Research Papers / "childhood obesity, who is to blame?" [3]

one may ask why or how this is happening to our youth?


a confusing statement... think of re-phrasing it; My suggestion;
One root to this obesity issue can be traced to the decisions that parents make regarding feeding their children. These decisions may directly or indirectly influence the eating habits of their children.

Undergraduate / UW CSE's personal statement - Finding my own path [2]


every question and plan / all questions and plans


prefer if you can present this more clearly.... a bit confusing :(

Graduate / Why Do You Want to Become a Teacher? -- Bac Elementary Education [4]

Hi Graham,

I just made my comments on another thread that too starts with very similar sentences and the prompt too is the same. If you are not the same person, have a look at the other thread, and avoid your chances for being caught plagiarism.


Very nice... a very good quote indeed :)

However, I like the reason I found in the other essay which arouses emotional feelings of the reader. And hope both of you are the same guy :)

Graduate / Why Do You Want to Become a Teacher? -- Bac Elementary Education [4]

Dear Jaime,

You indicate a strong point in your second para to tell the reader that what inspired you to be a teacher. It's an interesting story. There again, tell the reader what your real problem had been, I mean with what learning disability you suffered during your elementary college time. Mention the scientific name of the disability. Try and avoid irrelevant details and be focused. And then tell how you got rid of it and the value of the contribution that teacher made in helping you recover from that disability. Also stress the fact that you too got inspired by this personal experience.

I personally admire your intentions and they have a great value and if everybody attempts to give back something to the world like this, then this world would be a great place to live. If you can get the reader to feel it, your essay would turn out to be an outstanding one. You have very strong case and points :)

Waiting for your next draft .... love to help a person like you :)


---------- Although the diagnosis of my learning disability did not happen until I attended college(specify which level - elementary or high school)

Writing Feedback / THE IMPORTANCE OF EDUCATION (beneficial for society on the whole) [4]


view on the world


civilized


average level of education is not the same in different areas

Graduate / Why Do You Want to Become a Teacher? -- Bac Elementary Education [4]

Hi Jaime,


I feel this drags too much and does not reveal much information to arouse the reader's interest to find out why you want to become a certified teacher. You say you searched quotes and found some interesting ones. Then you say out of all one echoed in your ear. Then you bring in this coworker's story.... All these may annoy the reader and it seems that you have too many irrelevant facts for your introductory para.... The introductory para needs to be very strong and catchy to grab readers attention. So, do away with these detailed stuff. Simply start saying that while you searching a good quote for this essay, you found one quote (have to tell the reader exactly what this quote is) which exactly describes your why you have such a strong desire for pursuing this course. Then explain briefly what you aim to gain from it that would help achieve your dreams. :)

Writing Feedback / IELST : spent money on space exploration is a complete waste of time [2]


which needs to spend---------- activity needs, activities need


yet its discoveries may not necessarily bring in good results to the people.


----- Reader would be confused about what you mean. I think you try to say that space discoveries do not help find solutions for the most important issues of people in relation with as food, shelter and health. It is a confusing statement and better re-phrase. Some grammar issues in this sentence;


basic necessities


food, shelter


living in the third world (note; third country is wrong and it should be third world )

Writing Feedback / PROSTITUTION: WHAT CAN BRING IF IT IS BEING LEGALIZED? [5]


adverse effects


The reader gets confused here. Are you trying to say ;
but it is disappointing to note that the issues related to prostitution are still not understood properly.

Writing Feedback / Both parents work, bad or good?? [8]


This is good, but have an extension to say why :)
In conclusion, I firmly believe that we cannot change the fact that both parents have to work nowadays to meet modern challenges of
families.


happy mode


keep a balance


say this differently;

children would be benefited in their emotional, psychological and personality development.

Undergraduate / 'what I've done in my high school time" - Something about yourself... Penn State [9]

We are awaiting your revised version to give our comments :D

Writing Feedback / 'I firmly object to it' - IELTS - Capital punishment is necessary or not ? [4]


Excellent intro :)


well written again... however, you better take the part "execution does not resolve the consequences of crime" off from this sentence because it is more or less the same reason you are going to talk about in your next body para. Restrict one reason to one body para and support it with more specific examples. Your reason here is that even the criminals have a right to live for the fact that they are too human beings. But you have not supported this reason very directly with an example. For example, you can say something like;

I read an article about a murder case in which the convict has murdered his employer since his has been subjected so much injustice that had ruined his personal and family life completely leaving him with no hope for life. Therefore, sometimes there can be very serious socioeconomic reasons that compel people to commit serious crimes even these criminals do not necessarily have the mentality of a murderer.

