Undergraduate / Dear Diary-- Describe yourself in a letter [5]

Yeah, I thought that was interesting, because we have to use space to complain about having limited space, so... I think that might be one of those subtle things that makes a reader take you less seriously.

But maybe not!

Undergraduate / My roots in Algeria - Barrett Honors College application essay [4]

Here is a great example of a situation where an essay would be better off without a certain sentence:

Three years ago, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to travel back to my roots, to Algeria. The trip was eye opening to say the least. I was suddenly very aware that I take a lot of daily acts for granted.

If you cut that sentence, the essay becomes so cool, because you carry the reader right into something you were suddenly aware of.


This is nicely written, but it is very general. Do you have a specific plan? If so, I bet a sentence about it would be fascinating.

Undergraduate / Coming from Korea and distraction from girls- UWisconsin Madison #2 essay [3]

In coming from a faraway country like Korea where culture and education system was a lot very different, I inevitably faced difficulty adjusting to my new American education.

This is very nice writing!

I think you should not use the word hormone in the essay. Omit the part of the sentence with that word, and the essay will be perfect!

Being an adolescent with uncontrollable hormones overtaking body and mind, most of my attention was devoted to many of the girls to who have captured both my heart and mind. Also because I had personality in which if I set attention on one thing, I devoted whole of myself into it obsessively and anything outside of the interest blurs and fades as if they don't matter. It was After finishing 10th grade that I regained my priorities as I realized my obsession was deteriorating my grades.

I put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. I also cut sme unecessary words. what do you think of it this way?

I like the way you write!

Writing Feedback / tobacco adverts should be banned? [13]

...plenty of scientific evidence to clarify this bad habit's effects on people's health.

evidence does not need an s
and the evidence clarifies the effectson health.


----- whoops, "sump up" sounds like something dirty.

:-)

Undergraduate / the National Society of Black Engineers - extra curricular activities short [5]

How about adding an action verb to that first sentence somehow? It's an opportnity to impress, so don't just say "I am involved with..." ---- say something awesome!

I found a source of intellectual energy with the National Society of Black Engineers.

Also, this sentence is sort of weak and has little meaning: Its goals are to produce responsible and successful black engineers.---------- Maybe his sentence can be excluded. Is refers to goals, but you name only one goal. And it is too obvious.

And I see that Eric caught the problem with advise...

Great, so as you write these essays for college, treat them ike little works of art intended to provide an experience for the reader.

Undergraduate / Common Sense in the society - common app [4]

I try to discourage people from arbitrarily writing about "men" or "mankind." That is an oppressive convention from an obsolete paradigm. But it's not your fault; this is a common way of writing. But I do this:

If a person is raised knowing to fight for every dispute, as far as she is concerned, that is what is right; it is only common sense to show that your opinion is right, no matter the cost to yourself or someone else. -- this seem very good so far!

But right here is where you lose me:
However it is ideals such as this that distinctively show...
I want to know what ideal you are talking about. To fight someone when there is a dispute?
I am just confused by "fight for every dispute." I wonder what you mean by this. this must be the ideal you are referring to. You might mean that you "fight for what is good."

This essay needs a few plain statements, a few clear assertions. It is very abstract, maybe too abstract. In my opinion... I think you should add some nuts to this candy bar. Offset the ambiguity and abstraction with some clear assertions (i.e. some bold claims) and some examples.

Research Papers / Research Paper on short story "Optimists" by Richard Ford [5]

Thumping language, spoken sound, resounding syllables,
literature is a funny word.
Contrasting colors, black and white on the page or screen,
Sleepy reading, and then sudden insight!
Literature is actually deeply satisfying.

Well, first google the name of the story and author and the word "analysis." That will get you familiar with the themes. Then, spend some time with the book and see what unique ideas you get. This is all about sitting with the book and having an experience.

