Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

Gibran has had great influence in my life, too. I see what he means about... I was surprised to realize how much of my pain is "self-chosen." I put myself through unnecessary pain as I try to construct an identity. Dropping identity, I can drop language, too. Life is short.

Research Papers / What is a Research Paper? [3]

The research paper can be one of two things. It can be an exercise prescribed by professors so that students get to experience various texts, or it can be a paper written for the sake of showing important information.

What kind of class are you taking? Depending on the class, you might need one kind of research paper or another.

Here is some helpful advice: When you have to write a research paper and use a lot of books/articles (i.e. "sources"), think of your paper as alchemy. You mix these five or ten articles together, and you infuse it with your own ideas... and the paper is created.

For the kind of research paper that involves researching a particular subject and using a lot of sources, it is easy: just write about what the other people have said. (And don't forget to cite the source). Then, draw your own conclusion.

Essays / Need assistance finding academic journals on 'operating systems' [3]

Well, I recommend Questia to everyboy, because it is SO comprehensive... but even Questia might not have much about operating systems.

Essays / Discovery of the "New World" [15]

I see that correction Rajeev made and I think it is very important. Those first sentences do not seem clear. Here is another idea:

A question arises in one's mind when asked if the discovery of the New World was a positive or negative development: Further thought reveals that Could it be that it was both positive and negative?

I think Rajeev's correction is probably better, though. It is very clear. This one above may not be right, because you may not be saying, exactly, that it was both positive and negative.

Grammar, Usage / How to Run a Debate in English, rather than Malay. [6]

Yes, that is just about the best possible advice. Wiki is thorough. Also, you can read about recent debates at the organization/school where you will be doing it.

Writing Feedback / Advertisers, affecting our childs thought process [9]

Ha ha, interestingly, many writers throughout history have been known to need a few drinks in order to loosen up enough to write! Just like dancing. For me, though, alcohol and writing don't mix.

This essay is very strong, I think. Are you supposed to use personal anecdotes? I wonder if talking about yourself and your son is going to make you lose points. Probably not, not if the professor is cool.

I still don't like the sentence, Children are given too many choices. It's not that I don't understand what you mean; it's just that this sentence does not convey what you mean very well. It is too short to be descriptive enough to introduce this idea of subtly guiding children by limiting their choices -- a complicated idea that needs careful explanation. You do explain it in the paragraph, but that intro sentence might affect the reader's receptivity to it, and make you seem very old fashioned or conservative, even if just for a moment.

But that is no big deal!

Writing Feedback / Hypocrisy in the Chrysalids [5]

In the citation styles that I know, the period comes after the parenthetical reference:

both kinds were commonly called Deviations" (Wyndham 19). However, if a sentence ends in an exclamation mark or question mark, the parenthetical reference goes after it.

"Are both kinds commonly called deviation?" (Wyndham)

... this forces countless citizens of the area to become hypocrites, who distrust and lie to each other. For this part... it is like a logical fallacy or something... just does not seem right. They can't be forced to become hypocrites... perhaps you can reword the sentence. It may have forced them to be "cynical," or "suspicious," and THOSE can lead, indirectly, to hypocrisy.

Ahh, the ending is really good. You explain everything. What I mentioned above is not so important, because you do explain yourself well at the end.

Research Papers / Pride and Prejudice Research Paper [3]


This is pretty vague. "Submissive" means that she is quick to give in, give up control. To react "according" to submissiveness is to submit. I think you can give a more detailed thesis. Maybe while writing you will add dimensions to the thesis.

Poetry / Destined - a poem [10]

Understanding may come to us like this:
We might begin to understand our lives,
Not as what we followed or what we did,
but only as is written, on some invisible wall of destiny.

This (above) is something that may or may not help. It is what came to mind for me based on my imperfect understanding.

...whom for?

Who dreams big dreams -- of life,
of wealth, of abundant joy and family.

These are just some ideas that may not beright for the poem, but I'll share them anyway.

This is thought provoking! I guess I think it should end with a question mark (i.e. ...at all?)

Essays / Creative essay about New Zealand [5]

Maybe the essay is not supposed to be expository. Maybe you do not need to know about New Zealand at all. You could be writing an essay, for example, about not knowing much about New Zealand; it could be an introspective essay about how little people know about various societies throughout the world.

There are many "types" of essays, creative essay or expository essay are one of them. Does this contest specify which type of essay is expected?

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

In 1929, Toucan got his certificate and was indulged the foamy and stormy way of life!

