Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

I mean to say that calling for love is a must. At the same time, it is not an easy task, because it requires the combination of all the essential elements: Learning, arts, literature, and religion.

That is clearest, I think. And about the material above, it is all good English. Good, meaningful prose, too!

Writing Feedback / Spend more time working hard on jobs or stay with families? [10]

When family is in conflict with working， which one will you will pay more attention to and spend more time on?

...the more harmonious the relationships among family members will be .

The importance of the family to humans ...

NUMBER AGREEMENT:
young people are longing for the lead positions in their companies, such as...

virtues that come with people paying more attention to their careers , I feel that the merits..

But "number agreement" is a mistake everyone makes, even people who grew up speaking English. Now your English is a lot better!!!

Book Reports / help on thesis statement: Thousand splendid suns [6]

That is some great advice. In the opening paragraph, I always try to grab the attention with an interesting idea related to the thesis statement. Then, I'd say something about the novel. I would elaborate, and at the end of that first para I would give a thesis statement similar to the one Eric gave.

Good luck!

Graduate / Statement of Academic Objectives (graduate program in taxation) [6]

As an intern, I completed various projects, ranging from reconciling accounts to preparing federal and state tax returns.I made the first two sentences into one stronger sentence, also it seems to flow better.

This experience played a key role in my decision to pursue a career in taxes and to complete a graduate program in taxation.

Tax preparation was appealing to me because it was very challenging and rewarding.

Challenging, because it tested my ability to make well supported decisions.

Rewarding, because the decisions I made quickly translated into financial consequences.
I found very rewarding , that there were always things to learn in taxes .

This is one of the main reasons why I chose to become a tax professional.

My interest was further [. . .] job security when making a career choice.
This is great![/b]

Attending a graduate program in taxation will smoothen ...[b]I'm not sure if this is a word.

Aside from these few minor changes, you are a great writer!

Writing Feedback / Under the Age of Eighteen and in the Military: Evaluation Essay [4]

Does this mean that just because the parent consents to allow their son or daughter to enter into the military that it will make them just as good as or better than someone a year older will?

This sentence (above) needs to be revised for clarity.

Age is not a requirement to have a concealed weapons permit as long as you are on active duty , while others that are not, have to wait until the age of twenty-one.

Additionally, in most states you have to be at least eighteen to be served alcohol.

Gladly, There is no law stating a clause to have a lower age to buy and consume alcohol for active duty military.

Personally, this pursues down the avenue of bringing maturity with age.
also needs to be redone. (above)

Rightfully so and viewing the issue from the outside ...needs more to become a complete sentence.

It not only helps the parents protect their children leaving home to join the military prematurely , but also protects the child from making a decision that they did not think through and may regret for the rest of their lives .

As this country has a strong and powerful military that stands at the forefront of everyone's future of freedom and while entering into the military is a huge decision that everyone faces in one way or another, making that decision at the age of seventeen makes it more complicated.

Here are a few fixes, aside from what Tyler said. Your essay has some very good points! At seventeen, you can't even vote!

:)

Undergraduate / 'It is something extra' - Personal Statement (the European Business School London) [9]

Confronted with a myriad of schools from which to choose, I knew specifically what I wanted I was in search of something extra -- an institution that would give me more than just a mediocre overview of International Event management. Ambivalence was not appropriate for this major turning point in my life.

Some of the material from the first part of the third paragraph should probably be cut. What you did as a little child is not as impressive as what you have done more recently. This is all very good, impressive writing! You do a good job of focusing on the school and on your specific plan.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement with 3 points (global warming) [15]

You are right that "emissions" is one thing, but the sources of emissions are more than three.

You can include emissions from automobiles, air travel, and "other" (locomotives, heavy equipment, etc.
So, maybe those can be the three for your intro paragraph.

Then, you can spend one paragraph on each.

Good luck!!

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]


In "these hard economic times" is a cliche, and seems like a bad thing to mention. It is better to just say:

Without the financial assistance for living expenses,tuition, and other expenses, I will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times . I'm very enthusiastic about continuing my studies in biomedical technology...

You shouldn't capitalize "Son," or they'll think you don't know that it is not a proper noun. Especially if you do it more than once.

About that part in bold, I think that it is good that you tell them you want to enter this field because of your passion related to mother's disease. It is not necessary to EXPLAIN the field, but it is good to write in a way that shows that you know a lot about it -- because that shows how serious and single-minded you are.

