Grammar, Usage / Two sentences; very short grammar question. [9]

Excellent, this is a great thread that will help lots of people.

Here is another idea:
1.The new model costs twice more than as much as last year's model.

2.He felt very strongly that he should leave.

Writing Feedback / Media indeed poses an enormous influence on our opinions as well as attitudes [2]

are actually mastering the thought of individuals and that there are little can be done to eliminate this control. Personally, I tend to agree the opinion that media affects, and even to a certain extent controls people's attitudes toward some affairs or objects issues. However, I do not consider believe that they can control people's opinions and there is nothing could be done to reduce its influence.

Then, is there nothing we can do to rectify these influence? I do not think so. --- very nicely written!!

On the contrary, in my opinion , there are at least two main approaches which could help individuals to utilize the media much better. First, we should ...

...more media institutes which represents different groups. (I think you need one more very thoughtful sentence at the end of the essay!! Add one more...

:-)

Undergraduate / "I have no health insurance" - Transfer Essay E- Important Issue [12]

Yeah... you did not achieve that effect. What purpose would it serve? It gives a sense that you are confessing something, and it gives a sense of honesty. However, it would take a whole paragraph to convey this idea of "coming clean" and expressing your truth.

It's tough, because the reader does not experience it the way you do. Stay mindful of the experience you are trying to give the reader.

:-)

Poetry / "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day" Pardoy [5]

Yep, quite awesome. Thanks for sharing it here, this is a real accomplishment.
And often is shape for function faulted--- I like this line a lot.

Nor lose possession of that pair thou own'st,--- should it be like this, with "own"???
Nor shall the closet hold thou in his grave
When in fashion thou will have grown'st. --- hahaha, i am not sure...
So long as women can breathe or walk,
So long live covetousness ?? in their talk.

The ending confused me...

I really enjoyed this!! I'm going to show it to people...

Writing Feedback / Jealousy -- a bad human habit! [6]


This sentence has no subject. It is incomplete. do it this way:
Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values -- such as relationships, friendships, or love.

That way, it is all one sentence.
However, I don't think it is an accurate definition of jealousy! Jealousy can occur without a threat of loss.

Here is a run on sentence:
Jealousy is considered an advanced emotion, it is consisted of three basic emotions.
Do this instead:
Jealousy is considered an advanced emotion, because it is consisted of three basic emotions.

:-)

Essays / Argument essay on homosexaul adoption [7]

Some people say that the "correct" way to raise a child must involve one man and one women. That is one of the common arguments. Another common argument is that ... well, all the other arguments are based on particular religious convictions and prejudices. You can google this to see what the arguments are:

Gay adoption, arguments, for, against

:-)

Writing Feedback / Honesty - one of the treasured values of human being [2]


yes, this is a good way to fix that first sentence. you can also do this:
Honesty is one of the treasured values among human beings.

Let paragraph 2 follow the thesis sentence and support it:
First of all, One reason to tel the truth always is that honesty is the foundation upon which...

Imagine Who will trust a person who always deprived others of knowing the truth?

In your paragraph about cancer, I think it would also be good to show that, even though pain will be caused, honesty is still important in that situation. The patient deserves to know the prognosis. So, that will support the main idea o your essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "love and passion for learning" - Wait-list letter... [4]

... my passion and longing to attend your school remains remain the same, and it is still my top choice.

I feel privileged that I am a good fit to your school and wish to be kept on your school's waiting list as a possible transfer candidate for the Fall. --- good sentence!!!

I believe that XXX will give me the opportunity to learn how to adequately put my skills to use and will teach me how to effectively shape my thoughts.

(end that intro paragraph by giving a thesis sentence that provides a theme for the essay and relates to the quote about optimism.)

I cannot imagine myself at another any college other than ZZZ. For this reason, I would like to continue on...

Nice ending!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The most important does not come from books [6]


Thanks for your kind words! Well, contributing here is all about helping lots of people. We ask that people help with a lot of essays before becoming contributors; that way, it MEANS something to be a contributor. Teachers can look at your contributorship and see that it means you worked selflessly to help with people's writing...

Thanks!! I'm glad you're here

Essays / Have problems with the introducation on the global impact essay / school [8]

Great question, Rena.

