Undergraduate / "help me bring a unique and distinctive perspective" Law School Personal Statement [8]


Okay, I think this should say it has been a theme, not an experience. Of course it is an experience, but change is such an abstract and inclusive term, it needs to be spoken of as a theme.

hyphenate:
year-old

I cannot begin to understand how my parents came to such a life-altering decision without first considering their circumstances. -- I think what you mean to say is that you need to explain their circumstances in order to explain why they made the decision to move.

I cannot begin to convey the reasons for my parents' life-altering decision until I describe their circumstances.

...as home, bringing what little they had in hope to build a new and better life. --- I think you should revise this sentence to tell the main point. What is the main point of the paragraph? My parents chose change over complacency, because they knew that change was a prerequisite for progress.

Writing Feedback / essay - going to university and reasons for it [3]

...there could be many possible reasons for attending college or university - from doing a degree to experiencing new things, emotions, etc.(right after this sentence, before ending the first paragraph you should add a THESIS STATEMENT that tells the main idea of the whole essay.

Simplify:
Of course, there are people who go to university only because their parents made them do it, not because they are concerned about their future or they want to continue their education. ---I took out one comma and one word.

You are doing very well! Keep practicing. The writing has some errors, but you do a great job.
Going to university or college involves important decisions, which we, in specific moments of our lives, have to make. Whether we are motivated or not, we should think firstly first about our future.

Just use "first." I don't think firstly is a good word.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

Nowadays, technology has developed vast in all area, including soil, water and air technology. If I try to envision my country 100 years ago, what was in my country? The British Empire was ruling there.

Most of family was poor, dependent and helpless. --- good sentence!!

People started to meet with each other often.

The second discovery is in area of communication. The telephone and an Internet are beneficial because they enable people to communicate with one other in my country.

The third discovery involves entertainment.

All discovery can help humanity to enjoy an easier life.

:-)

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]

Yeah, that is the worst... it's bad enough that the body grows old, but the mind, too? Not fair.

hey, when I saw thew title of this, I thought you meant faith dims as the light dims. Now I see that you mean faith becomes more important as the light dims.

Well, this life dream we are sharing is one that occurred naturally, so I do have faith in other such dreams. Row your boat!

I recognize those whose minds too must have lost its their ...

Writing Feedback / (Disease) Prevention is better than cure. [6]

Wow triplesmickey, this is a thorough edit!

Trang, I think this is too short to be several paragraphs. Just use one paragraph:
Prevention is better than cure. I completely accede to this state because of some three reasons. Firstly, if people know how to prevent...

:-)

Essays / Is the history understanding relevant in our daily life? [5]


This is the one.
It is like what ershad says.

This topic is interesting. Some would argue that history should be studied even when it seems to have no practical value in daily life.

Writing Feedback / Major cities should receive all the financial support they need. GRE(issue) [3]

The intro is very clear and interesting...

But, one must make sure that it is not a case of the rich becoming richer while the poor stay the same. Apart from the financial support, what the cities need is proper enforcement of t he regulations associated with this aid.

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
People lose faith in the government, and this leads to the terrifying consequence of a possible uprising.

To summarize, cities do deserve an adequate attention from their respective governments in terms of monetary grants and the infrastructure required, but not at the cost of the wellbeing of all other the people under the governance. Ultimately, it must be the development of the entire nation that must be achieved in a balanced way and not with most funds going to a specific region.

:-)

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

The most appealing aspect of SCAD is the professional academic environment with cutting-edge technology. --- don't the other schools have similar technology? If this school has better technology than others, name an example in a brief sentence that you add right after this one.

Trim:
It was then when I took a basic design course which required me to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company. I made three of them, and they were all placed as the best designs in my class. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I tried to make some presentations for the subjects I studied. I learned how to combine text, images, and shapes, and I mastered the effects and animations in iWork Keynote.

and I found this fascinating. (replace this with a sentence that is more interesting)

:-)

Graduate / I have always dreamed of having a job where I could care for and help others [11]

Casey, good call! Also, thanks for the feedback about the Antarctica/seal essay confusion... I didn't mention it in that thread, but I appreciate you helping.

