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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
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Posts: 1583  
From: USA

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EF_Team5   
Oct 10, 2008
Writing Feedback / Praising others - necessary part of life? Sat Essay [2]

Good morning.

This is a great essay; your example of the experiment with the kids highlights your stance nicely. You relate your thoughts to real life with the example in the workplace.

Just a couple of suggestions at the end:

"...you are admitting defeat ..."

"Excessive flattery is better than acrid criticism; while the former can smooth relationships the latter will only destroy them. "

"So praise: be it parent/child, husband/wife, employer/employee, or friend to friend, i t is just simply a more comfortable way of living."

Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / "I've been a musician for eight years.." - FSU admission essay [6]

As to the word limit, it is best to then condense some of the more frivolent or unnecessary statements down to their most concise meanings; contractions in formal academic writing are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for them.

Unless specifically stated, the prompt is not generally needed as an inclusion to your paragraph. If you feel the need, you can open your essay with a complete sentence answering the prompt, but that may require you to rework your whole introduction.
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / "Life can be full of many obstacle and surprises" - Admission essay [5]

Good evening.

Your answer is a very good response to the prompt. You use a good, detailed example contained in strong, organized paragraphs with good transitions that flow nicely. Your introduction is interesting, and your conclusion wraps things up nicely. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / FSU essay: "Vires", has been forefront in my life [2]

Just a general comment: perhaps refreshing yourself with the rules of comma usage could benefit you; you seem to be a bit "comma happy"; don't worry, it happens to everyone-I'm "semi colon" happy ;)

Secondly, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count off for it.

Is your dad's passing a metaphor for your own emergence from the cocoon? Could the person before have been the caterpillar, and the person since his passing the butterfly? Could this also serve as a metaphor for your chance in perspective? Can you use this transformation in your academic career?
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / personal history - FSU to get accepted in college [2]

I'm not sure what the prompt is, so I am not sure how you would like me to proceed. This is indeed a personal history; are you to expand upon a certain aspect of it? Why are these incidences so important?

If it is to be just a general background for you as an individual, it is a very detailed response to the prompt. I wonder if your conclusion could use a little revision though; is there a way that you can tie this up by including a bit more of the historical information in it as refreshers?

Just a thought.
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / "I thought long and hard about where to spend 4 years" - UCF Essays [4]

Good evening.

The first essay is good, but a little dry. These are many of the standard answers coming from students; the way yours can stand out is by discussing details. What is it about the program you find the most interesting? How will this institution's program help you get to where you are going? Things like that.

As to the second one, it is a very original idea and a good essay. You draw good comparisons and wrap them up in your conclusion.

Overall, good essays.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / "I have played piano" - Chopin's Second Ballade [6]

Good evening.

As to the opening paragraph, instead of giving your readers a stolid background and then stiffly introducing the piece, don't tell us what you are going to tell us, just tell us; remove the first paragraph and make the second one your opening.

I wonder if you need so much backround information and definition in this essay; it reads much more like a definitive research paper than a common app essay. I'm not sure what your prompt was, but you might want to rethink your audience and how much of this technical information they really need. To make the essay more personable, expand upon your last paragraph; how the piece moves you and why it is important; that is what the meat of the essay should be about: you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Book Reports / What is Great Gatsby really about ? [4]

"Great Gatsby is written by F. Scott Fitzgerald is about money, precious moments of character's life which could be past as well as trouble in character's life.This is a run-on sentence. The major theme(This should be plural because you name two subjects here.) in the novel is betrayal and the American dream. Nick is the narrator of the novel. However, Nick and protagonist Jay Gatsby are very good friends. Nick cares about Jay Gatsby. He finds Jay the most worthy person and likes him. Why? Most likely, the story appealsThis doesn't fit; what do you mean here? Jay Gatsby and his love for the beautiful women(Daisy is singular; one woman.) Daisy who used to be his girlfriend when he was in army."

I hope this helps.
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / "I've been a musician for eight years.." - FSU admission essay [6]

"Of these words, Artes and Mores"Artes" and "Mores" seem to be the most prevalent in my life.

