Essays / Right sources for persuasive speech on impulsive buying [5]

Yes, it sounds like you are required to persuade people to adjust their personal policies about impulsive buying.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - Putting My Life Back on Track and Focusing my Ambition [4]

Hmmmm... the first sentence... is it okay to change it like this?
Following my parents' divorce and my father's subsequent homel essness, I found myself...

You write very well! How about looking into various schools of thought in psychology. This will be so much better if, at the end, you show that you already have begun to form your opinions about the best kinds of therapy -- cognitive, existential, psychoanalytic, behavioral, etc.

Undergraduate / An artist's hands - UC Essay [17]

This is some great interaction, here. I agree that "all these years" sounds icky. I rally appreciate comments like that, when you don't know quite how you want to explain the effect the writing is having on you, so you have to get creative.

:-)

Undergraduate / "To make others happy", have to shorten by 400 letters/characters. pennstate p.s [9]

On the first day I was ther e, I saw a bunch little kids running around ecstatically while I was waiting to be assigned to a group.

I go there every summer, now, to help them with various projects, ranging from arts and crafts, to cooking, to talent shows.

This looks great.

Undergraduate / Essay prompt 2# What is your intended major? [9]

Right on! :-)

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

Sometimes it seems like yelling if you write in all capital letters.

I want to become a psychologist, because I am so proud of my observant personality and ability to listen to stories and act like a therapist to those around me -- never classifying the process as a chore, but more like a gift. I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just as I have reconstructed my own after a trying experience. like what he had done to mine.

Undergraduate / "My father has shaped myself" - Describe the world you come from [9]

I have always believed that the behaviors and words of the people around a person make up the environment in which they live. in

These two quotes serve as the foundation of the world that have shaped my character.

Just a few rough parts, but your meaning is very clear. I only suggested new words as ideas for making it sound nice.

Essays / Marriage for love or money [4]

Your first para should end before this sentence:
During the middle ages...

In that first para, tell the reader what to expect in this essay:
This paper is intended to show that...

That way, the reader will not just be following you around. You will have set the reader in the right direction in that intro.

In para #2, tell them about the middle ages and other historical info. Then, you need a new para when you start this:
To many people, they may say that marriage nowadays is not the same as it was during the middle ages. ... Some say the reason involves financial security and tax purposes. Again that's for money, similar to the middle ages -- just not to the same extreme. I am not saying people do not get married because they want to spend every moment with this person. Sure , everyone wants ...

So my question was this: Does marrying for status and money still occur?

Undergraduate / Trinity's supplement , integrity contract [4]

Personal Integrity contracts refer to almost every aspect of human life, and things like honesty, responsibility, respect, love, might be intrinsically related. However, like a Chinese proverb indicated: "Man cannot survive without credit." Nothing other than my integrity contract could be as profound and broad compared with honesty, which is the fundamental criterion of humanity.

I love the story! It confused me at first, but then I understood. I think it is a great example. In the last paragraph, you have to answer the question: what is your personal integrity contract? You have you name some principles of integrity that you always follow, and call it, "my personal integrity contract."

Undergraduate / Which ideas are better for "Turning Point" Essay to win exchange program? [6]

The turning point is a day that changed your life. It is a day that made your life turn and go in a new direction. I think either essay can work for that, but you should use the words "turning point" in the essay to show that you are answering the prompt. You can describe a turning point on a day when you first began to really appreciate science.

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

Yes! I also had trouble logging out way back when I first started here. I think we are stuck with this format for now, but you are probably right.

Undergraduate / "the Youth Ministry" - Help with the ending of my UC Essay? [4]

I think its a great ending, but it could be more specific. It will be much more impressive if you name the specific roles you hope to play in the field.

Undergraduate / BU and Yale essay: 3 characteristics (assertiveness, creativeness, and charisma) [3]

I think you should write creativity instead of creativeness.

Deciding what to bring to college is, as a matter of fact, nothing of which I can be certain . No one, except Boston University itself, will define whether what I am bringing to the community is beneficial. But rather than decide if it is beneficial, if it is extravagant. what does that sentence mean?