Speeches / talk about someone in your family who you admire [8]

From my perspective, it seems that these people are essential for us, as they provide us with reference points to use as we make our decisions we have somebody to mirror ourselves .

My grandfather , his mother, and his brothers used to lived happily until the day his dad was murdered.

For your first paragraph, you should use a very interesting sentence to start, to get the reader's attention. Then, explain your main point. Why was your grandfather the person you chose, even though some other people might have similar qualities?

Make that first paragraph longer...

Then, in the conclusion, you don't really say anything new, here. You just repeat that he is the person you admire. Can you say something philosophical at the end?

Graduate / Personal Statement for studying PhD in Chemical Engineering [4]

There is still much to be discovered in this field; benefits and...

It was this interest that first brought me to study chemical engineering with a particular focus on the oil industry's processes of design and simulation.

I was responsible for developing and evaluating ..

...software, and it was a challenging ...

This is very impressive! When they read this, they will know how serious and knowledgeable you are. I think it would be good to say a bit more about why this school to which you are applying is going to be an important part of your process -- why it is important for you to attend this particular school.

Essays / "Ambition" essay - how to start it? [14]

I'm a very ambitious student...

I'm ambitious about...

I don't know if "ambitious to..." seems quite right.

I'm eager to learn. I'm ambitious about learning. That is how to do it.

Book Reports / "Everyday Use" by Alice Walker critic my literary analysis essay [4]

Awesome, Ned. We're lucky to have you.

Alice Walker writes the short story "Everyday Use" relates walker's story of herself as a little girl that was shot in the eye by a BB gun -- similar to Maggie who was burnt in the house fire.

Oh, I did not notice that Ned already fixed that one. Now you have two ideas. He is probably right to split it into 2 sentences.

Being Muslim, they do not eat pork, whereas when Dee is eating pork she has a conflict of cultures (Walker 3014).

In this one above, you do not need the page number because it is not a direct quote. However, it is a nice touch to add a specific page reference anyway. Pretty good!

Your MLA is good. Now, how about verb tense: You should write it all in the present tense, like you did here:

At first, Mrs. Johnson and Maggie are awaiting...

But do not go back and forth between present and past tense. It will be great if you do a revision with all present tense as you write about the story. If you do that, we can check for mistakes. Do you know what I mean about putting it in present tense?

It is very good!

Writing Feedback / Financial anaysis essay (cash flows) [5]

I have no background in this area of expertise, but I can show where some words are missing:

The cash flow statement is used to...

In another words, Verizon is perceived as a better financial value for investment.

Yes, I was going to suggest adding more to that last paragraph, but I see that you already did. This is great work, very clear!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Most important invention, and more. [6]

Prior to the invention of the Internet, people would spend all day long on finding needed knowledge in a library.

With all the reasons mentioned above, the Internet irrefutably deserves to be called 'the most important invention recently made.'

I, of course, take immense ...

network interactions on the I nternet.

This is very, very impressive. I think you will do well and be well-recieved by the schools to which you apply. Congratulations for being so smart!

Undergraduate / Goal setting is a powerful process; U Tirana/ AUBG (Broaden my global perspective) [4]

Another goal of mine is to get the training and education I need to perform any daily task.

Sentences like this one are too general. Even though you had to overcome a language barrier, you are still able to impress them with specific details about your plan. Your plan is what is most impressive when writing this kind of essay.

This, below, is too general and cliche:
I know that in order to fulfill my dreams I will have to put in a lot of hard work and time.

This part is too ordinary, too boring:
Another goal of mine is to one day get married and have a few kids.

I think it is great that you talk about the specific qualities of AUBG, and I think you should get even more specific about what you want to do there. Your clear plan is what will impress them.

Book Reports / "the right stuff" book report. [5]

Several times the author mentions the way pilot's wives think and feel about their husbands' job, such as, "As far as the wives...

I think that "The Right Stuff" is a good book even for an audience of lay people, because ...

The first and last paragraphs need to be strengthened and lengthened; those are the paragraphs that give meaning to your essay. They establish a theme. That last paragraph should be redone, because it does not reflect on the points made in the book or in the essay. The conclusion... it seems superficial!

Graduate / Masters Program for Global Health [5]

The world is closer to a viral pandemic now than at any other ...

non-communicable

...type two diabetes, cancers and obesity-related conditions and none disease other health issues like...

