Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Cut out unnecessary words. Also condense some sentences. It will give you room to include more ideas, or elaborate the existing ones. Even though your word count is below the limit, it's always better to have some extra free space.

You write well, Kayla. This is a good essay.
You don't have to agree with all of my suggestions :)

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]


Response

Missing word(s) here
There is no doubt that schools are always adding new (???) and providing learning materials to students

Starting from the first day of school, students are supposed to work immediately, and they are assigned homework and reading right away.


I'm not sure if I understood correctly. Do you mean to say that books are not available immediately after classes start, and consequently, students need to spend most of their time in libraries?

Anyway, I'm correct, then it would be better if you expound on the idea. Otherwise, rephrase the sentences to improve clarity.

We can access to a library or other information with a touch of a button.
or
We can gain access to a library or other information with a touch of a button.


The word idea doesn't sound right. I'd make a change to that sentence.
The idea of having Digital textbooks would give students the opportunity to learn new techniques to prepare students with certain computer skills when they are going to a higher grade.


You should change the wording of this sentence. It looks very similar to the last sentence of the first para.

Writing Feedback / Writing about Heuristics that relates to your life [3]

Consider this example:


You've just described the opinions of all those people in a single sentence. What I mean is you should develop these examples. Tell us why did they think so. Were you very good in your studies? Did you have exceptional insight in the concepts of biology? Give some background information on those people.

Am I being clear?

Graduate / 'Physical Therapy more competitive' - : PTCAS Admission Essay for DPT Program [3]


Admissions essays are not the place for making obvious statements. This sentence doesn't give any new information to the reader, and hence, is a waste of space. Sorry for being so blunt. Try to make every sentence count.

Your second sentence also suffers from the same problem.

For me your essay actually starts from the third sentence.


This is all fine, but it would be better if you can highlight those with the help of some personal experiences or examples. Do you know what I mean? Anyone can say they have those qualities. It's up to you to distinguish yourself from others.

Faq, Help / Love to be here on EssayForum [14]


Lol
That's a strange sort of interpretation.
I think people are never tortured by hearing their own singing because they get used to their voice, whether it's good or bad.
So deep inside they don't care what they sound like. Using that analogy I can safely say that I don't care whether my writing is good or bad; I just write whenever there is a requirement, or if something crazy is going on in my mind.

By the way, it seems that I won't be writing the GRE experience essay after all. They made me sign a bond or something which prevents me from divulging any details, and I'm not sure as to what qualify as "details."

Anyway, I'll give a brief and general description.

My exam was in the city of Kolkata which is about a thousand kilometers from my hometown. I landed there the day before the exam, and since my plan was to stay there for only two nights, I checked into a relatively cheap hotel. That was a mistake. The room smelled like a strange mixture of cigarette smoke and dentist's gloves. Moreover, I found that the mosquitoes of that place had a particular affinity for my blood. Consequently, I didn't get any sleep. The food wasn't great either. Anyway, I arrived at the examination center, completely disgruntled and pissed at everything in the damned city.

So it was a surprise, albeit of the pleasant variety, when I found how helpful the staff were. They assisted me with everything, and properly explained the procedures. The check-in process was smooth. The testing environment was good, and the test went uninterrupted. The invigilators were always there if any test taker had any problems.

I just encountered one problem. The "s" key of my keyboard was slightly faulty. It didn't work when I pressed it like any other key. I had to smack it real hard to make it obey my command. While doing that I unintentionally started smacking the other keys also. By the time I was in full flow with my essays, I must have looked like someone who was intent on destroying the keyboard. I assure you I had no such intentions.

When I left the center, I had a big smile on my face, because I had scored way more than I expected. Of course, I have not got the officially verified scores yet, but the unofficial scores were good. The essay scores will be out only after a few days. Before taking the flight home, I treated myself to a sumptuous meal which also was an extension of my Eid celebrations.

Hence, the moral of the story is that there is no moral. Just trust your instincts, except while choosing hotels (of course, not everyone has lousy instincts like mine). Take all the identification documents required to avoid unnecessary hassles. Stay in a good place if your center is not in your hometown. Practice from the GRE Test Prep available on the GRE website.

That's all I guess.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose UT TRANSFER CHEMICAL ENGINEERING [3]

able to answer the question: "Where are you from?" -- put the question in quotes

The longest I have ever stayed anywhere has beenwas 5 years. -- I'm not sure about this suggestion. By the way, spell out small numbers like "five."

I couldn't stand saying goodbyes -- plural

preserving it long enough for them to live their lives or maybe even their children


Don't make obvious statements. Give a unique insight into the applications of the subject.