Some people describe me as assertive, because I am committed to what I think, but I hope I also seem respectful of others' decisions and open to others' ideas. My assertiveness will attract other people's assertiveness and empower them to express their own ideas, which will cause an immense pot of ideas and better yet, bring out the leaders out of their interior.

Creativity is what keeps this world moving.

I like your personality!

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1: Your joy is my strength [2]

Having lived in Korea for sixteen years, I came to think of it as a harsh place to live in and to study for teenagers, because they have to carry tremendous amount of responsibilities and duties.

Two years ago, my family gave me an opportunity to change my life dramatically: moving to the United States. about two years ago.

She went to a top-ranked university and graduated school, bu t she had to give up her dream due to marriage. Thus, when my mother told me that she wanted to go to America with my sister to study the oriental medicine, we had to accept her decision, since she desired to heal ill people physically with acupuncture as well as mentally by psychology.

I saw my mother cure many patients, and those patients could enjoy better and healthier lives.

Your mother must be a very intelligent person! You are so lucky. It is nice that you are following her into the world of medicine; she and your father should be proud.

Undergraduate / Engineering and minor in Mathematics for Teaching - UC Personal Statement [3]

When you write, think of what purpose you want each sentence to serve. Your intro makes it sound like you are not too certain about your intended major. I think there's no need for an opening sentence that says you might be interested in a lot of other majors besides engineering. Instead, focus on how drien you are to succeed in this field.

That feeling of enjoyment and my desire of wanting to become like my father, who was an electrical engineer in the Philippines, solidified my choice. and the only thing I needed was identifying the exact area.

Computers were so magical when they first came out, and when I got my first (type of computer) in 5th grade, I was fascinated by its ability to do most of the things a human does.

Two to five years from now, I hope to work in a huge computer company and make a name for myself by succeeding in a variety of projects.

I like your last paragraph!

Undergraduate / Volunteering at the hospital program made me proud and led to the person that I am today. [9]

...another opportunity to extend my hand to the community and to add another dimension to my already multifaceted personality. more character in the diverse personality that I already have.

Maybe like that?

It will be better if you respond to both parts of their question in the first para. End the first para with a sentence about how it has affected the person you have become. At the end, maybe you can write something more confident and assertive than, Sometimes I wonder about the possibilities of becoming part of the medical field.... instead, maybe you should write that you fully intend to practice medicine in some form or another.

Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

Oh yeah.. they wrote, "There are many different ways..."

For sure, this "rule" is some kind of stylistic consideration that is not actually a rule. It's just something somebody said about good style, and I embraced it as a rule.

There are other fish in the sea.
Other fish are in the sea.

I don't know.. "There" gets a sentence off to a slow start, I think.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Being a 'quad-lingual'" - UC Prompt #2 [8]


Well... Natsuken contributed a perspective, and that is good. I don't think it was intended to be nasty. I do think it is very impressive for someone to be multi-lingual, but I also see the point being made. I think it is quite impressive to write a vocab diary and so forth, so I disagree with Natsuken's idea that it is not impressive, but it it still important for Natsuken to share the impression that the essay made on him.

So... this is great collaboration!

Undergraduate / My Indian Heritage; Rutgers / diversity (trip to india!) [3]

Even within the nation, the difference between the two societies was as pronounced that between Ireland and Omaha. ----> very interesting!! It is great when you tell the reader something interesting like this.

...and we spent those weeks being juggled among primarily Hindi-speaking relatives.

Here, my inability to speak Hindi with fluency proved to be...

Undergraduate / Common Appplication Experience Essay- The Red Ranger [4]

The first sentence is not quite right. "Articulate" means to explain, I think. You need the word "pronounced."

She had been expecting a girl.

"Well, if you don't want this name what will your name be?" asked dad.

Congratulations! You wrote an essay that is quite enjoyable to read! I think that is a big accomplishment with this kind of writing.

