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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
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Posts: 1583  
From: USA

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EF_Team5   
Sep 20, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay on addiction - what does it mean? [4]

Your subject is a very good one, and you make some very good points. A couple more suggestions:

1-What about replacing one addiction for another? For example, many individuals who quit smoking often become overweight because they have an oral fixation that needs to be satisifed, leading them to eat more and become heavier; or, what about heroin/methadone substitution?

2-You could expound a bit on treatment methods for the addictions you discuss? Are there any out there?

3-Do some people just have an addicitive personality? Are there signs to look out for in such a personality besides the ones you already state (the addiction getting in the way of everyday life, etc.)?

Hope this helps!
EF_Team5   
Sep 20, 2008
Scholarship / Essay for scholarship - Master of Architecture in Deakin University in Australia [6]

"Having recently finished my bachelor studies in architecture at the University of Wuppertal, German I have developed a special interest in sustainable building. I believe environmental aspects should be a major part of the designing process. Attending classes in residential as well as non-residential sustainable building has helped me to develop a good background knowledge which has been very useful in my design projects.
EF_Team5   
Sep 20, 2008
Undergraduate / 'more than trained physician, dentist or veterinarian' - essay about being a doctor [6]

Good morning.

"What is a doctor? What exactly do they do and why is there so much prestige associated with that profession? Well, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, a doctor is "a person, especially a physician, dentist, or veterinarian, trained in the healing arts and licensed to practice". Nice intro.
EF_Team5   
Sep 20, 2008
Undergraduate / ART is anything that requires skill, ingenuity,imagination; FSU-Vires, Artes, Mores [2]

I think your essay is very unique as it is. Rather than go down a list of your attributes, you take the time to explain how different beauty can be found in very unusual places-your example of the remote is a wonderful example. You give a well-rounded essay that does stand out from others. I wouldn't change much.
EF_Team5   
Sep 19, 2008
Book Reports / Critique - what is meant by analysis of sources [4]

Good afternoon.

Sources are secondary texts that you use to support your viewpoints in your essay. "Secondary" means that they are not the primary text you are studying, so you would have the first text, the one you are analyzing, and a second text, one that agrees or supports your assertions in the paper.

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 19, 2008
Undergraduate / Admission Essay Personal story - being friendless [4]

You're welcome.

As long as it's a story that illustrates and answers the prompt, it is a successful topic. This meets that criteria, and you tell the story well, so I think it is fine.
EF_Team5   
Sep 19, 2008
Undergraduate / Concepts that are reflected in your life - FSU Undergrads admission essay "Artes" [2]

"Sitting in the pub within my church, focused on the superintendent announcing a call for a new youth leader, I hear my name: "Jason can do it; this young man can lead them." At the time I did not realize it but (Remove comma) those exact words are the very words that my life is pursuing.
EF_Team5   
Sep 19, 2008
Essays / SOP- for MBA in Finance - how to write? [6]

Good afternoon.

For examples of finance SOPs, I suggest you do an internet keyword search for "finance" and "SOP examples". This will show you how others design theirs.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 19, 2008
Undergraduate / Admission Essay Personal story - being friendless [4]

Nice job. You use a clear, concise subject for your essay and stick to it. A few suggestions in the essay, and also one more. Watch the use of casual contractions such as "I'm" and "can't" in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. Instead, write out the complete words.

Good luck!
EF_Team5   
Sep 18, 2008
Speeches / Informative Speech About A Film (chapter 27) [7]

Nice work.

You are very organized and your body fits your introduction nicely. The opening gets the attention of the audience, and your short story about your personal interaction with the subject familiarizes the topic quickly. The organization is great and your audience will be able to follow along easily. Each point of interpretation is thorough and it seems like you will spend about the same amount of time on each one. Try a run-through, and if you are over the time limit you might think about removing one supporting detail from each of the topics (depending on the overage).

As for a conclusion, you could wrap it up with something such as, "You now have some fundamental information about this artist and this painting, and I hope I have inspired you to go out on your own and appreciate any form of art that inspires you." Or something to that effect.

Keep up the good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 18, 2008
Undergraduate / fsu essay, my moral strenght comes from Christ [2]

Good afternoon.

Good start. What about Artes? You include it in the philosophies, but you do not talk about it specifically. If you mention it in the opening, you should talk about it in the body of the essay.

Also, watch your use of casual contractions such as "I'm" as they are inappropriate in academic writing. Also, refrain from using the pronoun "you" as it is also inappropriate in formal academic essays. Substitute "one" or "I" instead.
EF_Team5   
Sep 18, 2008
Essays / I need help on an argumentative essay, on reality television [5]

Good morning.