It would be great to build these ideas into a well-structured essay. As it is now, it is like a list of ideas. I think it is important to use a topic sentence for each paragraph, and make each paragraph contain three or four sentences. Your history is impressive!!

Scholarship / The Scholarship Jacket [3]

However, she is discriminated against due to her Mexican ethnicity and family status.

It would actually be better like this:

However, people discriminated again st her due to her Mexican ethnicity and family status.

Hey, that Gibran quote at the end is a great idea! Have you read much of his work? It is an excellent quote to use in this essay.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

It was in my third grade that I first received an award for drawing.

However the journey was not smooth, I suffered from a major back ache. This is a run-on sentence. You should break it into 2 sentences. Also, name the actual condition you had... not just "back ache."

Apart from academics, I served as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization (NCO), a child orphanage.

Writing Feedback / Spend more time working hard on jobs or stay with families? [10]

I deem it necessary to correct your mistakes.
You know what? Nobody ever uses the word "deem" anyway, so don't worry about it. It is rare. I believe that it is necessary to correct your mistakes.

When family is in conflict with working, which one will you pay more attention to and spend more time on?

For example the discovery of new technologies and exploitation of new medicine saves people's lives. from terminal diseases like cancer, AIDS or Parkinson disease . So, they worked through the night and morning, neglecting meals and sleep, and even forgeting their parents' birthdays, they focus on nothing but their career.

Wonderful though the advantages of spending more time in work may be, they cannot compete with the benefits that enjoying time with families; brings about when the importance of communication within families should be taken into consideration.

After working all day they're exhausted, and they don't have any energy to play with their children, even to take care of their children's physical and mental health . So the child stays home alone day by day, and he always feels lonely and he only can talk with his toy -- he does not know how to communicate with others. If things continue like this the child will be an autism even become inadequate develop a weak personality.

Although I concede that there may be a few virtues that come with people paying more attention to their careers , I feel that the merits of enjoying time with the families are more meaningful . From what has been discussed above, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that it is more important to spend time with families than working overtime.

Keep working hard; keep reading and writing! I can tell you work hard to get it right.

Writing Feedback / Aboriginal Rights in the Twentieth Century-My term essay for History [7]

Sean is absolutely right, you need to focus. Once you are clear on which side of the fence you're on, narrowing it down will happen smoothly and easily.

"The main explanation for why the government was willing to give so much land and money to the natives was because the natives were completely convinced that they deserved all they were getting and more." I'm pretty sure this is not a fact.

This needs to be tightened up a lot, get rid of everything you don't need. An example of way too many words is the first paragraph, which could be reduced to three or four stronger sentences.

Writing Feedback / NASA Spinoff Technology [5]


What you learn in your research is the good ammunition to use in ARGUMENT! What a shame it would be to do good Internet research and never use what you learn to win an argument!

That title you mentioned is perfect for arguing that the taxpayers are indeed getting their money's worth. The spinoff technology is a great thing to write about. The best thing about this is that you can make the essay argumentative quite easily.

Just like you said, add sentences to the end of the first paragraph. You can change the meaning of the whole essay at the end of that first paragraph.

About the thesis, I think you already know the answer. the sentence you are adding to the end of that first para is your thesis!! :) What you gave as your thesis statement is a SUPPORTING statement. In fact, you can write the thesis as the second to last sentence in the 1st para: Not only has society ... generations to come. As a premiere ... and manufacturing to sports. Continued funding for NASA is imperative to unlock unseen gains in space and spin-off technologies.

That is a great setup right there. In this case, funding is central to the thesis. Funding must be central to the thesis, because it is central to the discussion about taxpayers and NASA in the public sphere...

Check out some articles about the Challenger explosion. Reagan was a big proponent of NASA's efforts, and his administration was in danger of incurring much public anger as a result of the tragedy. That gives a cool example of how NASA can have its public approval fluctuate. Also, did you see this?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NASA_budget

it is not good to cite wiki, but you can get a GREAT understanding here, and then do key word searches for people and events you read about here.

Finally, here is my big contribution to your paper: hespacereview.com/article/898/1

It is argumentative and persuasive, and it should help guide you in your writing. In fact, it is the very same argument you are making.

Writing Feedback / Spend more time working hard on jobs or stay with families? [10]

As what has been come up with， when family is in conflict with working.
This sentenced needs to be revised for clarity. (above)

Which one you will pay more attention to and spend more time on ?

