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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
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Posts: 1583  
From: USA

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EF_Team5   
Oct 5, 2008
Undergraduate / Personal Statement- (Victoria Junior College). [5]

Good morning.

I suggest creating a rough draft first by just answering the questions. Think about the first one; choose one of those qualities and how you could best illustrate it. How are you a better person because of it? Would you be where you are now had it not happened? Then move on to the second question; why do you want to go to this specific institution?

Once you have the questions more or less answered, you can then move on to fine tuning the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 5, 2008
Undergraduate / outside of the bubble that I live,good choice of topic and first paragraph? [2]

Good morning.

I think this is a very good topic choice and your introductory paragraph lays the groundwork for a good essay. This sounds like it would be a very life-changing experience for anyone, especially someone as sheltered as it sounds like you have been, thus answering the prompt very well.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 4, 2008
Essays / International Relations essay introduction [5]

Good afternoon.

I find that the complete sentence strategy works well with essays such as this one. For instance, "International relations have been changed by the events of 11 September, 2001 because they never had a solid theory." You could then continue on to expand upon your thesis a bit before delving into the content of your piece.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 4, 2008
Essays / Expierence that caused you to learn something - Narrowing to a topic [4]

Good afternoon.

I think the only way to choose this topic is to think about the prompt. Unfortunately, I do not know you, so I will not be able to help you choose a time in your life that would apply to answer this question.

I suggest thinking about the times in your life that have had the most impact on you. How have they changed your life for the better or worse? What have you learned from the event? Do you live your life differently after the occasion? What was it that you learned?

I wish you the best of luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 4, 2008
Writing Feedback / "Designing a hero" - essay about Linda Segers, "Creating the Myth" [2]

Good afternoon.

Because this essay deals with specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to I will only be able to edit for grammar and mechanics. As research for this topic would fall out of the scope of my free services, I am not familiar with either of the texts you are using for this class, so if you need further assistance with the content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services:

"Designing A Hero"

According to Linda Seger, author of "Creating the Myth," "S uch stories are based on our own life experiences; they deal with the basic journey we take in life" (317).

... to achieve similar goals, allowing us to identify with them.

... The Matrix is a remarkable example of how these stages are applied. The Matrix undeniably follows the ten stages of creating a myth.

In addition to a few twists, The Matrix adheres to the first two stages of the hero myth: the introduction and the catalyst. Seger tells us that, "T he hero is generally introduced as a non-hero," living an ordinary life, "innocent, simple and in search of some fun" (318). In The Matrix, Thomas Anderson is introduced sleeping at his desk in the midst of clutter. He is a computer program writer who is bored and clearly living a mundane life. But here is the twist: Thomas Anderson leads a secret life as "Neo," an outlaw computer hacker... far from innocent or mundane! Indeed he is searching for something, hence the computer hacking, but he is not sure of what it is. The introduction of the hero in The Matrix successfully captures the attention of the audience by presenting a character we can identify with. It also blends smoothly into the second stage of the hero myth: the catalyst . This is, "the call to adventure;" it is "the ingredient that pushes the hero into extraordinary adventure" (319). In this case, Neo is awakened by mysterious text appearing on his computer, reading... "The Matrix has you... Follow the white rabbit." He is now confused, curious, and not sure ifhe is awake or dreaming. "Knock-Knock" then appears in text on his computer screen. Just ashe is reading this cryptic message, he hears a knock at the door. It is Troy and his buddies. He has come for an illegal disc of some sort. After retrieving the disc, he notices that Neo's looking a little pasty and tells him it looks like he needs to "unwind." He invites Neo to come along with them to a party. Still startled and unsure of what he's read;he's reluctant, until he sees a tattoo of a white rabbit on one of the girls' shoulders. He then agrees to go. This is the catalyst that Seger claims to "S et the story into motion" (316). Although Neo is reluctant and unsure of what's to come, he is nonetheless eager to find out what the Matrix is. The Matrix has successfully introduced a catalyst that summons the hero into adventure. (You really need to watch your erratic use of commas and semi colons; there are many so far that make your sentences nonsensical. Perhaps a quick refresher on comma and semi colon use would be beneficial. Also, using contractions in formal academic writing is inappropriate, and many instructors will count off for it, so make sure you are not using contractions in your formal works.)