Undergraduate / UC Essay 1 - A library full of children [6]


I think it is good. It means to vent and talk about issues until you feel better.

The way to improve this is to take out unnecessary words:
However, I head to a slightly different place that provides me an equal amount of emotional satisfaction and relief. not better. On my way, there , I stifle my fatigue and liven up for the exciting next two hours. Shortly thereafter, I finally arrive at my destination: the local city library. With no time to lose, I wear fasten my volunteer's tag and dash to the children's department.

See what I mean? Brevity is important.

I have acquired a much more sincere attitude toward my responsibilities for other people after after personally witnessing the positive influence of my effortless work in children's learning experience.

Adverbs and adjectives drain the life out of writing. :-)

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

I'm glad you are participating here! I want to recommend King's On Writing, Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, Diana Hacker's website, and anything by Ursula LeGuin (Steering the Craft is the title I am thinking of.)

If you are trying to improve your writing for college, use Strunk and White along with Hacker.

Most importantly, participate here and discuss essays with us!

Research Papers / the harmonized sales tax - Newspaper Article Summary [3]

This is an excellent skill to develop. Sometimes grad students have to write like this: thesis/problem, evidence, show that it comes from a trend with specific causes, define pertinent words, tell the setting where it is significant, tell about potential solutions or actions to take, and show that they are feasible.

I use this method when I argue with friends and family, and they don't stand a chance! I always win. :-)

So... what do you need help with!? Ha ha...
How long should this paper be? Just put what you have written (in your post above) into an intro paragraph, and start the article review. Your thesis for your paper is what you say the thesis of the article is, and you can use your body paragraphs to support your argument that the article's thesis is what you say it is.

Use quotes from the article, and paraphrase parts of it. Do this to support YOUR thesis which is your statement: "The argument being made in the article is that, although the sales tax is intended to benefit business and spur job creation in its wake, it is actually chasing away customers."

Graduate / Pharm school application (why pharmacy, professional goals, background) [4]

I really hope the admissions person reading this can appreciate good writing, as I do. I really appreciate this excellent essay. It is a cool glimpse into your mind. You knew you wanted to be a health care provider, but you did not like blood or bodily fluids, etc. that is kind of cute! Yet, it shows that you have long known that you wanted to be a pharmacist.

Will you study herbal medicine, too? How about the healing arts, like craniosacral therapy, acupressure, and even chiropractic medicine? You have other options, too, so keep an open mind and supplement your pharmacy training with other healing arts as well.

The mere thought of blood oozing out makes me squeamish, and the idea of sticking my hands into another person's bacteria-infested mouth repulses me to the highest degree possible. These reasons aspects of my personality would have surely made me a poor candidate for a physician and dentist.

...was something I noticed in the quality of their character: the satisfaction and enthusiasm they all had with them.

How about that?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts topic high levels of violence in films today :D [8]

Azeri, thanks for those kind words.

Nghi, how is your name pronounced? Does it rhyme with "sky?"
I'm glad you are participating here.

If you want to improve your writing, use some of the ideas provided here and post a NEW DRAFT of the essay. Then, we'll look to see if you still have mistakes. Please comment on some other people's essays, too. Thanks for joining EssayForum!

Writing Feedback / GRE TEST:Issue130 How children are socialized today determines the destiny of。。 [8]


When I edit your essay, you become aware of mistakes that you otherwise would not have discovered.

When you create art, you express yourself in ways that would otherwise not be possible.

By saying 'otherwise' we mean this:
The arts reveal the ideas and impulses of a society that would remain hidden if art could not be used to uncover them.

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Recommendation to change the marketing style of a company [11]

I know I corrected the prompt! It just reminded me of that teacher...

:-)

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]

Ha ha, yes, so I may as well learn Sanskrit.


