Undergraduate / Interest in transferring - What I felt I was always missing [3]

...includes the aforementioned university experience and the future graduate opportunities. Recently, I visited my ...

To my surprise, students were everywhere, there were a number of research buildings, a beautiful campus, and on campus housing was lively and social. Students were a part of something bigger as they proudly wore the schools mascot on their sweatshirts. The environment was conducive to learning, exploring, and creating a professional network.

My more notable interest in transferring to *NAME OF SCHOOL* is so that I can eventually pursue graduate school, and in the process of doing so (no comma necessary here) utilize university resources to experiment and create.

To balance out my studious and inventive sides , I also participate in a few sports. I've been snowboarding and riding dirt bikes for around 7-10 years almost a decade. In addition, I practice a rigourous training schedule including up to 100 miles of running a week. WOW!!

This is a nicely written essay; I like your natural, conversational style.

Undergraduate / an undergraduate dance course - personal statement [3]

commas:
I love to dance for an audience, giving them everything I have, and in return I wait for there applause. -----Now it is a beautiful sentence.

I wish to undertake a Work work-based learning programme so I can...

Here... I'll add 2 commas and a word:
I am extremely creative, technically proficient, and very professional, and I...

commas:
I am currently supervising teaching GCSE dance at Linton Village College, which I absolutely love, and this has made me more enthusiastic in improving my qualifications. I am passionate, hardworking, and I am devoted to what I do, and I look forward to a future in dance.

:-)

Writing Feedback / A Country's Development Should Thrive on Education [5]

Take a quick glance at the Human Development Index, or any other list of Developed Countries -- and it will not be...

Today, Japan is not just ranked as a most developed country but also famed for the large number of highly educated population citizens.

People may urge tend to make a higher priority of...

You can't say large number of population. You must say large number of citizens.

1. the way you have it is okay, but the other way is okay, too.
2. You are not supposed to start the sentence with "but," but this is a rule that people break so often... you can usually break it and not worry.

3. ...growth in the decades following the World War II.
...Japan, one of the countries endowed meagerly with natural resources, witnessed the...

4. Yes, the present tense is correct!! You are doing well!

Book Reports / A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS VS THE COLOR PURPLE - comparative essay exam [4]


In order to write one, you need a good basis for comparison.


This seems like your basis for comparison is the way both show how inner strength results from struggle. That is good!!

But usually you need to show differences as well-- is that the case here?
If your basis for comparison is the point about adversity building strength, what will be your basis for contrast? What is different about them?

Find some quotations from each book that pertain to inner strength from adversity.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Writing a Public Health Policy Analysis paper (apa format) [10]

Choose a topic you know a lot about. What health problem are you most familiar with?

:-)

Book Reports / "Saving Hamlet" - Feedback and editting on my essay for English [2]

That intro paragraph could use another sentence. I think another sentence could add definition to the paragraph, and that would make the whole essay more meaningful.

Oh! It will be excellent if you put the first 2 paragraphs together. It'll be perfect for introducing the two paragraphs and expressing your thesis statement.

Choice, consequence, responsibility; these are three things Hamlet seemed to separate misunderstand, possibly because of his insanity.

Personally, I keep these values close to my heart, but not so close that it they...

Nice ending... Thanks for sharing this great essay!

Writing Feedback / What factors do you think influence news editors' decisions? [4]

There are several factors that make impact on the quality of television programs or articles of newspapers.

Audience of newspapers require to read latest information,hottest events and they just buy newspapers which can meet their demands accordingly.

Use a spell checker! :-)

... players, to name just a few .

Therefore, the suitability could be very important.
To sum up,there are lots of factor that influence the decision to broadcast on television or print in newspaper.However,news editors need to be aware of how they effect the quality of those programs . Bad news or good news should be equally considered as long as they ...

Writing Feedback / Football match - Creative essay; 'The tension was getting more and more intense' [3]

We were sitting in the dressing room, waiting to go out to Wembley Stadium, the dream stadium of every player's career. I couldn't believe it that we had made it this far. We beat the Europe's best team on the semi-finals. Crewe Alexander football team had pretty well done the impossible to reach the finals as they a team from the lowest tier of the English football leagues. Graham Jones was ...

We lined up and walked out to the pitch. It was a dream come true for me and my teammates .The crowd and the buzz vibrated the ground. Eighty thousand ...