The word that appealed to me the most was Artes. I'veAvoid using contractions in formal academic writing. been a musician for eight years and I fully understand how much dedication to a skill pays off in the end. Music is definitely an aspect that takes perseverance to succeed in. (Removed-unnecessary statement.) When I first started playing piano in church when I was ten years old Ididn't have much of an idea of what I was doing. I remember sometimes as I played, looking out into the audience and seeing the look of disgust on my peer's and even some adult faces. Despite this, I still had my family to encourage me to continue on. So I did. For a time, I dedicated at least an hour everyday to playing piano. Now at the age of seventeen, I'm the lead musician at a church that has a band of six. I'm drum major of the high school marching band. I'm a piano teacher. I've won over ten competitions for piano. I also play tuba, saxophone, and guitar (I also have many achievements in these). Now I want to further my music knowledge and education through college.

In my opinion, Mores is the most important word of the three because without tradition or character nothing in the world would be worth the effort of pursuing. I am currently a senior at Palmetto Ridge High School. Most people would argue that there is no tradition at my school considering that is currently only five years old. I see this as being a heavier weight on the current students' shoulders. Since there is little tradition here, our class has to set the standards of character and traditions for generations to come. Our band is a perfect example of how this is being done. The band always receives superior ratings at every invitational they attend. This is the main goal of each individual band member. At the beginning of each year this same goal is passed down to the newcomers, who endeavor to pursue it more than the year before. This band has not only taught me music to a new extent but it has given me a different view of character. Being the drum major this year, I finally understand what it means to be an example. It has taught me leadership and discipline. It has taken my level of character to a new level, along with the help of my role models: my band director, my step-dad, and my mom. How have they influenced you?

This is why the meanings of these words are so essential to my life."

It wouldn't hurt to expand upon your conclusion a bit also; it is very abrupt as it is.
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Writing Feedback / The biggest change in my life - Narrative introduction help [5]

I learned a lot of things such as what financial security means, how to budget money, and that I absolutely hate moving.

The biggest change was going from my lazy, do-nothing lifestyle which I enjoyed so much, to working and going to college. We moved because we had no choice; the house had been foreclosed on."

This sounds like a good introduction for your paper. Keep up the good work.
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Undergraduate / Describe a setback that you have faced (brother) - essay [7]

beccaboo3290's tips are excellent! Good job guys!

The main thing about formality in academic writing is to stay away from contractions and don't use words that you are not 100% confident with; it's better to say what you want to plainly than to get all gnarled up in rhetoric that doesn't fit you or your voice.
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Writing Feedback / "The Great Gatsby is seen in two ways" - Help with Essay Writing - [10]

He reveals he has genuine romantic feelings for his mistress, but at the same time he is angry with the person who done this. But he knows it was Daisy; did she do it on purpose? Could this be a ruse to divert suspicion from the real perpetrator?

There are far better examples of how little attention Daisy pays her daughter than this one; how about when Nick first comes to see Daisy, and all of the women are dressed, lying about the sitting room?

Jay Gatsby had a dream when he returned from war. That was to win back Daisy. He held large glamourous parties at his home on West Egg. He also made sure that the house was facing the opposite of Tom and Daisy's house on East Egg. As well as gain wealth from illegal sources that would be considered corrupt.Why did he desire Daisy so? What was the attraction to her specifically? What did she symbolize to him after the war?

Making a short deft movement, Tom Buchanan broke her nose with his open hand." Why do they choose to fight here? Is it safer than West Egg?

West Egg is a place where all the inhabitants are all recently wealthy. What is the importance of this recentwealth?

These people can come off as disgusting because of the way they think of other people on the West Egg. Are East and West Egg direct mirrors of each other? What does this symbolize?

What is the motivation for these parties? Is it to have a good time? To connect with others? Or something deeper?
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Writing Feedback / Summary On Pain Meds - paper [2]

Good evening.