The United States is like that too. We have too much diversity to choose a national language. Some people are upset about it and want to establish English as the national language, but I think it is best to keep it inclusive.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay on making an important decision - test prep, CBEST. [5]

...while bad ones bring us into the middle of nowhere.

Throughout my entire life, the hardest decision that I've ever made would definitely be getting into college. --- why was this a hard decision? A hard decision is when you need to choose between 2 things and you don't know what to choose.

I think Silkesha wanted to know, too, the same thing I want to know... what is the difficult decision you had to make? At the end of the first para, give a sentence that makes the reader know exactly what decision you are talking about.

:-)

Dissertations / Pursuing MA-Psychology: choosing latest Ph.D topic in HRM [3]

Outsourcing and offshoring of labor is a big topic these days. Also, you might be interested in

No Easy Path to HRM Performance Measurement Systems: Exploring the Introduction of the U.S. Human Capital Assessment and Accountability Framework and the Flemish Management Code

Vandenabeele and Hondeghem, Public Personnel Management, Vol. 37, 2008

Best Hrm Practices and Employees' Psychological Outcomes: a Study of Shipping Companies in Cyprus Journal article by R. D. Pathak, Pawan S. Budhwar, Virender Singh, Panayiotis Hannas; South Asian Journal of Management, Vol. 12, 2005

How Real Is the Rhetoric? a Survey of American Hr Managers' Views about HRM."
by Mamman, Christopher J. Rees; International Journal of Management, Vol. 21, 2004

Writing Feedback / Scandals -whether in politics, academia, or other areas-can be useful. GRE(Issue) [6]

Here is an error:
Recently, a judge of the local anti-corruption court in the state of Karnataka in India resigned, stating citing lack of cooperation from the government in punishing the wrongdoers within the administration as the reason for her decision.

or
Recently, a judge of the local anti-corruption court in the state of Karnataka in India resigned, stating that her decision was motivated by a lack of cooperation from the government in punishing the wrongdoers within the administration.

you can write corruption-free but not corrupt free.
...and a corruption-free society.

You write very well! This one is not really a mistake, but I want to show you an alternative way of writing it:
Though scandals are things people would generally not want to be associated with, let alone be involved with, they have their own share of...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Is the opinion of the majority-in government or in any other circumstances-a poor [4]

Throughout history, when a kind of opinion or the voice of the government spread about, more and more people will join in and start supporting these ideas no matter good or bad.--- this is an interesting idea.

I'll rewrite it this way:
Throughout history, when propaganda has been used to promote an idea, more and more people will join in and start supporting the idea no matter good or bad.

Practice using the past verb tense. That is where you make mistakes. Verb tense is very difficult to learn!!

Past tense:
During that time period, all of America was facing the Great Depression.

The society was precarious because people did not have enough utilities to sustain their lives, and the gap between black and white remained serious. African-American man could not receive the same ...

Writing Feedback / Child Labor in the World - children are not anyone's property. [8]


Well, there is a good example of how the children are mistreated. One of them dropped a glass, and the manager yelled at them, creating a hubbub. Hubbub is a good word! :-)

Writing Feedback / "Welcome to the good life" - Compare and Contrast Essay (Rich vs Poor) [5]


Well, there is also the middle class...

Despite that the majority is poor each category has advantages over the other. The difference between wealthy people and the poor citizens of the world is quite simple. The distinction is that wealthy people have an easier more suitable life than the poor. average citizen. Meanwhile the poor do not have the glamorous life that some greed for desire, but to them it is just as good... and maybe even better.

I think you are talking about "appreciation." Maybe it should be the theme of your essay.

Actually, now I do see that you refer to appreciation twice. That is a good theme...

Many believe that the poor class of society are miserable and unappreciative of the opportunities handed down to them (Cline, 2010).----- the period comes after the parenthetical reference.

