Writing Feedback / Problem Solving Essay:Contradicting Characteristics-Correct my essay [5]

Well, it should be something that resonates with ou. Think of what you feel strongly about; what problems are associated with it? Practical problems... the dropout rate suggestion is a smart one.

What about something for which you can find a lot of information? The Internet is very valuable for teaching children, but it also can be dangerous, which is a problem. How do you solve the problem of regulating content on the Internet to protect children while they explore it?

Graduate / From bachelor in electronics engineering to the masters in telecommunication (from UK) [5]

Yes, and remember that it is about your purpose. It is about your plan for the next few years or decades. Show that you are committed to making specific contributions to your field and/or community, and make it clear to them that this program is crucial for achieving your aspirations. What masters program do you have in mind? electronics engineering?

Graduate / Personal Statement for PHD in Health Informatics [5]

This is some very strong writing!

I feel like something might be mising when you say this---> I would like the output of my work and research to have significant influence towards improving patient care outcomes whilst reducing information costs in the entire healthcare ecosystem ------ it is a complex sentence that is intelligently articulated, but it is so general. "Improving outcomes is general, and when you say you hope to reduce costs, it makes me want to know what you have in mind.

Like I said, it is already strong writing, but maybe in the intro paragraph you can give an idea about what you have in mind for achieving these lofty goals. I see that you refer to some important concepts in the essay, so maybe these are the ones you should mention in the intro as you make this claim to have this aspiration.

This concept should be given more focus---> ...work on addressing issues related to data duplication and redundancy as well as develop process streams that are in compliance with HIPAA without increasing data entry efforts while reducing costs of patient data management.---- it is a long, complex sentence, but it is great, because it expresses a specific idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / JACKSONVILLE UNIVERSITY: Summarize your present academic & career goals. [12]


Let's try a little harder than this to make the reader take notice, to make the reader's mind engage with real curiosity... or at least soothe the reader with a rhythmic sentence. Do something excellent with every first line.

I have never drunk alcohol, smoked, did done drugs, been to a party, or been in trouble. --- good, stay focused!

I think you should name the activities that show you to be a good kid, but you do not necessarily have to list all the bad things you have not done.

This essay seems to roam around to lots of topics. If you read the first sentence of every paragraph, you'll see what I mean. You cover a lot of ground, but I wonder if it might be better to decide on a theme, a particular kind of experience you want to provide for the reader. Maybe you want to exhibit an attitude of fearlessness and demonstrate a way of thinking that will even make the reader want to pause and reassess hew attitude toward life. Maybe you want to artfully make it your goal to actually make the reader feel inspired. If you can rewrite some of the topic sentences so that they keep promoting a common theme, perhaps using a memorable phrase that you repeat a few times, then all this great content will be driving home a particular point. That is how to use a theme to make a lot of roaming around writing become something direct and powerful.

I don't know if I explained that very well!!

:-)

Undergraduate / I am mr. Lonely. Advice type essay [7]


when you say the words went in one ear and out the other, that is like an expression that means you did not pay attention, did not learn from the words. Is that what you are trying to say?

You should keep it in the past tense. was unaware of what lay.
Eager to experience the new surroundings, I was unaware of the bumpy road that lay ahead.

This is nice, and I bet your dad is proud as he reads this essay, but I think you can go deeper in your analysis of the advice. It says to persevere and DO something. Many times, people cope with depression by taking action. You can analyze each part separately, and you can even spend time to read a book about existential psychology, such as Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl, and apply what you learned to this advice. You can go very deep in your analysis of this, because your father's wisdom goes very deep.

Undergraduate / common app short answer: tennis in my life [4]

Well, you start right in with the story... that is the problem. You need to connect with the reader first. Did that really say "CONGRATULATIONS!" You are an alternate? That is harsh, because someone might really have their hopes up, and then they see "congratulations," and then it turns out that they actually only get to be an alternate. Kind of harsh!