Start with a list of ideas. One essay = one big idea, but the big idea is made of a few smaller ideas. In a classic five paragraph essay, you can introduce the big idea, give 3 smaller ideas, and then talk about the big idea again in paragraph 5.

If you have, say, 3 ideas, express each in a sentence. That way, you will have 3 topic sentences for the 3 body paragraphs.

Go to the first topic sentence, and write a sentence after it: an example to support it.
Then, write another sentence: a sentence that better explains it.
Then, write a 4th sentence to the paragraph, a conclusion sentence.

It's easy!! The essay is one big idea, and each paragraph is YOUR opportunity to express a smaller idea that supports it. In each paragraph, you get to give 3 or 4 or 5 sentences without anyone interrupting you! That is a good opportunity that we seldom have.

An essay is a grand opportunity to express one big idea, and you get to support it with several paragraphs. Each paragraph is a smaller idea to support the big idea.

Now read this all over again, and write your topic sentences! :-D

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

If you are talking about buying a paper instead of writing it, I think you are wasting your money. Maybe you have trouble writing in English, but actually you can write a list of sentences here in this forum and we will help you turn it into an essay. That is the way to become a good writer.

I want to show you this example of someone who speaks English as a SECOND LANGUAGE and has become very skillful by practicing here: https://essayforum.com/writing-3/schools-ask-students-evaluate-teachers-16684/

Even if you just write some sentences, we can help you to make them good ones, and we can use them as the topic sentences for paragraphs in your essay.

Try writing a paragraph:
Write a sentence about something.
Write a sentence with an example of what you mean.
Write another sentence to explain some more.
Write a thoughtful conclusion sentence for the paragraph.

I also hope you will help other people here by looking at other people's essays and telling them what you think about the them.

I wish I was bilingual, like you! I hope we can help you improve your writing!

Writing Feedback / Finding an ideal community now a days has become a major problem. Vadalism is the threat. [6]

Vandalism, I feel, is one of the crucial problems terrifying the residents.
(Use a capital I instead of i)

Even though a community has a good neighbourhood, still incidents of vandalisms are recorded, and the reason behind is not the people living in the community or its neighbourhood. These activities are mostly done by young high school students passing by the neighbourhood. Vandals are not the people whose activities are as a result of there their poor living and fight for bread, but these are citizens of our young generation -- people with the problem in their minds.

You can just say "school children"
Usually vandals are young school going children who lack proper values to live a life and be a good citizen.

Apparently the problem exists in their families and the values which they promote . ---- good sentence!!
Recently i was one of the sufferers of these vandals.
Use a spell checker! :-)

A couple of months before, I bought a very expensive and luxiourious car, which was my passion since i was a child. I always wanted to be rich so that I could have great cars. I accept that it was my carelessness that ...

Our community people gathered for a meeting to plan precautionary measures for these activities of vandalism. We now have a camera in the house which will record all kind of activities taking place in the community. Additionally, we have also have plans to stop any suspicious person if seen and inquire about identity and where about business of that person.

I hope that eventually we will get hold on these activities by implementing our present plan of action against them. Indeed we should work on stopping these problems from germinating, and it can only be possible when parents of these young children apparently every parent pass on good values to there children. Parents should take time out from their busy schedules to find out what there young child is doing and hanging out with.

the ending is very nice!! I was reading and adolescents are still developing some parts of their brains, continuing to develop until age 20. They really enjoy the "rush" of excitement from breaking a rule, but they have not fully developed their prefrontal cortex, which is used to think about consequences of actions!! So, they do terrible things. If we can help them to find excitement in other ways, maybe they will stop breaking stuff...

Graduate / 'my career as a Visual Artist' - Statement of Purpose for Graphic Design Course [8]

I have participated in all extra-curricular activities of my school related to art, whether it is including sketching competition, painting, designing banners, crafts, and so forth.

Art was always my interest, and it turned into passion. And When I realized that, I knew that it was in the field of art in which I would have to grow and develop. myself in.

...from high school, I studied did Commercials Arts from at B.D.Somani.