Contrary to the opinion of many people who believe that people should spend more time working hard, it is my heartfelt belief that nothing compares to taking time with families enjoying a cozy afternoon.

It would be possible at first to take the view that the young people should pay more attention to their jobs .

The main argument is that the young people are longing for the lead position in their company, such as project manager or satrap.
They are eager to obtaining the insurmountable achievement in their vocation, because they are young and have promising futures . are enough space to ego integrity.

For example discovered new comet ... nothing but their career. This also needs to be reworked for clarity, as it is a bit jumbled.

Wonderful though the advantages of spending more time in work may be, they cannot compete with the benefits that enjoying time with families brings about when the importance of communication with families are taken into consideration.

The more frequently people communicate with families, the more harmonious the relationship among family membersis .

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / People face a dilemma where do they get the best suggestion from? [10]

What do you think about this;

As what has been come up with, When people face a dilemma, where might they get the best suggestions?

This issue is a complicated one, it determines what the student will learn over the next four years and what he will do during the rest of his lifetime, and it can be the most significant decision in his life.

At the cutting age of his life, the college student should get exhortation from older friends who have had to go through this before;...

It's looking much better!

:)

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

Since love needs sublimity in mind, time, and feelings. This is not a complete sentence, because the word, "since" implies that there will be more to it. As in, "Since it is raining, I will take my umbrella."

You could have the sentence without the word "since", then it would also be complete.

While hatred requires nothing but malice and envy. It's the same with this...the word "while", implies something more should be forthcoming. Without the word "while", it works as a sentence.

Yes, it is much better!

Undergraduate / Transfering from UTD to UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [11]

I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to let this get in the way of my unwavering dream of attending (name of school here) and that I was persistently going to put my heart and soul into doing the best I can academically to fulfill that dream.

I feel this would help me in expanding my knowledge of life, and in turn let me explore more areas of opportunity that would allow me to use my experience with the aim of facilitatingfor the benefit of communities all around me.

It's better to put the name of the school in here, not just for the dramatic effect, but also so it wont look like you're sending to multiple schools.

Good luck!

:)

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [105]

Yes, Marcell said what I was going to say. Anyone who finds your essay here can see your name next to it along with the date you posted it.

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP - practice essay "Impossible Goals" [9]

A semi-colon will help here:

Challenges we face in our lives are sometimes insurmountable; but it takes ...

Here is an idea:

Goals can be placed into categories, including truly impossible, seemingly impossible, and unrealistic.

To actually become perfect in any regard is obviously not plausible, but ...

Above, I was just thinking about how to make the essay stronger, but with regard to grammar and comp, you have little room for improvement.

...but all are unrealistic and fantastic -- perhaps even goals that will change on a whim.
I think a dash is safer here than a colon, but like the other suggestions I made, it is not too important. Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / We can know something about a person by the way he dresses. [18]

Yes, it is all going in the right direction, and the essay is much improved.

Well, different people will have different views depending upon their ways of thinking.

However, the majority of the rich people wear...

Number agreement: We see doctors wearing white coats with name tags on them.

Use a comma, here, for rhythm:
Humans have tendency to judge a person by their attire, and I am no exception to that.

This is great, binu. I see that, at the end, you noted that some people do not fit into these categories:
above-m entioned categories

Dissertations / Securing eCommerce transactions in Southern Africa [3]

I wouldn't know how to start this either! Research, like Sean said. You have to read about the efforts that have already been made in this; that is where to start.

After that, it's a matter of applying what you know to what they did, or are doing, so that you are making a contribution. What can you do to add something new?

Writing Feedback / Locke and Rousseau [3]

He was a philosopher who had a lot of influence on ...

He asserted that common sense should regulate every human activity.

His works express a protest against feudalism and inequality.

Instead of saying, "rights that are in us as human beings," you can use the word "innate" or "fundamental." This is a great subject to be studying. Your essay reveals some misconceptions, which you can clear up following Sean's guidance, but the process of learning this stuff will definitely be worthwhile!

Writing Feedback / Austen's satire of society; Pride and Prejudice essay - Check [3]

Citizens--Criticizes... That's the kind of weird mistake that comes from over-zealous word processing program auto-correct functions. I hate those things!

Through means of literary work and intellect, Jane Austen criticizes ...

This is an important sentence, below, and it should be made clear:

The author uses her usual legion of satire to evince the apparent criticism of the oppressive figures of wealth ridicule patriarchal society and injustices ...

