope you can improve upon to better reflect an activity that you look forward to participating in at the Farley Center, without relying on what you observed of the other students who were at the event that you attended. Instead discuss how you would be participating in the event when you finally get your chance to do so as a student at Northwestern :-) That will better reflect the prompt requirement relating to "In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?"

You don't have to write a very long essay, just an informative essay so it is alright for you to use less than the maximum word count but not less than the minimum word count.

Undergraduate / "Someday, I may not be able to see anymore" - suggestions for Common App Essay Prompt #5 [5]

Hi Henry, the essay you wrote is a very interesting informal transition to adulthood. You have managed to relay not just the transition, but the background behind it which led to a more meaningful assumption of adult duties on your part. The way that you seemed to have smoothly fallen into your adult duties and how your family gave deference to your growing wisdom are paths that do not normally occur in the life of a person as young as you are. So the fact that you have these life experiences makes your application stronger and worth the read on the reviewers part :-) All that is left to at this point is polish the essay at certain points in terms of your grammar problems and punctuation issues. Let me get to that for you below:

... My family's only source of income was my dad's work, and as the oldest -and the only male- of four siblings, I instantly questioned my role at home. I wasn't in high school anymore, and had to take steps to become the leader my family needed.

Immediately, my view of the world changed. The usual chores and responsibilities turned into opportunities to grow, to make a positive impact, and it was up to me to make the most of them. My college preparation, my job, picking up my sisters from school. I became more sensitive to the possible results of every decision I had to make, even the ones as small as choosing whether to go out with a friend or staying home.

Things also started to change at home. My parents now asked me to provide my opinion about important issues, such as the handling of my teenage sisters character, or the direction in which we had to lead our family, and the steps to make it there. With my sisters, the concept of my being a role model appeared much clearer and relevant.They looked to me as an example of how to live and mature as a person. How I handled my responsibilities, my social life, my failures and accomplishments; everything was a chance to give them advice without saying a single word.

No one expected me to suddenly become the pillar of strength and logic for my family,. However, talking with my dad I realized I had to be prepared to face those challenges. He showed me his fear and uncertainty, those obstacles he had always overcome to become the strong and brave man I knew and admired.

Undergraduate / 'volunteering to distribute christmas gifts' - what will you contribute essay [8]

Lydia, your essay needs to be redirected a little bit more and the grammar needs to be fixed because you got some words confused in your essay. You also have a problem with capitalization that needs to be addressed. Let me show you how it works better below:

we We live in a world in which where young people living in poverty face gross inequalities and injustice. From poor education, to poor nutrition, to vulnerable and unemployment, the sequence of vulnerable problems that young people from lower income family account brackets are totally unacceptable butall too common.

As ....student, I strongly believe that everyone should have a good quality of education , regardless of their family background. Being the president of an initiative poverty club at my high school was totally an eye-opening experience for me. It taught me that education should not be taken for granted but rather , we should all fight for those who does not have it. As a perceptive student of .... university, I am planning to join Y club. Being an active member of this Yclub would be an opportunity for me to but into practice the skills and knowledge I gained from my initiative poverty club.I strongly believe that tackling issues related to poor quality education could eventually change the world economy, thus . my My contribution will not stop only in at this club. but I will continue to raise an awareness related to this issue to with my fellows students who are not a part of this club.

Undergraduate / The moment I laid eyes on my surroundings in Bangladesh, it sparked something inside me. SOP [7]

Definitely much better. It is actually the kind of essay that is short but sweet and direct to the point. However, the strength of the essay is threatened by the continued presence of the sentences relating to your failure to be admitted to the university previously. Honestly, that really doesn't have any proper place in this type of essay response so you should really just opt to skip that in the discussion. It doesn't really tie in with your current discussion so it is a part of the essay that you can omit.

Trust me, if you remove that reference in your essay, the whole essay will gel better and will be strengthened by the tight discussion that you will be presenting to the reviewer. Basically, your essay will have a better and deeper connection with the removal of the failure to enroll part because you have to "To explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline"

As you can see, you are expected to present yourself as a strong candidate for admission. The inclusion of your previous rejection will be something that negatively affects your application. The reviewer wants to know why you should be admitted. But then here you come with the failure to enroll story, thus proving that you are not fit to be a student at this university. So you need to work around that failure to enroll by finding a different academic reason to help polish your essay.

Undergraduate / "Why Tufts?" - Why not? Diversity, campus, internships [6]

Mesut, focus your essay. You have a host of various essay prompts existing in this one that it makes my head hurt trying to figure out what it is exactly that you want to say. the comment about your father being your role model, delete it. It is just muddling up the content of your essay. What you need to do is decide upon just one setting to discuss and develop in this essay so that you can clearly present the kind of person you have become due to the influence of that particular community.

if you opt to discuss your family, then go ahead and mention that you father is your role model. Then do not present anyone else alongside him as being influential in your life. It is only his influence upon you that should be represented, discussed, and developed if you are to even stand a chance of properly identifying his influence upon you.