Undergraduate / I enjoyed figuring out how things work; Carnegie Mellon / Why choose CMU? [7]

Although I don't have an enormous amount of experience with some of the technical sides of computers, from what I have learned about them I find many aspects of them to be fascinating. That sentence does not really serve a purpose.

For example I am very interested in how computers produce...

Capitalize Internet.

I am not sure... I wonder what they consider a page to be. Maybe you should give a call to ask about formatting and word count, etc.

Undergraduate / my stay in africa and my dad. [14]

Mothers are leaving the house at 5AM to go the farm and make sure that their kids have at least one square meal. Fathers are going fishing and hunting to give their families a feast.

I saw people languishing in pain, no t certain if they will make it through the day. For example, people who were homeless and living on the street despite the harshness of the weather conditions .

Knowing what I wanted my career to be right from childhood made me want to come to the United States of America, where I felt that I was going to get a better education and more exposure in my field of study. if I came to the United States.

He always tells me: "Be your own person and not depend on anybody for anything".

I like this one much more, because it shows how driven you are to succeed, and it evokes real emotion. I hope you have lots of success!!

Undergraduate / A Touch of Tepper: CMU Supplement [3]

Yes, you seem way over a page, but the writing is so colorful and interesting! It's too bad you have to cut it down to size.

Check the verb tense:
Thus, I elected to bike ... and bag a...

Actually... above, your way is correct, too, but I think "bag" sounds better.

This is a cute story! Constantly, I found myself stopping on the sidewalk to calm swinging of the melons and prevent them from whacking the front wheel.

Wow, you have a great future as a writer. Your words are so interesting. For you, I recommend books by Ursula LeGuin. I like your style of writing.

Undergraduate / 'science and education major' - Bates Supplement 2009 [3]

You only need "have" once: The life experiences I have been given have created...

My experiences ... have developed...

Read this [en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alumnus]

The last 2 sentences are kind of bad. They're boring and vague; like you said, it needs to be more specific. I like the middle. I hope you can change the beginning and end so that they both put forth a distinguishable theme. What is your theme? What truth can you share about the way to contribute to vitality?

Research Papers / Formulating Hypothesis, research: anthropologist, a psychologist, a sociologist [2]

psychologist:

"Differently" is not as specific as it could be. Make a prediction. Are they, for example, less likely to correct a middle school child's mistakes at the computer than they are to correct the child's mistakes on paper?

anthropologist:

This verb tense is confusing: Families are considered to be well off today if they own ...

The statement is not concise or arguable. Obviously things change with time. What is your claim? You can argue something about how people's perceptions of social status are influenced by the kind of cable plan someone has.

Sociologist:

This one seems quite good! You can test is with a survey, and it is arguable because of other factors that could be involved. Good luck with this difficult assignment!

:-)

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement 2009 [2]

Throughout my high school experience I have learned to identify multiple approaches to problem-solving, both as a team member and as a leader.

At Marshwood High school the focus has always been on identifying ways of solving problems.----This makes me ask, "Whose focus?" Maybe you could revise this sentence to include the word "teachers" or "curriculum" or "classes."

When asked a question, the teachers never gave a straight answer, but instead asked questions that helped lead me to the answer myself.

I believe these experiences have provided me with the knowledge necessary for success at...

This is very nice, and you write clearly. I think you could improve it be using some of their terms in your discussion: high achievement & balance. If you incude those in your discussion, the essay will be rooted in the prompt question.

Writing Feedback / Skepticism in students' study---GRE ISSUE [2]

Doubts lead to experiments, and experiments lead to deeper understanding, to solution, it and in this way skepticism can make the learning process more retentive than direct acceptance of knowledge from teacher.

On the other hand, skepticism is not only a benefit to students, but it also contributes to t he improvement of quality of instruction. As we know, the college campus is a place where teachers and students get involved in a common pursuit for knowledge and truth. Thus, through the application of skepticism, which provokes questions a nd discussions and further learning, which solves questions, students but also and teachers ultimately can get ...