These skeptics do not see the true soul of the poor; the poor do not want to be looked down upon, because they are regular human beings, citizen who are a little unfor tunate to be in their circumstances. What they do not see is that many poor people are happy with their lives . In addition, while it is true that the majority of the rich are very happy with their lives, we should not forget that many of the elite rich class are unhappy with their life the lives they are living. This doesn't mean that...

:-)

Undergraduate / International University of Art and Design, trying to apply [7]

Cool, Linmark! Good call. In fact, it might be good to simplify even more and say this powerfully:
I want to become a part of the world of fashion, the world where fascinating people unite and ...

It was as if that career had been laid out just for me. The description fit my exact hobbies and lifestyle . --- I don 't like this part...

In my spare time, I love to sew, cut, and tailor clothing from my closet and/or fabric I purchase.

It was as if the writer of the story of my life had intended all along that I enter this industry, which is so perfectly aligned with my interests. In my spare time, I love to sew, cut, and tailor clothing from my closet and/or fabric I purchase.

Also, it is almost always better not to write "I believe."

I believe I should be admitted to the program because I am...

:-)

Graduate / When it comes to robots, reality still lags science fiction; SOP -for MS in robotics [7]

Simplify:

Every person during their childhood is stimulated to think of a A world filled with robots and machines through movies, cartoons, and works of science fiction by the likes of Isaac Asimov, Jules Verne and Ken Macleod -- this is what caused me to dream of having my own R2D2 and C3PO...

During the year 2007, I remember w Watching an episode of "Super Factories," I was enthralled to see robots assisting in the manufacturing of the BMW Z-4 roadster, and...

I, __________, have recently completed my Bachelor of
I recently completed my Bachelor of ... --- simpler is more powerful...

If you do not like the first paragraph, you might want to write it again now that the essay is completed. I always write my introductions last.

Work on saying everything you want to say in fewer words. This is what readers like, and it is what makes powerful, efficient communication.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Memory from the past can always give people more specific guide in the present - SAT [6]


These are the first two sentences I see, so I get confused right away. Is she arguing that memory should not be considered so important, or is she arguing that memory should be considered important. I think the old saying means we should stay in the present and not rely on memory. You might want to choose a different quote. However, I might be wrong!!:-)

You should practice with the past tense for verbs:
Howard was born in a blue-collar family--- good!
both his parents have had to work from dawn to night in an effort to support the living of the family. --- I changed have to had.

It was pretty common that the poor family ran out of money at the end of each month, --- good past tense!
...so Howard and his little sister have to eat cheese accompanied by bread that was often twelve months old.--I changed have to had.

I don't want to give a score, because I don't know how to score accurately.

There are some mistakes, though, like this:
At the age of 10, Iqbal escaped from the carpet factory and was freed by a member of the International Labor Constitution.

In the gloomy, shadowy and damp loom, this little kid got insufficient food and sleep. --- excellent!!

Six years later, at the age of 12, he was ...

Keep practicing!! Thanks for participating here!
:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Recommendation to change the marketing style of a company [11]


One of my teachers in college was very particular about the word "revert." She hated it when anyone would say "revert back," because it is redundant. "Revert" is enough without "back."

...we must revert back to net marketing instead of...


After this sentence, I would add a thesis sentence that gives a list of reasons you find the argument unconvincing. I think this intro needs at least one more sentence.

Missing words here: The argument would have if the above mentioned flaws were taken into account.

Hey, you know what I just thought of? The best way to prepare for this kind of essay is to google this:
critical thinking logical fallacies list

Study and memorize several logical fallacies, and you will easily be able to recognize them in any argument.

Dissertations / Phd in research - rural marketing [6]

Moreover, some issues which are very simple and are not noted as issues can create major problems in the market. --- is this what you mean to say? I made some changes.

I suspect that you got this idea from some articles you have read. Marketing is not a subject I know well, but I do know about dissertations. You can write your dissertation about a topic you have been reading about. It is just like contributing to a conversation among friends.

Look through your school database and find 1 article written in the past 3 years about this topic that interests you. Read the literature review that comes after the introduction.