Provide a specific example to your reason. Have one reason for one para :)
You display excellent writing skills. You'll surely go for a flying score :)
Good luck!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Ess; development of housing or industry is also profitable but not healthy [4]

It's okkkkkk... let it be so because others can see your topic is something to do with TOEFL. However, when you post a new essay do it under writing feedback category :)


Just say- in my country, India, ....

Rising population automatically helps to increase housing and industry in country especially in Metro Politian cities.

I think that if there will be more land to be left in its natural condition then, it can save us from many problems like health and environmental problems.

Your introduction meets many of expected features in a TOEFL essay. You give a brief description about the issue and you state clearly your opinion regarding the argument. However, you can convince the reader to take your side of the argument better, if you say something to the effect consuming most of the country's land for these purposes has imposed a great threat on environmental related issues and then talk about them. So , just insert a sentence between the last one and the one before it to establish a link and improve your flow of ideas.... Anyways... good intro :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: 'I can accumulate wealth' - purchase either a house or a business [3]


people - the word people itelf is a plural word that means a set of individuals. Therefore "peoples" is wrong.

If I have enough money to buy a house or a business then i will purchase a business rather thenthan a house because business will give me an opportunity to accumulate money and businessit(don't repeat the same word) can also create job opportunity ies for the other peoples , who are seeking for jobs .

Letters / 'well-organized and reliable officer' - A letter to recommend my friend for study [3]


My suggestion;
Mr Thongphet worked under me from 2007 to 2010 as ...(state his designation) when I was the Head of Research and Strategic Planning Centre at Banque Pour Le Commerce Exterieur Lao Public

In the meantime, he was a market researcher withand hismain responsibilities included meeting clients to discuss and survey their needs and requirements

Writing Feedback / Both parents work, bad or good?? [8]


necessay support


parent's support


and affect their academic performance seriously


alarming threat


I wish if you said this little differently;
Moreover, this can be an alaming threat to the family bonds. When parents have less time to spend with their children due to their work pressure, it would distant family interactions and thereby creating harmful effects on family bondage.


Parents should be aware that their children's psychological and emotional needs are equally important as their physical needs in order to have a bright future for them.

Writing Feedback / Both parents work, bad or good?? [8]


good point.
resticted to families


------- Nice way of telling your opinion. I like it :)

My opinion is that both parents working areis an inevitable trend, ------- it refers to working and not to both parents


I prefer this way -" parents must find ways to keep a good balance between family and work life"


-------- this sentence is really too long and hence disturbs it's flow.... Also be careful with providing too many examples (I have noticed you have this temptation :D) In fact in this sentence you can easily avoid the tution part 'cause you have already talked about schooling. You can save time by providing one solid example for each reason. Many examples are unlikely to help you score more marks, but may cause you to run out of time. So be careful.

extra salary - extra income
school fee - school fees


you are repeating the same idea again. But you have presented this part nicely. Have a look at my suggestion in which I combine both;

It is undoubted that having both parents employed would reward their families and children in monetary terms. A stable source of finance is always a foundation of a harmonious and happy family. In this respect, a working wife contributes a lot to the wellbeing of her family by sharing the financial burdens with her husband shoulder to shoulder. Such families enjoy better options in life than the families that struggle with single income earners. For example, my parents, who were both working, could easily afford to educate me in one of the best schools in my country. But my father's collegue in office, who was in the same earning capacity as my father, decided to educate his son in a government school, which provided free education but had limited resources and fascilities for the students, although his preference was to educate his son at my school. This was due his inablity to afford being the single bread winner at home.

In this type of exams, if you can quickly come up with a very specific case to go with your reason, it saves your time and earns you marks

:)

Writing Feedback / prison is the most common solution when people commit a crime [3]


this has a grammar issue; correct form - it can reflect


this should be said in passive voice;
then it can be reflected by their future activities.


with their qualifications


Therefore these people have less reasons to commit criminal activities

Letters / Need help with the progress report (Memo Format) [4]

We can help you when you write your memo and post it to the forum. You can google and find out the memo formats and choose the most appropriate one for you.

