Writing Feedback / "Wise people appreciate the little things in life" - narrative essay [5]

I wonder if you can add more feeling to this? If you let the reader see your struggles to conceive and your grief after the miscarriage, then the reader will be better able to celebrate with you when the baby is born.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]

Suggested opening:

My heart fell on the floor when I heard the news. Just home from a long day at my Serve for the Cure volleyball tournament, I picked up the telephone to hear that my best friend died in the MS 180 charity bike ride to Myrtle Beach.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend Pratt? (personal statement) [7]


Most of this can be cut.

Undergraduate / Open topic - Common App Personal Statement (Thursday afternoons) [3]

Approach editing for concision the same way you would approach a chess strategy. But, instead of asking, "How can I achieve this in the least number of moves?" ask "How can I say this in the least number of words." Do this for every sentence. You'll be surprised by the result.

And, yes, this is a wonderful, engaging essay that showcases your personality as well as your intelligence.

Undergraduate / 'naval budget' - MaCaulay Honors College Essay [9]

That would be great. Welcome back.

Undergraduate / "Perseverance"- UF Application Essay [5]

I'd like to hear what other forum members think on this one. I'm not sure that this episode, however meaningful it felt to you, is large enough to support this essay. What happened, really? The music stopped and, as a co-captain ought to do, you counted to get the dancers going again. This is more like a story you'd tell friends or family than an example of a meaningful life experience. Or so it seems to me. Perhaps others feel differently.,

Undergraduate / "love the game of baseball" - Issue of importance [4]

The essay does catch my attention and holds it through the first and second paragraphs, even though you need to match the strength of your imagery with stronger and more concisely phrased sentences. The essay begins to drag towards the end of the second paragraph and into the third, which is a shame because you introduce a very interesting twist in the fourth paragraph. All in all, I'd like to see you edit ruthlessly, cutting out trite phrases like "practice makes perfect," using as many action verbs as possible, and making your sentences less wordy. I'm sure our friendly forum members will have some specific suggestions on for where and how to do that.

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

Sean and I both advised you to avoid this topic. Sean explained why very clearly: Reading this essay is a terribly uncomfortable experience. As long as you maintain that the awful scene you describe in the first paragraph is justifiable, you cannot possibly word this essay in a way that will not make most readers very, very uncomfortable. Since you are not likely to change your mind any time soon, the only thing you can do is choose another topic.

Undergraduate / "It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay [16]

What you've got so far is very strong, but now you have to take it somewhere. We can't help you come up with the conclusion, because we don't know what it is that you will do.

What's amusing to me is that I had the same experience at your age, only to the underlying philosophy: existentialism. This is a philosophical system that holds that "existence precedes essence" or, in other words, "you are what you do." That insight has guided me ever since. I know what I have done with it, but only you can guess where it will lead you.

Undergraduate / "Payal was my role model and my inspiration" - University of Florida Essay [9]

This is a very strong story. I like the way that you include details, such as what you did when you got the bad news and what you did just after your dear cousin died. You've also done a good job of tying the story to your educational goals.


I don't understand what you mean by "disproportional" in this context.

Writing Feedback / Should government withhold information?--A GRE Issue topic [12]

You are the one who decided to include a "what the government should do" comment in your conclusion. That's an excellent way to end an essay -- suggesting some sort of action based on the arguments you have made. But the suggestion was weak.

The GRE is looking for analytic, sophisticated thinking. There is no formula for the essay. You must demonstrate the capacity for advanced, graduate-level thinking and writing.

Writing Feedback / Should government withhold information?--A GRE Issue topic [12]

By "complexities," the GRE means the more nuanced or subtle aspects of the questions, not just the simple problems and solutions that jump right out at you. While you can strongly argue for one side, you ought to do so in a manner that shows you are aware of the counter-arguments that might be made. As for a strong conclusion, what I meant by "tepid" in this instance was that the dangers of undue government secrecy are very grave, but the solution you offered was mild and vague.

Writing Feedback / Should government withhold information?--A GRE Issue topic [12]

I like your introduction. It's creative and engaging. Just be sure to put dialogue like "Oh my God!" in quotes. When using creative strategies like this, it becomes especially important for the mechanics of your writing (i.e., grammar, punctuation, organization) to be solid.

As for the content of your essay, I found the conclusion to be too tepid. "Think twice"? How about some sort of citizen oversight or other mechanism to make sure that governments do not abuse the notion of "security" to keep vital information from the public?

Undergraduate / "My transformation" - accomplishments that have helped define you as a person [3]

As you said, "okay ...great...just improve it."

Not so helpful, huh?

Writing Feedback / "Goods And Service Tax At All India Level"- how 2 improve this article [5]

I see. Still, in writing, it's always best to write for a particular audience. So, it's good that you've got a specific audience in mind. Of course, if you feel strongly about the ideas in this essay, you could always work them into a letter to the editor of a newspaper so that your imagined audience really will read your words.

Undergraduate / 'naval budget' - MaCaulay Honors College Essay [9]

I changed your name and affiliation to initials.

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]


But, you are presenting pharmacy as a sort of "second best" choice, like being a doctor, but not as hard. Why not just talk about always wanting to be in a healing profession, skipping the part about wanting to be a doctor but giving that up?

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [9]

Hmm... I'm not sure about bullet points within an admission essay, but I agree that the process of outlining what you want to say can lead you deeper and help you discover whatever it is that you have to say.

As for making an essay deeper: What has to happen first is for you to have the "deep thoughts," for you to reflect upon your experiences and come up with some insight on them. Sometimes journaling or freewriting, as opposed to structured outlining, can help you to write your way toward an insight.