Also:

The fact that she agrees frivolously reflects her submission to ...

Mr. Collins is no doubtingly is a commercial character symbolizing the vanity ...

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Reward management? Sounds like an interesting project. Do you have any good articles about this subject? The great thing about research like this is that you can look at what other people have done recently in this field and see how you can add to it or improve it. The first step is to read about what other people have done in this field. Are you familiar with the current research in the area of strategic management and business leadership?

Undergraduate / People face a dilemma where do they get the best suggestion from? [10]

Contrary to the opinion of many people who believe that the best advice comes from friends of the same age, it is my heartfelt belief that getting advice from friends who are older than you is wiser.

Rajiv gave great corrections here.

Here is another idea for this part: He will find out how to refuse others' unreasonable demands without offending them, such as requests to help friends cheat on tests or lie to their parents.

I agree with you! I always seek advice from people who are much older than me.

Writing Feedback / NASA Spinoff Technology [5]

This is such an impressive essay; I hate to tell you to go do more work, but that's what I'll do. Based on your challenge to choose a debatable topic, I think the way to make this excellent piece of writing perfect for the assignment is to revise the intro paragraph so that it is ARGUMENTATIVE. In academia, "argumentative" means that you are trying to make a strong case for something. This will be easy, because I see that in the last para you got into a discussion of funding. Funding for NASA is the topic you should introduce in the intro.

If you introduce this essay with the question of whether or not it was appropriate to cut funding to NASA, you can make a strong case. The whole essay supports the idea that NASA benefits society directly and indirectly, so it should be easy to tweak the intro so that it presents this essay as an argument to give NASA priority when making budget cuts -- so that you're arguing in support of funding NASA well.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [105]

Yes, that's what I always say -- and writing well in English may not be as difficult as some ESL students think. Rhythm, in writing, is more important than big vocabulary. Rhythm is not affected by language barriers.

Writing Feedback / What discovery in the last century has been most beneficial for your country? [4]

In the last century, My country, Romania, had passed through many changes and regimes that influence its history in the past century.

Scientists made so many discoveries and inventions ...

Subsequent generations were using the same kind of furniture, appliances, same and educational curriculum. We had no progress, dreams or hope during this half-century.

"Internet" needs to be capitalized.

On the Internet, it is so easy to have a conversation with somebody from another country, to know the ...

This is very thoughtful, and you show through your writing that you are the kind of student whose intelligence shows in the process of working to perfect his/her English.

Writing Feedback / [Essay]The Best and Worst aspects of being a Teenager. [3]

Give some more help to other members -- thoughtful, substantial help, like you might give to a younger sibling with his or her essay (more than a single sentence)!


Instead, maybe you can write: being a teenager is not all bad, though.

In conclusion, I think parents put unnecessary pressure on teenagers when they are already stressed out, which is very wrong.

This seems like something written by a teenager who does not appreciate how easy the teenage years are compared to the years of adulthood -- when you are the one putting pressure on the kids you provide for while they judge you to be going about things in a way that is very wrong.

If you could revise this to sound more like the objective response you might give 15 years from now, looking back on the teenage years, it might seem more credible.

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

I think the last time you gave anyone a review was 3 weeks ago, and you always offer quite meaningful advice. It will be good if you go back to giving some reviews!

Also, try to be patient when less than 24 hours have gone by and you have not received a response. We moderators are few in number.

I cannot say the quality of translation without seeing the original material and being able to read it, but I can tell you that the English is somewhere between acceptable and good. I say that because you have some sentence fragments:

Since love needs sublimity in mind, time, and feelings. While hatred requires nothing but malice and envy.

Usually, incomplete sentences render writing to be far from perfect. However, the good news is that this is excellent writing when you look at the style and rhythm.

Also, how about this:

One cannot experience true love without these three elements: mind, sense of humour, and feelings.

Writing Feedback / University students should be required to take history classes - essay [6]

SairaTasartir gave great help! Here are some ideas for this paragraph, which needed a lot of work:

First and foremost , a minor disadvantage to requiring history involves a lack of time. Some college students explain that they are over swamped with work from their major courses, and that they cannot make some time to spend learning the curriculum of a history class that does not have any connection to their future careers; otherwise They reason that, given all the demands of the that press in from living in the present and anticipating what is yet to come , they should not have to bother with what has happened in the past.

...safely arrive at the conclusion that University students should be required to take history classes even when they are not part of the field of the study.

I look forward to seeing your next draft!