This looks like the start of a really great paper. You have solid information provided from reliable sources, your introduction is appropriate for your content, and your paragraphs are easily linked and transitioned. My only suggestion is not to overuse semi colons:

"An assessment finding that warrants withholding medications include head injury/brain tumor/ increased intracranial pressure; hepatic failure; renal insufficiency; liver dysfunction; convulsions; gall bladder disease; bowel obstruction; allergies to narcotic medication; asthma; alcohol use; epilepsy; urinary tract infection."

These should all be commas, or you could group them into three, each group of three can be divided by semi colons. For instance, "...renal insufficiency, liver dysfunction, convulsions; gall bladder disease, bowel obstruction, allergies to narcotic medication;..."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Writing Feedback / "The Voting Age" essay [4]

Good morning.

Grammatically and mechanically, the script looks clean. The conclusion is a bit abrupt though; it seems that Hoang is convinced a bit too easily. Perhaps instead of lengthening the piece, Hoang can add something to the end of his line indicating that he's not totally convinced just yet, or that he'll think about it. Just a thought.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay - Rich and poor children - school work [4]

Good morning.

You're welcome; good luck!

I think it's a great idea for international students to study English lit; not only will it help you with your language skills, it will help you understand the culture during various times in history.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Writing Feedback / Eng101 starting essay (personal narrative) [8]

Good morning.

How about starting off about brainstorming about the positive aspects of having a loving relationship?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 9, 2008
Poetry / Compare two poems: Love Poems from Spain vs Raven, Annabel Lee [3]

Good morning.

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited because your question refers to very specific source material out of my area of expertise that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit.
I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / "The Treble and the Bass" - No prompt, just me rambling [6]

I think it would be a good thing to hand in as an extra; I don't think it's appropriate for a main piece, but as a secondary section it does showcase your writing as well as your thoughts nicely.

It is also a window into your personality and the way you operate, and the admissions board would take that into consideration along with the rest of your application material and interviews.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Graduate / Capitalizing certain words in a graduate school essay [4]

Good evening.

Let's see; none of these should be capitalized because none of them are proper nouns, thus not needing capitalization.

You're very welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / My moral strength: parents and my Catholic education -FSU application essay [3]

Good evening.

This is an excellent essay. It answers the prompt, is organized, uses good transitions, and flows easily. You are concise and to the point without seeming abrupt, and your intro as well as your conclusion are very neat. Great job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / ARTISTIC TALENT; UCF- Unique characteristics and qualities [2]

Good evening.

The beginning is difficult because right now it is confusing; it does not match up with your conclusion. You start off discussing art but end up talking about your community involvement. You could maybe start off with something describing how your arts are not only aesthetic, but communal as well, thus tying both aspects together.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Graduate / Program of study essay - any general guidelines and structure? [8]

Good afternoon.

It sounds like the institution you are applying to is trying to see what your goals are for your education as well as your future in order to properly align you with an area of study that will benefit you the most. For instance, if you want to do environmental research, they want to make sure you get in a program that will be of the most use for you.

You need to discuss your research interest here. What do you want to research? Why? How do you intend on using your data? What are your plans in this field? All of these things are important to include in this type of essay.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / Describe a setback that you have faced (brother) - essay [7]

Good evening.

"It took me sixteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my brother has in my life. [...] That day I realized he would no more be a part of my everyday life, and that was insupportable. Nice opening.

Having used to open up only to my brother, I had no one to talk to after he left, and therefore I was feeling even lonelier.

A few months later I noticed that I was usually angry and stressful, and I realized it was due to my introversion. [...] but when it came to more important matters, I always discussed them with my parents. This is a great paragraph.

Great reasoning and analysis.This essay answers the prompt easily and is very fluid.
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Essays / African American Slave Trade [3]

Good afternoon.

Because this essay deals with specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to I will only be able to edit for grammar and mechanics. As research for this topic would fall out of the scope of my free services and I am not familiar with the content material you are using for this class, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services; you can also contact your instructor or fellow classmates, your academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can help you locate more appropriate research sources and material only available through your academic institution.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Grammar, Usage / Sentence Problem - it's a fragment, how to reword it? [9]

Without seeing the context these sentences are in, I'm not sure how much help I can be.

