Essays / Stronger argument claim needed. [4]

Odd. My parents were immigrants, and they never had a problem with English. In fact, they are considerably better at using the language than most of the non-immigrants I know. Could be because they were British, I suppose. I imagine Irish, Australian, and Canadian immigrants to America would also probably use English much better than most Americans do. Your statement is overly general, methinks.

Also, many politicians who are fluent native speakers of English could be nonetheless accused of using it the "wrong way," by using it to prevaricate and mislead.

Think more carefully about what you really want to say here.

Writing Feedback / WILL WOMEN LEADERS BE LESS VIOLENT THAN MEN, GIVE EXAMPLE AND OPINION [6]


Um, if we accept your highly dubious premise that women are of a more peaceful nature (instead of, say, being of a physically slighter nature, which is not at all the same thing) than men, then how exactly would they come to rule over people who are more aggressive? How would they maintain their power? Wouldn't the very nature of what was needed to rule mean that if women were to rule, they would do so in much the same way as men, or else rapidly cede power back to them? Even today, women are competing more and more successfully with men by abandoning femininity and adopting a more masculine approach to the world, rather than by championing femininity.

Speeches / persuasive speech writing on I WILL BE THE RULER [9]

That's odd. I would have pegged you as the sort of person who believed in public education, public health care, environmental regulation, etc., all of which need government bureaucracies to administer to them, a body of lawmakers to regulate them, etc. For that matter, even when I was at my most strictly libertarian, I still acknowledged that a society at least needs a police force and a military if it is to maintain its integrity, and these in turn need the oversight of ruling body (preferably one accountable to an electorate). A small tribe might be able to get away with doing everything by consensus, acting as one big committee (though in practice the smartest and most able, or possibly just the strongest, would end up becoming a defacto chief even then), but with millions of people, all of the things I've mentioned require the coordination of rulers, though they might call themselves administrators or managers to be more PC.

Undergraduate / "I will write" - UC Transfer Personal Statement [5]

The essay flows well. It is much better than many personal statements I have read, and kept my interest to the end. The trite phrases problem isn't that bad. Certainly it would improve your essay if you were to find more creative ways of rephrasing them, but most are short enough that they work almost as words rather than images. "Blank stares" for instance, are different from just "stares," and the reader knows exactly what you mean. You could come up with an original metaphor to replace it, but what you gained in originality you would probably lose through the increase in length. If you didn't have so much nice descriptive writing in there, it might have struck me differently, but, (and I don't wish to give any offense here) my first thought on reading Simone's comment was that she probably is teaching / has taught creative writing classes. Some of the phrases should go though, if only because they are verbose. "Time ran its course" is the same as "time passed."

Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE LIKES TO LIVE ON THEIR OWN. DISCUSS SOCIAL EFFECTS [8]

More focused on the prompt, but same problem as before -- what examples can you provide that prove that any of what you say is true?

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]


Here is an interesting challenge for you: why not try and write an explanation aimed at, say, a group of intelligent twelve-year-olds? It'd be a great way to learn to express yourself more clearly, as it would force you to make your writing more concrete, and to limit yourself to simpler sentence structures. Some of the best books out there are ostensibly for young adults, yet can be read with great interest by adults too, because they combine both clarity and depth in the writing.

Writing Feedback / A SOCIETY IS BASED ON LAWS AND RULES. DISCUSS THE PERSON WHO WANT TO LIVE FREELY [3]

Again, try revising this essay yourself, focusing purely on eliminating all grammatical errors. Working out for yourself what is wrong, and finding ways to fix them by yourself, will be a very good exercise that will rapidly improve your grammar. Any basic grammar book should be able to help you figure out most of what is wrong. Once you have smoother grammar, we will be able to help you in more detail.

Writing Feedback / Many Animal are getting extinct from this world, describe the ways to protect . [3]

Simone is right -- your grammatical mistakes are severe enough and frequent enough that they make reading your essays difficult. You can of course try combining your use of this site with grammar drills done elsewhere. Try revising this essay, for instance, by fixing up the grammar on your own, and then reposting. Pay attention to all of the types of mistakes that most grammar books are designed to help you avoid.

Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]

Overall, your essay is okay. It doesn't stand out too much, but it isn't badly written either. Your language is too vague and abstract to be really interesting, but at least you stay on topic and don't butcher your grammar much.

"As soon as the advertisement was put up in my school,"

"Working with people different parts of the world improved my social skills, an important skill for adjusting to University life." How, exactly?

"He found it too difficult t o handle the hectic "

Essays / Why should I be appointed a prefect of the school [3]

"He is generally extremely bright in his studies"
"he has been considered to be a prefect of the school due to his academic achievements."