I think this is a good way to connect with the reader:
"CONGRATULATIONS!" You do not get to be a starting player. (and then you can explain what happened, and why, but you need to have a theme!

What is the theme, here You said you can't get it to flow, and that is because it lacks purpose. If that last sentence expresses the main idea, it is pretty weak. You can come up with a more poignant and meaningful truth to express.

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Michigan essay. Reasons you are interested in pharmacy. [2]

Growing up many children dream of becoming a firefighter or a doctor. As for myself I had no idea of what I wanted to do. ---- looking at these two sentences, which do you think makes the reader feel curious? One is a statement of the obvious, but the other is bearing a little of your soul. Attending to the reader's experience, then, you should start by hitting them with the curiosity sentence:

Growing up many children dream of becoming a firefighter or a doctor. As a child, I had no idea of what I wanted to do.

Your first para basically says you are not one of those people who knew early on what you wanted to do, but that you eventually decided on pharmacy. If you are not saying anything particularly interesting, it can't be good writing. Make an impression; what can you say that will intrigue the reader? Have a purpose in mind.

The second paragraph also makes you seem like an average candidate rather than an especially motivated one. What if your interest in pharmacy was linked to your philosophy of medicine, which was based on the principles of critical thinking as you learned them from a book by Keeley and Brown? Then you would have a reaal story to tell. Intrigue the reader by going deep in your contemplation of the significance of pharmacy in 21st century medicine. This essan, right now, is very average!! :-) I'm sure you can write something... gripping!

Undergraduate / Balance between my learning prospects and the study environment - Hamilton [2]

This is a compound sentence, so use a comma:
The athletic facilities are great, and it was rewarding to find a Tae Kwon Do (my favorite sport) organization sufficiently fortified to appear in the college's website.

This sentence is so long, and it has some unnecessary/meaningless words: As an international student, I am aware of the importance of the cultural exchange among members of a community and I am confident that Hamilton, as a small liberal arts college with a close knit community, will be the perfect environment for it. Let's find a new way to end this sentence! A meaningful thought to leave them with.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Meaningful soccer game' - Common App Short Essay (Soccer) [2]


Hi Daniel, I think this has too much telling and not enough... poetry. In a short essay like this, you have to choose words that really impact the reader. To turn this into poetry, choose a real PURPOSE... a specific experience you want to provide for the reader. The sentence above, about soccer reflecting life as most people see it, is very good! It is memorale and significant, not like the mundane stuff about when you started playing soccer or "played in many successful clubs." Don't waste any words! Let it all be for the reader's experience of _______.

Of what... excitement about going deep into something meditative, like soccer.

Undergraduate / Bucknell Supp -- Why did I chose my major and Three Important Characteristics [5]


Ha ha, I saw that other thread you are talking about. You wrote an rewrote your response trying to be polite, but then you got frustrated and resorted to bluntness. That happens to me all the time! ha ha... so.. it is cool that Raph stuck up for that person a little. And it is cool that you gave honest feedback, which I thought was quite good.

I find Art bewitching because of its ability to see the nonexistent and its limitless capacity.--- I think you can come up with something better to say about art. Anything you say about it reduces it... you need to reduce it to something that can be conveyed. The very purpose of art is to take a stab at expressing something that cannot be conveyed. Poetry and painting attempt to express what ordinary talking cannot express. So as you try to express what art is, you should take an abstract approach that does not reduce it.

Also... "ability to see that which does not yet but soon will exist and its limitless capacity for _______.

For the second one, I love the why guy explanation of yourself. However, for this type of essay i think i is good to succinctly answer their question right away. In the topic sentence for each para, you should state the reason; on't make them wait and follow you through all kinds of stuff. Use the topic sentence to, in a clear and clever way, express the reason.

It definitely did not look like the Student Council elections were being held in that room.----- In order to really improve your composition, put a solid thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph. if I say you should ALWAYS do that, I would be doing that art-reducing thing... but for this kind of important essay, show your skill be giving a bold thesis statement at the end of the first para.

