Essays / Writing a term paper in a Rogerian style.. [4]

First, introduce the issue in an intro paragraph. Tell what the issue is, and give a little description (in just 2 sentences or so) of how the three sources are similar or different.

Then, write one paragraph for each of the three texts. So, take what you have and separate the paragraphs so that there is one para for each text.

Then, in the conclusion paragraph, sum up the relationships here, and reflect on them. Your conclusion para is looking good already!

Undergraduate / 'In love with the sky' - Main essay. Influential experience in ur life [21]

Yep, the idea is to be clear about what your focus is. You can talk about the move, for sure, but keep focused on that central theme.

Undergraduate / FSU essay ("traditions and customs that have become a part of my life") [11]

Actually, I think of paragraphs as about one hundred words each. I think of a page as 300 words, but I know that If I write 1200 words it will be a little more than 4 pages. So, that sees different from what you are all saying...

I must use too many small words!

The margins make a big difference, too.

Undergraduate / U of Washington. Limit for number of word? [13]

Ohhhhh... I figured out the way to fix it. You were trying to write about 2 different things at the same time! I gave some ideas for cutting it down to size.

:)

Undergraduate / 'In love with the sky' - Main essay. Influential experience in ur life [21]

Okay, focus only on the experience of listening to others. the reason you are having trouble is that you are trying to write 2 essays at the same time! Your influential experience came fro being a good listener, just like your name means:

Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the sky. The world behind the blues was always a mystery; something both unknown and admirable. I had so much thirst for something new and untouched; I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, leave earth, experience new things, risk and discover. Well, unfortunately, it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so, not necessarily. Actually, it is all here on earth. It's always been.

The process of understanding this fact took about 4 years; starting at the time I was in middle school and ending in high school. But honestly, sometimes I think it has been started even before I was born: w

Writing Feedback / Essay comments - "A place you go to relax" [4]

Yes, change "Let me tell you why" to a thesis statement. Change it to a statement that tells, in a single sentence, the MAIN IDEA OF THE WHOLE ESSAY.

The thesis statement (or question) is like the essence of any essay.

Not only is the kitchen a great place to relax because it has food, but it's also a place for quiet introspection.

The conclusion paragraph needs to be more than a sentence. English teachers generally encourage students to make paragraphs consist of more than one sentence. In that last paragraph, tell the truth of the essay: the kitchen is relaxing because it satisfies the basic need for sustenance, it is a place where one can do deep thinking, and it is a place where people socialize. Sum up the essay by telling how the kitchen is unique because of these things, so that the reader feels like you wrote something very meaningful.

It's finny, good writing is a matter of saying something, explaining it, and then saying it again!

:)

Undergraduate / VCU Personal Statement [2]

Instead of writing "I would like to" twice, change the second one to:

I hope to become a choreographer at a dance company and make costumes for dancers. This will enable me to apply both talents together.

Also:

Having my own school would be a big privilege so I could show children there are many ways in expressing their feelings.

Make sentences shorter and more manageable:

At the present, I am already pursuing my goal during my junior and senior years of high school. I auditioned and was accepted into the Performing Arts for Dance. at my present school, Woodbridge Senior High school.

God luck!!!

Undergraduate / USC essay "My best friend gone slim" - Tell us about an external influence that affected you [4]

The first paragraph should introduce the theme of the essay. Perhaps you can divide it into two paragraphs, and at the end of the first one add a sentence that captures the central truth of the essay -- the answer to that prompt question.

Undergraduate / "Food heaven", "financial capital" and "shopping Mecca" - "Issue of local concern" Michigan essay [2]

While Hong Kong does consist of those things, it is also true that...

Or:

While Hong Kong does consist of those things, the flashy guide books and advertisements fail to mention is that chronic pollution...

Now, you need a strong thesis sentence. In most essays, the thesis goes at the end of the first paragraph, but in yours it would fit well as the 1st sentence of the second paragraph. Add a sentence to that second paragraph to start it out by saying, The environmentally hazardous factors that are at work in Hong Kong represent a serious issue...

i.e. to show that you are answering the prompt directly.

Graduate / Could you assist me if these question are well answered (the programme) [3]

Yes, good advice! For question #1, add a sentence about the specific sustainable energy initiatives that interest you... and how you might work with them during your career.

Then, you can continue with the same theme for the rest of the questions. I see that they all go together. Show that you already understand some of the "novel solutions" being developed... give examples of what you are interested in!

:)

Essays / Essay on "GOOD DEED I HAVE DONE IN 2008" [12]

Here is some help:

One day my mom told me that I must have kindness about people whether they are related or not related to you. She explained something about kindness after that day, and her explanation stayed in my mind. I always remembered my mom's words, and I started each day by practicing kindness in the morning. I say "thanks" to my mom when she makes breakfast, and when arrive at school I say "thanks" to driver and "good morning" to my school gatekeeper. These small acts of kindness brighten people's days.