The referee's whistle

The whistle blew loudly and the match had to go in overtime . We were all tried but the hunger of winning drove us ...

I was handed over the trophy, and I and lifted it up and shouted 'Crewe forever!'.It was a team's ...

Awesome, this is a great story.


Well, one type of essay is a narrative essay, which is a story. This is good advice, though, for sure. You make important points about what an essay is supposed to be.

:-)

Book Reports / "Scribble of Dreams", are these two thesis statements are good? [2]

The first one does not make sense because it is about two different things.. a grudge and making a difference.
The second one does not make sense because it does not make sense to hold a grudge AT ALL about something that is not true.

Maybe this is it:
In "Scribble of Dreams", Mary E. Pearson uses young love, legacies , and family to show that not all of what your family says is true, and that you shouldn't hold grudges against anyone for very long because they might be based on information that is not true.

Graduate / MSc programme to support your career and personal development - how to answer it [8]

So, this is an essay about a plan you have made, and it is also about some people and experiences.

You should use one paragraph for each topic: plan, people, experiences.

Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph. After the topic sentence, write a sentence with an example. Then write a few more thoughtful sentences about the idea.

Maybe you will also add a nice conclusion paragraph that tells about some professor you want to learn from at the school.

:-)

Poetry / Venus and Adonis poem, common characteristics? [3]

I am struggling with finding similar characterize characteristics as well as there indifference the differences that venus and adonis have. in common
Is this what you mean? The similarities and differences?

If that is what you mean, google this:
venus and adonis character analysis

Make a list of qualities venus has and a list of qualities adonis has. After you make the list, you can easily write.

Google this, too:
how to write a compare contrast essay alternating opposing

Undergraduate / "I work harder for me and only me" - Michigan State University [19]

"Try harder!" I was sick of hearing those two words. anymore How much harder could I work? How much harder could I push myself?

Those two words were carved into my brain, engraved there to stay forever. Good sentence!

This is a run on sentence: Constantly getting told by my parents that I could work harder.

Do this:
I never felt like I was good enough. Constantly getting told by my parents that I could work harder, I was always being pushed to my limits.

Many times when I think about my childhood , I become upset and angry towards my parents; why couldn't they comment on my well comings rather then always looks at the negatives of everything?

This is excellent!!

I have an idea for the ending:
I see my future, what I will become. I work harder for me and only me.
I think it is much more powerful without the last sentence.
This is the best sentence in the essay:
I see my future, what I will become.

Graduate / 'petrol on the burning fire' - Statement of interest for graduation M-Engg program [14]


Yes, this is the most important correction. Use capital letters for all names of people and places. I also think you can come up with a more interesting sentence to use at the start. Can you think of an excellent sentence about technology and add it to the beginning of the essay? You don't have to start by telling your name, because your name will be on the application. Start with a sentence to capture their attention.

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Illinois, Psychology undergrad: Academic Interests and Prof. Goals [6]

Wicked good.

I hope its a great time for you!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS-TASK1]Multi-chart Music Preference [6]


Yep. Some writers are skillful enough that they can get away with breaking the rules. When you write as a student, all that matters is what your teacher thinks, but when you write an article for a journal you might be well-respected enough that you can break all kinds of rules.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'students' interests in culture learning'; Learning A Language Through Culture [4]

Ha ha, yeah, you are right. So the most powerful communicators speak in proverbs, like Yoda.

"Do, or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda

Book Reports / how to write ESSAY on Hamlet for grade 12 english (need help to start the essay) [8]


I agree, for sure. This is a great discussion Spiderqueen! Thanks

Book Reports / "All Quiet on the Western Front" versus propaganda- a short paper on World War I [4]

You betweened twice in a row:
and separated European citizens between according to various flags and ideologies, creating national identities that fostered hatred among between opposing factions.

This sentence has rhythm like two quick jabs and a big uppercut:
Remarque depicts the German soldiers as young men, fresh from school and ready to die for their country.---i like it

At the same time, their side and opposing factions pump out propaganda to suggest that these young soldiers are not human in any right, but instead savage beasts to be destroyed for the good of the world. --- awesome point. I just scratched out some words that are not worth their weight.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: It is more important to work at a job that you enjoy... [5]

People enjoying their jobs will approach to the performance of their duties with interest, desire and higher responsibility.
It sounds better without the word higher.