Scholarship / "the great gift of talent in English" - Gates Millenium Scholarship Essays [5]


here is a little typo.

Ha ha, tis is an interesting thread. Well, H.J. may have been a little harsh, but I cannot disagree with the main idea. You do indeed write without errors, excellent grammar, but to say you are an excellent writer is like saying you are an excellent painter. It means nothing to us unless you show us. And if indeed you are an excellent painter, what is the best thing to do? Talk about it throughout a long paragraph? Or should you refer to vents that deomonstrate it, so that the reader draws her own conclusions.

If you really want to be a great writer, find On Writing by Stephen King.

:-)

P.S. if you grew up learning English as a second language, and you picked up faster than other people, that is different. But if you are someone who grew up speaking English, ust saying you are a good writer is like saying you are an excellent musician. What instruments do you play? What kind of writing do you do? What literary styles do you admire, like Raph mentioned...

Undergraduate / 'the Asian Supermarket' - Georgetown essay about YOU [5]


Across the street from what?

Okay, this essay is well-written, and it gives a sense of real warmth and a nice feeling thinking about your great family. You should make sure the people in your family see this essay you wrote; they will feel good about the impression they made on you with the llife they provied and their good examples.

For this essay, I see that.. you obviously write very well, but I suggest taking a different approach. How old were you during the times you are describing. I don't think it is god to start with an errand to get Kim Chi when you were a young child. Start with action.

Write about action you are taking, action related to your chosen field of study or fields that interest you. Don't just write about yourself in order for them to get to know you; let them get to know the side of you that is hell bent on success in a certain field, and that is so excited about using the resources at this particular school.

I just think this essay is not strategically the best approach... it is well written!!! :-) As you work, enjoy every moment.

Poetry / 'siting in a dark room...' poem [9]


This part confused me a lot! I think it needs to be made clearer so that impact of the poem can be made. Mae it all come clear for the reader at the end.

It sounds like this is about a real experience you had?

Undergraduate / UCF Essay. Academic, personal life and culture. [3]

One of the opportunities my parents wanted me to have was to receive an education in the American Collegiate educational system that will be beneficial to my future as an adult throughout my life.

Well... your parents are real heroes, because this is such a meaningful goal.

Don't use unnecessary words:
Leaving my native country England to migrate to the...

Unnecessary words suck the life out of an essay.

move this comma:
...would be difficult, but in fact it has been the most ...

use commas when you list things:
Whether it is school, work, or competing with my friends in a race, I have always been known to enthusiastically work to my full potential.---- or maybe you meant:

Whether it is schoolwork or competing with my friends in a race, I have always been known to enthusiastically work to my full potential.

... but anyway, I think this is a bad beginning. How about replacing that first sentence with one about an example of a time when you "worked to your full potential." It is meaningless to assert something so general... better to sow them, and let them draw the conclusion that you do indeed work to your potential.

:-)

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

Hi, I found a good page to help you out! It says, "Any variable that is not quantitative is categorical.."

oswego.edu/~srp/stats/variable_types.htm

You can express a variable numerically, like number of complaints... or you can express them qualitatively and even analyze the kinds of complaints.

Then again, you can also use a Likert scale to quantify data that is based on people's abstract ideas. YOU get to choose what kind of variable is used, because it is your work.

But for this question, remember that any variable you don't express as a number is going to be categorical.

:-)

Undergraduate / GMSP steps toward future ambitions [3]


I think this is the start of a good thesis sentence, but you should list the short and long term goals. You should write:
I have a lot of short term goals, including _________, ___________, and _____________, and these will contribute to my long term goal of _____________.

That last para should also be longer. It should be a thoughtful para in which you try to explain a common principle that unites al your interests -- a theme that helps people to really understand you. Make that last para a memorable one.