In a graphic design program, I look forward to strengthening my passion f or design and further developing the skills I have already acquired. the areas in which I have had experience with . In addition, to it, I am eager to learn new skills in other areas of design that I have not had the opportunity to explore. during that time . I am confident that I will generate original work and emerge with a self-knowledge, able to fufill my potential that I may reach as a designer.

I want to expand my horizons in a busy, stimulating environment where students can play an active part in course and develop themselves: London College of Communication. It's a well established institution for the Arts and studying there will not only give me the strong foundation and creative insight on the graphic design course but also improve my credentials as a designer. Also being located in London, one of the most vibrant and influential city, it makes even a better choice for choosing London College of Communication for my Graphic Design course. Since it is part of the London College of Communication, I can work on real life projects; I can gain information, advice and guidance on taking knowledge about freelance work, becoming self employed or running my own business. I am keen to acquire knowledge from such an excellent college academic institution.

(I changed the last part because it sounds funny to say "knowledge from the college" (i.e. it sounds like a sing-song sort of rhyme.)

Research Papers / Writing an Abstract, Introduction, Methods, Results, Discussion (APA format) [7]

The results of the experiment do not support the hypothesis that the students in the a setting with dim lighting could still pay attention.

A total of 15 random words were typed and printed on paper.---- When I read this, it makes me think you need to do a better job of introducing the whole project.. but... I am sure you will do that in another section...

For participants, tell how they were chosen and what sampling method was used -- I think what you used is called "convenience sampling."

You might want to ask participants if they have experience with memory training, such as the technique called "chunking." you might want to omit the data frm students who are familiar with memorization strategies, because their data will not reflect the influence of the independent variabe (lighting).

For methods and procedures, separate it into paragraphs. Use separate paragraphs to help the reader understand one thing at a time.

This seems like a cool experiment!

Graduate / PHD STATEMENT OF OBJECTIVES (sustainable technology development) [2]

Energy and sustainability nowadays is are inherent features in any industry...

In this world with an increasing demand on energy especially oil and gas industries, another demand to sustain the balance of environment is vital. This can be felt in the rapid climate change, hasty depletion of natural resources along with an extinction of some species and global warming. --- condense all this into a single, brief sentence. The reader knows this stuff, and if you tell her this stuff at the start of the essay, she'll have trouble paying attention to it.

My engineering background enables me to recognize the necessity to keep the industry moving forward and to recognize that an investment towards the environment is equally important and essential to improve the quality of life and achieve a future welfare for us and the environment. --- This is where it gets interesting! What is an engineer's perspective on sustainability? Make this the theme of the essay. But i scratched out a lot of meaningless stuff that does not really say anything. Be specific when you tell about your ideas for sustainability. What project would you like to get involved with first? What innovations have you already made in your personal contemplation of sustainable development?

:-)

Writing Feedback / "parants are the best teachers" - I want a band for my essay(IELTS task 2) [3]


Be sure to put a period at the end of this sentence.
Tran gave excellent corrections! Let's see a draft with the sentences changed according to those corrections.

Also, only capitalize the first letter of the FIRST WORD OF A SENTENCE:
Overall, although parents are the closest to their children and they provide more support to them, they are not the best, as it has been explained above.

:-)

Undergraduate / „Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work" - my motivation essay [3]

...and without being passionate at all of about what they do. And probably the worst thing is that they they ... ambitions and ideals.--- very good sentence!!

Trim away the extra stuff, streamline:
In my opinion, you must do what you like in order to be happy and in order to have a real motivation. That is why I decided to be different and to dare to give myself a chance by ...

Firstly, I have always been interested in foreign languages -- more precisely in Asian languages -- and I know precisely that...

Another important aspect of which reason I chose in favor of learning foreign languages is because that I love to do it.

Nice.. very impressive! Just a few grammar mistakes.

Essays / Persuasive essay about the benefits of texting [6]

This is too new of a subject to find much good material. In this case, search the database for "texting" and whateer comes up is what you have to work with. Use tons of examples, and write about the various kinds of professions and situations in which it's useful.

Then, write about how it can be dangerous driving, it insults the language by distorting it, and it changes communication to make us more digitized!! hahah

interesting topic.