They are encouraged to display high levels of proficiency when performing the jobs they like and treat their jobs with respect working heartily on each project independent regardless of its importance. Such jobs inspire workers to work continuously on themselves and enhance the level of their performance to get perfect results. They tend to treat ...

In summary, when people work at jobs they enjoy it makes them more proficient and satisfies their emotional and material needs by bringing them inner peace and financial security. respectively . Therefore, I think that it is more important to work at a job that the one enjoys.

:-)

Essays / How to write an essay about american history? [10]

hahah awesome, you are great. Please use some of that enthusiasm to help other people here, too. essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Graduate / Why MBA? Essay targetting MBA in finance. [5]

I love your first sentence. I suggest dashes and hyphens:
While working in a US based high-end product company in Bangalore, we -- a group of wanting-to-make-it-big individuals -- mulled upon the idea of starting our own product company.

No need for a comma in this one:
We conducted some surveys on how companies were managing profiles across different industry industries and experience segments and realized there was potential for our product.

You can use a colon here:
I thought working for finance institution will would help me gain those all important skills. I joined a European investment bank in Singapore, and I expected it to help me in multiple ways: experience of working in...

very impressive!!

In the long term, utilizing my...

Graduate / An effort to make myself prominent..(Electrical Eng) [8]

I have been an Engineer ever since I was born.

when I was a little child, but the more I grew the more I became conscious of the fact that I had to develop those innate traits that needed to be polished.


The paragraph that starts with this is SO impressive!

Despite all these facts, I remained committed and did not allow my setback to distract attention from my work. This inevitable march of events filled me with a sense of responsibility time management and determination.

Just say responsibility and determination, because time management does not make sense here in this sentence.

:-)

Essays / The colonization of Australia: History essay [3]


Good, so... are you calling it a good idea, then? I'm not sure what to say, ha ha. Your job is to write about articles that support your idea. So, start with a good topic sentence that gets your point across, and then give an example, elaboration, and a conclusion sentence. It is often good to use one or two paragraphs for each article.

:-)

Book Reports / 1984 George Orwell essay, winston's reintegration into society [2]

Sometimes you might try to fit too much into one sentence:
The process of reintegration consists of four stages: preparing, learning, understanding, and accepting. This process was designed to strip Winston of his thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.

Rather than starting this paragraph with a quotation, maybe you should precede this sentence with a sentence about the understanding phase. Only after introducing the paragraph with a good topic sentence should you go on to explain it.

This is a good topic sentence, for example:
The learning phase was stage designed to break down Winston's basis of belief.

That conclusion paragraph can be lengthened and developed. Tell about the implications of the main truth being expressed int he essay.

Watch out for a misspelling of his name in that last sentence.

:-)

Scholarship / Management Consulting: Is this essay ok for Scholarship in MS degree? [3]

Use fewer words:
...which will start in 2010 at [name of institute].

In the At collage college, my affection towards this field was further enhanced.

This is very impressive!!
While doing the course I will be meeting students from various countries and disciplines , and it will...

I hope I will be selected for admission in MS course and that I will be able to increase my knowledge on professional as well as personal ground.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay '' Half Way Tree'' [3]

At On any given day, the Jamaican culture is flamboyantly displayed in a myriad of ways ranging from the mentally ...

Very nice description here!

The smell of marijuana and burnt garbage create a toxic blend, and it is easily inhaled by high school students neatly dressed in uniforms of all colors; expletives roll off the tongues of these students as if it was second nature.---- I think the sentence was too complex, so I added a semi-colon to help manage it.

Book Reports / Each story is written in black and white; The curious case of benjamin button. [2]

Use quotes here: Originally Fitzgerald's intents tend to point at showing the readers the major clichés, such as "Life is a gift," and "You should live Life to the fullest without fear," and the major one, "You are only are old as you feel."

In comparison, if the novella and the movie were like maps, and one party of explorers were was assigned to each map; they would begin and end in the same place, but there their journeys would be parallel, and they're paths would never intersect until ending at the same point in time.----This sentence confuses me at the end of the first paragraph; it makes me work hard to see what your point in the essay is going to be,... something about some things ending at the same point in time. I think you should add one more sentence before ending the paragraph. End paragraph one with a sentence about the notion that they are very different despite their association with one another.

One of the most crucial parts of a novella or movie is the well thought-out plot.