Well, that's wonderful. I am sure, then, that he will be able to write an extremely bright essay that befits someone of his academic achievements, which is, after all, what he has been asked to do. As near as I can tell, you do not have to submit anything at all -- he does. If he wishes to write a draft of his work and post it here for feedback, that would be a great idea. Wish him luck from all us of here.

Essays / I'm confused about how to understand an essay question or topic sentence [13]

Try posting a draft of your work. That will give us something to reference when we are trying to help you master the art of writing topic sentences.

Essays / The Use of Animals for Medical Research [5]

"The use of animals in laboratory research is a very well known debate."

Not so much. There is a longstanding debate over the use of animals in laboratory research, though.

"What most people do not know is that around 90% of the animals used in research are rodents such as rats or mice"

So? What does this have to do with anything? Unless you are arguing that our ability to anthropomorphize creatures should be the main principle guiding which ones we use in research (which is both illogical and difficult to defend, to boot, given the number of cartoons featuring mice as heroes) there is no reason why it would be better to experiment on mice than on dogs, pigs, cows, monkeys, etc.

"Every day scientists are finding new ways to help not only humans, but animals too."

Not a bad point, but not too convincing either. For one thing, there are plenty of counterexamples of research that leaves animals in debilitating pain. For another, few people, even the most radical animal rights kooks, argue that medical research on animals isn't beneficial to humans. They argue instead that we don't have the moral right to perform such research even if it benefits us. So, you should probably address that concern . . .

"I cannot imagine a world without the use of animals for food, for clothing, or for pets. Where a dog or even a rat was considered a moral equal of a human. Just as equally, I cannot imagine a world without animal testing."

Your lack of imagination is not an argument for anything, and your assertion that it is makes me want to ridicule you as harshly as I can. And I support your position. Revise.

Writing Feedback / Essay on a carpe diem quote [3]

Yeah, that shouldn't be too difficult for you. We should seize today because we cannot change yesterday or predict tomorrow. Today is therefore all we really have to hold on to. Say that, or something like it, in your introduction, and tie it clearly into the quote. That will get you closer to where you want to be.

Undergraduate / "Dance, my true nature" - FSU Essay! [4]

Oh no! The FSU essay lives!

Sorry. This topic comes up too often on these forums, usually with weaker essays than normal. In this one, for instance, you have the weak verbs Simone mentioned conveying information that wouldn't be very exciting even if you were using action verbs (which you absolutely should be doing, btw). Too much telling, nowhere near enough showing. Try narrating a time when you danced (possibly after learning the bad news about your mother), to let us see what dance really means to you.

Scholarship / "A good teacher is like a candle" - Scholarship Essay [5]

And as you write your new essay, aim to make it about half as long as this one, without all the forms of "to be" (is, are, were, am, was) that currently plague it.

Undergraduate / Personal statement "The fear." [5]

I agree with Simone. That is a good sentence. I'd keep it as "dragged," though. It works stylistically much better than "dragging," though Simone is right about the grammar technically speaking. Still, I've seen this sort of construction used enough in published works that I think you can safely leave it, if you think it sounds better.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay - holiday in Indonesia [10]

I wasn't saying that the things I listed would harm your essay, only that, by themselves, they are not particularly good reasons to let you in to the university. Your essay should express a quality or set of qualities that you want the reader to know about you. You might be able to accomplish this goal by expanding on the anecdote you already have, either by elaborating on your response to it or your reflections on it, but either way, at the moment, your essay needs more.

Part of the problem is that your responses to the incidents you describe at the moment are not heartfelt. They are in fact general cliches. We must be tolerant and live in an environment where people can be safe regardless of their ethnicity. That's something anyone over the age of twelve would know enough to say. There is nothing particularly personal about it. Your reflections need to show a level of thoughtfulness that mirrors the level of specificity in your examples.

Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE LIKES TO LIVE ON THEIR OWN. DISCUSS SOCIAL EFFECTS [8]

Your essay needs more depth. Some of your points are manifestly wrong. Many people in the world still raise very large families with seven or more children. It is no longer the norm in the West, not because people have realized that one cannot raise more than two children (in fact, some people had damn well better, if mankind is not to go extinct) but because women are increasingly choosing to favor career over family. It will, one suspects, be a short-lived trend, as evolutionary theory tells us all such trends must be.


This is at least an answer to the prompt, but it consists of a series of assumptions with no logic or examples included to back them. You need to explain why we should believe these things are true, and why, if they are, they are tied to people generally living on their own.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

This is much stronger. I love the opening description of the school. One thing, though. The last line implies that the program brings together many diverse people, whereas your description of the program makes it sound as if the people would tend to be of the same general class and background. Apart from that though, this is really a very good essay.

Undergraduate / The Brink of Insanity on a Submarine (University of Washington Transfer Essay) [5]

I know you have to include a lot of material to meet the prompt, but it would help if you could find a unifying theme. At the moment, the essay just sort of meanders, and while a lot of it is sort of interesting, the lack of focus makes it difficult for the reader to keep paying attention.

Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]

Your first essay is stronger, because it answers the prompt, which is to tell the reader about an experience you had, not one your father had.

Dissertations / MA thesis... literary theory & criticism [5]

It will be less overwhelming if you break it down:

"canonical works of post-apocalyptic fiction at the turn of the 20th and 21st centuries"

Find out (if you haven't all ready), what these are.

"the rhetoric of"

So next, you need to figure out how the works above mentioned use rhetoric, and to what purpose.

"pre-eminent philosophical and aesthetic ideas of the discussed period?"

And of course you need to figure what the philosophical and aesthetic ideas of the period were.

"changes in poetic imagination in the context of apprehension of terminal end"

And then look at what these are.

Then just sort of slam them all together, looking for any connections that you can see that would be interesting to talk about and relate back to whatever you chose as your overall thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Bad memories should not be treated as a hindrance but as a learning opportunity. [5]

The essay structure itself isn't bad. You have plenty of specific examples that clearly demonstrate your point. Your grammar is painful, though, given the purpose of this test, as Simone's response indicated. Even if English is your second language (and I assume and hope that it isn't your first) you need to make sure your grammar is well-polished on a test meant for educators who are supposed to have a firm grasp of the three basic elements of education, of which writing continues to be one.

Essays / The Use of Animals for Medical Research [5]

niraj, could you please stop shouting at everyone, which is what ALL-CAPS means.

David, argumentation and persuasion are not mutually exclusive, and in fact essays that do one generally also do the other.

If you believe that animals should be used for medical research, then that becomes the core of your thesis statement. Then, you need to decide what your reasons are, and craft a summary of them that you can attach to the thesis core. Also, for this topic, you are going to have to explore some of the objections to animal research, and make it clear what limits, if any, you believe should be placed on it.

The main argument for the side you seem to be leaning towards would be that moral responsibilities generally exist only between moral beings. Animals are not capable of moral reasoning, and therefore cannot be considered moral beings. They are therefore excluded from being objects of moral responsibility in the way people are. So, we have a a moral responsibility to people to try to help them, but no such responsibility to animals. This is a simplified version of the argument of course, and you will have to flesh it out to create a convincing essay, but the case is fairly easy to make, as most people intuitively accept it anyway. Some don't, though, and you will have to respond to their potential objections. I'm sure that at some point, someone who feels strongly about animal rights will stumble on this thread and offer you some idea of what those objections might be.

Writing Feedback / Toefl : professional athletes make too much money? [9]

I know that this is a TOEFL essay, so the quality of the arguments isn't too important, but you might have explored the notion that athletes, like movie stars, make so much money not because they produce anything of great value, but because they produce something of very small value that they sell to millions of people.

Speeches / persuasive speech writing on I WILL BE THE RULER [9]

Yes, the need for a ruler in any area that has a sizable population is self-evident, and need not concern you. If you were really entering into politics, I'd suggest you focus on outlining not only your own qualifications but on demonizing your opponent, too. Dig up some dirt on him/her, and if you can't find any, invent some. But, since this is a school assignment, I suppose you should settle for explaining your vision of the island under your leadership.

Dissertations / "Chronic osmotic stimuli" - PhD thesis [5]

Why do you want these things? If you have made it to the level where you need to have a PhD dissertation, you must surely be able to give us more to go on than what you have stated so far.

Research Papers / 'visited the funfair' - report writing [4]

Why have you posted this in the graduate admission essay section when it does not seem to be, in fact, a graduate admission essay?

Is this an actual report of an event, or are you merely making up a report on an imaginary incident? Based on the wording of the instructions, it sort of sounds as if it might be the latter.


End with a conclusion, of course. Summarize whatever you think the main points of your report are.

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace: Essay for 9th Grade (honors) English [6]

Hmmmm . . . "I'm right?" I appreciate the sentiment, but all I did was ask a series of questions. I offered no opinions of my own.

You seem to be inching towards where you want to be, now.


Perhaps you should be a bit more clear about what the something is, and elaborate a bit on the role it plays in the story. Also, does Gene's recognition of this mean that he does find his peace after all?

Undergraduate / Our university value diversity. Explain what diversity you can bring. [2]


That's it exactly. We need to see some specific examples of ways in which your diverse experiences have shaped who you are. For instance:


Which is shown by the time you . . .
Or, by the way you . . .


And this taught you . . .
Or, you reacted to this by . . .


And you learned from this that . . .

Essays / Writing a diagnostic essay -Introducing yourself [6]

Well, you have a list of things you need to include. So, why not start by carefully writing down all the information you need to put into the essay, and they seeing if you can find a way to tie it all together? Once you have a draft, you can post it here and we can help you revise it.