Really?...that's fine, but to an AO that may seem like you don't have a lot of knowledge about your chosen field. A lack of knowledge is often one of the reasons for the generic choices. I don't mean to offend you, and I'm not implying that you have any lack of knowledge in chemical engineering. I just want to point out the different impressions your statement can make.

Moreover, you have not included even a single sentence which is specific to the field of chemical engineering.
Use your research, and say some unique and specific things about chemical engineering. What is it that really attracted you towards this branch? What do you want to become after you graduate?

Read this thread: Engineers can turn ideas into reality.

Writing Feedback / Why did Kimveer Gill murder? - Paragraph for Psychology class [3]

Kimveer Gill was led to commit acts of violence due to various events which caused him to plunge him into a state of depression and hate

He described the main character of one of his favorite...

I think this is very well written.

Undergraduate / "major in Engineering" - UIUC Essay, motivation to transfer and professional goals [3]


was not enough to qualify for the School of Engineering


This long sentence didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. My suggestion would be to break it up into two sentences and rephrase slightly, so that the clarity is not lost.


This is all very good, but there is room for you to be more specific. Can you name a profession where you can utilize those skills?

I say this because optimization and improvement in efficiency are the basic principles of engineering. In other words, each and every type of engineer has to work keeping those principles in mind. It is up to you to make that distinction between industrial engineering and other branches of engineering.

Do you understand my point?

Faq, Help / Love to be here on EssayForum [14]


Haha...I am the writing equivalent of a bathroom singer.


It will be fun to write too. :)

Undergraduate / Favorite Plays: Importance of Being Earnest & Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead [3]


haha...I love that word.


good stuff


Is there a simpler version of this one? ;)
Anyway, this could be more personal.


A suggestion
Can you rearrange that into a single sentence? I mean, the "for instance" part makes the reader pause slightly, and I think it would be better if that didn't happen.

Something like this -- now I value the importance of being earnest about decision making, like the decision of applying to University of Chicago.

Faq, Help / Love to be here on EssayForum [14]

I intend to do an MS, and then maybe a PhD, in Biomedical Engineering. I'll apply to UCLA too, but my first preference is Purdue. I'll probably apply to 4-5 universities.


Sure :)
Do you have a Facebook account? You can find me there. My profile pic is the same as the one given in the contributor page.

Otherwise, I can describe the experience here itself.

Research Papers / Ghana Soccer culture. [3]

The sport of football, or soccer as it is widely known in the United States, is the most celebrated and played sport in the world

As the British Empire colonized one-third of the world, they bringintroduced the modern day sport


FIFA is the acronym for "Fédération Internationale de Football Association (in French)," or "International Federation of Association Football (in English)."

Even though the sport of football (soccer) is not popular in the United States as in the rest of the world, it has a great effect on people's lives.

Football has its own culture in Ghana and can be traced back to the hegemonic culture

The level of enthusiasm for the game,and especially when their home teams win,areis so great that it can promote nationalism and multicultural existence.


I don't think you should talk about this aspect in this paragraph. Talk about the positive aspects in one paragraph, and then introduce the negative ones in a different paragraph.


Don't capitalize football unless it's at the start of a sentence.


I think this one should come after the sentence that goes like: "The game became an instant favorite..."

I have to go now. I'll come back as soon as I can.

Graduate / 'Research project and industrial' - Personal Statement for MSc Energy and Environment [6]


This is not specific enough. What type of technology do you want to improve? Green technology/engineering/chemistry are very broad fields. The concept of sustainable development can be applied to a lot of situations. Those situations may or may not be scientific.

So, you should specify the field where you want to work. Like Kevin said, read some articles from professional journals. You probably know the 12 principles of Green Chemistry and the 12 principles of Green Engineering. Read where those are applied. In short, research more about your chosen field. If you have already done that, include some of it to highlight your objectives.

Faq, Help / Love to be here on EssayForum [14]


Oh cool. Have you decided on which universities you plan to apply to?

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Hi Tony!

Read a lot of text in English. Trust me, it'll help you.

Faq, Help / Love to be here on EssayForum [14]

Hello Mariam!

I'm Ershad, and I'm from India. You're right, EF is great.
Initially, I found it quite addictive. Lately, I haven't been able to spend as much time here as I'd like, but I still make it a point to visit at least once daily.

Anyway, I saw your GRE essays. So what do you intend to study and where?

Writing Feedback / 'It was a crisp October morning'; Innovation needs one thought, one person. [3]

Hi again, Mariam!


Don't capitalize pharmacists and artists. If you want emphasis, you can put them in quotes, though I'm not sure whether that is permitted :)


It should be "than."


You are/ You're.


Here you need a full stop instead of the comma.


When you start a quote, you shouldn't leave any space between the inverted commas and the first word. Like this -- spiritedly, "And think..."