Graduate / "illiterate parents" -my PERSONAL STATEMENT for a MSc in Management at Bath Univ [4]

I like this essay a lot...

I think you should add a sentence after this sentence:
My passion for management was born out necessity. (add a sentence that cn be your thesis statement, the thing that expresses the central meaning of the essay)

Then, end the first paragraph and start a new one:

However In our age of a highly competitive global economy, pursuing a course with clear future goals is a smarter choice.

I think that will help the reader to discern the central idea of the essay -- and it is important to be able to clearly express the main, memorable sentence that tells the central meaning of the essay.

This stuff is too vague. It is a nicely written description, but it does not express your important plan, your vision for the future.
he programs' core modules such as Business economics, Human-Resource Management, Organization and career development, Strategic Management Accounting and Marketing will equip me ideally for entry into a wide range ... shifting management demands. --- if you have a clear plan for what you intend to do in management, you can talk about these in relation to your vision for the future. If you don't talk in terms of your vision, the essay is just like a brochure for their school.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Semester Paper Intro (what we did throughout the course of year) [2]

Don't say "many literature." You don't say many water, because water is a substance. Literature is like that. You say, I drank too much water. I read too much literature.

We have read much literature, and ...
or "pieces of literature"
Throughout the course of year, w We have read many different pieces of literature, most of them are just sad.

We have read many different pieces of literature, most of them are just sad. --- this sentence is incorrect. It needs "and"

We have read many different pieces of literature, and most of them are just sad.

Perhaps it is through sadness that we can really understand and start to appreciate the true meaning of life. --- excellent sentence... excellent thought, too. Read Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

Trungpa talks about the "genuine heart of sadness"

...since almost every story involves more than one individual. No Every theme must have something to do with companionship. --- add one more sentence to establish a theme of learning to appreciate companionship by reading about people losing it. Then, end paragraph 1.

Then start paragraph 2:
Take Frankenstein for example; what is it in the...

Undergraduate / Becoming a Cardiovascular Surgeon - VCU Personal Statement Help [3]

Great, great advice here from Faisal. I would do something like this to get rid of that "extra" stuff at the start.
Virginia Commonwealth University because of the opportunities it will bring to my preferred career path in medicine. This has a prestigious school in the heart of Richmond has an excellent pre-medicine program that will help me continue pursuing my dream in of becoming being a Cardiovascular Surgeon.

Because... it's just rude to make a reader trudge through unnecessary phrases. They know the school is in the heart of Richmond, and the fact that it is has nothing to do with what you are really saying. What is the real message you need to get across? Keep that message always in mind as you write.

I suggest proceeding with a message that goes something like this: "I have a clear plan, because I am a serious student who wants to lead a meaningful life as a physician."

Inspire the reader!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: All high school students should be required to study foreign languages [4]

This is very good! You are one of those impressive bilingual people who can write in English better than most native speakers of English!
:-)

Undergraduate / "I have no health insurance" - Transfer Essay E- Important Issue [12]

I don't like the beginning... I would like it simpler:
Hello, my name is George I am a 32 year-old server in the restaurant industry, and I have no health insurance. I am 32 years old, a server in the restaurant industry, I am engaged to be married, I own my own house, and I am attending school to pursue a career in software engineering.

The debates surrounding health care have bordered on the absurd. Hearing one tragically misinformed political figure slam the health care reform bill because of "death panels" being ---- right here, you spend too much time on one small part of the issue -- death panels. You should focus on the important point. It is absurd that anyone would think reform was unnecessary; that is the important point. So much evil is rampant in the industry, reform needed to be attempted. It is not good to focus too much on the death panel thing... when instead you could powerfully affirm the simple truth about the situation. And the government stillmay make matters worse with poor implementation of the thing... but at least you can argue that reform was necessary.

This is a tough argument to make, because almost every reader already as her/his mind made up about it!
:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE-issue8 political leaders withhold information from public [4]

I agree with the idea that under some specific circumstance withholding information from public is necessary for political leaders in order to protect the long-term interest of the public and the nation ultimately . This authority nevertheless should be restricted in to a reasonable level, which is what most democratic societies are doing.