Seger contends that the third stage of the hero myth is when "H e/she shows reluctance," unsure of the task athand and "A fraid of the unknown" (319). With some additions, The Matrix without question follows this pattern. In fact, Neo's reluctance carries on throughout the movie. For example, when Neo arrives at the party, he's immediately greeted by an exotic woman, calling herself, "Trinity." She approaches Neo by telling him he's in danger. She tells him, "I brought you here to warn you." He is reluctant to believe her until she tells him she knows why he is here...to find the answer to the question: "What is the Matrix?" She tells him, "H e's looking for you, and he will find you if you want him to." Although still reluctant, Neo is now what Seger describes as "P ersonally motivated to enter into adventure" (319). Neo is a classic example of a reluctant hero that needs an additional catalyst before taking the plunge into adventure.

Seger claims that in "A ny journey, the hero usually receives help... from unusual sources... like a wizard, an old woman, or a wise old man..." (319,323). The Matrix complies with this stage perfectly. Thomas Anderson is at his boring desk job, when a phone is delivered to him in a package. Predictably, it rings; it's Morpheus, the archetypal character Seger describes as the "U nusual source,"... "W ise...with superior knowledge" (319, 323). He tells him, "Y ou're in danger; they're coming for you and I don't know what they're going to do." Neo is disinclined until Morpheus points out the "MIB"(What is this?) looking characters, called "Agents," or "S entient programs," clearly coming toward Neo. He is beginning to believe the certainty of Trinity and Morpheus' claims; indeed, he is in danger. He follows the orders of Morpheus, until he reaches a point where he becomes apprehensive and feels he can't go on. Neo caves(What does this mean?) , which leads to his capture. After a bizarre interrogation with "Agent Smith" in which Neo is

"bugged," he is shown in his bed waking up from a seeming nightmare. He receives another call from Morpheus telling him he's the "one." Neo, now burning with curiosity, is finally becoming "Receptive to receive what this person has to give" (319). Morpheus tells him what to do next, and he willingly abides. He is lead to Trinity and "Switch," who remove the bug from Neo. He is then taken to Morpheus, where the start of his transformation begins.

Neo has succumbed to resistance, and is ready to enter into "T he world where he will change from the ordinary into the extraordinary" (320). (If these quotes are not the beginning of their sentences in the original text you have taken them from, they need to have leading periods. For instance, if the sentence in the original work reads, "The red dog is very excited" and you only wnat to use part of the original text your quote should be formatted "...very excited." If the quotes are the beginnings of their own sentences, "The red dog is...excited" your quote of them in your work needs to begin with a capital letter.) This is what Seger describes as the first turning point toward thehero's transformation (320). The Matrix lends an outstanding demonstration of this stage. In the meeting with Morpheus, Neo takes an offered red pill that will reveal the Matrix. Morpheus promises that it will show Neo "H ow far the rabbit hole will go," referencing "Alice in Wonderland,"(How should this be formatted?) but warns him that there's no turning back! This is where a plan of action is developed for the hero. He must prepare for approaching obstacles, in order to achieve his goal (320). Neo is hooked up to a computer which will prepare him to see the "real world" unplugged from the Matrix. He begins to slip away, and suddenly wakes up naked in a pod of goop, surrounded by thousands of other pods. He has tubes attached all over his body and is hairless from head to toe. This resembles a re-birth; reinforcing Seger's ideas of the hero's transformation. Neo is then released and taken aboard the "Nebuchadnezzer," where he learns that the M atrix (You have been capitalizing this from the start of your essay; why not now?) is the "W orld that has been pulled over his eyes":(Is this a word-for-word quote from the movie?) it is a dreamland that doesn't exist. Morpheus and his crew must now re-build Neo's body to prepare him for the war against the agents. After Neo's body is restored, he's put through a series of combat training including a sparring match with Morpheus and a jump between two skyscrapers. The crew feels that Neo, the chosen one, is ready to fulfill his quest; to save mankind and to free the minds of those who are still connected to the Matrix.