Write a little blurb about the experience you have when you sit with the book. You can write anything you want, but be sure to include your opinion. Life is all about discourse among humans, and this story is a focal point for human discourse. So, express your own insight by talking about the book.

after that google search brings you to an analysis of it, this will seem easy and fun.

And when I count to three you will wake up alert, refreshed, and ready to write your essay.

one, two, three

Book Reports / Theisis and ideas for The Pearl [3]

Well, come on now! Let's start with a little more than that. Are you having trouble getting yourself to read the book? (that happened to me a lot in high school) Or are you unsure of what a thesis statement is.

Your thesis statement is the message you are sending with the essay. In school, essays are chores, but as art and essay is intended to really connect with the audience about a topic. You should pretend that you are writing this because you are actually interested in it and you have a unique insight from the story. Every person who reads it has a unique perspective, so make a thesis statement about the profound truth you learned from the book.

And if that doesn't work, look at sparknotes.com to help you appreciate the themes o the book.

Undergraduate / NYU (Cinema Studies): Four Small Prompts Driving Me Insane [10]

Yes, I think


Yes, I think futuristic is actually okay. I don't know why I complained about it the other day, haha. But you at least have to get rid of "yearn to" because you already envision it. You are already visualizing it. You might yearn to actualize it, but you don't yearn to visualize it.

So, how about the poem...

it's great, I would not want to change anything! But, at the end, complete your point.

The fellow paused for one last consideration.
Perhaps it's all just some about balanced combination:
now add two more likes in order to go deep into this truth about a balanced combination.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


hahahah, that adds a new dimension to the funny discussion...hey, thanks Sandra, I didn't think this Baby It discussion would get so sophisticated, ha ha.

And Yang, I see your point. I guess that is why we resort to the use of "them" and "their."

"If a visitor doesn't like my peanut butter mayonaise cookies, they are going to just eat the cat."

We often use "them" and "they" and "their" as a solution...

Writing Feedback / a job at Shell Plaza:An experience that significantly led the setting your goals [3]

Last summer, of 2009, I started my first job. I was thrilled with excitement but fear was present at the same time. I didn't know what to expect. I had never worked in my whole inter life. It was a job at Two Shell Plaza. I was recruited as an intern by during my school's program called "Business Professionals."

Use a word processing program with a spell checker! If you use microsoft word, it will also help you to catch grammar errors, like this run-on sentence:

The first day at work was nerve racking; the night before I didn't sleep at all.

I fixed it with a semi-colon.

Don't worry! You'll get better and better at writing correctly. I think you should spend lots of time here at essayforum looking at corrections given to other people.

You can't have little sentence fragments like this one: "That nothing is free."
It has to be part of the previous sentence:
Having a job made me see how everything that you want, you must work for -- that nothing is free.

Keep practicing! :-) You have great ideas, so it will be good to learn the rules of grammar and become an expert. If you find the Elements of Style by Strunk and White (it's what I recmmend to everyone), it will help you a lot! And it is a fun book to read.

Essays / GENTRY MEVZ: How can I make this part of my Screen play clearer? [2]

buy
by

incomplete sentence here: At the brown, beige, and fibrous debris of the storm.

We look down at the sidewalk's freckling of blackened gum -- at the brown, beige, and fibrous debris of the storm.

this sentence needs a verb:
His tanned skin is silhouetted by the autumn sun.

More visual? It already is filled with imagery. You write really well. I think you can make it more visual, though, by adding one sentence BEFORE the first sentence of this, a short sentence that includes something about the setting, so that when the luminous moment is passing by in the second sentence the reader knows what is going on.

This is good stuff!

Letters / Letter to the editor to encoruage others to do volunteer work. (500words) [2]

You should have more confidence in your writing. As i read the first paragraph, I see that you have a unique style, like many bilingual people, but it is absolutely clear and impressive.

Volunteer works bring us joy, bring us a good future, and brings cheer to the poor.

It is always true that happiness comes from helping others. ---- indeed. I remember reading some very meaningful discussions of this concept in the beginning of C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity. -- you should check it out!