Above, "indulge" means to do something pleasant that you would ordinarily try to avoid. For example, I might indulge in a second slice of pizza even if I am on a diet, or I might indulge in watching a movie even though I have work to do. What was the original meaning? Was he perhaps "inducted" into this way of life?

Faq, Help / Passages translated into English - is it OK to post? [10]

Oh... what post are you talking about? I may have missed it accidentally. BTW I appreciate all the feedback you have been giving people. Truth is, as a translator you are just as qualified to help as any of us. More qualified.

What thread did we miss? I'll go look now...

Undergraduate / Boston U Int. (Experiences with Dad, Confidence, Stock Market) [13]

Atul, I didn't know that! I guess it is more of a pet peeve of mine than a rule I am helping people learn. My bad! Thanks for the info. Also, thanks for the important advice you gave in another recent thread, about "which idea seems to be best."

Sean, that is good stuff. I got in a bad argument with someone recently over "irregardless." Well, because of it's powerful presence on the page, and it's cool sound, I think that in composition "because" often sounds a lot better than "since."

So there.

Graduate / Explaining my circumstances in better way, for an interview. [6]

Rosomond, I think that is what was needed! Cool. I agree with Sean, though, that we need more info. However, that might be tough if Sandeep is still trying to learn English.

Here is what I thought about it:
My name is Sandeep Kumar, and I am a gradute from [name of school]. I am married, and I have two children. My four brother and sisters all got married and settled far from home. My mother is a housewife, and my wife is also a housewife. Unfortunately, I lost my father recently, and he had been an important resource for all of us.

Writing Feedback / The higher goal the bigger efforts for it. (SAT Essay) [5]

About that thesis, I think you should move this sentence to the end o the first paragraph:
People should be very competitive if they want to succeed.
That way it will begin with the interesting sentence you wrote: "The higher the goal, the bigger the effort is."

You should also make that thesis statement, People should be very competitive if they want to succeed, LONGER so that it is clear and specific.

Writing Feedback / The individuality, use of machines and traveling for pleasure - essay [7]

What I meant was that you use the word "individuality" in the intro and conclusion, but you don't ention individuality at all in the body of the essay. You do talk about how machines EMPOWER people, but that is not the same as "individuality." Individuality is all about being free to be unique as a separate individual human being.

I think maybe the essay seems to be about EMPOWERMENT rather than INDIVIDUALITY. Does that make sense? Sorry I was not clearer. However, this is just my thought about it; it is a good essay, nevertheless.

Essays / I don't know how to start my essay.. [13]

Wow, great advice here.

I'll expand on something Sean wrote, and mention that writing this essay is no different from explaining something to a friend. If you go see a movie and stay awake through the whole thing, you can easily tell a friend about it. You can write a paragraph about it, even.

So, what is the difference between books/articles and movies? You can spend quality time with a book/article and get to know it so well you can explain it to a friend. You can writing a paragraph about it. Then, at the end, put the author's name in parentheses (i.e. citing the soure). Simple as that.

You DO have sources, right? How many books and articles have you collected?

Also, break these papers into sections. Think of them as about 14 little one page papers. Can you find 7 or 8 books/articles for each paper? It's a lot of work, but not THAT bad!

Also, let your paper be reated as a collage of books/articles. Just explain each book and article, and when you have written a little blurb about 7 or 8 of them, rearrange them to make a nice collage, a nice paper.

At the END, write your intro 1.) paragraph with thesis statement, and 2.) reflective, thoughtful conclusion.

Writing Feedback / Essay on England's Right to Tax [7]

Hey, you are not being a bother. I did not see this in time to talk about it before your deadline, though. I bet this will score well.

Writing Feedback / Limiting the Use of Dispable Plastic Bags [5]

Chidem and HD, thanks for those great insights. It helps in more ways than you know; it helps me to get a deeper understanding of just how multifaceted collaboration at EssayForum can be.

Chidem, your explanation of sentences seeming "disconnected" gave me a new insight into writing. In the Daoist practice of Tai Chi Chuan, your whole body is supposed to be "threaded together," and I guess the same rule applies in writing. In these forums, I think of helping people make their essays "integrated" by making sure the paragraphs center on the topic sentences, etc. but I have never thought of how sentences should be threaded together. So... thanks!!

Research Papers / Help with narrowing down research question and thesis [5]


I don't understand what you mean by this, above. Look at some studies that are similar to the one you want to create and see in what order they present research questions, thesis, etc. But really, the thesis question/statement is MOST important, and you should introduce it right away.