At the same time, public willingness awareness is sometimes unhelpful, even harmful under some conditions. People should never forget how Hitler's army destroyed European continent using petroleum provided by the U.S. steamship-the implementing of Neutrality Act which reflected the malapropos isolationism of the public. (This sentences refutes your argument, so add a sentence to the end of the paragraph to reaffirm your argument that some circumstances make it necessary to withhold info from the public.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I liked constructions of every kind"; Civil Engineering Academic objectives [4]

When I say you should express yourself in fewer words, I don't mean you should make the essay shorter. The essay should be as long as they recommend; they really did not give a suggested length?

Anyway, I am talking about your intensity. This is not intense:
FDU offers the best study program combined with laboratory work, which is important because I will be able to apply what I learned in class. The research and projects opportunities will give me rich experience by the time I graduate. Fairleigh Dickinson fulfills all my university education expectations and I am sure that I will receive more than I want. I am confident I will match the high standards set by your University.

If i say the same thing in one sentence, that will be intensified:
FDU combines laboratory work with a first rate study program, providing challenging experiences that will enrich my education and prepare me for my career -- challenging experiences for which i know I am well-prepared.

If you condense wordy parts into a few sentences, the essay will pack a hard punch. The important thing is to have some meaningful truth to express and try to express as much of it as possible in the amount of space you are allowed.

:-)

Research Papers / Djibouti research paper...foreign policy BRIEF HISTORY, DEMOGRAPHICS, POLICY FROM U.S., etc. [3]

Fix up this first sentence so it is about one point:
After gaining its independence in 1977, the Republic of Djibouti has been a small sized country surrounded that enjoy only limited resources and must persevere in a hostile region.

You might be thinking of "LONGSTANDING" here:
The United States and Djibouti have a strong standing longstanding relationship that includes monetary assistance, military assistance, and humanitarian assistance.

Here is a run on sentence:
In 2002 the U.S. and the Republic of Djibouti agreed to terms that would turn a former French military base into a base that would house over 1,200 U.S. troops; this agreement stands to this day with a partnership in fighting the Global War on Terror. --- I fixed it with a semi-colon. A semi-colon works just like a period. Use a semi-colon instead of a period when two sentences are closely related; some sentences are very closely related, and that can be expressed with the use of a semi-colon instead of a period.

Writing Feedback / Classification essay: Foreign trade university students [5]

When I was a pupil, I admired student life with all its exciting activities. Now, I am a second-year student at Foreign Trade University, and I recognize that not all of students have the same views about the school activities. I classify my school's students according to their degree of dynamism enthusiasm for school activities; I have observed three groups. that I call for the group one, group two and group three.

The first category consists of students who are active and who make a positive contribution to the movement of school. These students...

The next group includes students who are not involved in many school activities but they always stand by these activities. The majority of students own are in this group. These students ...

The last category -- a minority -- is made up of students who do not care about the school activities. They only think that studying means only going to school every day, listening to the lessons in class and completing all of tests and examinations. They are not interested in activities, and they do not consider them and think those are the hard work of the organizers; they do not relate to the people involved. These students ...

Therefore, I advise you participate in school activities as soon as you are able to. No matter which you belong to: the most active, average or the least active, you could start right now.

Nice ending!! You have some errors, but your meaning is easy to understand.

Writing Feedback / 'practice and hard work' - Successful sports professionals can earn huge money [3]

Today, famous and successful sports professionals are always on the top of among the rich who earn a huge amount of money every year, and more than people in other important occupations. People often argue about whether or not athletes deserve their huge incomes.

First of all, sport professionals practice and work very hard to achieve successes, so it is not surprising when they earn a lot of money, because they deserve to be rewarded for their contribution and devotion to sport.

However, some sports professionals are paid a great deal of money that is not meritorious based on their contribution to the sport. For example, famous ...

In conclusion, although sports professionals are always considered as rich people who have huge incomes and comfortable lives, they have to sacrifice a...

Very nice! This does not have very many mistakes. It is easy to understand, and the argument is solid.