:-)

Equipment for tomorrow is another treasure volunteer works bring to us. ------- You never have to put an s at the end of "equipment."

To obtain a desirable job in the future, we have to equip ourselves well, and volunteer work can play a crucial role in this.-- this is another very nice sentence!

Nowadays in Hong Kong, there is a wide gap of wealth between the rich and the poor.

Undergraduate / interest and preparation for art school -(feedback) [5]

Art used to be a way for me to escape, but it has now become the reality that I have always dreamt of. add another sentence here to explain to the reader what you mean. I know the essay will explain it, but I still think you should elaborate a little more in this first paragraph.

The 8 years I spent in Paris since I was 5 represent both the best and the worst time of my life. ---- very interesting!

However, in the heart of such wonderful environment, I had to fight against myself to adapt to it.

I felt as if I was a mute; I could not say what I wanted, or did not want, and no one could hear what my feelings and thoughts were. --- this is a well-written sentence!

Attending RISD would be the perfect path for me; the inspiration and real feedbacks, critiques I would get from teachers and my peers would push me to grow as a superior artist. I hope that as a RISD student with strong motivation and diverse background I can positively contribute to the community.

Research Papers / Paper for discriminatory hiring practice [4]

It's all about the search terms. You should use a good database and search for:
discrimination "promotion from within" hiring qualified

That's what I would do. I use questia, but it costs money. You can use your school's library database, and by using the above terms, you'll get good stuff.

Also, try adding the word "case study" for some good articles to cite.

:-)

Undergraduate / Explanation for my poor performance in my high school. [3]

However, when the semester was underway, I fell into a difficult time with regard to my studies, as teachers were only concerned with making us memorize information. to learn science by heart. Is this what you mean to say here? I don't know if it is a good idea to make excuses and blame the teachers.

Actually, i think I might be wrong about that. Maybe you meant this:
However, when the semester was underway, I fell into a difficult time with my studies, because the teachers had very high standards for us, and I was not prepared. only concerned to learn science by heart. I think this way is better.

No matter Despite having experienced a crunch time in science in secondary school, I have decided to major in Biology in my sophomore year.

Nice, this essay gives the reader a good feeling about you.

Graduate / applying Compute Integrated Manufacturing (Asia University) [6]

School lessons give me excitement all time.

Usually people don't say excitements. Just say excitement, because it is already plural. Some words, like excitement and approval, don't need an s on the end.

For a title, you can use your creativity to say something interesting. What is interesting about your aspirations? I think this is most interesting:

After I graduated master coursework, I worked my thesis with the title of "Implementation of data warehouse based on semantic relationship". It is dynamic data integration from various heterogeneous data source and has just finished February, 2009.

You should make this the theme for your essay. It is your purpose, the unique contribution you are making. This is very important. Even though you want to research other topics, too, let the reader know more about the specific process you underwent with this one. It is part of the story of your contribution to the field.

Most importantly, use paragraphs! Don't just write it as one big block of text.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My Assignment: My New Year's Resolutions (200 words) [4]

Time flies so fast and Chinese's New Year is coming around the corner. And It's time for me to write down my new year's resolutions. This year I will accomplish the following goals.

Besides, I will invest more time and money to improve my English skills -- especially speaking and writing skills -- so that I can earn a high mark on the TOEFL test.

Secondly, I will read more books to widen my knowledge. This year I will read more about self-improvement, Computer and history books.-- excellent!

In conclusion, there are too many things which are not written here I want to achieve in this year -- too many to list here. Overall, in 2010 I will open my heart and take more action to become a doer rather than just a dreamer.

:-)

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]


I think this material should be in a body para, not the intro. In the intro, capture the reader's attention and then express your thesis statement after only about 5 sentences.

That material I quoted above should actually be part of 2 different paragraphs: one about the definition of marriage, and another about the government's interest.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the Gifted Education Programme" - U of Wisconsin statement 2 [5]


No! You need to invest a lot in that. It is the most important thing. We don't want them thinking you are one of those kids who has no direction and no plans...