:-)

Undergraduate / GMSP. My passion for history [4]

Nadine made some very important corrections. Use those to improve your writing. I also think you should add a sentence or two to that first paragraph so that it is longer. That first paragraph is supposed to introduce the most important idea of the whole essay. Do not just tell the story; pause at the end of the first paragraph to confidently state the thesis statement, the main theme for the whole essay.

After you give the thesis sentence at the end of that first para, it will be reinforced by al that you say with the rest of the essay.

:-)

Letters / Question About Order in a Résumé [6]

Yes, it really depends on the style of resume you are using.
There are more options than you have probably even considered. Check this out for lots of ideas:

images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=resume+template&sourceid=navcl ient-ff&rlz=1B3GGGL_enUS292US292&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=zcxTS8aLLoyklAey84S0 Cg&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=4&ved=0CDIQsAQwAw

Book Reports / The Aspects of Courage in To Kill a Mockingbird - my essay for 9th grade english [2]


Excellent thesis sentence!!

You write so well! This is strong composition. You must have good teachers, because your topic sentences go so well with the thesis, and you really write very clearly and eloquently.

I see that jen made some great suggestions. Actually, I think Black people should be replaced with African Americans to be politically correct.

I want to suggest to you a trick I use for making essays full of meaning and thoughtfulness: make them bottom-heavy. That means, keep the intro paragraph (at the top) rather short, and get to the thesis sentence right away; you did that. But then, make the last paragraph a long one, and use it to consider implications of what you have shown, challenge your own ideas, and reflect on your thoughts. Make a long last paragraph to really go deep into reflection.

:-)

Undergraduate / USC - making choices based on the situation of the moment [3]

I really like the wisdom in that last sentence of the first para... very good!

Even though I had made the decision to become a member of a fraternity, I knew that it was a decision I should have never made. I started to realize...

They did not use education as a way to make their lives easier. Instead of staying up all night studying or doing homework, they would go out and party.

After only a semester of joining involvement with the fraternity, I decided to take a leave of absence from them to focus on my education. I discovered that my education had to be important to me if I want to succeed in life. I have also found that...

Nice job! Now, at the end I think you should refer to those words by Kubler-Ross one more time to bring the essay full-circle.

:-)

Undergraduate / Best way of properly conveying my interests - UIUC Transfer Entrance Essay [4]

Hey, you write very well and without errors. The way to convey your idea is to use the same method artists everywhere use: you have to have a strategy. One good strategy is to use a theme. A Theme can serve as a reference point that enables the reader to see thing as you see them, sort of.

For example, what if the first sentence said something about you being called an android, and then the last sentence of the first paragraph says something about the significance of the concepts of an android with regard to what it means to you as you prepare to take your education. At the end of the essay, you can refer to this theme again to complete it. The idea is to introduce and reinforce a theme that stays in the reader's mind. You can use this theme -- that you started to identify with the idea of being like a android -- and use it to show your seriousness and appreciation for technology.

So, in addition to trying to articulate your enthusiasm for technical things, articulate a theme that will plant the main idea of the essay in the reader's mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / What is a GLOBAL CITIZEN? GWU SUPPLEMENT [5]

Hey, that first paragraph is quite short, and it ends with a short sentence that raises an important question. I think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first para, and let it be your thesis sentence, the sentence that tries to capture the central truth of the whole essay.

Being a global citizen is concept often associated with defined with that sense of unselfish concern for the international community. ---- how about this way?

That last sentence of para #2 is beautiful...

Global Citizenship encompasses beyond more than multiculturalism and the battles for peace.

Okay, and whatever thesis sentence you add to paragraph one should also be expressed again in an additional sentence to lengthen the conclusion paragraph. It will be nice if you come up with a meaningful, memoraable phrase that is used both in the thesis sentence and the conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Bucknell Supp -- Question (plans, major) [4]

I think it's a simple matter of choosing a few from the list as a way of expressing your unique interests.