"1- The desire of all humankind to live in peace and freedom; f or example...
2-Although people want to believe that all men are created equal, ..."
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / "swimming season" - FSU vires and mores [4]

You could add a couple of lines regarding this to the middle of the essay, but I would not spend a great deal of time on it as the prompt really does not request it; I would stick more to interpreting their philosophies in regards to your life. There will be further opportunities throughout the application process to become more personalized in your responses.
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay on what you read (Plato, Machiavelli) [2]

Your conclusion should be a wrap-up of your essay. You could quickly rephrase each of these three philosophies and point out their failures, or do a quick explanation of why it is none/all/some of these work in the "real world".
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Writing Feedback / Ending Underage Drinking by Making It Legal. Should underage drinking laws be changed. [5]

Good afternoon.

As far as formatting and citing your paper, that is determined by the specific guidelines of your instructor along with the required citation style (determined by your instructor or institution). Ask your instructor as to how he/she would like the paper formatted, and they should be able to direct you to some information on the citation style as well.

"Ending Underage Drinking by Making It Legal

For teens, making the right decision over drinking responsibly versus drinking to get

drunk, has it's(Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing.) downfalls in many ways.

Why submerge the younger generation to an adult level that will be too much for them to handle?

Alcohol can be a deadly weapon if not used correctly, in moderation, and by those who are responsible

enough to know when they have reached their intake limit. What about the biological end of this? Is drinking at younger and younger ages harmful to a younger person's health?

There are strong believers that would like to see the age limit lowered despite it's many

dangerous values. The Amethyst Group, which supports informed and unimpeded

debate on the 21 year-old drinking age and which consists of chancellors, as well as college and university

presidents across the United States, have signed their names to a public

statement stating that despite the minimum legal drinking age of 21, there are a great number of

young people continuing to binge drink on many campuses.

The Amethyst group states that if people under 21 years old are deemed capable of

voting, paying taxes, signing contracts, enlisting in the military and serving on juries, why should

they be told that they are not mature enough to drink. The answer is simple, they are still

developing and growing from young human beings to adults. Children and teens need a solid

foundation from adults. They need stability, a place to call home, to be focused on their classwork , building friendships, and looking forward to their future instead of partying and drinking.

The Amethyst Initiative group is counting on elected officials to weigh all facts and

consequences of the current alcohol policies and urges officials to invite new ideas on how to

best prepare young adults to make responsible choices about alcohol use.

In reference to the Alcohol Policies Project, a public survey was conducted between

April and October 1997. The survey was funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and

prepared by the University of Minnesota Alcohol Epidemiology Program. This survey was

designed to measure the public's attitudes concerning the issues and policies surrounding youth

access to alcohol. The findings were astonishing. 80% of adults favor a law that sets the minimum

age to sell or serve alcoholic beverages at 21. The public concerns regarding traffic deaths was

polled at 92% of adults that have heard news that youth drivers are involved in traffic deaths.

79% of adults agree that advertisements for alcohol beverages should be restricted to make

drinking less appealing to kids. Advertisement for alcohol beverages increase how much people

drink and 58% of adults agree with this statement.
Lowering the minimum drinking age is definitely a bad idea. In 1984, Congress passed

the National Minimum Purchase Age Act, this act was passed to encourage each state to enact a

minimum legal purchase age of 21 by the year 1986. The results were very impressive with an

estimated 1,071 lives saved in 1987 alone. From 1975-1996, the estimated number of lives saved

increased to nearly 17,000. Additionally a 63% decline in alcohol-related crashes among youth

drivers since 1982was documented . The findings also show that while DUI arrests decreased so did youth

suicides, marijuana use, crime, and alcohol consumption.