As for narrowing down communication "issues"... oh, I agree with Sean. And it really is a great topic! Digitizing out lives in the 21st century can create great improvements, but it can also enable corners to be cut. That would be my theme. I would argue that online classroomms are only good as supplements to traditional programs or to bring education to parts of the world where it is not available... but NOT as a convenient alternative to face-to-face instruction. I have taken online classes, and they are NOT equivalent to in-person classes. I don't think it needs to be narrowed too much. BUT, your thesis statement actually serves to narrow it somewhat.

The outline looks good, but as you work, you might change the outline.


Don't write about "traditional values." This is about effectiveness. How about interviewing people who argue various points about the issue, and focusing the interviews on EFFECTIVENESS. The purposes of education include preparing people for jobs, preserving culture, freeing the mind, teaching people to think and analyze, etc...

You need to present an idea of what it means for education to be effective, and then begin your assessment.

I agree with you, and I am excited to hear more about your project. education is too important to have us cutting corners. there is a big difference between using technology to enhance and using it to save tie and money. Only enhancement is appropriate.

Writing Feedback / Advertisers, affecting our childs thought process [9]

Yes, lots of people find it difficult! They don't like committing their thoughts to print. :) I can understand the difficulty, because I can't dance. In dancing, you need to let go and surrender to some kind of rhythm, and I always feel foolish. In writing, you need to let go and surrender to rhythm, too. Writing is easier for me than dancing.. are you good at dancing?

It's all about rhythm and repertoire.

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

Oh... yes, I think you should attend to that prompt about evaluating an experience. I think you can explain that in that experience of trying on a contact lens, you had these insights about the importance of vision, the value of contact lenses for helping people to feel confident about how they look, and through this experience you may even have become inspired to achieve some SPECIFIC advancement in optometry or service you can provide that will enable you to "contribute globally."

Does that seem right? To write it in a way that shows that these insights and aspirations became clear during that single experience?

I also think you should include the thing about hot soup causing the glasses to fog up -- it was a good detail! It colored in the essay. :)

About the optional essay: Some people use this opportunity to explain why they had a low GPA, and others use it to show that they have a special "vision" for -- hey! That is what you can do: Use the word "vision" as a double-entendre, a word with a double meaning. Write this optional essay about your vision for the future -- how your education will enable you to actualize your dream of contributing globally through optometry. Are there poor countries where you might spend some time providing free service or creating a helpful program? Is there any poor country that fascinates you? Use this essay to back up what you claimed about wanting to contribute globally. :)

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

Or is it the giant tree that lives for thousands of years
(thousand years)? It depends on the original meaning. But you would not write, "lives for thousand years..."

You would write, "Lives for thousands of years..." but are there any trees that actually live that long?

No, it is none of them; it is rather nearer to you than them all! It is something you meet, live with, and care about everyday; it is your own body!--- this one needs those semi-colons... so that it does not have run-on sentences.

...the ability to listening to the others is one of the crucial qualities to achieve success in practical life.

In the evening, I left my office feeling heart broken, as I could not get the sight of that woman and her child out of my mind. This is better. It was grammatically correct before, but this is smoother.

This kind of good listening and apparent (clear) (does it mean that the interest was obvious? Like, it was easy to see that the patient was being listened to? In that case, say this:

This kind of good listening, listening while showing real interest, may help the patient to recover quickly.

A cold winter's afternoon. ---- > Good! It is right.

Seize the first opportunity ---> This has MANY alternatives. "Exploit the first opportunity." How about that?

This is good: Send someone my regards.

I drove off in my car. Or... I got in my car and drove off.

Writing Feedback / Some of my thoughts - an essay [8]

What?! Go read some essays and tell what effect they had on you. You are brilliant... bilingual, even. More qualified than I am to help this diversity of scholars.

Wow, I have helped people whose English is so harsh that I had to carefully word my advice so that they would understand... and even THEY have plenty of ability to contribute. We all do, nd that is the advantage of this kind of forum. It is what it is. The pressure you are talking about is the pressure that empowers.

I think I know what to do. I will make a page where I explain all the different ways in which people can help, even if they are just now learning English. The thing is, pressure is what makes us learn. Ha ha, even if it is fro arguing with us about our policies, pressure makes memorable, deep learning. :)

I think your advice here is very important, though, because it will encourage me to find a way to explain to members that everyone's opinion helps. You work mainly with translations, but with other students, an essay is a piece of art. When I show you my art, your opinion counts. I want to know what you think. I don't want to only hear from people who grew up speaking English. Globalization is a process that brings us all together, ad all the different perspectives count.