You usually follow a general format, but it may vary according to specific requirements of the institution ;
To:
cc:
From;
Subject;
Date;
Reference;

Then in the body;
Heading
Message

Writing Feedback / IELTS - 'choosing own career by young people' [3]


Grammatically this is wrong. It is either;
career shoud be chosen (passive voice)
should choose career (active voice)


Some people point out that one should chose his career as per his wishes.


- this is very confusing. What do you mean by "front one" ? I guess you tried to mean "former argument". However, it is better you state you clearly state your opinon.

Try this;

I agree with the argument that young people should be given freedom to choose their career on their own.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY2: English is the primary foreign language. [5]

Dear Hadi,
Your introduction needs revision... I find it difficult to grasp your ideas because they do not flow well there. The reader has to come to body paras to know in which side of the argument you are in. Why not try short, simple and clear sentences.

Undergraduate / 'what I've done in my high school time" - Something about yourself... Penn State [9]

Hi Nhu,

I think others have given you important hints as to how you should improve this piece of writing. I also feel that you need to tell them more about you as a person. Take a look at the following statement;


This sounds a strong statement. Why do you say that it helps you break out of your shell? Explain it in detail, how it helped you develop your personality. This point has potential for you to comeout with more interesting and emotional writing to impress your panel.

Writing Feedback / what cause some students to cheat in their exams [5]

Hi Thu,

Don't think you write so bad... for most of us, English is not our first language and therefore we need to keep improving our English writing skills. If you have that attitude it is easy for you to learn English faster. Pay attention to grammar mostly, and of course to your essay structure. I remember EF Kevin's useful advice. He asks those who struggle with grammar to write the correct sentence ten times. It helps you remember the correct form. I too recommend his advice to you.


------- inability is the word that means having no ability

The second reason for cheating is the student's inability to face the exam.--------- Try to express your ideas in short sentences, preferably in active voice. That helps you avoid mistakes and present your idea more directly and clearly.


From one side - I'm not in favor of this phrase ... it does not sound proper... Instead I suggest - on one hand / One reason is that My suggestion

On one hand the students don't have self confidence---------- note ; self confidence and not self confidences'

I don't say your English writing is very good, but it is not very bad either.... You show lots of potential for improvement... So try hard and you'll be there :)

Undergraduate / Personal statement for MSc in Financial Mathematics and Computation [3]


---------- good opening :)

the emergence of financial innovations has becomeplayed an important role in financial markets forbetter risk management.to manage risk better .


---------- What is CDO? you've got to tell us :)

Scholarship / 'Nowadays in Berlin' - cutting 60 words and final corrections: Community service [3]

Some suggestions to come down on your word count;


------------ During my stay in Argentina / While I was in Argentina


I was part of a small non-profit dance ensemble that focused on bringing cultural activities to Argentinian provinces without a regional performance scene.


------------- we organized


--------- This is one of my most memorable and inspiring career experiences .
Being able to introduce dance to others and experiment it's therapeutic and liberating effect, it would always help me to reconnect with that basic "organic need" that made me become a dancer in first instance. --------------- think of rephrasing this sentence. Your idea does not flow well ... a bit confusing


I enjoy working with an ambitious talented multidisciplinary team that organizes cultural events and promotes activities of exchange.

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]

I read trough what you have written and skimmed the essence of it. So, this covers all the points you've said above, may be in a more concise way. You can have this approach if you like and insert more information that you feel necessary. What I tried to give you was mainly the approach and the structure.

Don't bother about your word count so long as you don't exceed it too much. You can also keep it low too. What matters is that you have meaningful and interesting facts to read. You need to impress the panel with everything you tell them. :)

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]

Some typos;


...and the country that need the it very badly

I know LSBF is the place that I should be in, to make my parents proud and happy

sorry :(

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]

Okkkkk.... here's the rest;

I am now on the verge of completing my undergraduate studies. When I ask myself what should be my next step to reach my dream, I am convinced that I need to further sharpen my knoweldge in Finance while having access to gain practical exposure in the best capital markets. After doing some research, I found that the London School of Business and Finance is the place that has every capability in helping me in making my dream a reality. If my application is accepted by LSBF, the doors would be open for me to be exposed to the world-class education, top global markets, challenging business environments and, most importantly, valuable networking opportunities. With a masters degree in Finance from LSBF, I would certainly be equipped to take up any challenge in the world of finance as a confident professional with broadened perspectives.