In order to fulfill his quest, Neo must overcome tests and obstacles. Seger tells us that "T his often means outwitting the Devil...or confronting evil." He must conquer his nemesis and overcome anything in the way of accomplishing his goal (320). Neo is still unsure of his powers and reluctant to believe he's the "one," but Morpheus' blind faith in Neo is so profound that his encouragement convinces Neo to

Carry on with the intense quest to "free mankind ." He is faced with a series of challenges, from dodging bullets by agents atop a skyscraper, saving Morpheus from captivity, overcoming the deception of one of his own, to a meeting with the "Oracle," or the "intuitive mother figure" (323) who indirectly tells Neo that he's not the "one." After saving Morpheus and Trinity from certain death, Neo is beginning to believe in himself. He is starting to see his supernatural abilities and begins to fight harder to fulfill his journey(Do you mean "fulfill his destiny"?) . The action and excitement at this stage in the movie are captivating enough to stand alone, but the addition of archetypes like the oracle, the obligatory rooftop battle, and many others,(This is inappropriate; if you are going to mention them, do so; don't lead your readers on and then not completely fulfill your examples.) allow the audience to "connect with the hero's journey...deepening the story beyond the ordinary action-adventure" (324).

The Matrix conforms to the final stages of the hero myth flawlessly. There is one last brawl between Neo and Agent Smith before leading to the Hero's "rockbottom," t he "P oint when the worst is confronted" (320). Neo puts up an impressive fight against Agent Smith where he narrowly escapes to the ringing telephone, his lifeline back to the real world. Just as he locates the phone, he is confronted by Agent Smith where he is sprayed with bullets to the chest, ultimately killing him. Back aboard the Nebuchadnezzer, Trinity sees that Neo has flat-lined. She finally brings herself to tell him what the Oracle had prophesized; that her one true love would be the chosen "one." She proceeds to profess her love for him, and then kisses him. Miraculously, Neo's heart begins to beat again. Meanwhile, back in the Matrix, Neo rises to face the evil Agents. They start firing bullets at him again. Neo experiences an epiphany where he believes he is in fact, the " one." He holds his hand up and stops the bullets in mid-flight. The Agents, now in disbelief, are persistent in stopping Neo. This is the climactic moment where Seger tells us the "H ero seizes the sword." He is "in charge" of the situation (320). Following this stage impeccably, there is a final martial arts showdown between Agent Smith and Neo, where Neo finally assumes his powers as the "one," and effortlessly destroys the sentient programs. Neo still has to make it back to the ship in time to rescue his crew from the "Sentinel" machines who will soon destroy the Nebuchadnezzar and the crew. This is what Seger calls the "Road back," ... "the final obstacle to over come before really being safe" (320). Although short, The Matrix follows this stage perfectly. Neo makes it back to the real world just in time for the electro -magnetic pulse machine to destroy the sentinels.

Now we are at the final stage of the hero myth: "t he transformation." This is where the entire journey of the hero comes full circle. We can see the hero's "resurrection into a new type of life" (321). Neo is shown back in the Matrix making a phone call to what seems to be the sentient programs stating, he is going to "show the world how it's going to be without them." He is transformed into the almighty "one" who will use his powers to free the minds of all those who are still imprisoned by the Matrix. We saw Neo as an ordinary person in the beginning; he was reluctant and unsure of himself throughout the movie. In the end we see him as a confident hero who defeated the Agents, saved his friends, and ultimately, saved the world. The Matrix exhibits a clear transformation in its hero.

The Matrix has turned what could have been an ordinary hero adventure into an extraordinary hero myth. It has made clear Neo's "journey toward heroism" by adhering to the ten stages of creating a myth. The fact that The Matrix is, in large part, unrealistic(Is what? What does this fact prove? Please finish this thought.)Its use of familiar archetypes allow us to make an intimate connection with the characters. It also makes references to classic myth stories we grew up loving, trusting, and believing in, further strengthening the film. Until now, I never understood why I got so emotionally involved in these types of movies. Next time you watch one these movies, try to observe how the screenwriter follows the stages of the myth, and what he does to trigger emotions that allow you to connect with the story. You will be amazed at the discovery of what makes you tick.
EF_Team5   
Oct 4, 2008
Undergraduate / Boston University Essay - I have always dreamed abou this school [2]

Good afternoon.

Please see my grammatical and mechanical comments on the Carnegie Mellon essay, because the same issues appear in this essay, since it is in essence the same piece with different school names.

I do have one separate comment on this one:

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "T o know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded." Make sure that you put a space between this quotation mark and the beginning of the next word.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 4, 2008
Undergraduate / Top Rank, Medicine, Infrastructure; why I have chosen Carnegie Mellon? [2]

This reads like a one-page ad for the university. While singing the praises of your school of choice is not inappropriate, not addressing the aspects of the prompt is. The prompt you included with this post states, "...explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to." This is basically the main content requirement for the essay and you have essentially ignored it in this piece.