Congratulations! You do not yet write with "correct" English, but you are fluent in English! I can understand everything you write, and that is a big accomplishment. I wish I was bilingual!

Undergraduate / Experience which has influence on me ("This language is math") [7]

Yes, isn't that strange? They made it unnecessarily difficult to understand. I had to read it over and over, and I am pretty good at this stuff!

However, the point of "accessible" is to say that something can be done to influence it. That is the point of the statement.

So, it is not that it is easy to understand, but rather, "accessible" in the sense that it is "tangible," so you can access it and influence it.

So, they are talking about the fact that you can manipulate environmental conditions in order to affect feelings and traits.

I think you should take another look at the sentence as it is written in the text book to see if you laft out any words. It seems like it is missing something. Are you sure that is the way the sentence is written?

Undergraduate / UW short essay - "race and culture at school" [5]

"Today's topic is race and culture at school ," the teacher announced. Sitting in a circle, surrounded by peers of different cultures and skin colors, each student shared their perspective on the matter.

Wow, very interesting! When does cultural pride become racism? Or, is cultural pride a form of racism? Interesting. Your essay is a winner, with 3 strong paragraphs.

I think I would like to see you add one sentence to yhe beginning... a new first sentence... one that captures the theme of the essay, the central truth. That way, the rest of the essay will serve to explain this single idea. However, it is good the way it is. Oh, I know, instead of giving a first sentence, give it a title that expounds the idea of equality within diversity.

Undergraduate / Common Apps Short Question- 'A community service experience' [10]

Too many words leaves you like Yosemite Sam when he has 12 pistols and doesn't know which one to grab! Too many words make the brain full of knowledge, so it is like a computer that runs slow! I know too many words already!

In the Tao Te Ching, it says, "In seeking knowledge, every day something is acquired; in seeking wisdom, every day something is dropped." Lately, I think that it is important to feel your way through life instead of so much thinking and planning.

Nevertheless, by teaching me that word you probably saved me some future embarrassment!

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Hi! you know, if you check out sparknotes it really makes it easy to understand. I am sure King Lear is covered in Sparknotes. Do not just read Sparknotes and skip the actual play...

But you can use SparkNotes.com to learn about the themes at work, and you can come up with ideas.

Undergraduate / Pratt Undergraduate Admissions Essay ("left America to live in Hong Kong") [8]

Ha ha, that is some straightforward advice from Sean! Yes, the two focal points of the essay are:

1.) Why do you want to attend Pratt?
2.) What do you hope to accomplish from your education?

In most essays, you need to come up with a thesis statement yourself, but for this essay they give it to you. They give you two. So, stick to them!

Undergraduate / I want to be an architect! / Pratt Institute [4]

Okay, the whole essay should be based on one central idea: Pratt is the perfect school for you to continue your process of becoming the professional you want to be. This is the idea that should be the focus of the first paragraph.

Take all that info about not trying hard in high school and move it toward the end of the essay. Then you can keep the essay focused on what is important.

Cultivate that idea in the first paragraph, and let the reader know that something meaningful is going on. You are in the process of achieving your dream, and Pratt has the resources to get you there.

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

Here is an edit to my edit:

I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian, because I want a future career that I know will bring fulfillment for the rest of my life. I came to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel.

Essays / Allusion. Film as lit class [8]

Awesome, that is great advice! I wonder what prevented you from being able to come up with lots of ideas yourself. It is interesting to think of how thoughts arise in the mind. You sometimes need to think of a few familiar concepts, and then you come up with the perfect idea. Brainstorming is like mustering something up. It's like splashing around in water.

What allusion did you decide to use? Perhaps there is something perfect for your project...

Undergraduate / U of Washington. Limit for number of word? [13]

You know, you can almost always improve an essay by cutting it down to size. See if you can find a sentence that seemed important to you, but is not important for the experience you are trying to create for the reader. Does that make sense???

:)

Essays / Common app essay format question (is it double-spaced, 12 Times?) [8]

Right on! Good advice.

Undergraduate / VCU essay: "Education and Life: A Personal Statement." In this essay, discuss your educational goals [8]

First impressions are everything. Let's look at your first paragraph:

I was in the sixth grade when I first immigrated to the United States of America. What I saw was completely unfamiliar to my way of life; the classroom walls were even decorated in a language that was foreign to me. Luckily, I discovered a way to overcome the language barrier by expressing myself through art.

That last sentence that I added... it tells the reader the main theme of the essay. Every good essay has a thesis sentence like that, usually in the first paragraph. If the whole essay is about transcending a language barrier through art, it WILL be interesting.