Scholarship / MSU Personal Statement and Scholarship Essay [4]

Actually, 36 is OK. Twenty, thirty, forty, and the like should be spelled out, but compound numbers like thirty-six are best expressed as numerals.

Graduate / Grad School Statement of Purpose Critique (passion for academics and researc) [11]

You're very welcome! To show your gratitude, pitch in and help somebody else with their essay. There are quite a few folks looking for help in finding grammatical errors.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


Yes. Do yourself a favor: Review a general grammar text or website, find and fix whatever you can, and then repost. That way, the revision process will be more of a learning experience for you than if somebody just tells you what to fix.

Undergraduate / "An abandoned restaurant" - UF Undergraduate Admission Essay - Critiques? [2]

Your introduction is very strong, and your narrative is solid. I'd like to see you go beyond the usual -- united for a common cause, doing one small thing -- in assessing the impact of this experience on you. Can you remember how you felt when you saw and smelled the wrecked restaurant? Did you ever feel despair as you were working? If so, what pulled you through? Did you learn anything about the world from Katrina itself and did that in any way change the "common goals" toward which you want to work in future?

Scholarship / MSU Personal Statement and Scholarship Essay [4]


This is the emotional heart of the first essay. Start with this and then backtrack to acknowledge the good that came from your small town upbringing.

For the second essay, working at The North Face demonstrates your responsibility but not necessarily your leadership.

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [9]

I'm not understanding your question.

Graduate / Grad School Statement of Purpose Critique (passion for academics and researc) [11]

My insight and creative abilities lend themselves suitable not only to research but to problem solving in general.

I am very passionate about motivating and helping people and have been known to engage in intelligent conversation with colleagues and administration in order to implement initiated positive change at RPI and in the world .

I have a great desire to make a difference, and hope to one day make such a contribution to my field and in the community that my family and professors will be proud of .

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

Undoubtedly, this isn't the only thing you will have to write to obtain admission. So, seriously, study up so that you can catch your own errors.

Undergraduate / I'm much younger than everybody in my class; Edison state college adm. essay [4]

Hmmm... I think there's a way to spin this so that you can be honest without seeming to disrespect Edison State or its students. Essentially, what you're saying is that, after a year at a college, you feel that a university would be better suited to your goals. Also, you hope to broaden your horizons, which you are not able to do at Edison, where so many of the students are those with whom you attended high school. At the University, in contrast, you hope to encounter a much more diverse array of people.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay, Challenges/factors in life that make you who you are [4]


Your story is charming, especially at the beginning. But, notice, "factors and challenges" are plural, and you've essentially told us about only one thing. Shorten the Voices in Praise section in order to make room for other material.

Undergraduate / "around my family" - university of central florida essay #2 [5]


Whoa! Way too casual! And this sentence is way too long.

Writing Feedback / "Goods And Service Tax At All India Level"- how 2 improve this article [5]

You are calling this an article. Does this mean that you intend to publish it? Where? For what purpose? Who will your readers be? For example, within India the phrase "all India" is common and will make sense to your readers. Outside of India, you would need to say "at the national level" rather than "at the all India level."

Undergraduate / "I can bring my plenty" - Florida State University Undergraduate Admission Essay [4]

This is so much more interesting than most of the "Vires, Artes, Mores" essays we see! You did a great job of including vivid details to keep the reader's interest. If you do have room, add another sentence specifying what you hope to do in the field of psychology or psychiatry (they are different.)


Use either "you" or "one" but not both in one sentence.

Undergraduate / Stanford's Secondary (medical) [4]

Yes, this is lovely: Exactly the information they want, stated simply and modestly. Perfect.

Writing Feedback / Results of publicly funded scientific studies for free -help for GRE issue essay [4]


Ah, sorry I missed that. Well, then, I'd say that the essay is OK but not spectacular. For the GRE, you need to demonstrate advanced critical thinking within the context of a well-organized essay.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

In that instance, the comma is used to set off the subordinate clause.

I have two ideas for you: First, reflect on the fact that punctuation marks merely serve as markers for the pauses that would normally occur in speech. Read your sentences aloud, pausing wherever you have a comma and not pausing if you don't have a comma. If your comma makes you pause in a place where a pause ought not be, it might be an error. If your words run together where there should be a pause, maybe you need a comma.

Next, if you are asking such a basic question, it's probably past time for you to review the section on commas in your basic composition textbook or handbook. If you've foolishly gotten rid of that book, have a look at the Purdue Owl grammar website.

Graduate / Grad School Statement of Purpose Critique (passion for academics and researc) [11]

Good job! You've got some minor (but glaring) errors such as not capitalizing a professor's name and using "mater" instead of "master," so be sure to proofread very carefully before sending out your statement. Also, spell out "five."

Scholarship / Scholarship essay question help, your sense of humor, your personality [5]

Yes, that's a start. From this, we can learn that you are observant, empathic, and culturally sensitive. We also learn that you have experience in the field. Write it up!

Letters / "the fast food industry" - english assignment [4]

OK, so your next step is to put the things you listed into complete sentences. Go to it!

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


Commas are used in many different circumstances. I'm not understanding your question. Give some examples of the kind of sentence that you're not sure how to punctuate.

Undergraduate / A handwritten letter describing my family and educational ambitions - admission [11]

I think you are simply not understanding my suggestion, which is to creatively use the possibilities opened up by being asked to write a letter rather than an essay. That being the case, perhaps you should stick with an essay.

Undergraduate / "Whatever you do, own it!" - UCF admission - Why did you choose to apply to UCF [13]

Take Sean and Mustafa's advice.