Moreover, I think the comma should be a dash (not sure again), and "and" should be capitalized.


Throughout is one word.


Comma splice.


evolved


Two "buts" in this sentence.
My version would be: While the acclaim of revolutionizing the mode of transportation can not be awarded exclusively to Ford, the act of coming up with such an innovative concept which brought about this revolution can, most certainly, be credited to his name.


A full stop in place of the comma. You won't have any grammar problems once you sort out your punctuation.

Your job is to locate a punctuation error in the concluding paragraph, and correct it.

Okay, so you write really well. You have given some good points and developed them well. I just think you used too many words describing that stage-designing experience. After all, it's not a personal essay. A more concise paragraph would have given you some space and time for another example.

Otherwise, a job well done.

P.S. My GRE is on the 13th of this month. Don't know what am I gonna do :(

Undergraduate / Enigma of Success (interested in learning more about you) [4]


I mean in a different way :)

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Welcome, Tony!!

I'm Ershad, from India. You're right -- let's work together! Collaboration is the mantra!

Undergraduate / "my trip to India and China" - I will be applying early decision to Dartmouth. [4]

Your first paragraph looked very rushed to me. It also seemed as if you are trying to say a lot of things in a limited space.

My suggestion would be to break it down into two paragraphs, and slowly develop the theme.


This sentence is unnecessary.


Use fewer words wherever possible -- "We planned our trip several..."

This also seems useless.


I like this!

Hmm...I don't think you did a good job with the conclusion. It's hard to see how that experience helped you understand all that you say in the concluding para.

I think the problem with your essay is that it lacks a distinct theme. I couldn't see where you were going with this, except describing your tour experience.

Undergraduate / Enigma of Success (interested in learning more about you) [4]


I'd put the question after the highlighted sentence.


Well, this sentence looks out of context. In that paragraph, you don't say anything about those taunts hampering your studies. It would be better if you add a sentence to illustrate that point. Otherwise, change that sentence into something else relating to the paragraph. Something like a more mature person who is not bothered by trivialities, like the taunts of ignorants --- I don't know if I'm making sense.



For some weird reason I like this sentence a lot.

Good stuff Eugene! Pretty impressive I'd say. One thing -- I don't like too many rhetorical questions. However, that's just a personal opinion.

Undergraduate / "Spanish was my motivation to begin my scholastic career", Statement of Purpose UT [4]


I love the way you have written this.


Don't say "I maybe." It portrays a negative image -- one that shows a lack of a plan.
My version would be -- "I am mostly interested in the concentration of Hispanic Linguistics, but I find the Language Teaching program intriguing as well"


Is that Peace Corps?

This is good!! I'm impressed!!!

Undergraduate / Caltech Engineering Essay, my ideas to come to fruition [5]

You have a cool start to the essay. However, your second paragraph is too cliched for my liking. It would be better if you leave out the second para and link the first with the third.

I think the fourth para would be even better if you add a sentence or two on how you made the hair collector. Adding some aspects of the actual construction procedure would show the AOs that you really know your stuff.

This is a good essay. Add the part on Caltech and post the revision.

Graduate / writing layers of software over Video/Image decoders, SOP for M.S in computer science [7]


Don't be sorry. Learn from your mistakes. We are all here to learn.

Graduate / writing layers of software over Video/Image decoders, SOP for M.S in computer science [7]

When I was a kid I was curious about how ants followed a path without getting lost.


Except the word "ant" I can't see how your childhood experience relates to whatever you have written afterward.
...it was only after this event didthat my desire to explore greater...


It would be better if you add a phrase or two on why you liked those courses.

overall first class along with a campus placement at Infosys Technologies

I won't be able to do work on technology of my liking in a service based company.
^^Avoid contractions.

So instead I joined a start-up (a hyphen is needed) where along with ("along with" are two words) with working on small projects


This is not a very impressive thing to say.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

I agree with Kevin, although not completely.

I think you can write about anything, even if it involves your family. It should be recent though. I'm sure there are many such incidents. If you were so evil in your childhood, I seriously doubt that you have mended your ways :P

Undergraduate / "swimming is so much more than a sport", Common App - 150 words or less answer [9]


It's "knack," I think.

Writing Feedback / TO SPEND BILLIONS OF MONEY ON THE SPACE PROGRAM? CLEP essay [6]


Yeah, I can see what a mess you are.

Undergraduate / Monitoring clinical research trials is'nt what I want for rest of my life; PA - PS [4]

Monitoring clinical research trials is not what I want to do for the rest of my life,


Always use complete words in formal writing -- I have


Third world -- technically this term has becoming obsolete.


I'm not sure, but I think there should be a colon after the word "advocate" instead of the comma.