So... in the spirit of collaboration... experience several essays and interact with their authors, even if you lack confidence. That is what this is all about! :)

Writing Feedback / The higher goal the bigger efforts for it. (SAT Essay) [5]


Depends on the goal! What if my goal is to have peace?

That's why people should never give up in trying to achieve their big goals. ---- Don't get off topic; this is not about goal achievement. It's about winning.

Solid essay! I was just nitpicking about the argument for fun. This seems like it should do well.

This part is not so good: The win only matters. Write that in a better way.. like... "Only the win matters."

Writing Feedback / It's with God's miracle that human miracles are innovate; Human Mind vs. the Computer [8]


Not always, not in the chess games. :)

Don't capitalize "computer," because it is not a proper noun. Ha ha, my computer's grammar checker caught that, actually! :) So much for human supremacy. :)

Well, as for a grade... this is too simple to get an A. For an A, I would expect to see a paper that told me something I did not know. I already know that my brain is atop my shoulders while my laptop is underneath. For an A, I would expect to learn about research, recent research findings about this very subject.

This definitely gets a B, though, for clarity and structure. It is a solid essay, structurally. As for the argument about God's creation being supreme... I think you should find a few fasinating facts about the brain - and more importantly, about the "mind" which is different from the brain. You should impress the reader with the amazing modern findings about the mind. And cite your sources.

Essays / Need help on choosing a topic for my Informative Essay [8]


This is a boring opening line, and also, I don't think you are supposed to capitalize "stem."

Maybe you should start with this line: Many wonder if putting such importance into a stem cell research will be worth the time and money it requires and if the potential benefits that some scientists expect will ever occur.

Also, th word medicine... I think it should not be capitalized.

One must consider what makes up stem cells, their importance to Medicine, the debate that surrounds it on being ethically and morally acceptable to society; one must also consider the accomplishments that this research has already made possible for medicine in order to develop an opinion on whether stem cells should be used or not.

Usually, the parenthetical reference goes BEFORE the period, and articles are put in " " marks in MLA:

This has motivated the movement of "pro-life" a group of members that have grown an interest in preserving the rights of early staged embryos ("Stem Cell Controversy" ).

This is greatm though! For sure.

Writing Feedback / The individuality, use of machines and traveling for pleasure - essay [7]

Hey, alright! Thanks, Rosamond. I know serious scholars with good intentions when I see them.

Below, see all that is unnecessary? I scratch out what is unnessecary:
Firstly, individuality has acquired a great importance in today's world. In addition, use of Compared to past communication and transportation innovations, 21st century technology is considerably superior. Technology, at home and work, or traveling for pleasure or business, are considerable variations when compared to the past.

Hmmm... I had trouble with that one, above. Not sure of it. What are you trying to say about "individuality"? If you are not writing about it in the essay, it's better to leave it out of that first paragraph.

...has more value now than in the past.

Letters / Globalization - an opinion letter in essay form [12]

The previous Secretary-General of the United Nations K ofi Annan...


Well, they should preserve language and culture, but, pragmatically, they are learning English so that they can have opportunities to get good jobs, etc... because of the economic discrepancy that makes it easier to earn a good living if you speak English. So, that should be acknowledged.

Really, globalization is evening the odds in many ways. So, that should be acknowledged, but I do understand your message. Acknowledged the other side, though, and you have more credibility.

Globalization contributes to maintaining an unfair society that helps the rich remain wealthy, and the poor remain in poverty.-----> Yeah... globalization is not all bad!! It is enabling people in developing countries to be employed by wealthier countries. America actually tends to weaken the economies of the companies it offshores labor to, so that supports your argument, but the weakening is only because of increased spending by the people who are suddenly gainfully employed. The truth is... globalization is a natural process.

Essays / Essay on The Evolution of Beer [4]

I guess I think that first paragraph and the second one should be... hmmmm. Yes, I think the first two paragraphs should be fused together, because the second paragraph is quite short, but it introduces the main idea, which is the BREWING of beer. Don't call this the evolution of beer unless you are going to talk about how it changed -- from the first brews in ancient times all the way up to Heineken. This essay is about the BREWING of beer.

So, try fusing the first two paragraphs together, and then approach the essay as an epository essay about what beer is and the role it plays in society.

In that last paragraph, don't be using "allowed" when what you mean is "enabled"...

It's funny that you say things would be different without beer. Many car accidents, fights, and destroyed families would have been avoided. Then again, the guys that can't drink hard liquor without turning into jerks can use beer, which keeps them in control. In Viking literature, it is described as something that gives you power.

Decide what, exactly, you want to write about -- the brewing, or the significance?