I think you can choose 1-3 in addition to your first choice. And yes, you could choose any major. In addition to your first choice, you might be interested in social work, because a social work degree opens up so many different opportunities. Or, you might be interested in political science, because you are becoming fascinated with politics.

For your grad school plans, just tell them the current status of your plan. What specific areas of your chosen field interest you most? Whatever they are, describe some research involving them -- research you might do as a grad student. To whatever extent you can expound our plan, do so, because it shows your seriousness.

:-)

Essays / Thesis statement for an argumentative essay about music [8]


The word very is always weak, because you only have to use it when you lack a way of DEMONSTRATING the extensiveness of whatever very is modifying. Also, very is abstract and inexact. A thesis should be specific and "arguable."

What does it mean for a thesis to be arguable? Well, I don't think anyone would argue with this thesis you have here. However, if you make an argument that music is more important to society's development than language, that is something people might argue against!

You can argue that language is a form of music, and that music is therefore more fundamental and significant. That sort of controversial approach makes a good thesis. Argue something people can disagree with.

:-)

Graduate / Personal Essay: Masters of Science in Nursing [2]

I lost three members of my family in 2003-- both my grandmothers to cancer, and my paternal uncle to liver failure. ----- Do you like this way of restructuring the sentence?

...the medical imaging field would enable me to help save others and prevent them going through what my family experienced.

comma:
I decided to specialize in ultrasound, because the...

I just think a little more work should be done on the last paragraph, where you tell the reasons this school is good for helping you achieve your goals. Oh, I see that you specifically requested help with this paragraph. I think you should come up with an argument that shows this setting to be better for you, personally, than many similar settings. There are many schools affiliated with hospitals, but perhaps a certain prof at this school is a hero of yours. This essay will be a little more persuasive if you come up with a good arguent about how this school is perfect for you, better than similar schools.

:-)

Undergraduate / GWU essay:"was that the japanese embassy?!" [2]

Your first paragraph is so impressive! It really succeeds in PROVING that you have a deep sense of appreciation for this kind of art.

One idea I have for you, though, is to add some mention of international relations in that first paragraph; as you hae it now, it seems like you are about to write an essay about your interest in architecture!

active voice:
I was hooked to the George Washington University hooked my attention with its expertise offerings in international studies, and it drew me in by...

:-)

Graduate / SOP for MSc in Petroleum Engineering [4]

The enormous numbers of challenges thrown out (posed or presented) by...

Apart from the technical courses which included fluid mechanics, thermodynamics, physical and analytical chemistry, etc I was also exposed to hands - on experimentations. --------------- add one more sentence to this para so that the para ends with a thesis sentence that captures the main idea of the whole essay. It should be a sentence about your purpose.

I think those last 2 paragraphs should be combined as one. This is impressive! I think you will be well-received because of your seriousness.

Undergraduate / Reed College Supplement-Why do you choose Reed [3]


What is this sentence supposed to mean? I think you should say it in a ery simple way, and then end the first paragraph with a sentence that conveys the main idea of the whole essay.

In my school, every student should (what word is supposed to be here? I don't think you mean 'should') choose between Sciences Class and Arts Class in Grade two.

I hope intend to major in biology in the college.

I think one more sentence should be added to the end of the lst paragraph... an interesting final thought to leave with the reader. Can you come up with one more good sentence that expresses your intention?

:-)

Scholarship / "The customers" : Subway Part-Time Job/ Topic of Your Choice [4]

This is great! What a refreshing essay to read. Ha ha, I totally understand your frustration.

They almost seem more like more of a symbol than just a person who happens to be hungry.

...I see them as the obstacles interfering with my ability to be person keeping me from being productive. ---- ha ha, very clever idea! You are funny.

use a colon:
Now this is the most important part; The way they order.

Maybe the reason customers of this type brighte n my...

And there are customers who thrust out a hand that holds a $20 bill, and then they turn to look behind them at their friend, and they are standing here not bothering to look at me -- the little man who is about to make their lunch for them! So I have to try to catch the money that they are moving all around, not paying attention as they try to hand it to me.