Biomedical Engineer

The last sentence looks a bit awkward. What is the point of including the part -- "Problems based...ailments?"

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]


I know, but that's what it reminded me. Actually, I love cats (even in cartoons), so I notice anything remotely related to them.

By the way, the Garfield strip on my newspaper is in black-and-white...thus the confusion.

Scholarship / Microsoft & Apple: Differences, Similarities & Best Interest of Users in Mind [3]


I couldn't find a way of linking this sentence with the rest of the paragraph. Honestly, to me, the paragraph looks better without it.


This sentence is redundant. The first two sentences of the para make the same point.


I'd advise against using contractions.

The "performance" of the software depends on the hardware inside the computer such as the processor speed and the random-access memory (RAM) -- the "processor" is a hardware, not "processor speed."

Otherwise, you can remove the word "hardware," and write the sentence like -- "The "performance" of the software depends on the processor speed and the random-access memory (RAM)"


Why did you suddenly use the second person?


Misplaced apostrophe -- "manufacturer's"

Microsoft has been so successful because mainly because they haveit has licensed out the Windows OS, allowing multiple manufacturers such as Dell, Sony, and HP to use Windows and build their own computers.

Apple, being one of the largest technology companies, also exercises more control over what its consumer can and can't do than does Microsoft.

You need a semi-colon in this sentence: "Software developers will keep developing for the most popular operating systems; thus many programs will not work on Linux"

Hello, Parth!
You write well. I hope I was of some help. Since your essay is due, so I restrained from criticizing the content. I just wish I had seen this essay a few days earlier.

Undergraduate / Why Reed? Rhythm and High Hands [3]

When I enjoy a person, place, or experience I...
^^Here the word "like" looks better.


I don't know if this is a good reason. It would be better if you make comparisons based only on the positive aspects of various colleges, like, the course structure, faculty, etc.


I'd use "called" in place of the highlighted word.


This is redundant. The preceding sentence makes that point clear.

I like your first four sentences. They reminded me of the movie "August Rush."
However, I'm not sure if the reasons you have given for attending Reed are compelling enough. For instance, if you replace Reed with the name of any other college, the essay will still sound coherent -- and that is a problem.

Which discipline are you going to take up at Reed? Talk about that; explain how it is different that other colleges.
What profession would you like to join after you graduate? Will studying at Reed give you a better platform to pursue your goals?

Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]

Thanks Eugene!


Err...right. Note taken :)


I knew that would come up. The third paragraph comes with jolt, doesn't it? I knew that from the start. I didn't get the time to write a proper transition.

Anyway, did I defend my stand properly?


Haha...thanks. By the way, this is a GRE essay.

Writing Feedback / TO SPEND BILLIONS OF MONEY ON THE SPACE PROGRAM? CLEP essay [6]


You're not working too hard, are you? Take another look at who reviewed the essay. It certainly wasn't me :D

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]


The Brits use it mostly. If you spend half of your weekends watching soccer, then you're bound to remember some of the commentary.


Yeah that's a clear indication. Moreover, the word "purring" reminds me of Garfield, and he is orange...wait, is he orange?

Writing Feedback / New idea always faces contradiction desipte its reasonalbilty [4]

I think your thesis misses the point being asked in the prompt. You probably made a mistake distinguishing between an "important truth" and an "important idea."

For example, do we call a religious idea a truth? The example of the heliocentric model is a "truth." It is accepted universally. However, religion cannot be considered a truth because everyone can have different interpretations of a particular religion, whether they take into account the faith, preachings, or even the existence of God. I, as a Muslim, don't believe in the teachings of other religions. So will those teachings qualify as truths? For me, they are not. The same can be said for Christians who may think Islam is blasphemous.

Do you understand what I am saying?

"Rehabilitation" and "caretaker" are single words.

Again, the example of Elizabeth Blackwell doesn't qualify as a truth. It was something that brought a paradigm shift.

In the fifth and sixth paragraphs you explicitly talk about new ideas and not truths.

You write very well. If the prompt was on "important ideas," I think this essay would have been a very astute response. You defended your thesis with good examples and gave some significant observations.

Undergraduate / Business letter to an associate from abroad, philosophy of Negotiation [in Business] [5]

Here at Cedars Hospital we know that conflict is inevitable and unavoidable.

there is an assortment of different methods of

Your first paragraph has too many ideas for my liking. One paragraph should generally express one idea and then elaborate on that.

Your writing is excellent. I don't have anything else to criticize.

^^This was for the first draft.

I don't think there's any problem with the second one.

Undergraduate / "Literature is the best way to overcome death"- Amherst Supplement- Reply to quote [6]


You don't need to cut anything. You can modify some sentences to make them sound more personal.