Writing Feedback / Essay on England's Right to Tax [7]


This is looking great! Now, the sentence above comes at the end of the first para. It should be phrased in way that is confident, and in a way that is very clear about the meaning, so that the reader knows that it is the main idea of the essay. Really, it is not exactly the main idea of the essay, though. Could you add a sentence after it that will serve as the thesis? Add a sentence to the end of that first para that states your main idea of the whole essay.

One more thing, misplaces commas:

...boycotting England's goods buthad, in their anger, against Parliament, overreacted by refusing...

Writing Feedback / Essay on England's Right to Tax [7]

Franklin thus took the side of England, and advised the colonists to "Be reasonable" and accept the tax.

Thus, finding that his reputation in America was at stake, and that the colonists' determination to repeal the stamp act could not be swayed, Franklin himself became a critic of the Stamp Act.

Although he may have personally thought that the Americans would be better off simply paying the tax than starting a revolution, Franklin would stand with his countrymen when they could not be persuaded else wise.

I believe that England lost its right to tax the American colonies when it stopped supporting the colonies and allowed the Americans to establish their own administration system.

I also believe that the settlers had made an ingeniousness move to protest the Stamp act by boycotting England's goods, but had in their anger against Parliament made the terrible overreaction of refusing to pay the new tax to England.

This lack of English support in America, caused the colonists to develop their own system of government, creating new laws in the colonies and imposing taxes on its own people.

The chaos that erupted from this, was everywhere, and iseven thickly spread though the short document of Benjamin Franklin's trial before parliament.

In this section of the document, Parliament does not even have an account of the expenses that the American colonies paid for during the war.

Here are a few fixes, but first, you need an introductory paragraph that captures the readers attention and tells your thesis statement. This first paragraph is long and overwhelming.

Undergraduate / (Hardships / Family history / Institution / Qualities) - college essay remake [6]

Yes, give some substantial help to other members first! :)

Letters / importance of learning new culture and language(for volunteer position) [2]

Since the beginning of grade 9,...

Balancing both sides of heritage equally...

I believe young Korean children should have the opportunity to achieve knowledge about the remarkable beauty of Korean culture and language.

London Korean Language and Heritage School is the perfect place to obtain this opportunity and I would thrive as part of the volunteer team of Korean language school.

I added a few more small fixes to Seans, and good luck, this sounds like it could be a fun and rewarding position!

:)

Writing Feedback / The Big Three, Japanese Archetypes [3]

Well, about the space limitation, remember: you could, if you had to, write this whole essay in a single sentence. You could perhaps capture the meaning of anything in a single word.

For example, If I had to pick a spot between the three...
Above, there is no room for "for example", because each of these paragraphs is very important. Examples are "supporting things", but these 2 paragraphs must stand on their own.

Also remember that a paragraph can be as long as you want it to be! :) Elaborate more in para #2, so you can show DEEP understanding of the big three. This is good stuff, thanks for sharing it!

Undergraduate / 'I love the sciences' - UVM Waitlist Letter [7]

Complacently This letter may indeed become one such document, but...

Above, I don't think "complacently" works in that use.

Wow, good luck with this! I admire your eloquence and perseverence.

I guess I think that you should try to reduce the number of words dedicated to telling about science and the recent acquisition of interest in language (keep them, but shorten them), and spend a paragraph expressing your vision for the FUTURE instead. Spend a paragraph explaining what you want to do with your education at this school and after you graduate. Show that, even though you lacked motivation when letting your GPA sink, you do have motivation now. You certainly write well, so it should work out for you! Good luck!

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

Tasneemspring, it's time for everyone to start giving substantial reviews and critiques of 2 other people's essays every time they post something they want help with. Even if you don't start a new thread, give some help every time you want help. That will free up some time for us, as we can refer to other people's reviews as we give our own.

Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully [13]

I agree, that is a cool insight, Silverystar!

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

I was excited to place my hands for the first time onto a pair of contact lens, because...

Above, use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence.

This essay is cool! However, a sentence needs to be added. Add a sentence that gives some deeper, more meaningful reason for your interest in optometry. Can you say that you perceive this field to be one in which you can make a global contribution? Or a field that has meaning for you because of a special desire to help people to improve their lives? Can you write a sentence about how you believe vision is the most important of the senses? The problem right now is that it seems like you are basing your whole career on the fact that you really liked getting contact lenses as a kid. Superficial. But, you can fix it with one good sentence.

Essays / Cause and Effect Essay Trouble [6]

What? ? Haha, I guess I see how that is funny. I would advise against it, unless the prof does have a good sense of humor. Wow...