I suggest rewriting it discussing the major you are interested in, why you want to be in that specific program, and your aspirations, just as the essay has prompted you to. I am afraid that the board wouldn't give much credit to this kind of answer to this prompt as it is.
EF_Team5   
Oct 3, 2008
Faq, Help / My essay needs editing - do you provide such help for this work too? [21]

Good afternoon.

When you have completed the work entirely, you may post it on this website, with your works cited or bibliography page, and I will be able help you with general editing and proofreading. That is exactly what we're here for!

You probably do not need to upload any other information, just the essay and the works cited page should be sufficient.
I hope to hear from you soon!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.om
EF_Team5   
Oct 3, 2008
Letters / Rogerian Essay: A Letter to My Parents [3]

Good morning.

What is the prompt or assignment requirements for this essay?

Thanks.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 3, 2008
Essays / The effect of technology on our generation - Help on a cause/effect essay. [5]

Good morning.

My free assistance here will be very limited, as your question refers to very specific source material that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support. Alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 3, 2008
Essays / Global Warming research paper- what kind disasters do global warning cause? [11]

Good morning.

In this kind of course specific issue, my free assistance is very limited, as your question refers to very specific source material that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support. Alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment. I also suggest you familiarize yourself with current publications out there on this topic in order to formulate your questions. You can enter your question, "What kinds of natural disasters do global warning cause?" into your internet search engine and see what it brings up.

Once you have the assignment completed, I can help you edit for grammar and mechanics.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 3, 2008
Graduate / Arts Management Essays [2]

Good morning.

I suggest that you highlight your strengths. Open the essay letting your reader know that even though you do not have a background in arts management but that you do have a great deal of management experience, have a love for the arts, and a degree in the arts. Then go on and give a fair amount of details as to how these qualifications are sufficient "in liu" of the traditional background. The most important thing here is to stay organized and make sure you discuss the experiences that are vital to showing you are still qualified enough to enroll.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 2, 2008
Writing Feedback / "Teen Gangs: The World of Canadian Street Gangs" --- Does it flow? [4]

Good evening.

If one of them fails, one outcome is the growth in the rate of youth turning to street gangs.

These organized groups of young adults form these groups for the purpose of intimidation and violence upon others in order to gain power and recognition from individuals(What kinds of individuals? Respectable businesspeople?) . Some youth turn to gangs because of their desire for money, power, and respect, while others are in it to make a profit by selling weapons, drugs, and alcohol.

A short life is only expected for those in gangs as they are either prosecuted, seriously injured, or more likely, murdered."

This piece seems to flow well in and of itself. You move fluidly from point to point briefly, and it seems as it would either be a good introduction or a smooth conclusion.
EF_Team5   
Oct 2, 2008
Essays / UCF App. Essays - two separate statements on two topics? [3]

Good evening.

It sounds to me like you are asked to create two essays, but the combined number of words for both of them counted together as one piece be no more than 500 words or 7000 characters. For example, the first prompt you choose you will answer with a 250 word essay and the second prompt you choose you will answer with another 250 word essay. Depending on the prompts, they may be two totally different subjects, so you wouldn't want to link them together, rather writing them as separate pieces sharing the same overall word count.

I hope this helps clear things up a bit!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 2, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Writing - local baseball field crew membership [2]

I think this is a very honest and honorable essay. You describe what you have done and how you did it responsibly; you present a very wholesome image and a very flattering essay. Nice work.
EF_Team5   
Oct 2, 2008
Undergraduate / The World I Come From - College required essay [3]

It is where discovery and logic are tools waged to create understanding. I reside at the nexus of these two intersecting planes. Good description.

This is a slow, gorgeous, green world.

Here, one finds families and friends and mountain music resounding from rusty trucks.

Like I said, these are remarkable kids, and I see my main purpose as to make sure everyone knows just how remarkable every person standing around them is. It would be the greatest shame for one of them to go home thinking they did not belong in that church basement.(You could probably remove this part and get nearer your word count without hurting the overall essay.)

This was my first exposure to people who can converse to a crescendo and never cease to be interesting. The next was the Ross Program, which was my first real experience of working with mathematical ideas by myself.