I do not see the need to mention that you come from a family of doctors, you already said that your parents did not try to influence your decision regarding your future career. However, you mention that in the essay without tying it in directly to the way that your family influenced and supported you in a strong manner.

So, you have to choose, either talk about the community or your parents. You can't discuss both because you seem to not have the ability to tie in 2 different communities into a single personality for yourself. I might be able to help you with that. I just need to see the kind of revision that you can develop first :-)

Undergraduate / 'mazes of monitors, wires, and other computer paraphernalia' - Why did I choose my major? [3]

Adebisi, while your essay provides the reviewer with an interesting backgrounder regarding your interest, your interest in computers doesn't really resonate as something that would lead you to a serious career or academic path in that field. It is quite light in feel and could describe any typical computer user in this day and age. Mentioning Apple and the IPod was a good touch because it ties in with the basis for your interest in the field.

Would you mind considering adding some more information to the essay? Normally, when you are asked why you chose or what led you to choose a specific major, the reviewer will be looking for a connection that kind of leaves him wondering where your academic path will lead you next. I don't get a sense of that with this version of your essay.

What I suggest you do is this; develop a question or an idea that would have him go "I never thought of that!". Something along the questions Steve Jobs asked himself when he conceptualized the IPhone, "Why can't we have a device that does it all? Makes calls, texts, surfs the internet, takes pictures, acts as a navigation tool, etc." if you can provide the reviewer with a similar idea, concept, or question and then conclude with the expectation that you hope to find the answers or solve the enigma while you are a student at that university, then you will have properly developed the answer to your prompt.

Undergraduate / 'I always wanted to be someone else' - WHY NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (ABU DHABI/SHANGHAI) [2]

Samuel, your essay rambles on for so long without offering any solid reason for your choice if NYU either in Abu Dhabi or Shanghai. The mention at the very end of the essay of highly superficial reasons does not qualify as a thorough discussion that justifies your reason for opting to enroll at this university. The reasons you opt to apply for the university should not be based upon a description of your current school activities. That is not what is being asked by the prompt. You need to revise your essay in order to deliver the expected reasons for your choice of school.

Diversity is a good reason for opting for a university. However, it should not be based upon your UN model nations experience but rather, the true college setting of the school. You can opt to discuss how you are interested in attending an international school because of your desire to experience as much of the world culture and traditions in a single setting for starters.

Then you can move on to the educational opportunities that studying in one of the branches of the university can offer you. Be it in terms of allowing you to experience a culture or tradition different from your own, or the unique curriculum that the branch offers, which is not the same as what is offered at the NYU main campus.

The reasons for your interest in the school need to tie in directly with the school. Do not dwell on your personal questions or your participation in high school activities. If it does not relate directly to the prompt, then you should not include it so that the reviewer's focus will not be distracted from the related information that you may be presenting.

Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering Essay: Jazz band was the last class I expected to use mathematics... [7]

Horomu, I honestly do not find your conclusion "tacked on". There is nothing forcing through about it from the way i read it. Your concluding discussion actually seems to tie the whole essay together because it accurately represents the attraction that you have for these seemingly unrelated fields of study.

What you have to do though, is format the essay paragraphs properly so that you don't feel like something is wrong when you start to read the conclusion. Let me show you how to fix that :-)

I soon realized that the numbers were used to restore order to the chaotic universe of jazz. Every musical element had a numerical counterpart; chords can be described with ratios, musical scales can be expressed with permutations, and melodies can be identified with set theory. As I made more connections between mathematics and music, I started to notice that I heard music differently; I recognized that the upright bass walked in algorithmic patterns and that the tenor saxophone responded by playing harmonic melodies. I was thrilled by the epiphany; I was learning a completely different way to understand music. All of a sudden, new possibilities began to emerge. If music can be modeled mathematically, can computers recognize good music, conduct an orchestra, or compose a masterpiece?

I then discovered that these fascinating questions can be answered in the world of musical analysis and engineering through the development of technology such as algorithmic composition and musical interactivity. I want to explore these seemingly unrelated realms and advance them. My interests in these fields lie in finding new ways to connect music with numbers, figures, equations, and computations in a world that I call music engineering.

Undergraduate / A bright student and expectations. Common App Essay. [3]

Shubham, basically your essay is quite informative for a background story and offers an insight into the kind of student you will be, driven, hellbent on succeeding, and committed to completing your education at the highest possible level. These are the kinds of information that you should be presenting to the reviewer in terms of your character development and discussion here. As far as I can tell, content-wise, the essay is strong and delivers on the necessary aspects in terms of your background. There are however, some grammatical issues that exist along with the formatting problem of your essay. I'll fix those for you below:

I had been a bright student since childhood. That was expected. I performed very well in various exams and was at the top of my class. More expectations. I decided to apply for Undergraduate study in the United States. Even more expectations.