Well, that's a good start, but it's too short and thus too broad. You need to state your opinion on the subject in your thesis. How about something like "Reality television is here to stay. It influences our generation in a negative manner, which it specifically targets, but the generation Y audience will watch because..."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 18, 2008
Writing Feedback / Literary Response on "The man who loved levittown" by wheatherall [2]

Good morning.

It looks like you are on the right track. Your questions are leading to a close reading of the text, looking critically at the characters and their motivations. Keep along this road and I think you'll do great.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 17, 2008
Undergraduate / 'the touchstone of my life' Essay about a Turning Point [3]

"For as long as I can remember I have been ambitious and competitive, even to a fault. I was taught that acceptance into a prestigious university and employment in a stable, high-paying job is essential in life. For 15 years, this has been the touchstone of my life.

I was convinced this trip was one enormous mistake.Nice description.

However, I reluctantly followed the rest of the party to see the beach.

But - he stressed this point - being miserable about it would not change a thing.

Yet these men and women surrounding me; they possessed no material wealth, but seemed like the happiest people on earth .

Suddenly our hotel room did not seem so bad.

That was when I realized that there would always be problems in our lives, but beside them are also all the good things; they are simply overshadowed. It is just up to us to find them."

=====

This is a wonderful essay. Your paragraphs are very fluid and flow into one another easily. The story is effortless to follow, and it is very descriptive, making the journey enticing for the reader. A few small mechanical corrections, but overall a fantastic essay.
EF_Team5   
Sep 17, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay: "Video surveilance is essential" [3]

Nice job. Since you did not include the prompt/assignment specifications, I can only edit for mechanics and grammar. Watch the use of casual contractions such as "can't" and "won't" as they are inappropriate in academic writing; instead, use their proper forms (i.e. "cannot" and "will not"). Also, stay away from the pronoun "you." This is also inappropriate for academic writing and can put your reader on edge because of its accusatory manner. Instead, try substituting "I" or "one" in its place. Also, you have some great statistical information; make sure you are properly citing it.

I like the title "Video Surveillance is Essential"; or, what about something like "Surveillance for Safer Cities"?
EF_Team5   
Sep 17, 2008
Essays / International relations and liberalism and realism [7]

Good afternoon.

Since these questions are specific to the content of your class, I suggest you contact your academic advisor or your media center assistant to help you locate periodicals and texts that will be specific to the content of your class. You can also contact your intructor for furhter assistance.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 17, 2008
Undergraduate / The creation of something original, something to call your own - UF [4]

During the past three years of high school (Remove comma) I put myself through one of the most rigorous and prestigious architecture programs in the United States, at a school that was ranked 8th in the nation last year. In those three years I have taken full advantage of all wonderful opportunities afforded to me, from internships with well known architects such as Willy Bermello, who is on Board of Architecture of the University of Florida, to community service projects and tutelage under some of the best architectural minds in Florida.

I want to change architecture, bring it to new never before seen heights, to amaze the world. I have researched many institutions and I was proud to see that the University of Florida, whose alumni include most of my family, is the place where I can take the next step in my journey towards achieving greatness. I will make sure that I make the University of Florida proud to be one of its sons."
EF_Team5   
Sep 17, 2008
Essays / Essay length - should I abide by this? [5]

My advice is to play by the rules and limit your response to the word limit. Many boards will not even look at texts that are over the limit.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 17, 2008
Poetry / Imaging Two Poems - Essay Paper HELP [4]

As far as an introduction, I believe in writing that last. Once you have the text you can write an effective opening, but not before the rough draft is at least completed. Once you've got that, we can start work on the intro.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 16, 2008
Writing Feedback / Preconception attitude towards writing [3]

A few thoughts that you could include to make your essay more rounded. Do you think that instructors do not have an objective in making students write about certain topics? Is it not a little boring to keep writing about the same things over and over again, even if they are things you find enjoyable? Isn't education about broadening horizons and learning new things?

A conclusion is meant to tie up the loose ends of your essay and reiterate the things you have already talked about. You could loop back around and close with a statement about how writing was once a privilege reserved for the select few and because of that you feel you should use it, but at the same time you would like to use it only to write about things that you enjoy and have prior knowledge on.

Good luck!
EF_Team5   
Sep 16, 2008
Poetry / Imaging Two Poems - Essay Paper HELP [4]

Good afternoon.