:-)

Graduate / "the beginning of my career in literature" my English Ph.D. statement of purpose [2]

You have a little awkwardness right at the start, here:
"When I was 4, my mother tells me..." I know what you mean, but it sounds wrong and is a bad way to start. Fix it with a comma:

"When I was four, my mother tells me, I would read the New York Times to my twin brother. He would listen in rapt attention as I held the newspaper, which was almost as tall as I was. --- as 2 sentences, each is more solid, more powerful.

She says from the moment ... another awkward part.

From the moment I could walk and talk, I was grabbing for anything I could read. ---- There is a lot wrong with this sentence. From the moment I took my first steps, I have been chasing after literature.... ---- This would solve the problem of "could walk---->talk----> read... but it is still sort of cliched. Like, it is sort of typical to say, "From the moment I could walk I was figure skating," or "From the moment I could walk I was practicing kung fu. It is overdone... to say you have loved this since you were little.

You have a point that you leave undeveloped... the thing about an unsatisfying publishing career. You just mention it and then abandon the topic. Instead of mentioning lots of things that do not affect the reader, things that are just informational, you should create an experience for the reader. Make every sentence count, every phrase.

Chop off those first few paragraphs. Start the essay with sentences that have key words... words which will introduce the theme expounded in your work: specific aspirations in literature and gender studies. This is an important paragraph:

For my thesis topic, I expanded --- this is the paragraph where we get to read something really interesting. Boldly make your point about the importance of these areas of study, and boldly tell about your plan for the next five years.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should Humanitarian Aid be provided for illegal immigrants? [6]


Is this the first sentence of the essay? I think a sentence needs to be added before this sentence to grab the reader's attention and introduce the organizations.

As I read your topic sentences, I get a clear idea about the essay. That means you have good topic sentences. In want to change this one, though:

The critics, also, would say that it is better take care of your own before you take care of your neighbor, but ______ (give the counterargument to refute this point). If you add a phrase to that topic sentence to refute the point, it will be clearer and support your argument better.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The most important does not come from books [6]

Aldo, thanks so much for the work you did here!!

People learn and gain experience throughout their whole lives.

Be careful with a list like this significant. Keep all items on the list in the same form, like this:
Moreover, you cannot learn from books how to behave, be tolerant or to cooperate with people.
or
Moreover, you cannot learn from books how to behave, how to be tolerant or how to cooperate with people.

Use a spell checker:
You have to practice those abilities . It is worth to point out that those skills have significant impact on us and they really matter to other people.

Last but not least, there are many no-well-read people who, despite not being well-read, own very profitable businesses. They managed ...

Writing Feedback / Homework every day - is it necessary for students? Why / why not? [6]


I'll add another idea about this one, so it will be easy to see how the correction was made:
Recently, there are many parents that think the children need more time to do things other than things different to homework and that they need more time to relax in house at home because the school is very hard.

This is a great thread, thanks everyone!!

In conclusion, is important to assign homework every day, but it is also important to avoid assigning too much. Teachers should search for that balanced process of teaching which can be fun, creative, and productive.

:-)

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Petroleum Engineering [3]

My name is Ade Santoso, and I am Indonesian At 22 years of age, I graduated from University of Indonesia as B.Sc. in Chemical Engineering.

I have always been greatly interested in working in the petroleum industry, since I was in the university because a career in petroleum industry offers me a chance to support the majority of human energy requirements.

To prevent unwanted incidents from happening, in-charge engineers are required to have a deep understanding of safety and well control aspect control over the various factors at work.

During my leisure time, I love to do play sports. My favorite sports are swimming and golf. I also ...

I always believe that there are huge, of hidden opportunities out there.--- very nice ending!!!! I added some commas to it.

Essays / Prisons do more harm than good. Do you agree? [5]

I think it is just impossible to argue that they do more harm than good, because without them we could not be protected from those who would violate the rights of others.

The only way to eradicate prisons would be to put every offender on some rehabilitation program. But if there was no unpleasant punishment for committing crimes, people could violate the rights of others all the time and then enjoy their rehabilitation.

So, prisons are necessary. The real question is this: Prison does more harm than good for the following types of criminal offenders: ________, _________, and ___________.

Name three types of people who end up in prison but really should not be in prison.. for example, people with mental disabilities. You can write about certain circumstances under which prisons do more harm than good for particular people.