Customers enter a kind of hypnotized state when they are shopping or placing an order, because they are conditioned to be obnoxious when they are customers. And they will complain and demand refunds like we owe them something. Well I don't owe them anything! I'm so angry!!

Scholarship / Racism, Injustice (others were treated unfairly) [4]

...my grandmother asking me to stop at a store on my way down to purchase a package of instant gravy. (I crossed out unnecessary words. The reader will know you were on your way down.)

Me and m My mother and I speed-walked our way across...

Sprinting up and down the ails, we eventually found the package of gravy.


Yes, and maybe the experience will help that cashier to realize that her attitude is not acceptable in 20th century society. Did this happen in America? I can't believe some people still think that way...

Undergraduate / Bryn Mawr supplement essay: What you expect to gain and what will you contribute [5]

"Why his eyebrow curves like that? " A Pakistani tourist asked me why such cunning look appeared on a very white face; while white meant purity and holiness rather than duplicity in his nation.--- I used a semi-colon to help manage this complex sentence.

A British man was confused by Zhang Fei's irascible temper which made him kill .--- Is this supposed to say "kill?"

When we were sitting on a swing at a serene dusk, I told my Japanese friend that her nation used to invade my country. ---- I switched the order of this sentence to make it clearer.

Now I am preparing for my college life. I expect an environment in which individuals are fully attended instead of lost in the crowd and being neglected, and Bryn Mar's distinctive women's liberal arts education that offers enough attention for women's intellectual development, so it fits my need.

Scholarship / Holidays: a time to celebrate or take precaution - Intellectual Topic Essay [4]

The prominent reason for such fatal time period is due to that accidents on roads are caused because of alcohol consumption.

Preparing to adorn houses with lights is not the only thing being planned during the holiday season; celebration is anticipated as well. this sentence is unnecessary and too obvious.

Parties celebrating the holiday glee often comprise consist of alcohol intake.

Google around for sentences using the word consist and the word comprise to becoe skilled in their use.

You write very eloquently. This needs some structure, though. There are enough sentences here, I think, to have 3 paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / Anxiety may even kill you, but it may also lead to poor decision-making, thinking, and socialization [3]

I asked my friends who had participate d in the same activities for advice on how to cure these pains. They recommended me to that I should take some sort of a yoga class. At first, I thought they were just being silly, but I took it into consideration after I had another week of continuous distress. Therefore, I decided to partake in a yoga class that was held every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of every week at my school. (you should rewrite this sentence; the reader does not need to know what days the class was held.) It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Nice job! The rest of it is very good! The great thing about Yoga is that you practice relaxation while standing in uncomfortable positions. Usually, our bodies become tense in response to discomfort, but Yoga teaches the body to respond to discomfort with deep relaxation.

Undergraduate / "electrical engineering" - Discuss your short and long-term goals and priorities [3]

You write so well! The first sentence of the essay seems a little strange, because technology IS the way we improve out standards of livng. From medical technology to transportation technology, technology IS the way. So you should not ask, "Could we have improved without technology?" because it is like asking, "Could we have improved if we had not improved?" I hope this makes sense the way I explained it here! :-)

Good structure in composition:
Let each paragraph have a topic sentence (the first sentence) that expresses an idea:
In college, I want to pursue a degree in electrical engineering. --- this is a good idea, but maybe a little too simple. The paragraph is about the reasons why, so make this sentence about the reasons why.

In college, I want to pursue a degree in electrical engineering for two reasons . I want to use my degree to work on improving the existing electronic systems and creating new ones. Another goal I want to achieve with my degree is to improve the lives of people in third world countries; my parents grew up in a very poor environment in China. Therefore, I want to help other families and prevent them from suffering from bad living conditions as my parents did. I plan to travel abroad to provide aid to those in need. (now add a conclusion sentence for this paragraph... a sentence that reflects on these 2 reasons.