Overall, saying it can be said that the movie is based of the novella, but only loosely based on it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The role of technology in our lives today: have we become too dependent [8]


You mean here? ---> the processing time and the shelf life are shortenedand and lengthened tremendously/immensely with the help of modern technolgy, such as advanced ... No, this is not good, because it is so confusing! Shortened and lengthened are opposites. You can write:

the processing time is shortened, and the shelf life is lengthened, tremendously/immensely with the help of modern technolgy such as advanced...
tremendously or enormously would work, but actually most of the time adverbs weaken an essay. Kill your adverbs! :-)

Use commas to separate the words in " " marks.
Ultimately, we can say, that ,"Living without technology is like living without air," in this technical world of today.
No need for the word that.

:-)

Essays / Is U.N Peacekeeping working? My argument is 'No.' [4]

You have to know the right key words to use when you search the school's database. Try searching for this:
"united nations" peace security timeline

Also try it with "history" instead of "timeline."
Also try it with the names of those countries: Cambodia or Congo

Don't collect lots of articles all at once. Look at several, but find one that you are interested in and understand well. Write about that article as your way of getting started.

:-)

Undergraduate / Help with Essay on the movie L.A. Confidential. [2]

When you add an extra phrase like this, it needs a comma on each side:
Hollywood, a world of glamour, deceit and desire, is portrayed...

Loose lose

very different not-yet-heroic cops are...

In his own mind, what he did was just, although it ...
(to say "in his own mind" is the same as saying "he believed")

Look at these topic sentences:
Jack Vincennes (Kevin Spacey) is a cop quick to accept bribes, working closely with the celebrity magazine editor of Hush Hush magazine, Sid Hudgens (Danny Devito).

A third and very different cop is Ed Exley, (Guy Pearce) who seeks justice by abiding by the law.
The topic sentences could be better if they related more strongly to the thesis statement. Right now the thesis seems to be "In L.A. Confidential, the cops, sworn to uphold the law, lose sight of their vision but ultimately seek redemption in their search for the truth." So, if you use some of those key words it will help. For example,

Jack Vincennes (Kevin Spacey), having lost his vision of upholding the law, is quick to accept bribes...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "my best friend Lenka" - DESCRIPTION OF A PERSON [3]

She has got an oval face with bright blue eyes and a big smiling mouth.---In English, saying someone has a big mouth means they talk too much! :-)

She has long, brown, wavy hair, but she usually wears it in a ponytail. She is quite beautiful, especially when she smiles.

She always seems to be ...

.. what fits me and what does not.

We are really close to each other; she can tell if I'm lying even if I am keeping a straight face! I don't know how she does it! These sentences are very well-writen.

I don't know how it is possible, but I am never bored with her.

Sometimes she tends to be stubborn; she never admits her faults. She is stubborn only with her parents, though. She and I have never argued.

Nice job!! I like it.

Book Reports / how to write ESSAY on Hamlet for grade 12 english (need help to start the essay) [8]

This is tough because it is about 2 different things. It is like trying to walk two different directions at once.

Oh, I was going to say something similar to what noto said: Decide if you think Horatio is a coward, and then do a compare and contrast essay with cowardice as one of the points. Google this:

Compare contrast opposing type

:-)

Undergraduate / Convincing admissions essay for Cleveland Institute of Art: He [4]

Be strategic. I don't think this has a good function: At the age of eighteen, I couldn't exactly tell you what I wanted to do with my life. I think it would be good if the theme of getting a slow start was important to the essay...

... wait, alright, as I contionue to read, I see that it is part of the theme of the essay. Alright, at least chop the first sentence and start with this excellent one:

At the age of eighteen, I couldn't exactly tell you what I wanted to do with my life. During my high school years, I floated along in my own comfort bubble of predictability and little concern for my future.

Fix this problem with the word "which" ...
experiencing a side of life with which I was unfamiliar. which .

No comma after me, and change "yourself" to "oneself." In most essays, it is not good to addres the reader with "you" because it's sort of inherently presumptiuous or something.

War is not the only way to find oneself, but for me it took in my case that sort of shock was necessary -- to drive me to look further into my soul than I ever had.

(above) do you like it with a dash?