:-)

Poetry / T. S. Eliot's The Waste Land--Sex and love [7]

Nice, congratulations. I told you it was worth an A!!

Writing Feedback / Society should ban all forms of the advertising - Essay for IELTS [2]


When you have trouble, start with one idea. Express it in a sentence:

First of all, I do support the idea that advertising alcohol, cigarettes, and "adult" goods and services should be prohibited.

This is the main idea of the essay, so it should be in the first paragraph.

Then, to support it, write some other ideas.

Because Ads that promote unhealthy products will have negative effects on our children.

On the other hand by advertising companies, businesses, firms and individuals promote their goods and services.

FOR EACH OF THESE IDEAS, ADD SOME SENTENCES TO EXPLAIN THEM:
Ads that promote unhealthy products will have negative effects on our children. Youngsters might be tempted to buy cigarettes or alcohol and later to start consume it on a daily basis. Fortunately, some countries take this issue seriously and advertising alcohol, cigarettes and materials with adult content is banned on those countries. (add on more sentence to affirm that these ads should be banned.

On the other hand by advertising companies, businesses, firms and individuals promote their goods and services. (add some sentences that show how companies can promote their goods without advertisements)

PARAGRAPHS:
Every time you come up with an idea to support your thesis, write it in a sentence. Let that sentence be the topic sentence for a paragraph. For every topic sentence, write a sentence of example, a sentence of explanation, and a sentence to conclude the paragraph.

:-)

Letters / The internship program with Bloomberg - cover letter [4]

Yes, actually the word "very" is always weak, because you always have the option to show the extent of something with good words rather than just using the word very.

I am very interested in the program because... .
This program is exactly right for me at this stage of my process, because...

... the position directly fits very well with my educational experience, interest, and skills.
My personal experiences ...

Through the use of a teambased approach and open lines of communication, we offered our clientele an expansive service portfolio and a seamless (I think a different word would be better here) work environment.

Those practical experiences allowed enabled me to develop a strong communication as well as ...

I am a quick learner, a hard working employee, and someone who always tries to view problems from different perspectives. That, in turn, enables allows me to take calculated risks .

I am looking look forward of working for a dynamic, internationally recognized company.

Good luck!! This is very professional and respectful.

Undergraduate / "I work harder for me and only me" - Michigan State University [19]

Yes, this is good advice. Read each paragraph, and ask yourself what it makes the reader see. In that first paragraph, these could be good imagery words "carved into my brain"... but they are not used in a literal way. Add a sentence to that first paragraph that will enable me to see you being told to try harder.

Add a sentence to that second paragraph that will help me to envision the room you are standing in when you got that "blank stare."

Know what I mean? Some phrases, like "the fading, floral-print wallpaper of their kitchen," can show the reader a picture to go with the story.

:-)

Graduate / Future career (business world) progress and why I chose it. [3]

My intention is to follow an amazing and successful career path in the business world, where I would be a vital member of great companies. Moreover, I would be glad to be a part of the successful rise of a company or be able to make the right moves to help and eventually to save a business plan. One of my interests is which are the best ways to run the question of "best practices" for running a business and what should be kept in mind for various aspects, such as human resources or marketing.

Included in my future plans is an intention to create my own successful company and make it one of the most lucrative around the world.

My decision to follow such a career is derived from my life experiences. I have always been passionate about the business world. I used to read articles in ...

Finally, I believe that completing my MSc will open new paths for me and it will prove to be a great means of accomplishing my lifelong goals.

Writing Feedback / Should Humanitarian Aid be provided for illegal immigrants? [6]

a person who is about to enter has entered the United States illegally...
I changed it to has just entered, because it is a stronger argument this way. If you say "about to enter," your opponent will say, "if he is about to do it, no law has yet been broken!"

Besides, the task of saving lives overrides issues of legality; giving humanitarian aid is important at a level that is fundamental. organization should monitor those illegal immigrants who poses no threat to society. I scratched out this part that makes no sense.

You can argue that it would be inhumane to let them go hungry or sleep in the cold if they were criminals in prison, so it is obviously inhumane to deliberately choose to let them be hungry and cold during their trip into the country.

:-)