Write a paragraph about what this author says, and then find some of the articles she cites in her lit review.

Repeat that process for every article that is related to your topic and that you understand well. Keep weaving a web of ideas until you have looked at what 20 different scholars have sais about rural marketing in the past 3 to 5 years.

This will take you many months. Do not choose your topic at the beginning, but instead let your topic develop as you read and write.

As you apply for your program, though, you can tell them you are interested in this:
My area of interest is the way to solve major problems in rural marketing by uncovering problematic issues that have not yet been recognized as problematic issues. I am inspired by the work of (name) and (name) because of the way they identify problems that had gone unnoticed.

Does this idea help you?

Essays / Studying History is pointless - stuck on this essay question [3]

Hi Sophi,

Rather than repeating the good advice azeri gave, I'll add that your essay should be a little like music. You have to listen for it, and when the words come to mind they have a kind of rhythm.

Ask yourself this question, is studying history pointless, and see what sentence comes to mind.

Yes, because we should stay in the present moment. No, because humanity repeats its mistakes if history is not studied. Maybe, depending on what is important to you.

Whatever argument you choose, get inspired!

Remember that one paragraph = one well-developed idea that is given in the topic sentence of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Describing graph + studying the past - two essays [2]

The given bar graph shows in percentage the contributions of three ...

The contributions of three sectors changed significantly during the period. Specifically, the proportion of...

and use the word "throughout"
Unlike the trend of business and financial services, manufacturing had a tendency to decline throughout the whole century.

When a sentence has plural nouns, keep it plural:
...to learn about our ancestors' lives or things from the past...---- you learn about lives and things (plural)

But being unaware of the past, kids will not be grateful for what our ancestors sacrificed to make the world a wonderful place like it is right. to make the world the wonderful place that it is.

You are doing very well!!!

Undergraduate / International Dentist needs to write essay to go to nursing school [4]


What is meant by this? I think you might mean "the development of my interest in nursing."
This could include discussion of nursing philosophy (i.e. altruism, human dignity, etc.), so you could actually choose the first topic but also write about concepts from the second topic.

I think that the best thing to do is choose this topic about the development of your interest in nursing and write about what makes you want to choose this instead of some other program. What makes you want to learn nursing instead of continuing with dentistry?

Most importantly, come up with a theme that will help the reader to remember you. Make sure you use a memorable phrase or word, and you can use it in the beginning, middle, and end of the essay.

When you have written something, we'll help you correct any errors you might have.

Undergraduate / The future of our society and foreign policy: UT Austin, Important Issue [4]

I like this essay a lot!

Azeri gave better advice than I was about to give. I was just going to suggest doing a paragraph break here:
It is the country of Afghanistan.
(new para)
Currently, the ...

I don't think the essay deviates from the topic, but really, I see some great insight in what Azeri is saying. If the last paragraph got more specific, this would indeed be better, but how specific can it really get?

The essay does seem to be very solid: telling about an issue of importance for the future. You show deep understanding of the issue, too.

Undergraduate / Any additional things we should know about you? (optional) University of Florida [4]

Twelve years later, I find that today, inside and outside of the classroom, I continue to be the inquisitive student I was at the start of my education.--- I think this is better with the middle crossed out.

My love of learning and thirst for knowledge has allowed enabled me to persist through a rigorous course load at Villa Maria Academy ( no comma necessary here) and to seek to continue my education at University of Florida. I envision myself walking along the plush campus to class, surrounded by students as enthusiastic and spirited about learning and life in general as I am (say something about envisioning yourself learning about subjects related to your chosen field.

I feel that attending University of Florida would offer me ample resources to discover all that I can and to further develop my persona as a student. Again, say something about your chosen field or some concept that the reader can associate with you. What concept should the reader use to remember you?

:-)

Research Papers / Nikki Giovanni, "My Own Style [3]


What do you mean by this?