At first, my American life was very hard because of the English language and also cultural differences with many American students. I lived in South Korea for 13 years. Therefore, the transition of cultural and social ways of life created a great impact in my life. However, my first American friend, Rachel, was truly helpful to me. Despite of my broken English, she understood my situation and tried to help me. That is how we began to share a friendship diary. It was not a typical diary. This was our ideal way of communication; because we could not communicate to each other verbally, so we used drawings. Through this, I discovered my passion in art and the American culture.

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

It is good to keep sentences direct and powerful. I always think of an example Stephen King gives in On Writing: "Jane killed her husband with a hammer." That line is short, simple, and extremely intriguing and powerful!

I realize that becoming a veterinarian takes a lot of hard work and many years in school... oh, how about like this:

I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian, because I want a future career that I know will bring fulfillment for the rest of my life. I came to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel. when I was a junior in high school.

These two sentences are not related to each other strongly enough to warrant the use of a semi-colon. They're really two different thoughts, so we use a period.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Sig. Experience (Lego League) [8]

Here is a way to adhere to a rule called "number agreement." Keep things either singular or plural in any given sentence:

It was our own little world where we could solve the problems any ways we could imagine -- and we had some active imaginations.

I also added a dash up there, for a pause -- like a rest note in music.

Here is an example of how you can take out unnecessary detail in order to make the essay more compact and powerful.

So we split the jobs up, two people would go to the table initially, run the first program and then they would switch out with two others and we would continue that process through all of the missions and all of the teammates. This served us well on several different levels. Most importantly the judges loved it, but as an added bonus it helped us stay calm.

If you write that stuff above, the reader will end up thinking about that process instead of what you are really trying to convey. That process is important to you, but it is nearly impossible to explain to the reader. So explain it in an efficient way that enables you to keep moving along to make the important points in the essay:

By re-allocating responsibilities and innovating a systematic method of cooperation, we were able to impress the judges by achieving a higher level of efficiency.

You can apply that principle of simplification to make the whole essay more powerful.

Undergraduate / "From Bolivia" - American University Essay [10]

Ideas into action and action into service. So, the essay should show how you act out this process by which ideas become actions and then service. At the end of the first paragraph, tell how this story involves you putting an idea into action and then into service.

In that short last paragraph, you have room to review again how this story involved an idea being put into action, which was also a service.

Also, here is a fix:

An idea was on my mind: All my hard work in school might not pay off after all. All the effort that I had put into my studies for the last three years could go down the drain, all because of my immigration status.

Does that work?

Essays / community development practice undergraduate [6]

Obama would make an interesting subject for this!

Undergraduate / Experience which has influence on me ("This language is math") [7]

As the interaction between organism and environment has come to be understood, however,

effects that used to be thought of as being associated with certain states of mind,

feelings and traits are beginning to be traced to accessible conditions,

and a technology of behavior may therefore become available.

This sentence is saying that certain feelings and traits used to be considered just the results of certain states of mind, but now we think they are largely the result of environmental conditions. Therefore, behavior modification strategies might be possible for certain states of mind for which behavior strategies used to seem impossible.

That really is quite an unclear sentence! It is hard to decipher, and that is not good. It's too bad that text books are often full of bad writing because of the fact that they are valuable for their information rather than for clarity.

Essays / Essay on "GOOD DEED I HAVE DONE IN 2008" [12]

First think of a good deed that you did. Explain it to us right here, in this forum, and perhaps we can help you turn it into an essay. Are you trying to learn to write in English? Having difficulty?

Undergraduate / Teacher of influence essay [6]

My first thought is that you need to add one sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It should be a sentence that captures the central meaning of the essay -- the thesis statement. Let this sentence by the seed at the center of your essay, the fundamental message to the reader.

The influence that Glennon had on me during the period that I know him was much greater than those of any of my other teachers. His passion for teaching...

Undergraduate / U of Washington essay-"my great-grandfather was executed..." [5]

Hello! When you write a paragraph, it is good to start and finish with the same idea. That wraps it up nicely. So, you begin a paragraph with a sentence about the main idea, then explain for a few sentences, and then restate that main idea in different words, perhaps with a new twist or insight. It can be beautiful.

Hey, I think you don't realize how well you write!!

From the legacy of my birth to the journey ...and chances to give back to the world that has given me so much.

Hey, your paragraphs are good, and so are the grammar and punctuation! However, keep revising for conciseness and cleverness! It will keep on improving.

:)

Undergraduate / 'the vast resources' - Why UPS short answer [8]

No, I would say keep paragraph one and eliminate paragraph two! Para two does not really say anything.