The essay should have a full paragraph at the beginning, and the para should include 4 or 5 sentences. At the end of that first para, capture in a single sentence the main idea of the essay. this should be a sentence about your plan for success in your chosen field. Take this opportunity to show them that you are passionate about making a real contribution to your chosen field.

The themes you use are good, but let's make a connection with your plan for the future. Don't let this be just a story. Make it an expression of your seriousness about your life plan.

...taught me about identity, it taught me about humility, and it taught me about how to stand up for ___________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Narrative My life changing moment [3]

I joined the Army to become a strong , disciplined and a courageous person. --- I think it sounds nicer if you keep all those adjectives in the same form.

This would be the most memorable day of my life. This is the day I graduate boot camp This was the most memorable day of my life.

When we arrived at the bleachers, the screams grew louder and louder, and I could hear my mom yelling my name and telling me to look at her.

I guess I think this essay, which is already very good, would be even better if you COMPOUNDED the theme. by that, I mean you should add a secondary theme so that you can talk about it together with the theme of accomplishment. The secondary theme could be about your specific plans for the next few years of life.

:-)

Essays / "250 - 300 word essay on plagiarism in apa format/style" - starting the essay [8]


Well the abstract is easy. Write it after you finish writing the essay.

As for whether or not to include one, I think you might as well include it. The way to know for sure is to ask the professor, but of course it can't help to include one.

As for what apa style is, think of it as a practice of simply adding a name and publication year at the end of sentences that express facts you got from other people's writing (Cresswell, 2008).

And one APA authority says, "Always include the page number if you quote someone directly" (Cresswell, 2008, p. 17)

The above is just an example; Cresswell did not actually say that exact sentence.

But anyway, I hope that helps! Sometimes APA is used with an abstract and sometimes without. I think you should use one. It's easy! Just describe your paper in >120 words.

Undergraduate / overview about educational and life experiences [10]

Yeah, February 5th is coming up soon... About using email, people have asked for that from time to time, but I always have to tell them that they need to post their work in the forum if they want my help. The idea is to have the correspondence here so that other people can see the process of improving writing. I hope you understand!

Scholarship / Essay about leadership experience based on initiative [2]

Now I am currently serving as a coordinator at NYCSP, and this has been my role since September 2006.

I think you should cut some unnecessary sentences from the first 2 paragraphs and put them together as one. That way, when you write about he opportunity to demonstrate your newfound ability it will be a good thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

As an example of a sentence you might want to cut, considercutting this one:
As I was growing up, my older sister was a big influence on me, since she used to be a volunteer of the New York Methodist Hospital and our local church, Brooklyn Alliance Church. It does not really have an important purpose here. It is nice to mention your sistr, but let's stay focused on the introduction of this leadership experience.

I realized that we couldn't get any results, unless the search was conducted in an orderly and organized manner.

Scholarship / a Program Aide in Regent West Adult Health Care Center - leadership experience [5]

The My most significant leadership experience I've got while occurred when I was working as a Program Aide in Regent West Adult Health Care Center in California. My job description consisted of helping the patients who wanted to learn to use computers and support basic IT questions.

Surprisingly, no one had attended.

Each of them had his/her own scheduled times to use the computer. All of them knew basic computer operations. I didn't think of anything of it at the time, but in retrospect it feels satisfying thinking back that I could at least changed partial of people's life.

Capitalize Internet.

This essay is very impressive because itit so thoughtful an reflective!

Undergraduate / Additional Information for undergraduate admission [3]

I did not do as well academically in high school as I could have. During the first two years, of my high school career were spent I was at a public school. The teachers at the school spent a lot of time disciplining other children. Since I was not one of the children that constantly needed discipline, I often did not get the same amount of attention from the teachers. Let's get rid of all this, because it souds like an excuse.