Now there is a serious challenge before me; How am I going to find financial support for my graduate studies? Knowing my parents have done more than their best for me to succeed in my academic goals, I cannot burden them anymore. It is neither fair nor ethical. At the same time, I am not prepared to give up my dream because not only I am confident that I can reach it but also I want to pay back my family for all the hardships they went through in their efforts to support me. I also want to make a meaningful contribution to my community and the country that need the it very badly. I know LSBF is the place that I should be in to make my parents proud and happy, give back my best to my community and my nation at large.

Therefore, I consider myself as a well deserving candidate for this scholarship becaue it would not only grant financial aid to someone who has a proven track record as a promising student but also to someone who looks forward to inspiring the lives of many more.

Good Luck with your scholarship! :)

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]

I did a small inclusion to this sentence in your second para -
My parents had to work very hard to ensure that I and my brother were given a decent living and a good eduction.

This is my suggestion for your third para;

This dream motivated me to be hardworking and committed to my studies. I excelled in my High school performance that helped me earn a scholarship to cover 50% of the expenses of my undergraduate studies at the Victoria Universtiy of Wellington where currently I am a final year student doing a double major in Accounting and Finance. I do a part time job to cover the balance part of financing. However, my earnings are not sufficient to meet all the expenses and therefore I often have to depend on my parent's support too. However, I am committed to my dream and despite all the struggles and obstacles with regard to financing, I still managed to win the Excellence Award for my performance in Accounting subjects and had myself included in the Dean's List for Excellent Academic Performance.

Wish to know how you feel about this. Do you like the way it goes?

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Discussion & Opinion about an essay on how the new sport objects impacting people's health. [5]


- the public


---------------- sports facilities should be provided by governments


----------------- this sentence is too long and hence less clarity... Split it to two


you should tell us how such efforts can help build a healthy nation in order to establish a link with your topic.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY IELTS2: separate classes in gender bases category. [2]

The ministry of educationiI n some countries, is claimed to separate boys and girls study togetherinirrespective of gender based classesdifference , however theyclasses have been separated already according to gender in many others. The reason in most of the cases is to get more concentration and good results could be achieved(no comma ) Ww hile others prefer to letthink having both sexes together in all classesone class would help reduce misunderstandings between men and women . Each opinion has advantages and disadvantages, I would like to explain both ideas as well as totakemaintain a middle statusmoderate stancebetween them in the following paragraphs.due to following reasons;

Dear Hadi - I am happy that you have understood the essay structure of this type of task. Your intro contains the main features of that structure. Even, your body paras do not deviate from the expected structure and so does the conclusion. However, try to give specific examples to your reasons in the body paras. (the first one seems lacking such example, second one is ok :) )

However, you need to pay lots of attention to your grammar and vocabulary. In your intro, I found these issues;


--------- I have done the correction above... do not combine too many ideas together. Keep your sentences simple and clear. Although it is not recommended to repeat your theme topic, you can get lots of help from that. Just follow its idea closely.


------- remember that while is used to combine two ideas. So it has to be one sentence. However, these two ideas do not go hand in hand because you need to give a reason as to why some support mixed gender classes. Have a look at my suggestion above.


-------- this is not proper; try - moderate opinion, moderate stance

Try again your introduction and post it in this thread. As EF Kevin suggests, write the corrected sentences at least ten times again and again. That helps you memorize the correct grammar forms. :)

I hope to help you more with this essay when I get time.
Good Luck!

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]


This is what I propose for your second para;
I was not born into a wealthy family. My parents had to work very hard to ensure that I and my brother were given a decent living. I grew up amid st many hardships that, in my belief, built my character very strong. The more challenges I faced, the stronger I became and learned to fight and stand up no matter what it calls for. This was the main reason that I never wanted to give my dream of pursuing an Accounting career, the field I became very passionate about while I was in High School..... well, these may be my ideas and if you need changes you can do them :D .... Also I need to understand the section below to help you out with this para


tell me what VUW is ... your high school? for which course you got this scholarship? who financed your bachelors? etc. etc.

Letters / (Customer Service Representative position) - my cover letter for a bank teller [4]

Thanks Hadi and wish you good luck for your exam. Post your essays to the forum and I shall try my best to help you.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'characteristics of societies while studying in big cities' - GRE issue essay [5]


This is your earlier introduction and I like it more :)
The second one is also not bad, but I found the following sentence struggles a bit when trying to deliver your idea to the reader


However, a close examination reveals that blindly studying a major a city in view of understanding its society tends to provide more problematic and inaccurate information.