How about some of your personal interpretation on your topics? For instance, why do you think one author uses a pastoral setting while the other a seascape? Is there any significance of this in relation to the entirety of the text? What about the biographies of the authors? How did they grow up? What area? What kinds of lifestyles were they exposed to? Did any of this influence (possibly) their view of nature? The significance of animals, namely mares, in the pastoral setting sticks to this theme. Are there other areas where this theme is applied?

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 15, 2008
Writing Feedback / Many people base on advertising to assess things. Getting know about a country. [2]

Let's see:

"Many people use advertising as a base to assess things. To me, advertising is not reliable enough to know about lots of things, especially a country. Advertising is only a short video or something like that. Advertising usually tells us only the good sides. Even worse, it sometimes provides us wrong information. (Aren't the main objectives of ads to sell something?)

A long history or developing progress of a country is hardly described by a short video or a picture.

Good information is that from specialists' statistics, analyses and historical evidences, not from a superficial advertising. (I believe a word that would be useful in this section is "tourism" or "tourist".)

As a result, some advertising can only be used to impress, not to provide information. Why is the negative not subjective?

Advertising about a country is usually used to attract tourists or investment. Because of the desire to get profits, advertising makers sometimes provide wrong information. Tourists or investors will be first impressed, but soon after, they may be disappointed with the real face of the country. This affects both the country's reputation and attracted people who have just wasted time and money. (This information could be better integrated into the previous two paragraphs instead of being used as one stand-alone paragrpah.)

I cannot deny the advantages that advertising brings us. It provides some very first information and impression about something. But many things, a country included, cannot be truly describe by just a superficial thing like advertising. In conclusion, it is prudent not to trust in advertising in some cases."

Good work.
EF_Team5   
Sep 15, 2008
Undergraduate / 'multifaceted culture' - Rutgers Undergraduate Admission; a vibrant community [7]

"The pulsating diversity of Rutgers University illustrates the quintessence of society; the vast ethnicities and cultures not only diversify the educational experience of this u niversity as the interactions of individuals lead to understanding and compassion, but what? You begin this statement with "not only," leading your reader to expect a continuation of this thought. This is almost a consequential statement: the university provides this, and thus is the result. As is it, it is a dangling, unfinished thought. . My contribution to the vibrancy of Rutgers will consist(Because it hasn't happened yet.) of my heritage and devotion to my motherland. Throughout high school, I finally understood and embraced my Indian background; my greatest qualm, however, came with my advent to(Because you did not create Hinduism; instead, you came to it. Hinduism. The preaching of its morals intrigued me for quite some time. To fully embrace its values and demystify its vast intricacies, I joined the Peacock Society in my freshman year in high school. In this environment, discussions of religious texts were encouraged and celebrations of festivals commenced. As I finally connected with the inner soul of my culture, I decided to give back through volunteering at the Vraj temple in Pennsylvania as well as volunteering in its Vraj Youth Camp. Throughout the experience, I tried to instill in the young children various aspects and virtues of the Hindu religion that I learned while being a camper for 7 years. My understanding and familiarity with Indian culture, religion, ethics, and arts could greatly add to the multiethnic environment of Rutgers University. With the discipline and knowledge ascertained over years of soul-searching and blunt realizations, my knowledge could greatly supplement the culture found at Rutgers University. How, specifically?

This multifaceted culture I refer to can benefit me to a great extent; my passion for other cultures, languages and ethnic cuisines can be quelled through the environment at Rutgers. Not only do I wish to immerse myself with various religions and cultures, I want to learn about additional religions and study other languages to expand my knowledge. I wish to enter and leave as a responsible member of society with a liberal education in cultures and ethnicities including my own."

A nice start.
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Undergraduate / 'New York City's China Town' - Vires, Aates, Mores essay... [3]

"The words "Vires, Artes, and Mores " are all reflected in many different aspects of my life. Although some a little more than others, which is why I am going to write about Vires. The Greek word Vires, or strength of all kinds, has been tested many times in my high school years. My grades have shown, throughout the years, my intellectual abilities in school, but being intelligent does not always apply to school related functions.
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Undergraduate / 'multifaceted culture' - Rutgers Undergraduate Admission; a vibrant community [7]

Good evening.

In order for me to assist you with your essay, you do need to post it to the forum. Please read our FAQ and TOS sections carefully before doing so though.

FAQ: essayforum.com/faq/
TOS: essayforum.com/disclaimer-privacy-tos/

Also, if you choose to post the essay, make sure you have accurate information in your member profile. This way there won't be any plagiarism issues.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Either obstacle to overcome or Other [4]

As we finished the first rep, I heard the coach say, "Will, I need to talk to you for a second."