I am confused about the instructions, but the place to start is always right where you are. Read a little of it, and write an idea that comes to mind. Have confidence in your own ideas.

When you write, this is all you need to know.For every idea, write a sentence. Then, add a sentence with more explanation or an example. Then, add another sentence about how this idea relates to other ideas involved with the book or the essay prompt. Finally, conclude the paragraph with one last sentence... one that considers the implications of the idea.

Each idea you have = one sentence, and that sentence grows into a paragraph.

Letters / How to write a good recomendation letter? (MS Program) [19]

Yes, imagine being a teacher and having hundreds of students who want letters of rec. Still, it would be nice if teachers had all the info about you already due to their interest in your success.

:-)

Thanks for participating at EF, Taylor...

Undergraduate / UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...] [14]

In writing, there is a rule: show, don't tell.

That means it is better to give examples to show the reader that you are determined and intellectual... instead of TELLING the reader.

Tell, and the mind resists the idea. Show, and the mind comes to the idea on its own.

I like this part:
My parents always said I was "as busy as a bee." My self determination is one of the qualities that have grown with me throughout my life. The reason for my determination is that I am excited about learning __________ (talk about your chosen field.) Finish this first paragraph with a sentence that tells the reader all about how you will contribute to the processes of others entering the field you have chosen.

Para #2 can be about tenacity:
When I want something in life, I will do whatever it takes to reach my goal. I never give up on something or someone. The obstacles in life are there for a purpose, so we can overcome them. --- This very good writing! Do not sermonize too much, though. Act as though you cannot help talking about your chosen field and all that you want to research and learn alongside others interested in this field.

Your most important contribution is your enthusiasm for your chosen field. :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE TEST:Issue130 How children are socialized today determines the destiny of。。 [8]

The effects of education are too complex to be predicted, and this complexity is due to the very nature of the developmental process of things. Complexity and uncertainty are inherent in human society; therefore, the way children were socialized may not be very crucial in terms of one's growing into a useful or valuable person.

I made lots of small changes to this sentence.
:-)

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]


Ha hahahah... well, rhythm comes from a kind of energy that keeps you excitedly writing.

Hey, I really like the intro now.

with cutting-edge technology, the historic culture and the pleasant atmosphere of the parks and beaches, and also between academic quality and athletic consideration. (I cut out the part that was not helpful. I think you should add more sentences about what you will accomplish by using the technology and resources. Show them that you cannot wait to get involved with the most current work that is being done. Talk about current topics in your chosen field and how the resources at this school can help you to become one of the key players in this kind of work... or accomplish whatever you want in the field.

Less is more:
Design in my mind is never only about making the best artwork for others to simply see, but more importantly it is about putting my feet in others' shoes to understand how they feel about my artwork.

I think what you mean to say is that you need to assume the perspectives of others in order to design images in a way that will create an experience for them.

:-)

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]

Ha ha, yeah, ancient languages are tough to learn because you can't get immersed... unless you listen to that radio station all day, the one Ershad mentions. Oh, it's not even a rado station but just a news bulletin. Oh well... I tried to learn Latin in high school and it was the same: difficult to find application.

But all the ancient meditation instructions are written in Sanskrit. Meditation practice is really important, I think!

Vaishali, what did you learn instead of Sanskrit when the class was canceled?

Grammar, Usage / An interview on writing, sentence structure, and grammar - where to start? [2]

Hi Cindy, I'm not sure what you mean. What does the interview have to do with the writing task? I think you need to write an essay about these three topics, so write a paragraph about each.

Let each paragraph start with a topic sentence that tells your main idea.
So, you'll have 3 ideas... one about each of the three topics.

Each idea gets a paragraph dedicated to it. Each paragraph starts with a sentence about that idea.

That is how to start. When you have written 3 paragraphs, look for what truth they all have in common. Whatever truth they all share, make that your thesis statement in the intro paragraph. Make it so that the intro paragraph ends with a thesis statement that tells the main idea of the whole essay.

:-)