For the past decade, I have been the interpreter and translator for my parents and relatives. Through these experiences, I enjoyed being able to utilize my abilities to the betterment of others. Using my skills to help non-English speaking immigrants and discovering new cultures in high school sparks my interest in studying in the field of Asian Studies. I believe my path towards achieving an excellent education and fulfilling my aspirations begin at the University of Puget Sound.

The beautiful campus of the University of Puget Sound is surrounded by mountains and oceans; and its small size makes a great nurturing environment and allows more opportunities for close bonds to form between students and teachers. ...

Writing Feedback / writing technique advices for the essay " regular and election days" [8]

Oh, man! I hate it when a prof sucks the life out of writing by giving such particular requirements!

Okay, in the intro paragraph, add a sentence at the end that says something general about the relationship of the two... something that will be shown through the compare and contrast process (thesis statement).

In paragrap 2, add an opening sentence that will tell the reader that this is about DIFFERENCES. In paragraph 3, I see that you already did a good job of introducing it as a paragraph about SIMILARITIES.

At the end, conclude with a paragraph that is a lot like the thesis statement -- elaborate on the relationship between the two as it is revealed through the similarities and differences you describe.

I hope that helps!!!!

Undergraduate / 'In love with the sky' - Main essay. Influential experience in ur life [21]

Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the sky.

I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, to leave earth, to experience new things, to risk and to discover.

or:

I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, leave earth, to experience new things, to risk, and to discover.

Soon I found myself listening to and advising people

In November of 2007, I moved to the United States with my family in order to seek a better life and better educational opportunities for me and my little sister .

You have to create yourself anew, and I was no exception; black holes never leave anything behind.

Each person is a vast world; it takes a lifetime or more to discover the truth of a person.

I think it would be a shame if I never dared to go out, find them and hold their hands. I will stay on earth with my people and their worlds. Galaxies and space? They can take time.

I like your line about being in love with the sky!!!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement, taking pictures as my hobby. [8]

It's an art, and a science: complete with rules. The art is finding a subject; the science is getting that subject onto paper.

Great! When you add those transitions at the beginning of each subsequent paragraph, let them serve the duel purpose of introducing the paragraph and also connecting it to the previous one. Look at each paragraph to see what function it serves in the essay, and write the beginning sentences accordingly.

This is a great discussion of how photography is both art and science. I like it!!

Writing Feedback / The person I admire happens to be my rival - Essay on Role model [7]

It is not difficult to find someone to admire, and look up to but in my case the recipient of my admiration is an unlikely one : the person I admire happens to be my rival. Right here, you can give a sentence that captures the central meaning of the whole essay.. a reflective, philosophical sentence. This is the thesis.

Then, go on to the next paragraph:

My cousin is a construction management graduate ...

As you work on improving the essay, do so by keeping it consistent with this central theme. That is what makes a great, memorable essay.

Undergraduate / Bentley College- Why do you want to attend this school? [5]

Diversity, honesty and an ingenious education system are qualities that I look for in a college; Bentley has all of them.

Now that you named those three ideas, you should explain them in the body of the essay. If you add content, do so by discussing these themes.

Keep the numbers in agreement by using plural:

I want my parents to hold their heads up high as I will become the first in the family to attend college.

Undergraduate / USC Essay ignorance in the presence of knowlege [5]

Well, you don't need the " " marks if it is in the format of a screenplay type of dialog. However, I would suggest just writing it as dialogue in a novel would be. So, if you take my advice, you will use " " marks and do it like a novel.

Also, simplify it for the reader's sake:

There was a study done that says more poor people use myspace than facebook... I saw some mexican girl going on myspace in art class and i was like study proof'd! me: idt i ever been on myspace its flashy crap and personalizatio nmost black ppl don't know how to personalize and just add all the shit they can find which makes their myspace page take forever to load.

Just do it like this:

"There was a study done that says more poor people use myspace
than facebook...most black ppl don't know how to personalize and just add all the shit they can find which makes their MySpace page take forever to load."

Let this be a paragraph of its own. Then, go on to the next paragraph and explain...

During the first couple months I knew him, he seemed...

Faq, Help / How long to reply by a moderator or contributor? [9]

Yes, I am just now finally catching up after a crazy week of essay-reading. If anyone has an essay that we missed, let us know! :)

Student Talk / What does it mean to be a good writer? [7]

You know, what I am thinking now is that a good writer is someone who can 1.) inspire curiosity in order to motivate the reader to continue, and 2.) persuade the reader to have the experience or opinion that the writing conveys.

How do you do that? It is tough, because every reader is different. So, a good writer can accomplish these two things with a majority of readers.

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

Hello, you can look at the TOS link at the bottom of the screen. There is also a "contact us" link. The TOS explains everything...

:)

Kevin