I cruised my way through the first two years of high school, never really having to study or try too hard to get a passing grade. This was what I consider, the biggest mistake of my life. I transferred to ...

okay, very good, but can you tell a little more about your plan to contribute to alleviating suffering and improving technology, etc.?

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Hijab: Friend or foe? (argumentative essay on 2 authors essays) [7]

Be ready always to stop a sentence an introduce some dialogue:
Mustafa argues that the Hijab is important to her because looks are not important and people shouldn't be judged by looks or gender. She states "[t]he only thing that makes one person better...

Both have very different and similar points of argument.------- I think the way to say this is:
These points of argument have commonalities and differences.

If you think that everyone is equal in their own way, and no one should have to cover up their face, then don't wear the Hijab. ------- yes, excellent. Live your life and enjoy the pleasure of expressing beauty in both language and action.

I also agree with both authors on their point about not caring what people think about them. It really is no one's business what you wear or don't wear.

Very good! You are a part of a very important movement.

:-)

Undergraduate / STUCK - World View Essay - how I can alter this? [3]

Okay, it is written beautifully, but I think the first few lines should be written in the first person perspective instead of the second person perspective.

I imagine the earliest days of my childhood, when ...

I think that way sounds more endearing and persuasive.

Throughout the whole thing, I think you should try it in the first person perspective.

Even down here:
If someone is in need of a friend, I will talk to them. If someone needs consoling, I'll console them. If someone is lost, I will help them find their own way.

And I think it will be better this way, as you talk about yourself instead of the reader. But, don't you think it will be better if you describe a specific plan? Describe a plan for your next five years.

:-)

Scholarship / Travel to Europe - A significant opportunityand the impact it had on you [4]

Here is a good example of a place where we can eliminate words so that the sentence will pack a harder punch:

I had never gone outside of the country in my life or had traveled in an airplane before .------------ see how this sentence is jusst as strong without those words?

Woah, let's not end the first par with a boring statement of the obvious:
The trip was part of a school field trip; that meant that it involve traveling with the schoolteachers. ---- and it was a run on sentence, but I fixed it with a semi-colon. But let's not say it was a school field trip and that it involved traveling with teachers. Obviously a field trip involves teachers. Let's end that first para with a sentence about the main theme of the whole essay, the thesis statement.

:-)

Graduate / Peace Corps Admission Essay (master's in health administration) [5]

It's very impressive, and you certainly seem qualified. I don't know what criteria they use to judge you, though.

This sentence is long!
I have the opportunity to go the corporate route, make a substantial salary, and possibly dread waking up every morning -- but instead I want to v olunteer my services to people in need, make next to nothing in a strange land, and go to sleep every night with a smile on my face.

This is great! add a litle more to show that you are well-read about the Peace Corp. Show that you are an expert about their recent history.

Book Reports / comparing the tragic flaws from Frankenstein, Hamlet and The Great Gatsby [3]

Well, if you need help organizing your ideas, you should present them here! EssayForum can't just be a place where people can get their work done for them. One good strategy is to use sparknotes to learn all about each book. Then, as you read each book you'll really be able to appreciate the themes and symbols being used.

I hope you did well on your test today!

Undergraduate / "more newer things to explore" - Rhodes Supplement statements [8]

Since I live in a faraway country, I did not get a chance to visit Rhodes College or to see what it is really like. ------- the rest of this first para is beautifully written!

At the same time, I felt assured that if I get enrolled Rhodes would welcome me wholeheartedly and help me adjust to a new culture. I also came to know that Rhodes provides a wonderful opportunity to students who want to make greater academic progress through its fellowships. (no add something here about your specific interests, what you want to do for your career and how Rhodes can empower you.)

All of these characteristics make Rhodes very unique and different appealing compared to other colleges I know. They kind of signal that Rhodes has more newer things to explore for each of...

well done!! :-) This is very well-written. something can be well-written and still have errors. It's your personality that makes it nice.