Great job. I think you answered the prompt easily and efficiently. The essay flows well and has good transitions.
EF_Team5   
Oct 2, 2008
Undergraduate / "I have never had a musical bone in my body" - common app essay [6]

You are right, and while "I" did not write the paper, "I" do not know what the prompt/requirements were, so I cannot agree or disagree with your opinion. There are situations where this response would be appropriate and times when it would not be, but if it were an admissions paper (as you insist), unless it were a religious school, their personal opinions about the subject matter should not (in theory) play into the admissions process.
EF_Team5   
Oct 2, 2008
Undergraduate / Nameless Girl - An essay about someone who has made an impact on... [12]

Could be, but if one is not familiar with all of the common app prompts from every institution, it would be impossible to successfully assume that and be correct. We get essays from students all over the world for institutions from all over the world for various classes ranging from high school to doctorate programs all over the world.

Hence the need to post the prompt as well. :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Undergraduate / "the horrible quasi-suicide incident"; /Common App [2]

Excellent essay. Grammatically and mechanically pretty clean, and your point is very poignantly made. It flows well, is organized, and you use transitions successfully. One bit of advice though; talk to Henry, you'd be surprised.
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Nameless Girl - An essay about someone who has made an impact on... [12]

Good afternoon.

I was not under the impression that the piece was an admissions essay but rather an assignment for a creative writing class. This is a perfect instance of why it is vital when posting here to include the prompt and assignment requirements.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Undergraduate / "I am unique" - UCF admission; UCF community [3]

erotondo09 has a good point; you could leave the sentence as "I will do everything in my pwoer to prosper and become a contributing part of the UCF community" and be just fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Essays / Help with my thesis on link between obesity and suicide [4]

Good afternoon.

I suggest begginning the writing process with an outline. Jot down all of the main topics you definately want to discuss. Once you know what you want to talk about, think of and jot down one example or important fact about each of the points. This will be the skepeton of your essay. Once you have the outline complete, you can worry about writing a rough draft, and a conclusion and introduction once that is done.

When you get your rough draft done you can post it here and I can help you edit it and organize the intro and conclusion.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / Choices that define us and Haunt Us Essay [2]

Good morning.

The second essay is better constructed and more organized, so I have edited it here:

Afterwards, the next necessary step is finishing the Computer ScienceShouldn't be capitalized. program because the degree granted after finishing it is required for most programming jobs.

In his essay "Haunted by L ives U nlived" (Remove comma) Helwig wrote, "At every point where a choice is made, another choice is not." Citation needed. In my life, the choice I didn't make when I chose to pursue a career as a computer programmer was choosing not to continue pursuing a career as a professional poker player.

Depending on the formality requirements of the essay, you should consider revising the contractions and removing them. If this is a very formal essay, remove them and instead use the full words. If not, you might be OK.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Helping people is my passion ; NEOUCOM - what would you contribute? [5]

Calend4r, I believe that first paragraph is just a note to potential readers here on the forum expressing a little frustration, not a paragraph included in the actual essay :)

Your conclusion is a little abrupt; find a way to soften it a bit. Other than that, the content is good and you have a great start.
EF_Team5   
Oct 1, 2008
Writing Feedback / Writing an essay about essay - Revising [2]

Good morning.

Since the prompt for this assignment was not posted, I can edit for grammar and mechanics only. Within those boundaries, the essay is clean and I have no suggestions. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Writing Feedback / Four ways to control stress, take up a hobbies, exercise regularly, set realistic goals, etc. [2]

Controlling Stress

In other words, having fun with family and friends ...If this is the conclusion to the paper, it needs to include all of the four topics you discussed, not just the last one.

This essay is a bit long and it seems much like a list of suggestions. You could improve upon it by including some research. For example, what studies show that elderly people walk in the morning, or what research shows that people are happier when they exercise? Some support to your assertions would help the essay a lot.
EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma, risk, achievement - common apps personal essay [7]

Good afternoon.

The common app is a very broad first impression. This essay is not the appropriate place to go into a long drawn out story; the admissions board wants to just see a very broad glimpse at how you respond to a prompt that does provoke an extensive response. This will show them your ability to "boil" things down to their main points, a valuable tool later on in your college career.

I suggest starting over with just the bare facts of the experience; don't include too much background on it, just start with the basics and then add in enough detail to make the work flow and make sense. Once you have the facts about the experience you can build a little from there, but not too much. A 500 word common app (if the requirements allow this) is a good length. In this case you don't want to leave large chunks out so that your audience is lost, but you don't want to add too much detail so that they get lost in the little things.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

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