The value of skepticism is not limited to the understanding school courses. With regard to further study and career, it remains a key factor.

Thus, skepticism is inherent in every field of study.

Great thoughts, great reflection. Even though you have a few errors, the essay shows deep thinking and understanding.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt "My passion for film sound" [2]

Unnecessary footstep sounds are making the movie seem awkward. What am I supposed to do? I have to edit them, so that the scene of the movie looks much better.

Above, I don't think "edit" should be in ' ' marks, because it is just an ordinary word being used in an ordinary way. I got rid of the word "look," too, because sounds and "look" do not go together.

As you look back, you remember:
Looking back to high school in South Korea, I remember being attracted by sound recording after...

On September this year, my friend asked me to help out her friend's film.-----> This is unnecessarily complex. Just write: In September this year, my friend asked me to help edit the sound for a film that was being made.

This is a great essay! I don't see errors -- just little things I would like to improve, like this:
My heart still beats harder when I am working at the studio, and it has led me to be greedy for further study.

Graduate / SOP for Political Science PhD [3]

Okay, at the start you claim that you have something specific to contribute, and I get the impression that what you're referring to is an approach to pol. sci. that is guided by knowledge of systems theory and the history of the electoral system. I wish you would directly state this as your specific contribution somewhere in that first para. I hope to contribute enhanced perspective by...

This should be a semi-colon:
So, to fully understand the nature of a political system, we cannot just look at its current state of being; we must also understand...

This is excellent, right here: The problem is clear: political scientists fail to...

That is a great sentence, and it is a reason why many pol.sci. majors also study history. You are among many applicants who will combine these two subjects. I suggest sharpening this essay even more by discussing the roles you would like to play as a professional. The concepts in this essay are great, but they should be coupled with a description of your purpose that extends beyond college.

Undergraduate / Mrs. Josephine Ghissing!! common app essay [3]

Grades 8, 9, and 10 -- this is too much detail. Saying others called her Mrs. So-and-So while you called her "class teacher" does not really make sense, either...

I think the first para should be rewritten to focus on what was beautiful about her teaching style, etc, and the main theme of the essay.

Oh... this second paragraph would make a great start, though! The memories of my first days... So, I suggest chopping the whole first paragraph. :-) At the end of the new first paragraph, you should have this sentence: Yet, the unpredictability of...

So, I think you should get rid of para #1 and put para #2 together with that single-sentence third para.

Soon, my fear of ridicule was gone, and my hand flew up enthusiastically

The last paragraph is perfect -- very impressive and thoughtful.

Research Papers / Politics of black hair - research essay on a chosen topic [3]

About a year ago, as I was stepping out of the elevator with my four year-old, a girl about her age walked into it.

or...

About a year ago, as I was stepping out of the elevator with my four year-old, another girl about her age was stepping into it.

That is a tough sentence!

Whenever she sees ads in the media depicting long, straight hair, she is reminded of her desire to have the ideal , and those five little words follow, with excitement: 'mommy, I want that hair!'

...their natural African American hair.

This is a powerful, very well-written essay. I enjoyed your discussion, and the only thing I would change would be the mention of "white supremacists." The notions of patriarchy and white supremacy are getting a little confused; it seems that "white supremacist" is not the best term to use, because it it not necessarily true that anyone advertising hair products is indeed suffering from a delusion of supremacy. Rather, this phenomenon may just result from the weight of the majority being thrown around as ads are directed to the majority and ideals of beauty are shaped in a disproportionate way. This might be better if it does not accuse anyone of being a white supremacist. I hope I explained that successfully... not sure if I am making sense...

:-)

Book Reports / A Comparative Analysis of the Odyssey and the Metamorphoses [2]

Here is a way to make this sentence more manageable in the last paragraph: The concept of foolishness is explored in Homer's interpretation of the story of Circe in his epic Odyssey. Ovid's in his Metamorphoses, on the other hand, focuses on the idea of change, just like the rest of his work.