Life has been a continuous battle between what was expected of me and my actual capacity as a student. . I was always expected to perform well. I won a competition, I was expected to do so. I aced a test, no surprise there. My achievements fuelled these expectations, taking them up a notch with every accomplishment. In a way, I was the one raising the bar. I sometimes asked myself, "What would I do if I had a fresh start, and no-one expecting anything from me?

I soon realised that my reasoning was flawed. It wasn't the achievements resulting in bigger expectations. It was the other way round. I always strived to fulfil these expectations which always drove me to work harder towards them. With expectation came pressure, the pressure to perform well. Ironically, the will to live up to these expectations kept me from crumbling under pressure and keep working. These expectations reminded me to keep believing in my abilities, the same abilities all the others believed in. If they think that I can do it then why can't I?

While strenuous, these expectations played a pivotal role in my educational career. After all, nobody ever rises to low expectations. Expectation is a curious entity. While we create it, once created we don't have any control over it. It is not us foreseeing the future, but just simply what we believe will happen in the future. Sometimes, beliefs can go horribly wrong. When right, it acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy, driving you to make it happen.

The first step towards success is visualising it. And so I keep very high expectations of myself. These expectations motivate me to work towards my goal. But I am treading in completely uncharted territory here. Being the first person in my family to have visited the United States and with no member having studied abroad, this is a challenge for me and my family. Each one of us is willing to contribute in every way to help me reach the United States.

My family is spending every last penny they can spare for my education. I expect myself to attend a great college next year and am working to my utmost capability to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am ready to fight head-on with all these expectations and make everyone who created them proud.

Graduate / SoP of VT for doctoral program at VT - my ambitions of working as a Polymer Engineering (PE) [9]

Zara, while I can understand why you would want to refer the reviewer to all of the lab work and research that you did at AU, after all, you have 2 pages to fill, I do not feel that you have strongly developed the research and lab work discussion. As I read the essay, I felt like you were writing the essay in a rush and not really focusing on the quality of the essay, but rather the quantity of the information you can deliver. As a student of higher studies, I feel that I have to warn you about this. You must concentrate more on the quality of the information you are delivering instead of the quantity. You might notice that i often tell the other students to simply pick their strongest lab work and research project for development in their essays. There is a reason behind that statement of mine.

If you opt to just discuss your strongest points in a detailed manner, you have the opportunity to create a memorable impression with the reviewer. Therefore, your aim should be to make sure that you present your most unique research, regardless of whether it has already been completed or not. Most universities are looking for students who have an aim to continue their research at the university because it heightens the university profile in journals and other publications when you finally complete the work. Make sure that you present your research that shows the most potential for future research.

As for the lab work, I would like you to retain the part about the challenge that you faced during lab work. This type of information reflects your ability and preparation for MS studies in such a manner that gives you a solid foundation in terms of an ability that qualifies you for studies at VT. By the way, I think you were not able to accurately represent "What do you expect to contribute as a student and subsequently as a member of the profession?" in the discussion. I am not sure if I missed it or you accidentally forgot to discuss it in the essay.

The rest of the essay seems to be sufficient at the moment. That opinion could change depending upon how your revised essay comes across. I hope you have enough time to work with me on this essay before you have to submit it :-) It may not be a simple editing job after all.

Undergraduate / We would like to know more about your interest in NYU. [4]

You are opting to attend a branch of NYU outside of the United States. That makes your interest in this particular university different and out of the ordinary. the current discussion that you gave submits only a general discussion that could be used to describe any university in the world, including NYU. Therefore, you need to make sure that your statement will "pop" in the eyes of the reviewer.

Making the essay stand out will depend upon how well you discuss the reasons that you opted to study at NYU-AD instead of NYU itself. You have a rare opportunity to attend college at the main campus in New York. So why did you opt for the Abu Dhabi setting? if you can differentiate the reasons behind your choice, then your response will be able to discuss a number of reasons that, quite possibly, other students may not think of when discussing your interest in NYU- Abu Dhabi.

Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Hey Sakshi, like i said, it would be best for you to mention the name of the community group that you volunteered at in order to give your statement validity. For some reason, there are some universities these days that ask you to provide verifiable information along with your essay applications so I have made it a policy to always ask the students to do that. You never know if and when the university does decide to do a background check on the data contained in your essays. It will never hurt you application to do that in any case :-)

If you can, describe the community in relation to the volunteer work that you did rather than opting for an overall description of the medical mission that took place. You have to show the relevance of this activity with your interest in public health. So you could go a bit personal in this particular discussion. Try to establish this activity as a major reason for your interest in MPH based upon your personal experience, sans the other medical activities that took place.