Maybe all I needed was a new coach. I started swimming at a different club and even though I never missed a practice, I still finished last in race after race. As my dislike for swimming began to grow I understood that I was not like my brothers and sisters.

From somewhere behind me I hear, "Ace, Rabbit ten!" My eyes shift to the armband. The number ten under the rabbit column reveals that the play is "Stretch Lt." I glance forward and call out the defensive scheme and my line's responsibilities: "3-3 Stack, Mike 42, Mike 51."I make a quick check of the man in front of me. I quickly look back for the quarterback's hand signal and prepare my self. "Set... h it!" and the play begins.

In swimming it was just me swimming against everyone else, there was little team unity.

"Swimmers were supposed to be swimmers year-round," he said. That afternoon I understood that I had to make a choice between the two sports.

Nice work! Just a few corrections. How about football in college?? :)
Keep up the hard work.
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Undergraduate / 'a gymnastics routine' - FSU Admission Essay [3]

Nice work. Your conclusion seems a bit abrupt though. How about adding something about how you are more trustworthy to strengthen the claim right before the end, and adding a few sentences at the conclusion about how these traits and experiences will make you a great addition to FSU?
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Essays / Comparative Essay - Woman at Point Zero vs. Death and the Maiden [2]

Good afternoon.

I would suggest beginning by finding the instances within each work that you think show the character's self-respect. Once you have a list of the situations displaying this trait it will probably be much easier to see their similarities and differences.

I also suggest doing an internet search using the title and the keyword "self respect" to see what resources are already out there for these two works and this trait.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Undergraduate / 'his island of Puerto Rico' - FSU Essae [3]

Good afternoon.

Please note there are a few mechanical corrections. Other than than, it looked fine to me.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Descriptive Essay -my next move in terms of education [4]

Good afternoon.

The assignment is to talk about the future; what you want to do with the education you will graduate from this institution with, if you are going to continue your education, etc. This is difficult to do when you are talking about the past. Instead of beginning with a "rewind', how about just picking up from where you are now? Based on your community college experiences, what is it that you wish to continue on with?

It is OK to put a sentence or two about your past in the essay, but don't base the essay on that time period; it will be too difficult to connect to your future and stay within the word count required. With that said, your essay is a good piece, but will probably make your assignment more difficult. I would scrap this and start fresh.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Writing Feedback / I am essay - being a baseball player and being a guitar player [2]

Your essay is disorganized. Try taking one subject at a time, discuss it, and then move on to the next item. For instance, talk about baseball first, then guitar playing, then your drive for perfection. Try and include examples of each of your items to make sure you are effectively communicating with your reader, and your word count will quickly multiply.
EF_Team5   
Sep 14, 2008
Essays / Writing persuasive essay -Salem witch trials [2]

Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin by doing some research on some of the victims of the Salem Witch Trials. There is a lot of literature containing detailed information on specific individuals condemned as witches, complete with excerpts from their "trials".

"Examination of the Records of the Salem Witch Trials" by Margo Burns and Bernard Rosenthal is one such text. You can find part of it at historycooperative.org.

The book "The Salem Witch Trials" by Marilynne K. Roach is a day-by-day account of the events. You can find excerpts from it at books.google.com/books?id=TvxES1lB6XoC&printsec=frontcover.

By reviewing the historical documents about the trials, you can get an idea of what was viewed as "guilty" evidence (having birthmarks, being a holistic healer, a woman in general, or an enemy of those in power) you can get an idea of what not to use. There is a lot of information on this subject out there, so in order to weed out the ostentatious and absurd, make sure you are reading reliable research and sources.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 13, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Varied cultures' - State of Maine, UNI of Florida Essay [2]

You've got a good essay here; just a few corrections. I like the basis for your essay; I think you are establishing and illustrating your well-roundedness nicely by writing about the different environments you have experienced. Keep up the good work!
EF_Team5   
Sep 13, 2008
Essays / How to write an exciting monologue [21]

Good morning.

The beginning of a monologue is no different than any other piece of writing; it needs to begin with an introduction related to what you are going to talk about later on.

I suggest starting in the middle and leaving the introduction part for last. After all, how can you write an intro describing something that you haven't written yet?

Begin to work instead by brainstorming what you want to talk about. Where is the first instance in this text where Romeo begins to think about committing suicide for love. Pull lines from the text that describe this and you can analyze and interpret them a section at a time. You can describe what you think he is thinking/feeling which is driving him to take such drastic action, or you can take a more "light-hearted" approach, describing a "what-if" scenario, as in what would happen if Romeo knew the truth of the situation? Would his "bravery" change?

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

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