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'This issue is two-sided' - advantages and disadvantages of living and working in a foreign country [2]

Good corrections from Azeri... here is another option for thje first part:
Make this 2 sentences:
It is a tempting opportunity for people to work in a professional international working environment. Therefore, they can gain a lot of useful experiences and valuable knowledge from world-class experts and collegues who come from different countries in the world.


I agree. Also, the conclusion could be introduced at the end of the first paragraph, right after this sentence:
Although it brings a lot of benefits to people, they can have unexpected difficulties.

:-)

Essays / "Prevention is better than cure".Discuss this in relation to crime. [4]


Unless you are about to make a point involving this observation, it's better not to include it. Don'y ever write anything that is not worth saying; if you would not say it in a conversation, don't say it in the essay. This is a "statement of the obvious."

...are factors in society, culture, and the social system which causepotential criminal behavior, as it is believed that people are easily influenced.

Well, one good topic for this is community policing. IT is a deliberate effort to make good relations between police and the people. Look for it in your school database.

Also look for the terms "criminal behavior" and deviant and delinquant and predictive. Looik for those in various combinations.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Do you like living in a big city? It's a good opportunity for the students [5]

Even though living in the city has a number of difficulties and disadvantages, we cannot deny that living in a big city brings many advantages, especially for young people.

Chances to hold a good work, determine your own path, and have a convenient life are three typicalities.

Most of graduated students choose the a life in the city instead of the countryside because they want to develop their careers.

Nevertheless, living in a large city, you find many not only opportunities but also threats, and this is the place to demonstrate your ability. ----very good sentence!!

Bigger cities are more competitive. These require people to be ...

In summary, a good job, a chance to develop yourself and have a satisfying life are reasons that nearly the young people choose living in a big city.

:-)

Essays / What's your idea for the climate change crisis? [4]

There is a ton of material about this online. If you google your question you will get lots of good stuff, but only use sources that are well-established... not just any random blog, but good research studies and articles.

The way I would start is by reading an article and writing a paragraph or 2 about it. Do that for a lot of articles, and thern use cut/paste to put them in a good order. You can just write aboout each articla withouyt thinking of the essay, and then you will begin to notice a theme being created naturally.

Do your research, writing paragraphs as you go along, and watch for a theme to emerge. Write an intro paragraph to introduce that theme. That's the craft of essay writing!

:-)

Writing Feedback / To what extent does television a negative effect on society? [9]

Since the 1980s, television has ...

Check for "number agreement" here:
Some rough, violent and sexual scenes and expressions in a TV shows and drama have The word "a" is singular, but the word "shows" is plural. So do this:

Some rough, violent and sexual scenes and expressions in TV shows and drama have... ---I took away the word "a".

It is totally up to us to find the solutions to the problems as well as to enjoy the fun and variety of this tool.--- excellent, excellent sentence

Writing Feedback / Writing a Public Health Policy Analysis paper (apa format) [10]


Think of these as two essay questions. You'll ned to write a little essay about each.

This subject is timely because of the convtroversial health care reform bill.

Determine key words by thinking of what you would expect to see in that section of a paper or book or article. :For the severity section, you can list the reasons Americans wanted health care reform. Google it: reasons Americans want health care reform. The results will provide your material for the severity section.

Search your school database for "health care" and coverage
or "health care" and covered.
Those are just a few good examples. When you read one article, you will notice good terms to search for in the next search. Remember that articles are like food for the campfire of your essay. If you don't know what to write, read another article. :-)

As you begin, wriote anything you want to write. Write good paragraphs, and cite a source for each. Later, use cut/paste to put therm in a senmsible order.

:-)

Writing Feedback / People prefer to work with machines, not by hand - they are lazier [4]

You need to practice seeing where a sentence needs to be ended. If you have a subject and a predicate, end the sentence and start a new one. Like this:

Society is developing faster and faster. Machines are replacing people in a lot of works because of the advanced technology. That is a positive trend, but in my point of view, I prefer doing works by hand for some of the following reasons.

... but simultaneously they also cause a serious health problem. It's obesity. ---- good point!!

Here is another run on sentence:
In addition, using machines means that we have to waste an amount of electricity; meanwhile scientists are warning about the lack of natural resources in future. --- I fixed it with a semi-colon. It is a great sentence, but it needed a semi-colon.

To sum up, social technological progress allows people to have more free time.

:-) I like this essay a lot, even though you write run on sentences!! Google this: how to avoid run-on sentences