Graduate / SOP MFA Graphic Design, goals and objectives [3]

I fell in love with the computer and used it for many years before I realized I was missing something in my work.

Do you like it with a colon? (below)
I was missing certain experiences: to uching paper and seeing the format in its original size, all the materials and their smells, moving things around, standing them up, and gaining a new perspective on the work.

My areas of interest within the field of dimensional and tactile graphic design focuses primarily on sensory experience in type design. (what is type design?) It explores how this...

Through static or moving work, the installed pieces could begin to integrate existing structures within the work... and discuss issues that directly relate to their chosen environments. The pieces cannot discuss anything. Something is missing here.

These notions of the sensory experience and tactile graphic design are important to me professionally as, in the undergraduate degree, I have rarely had the opportunity to bring into discourse a wide range of media and ideas, especially in terms of a major project that has built into it significant time to trial and develop various experiments and approaches that may help to move the work forward, beyond my current level of professional competence. -------this is so long!! It is gobble-de-gook, in the sense that the notions to which you refer do not particularly represent the wide range to which you refer. It is a whole lot of words saying not so much.

I recommend Stephen King's On Writing to many people here at EF. I recommend it to you, because it shows how the most brilliant writing is often the least complicated writing.

:-)

An important aspect of my studies will be to do with pertain to the contributions of sensory modalities and the ...

Graduate / Having a minor freakout over tailoring essays to fit [4]

Yes, a bad paragraph can sink an essay. A good essay can become a bad essay if it is polluted. The thing is, though, you have no way of knowing what experience the reader will have with your essay or how s/he interprets the criteria being used to judge you. Moreover, tons of factors are at work to determine whether you get accepted, and you can't control all of them. We might have an apocalyptic event tomorrow, and your wilderness survival skills will become most important! It's not about whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

Writing Feedback / Industrial Revolution (essay on a respectable topic) [2]

They showed us a powerful video/audio footage of Rachel's life and the Columbine tragedy that led everyone, including me, spell bounded.---- this thesis statement is very general and broad. The essay would be interesting in a sharper way if you made an observation that was more specific. However, this is very solid, very good just as it is. It does not have to be made sharper, but it could be if you wanted a specific theme.It would be like dedicating the essay to an idea.

Your topic sentences are good.

The whole essay s well-written, just a little bit boring. If you gave it a theme to make it unique, it would be so much better! :-)

Undergraduate / Bullying - Essay about an unfair situation [3]

That first paragraph is one long definition. It should be more than a definition. End your first paragraph with a thesis statement.

They showed us a powerful video/audio footage of Rachel's life and the Columbine tragedy that left everyone, including me, spellbound .

Change your intro so that it affirms something about bullying -- so that it makes a statement about bullying that will become the theme of the essay. What is the message of your essay? Whatever it is, you should write abou it both at the beginning and end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Whats up roommate? kind of essay [4]

These past four were hard work were they not? From maintaining grades to cramming f or tests and quizzes, and not to mention the infamous SAT, it was tough. But we have managed to pull it through. Isn't it amazing how swift four years in high school have flashed by?

Keep practicing those verbs. Practice writing all in the present tense, and then practice writng all in the past tense. If you start writing n the past tense, keep writing in the past tense.

Before we knew it, we were in search of the right college.

Family, friends, and teachers unanimously say that I am respectful, responsible, outgoing, friendly, and unique.

:-)

Undergraduate / "convenience, ardor, and majors" - UCF Admission Essay - why I chose UCF [3]

Yes, I have to agree with Boxin. That first para is all fluff. the trick is to write something specific, even if it is not the most important thig n the world. Write something about your specific plans.

When you get to this part...There are a horde ----> it is wrong... it should be there is a horde.

But that whole irst part should be scrapped and replaced with something meaningful.

Oh, I see something good here! This discussion of the major they offer is excellent. If you are going there for a particular major that other schools do not offer, you should make that the central theme of your essay. It shows that you have a plan for life.

:-)