The behavior of those 18 years old will have a negative effect on those younger than

them. The younger generation will typically imitate the practices of those who are slightly older

and will be more likely to drink. The earlier a person begins to use alcohol, the greater the risk of

substance abuse and brain damage. If the legal drinking age is lowered the level of

alcoholic dependency increases, as do traffic accidents, vandalism, and arrest rates.

I strongly oppose lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. I believe that by lowering

the drinking age, this will have more of a negative than positive effect on our youth and our

country. For instance, on a national average, someone is killed by a drunk driver every 40

minutes, should that rate be allowed to rise? In the United States the public spends an estimated

$114 billion dollars in alcohol related accidents and deaths. Teen drivers account for a high

percentage of alcohol-related crashes three in every ten Americans.

I believe that education is a key factor in keeping youth from becoming addicted to

alcohol and suffering from possible tragic effects by not being responsible. The AA (Alcoholics

Anonymous) organization and other organizations like it should be active participants in our school systems . When

someone sees or hears how alcohol has impacted, changed, or destroyed lives , this makes

people want to be different and to make a positive change in their lives. By bringing the truth to

the youths daily on how alcohol effects people, this may help to detour them from ever

using it."

Good job. Some corrections, but you've got a good argument. Make sure you cite all of the statistics in this essay to maintain its strength. Nice work.
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Essays / "Genetic influences" - i need help with my psychology essay [3]

Good morning.

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited because your question refers to very specific source material out of my area of expertise that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Essays / Visual Rhetoric Paper (colors in ads) [4]

Good morning.

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited because your question refers to very specific source material out of my area of expertise that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / "The Treble and the Bass" - No prompt, just me rambling [6]

Good morning.

I think the content is definately unique; it seems to be a good vehicle for you to express your thoughts. You draw some good parallels in the piece. Very nice.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Undergraduate / "I'm mentally ready" - FSU ESSAY HELP [4]

"I'm sitting down with my test in front of me, hands sweaty and heart beating faster than the speed of light; as I look next to me and see the answer sheet to my mid-term exam

Even though then I didn't(Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing.) know the words vires ...
Vires signifies strength of all kinds; moral, physical, and intellectual.

... who is a firm believer of karma, "W hat goes around, comes around" and one who abides by the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." These have been essential to my life. I can distinguish between right and wrong. (Removed-unnecessary.)

Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Someone once told me that character is how you act when no one is around. I cannot agree more. For instance, I never hesitate to help someone out, like give them money even if its my last(Think of something non-monetary for your example here; it will be more effective.) . I am a firm believer of God and the Lord Jesus Christ. I try my best to follow his words and lead other teens to the same path. I'm involved in First Priority ( a student led Christian group), to help strengthen my faith and character.

Whether its studying everyday or doing random acts of kindness. The values embodied in the concepts of vires and mores are reflected repeatedly throughout my life. By the way , I didn't cheat on that mid-term exam; I was mentally ready and it was against my ways."

Hope this helps.
EF_Team5   
Oct 8, 2008
Graduate / Museum Studies Admission Essay - Syracuse University [4]

Good morning.

I don't know if it "lacks personality" but it is "purely business." These prompts are designed not to really allow a lot of your personality to come through, they are more to find out what your academic and career goals are. I'm not sure what you mean by a "sense of academia," but I think your tone is appropriate.
EF_Team5   
Oct 7, 2008
Graduate / Purpose in undertaking graduate study in a particular program - grad essay [8]

Good afternoon.

After reading your essay, I wonder if you need so much background information; there is so much that it seems overwhelming, and it is difficult to link it to the prompt. The statement "My ultimate academic goal is to earn a PhD in International Education and XXX is my top choice to help me decide what branch of this field I will want to study more in depth. Career wise, I want to earn a position as a director or dean in a study abroad department of a university so I can implement programs and scholarships for students regardless of economic status" is the most poignant and "to the point" section of your whole essay; it is clear and concise, easy to link to the prompt, and generally effective. I suggest going back through the piece to take out large chunks that are not vital to the story and spend more time explaining your career goals and academic pursuits while on campus.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

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