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]


Yeah, that is the wisdom right there. It is good for people, including admissions office people, to remember that we all go through ups and downs.

Some people understand that as they read the essays, and some people are more judgmental.

There's a lot of thoughtful advice here! Everyone contributes really well...

Graduate / Speech therapist's dedication, intelligence & hard work; graduate school in speech therapy [8]

Hello! Well, you write without many errors. I can make all kinds of suggestions, but then it will be more like my writing than yours.

About the delivery of it all... I think it might be better if you do ot write the last para all about your dad's diabetes. You can write about your dad in one of the body paragraphs. Let that last paragraph reinforce your thesis, the central message of the essay. Let that last paragraph be like a grand finale that makes the reader really remember your message.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Organic foods against conventional foods - Can you check my essay [4]

Organic foods are getting more popular among the people of the world, and people are often choosing them over conventional fo ods.

There are clearly many benefits to organic foods: but there are specific like it is healthier, it protects the environment, and it has a diffe rent taste.

The organic farming and produce of organic foods have been prevalent from the time agriculture was first conceived.

The organic food not only taste better, but also is free of preservatives.

Nice ending!!

Undergraduate / a strict Asian household: How has your family history influence who you are? [5]

This is beautifully written! You must be so inspired by them...

each day their struggles for survival remind me of the woman I can be. --- right here is the spot where you should do a paragraph break. Start paragraph 2 with this:

I grew up being the light from their darkness, the flower that survived the...

...their strengths, resilience in the face of failure, and persistence to...

:-)

Writing Feedback / tobacco adverts should be banned? [13]

Therefore, there is an opinion that all advertisements of tobacco companies should be totally banned. ------ good, but you ended the first paragraph with this idea, so maybe you can change it:

Therefore, many people are of the opinion that all advertisements of tobacco companies should be totally banned, and this widespread opinion should be acknowledged.

There are great corrections by the people in this thread! Everyone is contributing well.

Moreover, smoking can damage not only health of smokers, but also the health of non-smokers.

Undergraduate / fashion management program, What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? [3]

Since I was young, I was the one who gave fashion advice to my family and friends about what they shoud wear for the next day.

I was always such a little stylist for everyone, because I was interested in all aspects of the fashion when I was young.--- very good sentence!

...that did not change was my passion for fashion.

I have had a hard time when I first came to Canada, as I missed my South Korean family who lives in South Korea all the time.

As it was, I have enjoyed putting my self in more challenging situations, and I have always acclimated well to new surroundings.

There are s So many other fashion schools are available around the world, but I think there is none of which are right for me; I am determined to attend FIT.

:-) Good luck, keep practicing English! I think you might have a special opportunity to contribute to multicultural fashion now that you have experienced so many cultures.

Scholarship / experiences in voluntary community service, my answers for scholarship questions [5]

Let's zoom in on this one:

...felt obliged to spread the awareness and became the leader for the event in school.
I crossed ou "the," because you can just say: "to spread awareness".. usually people don't say "spread the awareness."

Also, when you say you felt obliged, what do you mean? Do you mean "compelled" or "motivated" or "passionate?" You could say:

...felt so passionate about it that I wanted to spread awareness and...

Yes, and I see that you wrote Here instead of There, but Rachel already corrected that...

:-)

Book Reports / Macbeth Reflection, conclusion is a little cheesy? [5]

Macbeth is a book filled with betrayal, prophecies, and revenge. and many other themes .
(above) some phrases are like weak soldiers that put the whole platoon at risk.

Here is another one, sucking the life from your writing:
As one could see, t Throughout this book, Macbeth seeks...

Now add one more sentence to the end of that intro paragraph -- a sentence that ill "sharpen" your thesis statement and make it very specific and clear.

run on sentence:
This could also be a theme to the book: Macbeth is telling us how short life can be, and how important it is to make full use of it.----- but if you are writing about this theme, too, you should get it involved with the main them of the essay? Can you, in a single sentence, express the main theme of the essay?

:-)