I hope this was received well. I regret that you did not get feedback in time for the deadline! Your thesis statement if very clear, though, and you write without errors. I expect that this essay probably scored a B+. The composition is clear, with solid intro and conclusions, but the analysis is not as deep as it could be. Your supporting paragraphs are appropriate, but in addition to giving the info that supports the argument you could have looked at the implications of what you observed, other possible interpretations, and so forth. This definitely is a solid essay, though, and you should be proud of your skill in composition.

Thus, the ways in which the two tales are told, though similar, provide different takes on the same situation, enabling the audience to more fully comprehend the respective intentions of both poets.

Undergraduate / "not prepared to return to suburbia" - Significant Challenge [2]

A sheet of paper lay within the grasp of my fingertips.

This, below, is a great sentence, but I'll add a comma:
With each elapsing day at the conference, I became more excited about what the next one had in store for me, a nd my fears gradually dwindled.

You write so well! This really needs an introduction, though. You can turn the first para into an intro by changing the last sentence or two to make them capture the meaning of this challenge. Let the last sentence of the first para refer to a theme, a truth.

Then, discuss that same truth in the last para. Supporting an essay with thesis and conclusion... it is like putting a picture in a frame.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: "My past and my present are the key to my future." [11]

It has to be a comma, not a semicolon. ---> My past has decided my present, and it will influence my future...

For info about that, see this other thread: https://essayforum.com/writing-3/multi-language-clash-synthesis-10625/

Writing Feedback / Multi-Language Clash Synthesis essay [6]


Well... in order to see how it actually is an independent clause, think of this sentence:

However, Rodriguez slept not.

That is not the way I normally talk, ha ha, but it demonstrates the loose way "not" can be used. In school, I learned that a complete sentence requires a subject and a predicate. However, Rodriguez did not.

:-)

A sentence can even just be: Rodriguez did.

That is complete, too.

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Well, I did notice that you did not use the impact words -- the words that the prof used.

In hypnosis, the therapist notices words that the client tends to use, and s/he uses them while inducing hypnosis. In class, you do smething similar, only it is to show the prof he is being taken seriously! Use those important words I mentioned, and make sure your thesis statement can be refined to a single sentence.

In this essay, it sort of looks like your first sentence in the essay was the theses statement.

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors College - significant risk you have taken or ethical dilemma [6]

She was in the 8th grade, and was a year older than I was at the time. As an eighth grade student she was a year older than me.

I had protected my friend because I felt that he, in turn, would do the same for me.

Well, it is very well written; it shows your great writing ability with complex sentences and tense changes. The story itself is rather simplistic and common. I would like it if you could think of a similar situation to compare it with, compounding the complexity and meaning. If you can add more substance, but keep the philosophical reflection, it might get even better.

Undergraduate / 'the first in my family' - Why Ohio State University Essay? [5]

With Living in Columbus my entire life, I grew up hearing all the great things about the university -- praise for their sports programs, academic programs, and all the opportunities they offer.

I think you should begin with a bold statement about your passion for mechanical engineering, and then discuss your various options. What schools did you consider, and how did you settle on this school? What are your personal goals for the time you will be learning there? Let them know that you have a clear plan for the future -- at this university, and also as a professional.

Show details and clarity in your thinking.

Graduate / I am applying on the suggestion of Professor - review my SoP for PhD in Finance [2]

Well, your mention of talking with a professor at the school sure would get the attention of an admissions person I think. However, people often use a good "narrative hook" or "attention grabber" or whatever you want to cal it -- right at the start of the essay.

One that I saw in these forums started like this:
"Will you please sit still?" I adjusted my camera and...

I thought that was interesting. It made me want to sit still!

Look at other essays here for ideas, and please give people feedback to help them. Try the "Unanswered" function.

Undergraduate / Common App. Short Essay for Activitity Cross Country [3]

I struggled with running for four miles every day, including hills, and lifting weights e very once a while.

Vigorous is not a god word to describe a tree.

Soft breezes and vigorous a corridor of tr ees acompanied me continuously and cheered me up.