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace: Essay for 9th Grade (honors) English [6]

Well, if he doesn't, then why is he going back to the school and writing a confession? Aren't those indications of regret?


Those would be very important quotes. I noticed they weren't in your essay. Another question, then: what do you think they mean? Do you think, for instance, that "the enemy" in the first quotation is the same as "my enemy"? Why does the author say that only Phineas was never afraid, only he never hated anyone, as if he were repeating the same point. Being afraid isn't the same as hating someone. Or is it?

And more questions: what is a Maginot Line? In what way did the various characters construct them? Why does the enemy never attack that way? (Hint: This last question is especially interesting, because in WWII the enemy did attack the Maginot Line. In fact, they attacked it at its strongest point using a cunning strategy involving gliders. In further fact, it was the success of the attack that allowed Germany to successfully conquer all of Europe so quickly. If the Line had held a bit longer, France and her Allies might have rallied). Why would it be in doubt if the enemy would attack at all?

Writing Feedback / Making A Difference (to save the environment) [9]

Perhaps you could condense the essay a bit too. The story itself is good, as it shows that you have a lot of initiative and determination, but you could probably convey the same points in a significantly pared down essay just as well.

Grammar, Usage / What is the Difference between Literary Writings & Business Writings [10]

Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]


He must have sat down and played improvisational music several times. Each of these times, he played a song or piece, albeit one that he was making up as he went. He should describe one of these experiences specifically. I stand by my advice.

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace: Essay for 9th Grade (honors) English [6]

Hmmmm . . . if it is true that Gene has escaped blame and maintained a separate peace, why does he return to the school? And why does he tell us a story that he obviously feels horribly guilty about? And what does Gene ultimately conclude about the reasons for why he acted the way he did? And does that in any way tie in to the title of the novel?

So many questions . . .

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

As tal mentioned, the racial frame you use for the story doesn't really work. For you, the racial worries and the concern about your acne must have been bound up together, but the way they are currently presented in the essay makes them seem like separate issues, and so the essay seems to bounce back and forth between two topics. You probably could revise your essay so that the two issues were more tightly interwoven, though, if you wanted to. They both have to do with judging people based on appearances, after all.

Writing Feedback / Is Death Penalty FAIR? Opinion essay. [3]

Oh dear. I agree that the death penalty should be carried out much faster than it currently is (if it is going to be kept), and yet even I can't find much to say that's good about your essay.

First, you don't deal with the issue of potential miscarriages of justice if someone should be wrongfully convicted. The reason the U.S. has such long delays between the sentence being handed out and the sentence being executed, as it were, is that it provides plenty of time for new evidence to be dug up, appeals to be filed, etc. You can't just ignore this if you hope to be convincing.

Second, you seem to believe that the alternative to the death penalty is the release of the condemned back into society:


. As in fact convicted murderers can be kept in jail for life, this is not something that is actually likely to happen.

Third, while your argument that life in prison could just as easily be considered as "cruel and inhumane" as the death penalty could potentially be strong, your method of phrasing weakens it, as you approach it from the point of view of the inmates. I assure you, most people, given a choice, take life over death, even if it is life in prison.

Fourth, none of this addresses the actual prompt, which is whether or not the death penalty is "fair." To do this, you would have to look at whether it is just to take the life of someone who has committed murder (Hint: the answer is pretty clearly yes, under just about any definition of justice that hasn't been tortured by a philosopher specifically trying to defend the abolition of capital punishment). You would also have to look at whether it would be just to execute someone for a crime that did not involve killing (treason, rape). This becomes a harder argument to make. Finally, you might also look at the way the death penalty is actually applied in your country. Some argue that the racial imbalances in the U.S. in the application of the death penalty, for instance, make the death penalty unjust. The argument isn't a very good one, but you probably should deal with it. Also, you will still need to look at the issue of the possibility that the wrongfully accused might be sentenced to death.

Writing Feedback / SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT STUDENTS STUDY EFFECIENTLY IN GROUPS.DISCUSS [5]

All-caps is generally taken as shouting, whether in titles or in posts. Headlines are meant to shout, to attract attention from where they sit on papers in newspaper stands. Online, though, most people tend not to like being shouted at.

You open your essay, by the way, with a massive over-generalization. It is untrue that all "old people" favor individual studying over group studying, just as it is untrue that all "young people" favor group studying over individual studying (which is what your phrasing implies). Also, the terms "old" and "young" are relative. To a four-year old, an eighteen year old is an mature adult. To a seventy year old, a thirty-year old is a kid who still has no real life experience.

Essays / Need help in writing a research Proposal (MS or MSc in Management Sciences). Topic choice. [12]

Once you have taken Simone's excellent advice, try posting both the criteria you need to meet and a draft of your attempt to meet them here. Then we can give you more detailed feedback.