Thank you for your kind words and cooperation. I look forward to continuing to work on this essay with you.

Graduate / Personal Statement of MPH - Education, research & experience [8]

Ngoc, this essay is 233 words. See if it works for you. Add any information that you feel is required and I will help you edit it down to 250 words so you can submit the essay :-) Here is what I developed for you:

I visited the Children Aid Home as part of a school event for orphanages even though my major was Pharmaceutical Management. I did not know that they were special needs children and I had no idea as to what disabilities they have and I was too shy to ask the caregivers. For the first time, I underestimated what was supposed to be a "volunteer" school activity.

I started to go hospitals, clinics and nutrition departments, not as "duty volunteer", but as an individual student who needed to learn. I met different doctors and nutrition experts, asked to shadow the process of clinical interviews to record the reaction of participants. I went to different volunteer groups of exchange students and foreign interns, to seek for their advice and to gain a perspective regarding public healthcare around the world.

Public Health is about creating a good foundation in human and economic resources in order to build a better healthcare system that guides people towards a healtheir lifestyle. To do this, I need to study a in system that will teach me how accomplish this task properly with my knowledge.

By applying the Master Degree in Public Health in a developed country with a modern healthcare system, I will have a great opportunity to develop my knowledge, as well as to be trained to successfully work and develop healthcare and nutrition projects for the worldwide population.

Undergraduate / Every year on vacation, I tutor 2 or 3 students - this is one of my extracurricular activity [3]

The response that you provided is acceptable but could do with more development in terms of what benefits you get out of tutoring other students. When you say that you learn from this experience, you need to cite a specific instance when you learned something during a tutorial session. It is kind of hard for the reviewer to imagine what lessons you feel when you are tutoring to you need to give him a clear idea of what you learn and how that happens.

You have said that "The more I share, the more I learn. So I love tutoring." Explain what kind of lessons you have learned while tutoring others. You often repeat that you find these tutorial sessions to be learning sessions on your part and yet you never give a clear idea as to what those lessons are. Instead, you gave an example of the results of your determination to tutor a student. Try to balance the response by showing the lessons that you learned alongside the test of your determination, you will be able to present a strong idea as to why this extra curricular activity will be one that you truly enjoy.

Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Sakshi, when you speak of a community health camp, make sure to mention at least one name / organization that you participated in and clarify that you did it in your home country. Detail your participation in the camp, what you learned from it, and how it helped to influence your desire to learn more advanced concepts regarding public health management. The reviewer and the admissions committee may want to verify your information so you should supply them with information that they can confirm or trace on their own.

Overall, this is one of the best versions of the essay that you have written so far. I do believe that we are just a revision or two away from developing the best version yet. I hope you won't tire or get irritated at me because I keep on asking you to add and change things in the essay. I assure you it is for the betterment of your application :-) I hope that you will be able to develop the concept that I am requesting you to consider. It should not be hard for you to expand upon that paragraph as it exists in your current essay.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Special Interest- 'Wide eyes and Dropped Chins' [8]

It sounds great Olu. I do believe that if you put the different pieces of the essay together, you will finally have your response in polished form. Now, you might need to do some last minute checking for grammar problems and spelling issues. Don't neglect to do that. Of course you will also need to do a final read through of the essay that we have developed together. Make sure that you are satisfied with the content of the essay and that you do not want to make any more adjustments or additions to it. Once you are settled and confident that everything is fine with the essay, you can prepare it for submission along with the other application requirements.

Good luck with your application. I am sure that you will have a very good chance of getting into this university. You have completed a very interesting essay that has portrays your character in a strong manner. All that is left now is to have the reviewer consider all of your application essays in relation to what they expect of their students. Everything in terms of your essay have been set to strengthen your application at this point :-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Special Interest- 'Wide eyes and Dropped Chins' [8]

Much better Olu, in fact, after another, very slight revision to your content, I think that we can agree that your essay will be in its final form and ready for submission. It's just a slight correction that has to do with continuity and grammar. Here it is:

Six years later, I smile as I recall this once humiliating incident. I have come a very long way since the day I exclaimed the answer to the equation in Math class. I thought that I would be limiting my voice to certain discussions or forced circumstances for a very long time. Then I was introduced to the beauty of spoken poetry and, quite unexpectedly, I had found a way to use my voice to make myself heard by those around me in a way that I felt comfortable doing.

Little did anyone know that speaking, through the form of spoken word poetry, would become one of my greatest interests. I was first introduced to this type of poetry through an English class assignment in which I wrote and performed a poem for my classmates. My performance was a success which came not from my skill as a poet, but from what was sparked by the experience itself.

Now, just slide this revised portion into the essay at the right portion and the essay will finally be ready to submit. That is unless you think there is something else that we need to address in the essay, but I strongly doubt that :-)