When you talk about other forms of studies, it sounds a bit out of topic. The prompt directly asks your opinion on the statement. So, better you state very clearly that you agree or not in the introduction itself. Then the reader is with a clear mind to follow your essay. :)


------- I prefer if you keep this part plural;
lead stressful and challenging lives.


--------- strong sentence

The people, who live in a suburb, are often friendlier and more approachablehospitable in nature.


------------ your argument should not be focused on blindly studying a major city. You need to argue that studying a major city may not reveal the real facts about the society. The word ''blindly'' is a bit too harsh in this scenario. I feel it's better if you argue in a more diplomatic manner why studying major cities could provide a false picture of that society, rather than rejecting the idea in a harsh manner. Also try to be more focus on to your prompt;

Hence, studying a major city may lead a person to form an impression about its society which deviates much from the actual facts.

Whatever their purposes of visiting they inevitable introduce their cultures and traditions into Manhattan society ----- I cannot get a hang of this idea... what do you mean?

You display good writing skills Vivian. You also have great ideas too. Just pay attention to the essay structure and be more focused on to your prompt. Good Work!

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]


I suggest this for your opening statement;
Scholarships encourage promising students, especially the ones who need financial assistance, to pursue their academic dreams. I can confidently claim that I am one such promising student who is looking forward to touching and inspiring many more lives through my academic successes;

I hope to help you with the rest of the essay if you like this approach. Let me know :)

Undergraduate / 'When one dies...' - What experience defines you as a person? [4]

I think you have presented two good cases to define you as a person... Let's look at the death of your mom's father, who was a politician. His death surely would have put you on a test to know what your personality is. You give indications, by explaining the event in detail, that you are a strong personality who could act sensibly at a tragic moment like that. But you need to express that strongly. In other words, tell the panel that this event helped you discover this strong personality trait within you and with that you continued to be so.


This needs to be rephrased since it tends to confuse the reader as he reads it. I suggest;
He went into politics not because he wanted the power or money but because he loved his people and wanted to dedicate his life for their betterment.


Keep this in past tense;
At first, my family did not tell us. Eventually, my brother and I figured out something queer had happened because the helpers turned off the television. I slowly walked into my room and found out what has happened from the news broadcast.

I also feel you give too much details about the incident. Every little thing happened there but very little is told about you finding out your inner strength. It is good to have details to arouse emotions, but talk more about discovering yourself.

Writing Feedback / what cause some students to cheat in their exams [5]

Nowadays, the problem of cheating in exams , or academic dishonesty as some colleges and high schools refer to it, is not a new problemvery common in Vietnam and the other countries. --------------------- Nowadays makes new problem sounds redundant


While the demand for educated labour is getting higher and higheron the increase , there are only fewer workers who can meet these needsthe required level of literacy . This problem may be originating from the students' ability to cheatingat theduring exams


I think you better present this idea differently. It's a strong point and looks like it's not given it's due recognition :) ;
Cheating at the exams may be one of the root causes for this issue that enables students to possess credentials that they actually have not earned on merit.

Writing Feedback / More and more young people are turning to drugs. reasons and solutions [8]

Yes.... this is forum sets an example about the good things that social forums can do for the society. This is really a cool place which offers something very meaningful!

Okkkkkk... you are making a good effort to improve your writing skills. That's the only way you can improve too :)

Toefl and IELTS topics are good for you because they are generally simple themes that anybody can tackle.

Scholarship / why you deserve, how the program improves your career, edu, personal goals [15]


Go up to 1000 if you can :D
But remember, you need to keep the reader alive up to the 1000th word :D

There is no harm reaching your upper limit of the word count if you have to say meaningful and important things to reach your target, i.e. the scholarship :)

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure," functions of governments [4]

Yes... you need to have a conclusion. Sum up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion. :)

Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]

However, I guess TOEFL and IELTS are not of highly academic nature. They mainly test one's fluency and whether he could express ideas clearly in a more organized manner. In this background writing in active voice is very helpful. Also, modern English writing encourages you to write in active voice because it is more clearer, livelier and often more concise than passive voice sentences. However, in my view, the writing is not strictly rule driven and you cannot rigidly apply the rule where it is not appropriate. Also writing in one voice, active or passive, would be boring. Therefore both active and passive need to be balanced effectively in writing. After all writing has got a lot do with creativity and that is unique to individual styles. It's an art :)